The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 41. Chapter 41

- I'm a bit exhausted, but I figured I'd add an entry into tonight's book anyway. It's funny how you can form an addicting habit, and support it no matter what. But i'd like to think of this book as more than just a 'hobby' now. I'll be honest, when I started this, I half expected to get bored with writing down my every thought on paper. But this book has really become my best friend in a way. The one thing on this Earth that'll listen to me whine and complain without ever telling me to shut up. This book never gets bored, or indifferent, or too busy to listen to my problems. I guess just writing this all down where I can see it and organize my thoughts a bit helps to really get some of these stupid confusing feelings out in the open. It's easier out in the open.

Anyway, I went back to see Jimmy again, even though I had to take the bus all the way there. I was oping that my valiant effort would have some kind of impact on him, but I think I was mistaken. In fact, he seemed like he didn't even want me there. So my whole visit was kinda in vain. He barely talked to me, and almost resented my presence there....like I was making him feel bad or something. Which was TOTALLY unfair! I mean, I was just trying to help. I was trying to prove to him that somebody cared, and that he had friends that would look out for him if he'd only let me in. So much for being a knight in shining armor. I only stayed for about a half hour. Maybe not even THAT long. But it seemed like it was a lot longer. He barely looked me in the eye. What was I gonna do? Force him? Please! I'm hardly one to think that I could be that intimidating. So I left, but made sure to give him a tight hug anyway. I thought about kissing him on the cheek or something, but I felt uncomfortable doing that. So...I just kinda....left. For the first time in my life....I feel like I'm too young to be dealing with this kind of thing. I just....I want him to be alright, you know? He's my friend.

Outside of my failed attempt at being Jimmy's 'pal', a couple of good things happened today. I saw Brandon twice today, and he asked if we could have one of our long conversations tonight. Believe me, it was beyond flattering to know that this cute, once extremely shy, sweet boy wanted to talk to me. Even better...he wanted to talk to me OFTEN. He was soooo adorable asking me about it too. But I had to tell him about Jimmy, and let him know that I was visiting him in the hospital while he's been away. I think that surprised him a lot. Brandon just kinda looked at me, and says, "Oh...I didn't know you and Jimmy were so close."

And I tell him that we had pretty much started being friends when all this craziness happened. But I liked him an awful lot. And then, I came up with an idea. "Hey, you should come with me next time. I think Jimmy would like that. You know, he really needs some friends right now."

But Brandon kinda wrnkled up his nose a little bit, and shook his head. So I asked why not, and he was like, "I'm sorry. I don't really know him all that well. I kinda don't wanna see him like that." Which I guess he means, 'hurt from a self inflicted suicide attempt'. I didn't push too hard, as he seemed to have made up his mind about the whole thing. But it would have been cool to have him come along. Maybe I'll try again later.

Joanna had weird things on her mind today, and wouldn't tell me about them. Not even when I tried to get her to talk to me. I can't explain it really, but it really hurt me to see her unhappy. She seemed conflicted with the whole world today. Sam made a few attempts to make her laugh...and he seemed to be the only one at our table that could get a decent chuckle out of her. But it wasn't enough. So, after lunch, I walked her to her locker, leaned forward, and gave her a kiss on the lips. Just a little one. A caring one, you know? It made her feel better, and she hugged me tight while I tried to comfort her. She felt so good in my arms. I melted. And when she let go, all I could think about was making her feel better. I hope it worked.

The rest of my day was pretty standard. Except that Bobby Jinette had a boner in gym today. He wouldn't get up from the bench, and complained that his ankle hurt. He was pretending to rub it and everything. But when I looked over at him again, he was kinda trying to 'adjust' himself in the front. And he definitely had a handful with a pretty nice sized pole there. Have you ever noticed, that in high school, no matter how little you know about some boy, even if you hated him...even if you thought he was butt ugly...even if he had bullied you out of lunch money every single day since the 2nd grade...that person becomes automatically HOT the second you see them with a hard on? Something about it just implies this intense sexual passion about them, and it lets you know that they've got a hot piece of meat between their legs somewhere just like everybody else, whether you took the time to notice it or not. Now Bobby? He was cute, and he was cool...albeit a bit bashful. And seems like he might like boys as much as I do. So seeing him with a boner was like...a starving man dreaming about a steak. I hope he didn't catch me staring. It was hot though.

That's it. I've gotta sleep. My eyes are burning. I'll write more later. Seeya.

-Billy

- Something really odd happened today. Well, you know how I figured Bobby Jinette for being gay and all right? Well...that was all well and fine, because he was cute, and he was looking at me in the gym locker room, and I liked the idea of there being other cute gay boys my age out there. Even if they are hidden pretty deep in the closet. But today, for some reason, I got really annoyed with him. He wasn't doing anything wrong really...he was just...talking to Brandon. I don't know why that steamed me so much, but he was like...chit chatting with him, and Brandon was totally chit chatting BACK with him. I don't know why, but I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach. Like, 'who is HE to be taking Brandon's attention like that?' You know? Not that it MEANS anything, because Brandon's totally straight! Idiot...you're just wasting your time if you think you're gonna get in his pants or anything. Brandon's probably one of the cutest boys in school, but he's off limits. I've already been there, and I know. So....why bother, right?

Sighhh....I don't know what's up with my emotions. I just didn't want him to get suckered into thinking that Brandon would be interested. Because if he WAS, then he would have wanted ME.....right? Because me and Brandon are like...'perfect' together. In every possible way. And because...because I was there first. So if Brandon was even REMOTELY gay....which he isn't...then he'd be with me. Because we compliment each other so well. So...I should just turn my head and leave it alone. I don't care. They can talk. He's just barking up the wrong tree, that's all. I have to admit though, it's weird having Brandon's full attention on anybody else but me for some odd reason. I mean, I know I have a boyfriend, and a girlfriend, and some weird obsession with Jamie Cross, and a crush on half of the boys in school...but it just stings a little bit to see Brandon's smile directed at somebody else besides me. I guess that's pretty selfish, huh?

Sam was being a bit weird today, and he seemed kinda down. I can always tell when he's feeling sad or when something is going on with him. He has this habit of rubbing his fingernails together...on his thumb and middle finger. It makes this snapping noise, and he pretends to be staring at it instead of looking me in the eye. Also, he gets quiet, and he kinda shrugs his shoulders a lot. Like nothing bothers him at all. But I swear, that shrug seems more painful than all the tears in the world once you know what's behind it. So I asked him about it. It's what friends do. And he and I have always shared all of our problems with each other in the past. Even when we were little. It felt so mature...being a part of a friendship like that. I was kinda hoping that we could hold onto that for the rest of our lives. But he didn't offer up any answers. I saw the shrug, I saw the fingernail thing, but he didn't tell me what was bothering him. So what could I do? I left him alone, and I let him know I was here if he needed me. I hope he'll think of me when the time is right. I really do.

Joanna and I held hands pretty much all day today. I think the kiss I gave her yesterday really made a difference to her somehow, and she seemed to love mefor it. I felt this incredile tngling in my chest, just knowing that she felt better. Just being close to her. Holding her whenever we stopped walking. And this was one of the frst times that it didn't feel awkward kissing her at all in a room full of people. With tongue no less! Hehehe! Geez, when I started this book, the only practice I had ever had kissing was on my teddy bear and my pillow! (And once on my cousin Rachael....but that's a whole other story!) Now I feel so...'comfortable' with it. It's weird. Anyway, it was a good time for the both of us, and it was good to see her smile. She put her head on my shoulder at lunch and just left it there. Relaxing. It was awesome.

I'm not going to bed right away. I'm trying to stay up for a bit longer. My dad didn't come home tonight like he always does, which isn't normal. My mom and I sat down to dinner, and when I asked where he was, she simply told me he was out. A second inquiry was answered with the simple response of "Eat your mashed potatoes, honey." Which is as good a way of saying 'shut up' as I've ever heard from a mother. So, I guess I'm just gonna stay up for a while longer and see if he shows up. Just to make sure. It looks like he's out past his 'curfew'...so this should be interesting.

G'night

- Billy

- Well...my dad never did come home last night. But I saw him later on tonight, and he said the exact same thing that my mom did. "I was just out." Well, duh! Like I couldn't see that. Anyway, he asked me what day I was going to see Jimmy again this coming week, and offered to give me another ride out there. But I had to tell him straight out that I didn't know. I said, "I don't think Jimmy wants to talk to me anymore. Or at least not right now. The last trip was a total mistake." But he explained to me that Jimmy is probably just going through a hard time, and it's rough but I should make an effort to be there if I think I can. The problem with that is...I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I was kinda scared to. I mean, what's the use in getting close to somebody who's probably gonna be dead in the next couple of weeks. Maybe it's safer if I just stay away from him. If Jimmy and I became really close, I don't think I could handle having him kill himself. I'd rather he disappeared forever without a trace, and I could somehow, in the back of my mind, just imagine that he survived. And that he's happy. That would be so much better. So much better.

Anyway, my dad then offered to just go for a drive this weekend. And I sorta...'politely' declined. But I got out of it by promising him that I'd go with him another day. And he took me at my word. I'm glad. Besides, I've got a chance to have hot naked SEX with AJ tomorrow, and I don't wana blow it. (Hehehe, I said 'blow it'...! God, I love the way the simplest thoughts of AJ make me feel!)

I was late to school today by about ten minutes, but they make you go get a pass from the office if you're late for your first class. Stupid rule...believe me. But it must have been like FATE today though, because the most amazing thing happened this morning! The lady at the school office was on the phone, and I had to wait for her to finish before I coul get my pass, and Jamie Cross walks in! He just....'walks in'...like he was a normal HUMAN or something! So, naturally, I gasp to myself and freeze up like I usually do. He has to wait too, and he sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! Like, HIS arm was right next to MY arm! I was shaking so bad, and then he looks at me and says, "Hi. You late too?" Omigod....my stomach tied itself into a knot and I just kinda nodded. I don't get it, I thought I was DONE with all of this weird behavior around Jamie. I have a boyfriend now, and the last time I saw Jamie, it didn't really send me over the edge like it always did before. But today he looked REALLY fucking cute!!!! He had this white long sleeved shirt on with light blue designs, and some grey cargo pants. And he smelled really good too. Plus his blond hair was like...perfect today. So...he was looking all slim and fine and cuddly...and he speaks to me in such a friendly way. I loved every second that I spent sitting beside him in that office...but was also relieved when I got to leave. Being there was seriously making me sweat up a storm. Just believe me when I say that seeing Jamie Cross in all his beauty...is as close as you can get to God while you're still alive. Unless of corse I got the chance to make out with him! Oh shit...don't go there, BIlly! I'll have a permanent erection for life if I start imagining something like that!

Joanna gets the 'Jekyll and Hyde' award for the week! Arrrgh! Everything was so cool between us. What happened to all the hugs and the kisses and the cuddles? I thought things were picking up. I thoght maybe we were getting closer again. But nooooo....today she was more distant than ever. When I put my arm around her today at lunch, she just pulled away from me. It was lke she didn't really want me to touch her at all. Like she was embarassed to be seen being affectionate with me or something. So once I got finished trying to be all cozy with her at the lunch table, I just decided to talk to Sam for a while and hope that he didn't notice that she was acting weird. I don't get her sometimes. Maybe I should call her tomorrow. Or hang out at the mall, just for a little while. I can see AJ later in the day, I'm sure. I just don't want her mad at me or anything. I think that's what I'll do. It was me not being there that got her acting strange in the first place. I'll try to do better. I will.

Oh, and one more thing! I saw Bobby and Brandon talking in the hallway today, AGAIN!!! And I was even angrier than before! When did this even HAPPEN??? I mean, what the hell are hey giggling about, anyway? I wonder if they'll get to a point where they're talking on the phone or something, or email, or chatting or something. I'll just BET Bobby wants him! I KNOW he does! I bet he saw Brandon and started having all kinds of sexual fantasies about him. He probably looks at his cute suckable lips, and his pretty smile, and his shiny eyes, and he thinks about how awesome it would be to kiss him and roll around with him and feel his passion pushing into him over and over again. Picturing him naked and hard, sucking on him, and kissing every inch of him, and letting his hands run up and down his naked back while he's on top of him. I bet he imagines Brandon being all warm and soft.....and that his kisses are like...HEAVEN, because his lips are so cute! I'll bet you that Bobby probably jacks off about him all the time. And I HATE that! I don't know WHY, but I do. I actually 'pouted' about all through fifth period today. Am I being stupid or what? How I feel is such a difficult thing to figure out these days.

Ok, you know what? I'm trying to be reasonable about this, ut today, I CLEARLY saw Bobby Jinette look directly at Brandon's ass as he bent over to pick up some of his books from the bottom of his locker! I SAW him!!! I was so enraged that I literally walked over here and broke up their little 'intimate' conversation! I mean, why is Bobby suddenly smiling at my...well...my FRIEND like that? Brandon and I were getting close long before HE came along! I said hello to Brandon and he smiled at me right away. And I asked if he wanted to talk this weekend on the phone, and he said yes. He was all like, "I always wanna talk to you, Billy." And if I could stick my tongue out at Bobby, I would have. Sniffing around my pretty boy is NOT smart! He's mine! Well...not mine really...but...I liked him first. So Bobby can go look at some OTHER boy's ass! NOT Brandon's!

I now....this is about as abnormal as I get. I'm sorry, I don't know why I even care. It's just...I have this weird need to protect Brandon and keep his heart safe. No....wait...that's not it. It's more like...I need to make sure that he's....not..like...led into anything against his will. Um...no....that's not right either. I don't know what it is. I just don't want some other boy 'pawing' him, that's all. That's, like, MY job! (Or something)

Ok, that's a strange way to end this. But I've gotta go. I might be having lots of SEX tomorrow, and I need my strength! Hehehe! I'll write more and tell ya all about it later! Seeya!

- Billy