The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 16. Chapter 16

- The strangest thing happened today. I mean, apart from the fact that my closet life is teetering on the edge of this bottomless pit, and Joanna is constantly poking at me with a stick. Still...it's the weekend, so I can't completely blame her for much of anything can I? Anyway, it's GOOD news...sorta...

See...my mom decided suddenly that she wanted to have this huge 'Lifetime' marathon on cable today. And if you've ever watched the 'Lifetime' channel...you know exactly what it's like. Some 'bad man' rapes a lady and tries to get away with it. Or some 'bad man' kills somebody and tries to get away with it. Or some 'bad man' is abusing his spouse, or acting all crazy, or cheating on his girlfriend, or on some murderous rampage. Of course, the MAN is ALWAYS wrong and some kind of unlikeable asshole that deserves to die as far as the story is concerned. And then, of course, there's the "I am woman, hear me roar" revenge flick where the women get to kill as many men as they like...but for some reason it's a GOOD thing when THEY do it! Whatever. Anyway, she was watching back to back chick flick tv movies like "My Man Doctor Knocked Me Up While I Was Sleeping" or whatever the fuck it was, and I decided that I had to get out of the house before she remembered that me and my dad were men too.

My dad must have taken the hint, because he hightailed it out of there the second she sat down.

I went out to the mall by myself this time, mostly because Sam was watching basketball on tv and wanted me to either come join him or wait until he was done. (Damn straight boys and their sports! What IS it with them anyway? I'm GAY, and I don't get half as much of a kick from watching sweaty muscular men in shorts rubbing up against each other as they do!) And I stopped into one of those trendy clothes stores for a second or two to just check it out. Anyway, these kids came in, around my age, but maybe a year younger. They were laughing and having a good time, and they caught my attention right away. It was a boy and three girls, obviously all friends. The thing is...the boy...aside from being EXTREMELY cute, was...different. It was like I could feel it, you know? Inside. I watched him a bit out of the corner of my eye, and maybe it was the way he walked, or the bracelets on his arm, or the fact that he had earrings in both ears...but I was almost SURE that he was gay!!! He was CUTE, and GAY, and....THERE!!! Right in front of me!

He had light brown hair, and green eyes, and this smooth, slim, sexy little body. I kept looking at him, and I heard him speak, and that clinched it! He was definitely gay! I can't really describe what I was feeling at that moment, you know? A part of me was terrified, a part of me was excited, a part of me was horny to a degree that I was wondering if I was going to have to shackle myself to something to keep from tackling him there in the store! But there was another part of me that was just...jealous. I mean, what would it be like, to just be....gay? In front of your friends, no less. The more I watched them interact, the more obvious it became that he was a homosexual just like me. They were walking around looking at clothes and making jokes and just being normal. They didn't shun him, r shame him, and nobody else in the whole store seemed to even notice. I wonder if I could ever be like that. Ever...

The strange thing is, he smiled at me before I left! Like, one of his friends shoved him a bit, and when I looked up, he was giggling and smiling at me. Like....like he thought I was cute or something. Arrrrgh! I could have...well...I SHOULD have...oh I don't know! This is so difficult! And NOW it seems worse, because he seems to have figured a way out of all this confusion. Sitting here at home, writing this, in a room all alone...I'm mentally kicking myself over and over again for not saying anything. One of these days, I'll know what to do. And in time to do something about it. ONe day, I will.

So there it is...both good and bad. And interesting day indeed. Later.

- A 'Mixed Up' Billy

- Okay, I woke up super SUPER SUPER horny today!!! I can't explain it really! But when my eyes opened this morning, I was so hard that it almost hurt! It felt like a rubberband stretched to capacity, ready to shoot off or just SNAP at the slightest bit of tension! It was one of those morning hardons that feel all tingly and sensitive on the outside, stiff as an oak tree, and just...'full'. You know?

I had hit the snooze button a few times and was already running a bit late. So there was no time to really 'take care of business', if you know what I mean. My mom would be knocking on my bedroom door, or even WORSE, peeking in, to make sure that I was awake. Every two minutes if I know her. So I did my best to will it to go down, and tried getting dressed. Which isn't easy with a huge LOG sticking out in front of you. Not to mention that it makes it nearly impossible to go to the bathroom. It eventually softened up a bit, but the 'tingles' were still there, and I seemed to be more sexed up than ever. This was SO not a good state to go to school in. The last place I want to be is a building surrounded by cute teenage boys. Especially after what happened at the mall yesterday. And if I happened to lay my eyes on Jamie Cross.........chances are I'd have to change clothes.

TWICE!

Still, ditching is out of the question today, so I'll just have to stiffy my way through classes until the last bell. It didn't help that I saw Brandon riding his bike to the side door. His ass looked soooooooo JUICY in those pants! Especially when he had it turned up to me like that while pushing the pedals. And when he swung one leg over to get off the bike, I nearly screamed. I didn't try talking to him because it might have made things worse, but considering that he didn't really make any effort to look for me, I wondered if he was still mad at me. If he was even mad at all. It's not fair for him to just stop being friendly to me, he's too cute to forget about.

I saw Jimmy LaPlane again today, but this time, there was no secret wave, no hidden grins. In fact, if you ask me, he looked pretty down about something. I could just see it in his face, like all of the life had been drained from it. I didn't see anybody messing with him like they usually do, so I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that really had him feeling bad. I probably should have gone over and said something, given him some comfort. But as much as I hate to say it, it was...work. I mean, it was an extra effort that I didn't want to put into him at that particular moment. Does that make me an awful person? It's GOT to make me a bad person. I didn't want to be mean or anything. I just...I didn't have anything to tell him. Nothing cheerful anyway. So I chose to say nothing. A big part of me just isn't concerned, and for some reason that bothers me. Because there's another part of me that knows that me silently caring and hoping that things get better for him just isn't enough. Maybe tomorrow I'll say hello or something. It might help a little bit.

Sam is having some minor conflicts with his mom these days. It seems like every few weeks, they need to have a typical spat just to keep themselves balanced out. I suppose it's your average parent/teenager relationship. But they seem to be going at it a lot more frequently these days. And the fights are getting more intense. Sam actually trashed a part of his room yesterday, he was so mad. He talked about it all day long, and I listened like a good friend should, but him venting didn't seem to ease his tension any. If anything, it just kept the anger well fueled and burning hot. I figured that this was one of those days to keep quiet and just listen to him talk. Sometimes it's the best thing you can do for somebody.

The horniness didn't go away, not for a second. Brandon looked hot, Simon looked hot, Sam looked hot, even JIMMY looked hot. He's got a bit of acne and that kind of greasy looking hair...but you know how some guys aren't really that cute, but FAR from being ugly? The guys who you see their body from the neck down and wonder, 'what if'? Ah, maybe I'm just super horny. He DOES have a nice body though. A bit skinny, but nice. I wonder what Jimmy looks like naked. OKAAAAY! That's enough of that! Next I'll be pinching the JANITOR'S ass and rubbing on my gym teacher's nipples! I'm gonna go take care of some of this extra horniness right now! Later!

-Billy

- Kaboom! The trap was set, and I stepped right into it like an idiot! I KNEW Joanna was hiding away for some reason! She caught me outside of my math class, and walked with me to the gym locker room. Naturally, I was nervous as always. And the two of us walking together was like a huge spectacle to everyone watching. The idea of us being a couple was becoming more and more concrete every day. Maybe that was a part of her diabolical plan.

So we talked, with her giggling at almost everything I said, and sort of rubbng against my arm by walking so close. And she stares in my eyes for a really long time too when she talks. I can almost feel her excitement when she does that, and gay or straight, something about that arouses me. My heart flutters a bit, and the butterflies start jumping around in my stomach...it's like mind control or something. Anyway, I kept looking away to avoid her eyes, and finally she stopped me in the hall and cornered me by the fire hyndrant. She had been hinting about this movie coming out on Friday that she wanted to see, and I kept backing away from the comment. But now she just flat out asked me, "Do you wanna go?" At that moment, I was hoping for ANYTHING to come along and take me away from the pressure of giving her an answer. A fire, a tornado, a Godzilla attack....ANYTHING! My response to that question was going to determine exactly how the rest of my life was going to go! I KNOW IT! But despite my slight hesitation, searching for a diplomatic way to say 'no' without following it up with 'because I'm a homo'...there was no catastrophe big enough to keep me from giving her an answer.

And I said, "Sure. I guess." I was SCARED, you understand? I don't know what to do with a girl! I don't fantasize about girls. I don't know if I'd even be any good with one. Ohhh...why does she want me anyway?

So there you have it. I took the fucking plunge! I'm stuck. I'm taking her to the movies on Friday. On a DATE! Not only am I going to spend my Friday afternoon in total confusion and conflict, but that means I won't have a chance to invite Simon back over to my house after school. Which means that if he WAS giving me a signal last week, then he might think that I'm brushing him off...to be with a girl. Arrrrgh!

I've never been on a date before, and somehow, I'm thinking it'll be ten times harder than figuring out sex! Sex is pretty easy to imagine. Dating, on the other hand, can go a billion different embarassing ways! All of them being my fault, I'm sure. Me being the man and all. So I guess that means I've got a little bit of work and a whole lot of worrying between now and then. Once Sam gets out of his funk, I'll tell him the 'good' news. He's been waiting for this for a while now, and I'm thinking that this is ONE area of life and love that he actually CAN help me with! If anybody can teach me about liking girls, it would be the sports nut.

I'd say 'wish me luck', but I don't know if I want it. Maybe if things went terribly, I'd be off the hook. Who knows?

-Billy