The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 9. Chapter 9

- Brandon. You know, sometimes I can loo at him with such an everyday gaze, and not feel so screwed up inside. But...other days...I feel completely baffled by him. Confused. It's so weird to be taken by the feeling so suddenly, sometimes in mid conversation. And I find myself totally vunerable in front of him. But it's none of the BIG things that really catch me off guard. It's the little details. Little things. Like...all of the sudden, I'll notice just how brightly those hazel eyes of his shine when he smiles. Or I'll realize how tall he is, and how his body seems so well formed and put together. Or I'll start paying attention to the way he occassionally tilts his head to keep his hair from laying funny across his eyebrows, or the way he sometims has to keep rolling up the sleeve on his right arm because it uncurls itself every few minutes. But he never rolls it up properly, he just pushes it back up and waits for it to inevitably fall again down to his wrist. I can't explain it, but little things like that seem so cute to me. And yet, some of my infatuation for him seems to have died down a bit. I can't see why though...because he seems more beautiful than ever to me. And sweet! Unneccessarily sweet! When he talks to me, it's like he's known me his whole life. He's just easy to talk to. But that instantaneous rush of sexual energy that I get with Jamie or Simon or even Sam...it just doesn't happen that much around Brandon anymore. Not unless I force it. And believe me...there have been a few 'self inflicted' orgasms where I've done exactly that. But...something's changed as far as my attitudes towards him. Once I find out what that is, I'll write it in here and let you know.

Sam's parents got a call from the school today about one of his grades slipping. Geometry, I think. Which sucks, because I know that's going to lead to les and less time that we get to hang out. His mom will definitely put him on lock down for a while until his grades come up, and force him to study. And naturally he'll do something dumb to get out of it early, or bend the rules, and he'll get grounded even worse than before. It's a pattern I've gotten used to over the years. And getting him out of being grounded is like trying to help a 2 ton rhino escape Alcatraz 'undetected'. Just not possible. However, I guess I should be thanking the angels for this little turn of events. It might just be enough to keep his search for this mystery girl of mine down to a minimum. Hell, by this time next week, she might not even like me anymore. Crushes DO come and go pretty fast in this place, afterall.

I've just realized something today. That once you let a girl get into a certain habit, it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to break it! I'm talking about Michelle and the way she gropes me all the time when I go to class now! I honestly think that she's getting used to having her hands all over me in one way or the other. She's always grabbing my arm, or standing so close to me that her breasts are touching my arm, or she's running her fingers through my hair. (I think she's got a blond fetish) And it feels good, really it does, but I'm kinda looking for that same level of attention from a GUY! And girls, especially 'touchy-feely' ones, are like..."closeted boy-toy" repellant! At this rate I'll NEVER get anybdy to talk to me! Except for Michelle, that is. I sometimes wonder if she's just playing around and being cool with me..or if she really likes touching me. I wonder if she fels that gentle elctric spark when her hands glide accross my skin, the way I did when mine glided across Simon's the other day. That would be flattering...but empty, somehow. I guess it's more of a curse to be liked by girls at school than most would believe. Whatever, I'm looking into ways to break her from her addiction to me and my 'soft sided' appeal. So we'll see how that works out in the end.

I guess I'm left to a night of video games and tv tonight. Until Sam gets back outside, I'm on my own. Who knows? Maybe that's a good thing. Later.

-Billy

- I TOUCHED HIM!!!! OMIGOD!!! I actually...TOUCHED Jamie Cross today!!! Oh wow! And he didn't even notice! See...we had this fire drill, right? And we all had to 'calmly walk out of the door in an orderly fashion' just like they always instruct us to do. So....it's chaos at the front door, with all of us just being scrunched together in a tiny area and bumping into one another...and that's when I sw him. My sweetheart. My angel. Jamie Cross was standing RIGHT next to me, and people were pushing behind me and on all sides of me...so I soon found myself pressed up against him! Up against the hottest body in the whole DAMN SCHOOL!!! ME! Billy Chase! With my chest pressed up against his back in a room full of kids! Oh God..it was magic! Pure magic! I remembered EVERY detail!

I was crushed up agaist him, and he was crushed up against the person in front of him...and I just...I let my hand drop down to my side naturally. And with another gentle push...it actually bumped into his ass! Oh man...MY hand touched Jamie Cross' ass! It was so soft and bouncy...I couldn't believe it. I almost came right there in the crowd! He didn't say anything, so I just kinda left my hand at my side, and I got to rub it a few times. DISCREETLY of course! I didn't want him to know what was going on. But I was soooo hard! ROCK hard! I could smell the soap on his long neck from his morning shower. I could see the individual strands of his blond hair. I could hear the sweet and crisp crackle of his voice as the sound resonated in my ears. His shoulder was right there, about even with my lips...and I just wanted so badly to lean forward and kiss him on his shoulder. Man...that would have been the most blessed experience of my LIFE! Kissing Jamie Cross on the shoulder. Oh wow...I'm SOOOOOO in love!

I absolutely HATED it when we all actually ade it outside that door and onto the school's front lawn. Because it meant that I had to be away from my baby again. I can't believe that this is the closest I've ever been to him. That this is the most I've ever touched him. These are the things that I know I'll remember even I grow to be like 150 years old. Now I know what it's going to feel like when I one day get to lay my head on his shoulder and snuggle up to him in bed. Sigh...a level of comfort that previously remained untouchable by everyone else on the planet except for him. I know what it will feel like to hold him against me and be completely powerless to stop the love in my heart from overflowing...pressing my lips to his in an attempt to let him catch the leftover emotions that I can no longer contain. God...he's so beautiful.

I spent the rest of the day either being horny enough to hump the shelves in the library, or being so dazed and amazed that I was staring off into space as though I could see every oxygen particle as it bounced around the room.I wonder if he felt me. I wonder if Jamie got turned on by the contact. Maybe he'd let me get a little bit more intimate, like the ways I can touch Sam in an affectionate way from time to time. Or maybe he'd let me feel him up the way Michelle does to me, playful and innocent as it seems, but with the intent of getting that final step closer to the sexual frontier that I have yet to explore. Or MAYBE...maybe he'll let me touch him even MORE...like the way I got to get my hands on Simon the last time he came over to my house. Ohhhh...now THAT would be TOO much! I'd probably pass out and wake up with my head in his lap! I swear, if I ever get the chance to talk to him, the courage to talk to him...then I'm going to make it something special. I'm not going to go blabbering about how I feel about him, but I want to at least make an impression. I want him to see in me what I see in him. Hehehe, and I KNOW that's impossible...but I want him to see something. I could make him SO happy. I know I can.

You may think that I'm gushing, but you get so damn FULL of this nervous energy, you just want to talk about him all day long, see him everywhere you go, and hold onto him with your hands around his waist and your head on his shoulder, for the rest of your life. I don't mean to go on and on, but I seriously can't help it. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm doing it. I don't think I ever really counted how many times his name comes across my lips in a day. I never realize that I'm talking about him AGAIN, until I'm already in the middle of a sentence. He's soooo special to me.

Hehehe, you know, I've REALLY gotta stop this! I'm outta here!

-Billy

- A weird collection of thoughts have been running through my mind today. About Simon coming over tomorrow for another attempt at making my move on him. I guess you could say that I got really scared of the idea. Before I was so pumped up for it, ready to go for it, and was excited to be setting up a plan to get him naked and giving me some good lovin'....hehehe. But now? Sigh...now I'm not so sure how to feel. I'm kinda expecting it to really happen this time around. I sort of promised myself that it would, no matter what. And now that th act itself was set in stone, for ME anyway, I don't know what to do. Like I said on previous pages, I never had sex before. And the workings of the whole thing are starting to get clearer and clearer by the minute. I'm coming to the conclusion that as bad as I WANT to have sex...I don't know SHIT about it! People don't talk to kids about those kinds of things. I guess it's 'safer' for me to fumble around and screw it up then it is to talk to me about it when my hormones are at their craziest. Grrrr! I have a penis, this shouldn't be too hard to figure out. The thing is, I've never really had anyone else touch it before. I never did anything more than hump the mattress, I don't exactly know how to...um...'piston' into anything. I don't know how to please somebody with oral sex, either. I used to suck my thumb when I was little, but somehow I don't think this will be quite the same thing. Kissing I think I can work out, that's pretty much an improvisational thing. But after the pubery monster got a hold of me, I'm barely able to WALK straight without tripping over my own two feet. My body already doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. So exactly how am I going to manage to come up with special orders to tell it to move and expand and contract in a sexual way? How am I going to make Simon happy when I'm so busy trying to find the 'advanced instruction manual' to my little friend down there in my pants. I've gotten used to aiming for the center of the toilet when I go to the bathroom, but unless Simon is into a bit of the freaky golden shower shit, I don't think THAT particular skill is going to help me either. So the big question remains...what am I going to do with this thing between my legs when Simon gets here and he's waiting for me to start things off?

I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should put this off for a little bit longer. JUST until next week! I mean, I STILL want this! I want it so bad that it's driving me crazy! But I don't know what I'm doing or where to go to find out. I never felt so awkward or worried about things like this before. I mean, what if I hurt him? Or if he hurts me? Or what if I'm just no good? There aren't exactly any tutors for this sort of thing. Well...there ARE...but I'd need 200 dollars, a fake moustache, and a hotel room. And where am I gonna get 200 dollars from?

Ah shit! Ok...it can wait. JUST until I do a little bit of research. Maybe a few push ups and sit ups wouldn't hurt either. You know, you'd think that something you fantasize about for 85% of your average day would come as second nature to you. Well it doesn't. And now I'm talking myself out of what might have been one of the greatests afternoons of my LIFE! Exactly what is it about my life that DOESN'T suck right now? If anyone figures that out, let me know.