The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 19. The Brightside

-------Teddy----

I don’t think I’ve ever felt my heart race as much as it did driving back to Ryder’s house that night. Every now and then I would look over to him, shaking lightly in the seat. He was trying his hardest to keep his head out the window, but I knew if he did barf it wouldn’t fully make it out of the car.

His breathing seemed to grow deeper and deeper as we approached his house “Are you okay?” I asked, finally seeing the cemetery off in the distance.

“Yeah” he forced out, leaning forward in his seat. “I just really gotta pee, and throw up.”

I swayed my head at his words. “Yup, that’s what I wanted to hear from my boyfriend tonight.”

“Sorry” he groaned, as we pulled up the dirt road and up the gravel driveway.

“Just quietly go to the bathroom, and I’ll get you water.” I instructed, throwing the car into park. I watched as he quickly got out of the car, but before he could get anywhere else I saw him lean over and begin to gag. “Oh Ryder” I let out, watching his back as he vomited all over his driveway.

“It-it’s okay” he picked up his head and turned towards me “I didn’t get any on the car.”

“Glad to hear” I groaned, rushing over and helping him step around the vomit on the ground. “Now come on, let’s get you inside.” He lightly nodded his head, and followed me as I lead him into the bathroom. “Stay here, I’ll go get water.”

“Teddy” he called out, watching me escape the bathroom. “I think I’m going to throw up.”

“I know” I whispered back. “Now be quiet, you’re going to wake your grandma.”

“I like my grandma.” he spoke up, watching me turn the corner into the kitchen.

I took a deep breath before quickly filling a glass and rushing back to his side. “That’s great Ry” I sighed, putting the glass next to him. “Now what the hell happened tonight?”

“I did shots with Blake,” he slurred in barely comprehensible words. “We just took shots, and then I don’t know.”

“But you know you’re not supposed to drink liquor.” I threw my head back and sighed once more “Why’d you drink it?”

“He didn’t take no for an answer, and I didn’t want to be that guy, I mean who wants to be that guy at 18.” He shrugged, as he began to shake once more.

“It’s not about who you want to be babe, it’s about your health.” I tried to explain, knowing he wouldn’t remember the conversation. “You could’ve gotten hurt tonight.”

“Can we not be that couple that calls each other babe?” He let out before leaning over and vomiting once more.

“What?” I asked, as he pulled his head out of the toilet, and turned his attention towards the glass of water next to him.

“You know like ‘Babe, come here!’ ‘Babe do this!’” he shrugged “It’s just annoying.”

“Alright, I won’t call you babe.” I muttered, leaning back against the nearby wall.

“Why are you so cranky tonight?” he asked, slowly crawling back and joining me.

“I don’t know Ry, probably because you’re black out drunk crawling on the bathroom floor.” I exhaled, as he leaned his head against my shoulder.

“Okay, but you’re on the bathroom floor too.” He tried to argue, reaching out for the water once again.

“You’ve got me there.” I grumbled, leaning over and grabbing the glass for him “I don’t know, this just isn’t how I had the night planned in my head.”

“Mmmm” he hummed, thinking everything over. “You stood up for me.” He reminded himself pulling away and looking into my eyes. “I never thought you’d actually do it.”

“Yup, and I officially have no friends because of it.” I complained, more to myself than to him.

“Oh don’t be so overdramatic. Blake still loves you.” He nodded, getting up to fill his cup.

“Ryder don’t drink the bathroom sink water.” I lectured, standing up and leading him towards the kitchen “but I doubt it, I mean after the way I yelled at him, it’s not like,”

“You yelled at him?” he asked, turning towards me with wide eyes.

“I’m not doing this right now.” I shook my head as I realized he wouldn’t remember anything I’m saying in five minutes, let alone in the morning. “Just drink your water.”

“You’re mad at me.” He observed, wandering back to the bathroom without any warning.

“I’m not mad, I’m worried.” I corrected, as I followed him back to where we had just been sitting.

“There’s not much of a difference between mad and worried.” He let out, trying his hardest to keep eye contact.

“If I didn’t care about you I’d be mad I’m stuck here taking care of you,” I began. “But because I love you I’m more worried about making sure you’re okay than I am anything else that happened tonight, that’s the difference.”

“Wow” he let out, as surprise filled his drunken stare.

“Wow is right” I nodded, not realizing what he was so shocked about.

“You said you loved me.” He forced out, keeping the same wide eyed stare.

“What? No.” I shook my head, trying to think about the words I had just used “Shut up, it slipped!”

“Noooo.” he laughed, mimicking my head shake. “You can’t take it back now.”

“Whatever, you won’t remember it in five minutes anyway.” I observed, as he stood up and began to wander once more. “Where are you going?” I groaned, jumping up and chasing him into his room.

“Hmm.” he hummed once more, carefully scanning his room.

“Don’t think too hard Ry, your head will explode.” I teased; taking a seat on his bed, and watching him sort through all the paper on the floor.

“Here!” Ryder exclaimed, grabbing a sharpie off the ground.

He carefully uncapped the pen and began to write something on his arm “What are you doing?” I asked, lunging forward and trying to grab the pen from his hand.

He let out a big grin as I finally nabbed it from him, and extended his arm for me to see ‘Teddy said he loved you’. I tried my hardest to smudge it, but it was written so thick it barely wiped away.

“Wash it off, now!” I yelped, grabbing his arm and trying to lead him towards the bathroom. As we approached his door he broke free and gave me a light shove before running and jumping onto his bed. “Fine! Fine!” I waived off, shutting the door behind me. “You can keep it, just please, stay quiet.”

“I love you!” he teased, as our eyes connected once again.

“You’re drunk Ryder.” I sighed, taking a seat next to him on the bed.

“I know.” he shrugged, leaning up against me once more “But I also know I love you.”

“You better.” I couldn’t help but giggle, as he pulled me down to lay on his bed. “Don’t lay on your back.” I reprimanded, pushing him onto his side “You’re lucky you’re cute, you know that?”

“You’re lucky you’re cute” he mimicked, craning his head back in an attempt to look into my eyes “You really are cute.”

“Thanks Ryder.” I laughed once again, as he moved in to try and kiss me. “Okay that’s enough.” I smiled, as he tried his hardest to meet my lips. “I get it, I like you too.”

“No, you love me.” He corrected, trying once more to kiss me.

“Okay, okay, I love you, now stop!” I reprimanded, finally getting him to relax onto the bed.

“Who’s that?” he popped right back up, fascinated by the buzzing in my pocket “Ohhh do I have competition?”

“What? No!” I quickly shutdown trying my hardest to dig the phone out of my pocket “It’s probably my parents, so just, shhhh.” He nodded his head, but I could tell it didn’t really register with him “Hey Liz” I groaned, finally getting the phone up to my head.

“I thought you said it was your parents?” Ryder spoke up, immediately forgetting what I had just told him.

“I said it might be my parents, just relax for five seconds.” I reprimanded, hearing a faint laugh on the other end of the phone.

“Sounds like Ryder’s doing a lot better.” She observed, listening in to our conversation.

“He won’t stay still, or be quiet.” I complained. “I think I liked it better when he was throwing up.”

“Are you stuck sitting on the bathroom floor?” She asked, trying to get a gauge on how the rest of my night had gone.

“We just moved on from there, I’m trying to get him to lie down but he won’t stop fidgeting.” He looked over to me and raised his eyebrows “Yeah I’m talking about you genius.”

“Crankyyyy” Ryder sang, turning back over.

Once more I could hear Liz’s laughter echo through the phone “I just wanted to check on you, you were pretty overwhelmed when you left.”

“Yeah” I exhaled. “I-I don’t think I should’ve lashed out at Blake like that, but what choice did I have? Everyone was watching.”

“He deserved it.” she agreed in a faint voice. “Say, what did you mean when you told him to tell me how he felt?”

“Nothing.” I quickly dismissed. “I was just grasping at straws, you know I can make up stuff sometimes.”

“Yeah.” She let out, but I could tell she wasn’t buying it. “I should’ve stayed with him, shouldn’t I have?”

“No.” I rejected, thinking back at how much of a mess he was. “Let Mike deal with it, he made the monster, he gets to clean up after it.”

“Fair enough.” She exhaled, letting silence fill the air.

“Wait!” Ryder called out, taking advantage of the quiet. “Can I talk to her?”

“Nope” I refused, pulling away as he reached for my phone. “Ryder!” I reprimanded, trying my hardest to push his hands away. “Stop! I said no!”

“Uh oh” Liz laughed once more. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Teddy said he loved me!” Ryder yelped, as he got his face close enough to the phone.

“You didn’t.” Liz gasped, I could tell that his words froze her in place.

“No, shut up!” I cried out, finally getting enough space between me and Ryder.

“Don’t lie.” Ryder exclaimed. “You said that you were worried and you loved me.”

“So you remember that, but not the hundred times I told you to be quiet?” I pressured as he quickly turned back on his other side.

“Teddy,” Liz began, unsure of how much she should say “You’ve only been dating him a month, I don’t know if…” She hesitated, not wanting to overstep .

“It slipped.” I confessed in a breath “I was still all overwhelmed, and he was throwing up, and he thought I was mad at him, I don’t know, it just came out.”

“Well do you?” She asked, taking a step back to try and put herself in my shoes.

“Yeah” I nodded without hesitation. “I do.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about.” She comforted, I could tell that she was starting to smile at the idea of it.

“Ryder! Stop!” I exclaimed as he almost knocked the glass of water off his nightstand “Ask and I’ll get it for you.”

“I’ll get it for you.” he mimicked “You’re so controlling, you know that?”

“Liz I have to go” I groaned “Ryder’s starting to get belligerent again”

“I just wanted water!” he attempted to defend. “Teddy’s the belligerent one.”

“Okay, tell Ryder I say feel better.” She acknowledged before quickly hanging up her end.

A minute of quiet passed before Ryder turned back over to face me “So…” he led.

“So…” I mimicked, as he forced his forehead against mine. “You really need to relax, you’re getting too handsy right now.” I giggled .

“It’s because I like you so much.” He teased, starting to run his hand along my chest.

“You’re drunk Ryder.” I sighed, meeting his hands with mine before he could drop them any lower than my stomach.

“So?” he asked, trying to fight off my grip.

“So that means you have to stop touching and kissing me right now.” I giggled, watching him try to think over the concept.

“What if I sober up?” He asked, trying to find any loophole he could.

“Another night.” I let out, just as disappointed as him. “When you actually know what you’re doing.”

“Fine” He groaned, turning back over. He spent the next few minutes softly humming to himself, and dreaming off in his own head, until suddenly his humming turned to singing. I couldn’t help but smile at his idle singing, it was like he didn’t even realize he was doing it. Like he was just letting his soul flow out of his body. “Why do I know that song?” I let out, listening to him hum the tune a little bit more.

“Because I’ve sung it to you before.” He explained. He tried to turn towards me, but I blocked him knowing it’s easier to control him from behind.

“Oh!” I exclaimed, as the song clicked in my head. “That’s Wish You Were Here” As I connected the dots I realized it was the same song his dad sang to him when he was a little kid. I took a deep breath and pulled him closely “I’m sorry Ry.”

“For what?” he asked, trying his hardest to turn towards me.

“Your life shouldn’t be like this,” I began as he finally broke free and turned over. “It shouldn’t be this messy. I-I don’t know, I’m just sorry.”

“I don’t need you to be sorry,” He exhaled, returning his forehead against mine “I need you to be here for me.”

“I can do that” I smiled, as he finally calmed down “How do you feel?”

“Like I got hit by a truck.” He shrugged, forcing a smile on his face “But I’ll be okay, I’m still a little buzzed.”

“You don’t say?” I teased, finally able to fully enjoy the night. “Because I think you’re way passed buzzed.”

“Thank you for standing up for me.” He let out in a low voice “I still can’t believe you did that.”

I tilted my head but kept the smile on my face “I should’ve done it a long time ago.”

“I don’t blame you for not doing it.” He confessed. “I never text or snap you back, and when I do it’s one word texts or pictures of the floor. I’m not good at flirting, and I dress like an 8^th grader. And when I finally do get to spend time with you, I completely tank it.”

“you didn’t tank it.” I comforted, moving my hand up to his hair.

“I’m pretty sure you spent more of the night watching me throw up than actually talking to me.” He exhaled, as the smile faded from his face. “you deserve better.”

“I’m actually going to hit you.” I teased, trying to get him to lighten back up. “I swear I’m so sick of hearing you say that. When will you see that I like you for you.”

“I thought you loved me” he taunted, catching onto the light tone in my voice.

“I do love you.” I agreed once more showing no hesitation in my words.

“I love you too” He let out in a short laugh “I owe you dinner this weekend.”

“If my mom ever lets me out of the house again.” I groaned, looking over at Ryder’s nightstand and seeing the time.

“Your parents!” he exclaimed, finally realizing how out of control the night had gone. “You need to go home. Now!”

“I can’t” I refused, as he tried to pull away. “Look at you, you’re still shaky.”

“I’ll be okay.” he assured, sliding off the bed. He tried to show he could stand up straight, but the wobbling in his legs was proving otherwise. “I’ll drink another glass of water and go to bed.”

“Alright.” I sighed, rolling off his bed. “But sleep on your side, and text me if you need anything.”

“I will.” he agreed, pulling me in closely for a hug. “I would kiss you, but apparently I’m drunk.”

“Oh yeah.” I laughed, relieved to see how sober he was acting. “Ryder Sullivan, don’t you ever scare me like this again.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I could tell by the look in his eyes that he meant what he was saying. I could tell he would never let himself spiral this out of control again, well, at least not the Ryder I know.

My dad cleared his throat as I stepped out of the basement door, and seemingly into the same situation I was in just a few days ago. “Well it’s not three thirty in the morning, but you’re certainly trying to set some kind of record here.”

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head, unsure of how to explain the night to him. “Things just got out of hand. I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

“I remember you saying the same thing the other night.” My mother called out from the top of the stairs. “You think because you’re almost eighteen you can just come home whenever you want? If you want to start acting like an adult, I think it’s time we start treating you like one.”

“Why don’t we just hear him out?” My dad offered before I could respond.

“You did that the other night Harrison, and clearly it didn’t work.” She reprimanded, as she walked down the stairs. I took a deep breath as I saw the anger in her eyes, it’s been a long time since she’s given me that stare, and I haven’t missed it at all. “Teddy do you have any idea how stupid,”

“No” my dad interrupted, putting his foot down. “We’re hearing him out.”

“Harrison this isn’t,”

“Have you seen the look on his face, clearly he wasn’t out drinking all night.” My dad spoke up, looking over to me. “Go ahead, what happened tonight?” It’s rare for my dad to stand up to my mom, but it’s not because he’s afraid of her, it’s because he trusts in her parenting. However when he really disagrees, well that’s when sparks begin to fly.

“Me and Ryder went to Mike’s party like I told you we were going to.” I began, taking a seat on the couch to help me focus. “And it started off great, it really did, but I let Ryder out of my site for one minute, and he ran off to do shots with Blake.” My mom shot my dad an annoyed look as she heard my story. “But he’s on anti-depressants and stuff so he shouldn’t be drinking, and I don’t know what happened but he got super sick.”

“Is he okay?” my dad quickly interrupted, as concern entered his face.

“He’s fine.” I shook my head. “but in the moment it was so scary, you know? He wouldn’t stop shaking, and when we pulled up to his house he kept throwing up. I don’t know.” I nervously bit on my lip.“I couldn’t leave him like that.”

“We wouldn’t want you to.” My dad agreed, beginning to see my side of the story. “And you’re sure he’s okay?”

“Yeah” I quickly answered. “I got him a lot of water, and he sobered up a lot by time I left. I just think he lost himself for a little bit.”

My mom’s concerned gaze shifted from my dad to me as she heard my words. “And you’re sure this is the type of person you want to be caught up in?”

“what’s that mean?” I cringed, turning towards my dad.

“It means exactly what it sounds like.” She exclaimed before my dad could say anything. “Are you sure that Ryder is the type of boy you’re happy with? He’s, I-I just never pictured you with someone so, so, rough.”

“I’m not breaking up with him because he had one bad night.” I shook my head, looking to my dad for help.

“I’m not asking you to.” My mom quickly replied. “I just need you to know that there will be a lot more nights like this in your future, and they won’t exactly be easy to handle when you’re in medical school.”

“This was a onetime thing.” I argued, but could tell even my dad was having a hard time believing me “I swear.”

“You need to open yourself up to the chance that it’s not.” My dad finally spoke up. “I-I love having Ryder around, I really do, and if you really like him you shouldn’t let anything get between you two.” As he spoke he turned to my mom, reminding her where they should stand on the issue. “but he’s going to be around a lot of rough people that won’t really care about him. If he starts to have a bad relationship with alcohol and pills now, it’ll only get worse when his band blows up.”

“Okay.” I exhaled, knowing he was making good points. “I’ll talk to him about it when we go out later this week.”

“You’re not leaving this house for a good,”

“I think what your mother is trying to say is that we would appreciate it if you two would let us take you out to dinner Friday night.” My dad interrupted, taking control over the moment “Isn’t that right dear?”

“Yeah.” she muttered, biting back her words.

I took a deep gulp knowing how hard that would be for Ryder. I mean it’s bad enough I put him up on a podium at the party last night, now I have to go on a double date with my parents? “Okay” I agreed in a sigh. “but he’s not on trial.”

“No one’s saying he is.” My dad dismissed, trying to level with me, but as me and my mom’s eyes locked I knew she was going to do this her way.

“Okay, then let me hear mom say that.” I provoked as our stare grew intense. She held her silence and took a seat across from me, making sure to stare me down the whole way. “You know what I did tonight? I told him I loved him. I didn’t even know I loved him, it just slipped out and suddenly everything made sense.” She shifted her mouth as my words connected with her. “I don’t get why I have to keep defending him against everyone. It’s like the world is obsessed with kicking him while he’s down. If it’s not the kids at school constantly giving him crap, it’s the fact that his mind is constantly betraying him. Now worst of all I finally show him he can trust me, and my own mother is going to berate him with questions?”

“I’m not going to berate him, I just want,”

“Forget it” I shook my head, and stood up. “You know Dad,” I let out shifting my gaze to his. “He told me what you told him back when he gave you the demo of his E.P. He thinks he’s safe here. He thinks he can trust you both.” I angrily bit my lip as I thought over everything that was happening. “This is a real crappy thing to do to him.”

My dad looked to my mom, caught between us both. I know they want to make sure I’m happy and safe, that I fall in love with the right person. That I follow the road that’s best for me, but right now they need to let me just experience life. They need to let me see this through. They need to let me follow my heart, and see where it goes. “We’re taking you both out to dinner.” My dad spoke up as I reached the halfway point of the stairs “but it won’t be an interrogation. We’re not going to crucify him over one mistake.”

“I never said we were going to!” My mom defended, aggravated by the way her husband was talking. “What? I’m the bad guy for worrying about who Teddy’s dating? Is it such a bad thing that I don’t want to see you get hurt?”

“It’s not that.” I groaned, leaning over the railing so I could see them both. “It’s how you’re trying to control me again. Every time I start doing something you don’t like, you immediately try to tear it down.”

“I do not!” She protested, looking towards my dad for support.

“I’m staying out of this.” He shrugged, sitting back and keeping his mouth closed.

“Harrison!” She reprimanded, shooting him daggers.

“All I’ll say is this,” he sighed. “When you were Teddy’s age you weren’t exactly an angel, and if we listened to everything your parents said we might not even have Teddy right now.”

“What?” I blurted out, feeling my eyes beginning to bulge out of my head.

“Harrison!” My mom repeated, keeping her stare on him

“What?” He shook his head, not fully understanding what he had said wrong.“Teddy knows he wasn’t exactly planned.”

“So you guys were going to abort me?” I asked, taking a seat on the steps.

My mom kept her gaze on my dad for a few more seconds before looking up to me. “Never” She comforted in a reassuring voice. “but my parents were pushing for me to give you up.”

“But we didn’t listen, and look how this ended up.” He nodded, figuring no damage had been done.

“I could kill you right now.” She grunted, returning her eyes to his. “Is that what you want to teach him? To not listen to us?”

“No,” he quickly shook his head. “But I want him to know to follow his heart. No matter what happens in your life, listen to it Teddy.” He confidently stood up “And that’s the last we’re talking about any of this. Good night.”

When I woke up the next morning my mom tried her hardest to reassure me she never once thought of giving me up. That it wasn’t even an option for her. There are a lot of upsides to having your parents be open and honest with you, but this definitely isn’t one of them. Either way she must’ve felt really bad about the whole conversation because when she heard I was going to check on Ryder she made sure to pack him some of the soup she made earlier in the week.

The closer I got to his house the more anxious I grew. I know it’s only noon, but I wish he would’ve texted me this morning or something, anything!

Mrs. Sullivan shot me a weird look as she watched me pull into the driveway and up the front porch. “I hope Ryder didn’t agree to any plans this afternoon.” She laughed as I stepped out of the car. “He normally doesn’t get up until two! Well except for recording days, but he’s got a whole ritual for that.”

“Ritual?” I asked, seeing the pile of vomit still lying in their driveway.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, as I got to the front door. “You’re free to try and wake him up though, not that it’ll work.”

“I’ll find a way.” I smiled, as her attention moved towards the puke in their driveway.

“Any chance you know how that got there?” She asked, a suspicious look growing on her face.

“Yeah.” I quickly answered, running through a million excuses in my head “You know that place Rutt’s Hut up on,”

“Oh dear.” She interrupted, shaking her head in frustration. “I don’t know why he always insists on eating there! It’ probably looked the same way going down!” she teased.

“Yeah.” I nodded “He was pretty sick, but you know him, stubborn as a bull.”

“You’re preaching to the choir.” She laughed, relaxing a bit more in her chair. “Did you guys even make it to that party?”

“For a little while/” I shrugged, knowing the best lies are the ones rooted in truth. “But he was so sick we just bailed.”

“He’s lucky to have you.” she reassured. “Now go drag his lazy ass out of bed!”

“Can do.” I smiled finally entering the house. I took a deep breath as I entered his room, knowing he’d be, well, messy.

“Ryder.” I gently called out, nudging the slim figure. “I think it’s time to wake up.” He let out a long groan before turning his back to me, desperate for just a few more minutes of sleep. “Come on Ry” I whispered, standing over him and laying a kiss on his head “at least sit up for me.”

“Fine.” he grumbled, mustering whatever strength he had and slowly raising his upper half up. “What the hell happened last night?” he forced out, barely opening his eyes.

“You tell me” I laughed, seeing he didn’t even have the energy to change out of last night’s clothes.

“Last thing I remember is you losing your mind outside of Mike’s house.” He shrugged, trying his hardest to remember anything about last night. “I think me and Blake did some shots, I don’t remember much else.”

“I didn’t lose my ‘damn mind’” I complained, trying my hardest to keep eye contact with him.

He let himself fall back on his bed, and turned towards me. “I never said it was a bad thing.” he mumbled.

“Good.” I smiled, just relieved he’s okay. “Do you remember throwing up outside your house, or in your bathroom a good three or four times?”

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Is that why my head feels like it’s going to explode?”

“Yup.” I giggled. “And I had the luxury of playing nurse the whole time.”

“I’m an asshole.” he grunted, bashfully looking away. “Does my grandma know?”

“No you’re not, you just had a bad night. It happens to everyone.” I shrugged “And no she doesn’t. She just asked what happened outside, so I told her you got food poisoning from Rut’s Hut.”

“How’d you know I like that place?” He asked, slightly tilting his head.

I shrugged and tried my hardest to keep my smile small “No idea, I just knew that that place gets everyone sick.”

“Not me,” He tried to defend, sitting back up.

“Well it did last night.” I reprimanded, shooting him a serious look. “Got it?”

“Got it.” he groaned, putting his hands up to his head.

“Here.” I offered, laying the bag I had brought on his night stand. “I bought you Gatorade and aspirin, and my mom made you soup.”

“Did you tell them I got sick at Rutt’s Hut too?” He asked, grabbing the aspirin off the table.

“No.” I sighed “They know exactly what happened.”

“What?” He exclaimed, before groaning once more in pain. “Are you crazy?”

“My parents are cool, they understood.” I lied, recalling the battle I had to put up with last night. “They actually want to take us both out to dinner tomorrow night.”

“Oh Teddy, I don’t know if,”

“You said you owed me last night.” I teased, giving him a light nudge with my hand “You’re coming.”

“Fine.” He grunted, before quickly downing the aspirin. He took a second to think before reaching out for the pill case and systematically taking three or four more pills. “What?” he asked, seeing the look of concern on my face.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, carefully thinking it all over. “It’s just, that stuff is safe for you right?”

He shrugged his shoulders and placed the case back down on the stand. “I don’t know, but compared to how I feel when I’m off them, I don’t care to find out.” I nodded my head understanding where he was coming from, but knew I still looked worried. “I’ll be fine.”

“I-it’s not that. It’s just,” I bit on my lip and thought it over. “Did you really have to do those shots last night? You told me you had a system for drinking on your meds, how do I know that’s true?”

“I slipped up.” He let out, trying to down play the night, but I could tell there was more to it than that.

“Ryder” I pressured, beginning to stare him down.

“You wouldn’t understand.” He groaned, turning his back to me.

“Try me.” I offered, not about to take no for an answer.

He stayed silent for a few minutes before turning back over. “Do you have any idea how nerve-racking it was to go around that party meeting all those people? Especially when most of them make fun of me. Do you have any idea how anxious I was?” This time I grew silent as his words hit me. “So I’m sorry if I tried to loosen myself up.” I nervously ran my hand along the arm of the chair, thinking over everything he had just laid out. “I’m not trying to blame you for my mistake, but you have to at least try and understand where I’m coming from.”

“I’m sorry.” I exhaled, trying to force myself to look at him. “I was being selfish. I got so caught up in who I want us to be, that I forgot who you are.” I uncomfortable shifted my mouth as his eyes fully connected with him. “I like you for you; I shouldn’t have tried to change anything. I shouldn’t’ve tried to make you popular, or the center of attention. But when I get carried away like that you need to tell me.” This time it was my turn to go on the offensive. “Do you have any idea how terrified I was last night? The way you were shaking and throwing up, I thought you’d wind up in a hospital bed all night. We both have to be better.”

“Yeah.” he muttered, as his eyes fell to the ground. “But you don’t want to give up on this right?”

“No.” I quickly answered. “You have to stop saying that. Did I want to take care of you puking? No. But at the same time I didn’t want to be anywhere else but by your side.”

“I don’t want to give up on it either.” he breathed with a slight nod of his head.

I stood up and laid a kiss on his forehead/ “Good” I nodded. “Now get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Okay.” he nodded, getting more comfortable in his bed. “Teddy” he called out as I reached the doorway. “For the record, I love you too.”

My face grew red as I turned back and saw him reading the note he had written on his arm. I knew I should’ve washed it off when he was falling asleep! “I-it slipped last night. I wish I could’ve told you in a more romantic way, but I was scared, and you thought I was mad and it just kind of popped out.” I nervously stuttered not sure what else to say “I, why don’t we just forget it and,”

“No.” he interrupted, trying his hardest to put strength behind his voice. “I was throwing up, and belligerent, and you still said you loved me. If you can love me then, then I know you can love me through anything.” He confidently explained. “I wouldn’t want you to tell me any other way.”

“I love you Ryder Sullivan.” I smiled, as his words forced my heart to flutter.

The next day and a half went by in a flash. Blake reached out to me, but I ignored it. I need time away from him and Mike for now. Time to remember who I am, by myself.

As my Dad pulled into the lot of a nearby nice restaurant I couldn’t help but grow nervous. How is Ryder going to react to eating at such a fancy place? How is Ryder going to react to eating with my parents?!

“There’s your prince charming.” My dad teased, seeing Ryder approaching in the distance. This time wearing a nice button up shirt which looked almost new with long khaki pants and skater shoes he was desperately trying to play off as dressy ones.

“I almost didn’t recognize you.” I teased as he anxiously stood near me. I could tell he was considering hugging me, but wasn’t sure if it was okay in front of my parents. I rolled my eyes and pulled him in close, not caring what they thought.

“What’s the matter Ryder?” My dad asked, noticing the nervous tension. “Cat got your tongue?” he teased, trying his hardest to break the ice.

“Long day.” Ryder shrugged, finally speaking. “but I got you both this.” He let out, offering my parents a small red rectangle. “It’s the first official real copy of our self-titled E.P.”

“Messiah?” My mom repeated, shooting my dad a weird look.

“I like it.” My Dad shrugged “It’s got that kind of classic metal vibe.”

“Yeah” Ryder tensely laughed “I was pushing for something a bit more relaxed, but your brother insisted it fit. He told me that’s what I’ll become to my fans, but I don’t believe it.” He shook his head before turning towards me and handing over another red square. “This, you,” He took another breath and recollected himself. “This-it’s the first ever signed copy of it. I know, they mean nothing but,”

“It’s perfect Ryder.” I smiled, pulling him in for another hug. As he pulled away I couldn’t help but look down at the case. An upside down cross decorated a blood red background with their name hanging high above it “Upside down cross? I thought you were a Christian?” I asked before my mom could jump to the wrong conclusions.

“I am.” Ryder quickly blurted out. “Or at least, I try to be. But it’s symbolic,” he hesitated, but my dad gave him an encouraging nod, wanting to hear what he had to say. “It’s like, if the cross can be flipped and turned into a sign of evil, why can’t anything else in this world?”

My mother looked to my dad, skeptical of the message. “That’s a powerful meaning, did you guys hire an outside company to create it?”

“No.” Ryder shook his head. “I, we don’t have the budget for that, so I made it. I’ve always had the idea in the back of my head.”

“He’s smart like that.” I bragged leading everyone inside before my mom could make any type of remark.

I could see Ryder uncomfortable shifting in his seat as he tried to get comfortable. I nodded as he mimicked my ritual of moving the silverware off my plate and putting the napkin over my lap. “I actually have something else for you guys.” Ryder exhaled, beginning to tap his fingers against the table. “I wanted to wait until after dinner, but I can’t.” I shot him a weird look, unsure of what was coming next. He reached into his pocket and pulled out 3 squares with his signature on them. “These are passes for warped tour next week.”

“For what?” My dad gasped, as he looked them over “This is? What?” my dad let out in shock.

“You didn’t tell him?” Ryder asked, turning towards me.

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. “It wasn’t my place.”

“It’s like a music festival for upcoming rock bands, and well, I,” he took a deep breath trying his hardest to focus his words. “Me and my band are one of the opening acts.”

“Oh my god!” My dad shouted, accidently interrupting the tables around us. “Sorry” he quickly apologized before turning back towards Ryder. “This is nuts! I mean, I knew you were going places, but next week?! Already?!”

“It’s nothing crazy.” Ryder tried to dismiss. “Just one show.”

“And if he does well enough he’ll join them on the eastern leg of the tour.” I bragged, making sure to stare down my mother the whole time.

“Yeah, but,”

“Ryder that’s amazing!” My dad interrupted “Congratulations, we’re all so proud of you!”

“Thanks.” Ryder blushed, trying his hardest to hide his growing smile. “I really did want to wait until after dinner, but I couldn’t hold it in.”

“I don’t blame you.” My dad laughed

“I’m still buying my own ticket.” I teased, reaching over and softly rubbing Ryder’s back.

“Well yeah, you need to,” he provoked “Those three are for your parents and your uncle.” I made a face and tilted my head at him. “Well this is awkward.” he joked, finally growing comfortable in the moment.

I saw my dad looked over and smile to my mom, but I could tell she wasn’t charmed by our budding relationship. “So Ryder,” she began with a serious look “Have you looked into Julliard, they have a great music program, and it’s close.”

Ryder let out another laugh before realizing she was serious. “No.” he straightened himself up. “My parents were against that type of education. Music isn’t something that needs to be taught, it’s something you feel. I mean sure,” he paused to catch a breath and make sure what he was saying was okay. “You have to be taught to play an instrument or read music, but that’s it. I don’t need some stiff telling me how to write a song.”

“Spoken like a true musician.” My dad approved, but I could tell my mom still wasn’t impressed.

“Okay.” My mom nodded “but wouldn’t it feel good to have a degree to fall back on?”

“I guess.” he shrugged. “But you don’t need a degree to make music, or to tour.”

“That’s true, but what if this tour doesn’t work out.” She quickly took a sip of water, seeing the daggers in my eyes. “Not that I think it won’t, I’m sure you’ll do amazing. I’m just saying, as another option.”

“The barn is my other option.” he shrugged. “I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate it,” He grabbed my hand under the table in an effort to keep form stuttering or hesitating. “I really do, but I can’t see myself doing anything but making my own music.”

“And you realize that’s not practical?” She asked, starting to grow serious.

“Then I guess I’m lucky I’m dating a future doctor.” He teased, but gripped my hand tighter as he noticed the joke didn’t land. “I don’t know,” he sighed, trying to refind his point. “Money’s never really mattered to me. I, to be completely honest,” he gulped. “I’d be fine if I wound up living out of a van. I just want to make music.”

My mom went to say something, but the waiter came to take our orders before she could. I anxiously watched her staring at Ryder throughout the whole process. I know he likes to be his honest self, but he’s totally killing me right now! I mean did he really need to tell her he’s okay with living in a van?

As the waiter walked away my dad took control of the conversation, trying his hardest to steer it into more friendly territory, but I could tell my mom didn’t want to let it go. After a few minutes of forced small talk Ryder cleared his throat and looked to my mom. “Look,” he sighed. “I know what I said before isn’t what you want to hear. I know you don’t want your son dating someone who’s only going to have a high school education, if that.”

“If that?” she repeated, tensely looking to my dad.

“I,” Ryder nervously stumbled, realizing he’d shared too much.

“Mom, lay off.” I grunted, trying to keep my voice low.

“No, it’s fine.” Ryder nervously laughed. “If touring takes off I might not finish high school.”

“Oh my god.” I groaned, throwing my head in my hands.

He quickly began to rub my back. “Just hear this out.” he tried to whisper to me, before returning his attention to my mom. “But there’s a big difference between being okay with living out of a van and wanting to. I don’t want to live in a van,” he nervously shook his head. “I want to be the next face of rock music, and okay, maybe I’m not living life in the most orthodox way. I won’t go to college and earn a degree, I won’t move away and join some fraternity or something, but success doesn’t have just one path,” he began finally finding confidence in his words. “Name one other eighteen year old you know who has a record deal, and a tour offer?” He asked, looking over at my dad who simply shrugged his shoulders. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I know what I’m doing, and I’m working my behind off to make it happen. If I wind up playing run down bars the rest of my life, so be it,” he sighed “But I promise you I’m doing everything in my power to stop that from happening.”

“I know that,” My mom lied, clearly impressed by his words “but when it comes to Teddy,”

“Mrs. Haner,” Ryder interrupted. “I’m going to tell you something I haven’t even told Teddy.” he began, trying his hardest to block out my curious eyes. “He’s my world.” He confessed “I know it’s only been a month, but I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Everything I do, every choice I make, he’s in the back of my head. I, there’s nothing I would ever do to intentionally hurt him.” Ryder confidently nodded, with words so powerful they couldn’t help but grasp my mother’s attention. “I love your son, and there’s nothing in this world that could ever change that.” He shook his head, unsure of what else to say “You just have to trust me on that.”

“Yeah?” she asked, as he slowly began to win her over. “And how do I know I can trust you?”

“Because I’ve never had anyone in my life love me the way Teddy has,” he explained with confidence so strong I couldn’t believe it was still Ryder speaking. “It’s cliché, but it’s the truth.”

“Even when I don’t stand up for you?” I asked, as our eyes met.

“Even when you don’t stand up for me.” He nodded without hesitation “But I have a feeling those days are over.”

“Long over” I emphasized catching onto his confidence. A contagious laugh began in his voice that I couldn’t help but catch. It seemed the longer our eyes remained connected the harder we laughed. Until finally I turned away to catch my breath.

“They remind me of us at their age.” my dad whispered a little too loud to my mom.

She rolled her eyes and looked over to him. “Let’s hope they’re smarter than we were.”

“Well neither of us are pregnant yet.” I teased with soft eyes.

“Teddy.” Ryder nudged me, unsure if I was kidding or not.

“Key word is yet.” she teased, showing him everything was okay.

“So then you haven’t told them yet?” Ryder teased, turning towards me as he caught onto the light atmosphere growing at the table.

“We’re having triplets.” I joked, looking towards my mother, who simply rolled her eyes at our game.

“Please.” she exhaled. “The best part about you coming out was knowing that you won’t be a father at eighteen.”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” My dad quickly clarified, trying not to make my birth sound like an inconvenience. My mom looked at him as quiet spread at the table.

“So when did Teddy come out?” Ryder filled the growing silence, trying his hardest to keep the atmosphere from taking a dive.

My mom looked at me and carefully thought it over. “Around eight.” She let out. “He kind of just came up to us one day and said he liked boys. Of course we didn’t think much of it at that age. He was so young we figured he couldn’t have possibly known.” She laughed and shook her head, remembering what life was like back then. “Of course, then he and Liz caught Bieber fever and that was that.”

“The end of my world.” My dad shook his head. “Of all people, Justin Bieber?”

“Let it go Harrison, he likes pop music.” My mom groaned, tired of having that conversation with him.

“Yeah, yeah.” he muttered, before enthusiastically popping his head back up. “But hey! He likes a rock star now!” Ryder’s face began to blush as the focus shifted to him.

“Speaking of the rock star,” my mom began “When did you come out? If you don’t mind us asking.”

“Like fourteen,” he shrugged. “I guess I always knew, but I didn’t let it out until I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It just got to the point where my mind could only hold in so much and that felt like a dumb thing to hide.” I could tell there was a lot more to the story, but was scared to push him.

My mom nodded her head in support, but I could tell she had noticed the same thing as me. “So then how long have you gone to school with Teddy?” My dad spoke up, helping him to shift the topic.

“Kindergarten.” Ryder quickly let out, slightly caught off-guard that they didn’t know that.

My dad looked over to my mom, having a seemingly wordless conversation in their eyes. “Really?” My mom spoke up. “I guess there were so many kids, and Teddy only played with Liz, Blake and Mike, I don’t know.” She shook her head, figuring she had known almost all the kids in my thirty kid kindergarten class.

“Well I missed a lot of days” he spoke up. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was about to get serious, and immediately met his hand with mind. “My mom passed away pretty early in the school year and my dad kept me out for a while, just until we moved into the house I live in now. Then when I finally went back for a day or two, he passed and my grandma pulled me out of school for even longer.” He took a break, making sure to stay on top of his emotions. “I think I went back with like two months left, but by then everyone had their play groups. I kind of fell by the wayside and into obscurity, and that was just kind of school for me from then on.” He must not have realized the power of his words, because as he looked back up he seemed shocked at how melancholy my parents had grown. “Sorry I didn’t mean to be a downer, I was just,”

“It’s okay.” My mom quickly interrupted. “You have no reason to apologize. It’s just, I didn’t, if you don’t mind me asking, how come no one told the other parents?”

“My dad wanted it all to stay quiet,” Ryder explained in a sigh. “He didn’t want kids playing with me because they felt bad. Then when my grandmother took over she just wanted to protect me from it all. She still tries to protect me from it all.” He shrugged. A sorrowful silence filled the air as my parents tried to put together the pieces of what it was like for Ryder to grow up. I couldn’t help but gently stroke his hand in an effort to show support. So that’s how he became the school loser. That’s why he never had any friends. That’s why everyone ignores him. God, even as kindergartners we were dicks to him. “You don’t need to feel bad or anything.” He spoke up, trying his hardest to string together the right words. “They’re the cards that were dealt, and now it’s about trying to play them in the best way possible.”

“It’s good that you can find an optimistic outlook.” My dad supported, finally speaking. “I’m sure that helped you get through a lot of hard times.”

“Actually.” Ryder began, turning towards me and lightly squeezing my hand. “I didn’t know how to look at the bright side of things until recently. I just guess I started hanging out with the right people.”

I couldn’t help but blush at his complement. To think, Ryder’s been in my life for thirteen years. That I’ve had the opportunity to be this happy for thirteen years, and I only figured it all out this summer. Ryder Sullivan, you’ve changed my life just as much as I’ve changed yours, maybe even more.

 

* Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd, 1975