The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 22. Goodbye Ryder Sullivan

---Ryder---

Hearing my own voice on the radio, hearing the lyrics I’d gone over in my head about three hundred times, its-its-its indescribable. I used to dream of this moment, and now it’s here. I’m going on tour! I’m on the radio! I’m making it! I’m actually making it!

“So Ryder,” Mrs. Haner began as the song came to an end. “You’ve got your tour, you’re on the radio, what’s the plan from here?”

I took a second to really think everything over. I mean, I didn’t think I’d ever even get this far! “Find a band to sign us as their opener.” I nodded, really thinking it over. “But before that we should probably put out an album. So I need to start writing, and all that, and then find a way to get back into the studio. Actually, we’re not even technically signed yet, so I guess we have to,”

“Why don’t we just let him enjoy the moment.” Harry interrupted, looking over at his wife. “He’s earned it.” Mrs. Haner nodded along with her husband’s words. I could tell it wasn’t her intention to worry me or anything, she just wants to make sure I’m prepared for what’s coming next.

Before I knew it quiet filled the car and I started dozing off on Teddy’s shoulder once more. “Ry,” I heard Teddy softly let out. “We’re here.”

I slowly opened my eyes and looked around at the familiar black air of the cemetery. “Oh,” I let out, trying my hardest to fully wake up. “Thank you for the ride home.”

“Thank you for the tickets.” Harry smiled. “We’re honored to have been a part of it.” I smiled and nodded, unsure of how to respond.

“Come on,” Teddy nudged. “I’ll walk you to the door.” I smiled and slowly exited the car, wishing both his parents a good night. “So,” Teddy smiled “Is there any chance you can come hang out tomorrow before I lose you?”

“Yeah.” I quickly nodded, not even having considered that this might be the last time I see him for a week or two. “I want to eat dinner with my grandma, so I’ll hang out with you all afternoon if that’s okay.”

“Works for me.” he smiled, gently laying a kiss on my lips. “I’m so proud of you,” he encouraging, pulling me in closely. “Today was all you, no one else. You’re the one who got yourself where you are now. You’re an amazing musician Ryder.”

“Thank you.” I exhaustedly grinned, laying my head against his. As he pulled away I managed to get in one last kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” he nodded, gently rubbing his hand along my face before turning and heading down the stairs. I took a second to watch him walk away, appreciating everything about him. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him in my life. I don’t care what he says; he played a bigger role today than he thinks.

As I quietly pulled open the door I saw my grandma standing near the window, watching the car pull off. “You love that boy?” She asked, showing that she’d been spying on us the whole time.

“Grandma,” I groaned, looking at her then away. “You can’t watch us like that, it’s creepy.”

“But you love him?” She asked, cautiously staring at me. She’s never made too big a deal of it, but I know my sexuality is hard on her. She grew up in a world where it was looked down upon, where gay people were treated like animals instead of humans.

“Yes.” I forced out with a nod. “I love Teddy.”

“And you’re sure,”

“Grandma.” I interrupted, not wanting to hear another word. “I love him. When I see him my heart freezes, and does this weird thing where it feels like it’s not even beating anymore. Even though I’ve spent so much time with him my palms get soaked in sweat every time I have to talk to him. I’m always worried about saying the wrong thing, or disappointing him.” I shook my head as I exhaled a breath. “My soul just feels, it feels, alive when I’m with him.”

She quietly observed me for another second before taking a seat. “I don’t know dear, I’m trying, but I don’t understand it.” She sighed. “I’m worried I never will. It’s like the world just keeps moving forward, quickly leaving me behind. It’s time for me to move on and accept it, but I just,”

“Grandma,” I interrupted, walking up and grabbing onto her hand. “You’re doing ten times better than you think you are. You’ve never once yelled at me, or said anything mean. You never hesitated or treated me any different after I came out. I know you don’t think so, but you’ve handled this so much better than the majority of parents out there.” I took a second and wrapped my arms around her. “I love you so much for that.”

“You sure?” she teased, quickly hugging me back.

“Since the day I was born.” I confirmed, reminding myself how lucky I was to have her in my life.

“I love you too,” she softly smiled. “Now how did your show go?”

“Grandma,” I let out once again as I felt a smile cross my face. “I did it. I-I’m going on tour.”

“No way!” she laughed. She tried to stand up, but the exhaustion of her day glued her to the chair. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I went up there and did my thing, and we sold like sixty-five CDs, and then Teddy yelled at a singer of one of the major bands and convinced them to put in a good word for us.” I shook my head as the smile grew wider. “And then just like that we had a spot, I-everything’s moving so fast, I, I can’t believe this.” I took a breath and tried my hardest to get a grasp over everything. “And we were on the radio! I swear to god we were! It felt like a dream, but they played one of our songs!”

A small smile filled her face as her gaze looked out the window. “They’d love if you went and told them.”

For a second I felt my smile fading, as frustration built from her crazy ways, but as I followed her gaze I couldn’t help but be hit with a wave of emotions. “Yeah,” I agreed as calmness overtook everything I was feeling. “I think I’ll go talk to them.”

She happily nodded her head and watched me approach the door. “And Ryder,” she exhaled. “This is the proudest moment of my life.”

I let out a small laugh, but kept pushing before tears began to form from her words. “Mom, Dad” I softly called out, kneeling before the pair of graves just a few steps from my driveway “I played warped tour today. I was on stage in front of hundreds of people, I sang to hundreds of people.” I exhaled, shaking my head. “It still sounds crazy to me, but I did it. I’m going on tour for a little bit in two days, and I, I just want you both to know that I’m doing this for you. I love you both, and I-I,” I felt tears begin to fall from my eyes as I stared at the graves. “I wish you were here to see this. I wish you could’ve been in that crowd watching me, but I have another family there supporting me. My boyfriend Teddy’s. I-I love him so much, and I know both of you would too. I’m not alone anymore,” I shook my head. “I have them, so please don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay, for the first time in my life, I’m okay.” I began to smile as more and more tears fell. “I love you both.” I placed my hand between the two graves and took another minute to just breathe and think.

I felt goose bumps line my arms as a light breeze swept past me, lightly running through my hair. When I was a little kid my grandma used to tell me nature was how my parents spoke to me. The birds, the trees, the clouds, the wind. It all used to sound so crazy to me, so absolutely insane, but not right now, not in this moment. They’re here listening to me, and I won’t let them down.

I couldn’t help but jump as I felt my grandmother’s hand rest on my shoulder. “Cooper,” My grandmother let out, calling to my dad. “You gave this world a gift in this boy. You and Brianna should be proud.” She took a breath and smiled, feeling the same thing I had just a few seconds ago. “I told you Ryder. I know you can feel them. They’re here now, just like they’ve always been.” I slowly stood up, and grabbed onto her as another breeze blew by us.

“Come on,” I began, leading her towards the house. “It’s been a long day.”

I could tell by the way she was looking at me she was mulling over something in her head. Almost as though she was starting to get sentimental. “This world needs you Ryder,” she let out as I walked her to her bedroom door. “Now more than ever.” She hugged me one last time, letting her words sink in. “I love you dear.”

For the first time in a very long time I slept like a baby. Everything just felt right, like my world was slowly coming together. It hasn’t been perfect, but I’m getting there. I’ll find my way, one way or another, I swear I will.

I couldn’t help but wake up the next morning excited for what was coming next. Everything just seemed so perfect. “Good morning.” My grandma smiled, shooting me a cautious look. “Someone looks happy.”

“Yeah,” I couldn’t help but laugh. “I don’ know.” I shrugged. “I just have a good feeling about everything.”

“You should.” She assured, walking over and lightly rubbing my back. “Oh,” she remarked as my phone began to ring. “Guess your life of fame is already taking off.”

I raised my eyebrows and quickly raised the phone to my ear. “What’s up?”

“Dude!” Brandon began. “Have you spoken to Martin yet? We were on the radio last night! It was,”

“Yeah man,” I cut off. “I heard it on my way home, freaking nuts.”

“Did you catch it the first time, or the twentieth?” He teased, trying his hardest to share the news.

I felt surprise spread across my face as I thought over his words. “What?”

“Disclosed is taking off right now man!” Brandon yelped in excitement. “It’s climbing the rock charts! Last I saw it was like one hundred and three! That’s insane for us! Martin’s working on getting it on Spotify as we speak!”

“Oh my god!” I gasped, as the week only seemed to get better. “Oh my god! We have a song people are going to want to hear at Warped! People are actually going to want to see us!”

“Don’t sound so surprised. We, uh, we made a mistake for ragging on you for that song.” Brandon exhaled, beginning to grow serious. “We made fun of you in the studio that day, nearly kicked you out of the band for it. I-we’re sorry man. This is all you, we won’t second guess you anymore.” I sat there, speechless as his words hit me. “You still there?” Brandon asked after a few seconds of silence.

“Yeah.” I shook my head. “Yeah I’m here.”

“Alright cool,” he laughed, knowing how hard the moment had hit me. “So anyway, we’re trying to leave around ten in the morning tomorrow, so we’ll pick you up at like nine thirty, does that work?”

“Yeah,” I let out once again, not able to find any words.

“And make sure to bring four hundred bucks,” Suddenly my heart began to sink in my chest. “You know for food, supplies, gas, all that stuff.” A few more seconds of silence passed as I tried my hardest to figure out where I was going to get the money from. “You can pay that right?”

“Of course.” I quickly assured. “I’ll have the money ready in the morning.”

“Good,” he exhaled in a breath of relief. “For now just enjoy time with your family. Oh! And don’t forget to use protection, I know how,”

“Bye Brandon!” I yelped, hanging up the phone before he had the chance to tease me. I know they can be douchey, but we’re still figuring one another out. Still trying to get close, I mean, who knows? Maybe this tour is exactly what we need.

“So what was that about money?” My grandma nervously asked, reading the concern on my face.

I went to speak, but looked away knowing how tight money was in this house. Sure we don’t pay rent, but that doesn’t mean we have much money to spare. We basically live off my grandmother’s social security checks. “I need four hundred bucks.” I finally forced out, finding the words to speak.

“Oh Ryder,” My grandmother exhaled, taking a seat across from me. “I-I don’t, by when?”

“Tomorrow.” I gulped, realizing how hard this was going to be on her. “I-forget it, maybe we don’t need warped,”

“No!” she interrupted. “I’ll find a way to get you that. I mean, I have two hundred saved away, there has to be a way to get two hundred more. Maybe if I,”

“I’ll sell a guitar or two,” I interrupted, not wanting to hear what sacrifices she wanted to make. “I mean I could easily sell two for a hundred each that should cover it.”

“But Ryder, you grew up with those guitars,”

“I know.” I cut off in a deep breath. “But I have to, I, what choice do I have?” My grandma stayed quiet as the reality began to hit her. “I’ll bring them to the pawn shop by time I get done at Teddy’s. I mean who knows, maybe I can pawn them and then pay it off when I get back. It doesn’t mean I’ll lose them.”

“Yeah,” My grandma quickly nodded, trying her hardest to encourage me. “Take two hundred from them, and I swear we’ll find a way to pay it off.”

I nodded my head, trying to keep optimistic but I could see the pain in her eyes. “It’s okay grandma.” I let out, trying my hardest to hide my disappointment .“Pretty soon I’ll have a way to make sure we never have to worry about money again.”

It took me a good hour or two to get my head on straight before I left for Teddy’s, but as I grew closer and closer to his house I couldn't help but feel the weight of the situation falling on my shoulders. I mean, I get it, they’re just guitars, and I’ll probably get them back, but just knowing I might lose them, it kills me inside.

“There he is!” Harry let out as I climbed out of my car. “I heard Disclosed on the radio again this morning!”

“That’s great.” I forced a smile, as he reached down and tried to restart the lawn mower.

“It really is a genius song,” he began, desperately pulling at the chord. “They way you guys incorporated piano, and what violins?”

“Yeah.” I quickly nodded.

“In with the guitars and drums, that’s what a rock song should be! Genius!” he exclaimed as the lawn mower finally jumped to life. He thought something over before seeing me slowly edge my way to the front door. “Teddy’s in the basement, go on in.”

“I know that face.” Teddy observed as he saw me appear in the stairway. “What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” I lied, trying my hardest to keep the fake smile on my face. “Just figuring out the last of the tour details.”

“Oh,” Teddy exhaled, pulling me closely as I sat down next to him. “Like what type of details?”

I shrugged my shoulders, trying my hardest to play dumb. “Little stuff, nothing worth talking about.” Concern slowly entered my eyes as he tried his hardest to break down what was going on. “Can we just, like, listen to music and relax for a bit?”

“Yeah,” he softly exhaled, turning on the T.V. and handing me his phone. “It’s all hooked up, just whatever you want to play, go for it.”

“I love you.” I couldn’t help but smile, as I noticed he actually understood me.

“I love you too.” he exhaled in a relieved breath seeing me finally relax. A good forty minutes passed by of me just lying on his chest, trying my hardest to relax. I could tell the music I put on wasn’t exactly his favorite, but he was trying his hardest not to bother me.

“I love you.” I let out once more, realizing how much he was doing for me. “I-you’re the best boyfriend ever.”

“I try.” he teased, laying a kiss on the top of my head. “So are you going to tell me what’s bothering you yet?”

I let out a deep sigh, but as I looked up into his eyes I realized how much I could trust him. “I need to pawn two of my guitars.” I finally confessed.

He tried to hide the surprise on his face and slowly began to rub my arm. “Why?”

“We need four hundred bucks each by tomorrow, and I can only afford to give in two, so I’m gonna try and pawn a guitar or two.” I exhaled. “And I know, they’re just dumb guitars but growing up, they were the only thing there for me. They’re what got me through all those hard days and nights, and I-I really don’t want to lose them.”

“Ryder,” Teddy softly let out, thinking over the situation. “I, I’m sorry. Did you talk to them? I mean maybe they’ll,”

“No.” I quickly interrupted. “It’s bad enough I hopped on last minute for the E.P. I mean am I really going to start with the band like this? Jump on just in time for success, but I’m too poor to even pay my fair share?” I let out a deep sigh, and lightly shook my head. “I can’t do that to them. Just one time in my life I want things to go right without hitting a road block.”

“Well I don’t know about you,” Teddy began, wrapping his arm around my chest. “But I think this is going pretty well.”

“Yeah,” I exhaled, getting more comfortable in his arms. “I guess it is.”

“Look, the rest of the stuff, it’s not easy,” He gently started to run his hand up and down my side. “but you’ll figure it out. This is going to work out, I promise.”

“Geez.” Harry remarked as he pulled open the sliding glass doors. “Who died?” Teddy looked over and shot him daggers as he slowly walked towards the stairs. “Oh, last day blues,” he remembered. “The tour will go by faster than you think it will.”

“Yeah,” I tried my hardest to force a smile, but could tell my anxiety had already taken over.

“Hey dad.” Teddy called out, as Harry reached the halfway point of the stairs. “Can I talk to you real quick?”

“Teddy,” I grumbled, seeing an idea begin to bubble in his eyes.

He nervously laughed as he pushed me off of him. “What?” he shrugged. “I just have to ask my dad a question.” I sat up and shot him a cautious look, worried what the question might be. “Not everything is about you.” He teased with a smirk.

He quickly ushered his dad upstairs before I could say anything. I tried my hardest to hear what they were talking about, but they’d clearly moved far enough away from the basement door to prevent that. After about twenty minutes Teddy led both his parents down into the basement.

“Here.” Teddy offered, holding out a small wad of cash. “We want you to have this.”

“I-no.” I quickly rejected, moving away from his extended arm. “I’m not a charity, I didn’t tell you what was happening so you would give me money.”

“No one’s saying you did,” Teddy calmly comforted as though he’d expected this reaction. “But we want to see you play the rest of warped tour without having to worry about any type of debt.”

“I really can’t take this,” I refused, not sure how to react. “I-I can’t take your money, it’s not right.”

“Ryder,” Mrs. Haner began, taking the money out of her son’s hand, and sitting next to me. “If you can’t take it from Teddy, take it from me.” Once more I stared at the cash, but refused to take it. “I can respect the pride in your eyes. The fact that you don’t want anyone’s handouts, but that’s not what this is. This isn’t us doing anything out of pity. This is us believing in you.”

“I didn’t see any difference between Messiah and all the other bands yesterday,” Harry spoke up. “Not even the closing band. You have a gift, and we want to be a part of that.”

The second I slowly opened my hand I felt Mrs. Haner quickly stuff the cash into it. “I, I’ll pay this back the second I get home, I swear,”

“Ryder,” she laughed, watching me struggle with the concept. “This isn’t a loan. It’s an investment. We’re investing in you. There’s no reason to pay us back.” I gave her a confused look, not fully understanding why they would do this. They’ve only known me for a little over a month, how could they give me so much money? Because I’m dating their son? I just don’t understand.

“Alright,” Harry spoke up, opening a nearby cabinet and pulling a red case out of a shelf of C.D.s “Look at it this way then. We’re paying you to sign our copy of the E.P.”

“but I already signed Teddy’s, I-“

“ Ah. Ah.” Harry interrupted, trying his hardest to get me to stop talking. “I want a signed copy too.” With a trembling hand I took the sharpie from his hand and quickly signed the front of the C.D. “Worth every penny.” he remarked carefully placing it on the T.V. stand.

“Stop overthinking it,” Teddy giggled, as his mom and he switched places. “Is it so crazy to you that there are people out there who believe in you?” I shrugged my shoulders not sure how to respond “Well when you’re out there playing Madison Square Garden, don’t forget who your first fans were.”

“The garden fits over twenty thousand people, and only the biggest bands get to even step foot in it.” I finally spoke. “I, there’s no way I’d ever get to play it. Not even in my wildest dreams.”

“Then you dream too small.” Mrs. Haner encouraged, reaching out and ruffling my hair. “Come say goodbye before you leave, okay?”

“Okay.” I nodded, watching her turn and walk towards the stairs.

“Pregnancy is a weird thing.” Harry remarked, noticing the affectionate mood his wife was in.

“I heard that Harrison!” she yelled down the stairs. “You know, you aren’t the only person in this house that likes Ryder! And I’ll have you know that I’m not all that pregnant yet!”

“Teddy, if she gives birth to a girl, you’ll never be allowed to move out,” he gulped heading towards the stairs. “There’s no way I could survive a mini version of your mother alone!”

“What if it’s a boy and she,”

“No!” Harry exclaimed, reading his son’s thoughts. “If it’s another boy this one’s mine. She already got to mess with your mind with all that pop crap. My next son is going to be the biggest metal head ever, mark those words.”

“Would you stop talking about our future child like they’re some sort of item for you to project your,” Mrs. Haner began as Harry made his way up to the first floor.

Teddy slowly extended his arm around me and smiled. “I know you’re probably mad but I did,”

“I’m not mad.” I interrupted, still clutching the money in my hand. “I just, why?”

Teddy let out a small laugh as his smile grew wider. “We’ve answered that question literally a thousand times.” He giggled. “So for the last time, it’s because they both believe in you.”

“But two-hundred,”

“Ryder.” Teddy interrupted “My family,” he nervously laughed. “My mom’s a lawyer, we’ve-we can afford this. I mean, it’s not like we throw money at everyone who comes by.” He quickly clarified, trying his hardest not to come across as braggey. “Look, you didn’t take something we don’t have, and we’re not trying to treat you like charity. I love you, and I’m pretty sure they do too. If we don’t help who we love, what’s the point?”

A small smile began to creep across my face as his words clicked in my mind. This is the closest I’ve ever had to a true family. I’m safe here, I’m loved here, I’m wanted here. “I can’t believe I ever thought you were a jerk.”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked into my eyes. “It’s not like I didn’t give you a reason.” He sighed “But none of that matters anymore. All that matters is right now.” He comforted, pulling me in.

“Yeah.” I exhaled, resting my head right back on him.

“Hey,” Teddy let out, thinking something over. “How come you never hung out with all the goths?”

“They’re not called goths.” I corrected. “They’re, they’re, I don’t know, scene kids, and they just weren’t my speed.”

“Even when you had no one?”

“Even when I had none.” I confirmed in a sigh. Once more he began to think something over, sometimes I swear you could see the gears in his head turning. “You’re looking for a nice way to ask why?” I asked as he slowly nodded his head .“I’d rather be alone than with people who don’t understand me.”

“I don’t really understand you though.” He teased, landing another kiss.

“I guess there’s an exception to every rule.” I shrugged, looking up and kissing him on the lips. “How come I always have to lay on you?”

“Because you always look like you could use a hug.” He pestered in a light laugh.

I laid back and exhaled a deep breath. “You are pretty comfy.”

As I looked up into his deep brown eyes I couldn’t help but feel my anxiety jump. I’m really leaving him behind? I just got him, and yet I can feel life already pulling us apart. He’ll go to Princeton or Harvard, and I’ll hit the road, but we’ll figure it out. Won’t we? I mean couples do it all the time, why can’t we?

We spent the next few hours just talking. I don’t know when it happened, but I swear I could listen to him talk about anything. He’s just so smart and kind, it’s like somehow he’s managed to keep his naivety. So innocent and pure. I know I’ve heard Mike, Blake and Liz refer to something he’s done, but I just can picture it. Even when he’s fake, he’s still more genuine than most of the people I know.

I had no idea how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to him and his parents that evening. If I had any doubts about their intentions they made sure to make them crystal clear when I said goodbye. For the first time in my life I have people who expect something from me. People I don’t want to let down, people I can’t let down. After this tour nothing is going to be the same, and I’ll make sure it’s in a good way. I swear I will.