The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 39. Wish You Were Here

---Ryder---

The second my plane touched down I hit the ground running. It didn’t matter if Scottie could keep up or not, this, it’s my grandma. She’s the only person to have ever been there in my life. She would cross this country bare foot for me, through broken glass or spikes, she’d do anything to get to me if I needed her, and now she needs me. I won’t let her down. Not anymore.

“Sir! Slow down!” Scottie yelped trying desperately to keep up with me.

As I finally reached the front door a swarm of paparazzi hit me. “Ryder!” “Ryder!” “Why are you back in New Jersey?” “Does it have to do with your boyfriend?” “Does it have to do with the kiss?” “Is he breaking up with you?”

Before I could even say anything I felt my hand reach over and angrily swipe a camera out of my face and down to the ground. The crowd only seemed to grow tighter as they saw my fiery reaction. As Scottie finally caught up he ripped me out of the crowd and into a nearby Taxi. “I’ll go in a separate cab to throw them off. Just, go!”

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The cab ride to Teddy’s house felt like forever. It was like everything had frozen in place, like time just wasn’t moving anymore. When the cab pulled out front I quickly grabbed the only bag I had brought and rushed up to the front door, rapidly pounding away at it.

“Hey,” Teddy exhaled, pulling it open.

Red rings surrounded his eyes as though he’d been crying all night. “I-is everything okay?” I finally forced, as he reached out and pulled me into the house. “Where is she?” I shook my head. “I need to see her.” Teddy kept quiet as he led me into the living room where his parents had been sitting, both wearing the same expression as him. “Where is she?” I repeated, but deep down I already knew the answer.

“Ryder,” He finally spoke, as he sat me down on the couch. “Your grandma, sh-she, she passed away yesterday afternoon.”

I felt a rush of pain storm through me as my ears began to ring. That far too familiar feeling from when I was a kid washed over me. The pain I had known back then stormed down my defenses and ran me over as the room began to spin. The only thing I had left, the only family around, now she’s gone. “She’s gone?” I forced out in a whisper before finally the ringing and spinning took over. I don’t remember what the last thing I saw was, but suddenly everything turned to black.

When I woke back up, nothing was the same, it never would be. “Ryder!” Teddy let out in fear, desperately trying to get me to snap back into consciousness. “Ryder! Please wake up!” I gulped as I finally forced my eyes open and looked over at him. I quickly forced them away as I saw the pain pulsing through his eyes. He wouldn’t be in pain if he had never met me. He wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. Once more I’m a curse to everything I know, and everyone I love.

“Here, drink this.” Mrs. Haner instructed forcing water and some crackers into my hands. “You’ll be okay.” I looked down at the glass in my hand before finally forcing myself to drink it. “I promise you you’ll be okay.”

Teddy wrapped his arms around me as tears began to fall from his face, but me, I-I just couldn’t process any of it. The pain swarmed through my body, and yet my mind just couldn’t come to terms with it. “How?” I finally managed in a scared gulp.

Mrs. Haner looked to Teddy but then quickly to her husband as she realized he was too upset to answer the question. “She, she was struck by a car outside your house.” He explained through a hurt voice. “The coroner said he found signs of dementia, they um, they think she was lost and wandered out by accident.”

“So she was scared?” I shook my head as it finally began to think it over. “She spent her last few minutes terrified of everything around her.” I finally concluded. “She was a good person.” I shook my head as the pain grew stronger once more. “She didn’t deserve this. How is it fair?!” I let out, as Teddy pulled me down onto him.

“It’s not.” He tried to comfort as tears begin to flood both our eyes. “It’s not.”

His parents gave us some time to grieve until finally Mrs. Haner crouched down in front of me. “You’re not alone dear.” She exhaled, lightly grabbing my hand. “I promise you you’re not. You have us, and we, we’re here for you. You can stay here for as long as you need so that you don’t have to live alone.”

I nodded my head as she pulled me in for a hug, but knew I wouldn’t be staying for too long. I’m a curse. Everything around me, anyone who tries to get close, life destroys them. My grandma was a god damn saint, and this is how life treats her? This is what happens to her? It was because of me, I know it was. If-if my mother never had me my parents would still be alive, and so would she. It’s my fault. It always is. I won’t let that spread to this house too. I’ve caused enough pain for one lifetime, I won’t cause anymore.

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The coming days were damn near impossible. I felt waves of depression immobilize me as Teddy tried his hardest to take care of me, but even when I wasn’t depressed I was quiet. I have to force space between us. I can’t have him relying on me; it’ll only wind up killing him. I’ve lost my parents and my grandma. I’ll be damned before I let anything happen to him or his parents.

Blake and Liz tried their hardest to visit and comfort me, but just like with Teddy and his parents I was quiet. I just couldn’t find much to say. Couldn’t find the strength to speak, and even if I could, even if I wanted to. It wouldn’t be right to be friends with them anymore. I don’t care how much they say they love me. When something like this happens, when you’re as cursed as me, well you even put down your favorite dog once it attacks your kid.

Planning the funeral the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. They wanted two days for the wake and one for the funeral, but what’s the point? Who’s going to come? No one knows us. No one will come.

Yet as we walked into the funeral home and to the viewing room I couldn’t help but fall apart. There she was in the open casket, looking just as amazing as ever. “Grandma,” I let out, rushing to the casket and falling to my knees. “I love you! I love you! I’ve always loved you!” I forced out through hysterical tears. “I-I’m so sorry! I’m so so sorry! I’m sorry I let you down! I’m sorry I was difficult!” I shook my head, desperately wishing she could answer. “I’m sorry for all the nights I kept you up worrying! I’m sorry that when you needed me I left!” My head slammed down on a side of the coffin as tears fell heavier and heavier.

Life has been trying for so long, but now it’s finally won, it’s finally done it, it’s broken me. The pain I’m feeling, I-I can’t even describe me. There’s a level of pain that makes you want to end it all. Just stop living. And then there’s this. A pain so strong you don’t care anymore. A pain that just leaves you numb to everything around you.

“It’s okay.” Teddy tried to comfort as my cries only grew louder. “I’ve got you, I’m here.” He held me there as I cried for only God knows how long. Finally I managed enough strength to stand up and put myself into a nearby seat. “It’s not your fault.” Teddy tried to comfort, sitting next to me. “You couldn’t’ve stopped this. I, maybe if I would’ve visited that morning I could’ve,”

“No,” I forced out, shaking my head. “It’s not your fault.” I managed, trying my hardest to not let him shoulder any pain. “It’s mine.”

“How?” Teddy asked, trying his hardest to get me to look at him. “How could this be your fault?”

“I saw the signs and ignored them, I-I didn’t say anything.” I confessed. “I could tell something was wrong and didn’t do anything about it. This is my fault.”

“No Ryder, it’s not!” Teddy argued, trying his hardest to comfort me. “Even if you did say something, what were we going to do? Put her in a home? She would’ve hated that! She-She wasn’t even bad enough for assisted living. This, it’s not something that could have been stopped.”

“Whatever.” I shook my head as tears began to fall once more.

Nothing could stop the pain I was feeling. Nothing could alleviate it. It’s like my body is slowly dying from the inside out. Like everything is falling apart. Nothing felt like that more than when it was finally time for her funeral and I found myself up at the podium, trying my hardest to give a eulogy.

“If you knew my grandma, I,” I forced out but shook my head and ripped away the speech in front of me. “Who am I kidding? Almost no one knew my grandma. It was me and her my whole life, just us. She was the only person there for me.” I groaned, hardly able to look at the small crowd of people. “She picked me up after my mom died, and then again after my dad, and some of you,” I began looking out at Teddy’s family and the band. “You’re trying, but it-it’s not the same. There’s an emptiness in me now, one-one that no one can fill. I thought losing my parents was bad, but I, I didn’t know it could get worse.” I could feel whatever was left of my heart shatter as I looked at the coffin in the aisle of the church. “So many nights where I couldn’t sleep that I spent up with her. So many days I was sick where she fell asleep at my side. So many times when I was depressed that she wouldn’t leave me alone. No one will ever know how to take care of me the way she could. No one can.” I shook my head not able to manage anymore as I slowly walked from the podium.

Teddy tried his hardest to comfort me but I felt nothing. Everything, my whole system, it was shot. I couldn’t feel anymore. I just don’t know how.

When it finally came time to stand outside her grave; outside of my home. Well I, I refused to leave. “Come on,” Teddy exhaled as the Bobcat began to pour dirt into her grave. “Let’s go home.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I-I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here tonight.”

“Oh,” Teddy exhaled, giving me time to think it all over. “C-can I stay here with you? I-I don’t want you to be alone.” I nodded my head, more for his sake than my own.

Even after all the dirt was put in it was almost impossible to move myself from that spot. “Family’s all here.” I thought to myself looking across the three gravestones in front of me. I’m the only one remaining. The only one left. I’ll finish my life for them. I’ll make sure I drag out the last of the energy I have left to see it all for them.

“Come inside.” Teddy finally forced out as the sun fell on us. “My mom dropped us off some food.”

I nodded my head and following him, but this building in the middle of the cemetery, it no longer felt like home. Teddy tried his hardest to break through to me, but nothing worked. He could talk until he was blue in the face but I wasn’t budging.

“I’m leaving in the morning.” I finally announced, looking over to him then away. “I spoke to the guys and your uncle. We’re picking the tour back up from where we would’ve been by now.”

“Ryder,” he exhaled unsure of what to say. “A-are you sure that’s a good idea?”

I nodded my head, and found my eyes staring at the teakettle on the stove. “I can’t be here anymore. I need to be away for a while.”

“Oh.” He exhaled, thinking it over. “Can I still come visit for a few shows?” I nodded my head, but didn’t mean it. “Everything will be okay, I promise you it will.”

Not much more was said that night. Not much more could be said. My mind was blank from all the pain swimming around in it, blank from all the beatings I had taken in my life. That night when we lay down to sleep I found myself wide awake. Just like the nights before the pain was too strong to sleep, but I-I can’t take this anymore. I can’t keep feeling like this.

When I was sure that Teddy was asleep I cracked open my pill case and took a few more than I usually needed to. They’re here to make me feel better aren’t they? The doctor put me on them to fix me didn’t he?

Yet as the pain only grew stronger I found myself desperately searching through the house for a solution. Finally I managed to find a small bottle of wine in one of the cabinets. I’ve never liked wine, but whatever helps calm the pain, whatever helps make me feel better.

Before I knew it I was outside my house screaming at my father’s grave. Desperately trying to make sense of my life. “Why?!” I shouted once more as I heard a figure rushing down the porch steps. “Why did you leave us?! If you were here, if you were still here she would be okay! You left your own damn mother! You left us! I don’t care that you loved me, you,”

“Stop, stop,” Teddy hushed as he wrapped his arms around me. “stop,” he shook his head unsure of what else to say. He let out a long groan as he pried the empty bottle out of my hand and let it fall onto the ground.

“No! No!” I tried to fight off as I stared at his grave. “It’s not right! It’s not fair! Why me? Why?”

“I don’t know.” Teddy hushed, trying to figure out what I was on. “But it’s alright, you’re not alone in this.”

I shook my head, but he finally managed to force me back into the house and to the bathroom. “I’m not going to puke.” I forced out, but as we took a seat on that tile floor the world began to spin.

“Just in case.” Teddy tried to comfort. “I’m going to go get you water. Just stay here, okay?”

“Whatever.” I grumbled, but the second he left I began to violently puke.

Teddy let out a sigh as he returned to my head in the toilet bowl. “What did you drink?”

“Just wine.” I lied with a shake of my head.

“Why?” He asked, as panic began to set into his eyes.

“Because, because I need the pain to leave, just so I can sleep.” I managed out, not sure why I was opening myself back up to him.

“You have me.” He painfully forced out. “You could’ve woken me up, I would’ve stayed up with you.” I shook my head but didn’t say anything. “A week ago on the phone, we-we came clean with one another on everything. We promised that there would be no more secrets. Did you mean that?” He let out as tears began to fly.

“Yeah.” I confessed with a nod of my head.

“Then stop walling me off,” he pleaded, as his cries grew heavier. “Let me back in!”

My head fell against him as tears poured out of my eyes. “Everything hurts.” I finally confessed. “Everything. My head, my heart, my body. Everything.”

“Then let’s get you help,” He gulped, beginning to stroke my hair. “Let-let’s get you a doctor, and a- and,”

“No,” I interrupted with a shake of my head. “I need to tour again.”

“But Ryder that’s,”

“I just need to tour again.” I insisted, refusing to hear anything else. “If you love me you’ll let me do this!” I manipulated through tears. “If you love me, if you love me you’ll be there at the very end.”

“I will.” He quickly nodded, not fully understanding what I had meant by it. “You don’t know when you’ll be back, do you?”

The pain in his voice only made the guilt in my body grow stronger. “No.” I admitted with a shake of my head. “We’re extending the tour, and recording on the road. I just-I can’t be here anymore.”

“Oh.” He exhaled, as his tears began to fall faster.

“I’ll be back for you.” I promised, knowing no matter what that was the truth. “But if you want to move on,”

“I’ll never move on. I promise you I won’t.” He swore, staring deeply into my eyes.

An unnerving silence filled the air as all that was needed to be said was said. I wish there was a calm to it all. A happy ending, but there won’t be, not to my story. Never to my story. That night I sat awake on the bathroom floor while Teddy slept on my arm. I can’t do this to him. He deserves happiness, he deserves a family that loves him, and I-I can’t offer that to him. Everything I touch turns to shit and if we stay together, well one day that will catch up to him.

I had to keep reminding myself of that as we said goodbye the next morning. I love him so god damn much, I know that will never change, but I-I can’t be selfish. I was selfish with my grandma, and look where that got her. I looked at him one last time as I climbed into the cab Brandon was waiting in. Goodbye Teddy Haner. I pray that somehow, someway we see each other again.

“I’m breaking up with him.” I exhaled as we pulled out of the gravel driveway.

“Are you crazy?” Brandon shouted looking at the pain in my eyes. “He was there for you every single second! I-I can’t watch you do this to yourself!”

“I’m not asking you to.” I shook my head. “I’ll find another bassist if I have to.”

He grew quiet for a few seconds before staring at me. “Don’t do this, you-you’ll never find love like him again. He’s your soul mate, he’s your perfect match.”

“I know.” I nodded through grief. “That’s why I’m doing this. I’ll never try and find someone else. I’ll never stop loving him, but I, I have to know he’s safe from me.”

Brandon gave me a concerned look, not understanding what I meant. “Well he’s never going to let you!” Brandon pouted. “He’ll chase you down.”

“No he won’t.” I groaned, thinking my plan over. “I’m going to shatter his heart.” I admitted, looking in the rearview mirror. I’m sorry Teddy, but one day you’ll thank me for this. One day you’ll realize I’m saving you.