The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 17. Reality Check

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It’s amazing how just one hug could captivate so many people. Staring, whispering, conspiring. What kind of world do we live in when one hug draws more attention than a punch? I mean, I get it, no one really expects me to give Ryder any type of attention, let alone a hug, and we are the only known gay kids in school, but still, you’d think we were what everyone came to see.

I could see Ryder fidgeting uncomfortably as we walked back towards Liz and Blake. To think in two weeks, he’ll be playing in front of a few hundred people, but he can’t even handle about forty people staring at him from the bleachers.

Liz flashed him a disappointed look as we finally reached them. She went to say something, but thought twice before opening her mouth. I could tell the whole situation wasn’t sitting right with her. As he took his seat she whispered something in his ear, causing him to shrug his shoulders. Finally, my eyes connected with her and I couldn’t help but flash her an annoyed look. “Relax,” she instructed, enjoying how much she was getting under my skin. “I thought you wanted us all to be friends.”

“I do,” I grunted, starting to pout. Am I jealous over Ryder and Liz growing close? Maybe. It took me weeks before he could trust me the way he’s starting to trust her. Why? How did they connected so fast? And why is it bothering me so much?

Ryder’s hand lightly grazed mine as he read the look on my face. “Teddy, are you actually getting…”

“What?” I interrupted, playing it off like I was staring into space. Ryder’s hand slightly moved away as he watched me throw another mask on. “I’m fine.” I shook my head. “Just thinking about The Barn tonight.”

Ryder made a face, trying hard to figure out what was bothering me. Before he could, a faceless voice in the crowd called my name. “Can you come here for a minute?”

I shrugged and looked towards Ryder who let out a deep breath but gave me an approving nod. It turns out the kid calling me didn’t need much. Just a question about when the next lacrosse game was. However, from him I started bouncing around the crowd from person to person. From casual conversation, to talking about colleges. As much as I would love to say I was annoyed, I don’t think I’ll ever hate the popularity. Well, as long as it stays positive.

“Nice of you to join us,” Blake mocked, as I finally rejoined them a full four innings later.

“Sorry.” I shrugged. “You know how it can get, I haven’t actually been in the crowd at a school event since we got out. People just want to say hi.”

“And they can’t come over here to do that?” Blake provoked, seeing what kind of reaction he could get.

“I didn’t want them crowding us.” I shrugged, quickly thinking of an excuse. “I know Ryder doesn’t like that, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

“Sure,” Blake dismissed as Ryder happily accepted my excuse as real.

“He’s just mad because you had Liz’s attention,” I jokingly whispered to Ryder. Ryder nodded his head, fully agreeing with my analysis of the situation.

“You’re so childish sometimes.” Blake rolled his eyes, not even wanting to know what I whispered.

“What?” I defended, staring off at the game in front of us. “I just had to tell Ryder something about tonight.”

“Like what?” Blake inquired. He stopped me from answering with a raised finger as I went to open my mouth. “From Ryder.”

“It’s not really your business,” Ryder let out, looking over at him. “But he wanted to know if I was still feeling up to it.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Blake snuffed out, looking towards Liz.

“Believe what you want, but its’ the truth.” Ryder shrugged. “He was worried I’m too stressed out and anxious for tonight.” His gaze shifted over to me as he spoke. “But I’m fine. I actually need a day like today.” Blake gave Liz a skeptical look, but I could tell she was buying what Ryder was selling. “Teddy’s actually really considerate of how I’m feeling.” I lightly placed my hand over his as I started to feel guilty that I hadn’t actually asked him that. I should be thinking about his limits and if I’m pushing him too far. “You are,” Ryder assured me as if he could read the doubts in my head.

“Aww, our little boy is growing up,” Liz mocked, giving Blake a friendly shove. He raised his eyebrows but I could tell he still wasn’t happy.

“Are we cool?” I asked, looking over at him. I’m not sure what’s going on with him, but something’s not adding up today.

“Yeah.” Blake nodded, thinking something over in his head. Liz opened her eyes wide as our stares connected. She pretended to stretch, and raised her phone high in the air, pointing out the date to me.

“Oh!” I involuntarily let out. “Sorry man, I forgot that…”

“It is what it is,” Blake interrupted. “I should be used to it by now.”

“It’s cool if you’re not.” I attempted to comfort him as Ryder tried to piece together what we were talking about. “No one blames you for it.”

“I still don’t get why I only get to see him once a month.” Blake mumbled, staring off at the field. “Plus, he was busy Saturday, so we only really got one day together.” I couldn’t help but sigh at his words. It’s hard for me not to catch his pain when he’s this upset.

Liz nudged Blake in an attempt to get him to include Ryder on the hidden topic. “This past weekend was supposed to be my weekend with my dad, but we barely got to spend time together.” Blake explained in a quiet voice. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

Ryder nodded his head, as though he had already been told about the situation. “I remember you talking about that during the school year,” he supported. “If you ask me, no one can tell you when you can or can’t see family.”

“I wish it was that simple,” Blake let out. “But if my mom hears I saw my dad when I’m not supposed to, he’ll lose whatever custody he has left.”

“Then lie, beg, steal, do whatever you have to do to see your dad,” Ryder said, not fully understanding how complicated the situation was. “You’re lucky to still have him in your life. Your mom’s foolish if she doesn’t understand that.”

I held my breath knowing how sensitive Blake can be about the topic, but had to hide my smile as Blake nodded his head. “I know,” he agreed. “But she just doesn’t understand. To her, he’ll always be the villain.”

“Talk to her,” Ryder advised as doubt dripped into Blake’s face. “I know you don’t want to, but tell her that it doesn’t matter what she thinks. That’s your dad and you’re almost 18. You deserve a say in it. You’re old enough.”

“And if she doesn’t listen?” he asked, still not daring to look our way.

“Then at least you can say you did something about it,” Ryder confidently advised. “It’s a hell of a lot better than saying you just stood by and watched.” Blake nodded his head but declined to speak. I’m not sure what this side of Ryder is, but it’s something special. It’s a part of him that draws from his own pain and offers it to others so they can learn. It’s being a leader. It’s the man he’ll grow into, the one who will take music by storm and save countless teenagers from themselves.

My hand fully wrapped around his, as if it was moving on its own. Liz peered back over to me and shot me a look I didn’t quite understand. “Teddy, can we talk for a second?” she asked, keeping her gaze.

“Sure,” I skeptically accepted, standing up and slowly climbing down from the bleachers. I guess she wants to give Blake and Ryder time alone to talk about the situation. She led us back behind the metal seating and stopped where she figured we wouldn’t be seen. “What’s up?” I asked, leaning against the metal rails.

Before I could figure out what she was doing, she pulled her arm back and caught me across the face with a heavy open palm. “That’s for being a douchebag to Ryder,” she hissed, as frustration showed on her face.

“What did I do?” I gasped, trying to recollect my thoughts as another lighter slap caught me on the side of the head. “Liz!” I yelped, putting my hands up to my head. “What the hell are you doing?”

“What did you do?” she repeated, surprised I would even ask such a thing. “You keep telling him you’re going to stand up for him, but have you done it yet?” I kept quiet, knowing to just let her ride out her anger. “No!” she shouted, going for another slap but catching herself. “Then you leave him alone for almost half the damn game!”

“He wasn’t alone,” I corrected, worried another slap would be coming my way. “He was with you and Blake.”

“He didn’t come to the game to be with me and Blake,” she reprimanded. “He came to be with you, but you’re too much of an ass to accept that! I’m so sick of you lately! You’re acting like an absolute jerk!”

“What?” I was caught off guard by her anger. “What have I done?”

“You keep making promises you can’t keep,” she explained, giving me a shove. “Where’s the old Teddy? The one that meant what he said. All this year you’ve been making all these promises but only keeping the ones that benefit yourself and that isn’t you!” I caught her arms as she went to shove me again, trying my hardest to deescalate the situation. “I don’t know if you’ve been spending too much time with Mike or the lacrosse team or what, but this needs to end. I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”

“Liz, I’ll be okay,” I comforted, making sure not to grab onto her arms too tightly.

“Will you?” she accused doubtfully, breaking free of my grasp. “You have the best boyfriend you’ve ever had, but you act like you’re embarrassed of him. Did you just hear what he said to Blake?” She stared intensely in my eyes. “Did you hear how sweet and caring he is? How good his advice was? But you’ll let that all fall away because you’d rather have hundreds of people you don’t know worshiping you.”

“Okay, but…”

“And don’t you dare say that’s what Ryder’s chasing,” she warned. “Like he said, he’s not looking for popularity, he’s looking to make a difference.”

“I’ve always said that. I didn’t get where I am just to…”

“But he means it,” she interrupted, starting to back up. “I’m so disappointed in you Teddy. Keep acting like you are, and you’ll lose a lot more than just Ryder.”

I slowly followed behind her, trying my hardest to hide my emotions from showing on my face. I don’t know what pushed her over the edge. Maybe it was having Blake hit Kyle in front of everyone. Maybe it’s that I didn’t stand up for Ryder. Maybe it’s out of fear I’ll hurt her new friend. Or maybe Ryder asked her to say something. No matter what it was, she really is mad at me, and I’m starting to think I deserved every second of that.

I tried to hide how I was feeling the rest of the game, but I could tell Ryder was onto me. He wanted to ask, but wasn’t sure how. I just hope he wasn’t blaming himself for anything that was happening.

“Hey Teddy!” Mike called out as the game finished, and we all made our way towards the exit. “I’m thinking of having people over tonight, and…”

“I can’t,” I interrupted with a shrug. “I’ve already got plans.”

“Oh, come on,” he protested. “We never get to chill anymore. Can’t you make an exception?”

“Sorry man,” I let out still walking away. “Maybe another day.”

“Yeah.” Mike’s voice drifted off. “Another day.”

“Sorry,” I whispered to Liz as her and Blake got closer to his car. “I’ll work on everything.”

“You better,” she instructed, not even bothering to slow down or turn around.

Ryder’s eyes fell on me as they began to pull away “Sorry,” he began, not sure what to say. “I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s nothing you did,” I comforted him, knowing how bad it could be when Ryder starts to blame himself. “I deserved it. I need to start backing up my words. I guess I started losing myself for a bit is all.” I exhaled, not sure what else to say.

“You want to do something special for me tonight, right?” he asked, trying his hardest to keep eye contact with me. I slowly nodded my head, noticing that he had to fight his anxiety just to keep his eyes on mine. “Then be the real Teddy tonight. Leave the you who was at the baseball game behind. No one from our school will be there. It’ll just be you and me.”

I took a deep breath and nodded my head, understanding what he was saying. “Okay,” I agreed.” I’ll pick you up around six.”

“Sounds good.” He forced a smiled as he opened his car door. “Don’t think about it all too much,” he comforted, trying his hardest to make me feel better. “We’ll figure it out.” I nodded my head once more, proud of how strong he was being today.

The afternoon flew by fast. I spent most of it thinking about myself, and who I was becoming. About what I want, and who I want to become. I’ve never liked anyone the way I like Ryder, and I’m throwing that all away for what? Who benefits from my popularity? Me? Why? Because I get to talk to people who I don’t even know? It needs to change. Something needs to break and I refuse to let it be Ryder.

I stopped in the mirror on the way out and took a long look at myself. I looked deep into my brown eyes and sighed. How bad have I been that Liz needed to pull me aside and nearly beat me up?

“Dad,” I called out, quickly walking out of the bathroom and into the living room. “Have I been acting different lately?”

My mom looked towards my dad, unsure if he should be the one to handle the question. “You’re growing up,” my Dad began. “And with that, people change. I can’t really say that I’ve seen you act much different than you did last year, but you’re more independent and um…” He continued, looking to my mom for help.

“Come here.” My mom took over, reaching over for me. As I approached her, she grabbed my side and pulled me in. “Teddy, you’ve known who you are since you were three years old.” She smiled, fixing my hair with her spare hand. “You’ve always known you want to be a doctor. You’ve always known you want to play lacrosse. You’ve always known you want to help people. Hell, at eight years old you knew yourself well enough to come out as gay.” She smiled encouragingly. “If you’ve been acting different, it’s because you know what you want, and you’re trying to get it.” I unwillingly let out a sigh as her words connected with me. “You don’t like the way you’ve been acting lately?” she asked, picking up on my body language.

“My words and my actions haven’t exactly lined up lately.” I exhaled, nervously biting on the inside of my lip.

“That’s okay,” my mom comforted, gently rubbing my back. “Start practicing what you preach. If you’re saying it, it’s what you want and you should always go after what you want,” she explained, nodding her head.

“Well within reason.” My dad tried to weigh in, but my mom shot him a death stare. They’ve always disagreed on the life lessons they want to teach me. It’s not like my mom wants me to be ruthless or anything, she’s just worried my dad is going to make me a big pushover. In the end, they just want me to chase my dreams and not let anything get in my way.

“Always chase what you want in life, understood?” I nodded my head, as she gave the conversation to my dad.

“Where are you headed tonight anyway?” He smiled. “Got a hot date?”

I shrugged my shoulders as I felt a blush begin on my face. “No one crazy.”

My dad made a face and looked towards my mom. “Oh yeah?” he asked. “What’s his name?”

“It’s no one new.” I shook my head. “Just Ryder.”

At first, I saw excitement grow on his face. Suddenly an unexpected nervousness came over him. “That’s great!” he encouraged. “Chasing after your own rockstar.”

“What’s that face for?” I asked, worried about what was on his mind.

“What face?” he asked, trying his best to hide it. “I’m happy for you. You know how much I like Ryder. It’s…it’s really awesome…”

“Harry!” my mom groaned, cutting him off before he could continue to ramble. “We’ve talked about this, Teddy can read…”

“I can’t just change my reaction to things,” my dad interrupted, not sure how to escape the trap he set for himself.

“You spoke about this? Gee, thanks,” I mumbled, as my eyes fell down.

“You’re an observant kid, we’ve been talking about it since you were five,” my mom defended. “What were we supposed to do? Let you figure out Santa wasn’t real because your father has a bad poker face?”

“So, then what is it?” I exhaled, looking at my dad, nervous about what he might say.

“Santa isn’t real?” he teased, hoping it would give him a way out of the conversation. I threw my head back and groaned at his little games. “Alright, alright, it’s nothing, really.” he lied, trying to cover his tracks. “Like I said, I really like Ryder.”

“Well don’t lie to him,” my mom reprimanded. “He’s going to find out eventually.”

I felt my heart beat faster as he nervously looked from her to me. “It’s just, Ryder’s going to be famous, I have no doubt in my mind. And that…it can be really hard to be a part of that.” He looked to his wife for a way out but she shook her head, forcing him to share what was on his mind. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt by his crazy schedule. Or by the lack of privacy. Or who he may become.” He hesitated for a second before thinking it over. “And even then, if you can make it past all that, he’s got a heavy past. Whoever he winds up with…he’s got a long road ahead of him.” I could tell he didn’t mean any of it in a bad way. He meant it out of concern for my future.

I took a deep breath, knowing the last part of what he said. I know a lot of our future together will be spent trying to help him. I know his mental health will always be something we have to deal with; but I’ve never been worried about it. In a lot of ways, I kind of just accepted it. “What do you mean ‘who he may become?’” I asked, thinking about the only part of his statement that confused me.

“I, it’s…” he stumbled, trying to phrase it the best way he could. “Once you get a taste of the spotlight, it’s hard to let it go.”

“But Ryder’s not like that!” I tried to defend, not knowing what else to do.

“He’s never been the main focus. He’s never had everyone like him.” My dad sighed. “It may be hard for him to let that go.” I grew quiet, thinking about how hard it’s been for me to even consider giving up my popularity for him; but pretty soon I’m going to expect him to do the same for me? I better pray he’s better at keeping his word than me. “I’m not trying to discourage you. I mean, it’s your first date. It’s not like you’re engaged to him. Just, keep your wits about you.”

“I will.” I nodded as I forced a smile. “I trust him and I’m not scared to be there with him. He’s not in this for the fame,” I let out, remembering his words. “He’ll be just as happy one on one as he will be on a stage.”

My dad smiled as he began to nod his head. “I really hope so, because if my future son in law is a…”

“Harry!” my mom yelped, trying to shut him up.

“What?” he defended in a laugh. “I like the kid, if they can make it work then I’m all for it.”

“He knows that!” My mom sighed, not sure if they were helping or hurting. “I…Teddy, it’s getting late, isn’t it?”

“Alright I’m going.” I giggled. Watching them figure out how to parent always amused me. They’ve always talk about having another child, but they’ve said they wanted to figure it out with me first. Yet if you ask me, they’ve got it figured out better than most people. Even if they mess up or say too much, they don’t really hide things from me. They keep me in the loop and let me feel like I have a choice, even if I don’t.

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I began to calm down the closer I got to Ryder’s house. Something about talking with my parents just seemed to hit me in the right way. Sure, my dad has his doubts, but they’re stuff I’ve already spoken to Ryder about. True, he’s never had popularity. True, it’s been hard for me to give up. But he’s not me and that’s exactly what I like about him. I don’t know what he’s going to do or say next; and for better or worse, I get the feeling I’ll always be chasing that next step.

As I pulled up the dirt road and onto the gravel driveway, I saw a scrawny figure leave the rickety old home. For the first time since I’ve met him, he wasn’t wearing a band shirt and skinny jeans. Instead, he had on nice tight black pants, with a button up flannel shirt. He must not have nice shoes because he was still rocking the normal skater shoes he always wears. “No beanie?” I teased, as he opened the passenger’s side door. He ran his hand up to fix his hair and I could tell that was an actual debate he had with himself. “So predictable.” I teased, giving him a light elbow.

“Sorry, I know it’s not as unique as vineyard vines and boat shoes,” he shot back. To my surprise, he leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

“Someone’s already over this afternoon.” I giggled throwing the car into reverse and slowly pulling out.

“Over is a strong word.” He shrugged. “I just have a lot of faith that that I’m getting the real Teddy tonight.”

“Why’s that?” I asked, glancing his way.

“I was texting Liz before and she told me what happened,” he provided as a smile spread across his face.

“You mean when she attacked me?” I blushed, a bit embarrassed that she told Ryder about the small assault.

“Aww are you hurt?” Ryder sarcastically let out.

“Not funny.” I smiled. “She looks small but she can do some serious damage! Have you ever even been slapped before?”

“No, because I’m not a douchebag.” He teased me with a grin.

“Ouch!” I laughed. “That’s like the fourth time today you’ve called me a douchebag.”

“If the boot fits.” He shrugged, as we pulled up to the quiet restaurant. “Oh please!” He exhaled as he caught my look. “I don’t actually think you’re a douchebag. Well, sometimes you can be,” he confessed. “But that’s only when you’re being fake.”

“Fair enough.” I shrugged, ready to move past the topic.

“Ryder!” A voice shouted as we entered the large barn. “I didn’t think you’d be back here anytime soon.”

“Why not?” Ryder asked, trying his hardest to seem friendly. “I like the food. I’m just onto other music projects now is all.”

“Jack Johnson,” the man introduced himself, shaking my hand.

“Teddy Haner,” I let out, not sure who I was talking to.

“You’re onto better music projects!” the man encouraged. “I always knew you would move on from us, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.”

“I um,” Ryder began, not sure what to say.

“It’s okay. Just don’t forget where you used to play.” The man winked, before turning towards the hostess. “See them to a table. Dinner’s on the house.”

“Oh, no,” Ryder began, clearly uncomfortable by the favor.

“It’s cool.” The man nodded. “Besides, I owe you. Think of it as payment for all those nights you packed this place.”

“Thank you.” Ryder nodded, still put off by the kind gesture.

“You’re headed for big things Ryder.” The man encouraged him as he began to walk away. “It was a pleasure to have you play here.”

“Wow!” I began to tease as we followed the hostess.

“Stop.” Ryder grunted, knowing what was coming next.

“I didn’t know I was out to dinner with a celebrity.” I mocked with a smile. “I mean, free dinner already! Man, what’s going to happen after you play Warped Tour?”

“Stop!” he repeated, starting to grow serious.

“Alright, alright.” I backed off. “It’s okay to accept favors Ry.”

“Especially when you’ve earned them,” the hostess added as we finally reached our table. “You’ve pushed this place to capacity for nearly a year. Jack, the wait staff, me, we all owe you for that. People used to fight over the Friday night shift,” she explained, trying to help him ease into the idea of free dinner. “It hasn’t been the same since you left.”

“Thank you, Kelly.” He nodded once more. To think, my dad’s worried about a kid who can’t even accept dinner for free without being awkward getting corrupted by fame. I think he’s more likely to reject it than fall headfirst into it.

She gave him a flirty wink before heading back to her podium. “Ohhhh!” I provoked, looking over at him. “Looks like I’ve got some competition.”

“Are you going to be like this all night?” He groaned, staring right into my eyes.

“This is the real me.” I shrugged. “Unless you’d prefer the fake…”

“No!” Ryder quickly spit out. “The real you is fine.”

I felt my smile fade as our joking around grew a little too serious. “Before, when I didn’t…”

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Ryder dismissed my attempted apology as his eyes drifted.

“I want to, and I know that you do too.” I forced out a breath, knowing it’d be better to talk about the pink elephant in the room. “When I didn’t defend you, it’s not because I didn’t want to,” I began, unsure how to explain it. “I was trying to, but I froze and I don’t know why. I’ve never froze before. It was like I couldn’t even form words. I’m not trying to make an excuse or say it was okay. It just kind of happened,” I explained as he refused eye contact. “I know it probably made you feel like shit and it’s something that will keep you up tonight; but you have to trust me when I say, I really like you.

“I do.” He spoke up, finally looking at me. “But I can’t be with someone who’s embarrassed of me. It’d…I just can’t do that to myself.” I nodded, unsure of what he was going to say next. “Don’t make me end this.”

“I won’t.” I comforted him in confidence. I can’t lose Ryder. I’m done chasing the popular kids. Like Liz said, look where it’s gotten me. Heartbroken and forcing friends to do my dirty work. “Remember when we first met?”

“Like in Kindergarten? Or when I yelled at you in the hallway a few weeks ago?” he asked, lightly tilting his head.

“When you yelled at me.” I smiled. “You yelled at me a lot when we first met. Did you ever think we’d wind up here?”

“No,” he laughed, looking around. “I never thought I’d be taking Teddy Haner out to dinner. I never thought I’d want to.”

“Oh, come on,” I pestered. “All these years in school together and you never once stared a little longer than you should’ve. I know I stared at you once or twice.”

A small blush formed on his face as he thought over my confession. “Only like once or twice. But I mean, we’re the only two openly gay kids at school, so I just thought you were the only option. Not that you’re a bad option,” he rambled, hoping not to offend me. “I just…I thought you were a lot more of a dick than you are.”

“Gee thanks!” I giggled, understanding what he was trying to say.

“No! I didn’t mean it like…”

“I get it.” I interrupted him trying to save him the pain of having to clarify. “I don’t think I like current Teddy that much either.”

“Then why act the way you do?” he asked, not able to relate at all to what I’ve done.

I shrugged as I tried to put the words to my actions “It’s like, over these past few years, it’s taken more and more to keep myself at the top. I’ve always had to up the ante on everything I’ve done. This year it just took a lot of faking and pretending like I know exactly what I’m doing one hundred percent of the time. I had to seem perfect, because if I wasn’t, then who would be? It’s like they expected it from me, and I couldn’t let them down.”

“Why not?” Ryder asked, keeping his eyes locked onto mine.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I guess I’m just scared.”

“Of?”

“Being alone,” I admitted, showing him more vulnerability than I ever have before. “Who wants to lose all their friends? Plus, it would’ve cost me the school presidency and lacrosse captaincy.” I shook my head and looked at him. “I know it’s shallow, but it just felt, well, scary.”

“I get it,” he accepted. “But you know Liz and Blake will never leave you, even if you’re no longer the head of the school.”

“They’re popular too,” I let out. “It just felt like they’d be forced to choose between it and me, and I didn’t want to do that to them. Even if it meant I had to be an ass.”

“And what about now?” he asked, trying his hardest to get a good understanding while he still could.

“Things are different. I have you.” I smiled. “And now I know Liz and Blake would rather be unpopular with me, than have me be a jerk. I guess now I know I won’t be alone,” I realized, with a shrug of my shoulders. “Why haven’t we had this conversation before?”

“I’ve been trying to have it.” He laughed quietly, relieved by the answers he got. “But I can never get you to be real with me.”

“That’s not true,” I defended. “I’m real with you more than anyone else.”

“Yeah but I want you to always be real with me. How about this?” he began. “You be real with me and I’ll try to do all the stuff you want me to do.”

“Even coming to a party?” I tested, seeing how far he was willing to go.

He took a deep breath and thought it over. “If you promise you’ll be real there.” He sighed. I could tell the idea scared him. I know that if he comes and I don’t stand up for him, that it is over for us. He’s putting his trust in me. That’s something I can’t take advantage of.

“I will be.” I nodded, as a wide smile grew across my face.

“If you’re not…”

“It’s over,” I finished for him. “I know.”

“You better,” he warned, but I could tell it was the last thing he wanted to do. “Wait!” He hesitated before continuing. “That day in the hallway, did you already have a crush on me?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, I thought you were cute. But I didn’t have a crush on you until my party.”

“Why?” he asked, still not believing he deserved me. “I’ve seen your ex. He’s so much better looking than…”

“No, he’s not!” I shut him down before he could finish the sentence. “You have to stop saying that. You’re hands down the best-looking guy I’ve ever dated. You’re cute, but hot, and that’s just the beginning.“ I exhaled, looking at him. “You’re interesting, and I don’t understand you. I can predict everyone but you. Sometimes I know what you’re going to do; but other times you catch me completely off guard. I…I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone that matches up with me the way you do. I hope I never have to.”

“I…“ he began, not sure what to say. He thought for another second before letting out a deep breath.

“Like I said, I don’t deserve you,” I let out, enjoying the look on his face.

“You’re going to make a great lawyer,” he teased, trying his hardest to hide the blush on his face.

“I don’t want to be a lawyer.” I shrugged. “Or a politician,” I added, knowing the top two things people assume I want to do with my life. “I want to be a doctor.”

“What?” Ryder asked, caught off-guard once again.

“Mmhmm.” I nodded. “I want to be a surgeon in the ICU. I want my life to mean something; for someone to look at me and tell me I helped save them.”

“I would’ve never guessed that.” He shook his head. “That’s like, you can handle all the blood and gore?”

“I don’t know.” I smiled back at him. “But if I can’t, I’ll find a way to make myself. I can’t see myself doing anything else.” He thought it over for a second, still surprised at his latest discovery. “What about you? If there was no music, what would you want to do?”

Once more he shook his head, unable to think of anything to say. “I don’t think I’d be alive. If there was no music, what’d be the point of anything? Music is like…it’s like the way my brain makes sense of the thoughts within it. I don’t think I’d be able to cope with those thoughts without music,” he confessed. “A world without music is the worst hell I can ever imagine.”

“So, what? You’ve had music pumped into your ears since you were born?” I asked, with a slight tilt of my head.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’ve been around music since the day I was born. I could sing before I could talk properly. Words have always…” he trailed off in doubt, but when his eyes met mine, he found himself again. “They’re like a poem to me. I just feel the rhythms and syllables. It all just makes sense to me. Its hard to explain properly.”

“I’ll never understand that.” I shook my head. “The way you talk about music, it’s like it’s a language to you.”

“Just think of your favorite artist and imagine getting lost in their music. That moment when you can just feel the music. When you feel the chorus hit and you know that this is the greatest thing you’ve ever heard,” he explained as passion began to light in his eyes. “That’s what music feels like to me. It’s why I’ll always be obsessed with it. I’ll always chase it, no matter where it leads.”

“It’s going to an amazing place,” I encouraged, but saw hesitation in him. “It is! I’ve never seen anyone talk with more conviction and passion than the way you do when you talk about music. And then on top of that, you have an E.P. deal and an upcoming tour. Whether you see it or not, you’re going somewhere special.”

He nodded his head and took another breath “Can you teach me?”

“Teach you what?” I asked, as his eyes fell away from mine.

“How to talk to crowds and be a leader,” he forced out, clearly uncomfortable by the topic. “I need to learn how to motivate people. I was talking to your dad and he said I’ll become a role model. Then Liz was telling me I’m strong, but I don’t know,” he hesitated, letting his words flow out. “I don’t see it.”

“You don’t have to.” I shrugged. “The strength isn’t for you, it’s for everyone around you. The first thing people will do is lean on you. Let them. Even when you don’t want to. Even when you want to scream at the top of your lungs, act like you’re okay,” I explained. “It’s all just an act.”

“Okay, but it can’t all be an act. Some of it must be…” He began, pressing for more information.

“Trust me, it’s all an act,” I interrupted. “Sure, I enjoy attention and talking to people, but that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous when I do it. I faked it until I got comfortable with it. Instead of giving speeches, you’ll have to sing to people. But the only thing you can do to get comfortable with it is to do it.” I took a breath and smiled at him. “And from what I can tell, you’re already there.”

“But what about giving people advice?” he asked, clearly bothered by what his role as a musician would become. “You help people all the time, how do you know what to say?”

“When you’re writing songs, how do you know what to write that will help others?” I returned, but he kept silent. “You just draw from what you know and try to mold it to their problem. I don’t know what it’s like to be up on stage singing, but I know what it’s like to be up there giving speeches. All I can do is tell you how I do it. Maybe it’s the worst advice ever, but it’s the advice I can give.” I shrugged. “You can only do so much Ryder. If you become a leader, then live in a way all those kids can follow. Be healthy, be happy, sing your heart out. Show them that they can do that too. Everything else will follow.”

“But how do you know that?” he inquired, finally reconnecting his eyes with mine.

“I don’t.” I laughed. “But it’s the best I’ve got. The way I see it, there’s so much shitty stuff out there that even if I screw up, as long as it’s in a good way, then I’m fine. Besides, from what I can tell with how you handled Blake, I think you know more than you realize.” He uneasily tapped his fingers against the table as his anxiety began to take over. “I wish there was something I could tell you that would get rid of all your worries.” I sighed. “But only you know the road you’re about to head down. If it helps, I’ll be by your side the whole time.”

His hand softly reached across the table and grabbed mine. He kept his silence for a little bit longer, but I could tell it meant a lot to him. The rest of dinner lightened up once Ryder started talking again. It’s still amazing to me how everyone at school can’t see him the way I do. How can they not see this amazingly creative person underneath? A person who’s so full of life. All they see is their scapegoat. Someone they can laugh at and make fun of to make themselves feel better. They’ll regret it someday, he’s going to make it big and make every single one of them regret the way they treated him.

During the ride back to his house, I couldn’t help but stare at him every chance I got. Sometimes he just seems so peaceful that it’s easy to forget the internal war that rages in his head.

“Freakin’ potheads,” he muttered as we pulled up the thin dirt road.

“What?” I asked, not sure if I heard him right.

“Sniff the air.” He grunted, looking around to see if he could spot anyone. I took in a big breath and noticed the distinct smell of weed as it flowed through the air.

“That sucks man,” I let out, not sure what this meant for him.

“Alright, I better walk the grounds and chase anyone off before my grandma wakes up,” he muttered “So I guess…”

“What?” I interrupted him. “You’re not walking around in the dark alone.”

“I’ve done it a million times,” he insisted, climbing out of the car to escape further explanation.

“Well this time you’re doing it with me,” I quickly decided, jumping out to join him. “So are there like spotlights you turn on or anything?”

He let out a short laugh before turning and giving me a weird look. “This is a cemetery Teddy,” he explained, reaching into a nearby shed and pulling out a flashlight. “There’s nothing here but you and the dead.”

“That’s not funny.” I shook, as my headlights turned off, engulfing us in darkness.

“Aww are you scared?” he teased, flicking on the small flashlight.

“No!” I lied, trying my hardest to stay calm.

“Look at it this way, the living can hurt you a lot more than the dead can.” He shrugged, beginning to walk into the darkness.

“Slow down!” I ran to catch up with him. “How is this so normal for you?”

“I do it every night,” he explained, slowly waiving the flashlight from the left to the right. “And I’ve lived here since I was five. Like I said, what are the dead going to do that’s so bad?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “Ghosts are pretty scary.”

“Grow up!” He sighed, trying his hardest to spot where the odor was coming from. “I mean sure, you see some stuff move, but they won’t actually hurt you.”

“That better be a joke Ryder Sullivan,” I reprimanded, clearly starting to grow scared. There was nothing surrounding us but darkness and gravestones as we walked through a small dirt path.

“Take it how you want.” He smiled, finally looking over to me. Suddenly we heard movement zoom past us and towards the gate “That’s right!” Ryder yelled, flashing the light on their backs “You better fucking run! This isn’t your mother’s basement! Next time I’m calling the cops!” He angrily shook his head and kept walking, clearly distraught by people smoking in his cemetery.

“Where are you going now?” I protested in a worried voice.

“Relax.” He sighed again. “You’re with me, nothing’s going to hurt you. See?” He reached into his shirt and pulled out a small metal cross dangling on a chain.

“You’re religious?” I asked, caught off guard by the necklace he wore.

“I believe in what I have to,” he mumbled, quickly placing it back into his shirt. “Besides, I need to walk the rest of the grounds. You can leave if you want.”

“Walk all the way back alone?” I let out, shocked that he would even let me think of that. “Are you crazy?”

“Like I said, I do this every night. Alone. It’s perfectly safe,” he explained, giving me a look into his world “I’ve never ever felt unsafe here.”

“How’d you even wind up living in a cemetery?” I forced out. I’ve been wondering the question ever since he gave me his address but could never find the courage to ask.

He shrugged his shoulders once more and held back words before exhaling and turning towards me. “After my mom died, my dad couldn’t afford rent anymore. One of her friends owns this place and offered the house rent free in exchange for him doing the ground work. So, we moved in. Him, me, and my grandma.” He exhaled, preparing himself for the rest of the story. “Shortly after that he left and my mom’s friend didn’t have the heart to throw us out on the street.” I could feel the pain in his words as he spoke. “Ever since we’ve both done the ground work. I’ve been taking care of this place since I was six.” Suddenly we reached an open patch of grass. Ryder waved for me to take a seat with him, but I was too nervous. “It’s okay,” he comforted. “No one’s out here but you and me, you’re perfectly safe.”

I thought about it for a second before joining him, and making sure to leave almost no space between us. “Are your parents, are they…”

“Buried here?” he finished, knowing the question I was trying to ask. “Yeah,” he began. “My mom was originally buried in a catholic cemetery, but my grandma had her body moved here after they refused to let my dad be buried there. They’re buried together a few feet from my front door,” he let out, in a tone that showed the cruel irony wasn’t lost on him. How can someone live like this? With their parent’s graves just footsteps away from their home? How in the world can he ever get closure? It’s no wonder he’s such a mental mess!

“Why wouldn’t they take his body?” I couldn’t help but ask as I got sucked into his story. He took another deep breath as he thought. “Sorry,” I quickly apologized. “I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s fine,” he reassured. “I’ve been meaning to tell you about it all anyway.” I saw sadness like I’ve never known enter his eyes as he slowly gripped my hand. “When I was four, my mom was diagnosed with a type of blood cancer.” I couldn’t help but gasp as I realized where this was headed. “I only ever knew her as a skeleton. Every day she wasted away more and more. She put up a great fight but at the end of the day, it was too much for her.” He let out a sigh. “She died before I turned five. I don’t remember much of her, I remember her and my dad singing me to sleep. I remember her picking me up whenever I fell and what she looks like, but that’s it.” He shook his head as more and more pain filled him. “Shortly after that my dad started not doing so well. He couldn’t even be left alone with me. He was just too, too…” It seemed like Ryder knew the word he wanted to use, but just didn’t want to say it. “Depressed,” he finally let out. “He couldn’t get past her death. It was like his world had been ripped apart and there was nothing he could do about it. A few days after moving into this house my grandma found him hanging.” I couldn’t see his face but I could tell he was starting to cry. “He didn’t even left a note,” he forced out in a weak voice. “It’s like I didn’t even matter to him. Like he had nothing else of value here.”

“Don’t say that!” I let out, as I pulled him closer.

“Why?” Ryder asked, leaning his head against my shoulder. “It’s true. Everyone tells me he loved me and maybe he did. But if he loved me as much as people say, why did he leave? He didn’t even hug me goodbye.” He cried, finally letting it all out.

“I don’t know.” I comforted him, holding him even tighter. “But you of all people know how hard depression can hit. You know what it can do to you and how it can make you feel. I don’t think he wanted to leave you. Actually, I guarantee he didn’t want to. But you know it’s not that simple.”

“I know,” he agreed in a faint voice. “But I’m so, so, angry.” He shook his head. “And I don’t want to be mad at him. I want him to be proud of me. But I just can’t help it.”

“It’s okay. You can be mad. You have every right to be. But at least forgive him.” I held him for a little bit longer just thinking over the revelation as he cried in my arms. “And for the record, I’m sure he’s very proud of you.”

I could swear I could hear Ryder release a sigh of relief as he heard my words. “I, what if I ever hit that point?”

“Don’t say that.” My arms started to tremble at the thought.

“But we don’t know I won’t. My grandma says I’m just like him,” he insisted as though he’d been fixated on the idea. “My dad was so strong, he almost never let his mental illness show, and he gave in. What if…”

“Stop!” I cried out, pulling him close once more. “Don’t say that.” I shook my head, feeling water begin to drip from my own eyes. “I can tell you why you won’t hit that point. Because you’ll always have me and my family, and Liz, and Blake, and your grandma. We’ll never let you go there.” I spoke, barely even knowing if what I was saying made sense. “You’ll have to kill me before I ever let you hurt yourself.”

Ryder doubted me at first, but the second his eyes connected with mine, he knew I was serious. He nodded his head and fell quiet. “Just never leave me,” he finally spoke, burying his head back into my arms.

“I won’t.” I shook my head, finally realizing I meant what I was saying. Nothing will ever be the same after tonight. I know too much now. He’s let me in closer than he’s let anyone else. And in a lot of ways I’ve done the same with him. I know he thinks he needs me, but he has no idea how much I need him. I’ll stand by him through it all and I’ll never give him the chance to hurt himself the way his father did.