Dark Star - 5. Chapter 5

"You did great," I tell Rufus when we leave the classroom.

"Thanks. I'm glad it is over. It was too much."

He's out of breath like he just ran a marathon, but there's pride in his eyes, too. Rufus is usually level-headed about his top school performance, but this time he looks like he's just climbed Mount Everest. The As we got feel only like a cherry on top.

"Boys!" Mr. Hudson calls after us. "Can you stay for one minute?"

"Yes," I say, and we look at him while the others disperse in the corridors.

"Once again, congratulations, it was spectacular. You went far beyond the requirements."

"Thank you," we say, and Rufus looks down to hide his blush.

"No, thank you! It's a pure pleasure seeing my students put their heart and soul into something that most consider just another homework assignment. I was surprised to see you two team up, but whoever's idea it was, it was spot on! The mere grade can't compensate for the effort you put into it."

"Thank you," we mumble. Now even I start feeling uncomfortable.

"I'll make sure your parents receive official praise at the next PTA meeting. But there's something else I wanted to talk to you about. See, next month, there's an international science conference, and one of the highlights is an acclaimed and prestigious youth segment. I believe it's not too late to apply and have you boys represent the school. This would be a tremendous opportunity for both of you. What do you say?"

At this point, my eyes are like saucers. "That would be amazing," I breathe out with excitement. I imagine us showing the presentation in a proper conference hall, with an actual big screen, professional lights, and everything.

But Rufus shifts from foot to foot. "I don't know about it… I think I'm going to have to pass."

Mr. Hudson frowns. "Why so?"

"I'm not much of a speaker," he says in a low voice. "Even speaking for the class took a big toll on me, and now I just want to lie down. I almost got a panic attack before we even started, and if not for…" he quickly glances at me, "I just mean, if I was to speak for dozens or hundreds of people, that would be a disaster."

"Easy, Rufus," the teacher smiles encouragingly. "It's completely normal to be nervous in front of a crowd. Public speaking is a skill like any other; you boys will have all month to practice and prepare. It would be a shame to miss the opportunity. It could become a strong point in your resumes and secure you a spot in your dream college, maybe even jump-start your careers."

I watch Rufus listen, looking uncomfortable and miserable. He finally finds the courage to look up at Mr. Hudson. "I understand all that, and I think it's a great idea. I just know I'm not the right person. I'm happy to step down so Tyler can do it alone or with someone else."

"I will not force you to do it, Rufus, and you don't have to make the decision today. Just sleep on it, and let's talk another time. Do you have any more classes today?"

"No."

"Then go home and get some rest. You deserve it. I can't find the right words to tell you how proud I am of you both. I'm not very technical when it comes to computers. To me, it looked like magic. Now, that's all I had to say. See you in class, boys."

There's an awkward silence when Mr. Hudson walks away. I wish I could make Rufus feel better and reconsider, but I don't know what to say. After a moment, he just fixes his backpack and walks away. I follow him at a close distance as he leaves the building. Most of our class, including Jim, Clyde, and Dwight, are still around, chatting or waiting on the bus. Rufus walks past them and starts walking down the street. Clyde notices me and waves at me. Shit.

"Be right back!" I call to them and start running after Rufus, repeating curse words under my breath. He didn't go far, but he's walking fast, lost in thoughts. He gasps when I catch up with him.

"What?" he asks.

I slow down to match his tempo. "I just wanted to check… are you okay?"

"I'm great. Now leave me alone," he blurts and keeps walking.

I stop in my tracks and watch as he leaves. What did I do? I turn back and start analyzing different scenarios. Maybe it's nothing. The project is done. We're back to being strangers. This thought makes me emotional in a way I've never felt before. I have to fight tears. This is not what I bargained for. I wanted to get laid; have a friend with benefits. Definitely not develop a crush who doesn't want me back.

I pull myself together before joining the boys. Right… Jim saw us holding hands. Now, this is going to be fun. I don't care anymore.

"What was that about?" Dwight asks me, raising one eyebrow.

Without looking at anyone specifically I say, "I had his phone charger."

I tell them about Mr. Hudson's offer, and then we switch to random topics. Jim gives me strange looks from time to time, but doesn't say anything. Looks like he didn't roll on me. I would know soon enough if he did. Jim and I had been friends for years, way before we met Clyde and Dwight. Good to know he’s still loyal and knows better than to throw me under the bus.

At home, I tell Mom about the day and the presentation and tell her I need a nap. I go upstairs and lie on my bed. I exhale with relief. What a day. What a week! It was a short ride, but I'll never forget it. I think about all I did with Rufus. I think about where I went wrong. Everywhere, frankly. It wasn't meant to be in the first place. I assumed everyone my age only ever thinks about getting off, but not him. What's worse, it's starting to rub off on me, too.

I want to think about our hit presentation, but it somehow faded into irrelevance. Rufus consumes most of my thoughts. The way he's out of reach is frustrating and tempting at the same time. I think back to our intimate time at Dad’s office. Well, at least I made some pleasant memories to tell my grandchildren by the fireplace.

I quickly get naked, throw my clothes on the ground and start massaging my cock and balls. I close my eyes, imagining it's Rufus doing it, and my tool goes full mast in seconds. It doesn't take me long, and when I picture him eagerly licking my cock head, I go overboard and shoot my load all over my body. Fuck. It was a strong one. The memory alone is enough to keep me going for many future sessions. Too bad I won't ever feel the real thing.

Or will I? A few hours later, I'm in my bed, idling on my phone and about to sleep, when I get a new message from Rufus.

"Sorry for that earlier."

My heart beats faster. I put the phone away, refusing to believe he really wrote this. Damn this boy and all this emotional roller coaster. A minute later, I bring the phone back to my eyes and re-read his message.

I type, "It's fine. Serves me right for being pushy."

"You weren't. I just freaked out."

"I hope you're feeling better now."

"I am. Thanks. I haven't been myself lately."

"Happens to the best of us," I reply. "Don't beat yourself up. I hate to think that it's partially my fault."

"Tyler…" he writes, and I can see him typing another message for at least three minutes. The suspense is killing me. Is he writing an essay, or does he keep deleting and starting all over? Is he doing it on purpose to torture me?

"What do you want?" his message pops up eventually. "Like, for real?"

I stare at his message for a long time. It's a good question. Just a week ago, I knew and would be able to explain it with two emojis - eggplant and a peach. Not anymore. I have no idea what I want! I want many things, but they contradict themselves, and I can't just pick one. I already know it will be a sleepless night, whatever happens.

"Can we discuss it over bubble tea?" I suggest.

"I guess. If you're buying," he replies almost immediately.

I chuckle to myself. Shit. Are we getting somewhere after all?

"I'll be your sugar daddy any day."

"Lmao. Okay, let's do it," he texts me. "But there's a catch. You have to ask me at school."

My smile is replaced by a frown. "Why at school?"

"So I know that you mean it."

Of course. Shit, he's smart. And he knows his worth. I'm not ready for it. But he's giving me a chance. I would be stupid not to take it.

"Deal. See you tomorrow, Rufus."

"Goodnight, Tyler."

"Goodnight."

I put the phone away and press my fingers into my eyes. I want to laugh and cry. That boy… he really means it. He won't let me make a move until he makes sure I'm serious. Am I even serious? Am I attracted to him or to the challenge of getting him? I remember all the good times we had sharing our passion for science. He's definitely more than a one-night stand. But… he's almost too serious. He has plans. How long can I keep up with him before he sees I'm a fraud? Am I ready to break his heart just to get laid?

The obsessive thoughts don't let me sleep, and I am becoming increasingly paranoid every minute. Eventually, I go pee and wash my face with cold water. When I get back to bed, I feel better. I shouldn't overthink. One step at a time. And then we'll see.

***

Rufus knows what he's doing by making me ask him out in front of everyone. Is this what it is? Asking him out? It is my weak spot. He would be stupid not to notice. When I approach my boys, my resolve shrinks. I love these guys, but there's an old-fashioned gentleman's code between us, unspoken but very much effective. Among its rules, some of the most prominent are "no gay shit" and "no lying", and I'm about to secretly break both of them.

"So…" I start when we're done talking about typical stuff, "the conference thing is a go. Rufus and I may become besties after all."

"Good for you, Ty," Clyde says. "At least one of us gets to be famous."

"Dude," I laugh, "this is just a kids' show. I bet our act will be between a baking soda volcano and a sticker board show."

Jim pushes me playfully. "Hey! Stay the fuck away from our sticker board, egghead."

"Just don't forget about us when you become a celeb scientist," Dwight says. "Would be sad if you turned into a sad nerd and forgot how to have fun."

"Calm down," I say, "I'm not turning into Rufus just yet. Speaking of which, I have to talk to him."

I walk away with mixed feelings. It went well, but I can't forget that Jim knows my secret. He decided to keep it for whatever reason, but that could change at any time. I need to talk to him alone before his stupid mouth slips it off accidentally.

I find Rufus talking to Dale next to the classroom. Here we go. Luckily, Dale is the least intimidating person in the world, and I couldn't care less what he thinks. What he tells others is a bigger problem, but there's nothing I can do about it.

The boys stop talking when they see me. "Hey," I greet them. "Rufus, what are you doing after school?"

Dale looks from me to his friend with a dumb expression. Rufus just smiles and says, "I have no plans yet."

"I was thinking… would you like to grab a bubble tea with me later?"

"Uhm…" he pauses as if considering it. "Sure, I'd love to! What time?"

"Straight after school?"

"Perfect. See you, Tyler."

"See you, Rufus."

I exhale with relief. It really felt like asking someone out for the very first time. I go back to the boys with a huge smile on my face. It wasn't that hard. And it feels great! I know we agreed on it yesterday, but till the last moment, I feared he would sack me.

The day passes without significant setbacks. While hanging out with the boys, I ask myself what they would say or do if I told them I'm bi. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. You know, some people act homophobic out of habit and without mean thoughts towards anyone in particular. This is not the end of the world if your friend likes cocks, right? At least Jim didn't start to hate me… but then again, maybe the memory of seeing me holding hands with another boy was too much for him to deal with, and he repressed it.

As it turns out, there's one more test lurking. Before the last class, Rufus approaches us. With a perfect poker face, he asks, "meet you after school, Tyler?"

"Uh, yeah, sure!"

"Nice, see you!" he says and walks away.

"What was that?" Dwight asks, raising his right eyebrow.

"Nothing. We have a lot of stuff to prepare for the conference."

"Then why didn't you say anything?"

"I talked about it all day, you numbnut."

"I'd say our boy Rufus is crushing on Ty. Who's with me?" Clyde asks.

All three of them raise hands, snorting at me.

"Fuck off, gross!" I defend myself.

Dwight pats me on the back. "Let us know if he gives good head. I've had a dry season with girls."

"I bet he would love a foursome," Clyde adds, holding his chin thoughtfully. I expect a snarky comment from Jim, but he's strangely silent.

"You guys are so gross, fuck!" I shake my head with a smile.

"We got Rufus all wrong when he said he likes DnD," Dwight says and grabs his crotch.

"Bet he gives the smartest head in town," Clyde says, and we all laugh. I feel bad, but the boys are in good form today, and they're done turning it into a joke. I decide to use it.

"Just so you know, Rufus is under my full protection from now on, so no bullying or calling names until I say so, okay?"

"Understood, Ty. Your boyfriend is off limits."

I shake my head among laughter. I'm actually relieved they joke about it like that. They will run out of all the good ones in a few days and get bored. Meanwhile, I have to make sure the conference actually happens. Otherwise, it's going to be very awkward.

***

I meet Rufus in front of the school and we walk toward the town center.

"I've never had bubble tea," his first words are.

"A bit overhyped if you ask me, but it's good. What do you drink?"

He shrugs. "Tea, juice. Mostly water, though."

We quickly reach the place I had in mind. Most tables are filled with kids our age or slightly older. The menu is teenage-friendly, with stuff like sushi rolls, Detroit-style pizza, burgers, pancakes, and, of course, bubble tea.

We talk about school while we wait for our order, and I'm happy to see Rufus in a better mood than yesterday. All the stress really made him act like a different person.

"How is Dale?" I ask when the drinks arrive. "He looked mildly shocked when I asked you out."

"He'll be fine," Rufus smiles shyly. "He didn't speak to me about it."

"Maybe he's jealous."

"It came through my head. But if he asks me, I'll tell him."

"Tell him what?"

His smile disappears, and softly he says, "that I like boys."

I clear my throat and look around. The notion of coming out makes me nervous. "Does anyone else know about you?"

"Yeah, a few girls," he answers. "Also, Mom, Dad. And Tim."

"Whoa, nice. How did they react?" I ask curiously. It's beyond my imagination that Rufus had the courage to speak about his orientation, and I had not.

"Mom was cool. So was Dad. He still throws stale jokes at me from time to time, but he doesn't mind. Tim… Well, we were never close, to begin with."

"Are you happy that he moved out?"

He thinks about it for a while, sipping his bubble tea through a straw. "Yes. What about you? Are you out? And didn't you go out with Camilla last year?"

"Nobody knows about me. Only you. And yeah, I used to see Camilla. Technically I'm bisexual," I admit.

"Leaning…?" he squints his eyes.

"Objection, your honor! I don't know. No real preference. I'm somewhere in the middle. The main difference is that dating boys is much more problematic, so…"

"... so what do you really want?" he interrupts.

His eyes probe me intently, and I have to force myself not to look away. He's changed. He's not afraid of me anymore, at least not like he used to be. He's seen through my insecurities. Dad was right. He's really something.

"I… well," I start and take pause. Damn, I should've probably rehearsed it. "Cards on the table, okay?" When he nods with a subtle smile, I continue. "When I first talked to you, all I wanted was to fool around. I wasn't ready for a relationship or even thinking about it. I'm not saying that I'm ready now… it's just… here we go… I think I've grown a crush on you. I really like you. I like how you are and how we like similar things." I take a deep breath before going on. Speaking about my feelings isn't my strongest suit. Guess now I know how Rufus felt during the presentation. He keeps looking at me with his hands on the table and waits for me to pick up, so I do. "I think you're very cute, too. I've never felt anything like this before. Can I handle having a boyfriend? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't want to hurt you or lie to you, but if you'd like to try and see if anything comes out of it…"

"Would you come out at school if we were boyfriends?" his curveball throws me off guard.

"Uh, I guess, eventually. I don't exactly come from a very accepting background. I might've developed what's technically called," I take another deep breath, "internalized homophobia. I'm not saying it to make you pity me; I'm luckier than most. I'm just saying that it's not easy. But the way you are so… true to yourself, even if it causes people to dislike you or… think you're a loser… it's very inspiring."

"Thank you," he chuckles.

"I'm just stating facts. Anyway, last but not least, we could have a lot of fun together. All kinds of fun. Don't get me wrong, I really mean all kinds of fun, and maybe even inspire one another to be a better person."

"And learn not to lie to your friends and family?"

"Yes. Or, not to be a pussy and go with me to that conference."

I was afraid I crossed the line for a second, but he laughs heartily.

"You're funny," he says. "Thank you for sharing, Tyler. It's my turn, I guess."

"Go on," I say, suddenly feeling even more nervous in the face of what he has to say.

Rufus grabs his left wrist with his right hand and rubs it nervously. "Well, okay. Cards on the table, right? So… I'm still figuring out who you really are. At first, I was scared of you. Then, when you were so obviously hitting on me… I thought it was sad. I mean, I enjoyed what we did at your house… otherwise, I wouldn't let it happen. But when you freaked out in front of your friends when I tried to talk to you… you can imagine. I thought you were a bit pathetic. No offense, I don't think so anymore, but I was so… disappointed."

It's not news to me, but it hurts nonetheless. "Shit…" I mutter.

"But now I know where you were coming from. And I realize that you're strong where I am weak. What I'm trying to say is that I'd like us to be friends."

"Oh…"

"And maybe more."

"Oh!"

"Yeah. You're fun to be around, you're smart, and, well, you're hot."

The way he says it makes my cock twitch in my pants. The butterflies make it hard for me to control my breathing. My crush thinks I'm hot!

We stare at each other for half a minute. I've never felt so naked in my life. But I can see him too. I stretch my hand across the table, and he grabs it with a soft smile.

"So," I say slowly, "tell me what else you want."

***

We keep our hands to ourselves as I walk him home. We walk slowly as if subconsciously trying to delay the moment when it's time to call it a day. I feel good about our little date, so I dare to touch on a delicate subject.

"So, about that conference…"

Rufus sighs and rolls his eyes playfully. "Can we agree not to talk about it ever again?”

“Why?”

“The thought alone makes my mouth go dry."

"How about we ease you in? You have a whole month to prepare, and you can always change your mind."

"You can't teach an elephant to fly, Tyler. Just find someone else already, and let's save ourselves the hassle."

"Aw, that sucks. I was hoping you would change your mind. You know, after you shake off the stress."

"It really means a lot to you," he notices.

"Absolutely! It was a great feeling to see what we could do together if we put our hearts and minds into it. I thought we were only warming up."

"Sorry. I really enjoyed doing the project, but the presentation was traumatizing. Just go ahead and do it with someone else. I'll feel much happier watching you from the audience."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I won't mention it again. I promise," I say, admitting defeat. There's nothing more I can achieve by convincing him other than showing him that I only care about what I want. I really don't! So I drop it and change the topic. "Anyway, how's your dad?"

"Better," Rufus looks up at me. "He's a tough guy. But it's confirmed. He was the one who attacked the other man, so it doesn't end here."

"Damn. We won't be seeing him very soon, will we?"

Rufus just looks down. It's hard to decipher his feelings. On one side, he seems pretty casual about it. After all, he grew up with an imprisoned dad, so it's expected that it feels natural to him. On the other side…

"This is me," he says, and I’m startled not realizing we had arrived.

"Guess I'll see you at school," I say, silently hoping he would invite me over, but he doesn’t.

"Yes… I need to close my eyes for a bit. Today was an… interesting day."

"I loved it," I say.

“I can tell,” he says, not caring to elaborate.

“Did you?”

Rufus smiles, and we stare at each other. Instead of answering, he takes a step forward and gives me a little hug. Nothing overly affectionate, but not rushed either. He is five inches smaller, and my nose touches his dark hair, smelling of shampoo and Rufus. He's so small and warm. The hug lasts only a few seconds but it gives me a glimpse of this happy feeling I’ve been subconsciously longing for ever since I really noticed him when he ran in late to that science class. I don't want my former life anymore. This is what I need. This is what I want more of.

"See you later, Tyler," he says when I let him go.

"See you, Rufus!"