Never say love - 10. Chapter 10

Let me introduce to the world of male beauty and its perfection. Have you ever seen the statue of Antonius in Italy? Google it’s pictures at least if you have not seen it in person Antonius was the beloved boyfriend of Roman Emperor Hadrian and he wanted the perfection of the male beauty to be sculptured. Unfortunately I was not born on those days neither I was a sculptor on those golden days. Antonius was probably 18 years old exactly the same age of Varun Anand when Hadrian ordered his sculptors to depict his looks in the sculptures.

I am not trying to compare Varun and Antinous but probably Varun could be easily called as the perfection of male beauty and I was not an emperor who could order anyone to depict his looks as a sculpture. So I was simply standing there like a dumb statue (probably an average one) staring at the naked male flesh at display. I guess Varun would have had some instincts or rather uncomfortable zones so he looked at me questioningly and asked

"So are you going to dance with me with your shirt on, Sorry but I sweat a lot and I don’t want to spoil my new shirt. If you feel uncomfortable I can wear a sleeveless or something".

I might be dumb but I was not stupid enough to lose the only chance of staring at the male naked perfection in front of me. So I shook my head vigorously and to create a comfortable ambiance around I took my shirt off. May be it was a mistake because Varun was staring at my shirtless body and his eyes were piercing at my naked skin. I had never been shirtless in the presence of others except my mom and best friend Rishi. Varun was literally gawking at me now.

"woah, you got a toned body? You look awesome. Where did you get this fitness, I have never seen at playground" He was not trying to accuse me or anything but simply making a statement. He didn’t take his eyes off yet.

"I worked out at home, I do pushups and I play football every week with Rishi" I said hoping that Varun knew who Rishi was.

I looked back at Varun who then throwing his arms up in air. I could see his growing armpits glowing like dark stars in his golden skin. And he said "Whatever dude". End of the story.

He took his iPod from his pants pocket and connected to a large speaker kept in the corner of the bedroom. Music started playing slowly, it was little bit fast beat Techno. It was a nice selection from him. And he started shaking his hips, it was so manly. His pants loosened up a bit and it came down few inches showing his costly underwear brand to me. He had shown his both hands towards trying to drag me towards him. I felt like a hypnotized monkey. I caught his hands and then he pulled me in. He was shaking his head getting into the rhythm of the music. To me, everything was so blank; there was no music in my ears. Since the object of my affection or rather I should say infatuation standing few feet opposite to me shirtless like a Greek God.

He pulled me even further and his hands were on my shoulder. I guess he learnt the art of seduction somewhere or it came to him naturally along with his looks package. And he used it unconsciously to lure girls and boys to his love nest. After all the permutations and combinations that was the only theory I could come up with finally. My imagination was so wild, I felt like standing in the middle of the forest on fire. His body was smoking hot, literally and figuratively and the heat radiating from his body caught me like an Ebola Virus. I just had hope that I didn’t die out there with a huge erection building inside my pants like a Qutb Minar (a 12th century historical tower built by an Islamic ruler in Delhi).

It was a curse of a teenage boy whether he was gay or straight or bent. My hormones were spiraling like a money plant on fast track and Varun was totally oblivious of my situation which was gone completely out of control ever since he took his shirt off.

I made a blunder of my life, I decided to divert my perverted mind out of Varun naked flesh and its feel. I forcibly brought all the ugly lecturers in my mind, nope it didn’t help and then I recalled all the teachers I had in my entire school years. Their ugly faces refused to help me either. And then somehow Rishi's face cross tracked into my imagination. He looked so peaceful, his smile was so comforting, I could have won a Nobel Peace prize with it. To my surprise, the erection in my pants subdued slowly but the physical proximity I was having with Varun still existed so I continued to be in Trans-state, my equilibrium was lost several minutes before. I heard Varun's raspy voice so close my ears whispering

"Loosen up dude, keep your hands and body not so tight. Just feel the music and my body movements and dance along with it

I thought to myself 'well, I loosened up so much I might burst my nuts any moment, I think I was feeling too much of his body movements but not the music, figures. I need professional help here to get me out of any further trouble from the contacts of another naked boy flesh'.

I never been a religious person, but that day I decided to worship my native goddess which was kind of scary looking. I started praying for help to avoid any mischievous thoughts appearing out of my perverted brain. It kind of helped a bit, might be because of the scary looking goddess face or whatever...

But Varun decided to be a Devil's favorite advocate on that day to test an innocent 18 year old gay boy who was having hard time controlling his hard on. He came even further to me; everything on his body was touching mine. His beautiful pink lips, sculpted chest, dangerous navel, bulging arms etc were trying to touch at least one part of my body or other. I never even had such a scenario in my wildest sexual fantasies and I had no clue whatsoever to react to this boy's seduction but he was oblivious to everything and was dancing like a madman holding me in his hands. Thankfully the music stopped. I could feel his breathe so close my neck then. I stood like a lifeless wood, stretching my neck towards him as if waiting for my butcher's next spell like a stupid scapegoat.

He looked at my face for few more seconds. His face was magnificent, his lips, thick eyebrows, his straight nose, his long hair falling over his forehead, everything about him were so perfect. And I couldn’t take my eyes off him and then he said

"I think I need water, I am so thirsty after the entire dance" He left the room immediately and came back with a bottle of water. I took it from him and gulped half the bottle. It was so smoothing my lungs and out of control moods. He walked towards the bed so gracefully and took his shirt in his hands.

"I think we should try it until Friday after the college, then we would be all set to rock on stage on Saturday at Cultural, what do you say?" he asked me.

I stammered a "Yes" to him.

He started wearing his shirt back. I looked at him. There was a slight formation of bulge in his pants but I couldn’t figure out the reason for it. Probably the Trans music did it to him.

I couldn’t take it any longer, I said "bye" to him in a hurry and left his home.

On the way to my house I started wondering the feelings I had towards Varun. Undoubtedly he was good looking and sexy. Any girl or gay boy would find him attractive but I had those other feelings which I couldn’t figure it out. Like the way I care about him and his friendship. Like the way I worship his walking style, his voice, his questions etc.

Finally I decided that I was deeply, madly and crazily falling in love with the golden boy who was so damn straight and quite oblivious to my feelings towards him. And I had no fucking clue to get out of it.

Tuesdays is not a good thing. If I had a time machine I would go back to Roman period and remove Tuesdays from the calendar. It should be banned along with Mondays. Those were the days they gave us dozens of workload at Colleges. I wonder why lecturers chose a particular day to burden us with assignments. It seems everybody hates Tuesdays and Mondays then why the hell we have it in our calendar. We could erase it as simple as that.

But no, never, nobody erased it. Tuesdays existed with abundant assignments and issues for me and I had to suck it up and deal with it and not being a drama queen about it.

Varun was at his useful, cheerful and seductive mode trying to charm every single species that came his way. Fortunately I managed to keep a low profile and stayed invisible from his sight and spells. I ignored all my regular paths, kept myself busy at classes and completely abandoned canteen which ensured Varun not crossing my paths.

Unexpectedly, when our college bus entered the campus in the morning I saw Rishi waiting for me at the entrance on his bike. I had realized that it had been a while I saw that handsome face. His helmet was off, with long hair hanging on his shoulder and black jacket; he looked like a qualified Bollywood hero for the next 'Dhoom 4' film. He waved his hand at me the moment I got down from the bus, Varun was standing behind me. To avoid any unnecessary scene in front of the college I hurried to meet Rishi.

"Hi, so this is the only choice you gave me to see your ugly face, huh?" Rishi started to speak with his useful comfort smile. There was nothing cunning about it.

"Sorry dude, I was busy with internals and all, I couldn’t pick up your calls" I said.

"It’s ok man, you don’t have to come up with stupid excuses. Our friendship is way beyond all those, you know" He was saying to me without quitting to smile.

"I know right" I assured him, I know I made a blunder ignoring him and he has been my best friend for so long that I felt guilty giving him wrong excuses.

"So I heard you are going to dance, huh" he poked at my hips cheerfully. He was changing the subject to avoid any discomfort between us, just his useful self.

"Yeah right" I replied and then automatically looked at Varun who now joined with Preeti Mohan who was walking towards the classroom. Rishi followed my glance and looked at Varun for few seconds and then stared at my eyes and said

"So you are dancing with Mr. Popular?" he asked me.

"I guess so" I told him deliberately creating a non-exciting tone.

"hmm..." was the only reply came from Rishi, there was a hint of possessiveness in it.

"I am going out with Antro and few of our friends to Mahabalipuram (a historical tourist spot near Chennai) in bike this Saturday. You are not coming, I guess" He asked with a puppy face. In the past I had never said 'no' to that face but this time.

"I don’t think so, I have the 'Culturals' on Saturday" I told him hesitantly.

Rishi shook his head and started his bike engine.

"Ok then, I’ll see you later. Ask your friends to take pictures of your dance and WhatsApp me" He said which brought back his dimple smile.

"sure" I left with a sigh of relief.

He was about to leave but before that he said "Listen, I really miss you. So give me a call when you are free, ok Chikki?" his masculine voice kind of became soft. There was so much of care and concern in his voice which broke my heart. He was my best friend for life who loved me unconditionally. If he wasn’t so damn straight I would have poured my heart out to him long time back. But I couldn’t since there was this huge barrier between us. If he knew what I was going through and with my thoughts he would definitely hate me. It was so painful that I couldn’t share my secrets with him.

I just managed to shake my head and said "hmm..." to him.

He stared straight at my eyes for few more seconds. There was so much he wanted to say but our friendship wasn’t like that we never poured our heart out but we have always been for each other. It stood tall on all good and bad times.

His bike roared like a starving lion and then he left in his bike. I walked back to the campus.

Life had never been easy for me especially that day once I left college to home. As I said Tuesday is a bad thing, I had a nervous breakdown at home. I have always been a bright student, scored good marks etc. That was one of the reasons my mom never followed my progress of studies or had strict study rules at home. She had too much of confidence on my studies. But for the first time in my life, I failed in Data Structures and I was supposed to get signature from my mom in the internal papers. Not a good thing.

I was watching some ridiculous comedy show when my mom returned from office. She kind of gave me a weird look. Sometimes I think she looks funny with her short and stout frame, her eye glasses made things even funnier but I loved her, she is my mom after all. She informed that she was so tired after heavy workload at Office and not really interested in cooking. I dialed up Domino Pizzas and ordered two Mexican chicken pizzas which was my mom's favorite. My nervousness about my internal results hadn’t gone down. I ended up watching an even more ridiculous tv program which was about Beauty parlor. The lady on the show was wearing too much make up which didn’t suit her old age. Her Tamil (a South Indian language) was even more unbearable. My mom gave me this look which had all kind of dangerous signals. I know that motherly look.

"Are you unwell?" she asked me with a soft tone as if I was still 3 years old. I knew her motherly brain has been thinking about plunging a thermometer in my mouth any moment.

"Nope" I shook my head vigorously to assure her that I was physically alright.

She looked at me few more times and kept silent. We both continued to watch ridiculous beauty parlor program. I had no complaints from my mom about it either. I still couldn’t bring a nerve to talk about my internal mark to her. I had no idea how she would react. After the tv show got over Pizza guy came home and delivered my orders. Mom and I started eating the pizza silently, we were now watching news about Ebola disease on BBC. They were showing decomposed bodies from Liberia while I was having my second piece of Mexican chicken pizza. I thought I might puke any moment but I refused to change the TV channel.

After our dinner my mom left for sleep and went into her bedroom. I was nervously walking back and forth at her doorstep. I wasn’t sure if she was aware of my presence in her bedroom door. After few more minutes I hurried back into my room, took the Data Structure internal papers and fake signed my mom's signature on it. I am not letting her to know her dear son's academic failures.