Never say love - 15. Chapter 15

We Indian boys are not supposed to cry. We have been taught not to show our emotions ever. Society expected us to keep everything under control. Boys don’t cry as simple as that, it belonged to the job of girls in India. And they ensured tears are readily made in their eyes which they used it to their advantage against men whenever needed. Can you believe this, a woman used her tears as a weapon over her husband to send her stepson to the forest so that her own son can ascend the throne. Well, the rest of the story become the greatest Hindu epic called Ramayana

Sleep didn’t come easily that night. I decided to call Rishi. I spoke to him on the phone. He was worried about Varun's drunken state, I lied to him that Varun left my house immediately after.

That night I found Ashwin online. I told him about how my mom found out my sexuality. He told me that I should talk to her and explain everything.

I asked him what he would do if his parents find out. He told me that he wouldn't care and he expected them to love him unconditionally. He was quite calm and confident about it. I somehow felt relaxed. I went to sleep after a while.

Next two days, my mom was like a zombie moving around the house with an expressionless face. I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to talk to her.

But it was easily said than done.

Sex is a taboo in India. Nobody talks about it here. Sex is all about breeding and it was done only after marriage. Until then everybody masturbates alone like a million times and roams around as if sex is not a subject in their life. Parents don’t talk about sex to their teenagers. Not even husbands and wives discuss sex. Friends just laugh about sex; it’s just a joke for them. You can watch porn, but you can't make or sell porn, it's illegal in India. It is the most awkward subject in India, period. Heroes in films play around the belly buttons of heroines, i mean the actresses; they even cook omelets on it but we censor porn films. Our government banned xvideos.com, but they never stopped our elected members watching porn using VPN during Parliament sessions and House assemblies. That's against democracy of India. Though we built Kajurahos and wrote Kamasutras, and most of our temples has sculptures and paintings of naked dancing gods and goddesses, we considered discussing openly on sex is not our culture. How stupid was that?

Talking about sex and sexuality to my mom was never even in my dreams so I kept my mouth shut at home. Back in college, Varun was kind of ignoring me. On Tuesday he took me to The Rock restaurant to my surprise. It was our usual hang out spot. I knew something was coming and I was waiting for him to say it. He was not even looking at my face; he was staring at his plate when he spoke to me.

"Listen, we couldn’t do this anymore. What we are doing is not what I want in my life. It’s complicating my lifestyle. It was kind of good for a time being but now I am getting bored of it and we had to end it up here"

His voice was so cold, he was kind of shrugging his shoulders at me. I knew that look. He never had any feelings for me. It was just purely sex for him all the while when I fell into a deep mud in love. I always knew that he could never reciprocate my love but I didn’t know that things will end this way. I was silent for a moment watching the artificial waterfalls next to me, then I said

"Yeah right"

When I reached home that evening I had felt something heavy on my chest. My dreams were shattered and I knew my life got screwed up completely. Mom found out my homosexuality, I was failing in my classes, things between me and Rishi were not quite the same and finally Varun broke up with me even though we never had a relationship in the first place except sex.

Somebody died, Doordarshan Tamil (An official TV channel of the Indian government) made things even worse. They ensured that viewers mourn along with them too. Whole evening people were playing sad violin music. Their faces were expressionless, their music had monotones. I got stuck with that TV channel; it suited my current mood perfectly.

Mom returned home from office, she was wandering around the kitchen and living room looking at me puzzled. We were still not in talking terms. She might have wondered why her son was watching Doordarshan and realized something wrong happened to me. She came and sat on the couch next to me silently. I wanted to pour my heart out to her. I desperately needed her comfort. I laid my head on her lap she brushed my hair affectionately. Within few minutes I opened my mouth and told her everything that happened between me and Varun, I told her about my secret crush on Rishi, I told her how much I hate Anita. She didn’t respond the whole time, she was completely silent listening to every word I spoke but never stopped brushing my hair.

Finally Doordarshan decided to end their non-stop violin torture and telecast news bulletin. Mom took the remote and changed into Vijay TV's Super Singer, kids started singing. We both watched it silently before we went back to our bedrooms respectively.

Next few days I completely ignored Varun at College. His charm and looks still affected me whenever I saw him but it didn’t have the same kind of effect on me anymore. Medha was the only relief I had there. She was not talking to Venky. She dragged me to the canteen for lunches. Somehow I realized that I was the reason for what was happening between Medha and Venky. I decided to end the world war.

I sent a message to Venky asking him to meet me that evening at Besant Nagar beach. He arrived riding his Active Honda; he was wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and shorts as usual. He wasn't bad looking either in his sun glasses. When he came and sat next to me in the sand, I decided to come to the point straight away and tell him that nothing was happening between me and Medha.

But there was some obvious discomfort between us which was developed lately.

"Look Venky, I don’t know why you stopped talking to me" I told him.

He was looking at the beach sand and I heard him saying

"Do you like Medha?" he asked me in return.

"Yes, I like her as a friend" I said it as a matter of fact. I thought maybe it was the right moment to come out to someone. I wanted to know the reaction before I tell Rishi that could be hard though. I continued saying

but I am not your competition. Medha is just my friend and she will always be"

I didn’t think he believed what I said, 'coming out as gay' to him was the only way to convince him that I was not interested in Medha so I said it like a whisper

" I am gay"

He looked at me, I thought that he didn’t understand what I said

"Yeah right, I am a raging homosexual, I like boys, I am not interested in Medha that way. You can start hating me and stay as far as possible as you want but I just want you to know that there is nothing between me and Medha". Finally I did it, I came out to a friend, might be an enemy in the future.

He was quite shocked at my blunt statement. He looked at me not believing what I said and then he realized that I was telling him the truth. He smiled at me. It gave me little bit of courage and said

"Why should I hate you Sandy. You are the nicest person I ever know. So are you in love with some guy or something? Is that Rishi?"

I didn’t expect that kind of reaction from him, taking my sexuality casually. I was damn sure Rishi wouldn't be reacting the same way if he knew that I am gay. We have so much of history; our friendship was in a different level.

So I changed the subject with a smile.

"You should tell her, you know. I know how you feel about her and all “I told him.

He nodded his head slightly and then he grinned at me friendly

"Yes I should. Thanks for everything bro, you are a true friend"

He gave me a warm hug and left after few minutes..

That night I came back home and logged into Grindr, the gay dating app Ashwin recommended me. I created a profile and posted my pictures in it. Within few minutes I received 90 messages.

'You are so hot, Can we meet?'
'Do you have place?'
'Show me your nude pictures please'
‘are you on cam?'
'Can I suck your cock?'
'ASL?'
'I am 36 year old, I am staying in Hotel Hilton, and can you come?'
'What’s your size?'
'Top or Bottom?'

Well, almost all the messages were like that. I also received a picture message from a person who had sent me his photo of ugly, hairy and unclean asshole in a close up shot. I hurried to the restroom and puked my dinner into the wash basin. I returned to my laptop and deleted my Grindr account. Yes, I was a horny teenager longing for sex but I couldn’t imagine myself having sex with some stranger whom I hardly knew. I didn’t want to be a dog in the breeding season.

I was so desperate to talk to someone. So I sent a facebook offline message to Ashwin.

"Can we meet?"

I decided to focus on my studies for the next 2 hours. System Engineering was not the easiest subject. But Ms.Saratha put in lot of effort to make it interesting for me, her notes helped to understand the complicated topics. I was so immersed in my notes when I heard a message beep sound from Facebook. Ashwin had replied my message.

"Yes, tomorrow?"

When I woke up next morning, Sun was laughing at me from my bedroom windows and an unopened condom packet was glaring at me from the laptop table.

I looked at it not believing my eyes on what I saw. I went closer to the laptop table and there, the condom packet. How did it come here? I wondered. I checked the living room and then the entire house. There was no one in the house except me and mom. She was busy cooking something in the kitchen. I looked at her and she gave me that weird, uncomfortable half smile. I went back to the bedroom and checked my laptop, somebody logged into it. Except me and mom nobody knew the password and she must have used it in the morning. I checked the history of Internet and there I found a website which provided information about homosexuality and other safety tips.

Quietly I went into the rest room to take bath and everything. I returned to wear a light khaki pant and a white shirt. I took the condom packet and kept it inside my college bag. It was not like I had plans to have sex with anyone since with Varun. I thought that I just had enough sex in my life. When I went into the kitchen for breakfast, mom had already left to office. She made Dosa for me and packed lunch for the first time of my college life.

I found Varun seated in the bus busy charming a new girl from another department. I ignored him once again. I found a seat nearby the window and took my headphones to listen music. It was a sunny day. The driver as usual was driving the bus as if he wanted to reach hell in a hurry. I wondered if he ever drove with open eyes.

College campus looked like a fish market. Trees were shedding their leaves and red flowers were everywhere on the ground. Students were busy rushing to their classroom. Ms. Saratha decided to stop teaching and talk to someone on the mobile phone during SAD class, drenching the phone speaker with her saliva. Mr. Thyagarajan had no idea on what he was lecturing about; his big pot belly was threatening to rip his shirt off. There was a power outage during the Lab period and generator refused to work. I saw Medha and Venky talking to each other in the canteen. That was good news.

I was supposed to meet Ashwin at Idly park. I asked him to meet me there since hardly there would be people in it. I sent him all kind of directions and stuff through Facebook.

When I returned home, I was little bit nervous to meet Ashwin. We had never shared our pictures before. Even though I planned it to be a friendly meet that was the first time I was meeting another gay boy in person, so I was quite curious.

I went to the Idly park by walk I was in a regular shorts and a black tee shirt. He was sitting on a small bench looking at the swing his back was at me from a distant but I had that weird feeling in my heart and I felt my heart beats raising rapidly in it. There was a slight breeze and the leaves on the ground slowly moved. He turned his face towards by the time I entered the park.

It wasn't Ashwin I saw, Rishi was standing there in a simple faded jeans and a green tee shirt. He looked at me in a surprise. I felt like a bullet train hit me. There was fear, confusion and shock in his handsome face. I could see the blood flowing inside his beautiful fair skin. I wanted to run away from there and never turned back but in few seconds he seemed to be composed and he gave me that wry smile.

"Yeah, I am in love with my best friend" he told me.

All those years I tried fucking hard to hide my sexuality whenever Rishi was with me and now he is telling me that he is gay and loves me? Like two stupid gay boys we were hiding our unbearable feelings for each other all those years because we thought the other one is straight and might hate one another for being gay? How cruel that could be? I thought then.

"So you are Ashwin?" I asked him as if wasn't obvious.

"And your name is Praveen, huh?" he asked me in a mocking tone.

"So am I the secret crush of yours?" I remembered Ashwin chatting with me about his secret crush all the time. He even said that the guy is the hottest boy in Chennai.

Does Rishi think that I am hot or something when I was seriously thinking that I had that mad secret crush on my best friend of all these years?

Rishi didn’t reply me; instead he just nodded his head.

"How long have you been in love with me?" I asked him doubtfully.

He looked at me with that warm and comfortable smile I have seen since I was 7 years old.

"I don’t know, like forever?" he told me.

I moved little bit closer to him to ensure what I was hearing from him was true.

"How about Lakshmi?" I asked him, still not believing things?

"I broke up with her, it didn't work. I have always been in love with you but I was so scared to tell you. You were acting like this fucking damn straight dude and then you were hanging out with Medha. I thought I could take my mind off you through Lakshmi but I failed miserably. I told her all about my feelings for you and she became my friend now".

And then he continued, as if he was scared that if he didn’t say it then he might never had the courage to say it all to me, so I let him talk.

"Sandy, it has always been you. I lived and breathed for you. I learned guitar just for you. I bought that bike to ride along with you. Do you remember the first time when we met, you asked me for a ride in my bicycle? I think I fell in love with you then"

He was like in a dreamy state. He closed his eyes for few seconds thinking about the past. There was so much of history between us. He had his eyes opened and looked at me and I did the same. There was nothing but love and pure affection in his eyes.

"Sandy, do you love me?"

His voice was kind of broken similar to when he asked me if Varun was my new best friend few weeks before. I couldn't speak; I tried to open my mouth but words refused to come out as usual. There were days I wondered why he was so straight. There were times I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I was looking for love everywhere when it was standing next to me like a shadow all my life. How could I refuse his love?

Yes, Varun is hot and everything but there is no heart in it but Rishi? I could die hundred times and still fall in love with this awesome dude with a beautiful heart, I thought then.

I went further closer and hugged him as if I never wanted to let him go. He hugged me tight; I could feel the heat from his toned chest. Tears were flowing out of my eyes like a waterfall. He released me from the hug and asked me with a caring voice.

His lips moved like beautiful rose buds.

"Why are you crying?"

I told him "because I never thought this day would come, I waited for you like 6 years"

He was grinning at me like a mad dog "so you love me too?"

"Yeah stupid. I have always, always will" I was blushing like a virgin girl.

I could see the excitement in his eyes. He was so happy. He was asking me mischievously

"So what shall we do now?"

Suddenly all the fantasies that I had involving Rishi came back to my mind. How much I wanted to rip his shirt and jean off which enveloped his toned muscles. There were several nights when he was sleeping next to me in bed .I was so desperate to touch his skin, wished I could brush his beautiful long curly hair with my fingers all night. I had dreams in which Rishi and I were having hot sex in the beaches, hill forests while trekking and exhibitions in front of the audience but I had set aside all those because I thought he is damn fucking straight.

"I wanted to do million things with you in bed, but as for now, Can you take me for a ride in your bike, dog man?"

He laughed out loudly "How can i say 'no' to the love of my life"

And then he continued "Can we go to watch Harry Potter again, Chikki?"

"Oh no, not again" I smiled at him.

Well, that's how Sandy vs Rishi love saga began...

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