Never say love - 14. Chapter 14

Have you ever heard about Fuzzy Mathematics?

It is an interesting concept, it is all about things that doesn't really exist. But my professor made it as one of the most boring subject on earth.

Okay, coming back to the point, Fuzzy Mathematics. Let’s just say it’s an Unreal algebra. For example you can take a small piece out of a cauliflower and it still looks like another cauliflower but it is not really a complete one. Something like this called Fuzzy mathematics, so confusing, huh? Ahem...

My unrequited love with Varun had been similar. It made me wonder if we had any real relationship going. True, we had passionate sex all the time. True, we spoke a lot. True, we had hang outs almost every day and everywhere.

It’s also true, that golden boy liked me and he thought I was hot and everything but whether these symptoms could be considered as true love? Well, I couldn’t put it that way.

Sometimes I felt like a cheap slut. Whoring myself to him whenever he needed. He hardly gave me the opportunities to let him know about my unbearable feelings towards him. Whenever we were alone, he just wanted to get into my pants. He was so much into sex; he was not ashamed of admitting it either.

I started wondering if that was the kind of relationship I wanted with him in the first place. Naturally, I wasn't someone who would pour my heart to anyone, not even to Rishi who was like a shadow all my life. So I kept my mouth shut and went along with Varun's way.

I have received quite lot WhatsApp messages. Several from Anita, even her words were screeching to me. Medha was her usual self, every single word ended with a smiley but it never had any real meanings. I was surprised to see messages from Varun's friend whom I remember met at a farmhouse party, the birthday gay boy. He was so desperate to meet me, I was sure he wanted to tear my jeans off.

Next Sunday, Rishi came home. We spoke a lot. I told him about my Pondicherry trip with Varun and how we got caught in a storm. I carefully avoided about the farmhouse incident. I had no plans to let Rishi know about my sexuality,

I was sure my straight best friend Rishi would start hating me if he knew that. Also I told him about Medha and why Venky stopped talking to me.

Rishi said that I shouldn’t be bothered about Venky and must continue hanging out with Medha if I liked her. I guess he thought I was falling in love with Medha and I let him without any second thoughts. Whatever which covered up my sexuality from him I was glad to do that.

Rishi was still hanging out with Lakshmi but he spoke less about her.

I guessed that was because of the distant that was created between us over the last few weeks.

Have you ever seen the movie 'A beautiful mind', if not probably its time to do that? But if somebody asked me to do films I will take a movie about how beautiful a mind can be.

There will be millions of thoughts wandering around your mind at the same time when the crush of your life sitting closer to you. In Zen it says like this

"If the mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything.

In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few". I must call myself expert now because it is always occupied with one thought that is Gay.

Somehow the movie has become our favorite, either it’s because of the innocent looks of Toby McGuire or it’s because of the superhero status of the Spiderman adventures, but there is something Gay about Spiderman-2, I always thought.

Probably Rishi and I would have seen it 100 times. Rishi was having a conversation with me while watching the movie.

I was little bit horny that day I wonder why. He was lying down next to me bed shirtless. I could see every single curves and cuts in his body.

His regular sports and running gave that toned, defined body. I did my level best not to stare at him.

I focused on watching 'Spiderman'.

Here is the conversation with Rishi behind the backdrop of scenes from Spiderman-2 and also the thoughts of my beautiful mind.

Rishi: You look so different today, new hair style, huh?
Me: What? (I did not actually hear what Rishi said, Spiderman was now in his bedroom shirtless, and Rishi was glancing at me from the corner of his eyes, Wow, his eyes? Why is it glowing today? I felt restless now and pretending like watching the movie)

(Spiderman-2: I said, um, 'Spider-Man,' I said, 'the great thing about M.J. is when you look in her eyes, and she looks back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel strong—and weak at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time terrified.

The truth is you don't know the way you feel, except you know the kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it. )

Rishi: Hey, are you listening me?

Me: (no I am not, I’m lost) Yes, I’m listening, tell me

Rishi: There is something wrong about you for few weeks; sometimes it’s very hard to understand you. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who you are (Oh yeah, it’s coming, can somebody tell this idiot that I’m Gay)

(Spiderman-2 :Who am I? You sure you wanna know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody told you it was a happy tale, if somebody said I was just your average guy, not a care in the world...somebody lied. But let me assure you, this, like any other story worth telling, is all about a girl. That girl, The girl next door. Mary Jane Watson. The woman I loved since before I even liked girls. )

Rishi: We didn’t meet for last few weeks. Did you ever miss me?

Me: Not really (it hurts, you have no idea)

(Spiderman-2: No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...the ones I love will always be the ones who pay. )

Rishi: I don’t know what to say, but I never really couldn't find a friend like you in College and I don’t think I will find anyone in my college.

Me: Look, don’t worry about it. You will find friends better than me, who matches your interests, I’m sure you will forget about me one day.(He was so damn fucking straight I didn’t know where all that sudden outbursts and showcase of emotions were coming from, he never spoke to me this way before and it frightened me)

(Spiderman-2: Peter, look, you're changing. I know. I went through the exact same thing at your age. Peter, these are the years when a man changes into the man he's going to be for the rest of his life. Just be careful who you change into.)

Me: Rishi, don’t worry about our friendship. No matter how many friends I make you will be always part of my life (Gosh, I sounded like my grandma, somebody blow me)

(Spiderman-2: Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: 'With great power, comes great responsibility.' This is my gift. My curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man! )

(Rishi was smiling at me now)

Rishi: What happened to you today, you sound so odd? I am trying to say something to you, but you are not listening, pretending as if everything is normal between us.

I wasn't even listening a single word he said. I don't know what is wrong with me. Here is my best friend, pouring his heart out and I am sitting next to him and not bothered to console him or whatever. I have never been like this before, not when he is around. I am a lost cause. I don't know who i am anymore.

(Spiderman-2: I love you! And Peter loves you! We've been down and out before but somehow we'll get through it. You do too much, you're not Superman, you know.)

Me: I know what you are going to ask, in fact I don’t want to talk about anything now.

Rishi: Sandy, allow me to say what I wanted to say, don’t fool me.

I looked at him clueless. He was staring at me and watching my face. Then he shook his head as if he changed his mind.

(Spiderman-2: What do you want? (to Norman) To say what you won't. To do what you can't. To remove those standing in your way. )

Rishi: Sandy, you should say whatever you want to say today (he was very curious and encouraging me to open up). Are you in love with some girl or something?

Me: Come on dude, let’s just stop talking and just watch the movie, don’t you like Spiderman? (I just tried my best to change the topic; I don’t wanna spoil the show)

Rishi: No, I don’t like him. Answer my question
(the time was running out, my heart was pounding like a sports watch, I just looked at his beautiful eyes, hard to resist this hot guy. At that moment, I wanted to blurted out everything to him, somebody stop me please)

(Spiderman-2: Misery, misery, misery. That's what you've chosen. I offered you friendship... and you spat in my face! )

The movie ended finally. I thanked all the gods in the world for saving my ass from Rishi. I was not sure how long I could live without letting him know about my sexuality. I could feel that day was coming.