Retail Ninja - 1. Chapter 1

The store bustled. Registers beeped, cart wheels whirred, and chatter could be heard everywhere. All was sound in the supermarket. Regardless, he watched and listened tirelessly. Protecting his workplace from worldly evils was his mission. No one dared step foot inside to cause trouble, and if they did he would end their attempt with haste.

Many have tried. Scummy thieves, hostile extreme couponers, and box-benders hoping to get a discount were caught by his hands. Dealt with swift justice, he upheld the moral shopping code of an oft-forgotten peaceful time. The daily customers praised him, although they rarely saw the man in action. His store was regarded as the best in the country. Tourists came with hope of catching a glimpse of the modern hero. Oftentimes, they yelled and pointed to the beige-painted rafters, only for others to see a blur.

He had no name, but the gossiping public dubbed him the Retail Ninja. Armed with his plentiful box-cutter knives, barcode stickers, price gun, and aluminum-laced apron, he was considered formidable. Even with his reputation, evil-doers tried.

On an unsuspecting afternoon, he patrolled every corner of the store. Produce department? Peachy. Meat? Only a chicken would hide there. Dairy? Completely cheesy. Electronics? Easy game and no difficulty. Pet section? Nothing to bark at. Coffee aisle?

His nerves steeled as he spotted a woman through his black balaclava. How did he miss her? When did she come in? Was she going to act out? Knowing her, it was only a matter of time. Unaffected by gravity and balance, he sprinted sideways along the edge of the rafter's beam. Tracking her was simple. Fortunately, she encountered none of the store employees.

But it would happen eventually as the suspect walked to the checkouts. Her heels clicked on the linoleum tile, causing nearby patrons to flinch. The sound could pierce any calm and innocent soul. It grew louder when she neared, and Retail Ninja despised her arrogance. Her Chanel handbags, two on each arm, swung with a malicious aura. The leopard-printed leather cardigan waved all the way to her knees, and underneath was a tan dress and a collection of gold necklaces dangling along her perky chest.

Sauntering into a lane, she set a cartridge of coffee pods on the end of the conveyor belt. The ninja watched from above as the item slowly crept toward the unknowing cashier. The poor teenage cashier reached for it, only for her hand to swiftly cusp it first.

"Did you find everything o—"

"No," she responded. Her coiffed, blond pixie cut bobbed as she tapped her long fingernails menacingly. "I did not find everything okay. This was the only size in this flavor, and I wanted the next size up."

"I-I'm sorry. I can check with someone in that dep—"

"Don't bother! There was no one around when I actually needed the help. This place is so mismanaged."

"I mean, it—"

"Are you arguing with me? I am a valued customer!"

Retail Ninja heard enough. Using his roll of stickers, he rappelled down and landed on the belt. He flung a single sticker at the conveyor's laser to stop from inching closer to the register. He stared menacingly at the villain.

"Retail Ninja," she murmured. "Finally, someone who's competent. Are you going to be useful this time, or will there be a song and dance?"

"No dancing today, Kruel Karen." He crossed his arms and glanced at the cashier. "Take a ten."

Stumbling and staggering, the cashier fled. Several people were still while others gave a wide berth. Karen glanced at those around with a smirk. "Standing around and still no customer service."

He hopped down and took his place behind the register. "You were looking for a certain product?"

"I can't find anything in this haphazardly organized mess!"

Her words panged. Brushing off the insult, Retail Ninja scanned the pods with his price gun. "This is the only size we carry of this prod—"

"I bought the twenty-four-pack last week. That's impossible!"

He squinted. "I assure you, this is the—"

"Useless as always, Retail Ninja." She glared toothily. "Useless."

He clutched his chest. Remembering her powers, he breathed to calm down. Her voice had the ability to induce abnormal amounts of anxiety. If not prepared, she could drive anyone to have a panic attack. Even Retail Ninja couldn't handle her for long. He had to make this a quick confrontation. "I can speak with the general manager and distributor to carry it."

Karen scoffed. "Well, that doesn't help me today."

The hero flinched, her vocal disappointment panged his shoulder. "I can take your name and number, then call—"

"And now you're trying to sell my information! What kind of crazy establishment is this? I should report you to the Better Business Bureau."

Backpedaling, Retail Ninja was at the end of his rope. He underestimated Karen's skill as a social deviant. Her grin told him she was winning. His sense of balance was off, and the lane spun.

"You're worthless, Retail Ninja," she spat. Slapping the counter, Karen growled. "Now get me the manager."

His vision faded. He felt as if he was falling. Reaching out in desperation, Retail Ninja tried to grab the register. Her words repeated within his mind. Useless and worthless. He knew better, but she was too strong. An inky vortex sapped his energy beneath him. "I…" he thought. "I need to fight back."

A snap clicked in front of him. Karen's blurry hand was raised when another snap broke his concentration. A third accompanied a fourth inside him. The anxiety and stress melted away. Her sense of urgency transformed into zen. His sight was clear, and everything became numb.

It was always Karen's downfall. She caused too much stress for one’s being, it forced the body to either collapse or adapt. Retail Ninja’s mind was in a state of zen, and his instincts kicked in. "There's nothing the manager can do," he uttered.

"What?" Karen sneered and clacked the puny countertop with her nails. "What are you doing standing around? Go get me the manager!"

Unphased and unafraid, Retail Ninja stepped back on the lane's fatigue mat. "We can't make the product appear from thin air, Karen."

"B-but I need more coffee."

The answer was clear. Clarity washed over, slowly turning into a fighting spirit. The ninja leaned closer over the scanner. "Then buy more smaller packs."

A silent tension peaked between them. Her body shook before she shrieked, "I will not be spoken to that way!"

She backflipped onto the check lane behind her, and Retail Ninja swung away using his rope of stickers. The moment he reached the rafters, he parried the incoming sharpened credit cards. Throwing one of his box cutters, he watched as Karen retrieved two of her folding, checkbook fans to block them. Back and forth, they traded attacks while knives and cards littered the floor.

Knowing the projectile game could not be won, he rappelled down near the customer service counter. "Leave now while you can, Karen."

"Not until I see the manager!" She stuffed each of her hands into a purse and produced two snarling, brown Chihuahuas. "Tiffany, Giacomo! Sic 'im!"

The dogs leaped forward and yipped demonically. They were faster than any pet Retail Ninja has seen. He fled towards the pharmacy, only to peek behind to see the dogs were gaining ground.

"That's it," Karen cackled. "Get him, my emotional support puppers!"

Retail Ninja recognized the terrifying situation he was in. He had to handle the tiny creatures with care. No antagonizing words or actions could fall upon them, lest the supermarket be subjected to a lawsuit. There was only one solution. He sprinted away. "I'll cut through home goods," he thought, "then cross the paper aisle." The goal was in sight, and the dogs were at his ankles. Could he make it before one of them latched on?

Turning the corner, he went into the pet aisle. Retail Ninja knew the exact location. Third four-foot section on the left side. Second row from the bottom. Right in the middle. He snatched two chew bones, ripped off the packaging, and made a mental note to damage them out as he dropped them on the floor.

Tiffany and Giacomo's yips transformed from violent to joyful. Their nails clattered on the linoleum, skidding to a stop when they collected their treasures. Retail Ninja knelt to pet their heads. "Poor things," he murmured. He looked to the front of the store. Karen was still on the loose.

Swinging by the rafters, he landed with a roll at the customer service desk. It was just as he feared. The general manager, Mike, was bound and gagged, and Karen's heel rested on the raised rump. Karen's phone was in hand. Elevator music blared obnoxiously through its speaker.

She screeched, "What did you do to my babies?"

"Gave them love and affection. Something you don't possess. Hang up the phone."

"I'm waiting for the next available customer service agent."

Retail Ninja smirked. "You don't know, do you?"

"Wh-what don't I know?"

"The customer service line has your number blacklisted. You'll never hear from that agent, Karen. You're destined to wait forever."

Karen's thumb pressed on the screen feverishly until she plopped it in one of her open purses. "No matter. I have your GM, and he's ready to make everything right"—she bent over, glaring at Mike's trembling face—"Just… for… me!"

Shaking his head, Retail Ninja stepped forward. "You never learn, Karen. You really don't. Why won't you admit defeat?"

She sneered. "And why would I?"

Retail Ninja closed the distance between hero and villain. Her shiny, red lipstick was reminiscent of a puddle of blood. "Your confidence is your true weakness."

He flicked a sticker, covering her mouth. As her yells muffled, Retail Ninja wrapped the remnants of his roll around her, tying it off with a knot. Karen fell to her butt, and Retail Ninja brandished his price gun. "Just when you think you've won, you forget the power of a clerk."

Pressing a few buttons on his gun's touchscreen, he pointed it at her mouth. "Kruel Karen…" He scanned the barcode, checked the screen, and scoffed. "You are worthless," he declared, flipping the gun to show her the bright red words.

She flailed. Her heels flew as she kicked and screamed. The crowd of customers cheered while a few untied the general manager. Just as the noise hushed, Tiffany and Giacomo hurried to their master's side. Biting the bottom cuffs of Karen's pants, they dragged her out the front entrance.

Mike limped to Retail Ninja's side after the menace left the premises. "I'll ban her from the store."

"It won't do any good, Mike. You didn't inform her while she was here."

The manager scowled. "So, she'll be back."

Retail Ninja huffed. "At least not here. She'll likely head to another location."

"I can't thank you enough. You've saved us agai—"

Hearing enough, Retail Ninja ran up a support pillar. He knew he was thanked and revered, but there was still a store to watch.