Retail Ninja - 2. Chapter 2

The holiday hiring season. Retail Ninja found it to be an enjoyable yet trying time of the year. Eager people were looking for an additional cash flow for family Christmas presents. Will they last? Will they work? Will they earn their check? He left the interviews for Mike to perform, but he always found a way to eavesdrop on them. Someday, the general manager would find the walkie-talkie taped to the back of the desk drawer.

Susie Whatshername? Solid. Ready to start immediately on the weekend night shifts.

Trevor Whatshisface? Retail Ninja could smell the ganja through the ventilation system. As long as he came to work sober, there would be no problem.

Zanaya Williams? Her resume was lacking, but Retail Ninja heard the confidence in her voice. She was a strong pick.

After the fourth interview, Retail Ninja felt confident in Mike's decision-making and ventured around the rafters. All was calm, but in three weeks’ time, the store would be slammed from open to close. He knew no matter how many were hired, it would never be enough. The neverending waves of patrons would flock to the supermarket for their familial recipe ingredients.

Feeling peckish, he snuck into the back dock. Years ago, he discovered a set of old rooms up a rickety staircase. The management team considered it unsafe and never had extra in the remodeling budget to fix it all. Finding his way into the rooms, Retail Ninja crafted his lair.

The Sanctum of Savings. It housed everything he needed. Cases of sticker rolls, a battery charging station for his price gun, and hatches leading to various sections of the store. All of his tools and throwables were housed there. A hatch with a fireman’s pole led to a small garage that stored the Basgocart, his motorized shopping cart. Retail Ninja recalled the long summer nights he spent retrofitting the wall underneath the truck bay doors to lift when he needed to chase getaway thieves and robbers.

Snacking on a protein bar, he sighed. There had been less mischief and wrongdoing in the store as of late. “Means we’ll have a rough holiday season,” he mumbled to himself. The hero compared the season to Groundhog’s Day. If there was low crime leading up to November, the store would have plenty of trouble around Thanksgiving and Christmas. A steady stream of loss prevention issues meant they will persist through the following months at a leisurely rate.

After resting for a few minutes, Retail Ninja tidied his mess and refilled his utility belt. While he never conducted training sessions for new clerks, viewing them from afar was a guilty pleasure. He left the Sanctum of Savings and ran along the rafters with the intention of reaching the customer service area. Last night, Mike’s first wave of hires started, and Retail Ninja wanted to see how they fared. The rumors were bland, aside from one. As he perched on the metal beam, the ill news seemed to be true.

A long, serpentine line of angry customers with receipts and bags of unwanted or damaged goods stretched from the counter to the store entrance. It was a maddening scene. The two clerks working were completely apologetic, handing out gift cards and refunds at an impressive pace. Retail Ninja found the conversations odd as he eavesdropped.

“You guys didn’t do this for me last night!”

“Your night shift needs to learn a thing or two.”

“I’ll never come here at night again.”

The complaints were alarming. Retail Ninja had a hard time believing what was being said. After the tenth customer had pointed their finger at the night service, the hero decided to hear the other side of the story. Something had to be incorrect, and while he wanted to have faith in his fellow employees, the evidence was too damning. Throughout the hours leading to shift change, Retail Ninja wondered what kind of actions and behavior could have led to this event. Was it poor training? Impossible. The customer service employees were considered the best of the best. Yet, the conundrum still existed. Only time would tell as the evening clerks clocked in.

The store entrance doors opened, and Retail Ninja saw the reason for the whole problem.

Slowly approaching the time clock, the android rolled on its treads. The bulky, metal figure moved without step and hobble. With half of its panels painted red, the robot reached to start its shift. It pressed buttons in the most proficient way possible; not too slow as to waste time, and not too fast to cause the computer clock to miss a digit entry. Retail Ninja squinted, noticing the name tag. Manageroid, Customer Service Lead.

How was this possible? What happened to Phil? There was no news of him leaving for vacation. The desire to find Mike and ask was overpowered by the need to supervise the android. Retail Ninja knew what it was capable of. The robot adhered to every rule in the book in every analytical way. However, the Manageroid always took things too far. Generosity and tactics to retain a sale were illogical, therefore never happened when it was involved. No matter how sweet an elderly person could be, if they wanted something even faintly against store policy, they risked being turned away with a cold, metal hand.

The Manageroid working behind the customer service counter alarmed Retail Ninja. The day shift’s bombardment of upset customers suddenly made sense. It continued to do so as the android droned, “NEXT CUSTOMER. PROCEED.”

A mother with her swaddled, infant son set a bag on the surface and revealed a loaf of bread. “Hi, excuse me. I bought this yesterday and it’s a little crusty. I think there’s a whole in the packag—

“RECEIPT,” the robot demanded.

“I…” The woman grimaced and slouched. “I didn’t grab it from the self-checkou—”

“NO RECEIPT FOR TRANSACTION FOUND. EMPLOYEE IS GIVEN RIGHT FOR REFUSAL OF SERVICE. RETURN DENIED.”

“But I—”

“RETURN DENIED. NEXT CUSTOMER!” The Manageroid pivoted, looking at the next person in line.

Retail Ninja scowled and decided to take action. He rappelled down and landed between the mother and the next customer. “Stop right there.”

Both patrons gasped. “Retail Ninja!”

The Manageroid skirted to face the hero. “EMPLOYEES MAY NOT PURCHASE OR RETURN MERCHANDISE WHILE ON SHIFT. REPORT FILED.”

“Service isn’t bound by rules and policies, Manageroid. Compassion and empathy are required.” Retail Ninja held up the mother’s bread. “This is our store’s general brand. No other store sells it, and it won’t cost the company money to offer a replacement. In return, we regain the customer’s trust and further business.” He flashed a smile to the woman. “We aim to please.”

She smiled and whispered, “Thank you.”

“EMPATHY,” the service lead said through his speaker, “DOES NOT COMPUTE. NEXT CUSTOMER!”

Retail Ninja clicked his tongue. “How you got to wear that nametag is beyond me.”

“SUBMITTED RESUME FOR OPEN POSITION. HIRED FOR MANAGEMENT POSITION. I AM TRAINING IN EVERY DEPARTMENT AS REQUIRED BY HANDBOOK REQUIREMENTS.”

Realizing the reason for the android’s employment hit Retail Ninja like a shipment truck. The Manageroid was officially in the management program. For the moment, it was on a normal clerk level. Once it completed a day of training in every department, it would then be ready to take on the mantle of a store. Was it the Manageroid’s intention of taking this one? No… Mike was nowhere near retirement.

“Still,” Retail Ninja argued, “the handbook says to create a positive experience with the customers. Do whatever possible to accomplish that.”

As if the Manageroid gave in to the proverbial round, he buzzed and said, “CUSTOMER MAY SWAP LOAVES. LEAVE BAD PRODUCT HERE.”

The mother grinned and stroked her son’s back. “Thank you so much!”

Going back to the rafters, Retail Ninja watched the Manageroid for a few more transactions, settling that the new hire was acting correctly. He checked on the robot several times throughout the evening. All was well until the employees clocked out as the store closed. One by one, they left through the front door. Except for the Manageroid.

It rolled toward the back entrance, then went to the dock with the pricing handhelds. Stealthily, Retail Ninja followed as the robot equipped itself. If the assumption was correct, the Manageroid was pulling a double; first as a customer service clerk, and now as a pricing team member. Something didn’t feel right, so the hero watched carefully. The sentient machine returned to the sales floor and proceeded to scan barcodes. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until the Manageroid reached the aisle with laundry detergents. Every scan resulted in a tag printed. Sneaking closer, Retail Ninja noticed the price was increasing thanks to the robot’s work. This couldn’t be normal.

The hero leaped and nimbly landed on the top of the aisle. “Manageroid, what are you doing?”

The metal head whirred and looked directly at him. Its yellow bulb-like eyes were soulless. “MAXIMIZING STORE PROFITABILITY. CONSUMER DATA DICTATES PRODUCT WILL CONTINUE TO MOVE WITH INCREASE IN PRICE.”

“You can’t predict how that will make our customers feel. Some people come here because of our low prices.”

“CUSTOMER RETENTION DATA INCLUDED IN ANALYSIS. INCREASE OF OVERALL PROFIT OUTWEIGHS LOSS OF CUSTOMER.”

Retail winced at the disregard for emotion. “How can you think that? You—”

“WASTING TIME. MUST INCREASE PRICE ON TIDE POD SPRING MEADOW EIGHTY-ONE COUNT. INCREASE TO TWENTY-FIVE NINETY-NINE.”

A tag printed with the new, declared price. Retail Ninja cringed as the Manageroid slapped it on the shelf. “No! It’s—”

“NEW CALCULATION. TIDE POD PRICE INCREASE TO TWENTY-SEVEN NINETY-NINE.”

“Stop it—”

“THIRTY NINETY-NINE. SALE PRICE TWENTY-NINE NINETY-NINE."

At his wit's end, Retail Ninja remained quiet as he processed the situation. If the price went too high, the morning customers could be upset with the sudden increase in price. The thought of the valued patrons leaving to find a store with cheaper detergent was striking. There had to be something he could do.

The Manageroid whirred from his facial speaker. "BATTLE WON, RETAIL NINJA. MY MANAGEMENT SKILLS ARE SUPERIOR." The machine pivoted in place and proceeded to print more tickets.

When the next tag was placed, the solution came to Retail Ninja. He couldn't wait until Mike came in the morning. Action must be taken. The hero decided to play the game. "This needs to be lowered," he demanded, pointing at the original pods in question.

The Manageroid slowly spun and approached him. A new price was printed. "THIRTY NINETY-NINE, NO SALE."

"No, that's—"

"THIRTY-THREE NINETY-NINE."

The robot fell into the hero's trap time and time again. An argument was cut off time and time again until the price reached thirty-nine ninety-nine, fifteen dollars over the original. Not wanting to be caught in the scheme, Retail Ninja huffed victoriously. "As you said, battle won."

"ASSUMPTION DOES NOT COMPUTE. ELABORATE."

"Do you seriously believe this drastic increase in price will go ignored? One customer complaint and Mike will hear about it. You'd best turn in your resignation now because this won't fly."

The Manageroid's head ticked slightly. "CAN RETURN PRICE IF ISSUE ARISES."

Retail Ninja clicked his tongue. "Regardless, you'll be reprimanded. That won't look good for a future management member, would it?"

"WILL… WILL RETURN TO ORIG—"

"Like I suggested," the ninja said, interrupting the Manageroid, "you'd best turn in your resignation. In addition to increasing prices, Mike will look at the change logs in the morning. He's a stickler for those who waste company time."

Getting in his face, the metal being's volume increased. "YOU CAUSED TIME TO BE TAKEN. REASONING DOES NOT COMP—"

"All I did was try to stop you from performing unnecessary actions. Face it, Manageroid. You're done."

A deafening screech forced Retail Ninja to leap back. "I WILL NOT SUBMIT!" One of the mechanical arms stretched out, clamping the hero by the wrist.

Thinking quickly, Retail Ninja pulled, slipping off his glove. He narrowly avoided the other hand before he retreated to the rafters. The Manageroid's eye bulbs shone, beaming light at Retail Ninja. As he ran, he could barely see where he was going. No matter how many turns he made, he remained blinded. The moment he faced away, his body was grasped and pulled.

Flailing back to the Manageroid, Retail Ninja managed to unholster his CO²-powered label printer and shot a rope to a rafter. When the paper ripped from the tension, he understood the android's raw power. The serpentine arms wrapped around his body tightly. All the oxygen in his lungs left. Unable to breathe, Retail Ninja sought for a way out of the villain’s clutches. Kicking proved useless, he knew logic and reasoning were his only outs. He squeaked, “Frat… Fraternization!”

The arms loosened slightly. “WHAT?”

“Intimate contact with another associate. It’s against the company handbook.”

Letting go, the Manageroid backed away slowly. “CONTACT NOT INTIMATE.”

Retail Ninja pointed at the camera at the front of the aisle. “If not intimate contact, horseplay is also against policy. So is aggressive behavior. Regardless, Loss Prevention will see that in the morning.”

“CALCULATING…” The machine whirred and beeped erratically. After a moment, the android’s price gun dropped carelessly. “TOO MANY SELF-INFRACTIONS.” Its head tweaked, and smoke spouted from its shoulders. “NO… nOooo! NOT mANAGEmenT WORrRRthEEEEE!”

Unsure about the sparks flying from the robot, Retail Ninja ran towards the nearest fire extinguisher. Upon his return, the Manageroid’s posture was slumped. No life emanated whatsoever. Its arms were uncoiled, draped across the floor. Kicking the clamp hands aside, Retail Ninja felt remorseful. He understood the Manageroid’s desire to better the store, but its actions were not productive. Wheeling it to the back, he sighed. There had to be something he could do.

***

“Retail Ninja,” Mike said wearily, “what did you want to show me? I’ve had a long day.”

The hero led the manager to the back dock. “It’s almost closing time, and I’ve been working on this for a few weeks. I thought you’d like to meet your newest employee.”

“Newest… I haven’t hired anyone recently. What are—”

Reaching a covered object, Retail Ninja unfurled the tarp. “He might seem familiar, but he goes by the Swashbuckler now.”

“That’s… Manageroid!”

After much tedious tinkering, Retail Ninja retrofitted the sentient robot. Now shorter, his body was equipped with self-cleaning scrub pads and hoses. It hummed and pivoted. “SCHEDULED CLEAN IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. SHALL I START EARLY?”

“No, thank you,” Retail Ninja said, patting the Swashbuckler’s bucket-seat. “Your enthusiasm is appreciated. Kenny’s going to work with you on mapping your routes tonight. That way, you can clean throughout the day.”

“CALCULATING PRODUCTIVITY. VIABLE. WATER AND SOLUTION TANKS NEED FILLED.”

“Well, you know where they are.”

The Swashbuckler rolled towards the janitorial cage, let itself in, and connected the hoses to itself. Mike gasped, “Amazing. It seems so much calmer than before.”

Nodding, Retail Ninja headed for the Sanctum. “I had Richard in IT stop by last Tuesday. He reprogrammed the coding and implemented a sense of empathy and duty. All Swashbuckler wants to do is keep a clean store for our shoppers. There are fast-breaks embedded so he won’t go overboard like it did with pricing.”

“Does this make Swashbuckler your new sidekick?”

With a snort, the hero glanced at the cleaning machine before walking away. “There’s potential.”