A Journal of Anthro and Revelations - 3. Batch 45

Log Thursday 9/30/19 9:37p

Gav just went to bed. He’s been acting strange for the past two days. We barely spoke at dinner, and when his teammates showed up, I was basically ignored. LaDon and Rashaad talked to me a bit, but Gav remained silent. Not even a smile or chuckle. I think he moved my laptop and saw the sketch I was working on. Hawk-man with abs and a massive, uncut dong in a yellow thong. Fuck, if he saw that, he’ll know everything. He’ll know I draw anthro men. He’ll know I’m gay. I don’t know if that’s going to change things between us.

Do I ask? I might have to. We hang out all the time but haven’t had a lot of heart-to-hearts since we moved in. I know a bit of his personal drama, and I’ve told him some of my parental shit, but that’s it.

This is a new side of Gav. I’m waiting for the moment when he’s going to smile and ask if I want to play video games. I… I’m not in the best mindset for all of this.

***

Log Friday 10/1/19 9:14p

Watched the game. Gav and the guys did their thing. I texted him to see if he wanted TB, but he left me on “read.” When he got back to the room, he had his headphones on, crushing kids in COD. Not a damned expression on his face. Yeah, I’m worried. For him, for me. I keep having flashbacks of high school. I don’t have a good feeling about all of this.

***

Log Saturday 10/2/19 2:16p

Went shopping with Kristin. Told her everything. I could tell she was pissed, but she promised to keep it to herself. She thinks I should talk to him, but I’m actually scared I’m going to get my ass beat or something. I was so out of sorts, I didn’t buy half the stuff I meant to. She gave me a hug and told me everything will be alright. I hope so.

Walking and writing on my phone. It’s too nice of a day to stay cooped up. Not like I would’ve enjoyed that either. Gav would’ve made me uncomfortable. Going to spend some time in my head. I’ll write later.

***

5:42p

I swear, I could fucking cry. I am crying. Like a fucking baby.

Rashaad came and walked with me. Said I looked like shit. Great pick-up line, by the way. He came and asked me what was going on. Apparently, I’m not the only one Gav’s giving the silent treatment. Half the team has tried to talk to him but he won’t open up. He practically stormed out of the locker room after the game last night. They’re about to get the coach involved, but Rashaad wanted to see if I had any insight.

So I told him everything. Fuck me, I was on the verge of pissing myself the entire time. The whole time I talked, he stood there expressionless, like a stone, and never said a damn word. After a few seconds of awkward-as-fuck silence, he rolled his eyes and told me everything was cool with him. I thought I would never see the day. A football guy is okay with gay people? I was expecting to get dropped. Rashaad wasn’t a fan of Gav being hateful like that, but I’m not sure if it’s the problem. I told him I’ll talk to Gav tonight. Still, makes me feel better that I have someone else in my corner.

Guess I better gather up my balls. Might head to the store and get a pack.

***

Log Sunday 10/3/19 9:02p

I needed a day off from writing. Too much going on. This might be a long one…

Last night, I sat down and asked Gav if we could talk. I told him I was worried about him, and so was his team. Got a scoff in return. I never thought I would get mad at the guy, but I did. It took everything I had not to walk out. Instead, I asked if his hissy-fit was about me being gay.

The world stood still. The controller dropped, and he stared at me. I’ve never seen his eyes get that wide. The silence was a little shorter than Rashaad's. Turns out he had no idea. Not a damned clue. I asked about my laptop being open the other night. He said the screen was dark when he moved it.

I broke down when he smiled. He supports me, though he was a little ticked when I admitted I wasn’t sure whether or not he would lash out if he knew, but he understood my reasoning. Especially after I explained what I went through in high school. In the two months I've known this guy, I've never seen him so determined. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that shit won't happen here.

But I still had to ask what was eating at him. Gav stepped back and distanced himself again. Said it was embarrassing. I reminded him that I’m his best friend on campus and it worked. His most recent "appointment" ended badly. Gonorrhea badly. He's taking the medication, and it kills him to take a piss. How he muscled through the game on Friday blows my mind. He said he used a condom from the nurse’s office, but he got his dick sucked a bit before putting it on. When he confronted her a few days ago, she said she had a sore throat or something. Probably from a third party, if you ask me. We spent an hour talking before heading to the Caf. I made sure he knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. If the chick was being unsafe, that’s all on her.

Rashaad, Matt, and LaDon checked on us at lunch, and I gave Rashaad a thumbs-up, signaling things were okay. Gav kept quiet about his issue from the guys. Can’t say I blame him. They have a camaraderie, and I’m sure they wouldn’t leave him alone if they knew. We made sure Gav got plenty to eat. I noticed he hadn’t had as much over the past few days. Centers have to maintain their diet.

That’s when I came out to the other two. And fuck, I shouldn’t have. Matt’s disgust was evident, and everyone noticed. He didn’t say a damned thing the rest of dinner, and when we went our separate ways, I heard LaDon raise his voice. We turned back to see him and Matt getting into it. LaDon walked away from Matt, shaking his head as he joined us. The tension was thick.

I accidentally cut it when I suggested a round of Smash.

LaDon unloaded on us about what was said between him and Matt. I did my best to calm him down, but even I was ticked off when he said Matt called me a faggot. I would say this is why I kept my mouth shut about my preference for men, but this is brand new to me. I didn’t need other people’s friendships ruined because of my shit. When I tried to relay that, Gav damn near growled at me. Said we’re friends, and friends don’t stand on the sidelines.

Apparently, we got a little too loud. The floor’s residential assistant got a call and gave us a warning for noise. She rescinded it when we explained ourselves and offered/told me to go talk with the campus counselor. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but LaDon agreed with her. Something along the lines of, “don’t take that shit,” and “speak up for yourself.” Easy for them to say.

When all was said and everyone gone, I asked Gav if he wanted to see my real artwork. Man, color me shooketh. He said it was dope! When I pulled up Bennie’s commission, the big guy’s jaw went slack. He even asked if I could draw him. That… Oh, that’s an idea. What would Gav be in my world? I’ll need to think about that for a bit, but I said yes. I can see him as a bear, but that’s too bland. He’s protective, jolly… For some reason, I keep going back to rhino. I’d say hippo, but that’s a little insulting.

Rhino Gav. That’s it. First thing when I get out of class tomorrow.

And he’ll be holding a Red Bull next to his hard-on.

***

Log Tuesday 10/5/19 8:32p

The outline is done. Gav is constantly pestering me for a peek, but I have to kick him away. Nope. This artist only shows the final product. Gav, the rhino, is going to be great. Full body piece, gray skin, shirtless, black basketball shorts, barefoot in slides, and them dreads are gonna hang over the shoulders, barely covering them slate-gray nippled moobies. Fuck me, it’s going to be good.

Remember when LaDon told me gossip flies on campus? More like spreads.

“Proud for you!” “Nice, be yourself.” “Pride club meeting on Thursday.”

Shoulder bumps. “Fag.” “Fairy.”

How original. The smiles and leers blend too much. I just want my normal day-to-day life back. Everyone ignore me, let me do what I do, and I’ll stay out of everyone’s way. Still, I find it hilarious in hindsight. The most supportive people in my life are a few of the artists in class and half the football team. College is fuckin’ weird! When I first left Eaton, I was scared to death of anyone who played a sport. Now they’re the ones who comfort me. My one concern is that everyone’s going to think I’m the team’s pass-around toy. Not that I wouldn’t mind. Being the toy, not the gossip. As long as Gav gets first dibs. Then LaDon… Should I make a list? How teenage of me.

Gav. LaDon. Rashaad. Will. Gav again. Mitch. Donovan. Darren… That’s it. I don’t think I want to do any of the others. Maybe Tyler with a bag over his head. He’s too pretty. Ken pretty. Ryan Gosling shovel-chin pretty. Yuck. Nevermind. His prettiness would seep through the bag.

Anyway, Gav’s back to being normal-ish. He still has a few more days of medication to take, but he’s giving that big boy vibe again. His glances make me smile. It feels so much better being open with him. In turn, he’s open with me. Although, it’s not always great topics. He complains every time he comes back from taking a piss. Don’t blame him, but he’s way too detailed.

And I quote, “It’s like sticking a cattle prod up my dickhole.”

I quote again, “I have to rest my balls on the cold urinal.”

I quote again, “I’m going to wrap my dick in Saran wrap next time.”

I try not to laugh but I can’t help it. He’s laughing with me, so at least he finds the humor in it all.

In closing for the night, Caf was awesome. Frenchie on the grill had Philly cheesesteak. I had one, and for the first time in history, I went back for seconds. That man knows how to cook! Not a fan of the fetish, but I can finally relate to those MPREG people. I can feel it kicking. Forget the freshman fifteen. Make it forty.

***

Log Saturday 10/9/19 7:36p

This is creepy AF! Gav’s off on an away game. The room is way too quiet. Had to stick some Foxboro Hot Tubs on for some background noise. Even then, I feel like the walls are caving in. Hang on, lemme close the laptop and head to the Caf. I’ll walk and write. Have I ever mentioned how much I love the cloud?

Campus at night. I never really talked about it much. It’s very well-lit. I love hanging out on the benches near the fountain. LaDon said they switched out the lights from last year. They used to be sketchy-looking. Now they’re LEDs and alternate different colors. Nice, crisp breeze out here too. It’s almost sweater weather. Unless a warm front comes in, I won’t be busting the hammock out again. The sidewalks have these cute lamps on the ground. They do a great job of lighting the way.

Caf seems pretty dead. There’s a group of basketball players at the corner table making a bunch of noise. A couple of the sorority ladies waved at me as I came in. That’s about it. I guess everyone’s staying in tonight or ordering pizza. Sounds pretty good, but I’m already here. Might as well see what Frenchie’s got for me.

I stuck with the classic two burgers and fries. Heading back to the doom and gloom room. There's nothing but time, so I'll dive into Gano. Yeah, it was either Gano or Rhivin. I also decided to give him some sleek headphones. His favorite color is purple, so add a line or two of white… Damn, he's going to look so hot.

***

Log Sunday 10/10/19 4:21p

The football team got in late last night. I think Gav opened the door around one in the morning. I was too sleepy to watch him undress.

We just got back from Delia's. Nice little hole-in-the-wall breakfast joint. Gav insisted on paying after I woke his ass up since we missed Caf breakfast. They had pancakes the size of my hubcap. No surprise, Gav put two of them away. Honestly, he needs to record and sell videos of him eating. He'd make a killing. I suggested it, and he gave me a funny look. Then he scooped a finger in some syrup and licked it so seductively. I cackled then, but fuuuuuuuu—

Okay, call me a conspiracy theorist. I think Gav's bi. Bare minimum, curious. The glances, and now this finger lick? Hang on, I'm going to try something.

Moved my laptop and I'm lying on my stomach. Gav's in the chair playing Fortnite. I'm going to count how many times he looks at me. Gonna draw. I'll be back shortly.

***

4:57p

This dude be peeking.

Sure, three glances in half an hour can mean a lot of things. He could be just looking to see if I still exist, but that last glance… it went a little further back.

I'm keeping my eye on you, Mr. Legg.

***

8:39p

These guys are horndogs! Everyone came over after dinner, and they acted like this was their locker room. Plenty of pussy-talk… Wet, juicy, smooth… Barf. I had to put my headphones on after Rashaad blabbed about a fourth chick he porked. Gav moved across the room and sat next to me after a few minutes, asking if I was okay. I mean, I wasn't a fan of the subject. A gay guy can only handle so much vagina. Traces, in my case. Still, I couldn't be a bad host. After putting the headset away, Gav must have sensed I was uncomfortable, but I stopped him when he tried calling them out on their shit. Boys will be boys. I see it as team bonding, and it's a factor in how they trust each other on the field. I'd be an asshole if I ruined that.

So I sat there for a bit. And wouldn't you know, I became the new center of attention. Man, these straight guys ask the gayest questions. Like, I guess there isn't a FAQ page online for this stuff. They might as well have been seven-year-olds asking where babies came from.

"What's it like to date a dude?" "Is it easy to suck a dick?" "How do you… You know. Take it?"

My response? How the fuck should I know? I let them know I'm gay, so I might as well reveal I'm a virgin. A perk for growing up in a small town full of Bible-thumpers. Getting laid is on my "College To Do" list since I could do everything else back in Eaton. Drinking has never been appealing. Thanks, Dad. Same with drugs. Thanks, Mom.

Yet again, these guys confuse me. I get support, albeit amid some teasing. Rashaad suggested I do some research before looking around online or downloading Grindr. I know what the steps are for sex. I've seen my fair share of porn. After reassuring I could take care of myself, I glanced at Gav. He had a glazy look in his eyes for a split second before looking away. The man had to be in serious thought about something. I might ask about it later.

The fellas are hitting the weight room early in the morning, and Gav said he needs to go now that he’s back to 100%. He’s turning in, and I’m about to go ham on Gano. After tonight, I think I’ll only have shading to do.

***

Log Tuesday 10/12/19 8:29p

Gav’s being pouty again, just like last week. I’ve tried several times, but he insists it’s something only he can figure out. For the umpteenth time, I let him know I’m here if he needs to talk. I’m not sure what’s going on. He hasn’t made an “appointment” for the room, and his schedule has been the same. Between that and his demeanor, he hasn’t gotten laid again. This has to be personal for him. I hope he’s going to be okay. He’s still eating like a vacuum cleaner, so it can’t be that serious.

Darren was over for a bit. He wanted me to look over his paper for our English class. There’s a premise for his essay, but man… This guy needs to learn to Google some synonyms. Slap some big words in there. His punctuation and grammar are on point, which is a godsend. He just needs to work on his creativity a bit. He’s a quick learner, just like Gav with his math. I guess I have a bit of tutoring skill in me.

Kristin and I hung out in the graphics lab for a bit after dinner yesterday, and she’s worse than the guys. “Go get laid,” she says. Jesus, sex can’t be the answer to everything, can it? I’ve been thinking about it since I came out to everyone. Is it that easy? Just… Hop online, find someone to have sex with? It can’t be. I hate to be a hopeless nerd that looks for a nice guy that wants to have meaningful sex, but it would be my first time. That’s what I want, but logically, I don’t think I’ll have that option. There’s twelve people in the campus Pride club. Seven are straight allies. Cool, but unfortunate. Three are girls, and the last one is Dalton. God bless the kid. Great spirit and attitude, but not what I’m looking for.

Maybe I’ll create a blank account on Grindr. See who else is in the city, chat with a few people, form a connection…

***