Lone Wolf Ranch - 19. Chapter 19

Connor

“I’m going to have the hired hands finish bringing in the hay tomorrow. I think it’s time all the pups around here get a solid knowledge of the history and legends of shifters. I’ve asked Drake to spend the day in my library with all of you. He can give you some insights you won’t find in the manuscripts.” Shamus looked at Connor and Ronin and added, “I called Otto Bjornberg. He said you boys are welcome to drop by Wednesday morning. He hinted that you could have lunch with them if you timed it right.”

Connor nodded, then asked, “And when will you and I talk to the other wolf families?”

Shamus explained, “After dinner last night, Drake suggested that he call those families and let them know I would be contacting them. He feels that a sudden call from me might cause them undue stress, and I agree. We’ll meet with them when they say they are ready and not a day before.”

Connor nodded his agreement as he tried to stifle a huge yawn. He had never imagined that driving a tractor all day could be so tiring, but he realized that he was physically and mentally exhausted. He picked up Danny and carried the sleepy boy up to the shower. He washed Danny first, then sent him to bed after watching the boy dry most of his body. Once Connor was alone, he stood and let the hot water relax his tired muscles.

Looking down at his body, he realized how much had changed since he left home. He couldn’t believe that it was just two weeks ago that he had found his first hairs, and now he had a full bush around his much larger appendage, hair in the center of his chest, and thick patches under his arms. He also noticed how his chest and abs were more defined. If nothing else, working on a ranch was going to make him sexy.

Enjoying the time alone, he soaped up his hand and started to stroke slowly. His eyes were closed, and he was really getting into pleasuring himself. With one hand occupied in well-practiced motions, he was soon using the other to explore regions of his body he had never explored. With these new sensations, it didn’t take him long to reach his goal. He felt five strong spurts shoot out before his knees went weak, and he almost fell over.

Connor almost jumped through the wall when Ronin said, “Damn, dude. Do you always shoot like that? Mine’s still all watery.”

Connor tried to hide his wilting erection as he looked at the wall where he saw Ronin wiping his finger, gathering what Connor had just shot. He watched as his cousin rubbed his fingers together, then brought them to his nose and sniffed. Connor giggled just a bit, then said, “If ya want the whole experience, ya gotta taste it.”

Ronin shivered a bit as he rinsed his hand off and said, “Thanks, cuz, but I’ll leave that to the girls. But hey, I wasn’t trying to spy on you or anything. I just came in to shower, and you were so into it, I didn’t feel right interrupting.” Suddenly, Ronin got a bit shy, then quietly asked, “Does fingering your butt really feel that good?”

Connor shrugged as he stepped out of the shower, “That’s the first time I’ve done it, but yeah, it was amazing. You should try it.” He then got an evil grin as he sat on the closed toilet lid and said, “So now I get to sit here and watch you jerk off?”

Ronin just smirked as he replied, “Whatever floats your boat, cuz. I know I like girls, but me and the twins have stroked each other off before. You won’t bother me by perving on my hot bod while I take care of business.”

Ronin proceeded to soap up his own hard member and start enjoying himself. Connor smirked and shook his head. He then reached in, turned the water to cold, and ran from the bathroom, giggling like a little kid while Ronin screamed about getting revenge. Once he was in the bedroom and sure that Ronin wasn’t chasing him, Connor finished drying off. He turned to say something to Danny, only to see the boy was sound asleep.

Connor was tired, but his mind kept going back to last night’s dinner. He had misjudged Shamus, and worse, he had embarrassed his great-grandfather in front of the whole family. Part of him knew that things were fine between them, but in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think that Shamus hated him for that. Of course, his alcoholic mind took this to the ‘all or nothing’ extreme of expecting Shamus to pack the boy up and ship him back to Colorado. As his mind was spiraling down this path of self-pity, he heard the shower stop. Ronin would be coming out soon, and Connor didn’t want to have to explain the tears that had formed, so he stepped into the hall and looked for somewhere private where he could sulk.

Of the five bedrooms upstairs, Connor had only seen his and the one the twins were in. He knew that Katty and Emmet were in the other two, so he went to explore the one empty room. Inside was a metal framed double bed, a nightstand, a dresser with a mirror, and a wardrobe. Curiosity got the best of him, and after finding the drawers of the dresser empty, he turned to the wardrobe. Inside, he found several suits. Most were in styles that had gone out of fashion decades ago, covered in dry cleaner’s clear plastic. There were also several dresses that were also decades out of style.

Turning to the nightstand, Connor found a woman’s diary. He resisted the urge to open it, knowing that what he found would likely be the most intimate thoughts of Shamus’ wife. Behind the diary, he found a half-empty bottle. He had never heard of the brand, but the color of the liquid told him he had found an old bottle of whiskey. His theory was confirmed when he opened it and sniffed the contents.

Immediately his alcoholic mind said, ‘YES!! Just a drink or two to take the edge off.’

He took another sniff, then set the bottle on the nightstand and stared at it. He knew that one drink would lead to another, then another. No one would know. He needed something to get rid of the stress, right? He picked up the bottle, then set it back down. He stood, went to the door, and opened it a crack, listening for any signs of Ronin or his other cousins. Hearing nothing, he closed the door and returned to the bedside.

Connor continued his internal debate as he stared at the bottle. He could do this. Just a drink. He didn’t have to get drunk or even buzzed. Just a drink to help him relax, he could handle that. As he picked up the bottle, he thought about how Shamus had looked so proud when Connor was learning to ride horses. How the family at the ranch had welcomed him with open arms and done everything to make him feel like he belonged. How Ronin had spent the day teaching him, taking extra time, and never belittling him for not knowing how to do something.

He took one more sniff, then put the cap on the bottle and walked from the room. He found Shamus in his office, working on paperwork. When Shamus saw the bottle in Connor’s hand, he looked concerned but not angry.

Connor set the bottle on the desk and said, “I got nosey and went exploring. I need to apologize for that, and I’ll take whatever punishment I’ve earned, but I needed to come down and show you what I found.”

Shamus nodded as he picked up the bottle and asked, “I’m guessing there’s more you need to say?”

Connor studied the floor in front of the desk for a moment before saying, “I wanted to drink it. I wanted to just, I guess I just wanted not to feel everything for a while. Then I realized that I didn’t want to drink it. What I wanted was to escape my feelings. I need to deal with my feelings, not run away from them.” His eyes were filled with tears as he looked up and said, “I need a meeting.”

Shamus stood and came around the desk, wrapping his arms around Connor as the boy’s tears fell. They stood there for a few moments as Connor’s slow tears turned into sobs. Shamus couldn’t completely understand the things the boy was saying, but he heard words like disappointment and guilt and stress and fear. Words he could personally relate to. When the sobs slowed, he gently lifted Connor’s chin so he could look into his eyes.

“I’m proud of you. You did the right thing, but I need you to understand that if you had taken a drink, it wouldn’t change how I feel about you.” Wiping the tears from the boy’s face, he continued, “Do you want to talk with me or give Jack a call? We’ll find a meeting tomorrow sometime. I should have made that more of a priority.”

Connor took a shuddering breath and said, “I think I’ll call Jack. And it’s not your fault about the meetings. I should’ve asked.”

Shamus smiled as he replied, “How about we agree that we both should have brought it up, and neither of us will feel guilty?”

Connor gave a half-hearted grin as he nodded and pulled out his phone. As he dialed, he walked out the front door to sit on the porch and talk with his sponsor. As he opened up to Jack about his close call, the tears again began to flow. Jack sat silently, letting his young charge share his insecurities. While Jack couldn’t entirely relate to Connor's current position, he could certainly relate to the associated emotions. Having celebrated his own three-year anniversary, Jack had an intimate understanding of how the disease of alcoholism twisted your deepest self-doubts into an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. He knew how, at times, the slightest insult quickly seemed to be a blanket condemnation and how the most genuine offers of help and friendship became twisted and distorted into insincere words that were simply intended to mollify and placate you while the speaker actually despised you.

An hour later, Connor walked back into Shamus’ office. Shamus was glad to see there were only dried tears. He knew better than to expect a smile, but he could accept a lack of sadness for now. It was a victory. Anticipating a long, self-pitying apology, Shamus spoke before Connor could start.

“After breakfast, I’m taking you to town. There’s a 6 a.m. meeting that I think you might like. It’s not a young person’s meeting exactly, but during the school year, it has several high school kids that attend.” Seeing Connor’s gaze go to the floor, Shamus added, “That is, if you still want to go to a meeting. I’ll never force you to go.”

Conner quickly looked up and said, “Oh, no Sir, that’s not it. I’m just worried that other kids from school will see me there.”

Shamus grinned as he replied, “And if they do see you there, they certainly will be worrying that you see them there, right?”

Connor’s face brightened just a bit, then he nodded. Shamus waved for him to come around the desk, and when he did, the older man wrapped his arms around the boy, kissed the top of his head, then pushed him toward the door. “Off to bed with you, boy. Ronin’s worried sick.”

Connor hesitated, then asked, “What do I tell him?”

Shamus gave a slight shrug, saying, “That’s up to you, boy. Everyone on the ranch knows I’m a drunk. No shame in admitting you have problems, especially to those who love you.”

Connor’s mind was turning those last six words around in his head as he climbed the stairs. Did Ronin love him? Did Katty? They just met him but, other than a bit of stress between he and Ronin, everyone had welcomed him with open arms. They already knew he was gay, and had made a point of making sure he knew it wasn’t a problem. Would they be the same with this? Or would they think less of him. His alcoholic mind grabbed onto that last thought and fought hard to hang onto it. As he walked into the bedroom, Ronin’s reaction made the decision for him.

“DUDE! What happened? I searched everywhere up here then I went and asked Shamus. He said I should leave you alone a while cause you’re upset.” Suddenly, he looked at the floor, and in a softer voice asked, “I didn’t upset you by catching you, um… you know.”

Connor stepped forward and put his arms around his cousin, hugging him tight. As he did, he felt the tears on his shoulder, so he squeezed even tighter as he said, “It wasn’t you, honest, cuz, it’s not you at all.”

Once they separated, Connor sat on the bed and told Ronin what had happened. The only details he left out were the exact words he and Jack had said. When Connor talked about his fears of the other kids finding out, Ronin promised him that if anyone said anything bad, he, Emmet, and the twins would ‘bust them up’. As they talked, they were both getting more and more sleepy. Their final words, “Love you, cuz,” were said with both of them laying on the bed, on either side of Danny.

Connor groaned when he felt Danny climbing out of the bed to rush to the bathroom. He looked over to see Ronin grinning at him. “What’s so funny?”

Ronin shrugged, then said, “The idea of you being a dad before ever having sex,” before he jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

Connor quickly joined his cousin and Danny at the bowl, and couldn’t help but smile as the boy giggled about them crossing streams. Danny turned to run, but Connor grabbed him and made sure he washed his hands before doing the same himself. Then he threw Danny over his shoulder and carried the giggling boy down the stairs.

The kitchen was empty, so Connor asked Ronin if he could cook. When the reply was yes, the boys dug into the task with a passion. Connor was mixing pancake batter while Ronin was mixing a dozen eggs with salt, pepper, garlic, diced onion, and a splash of milk. Standing side by side at the stove, they each poured their mixtures into a pan or onto the griddle, at the same time. Every few seconds, one or the other would glance back to check on Danny, who was carefully setting the table. Connor grinned as he heard the boy naming off who was in the house as he pointed to each plate, making sure he had enough.

Both boys jumped when they heard the door to the microwave being closed, and looked back to see Katty starting it to cook bacon. Shortly after that, they heard the thunder of the twins and Emmet running down the stairs. Connor laughed quietly when he heard Katty yell at the three of them to, “Get your asses in the bathroom and wash your hands. I know where they’ve been!”

While waiting for the bacon, Katty started the coffeemaker, then pulled down three mugs before asking, “Connor?”

Without needing to ask what she meant, he replied, “Yes, please.” Katty’s reply was to pull another mug down.

Soon, Shamus came into the room and smiled at the scene. His smile grew as Katty handed him a mug of hot coffee, black, like he liked it. Connor and Ronin loaded up platters, and once they were all gathered around the table, Shamus nodded for everyone to dig in.

After breakfast, Katty and the twins cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher while Ronin and Connor washed and dried the pan and griddle they had used. That done, Shamus led them all to his office.

As he sat behind his desk, Connor spoke up. “Before Shamus says whatever he wants to say, I need to tell you all something.”

Shamus’ face said he knew what was coming, and Connor was surprised to see, what he thought was pride, shining through. Ronin also knew what was coming, and he stepped to Connor’s side, placing his arm around his cousin’s shoulder. The others simply gathered around to listen.

Connor started by telling his cousins about his first experience with drinking. He went on to tell them about the times he had passed out at his friend’s house, and the many times he desperately wanted a drink, but couldn’t find a way to get one. He was about to relate the events of last night when he realized he had somewhere to be. Glancing at the clock, he simply said there was more, but he didn’t have time right now to go into it. Part of him was shocked, and part of him was relieved, then they all stepped closer to enclose him in a group hug. When that broke, each of them gave him an individual hug, along with words of encouragement.

Shamus cleared his throat and said, “I was just going to say that Connor and I had somewhere to be this morning, but now, I’ll say that we’re going to a meeting. The rest of you, get dressed. About the time Connor and I get back, Drake should be getting here. He’ll probably want access to some books in my library, so if he’s here before we get back, know that he’s allowed anything he needs. We’ll talk more at lunch.”

With that, he stood, and they all headed off to get dressed.

As they pulled up in front of the run down building, the look on Connor’s face told Shamus what the boy thought of the place. More telling was the way Connor was staring at the group of people sitting at the picnic table, smoking and laughing. Shutting the engine off, Shamus reached over and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder and asked, “Do you want me to go in with you? Or do you want me to respect your privacy?”

Connor’s gaze stayed on the group at the table as he asked, “Do you know many of them?”

Shamus nodded as he said, “Most of them. Why does that matter?”

“Um, I might say something that might make them think less of our family.”

Shamus let out a laugh as he said, “Son, we’re all drunks. None of us is in a place to judge the other. Remember, what other people think of me is none of my business, right?”

Connor’s grin told the old man that he’d said the right thing. Taking a deep breath, Connor said, “Come with me. I’m sure I’ve done enough lately that you need to share too.”

That brought on a full cackle from Shamus, and once he’d settled down, he said, “That’s part of living with someone else, boy. I’d like to think that I’m wise enough to share without stepping on your toes.” Noticing something outside, he pointed and said, “There’s two boys that look to be about your age. I know them, but it might be better if you go introduce yourself, don’t you?”

Connor looked up and watched as the two teens walked over to the table and greeted the group. Their body language said that they were entirely comfortable with the adults, and their smiles said they were in a good mood. After a glance at Shamus, Connor gripped the door handle for a second, then opened the door and stepped out.

Sitting in the truck, Shamus watched as Connor slowly approached the two boys. Of course, Shamus knew them, and was happy they happened to be here this morning. He almost wished he had called them last night, but he knew that if Connor ever learned of that kind of interference, the boy might never trust him again. As he watched, Connor shook hands with each boy, then tipped his head in the direction of the pickup, apparently saying that he was family. Before their conversation got very involved, one of the boys suggested they move a few feet away, for more privacy, and Shamus saw how much that one intuitive move made his grandson relax even more. Once he felt the boys were well into their conversation, he stepped out of the truck and greeted some of his old friends at the table.

When everyone started to drift inside for the meeting, Shamus hesitated. He watched as Connor followed his two new friends through the door. He let a few people go in first, so the boy didn’t think he was hovering, then walked inside. He was happy to see Connor sitting between the boys. He was shocked to see the empty seat beside Connor, who waved and pointed, indicating he should sit there.

Shamus knew the routine of this meeting. He also knew that things were sometimes done differently in other places and he wisely explained that to Connor. The other boys listened, and one thanked him for doing that because he was going to spend a month at his grandmothers. Knowing that meetings might be different eased some of his concerns. When the meeting started, Shamus watched as Connor nodded at the differences. Once the preliminaries were out of the way, this meeting followed the same pattern of most, and Shamus knew Connor’s stress level would be rising.

Finally, the leader asked, “Do we have anyone visiting who would like to introduce themselves?”

Connor started to stand but the boy on his left said, “Sit your ass back down. You told me you’ve moved here, you’re not a visitor.” Connor quickly sat back down and turned a deep shade of red as the rest of the room laughed just a little. Despite the color of Connor’s face, Shamus was glad the boy had done it. It established him as a friend, and it sent the message to the boy that he was home.

When the leader asked the next question, he was looking at Connor. “Do we have anyone here for the first time?”

Connor stood, then turned and punched the outspoken boy on the shoulder. He turned back to the room and said, “Hi, I’m Connor, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Everyone in the room replied, “Hi Connor.”

Connor smiled, then said, “Do I tell my story now or how does this meeting do it?”

The leader looked around the room and knew there were no other newcomers, so he nodded at Connor and said, “Tell us your story.”

Connor proceeded to tell the 14 strangers, and Shamus, the same things he had told his cousins less than an hour ago. When he finished with his story, he said, “Since I just moved here, I need a sponsor, and I need all the phone numbers I can get. I almost gave all my time up last night, and it scares the shit, er, sorry Granda, scares the um… ah hell, it scares the shit out of me.”

Everyone laughed as he sat, then the boy on Connor’s right stood and said, “Hi, I’m Seth, and I’m an addict.”

“Hi Seth,” everyone said.

“That always seemed so stupid to me, saying my name every time. All of you watched me grow up. Hell, I’ve gotten high with some of your kids, but the truth is, it feels good to stand up and admit I have a problem. If you’d told me that four months ago I would’a told you you’re nuts.

“Anyway, so yeah, I’m Seth, and if I don’t pick up tonight, tomorrow will be four months. My sponsor told me not to plan on it, but even if I do pick up tonight, I know I can stop for another four months. I know that if I pick up, and come back here, none of you will judge me or make fun of me or say shit like ‘I knew he was no good’. Not like I don’t say that stuff to myself, you know what it’s like. Still, I know I’m worth something now, I know I can do something, if I want. I mean, five months ago all I cared about was when and how I was gonna get my next high. Today, all I care about is how I’m gonna handle school. It scares me too. I know I can’t hang out with the same guys in school or I’ll go right back to the same shit. Now, I have friends that don’t use. I have friends that don’t drink. I have hope that I can make a life for myself.” He finally paused to look around the room, blushed, and said, “Well, I’m just rambling, so I’ll shut up. Thanks for letting me share.”

When he sat down, everyone replied, “Thanks for sharing,” as Connor put his arm around Seth’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Seth quickly nodded and pulled out his phone.

Shamus did end up sharing. He talked about how used to wake up in his truck at the bar. How he used to puke in his yard before falling asleep on the couch because his wife wouldn’t sleep with a drunk. How his son had taken over the finances of the ranch because his father was drunk so often he couldn’t manage it. Then he talked about waking up, looking forward to the challenges of the day. He talked about falling asleep with his arms wrapped around his loving wife until the day she passed away. He talked about how good it felt when his sons and grandsons came to him for advice. He also talked about the internal struggle he still fought when they did because his alcoholic mind kept telling him he was no good. He ended by saying that even though he still fought that struggle, he always won, and would continue to win with the support of the people in this room, one day at a time.

Several others shared, and Shamus watched as Connor listened intently, occasionally nodding that he could relate to what they said. The meeting ended, like most do, with everyone standing, joining hands in a circle, and repeating the Serenity Prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change
Change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference”

Shamus noticed that Connor started to say something else before everyone said,

“Keep coming back, it works if you work it”

Shamus had to wait for Connor while the boy walked around the room, shaking hands with everyone and asking for their phone numbers. On the way outside, he asked what Connor was going to say.

“They made us say ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ at the meetings in that church basement. I never liked it. AA’s not supposed to push any religion and sometimes I felt like I didn’t belong because I didn’t believe.”

Seth was behind them, and spoke up with, “At the clubhouse, they don’t do that, but the local church has meetings and they do. That’s why me and Tony come here. I agree with you Connor, but some people find comfort believing in God.”

Connor shrugged and said, “It’s fine if they believe, and I’d never argue with anyone about their religion, but don’t force me to say things I don’t believe.”

They were now standing by Shamus’ truck. Seth and Tony had followed Connor, talking about school and other random things. As he reached for the door, Connor turned back and gave each boy a hug. He was glad they didn’t react badly, then impulsively asked, “If you two wanna come out to the ranch some time, maybe we could hang out. Ride the horses or something.” He then quickly turned to Shamus and added, “If that’s ok?”

Shamus nodded, then said, “Everyone’s waiting for us at the house, boy. Let’s get going.” He then grinned and asked, “Do you want to drive?”

On the drive home, Shamus had to keep telling the boy to calm down and focus on his driving because Connor’s mood was the complete opposite of what it had been less than twelve hours before. When Connor’s phone rang, Shamus was glad to see the boy resisting the temptation to answer it. Feeling sympathy, he hit the green button on the dash, answering the phone through the built in blue-tooth.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Connor, it’s Seth. I know you’re driving so I’ll be quick. Me and Tony and a couple other guys are gonna go swimming down by the seventh avenue bridge later today. Think you can make it?”

Connor glanced at Shamus, then said, “I got plans with my family all day, dude, maybe another time?”

“Sure, no problem, bro. Drive safe.”

Shamus hit the disconnect as they pulled up behind the house. They got out and started to head inside when Connor asked, “Whose truck is that, Shamus?”

He was about to answer when the owner of the truck came out of the house, followed by all of the cousins and Drake. When Connor saw who it was, his body began to shake. He felt sudden, sharp pains shooting down both of his arms, and his head felt like it was exploding. At the last second his mind cleared enough for him to realize what was happening. He was shifting.

The next thing he knew, he was looking up at the shocked face of Dakota Two Guns.