Twinks in Space: Destination Unknown - Part One - 7. Chapter 7 - Her Majesty's Hole

“To all those ladies and gentlemen who are here tonight…” the master of ceremonies began with a dramatic flourish.

The crowd cheered.

“To all the kings and queens…”

The audience grew louder.

“To all the squids and squirrels and bois and girls, and to all us kooky in-betweens…”

Those gathered redoubled their applause.

“Welcome to Her Majesty’s Hole!”

Everyone in the tavern screamed in rapture.

The place was packed. Speakers thumped with music temporarily turned down low enough for the unique individual on stage to address the audience, but the subtle repetitive beat felt anticipatory, like the music itself was anxious to get louder.

“What an evening we have planned for all of you!” the master of ceremonies continued. “I am Madame Fizzywiggle, and tonight you will see the most fabutastic and glamolicious performers and performances!”

Madame Fizzywiggle was dressed in an elegant evening gown of peach with sparkling accents that refracted the shine of the spotlights. The color of the material was perfect against her rich Brown skin. Madame Fizzywiggle also had a very thick beard of jet-black hair, and her arms were muscular. Upon her head sat a wig that was teased up high, and it was royal purple. The heels she was strutting around the stage in were very tall, but she moved with confidence and grace.

“Up first for all you cuties,” she cooed with a flirty smile, and the crowd fawned at her, “we’ve got a stomp-off! Our sorceresses of the stage will dazzle you with their gorgeocity! Please, allow me to present… Twisty Schtraw and Poodle Skirtz!”

A pair of stunning Black women stepped into the spotlight. Both of them were covered in glittering gold fabric that hugged their curves. One was wearing a massive beehive wig of shimmery bronze hair, and the other had a thick blonde ponytail that reached her knees.

Suddenly, whoever was in charge of the music cranked up the volume, and the women began to pound the catwalk with their high heels. Both of them spun and jumped and balanced with ease. The stage goddess with the beehive dropped to all fours, stuck her prominent backside into the air, and she started shaking it to the crowd’s delight. Across the stage, the other deity began to windmill her ponytail from side to side in massive sweeping figure-eight arcs. Over and over her hair sliced through the air, and when the music hit its crescendo, the woman dropped flat to her back.

The audience shrieked at the performers.

A moment later, the music lowered again and Madame Fizzywiggle returned to the stage to stand between the two women. “Wasn’t that glory-o-rama?! Let’s hear it for Twisty Schtraw and Poodle Skirtz!” They bowed together to thunderous applause.

“Up next,” Madame Fizzywiggle continued as the two left the stage, “we’re bringing out some big-body sexiness for you all!” The audience whooped and hollered, and Madame Fizzywiggle stroked her luxurious beard with a beaming smile. “Bask in their elegance; may I now humbly welcome… Mizz Understanding and The Hunk Monster? Come up here and murder this catwalk!”

The music pumped up again as two very large bearded people stepped out opposite each other at either side of the stage. They came prancing and skipping toward the center, and they kissed as they met to the crowd’s cheers. Both of them were in tutus and ballet shoes, and even though their outfits possessed an intentional campiness, the two were amazingly graceful.

One of the dancers was pale with a fiery red beard adorned with flowers. Freckles covered his cheeks and nose and even his arms. The other had soft Brown skin and dark facial hair dangling with gems. Both of them twirled and kicked their legs high. They performed cartwheels and somersaults across the stage. One dancer dropped into the splits as the other leapt over him in a splits of his own. Then they swapped positions and repeated themselves.

The crowd absolutely screamed. They could not get enough of all their talent, but the song ended and Madame Fizzywiggle returned again.

“If that was not the epitome of beauty,” she declared, “I don’t know what is! Scream for our gals!”

Mizz Understanding and The Hunk Monster bowed to the utter chaotic ovation that came from the onlookers.

The music took a dramatic turn and became eerie, and Madame Fizzywiggle declared, “We now take you beyond reality! No introduction is needed for these scrumptious otherworldly creatures. I give you Deedee Struction, Princess Petunia, and the mysterious Voidia!”

As she left the stage, a squid, a frog, and a tree stepped onto it. The person inside each costume was entirely camouflaged by their brilliant makeup and prosthetics. Six of the squid’s eight limbs swished through the air on their own, and the last two hid the arms of the individual within them. The tree turned and dipped and its branches moved in elegant patterns with the skilled control of whoever was inside the outfit.

Both the squid and tree moved around the stage in platform shoes, but the frog was on stilts. The top of the squid’s head and the terminal limb of the tree were both high, but the frog was taller than either. The person hidden within the frog performed a wobbly dance in which they kept appearing to teeter too far and threatened to fall, but somehow they managed to catch themself and continue the dance. The trio was hypnotic and the music accented their exhibition.

The crowd below them was in love, and they screamed their delight at the breathtaking monstrosities onstage.

Behind the bar, Jintrin and Stawren were slinging drinks, and Phentrom and Lyoth were seated at the counter. They were both wearing costumes.

Before the show began, Stawren had mentioned disguises, and Lyoth was enthusiastic to let her dress him. Phentrom initially felt unsure. He did not understand how they were going to change their appearance so drastically, but once he saw the ensemble that was starting to come together for Lyoth, Phentrom also became excited. Their outfits looked immaculate, and no one from the Ulaa-Lah would have recognized them.

“It’s a particularly zany night!” Jintrin called out to Phentrom and Lyoth.

Lyoth replied to him through the cheering, “This is so much more than either of us realized, expected, or understood about what you two had planned.”

“Thank you,” Phentrom added a little too quietly, “you are both very compassionate.”

“What did you say?” Stawren squawked over the music.

Lyoth smirked at Phentrom. “He said he likes you both,” Lyoth yelled, “and that he appreciates what you’ve done for us.”

Phentrom leaned toward Lyoth as another energetic song began, and he asked, “Do you want to dance?”

Lyoth’s eyes sparkled. “I’d love to!”

The two men rose from the bar and headed out onto the crowded dancefloor. They were both dressed as women.

Lyoth was wearing a black corset and a stuffed bra. His face was covered in dramatic makeup that significantly accented his eyes and lips. He was in a red and black miniskirt with fishnets and kitten heels, and atop his head was a black wig done up in a large bun with decorative sticks stuck into it. Lyoth had been surprised that Stawren owned shoes in his and Phentrom’s sizes, but as the show’s performers arrived that evening, it became clear why she had a collection of clothes that were far too big for her; all the women who were performing on stage were actually men.

Phentrom beamed at Lyoth. He was in an elegant white dress. Stawren had padded the slender mandroid’s hips and backside to give him more curves, and she cinched his waist with a corset underneath as well. He was in pale stockings and white pumps. Phentrom’s face was also done up, but with subtler makeup than Lyoth’s, and a platinum blonde wig was on his head, styled into a teased-up bob.

As Phentrom and Lyoth stepped out onto the dance floor, they drew quite a lot of compliments.

“Look at these stunning queens!”

“Oooh, faces smashed for the stars and moons and planets!”

“Who gave them permission to be more gorgeous than me?”

“It don’t take much to get gorgjucier than you, and these two is deliciousness!”

People all around cackled and playfully jeered and flirted with Lyoth and Phentrom over the music.

“Those gals are so foine!”

“Couldn’t you just sop them up like a biscuit?”

“I’d give ’em a cuddle!”

“They’re almost too hot!”

“Would you two be my mommies?”

The mandroid pulled his beloved close, and the two men danced.

Many more performers entertained the crowd until the wee hours of the morning, and eventually all the guests headed away from Her Majesty’s Hole for breakfast or sleep or passion.

“Stawren is unconscious in the back,” Jintrin whispered to Lyoth and Phentrom. “Here,” he added as the two men attempted to remove their wigs, “let me help you with those. My daughter pinned them onto you so they’d be secure.” Jintrin reached up and helped Lyoth and then Phentrom.

“Thank you,” the mandroid replied. Both the men placed the styled hair onto the bar.

“Also, you fellas got quite a few donations.” Jintrin pointed at a box on a table in the corner.

Lyoth kicked off his heels, groaned at his sore feet, and he wiggled his toes. He stood and headed over to grab the box. “Wow, look at all these clothes,” he exclaimed, carrying the crate over to Phentrom.

“Jintrin, your patrons were incredibly generous,” the mandroid added. He lifted a garment. “I’ve never seen fabric like this.”

“It’s traditional Allarein garb, the clothes my people have worn for centuries.” Jintrin smiled. “And we found out that in two days, a fellow Allarei woman is making the voyage back to our planet Allthrin. A plague wiped out much of our population, so now many of the Allarei who had moved away from Allthrin are returning. I have no plans to leave the Hole anytime soon, but you two will be able to find everything you need. Stawren has made the trip to Allthrin a few times in the past year, and she wants to go with you, but we both think you three should travel as refugees. You’ll be able to hide better, rather than arriving on the planet in a private ship.”

“But aren’t we likely to attract attention to ourselves since we don’t have Blue skin?” Lyoth asked.

“Neither does Stawren.”

Phentrom and Lyoth looked at each other and then back at Jintrin.

“I think we both thought she was adopted,” Phentrom responded.

Jintrin smiled. “Her mother wasn’t Allarei, and outwardly, Stawren takes after her dearly departed mom. Inside, however, Stawren is like her old man.” He patted his bare belly. “Only about half of Allareins have Blue skin; the rest look like any number of different peoples. You two will blend right in.”

“I didn’t realize that about Allareins,” Lyoth commented.

“Damn you three are noisy,” grumbled Stawren as she stumbled out of the back. She stretched, yawned, and added, “With the decimated population of Allthrin, all the dead people’s stuff is up for grabs.” She eyed each of them with a scowl. “What? I said I could hear you.”

Jintrin gave his daughter a squeeze and continued. “Some Allareins are returning,” he repeated, “but there’s still widespread fear of the plague resurging, so many people refuse to go anywhere near the planet, at least for the time being.”

“Is the disease really gone?” Phentrom asked.

“And did it spread to other planets?” Lyoth added.

“The plague only affects Allarei,” Jintrin explained. “It’s because of our unique biology. Blue-skinned Allareins can trace our ancestry back to the ancient peoples of Allthrin. There are a few families whose documented ancestries reach back thousands of years.”

“Allthrin is a Category-5 planet,” Stawren continued. “It orbits close to its solar star, a red dwarf we call Athrill, and Allarein culture developed underground. A major staple of our ancestral diet comprised of a fish that we have eaten since time immemorial.”

“The fish are tiny and we eat their whole bodies,” Jintrin added, “bones and scales and all, which are made from a compound called covialtin. It turns out that our ancestors ate so much of those fish that they physiologically evolved with the mineral in their bones.”

“Allarei are invincible,” Stawren commented with a laugh.

“No, we’re not,” Jintrin replied. He chuckled. “It may be very difficult for our bones to break, but we bleed as easily as anyone else. Now,” he said, changing subjects, “why don’t I fix us some breakfast and we can all get a little rest from last night’s excitement? Later this afternoon we’ll introduce you to Neptithia.”