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- 01/01/2024
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New Year’s Resolutions For Idiots - 1. 2024’s Ridiculous Resolutions
1. I resolve to eat one of my toes every month. Since there are more months than I have toes, November and December are pinky finger months.
2. I resolve to return the favor to the dog that urinated on my leg. Even though it IS a pit bull.
3. I resolve to masturbate right-handed at least once a week. I’m left-handed.
4. I resolve not to keep any tissues near my bed. Regardless of how messy #3 gets.
5. I resolve to scare little children every day, except Halloween. Everybody else can have that day.
6. On that same vein, I resolve to tell little children that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are not real. They’re not; are they?
7. I resolve to run onto the field during a sporting event and tackle one of the players. Two if I don’t get caught.
8. I resolve to eat my vegetables with every meal. Then force myself to vomit afterward.
9. I resolve to eat three large boxes of candy on Valentine’s day. No, make it five.
10. I resolve to push my brother down the stairs, at least once. Twice if he doesn’t kill me the first time.
11. I resolve to shoot myself in the head every month. Wait, that won’t work, will it?
12. I resolve to shit on my annoying neighbor’s lawn under a bright sun. Regardless of his collection of twenty-one guns.
13. I resolve to break one bone every month. And not the ones in the toes I’m eating.
14. I resolve to take up jogging. And do it until I throw up. Every day.
15. I resolve to see how many raisins I can stick up my nose. Then try to break the record the next month.
16. I resolve to not forget I have raisins in my nose.
17. I resolve to think about food every day. Not eat it, just think about it.
18. I resolve to never empty my mailbox. E or snail.
19. I resolve to put the fox in the henhouse. Monthly.
20. I resolve to throw my pitches at the batter’s heads. Hard.
21. On that same vein, I resolve to always shoot the puck at the opponents heads. Again, hard.
22. I resolve to not break any of the above resolutions. At least not until January 2nd.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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