- Author
- 01/01/2024
- 403 Words
- 652 Views
- 24 Comments
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
New Year’s Resolutions For Idiots - 1. 2024’s Ridiculous Resolutions
1. I resolve to eat one of my toes every month. Since there are more months than I have toes, November and December are pinky finger months.
2. I resolve to return the favor to the dog that urinated on my leg. Even though it IS a pit bull.
3. I resolve to masturbate right-handed at least once a week. I’m left-handed.
4. I resolve not to keep any tissues near my bed. Regardless of how messy #3 gets.
5. I resolve to scare little children every day, except Halloween. Everybody else can have that day.
6. On that same vein, I resolve to tell little children that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are not real. They’re not; are they?
7. I resolve to run onto the field during a sporting event and tackle one of the players. Two if I don’t get caught.
8. I resolve to eat my vegetables with every meal. Then force myself to vomit afterward.
9. I resolve to eat three large boxes of candy on Valentine’s day. No, make it five.
10. I resolve to push my brother down the stairs, at least once. Twice if he doesn’t kill me the first time.
11. I resolve to shoot myself in the head every month. Wait, that won’t work, will it?
12. I resolve to shit on my annoying neighbor’s lawn under a bright sun. Regardless of his collection of twenty-one guns.
13. I resolve to break one bone every month. And not the ones in the toes I’m eating.
14. I resolve to take up jogging. And do it until I throw up. Every day.
15. I resolve to see how many raisins I can stick up my nose. Then try to break the record the next month.
16. I resolve to not forget I have raisins in my nose.
17. I resolve to think about food every day. Not eat it, just think about it.
18. I resolve to never empty my mailbox. E or snail.
19. I resolve to put the fox in the henhouse. Monthly.
20. I resolve to throw my pitches at the batter’s heads. Hard.
21. On that same vein, I resolve to always shoot the puck at the opponents heads. Again, hard.
22. I resolve to not break any of the above resolutions. At least not until January 2nd.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.
-
3
-
17
-
2
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Recommended Comments
Chapter Comments
-
Newsletter
Sign UpSign Up and get an occasional Newsletter. Fill out your profile with favorite genres and say yes to genre news to get the monthly update for your favorite genres.