Permanently Black and Blue - 6. Chapter 6

Shaun watched as the bikers chased after Jesse and his idiot girlfriend. He’d noticed the two, leather-clad mongrels messing with Emily long before Jesse had. He’d hoped she’d join up with them and go have a gang bang, but apparently, she wanted Jesse more. Shaun wasn’t surprised. He understood the sentiment.

He was worried. He jumped off the stage and peered out the nearest window. He’d beat some biker ass if they were bothering Jesse.

An intervention wasn’t needed. Jesse and Emily drove out of the lot in what he recognized as Jesse’s mom’s van. The group of bikers waved their fists and spat profanity, but they didn’t continue the chase.

“Who the fuck was that?” Danny asked when he returned to the stage.

Shaun shrugged. His guitar was in its case and the cords to his amp were reeled in. There wasn’t much left to do by this point, but he put his head down and made himself look busy to avoid questioning.

He wasn’t getting away with it that easily.

“Yeah, who was that?” Ben cut in. “Was that one of your friends from school?”

“Yep,” Shaun said.

“Why was he hugging you?” Danny asked and Shaun bristled and squared his shoulders.

This was exactly why he’d been avoiding questions! Why had Jesse had to hug him like that?! Why couldn’t he have waited until they were alone to do stupid gay shit like that?!

“I don’t know,” he grumbled.

“No, seriously, he was all over you!” Danny laughed.

“He liked the set, I guess,” Shaun said in a lame defense.

Danny snorted with amusement. “Too bad the ladies don’t react the same way, huh? You might actually get laid sometime.” There was a significant pause and Shaun held his breath as he shifted his guitar and amp around. Danny watched him for a moment and then burst into laughter. “Maybe you’re fucking that guy.”

Shaun kicked his amp out of the way and lunged at Danny. His hands went around the asshole’s throat. Danny’s laughter was cut short. His eyes popped out of his head.

“Shaun!” Ben hissed. He stepped between the guitarist and the drummer and shoved Shaun back a few paces. Shaun, wild-eyed and burning with anger, clenched his fists open and shut. He wanted to kill Danny for saying that!

“We’re not fighting on stage,” Ben said. He pushed Shaun again, back to his guitar and his amp. “Go load that up and I’ll get you a beer.”

“Fuck you, Ben,” Shaun said darkly, but he followed his directions. Danny rubbed his throat, but he still looked terribly amused. He’d stopped laughing at least.

“You’re not…fucking that guy, right?” Ben asked after the equipment had been loaded into their individual cars. Danny and Will were at the bar, getting even drunker, but he and Ben sat at a table in a dark corner. The girls Ben had been flirting with all night were a few tables over, still trying to catch his eye, but unfortunately for them, Ben only flirted for fun.

“What are you talking about?” Shaun was on his way to drunk and was feeling quite nice. He kept thinking about Jesse and how cool it was he’d ruined his first date with Emily to come and see him play. The thought made Shaun smile.

“That guy you were talking to,” Ben said. “He isn’t your—”

“He’s my best friend,” Shaun said with a smile. He completely missed Ben’s insinuation.

Ben smiled back, gently. “I didn’t know you had any friends.”

“Just him,” Shaun corrected, in case Ben started to think he was popular or something.

He was ugly, people hated and were afraid of him… It didn’t matter if he was a great guitarist, or that he was in one of the most brutal death metal bands in two hundred miles, none of that mattered to anyone at school.

And then came Jesse, out of the blue. Jesse liked him for no reason at all, really. He’d seen past all of Shaun’s bullshit and actually gave a shit about the person he was underneath.

Jesse was special.

Shaun smiled again.

“Man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile so much.” Ben pointed out. “It’s kind of creepy.”

“Screw you,” Shaun said, not letting the bassist’s words affect him. He wished Jesse could have stayed and gotten drunk with them, but Ben wasn’t so bad. In fact, Ben was the closest thing to a friend Shaun had ever had before Jesse. Shaun wished he’d introduced his two friends to each other, but the moment had passed.

“Hey! You guys!” Will stumbled over with a giggling blonde on his arm. “This is my new friend…” He paused as he waited for the girl to introduce herself.

“Lily,” she said. Her shirt was so lowcut, her tits almost spilled out as she leaned over the table.

“Lily’s invited us back to her friend’s house for a party.” Will squeezed the blonde closer to him. She giggled and Will dropped his arm to grab her ass. “Wanna come with?”

Ben shook his head. “I’ve got to get back to Angela.”

“What about you?” Will glanced in Shaun’s direction.

“No… I should get back.” Shaun said. He didn’t want to go to some stranger’s house… He had to be home early tomorrow for Jesse.

“Back to your grandma and grandpa?” Will asked in a stupid baby voice. “Whatever.” He turned away, pulling the blonde along. Shaun disinterestedly watched them go.

“Are you OK to drive?” Ben asked. He’d only had one beer, which was pretty ridiculous since the owner who’d booked them had given Will a bunch of free beer tickets.

“Yeah, I guess.” Shaun finished his drink. He really didn’t want to go home. He usually liked to stay out until Sunday, but he’d put up with Ruth’s bitching and Eli’s well-meaning advice if it meant he got to see Jesse a little sooner.

After he’d stormed out of Jesse’s room the other day, he’d wanted to go back and apologize the second he got home. It wasn’t that he was sorry for insulting Emily, because he wasn’t. Realizing most of his anger was because he was jealous, though, hadn’t been pleasant. The discovery had enraged him, embarrassed him, and made him extremely worried if Jesse found out the depth of his…feelings… for him that he’d be abandoned.

Nevertheless, Shaun had spent their time apart obsessing over Jesse. He was getting used to it, too, but he was also sickened by how attached he was. It wasn’t normal to need him all the time. The desire to have Jesse all to himself was overwhelming. It wasn’t healthy…plus it seemed incredibly gay. But right now, Shaun wasn’t worried about it.

The entire ride home Shaun replayed Jesse’s rapt expressions in his head. Jesse had barely looked away from him the entire night and even though Shaun had tried not to stare at him, he’d felt Jesse’s gaze caressing him, stroking his ego with a tender hand.

The house was quiet when Shaun got home. He snuck into his room, scowling around the now clean space. Fuck Ruth. It was his room. Why couldn’t he keep it dirty?

Whatever. He was tired. He wasn’t in the mood to take a shower, or even change, so, he flopped back on his bed and kicked off his boots.

He was half-asleep when his arm started itching. Groggy, he yanked his sleeve back.

The nasty cut he’d added to his collection a few days ago stared back at him. It was healing nicely since Jesse had bugged him into cleaning it out and bandaging it properly, but it must have been pulled open while he played. It was oozing dark blood.

“Fuck,” he muttered. He winced as he scratched the edges of the wound. The blood smeared across his scarred forearm and he wiped it on his stomach. He’d have to get a shower in the morning before Jesse came over.

He pulled his sleeve up and ignored the throbbing. He eventually fell asleep.

“You’re home early.” Shaun sat up. His eyes focused on a figure in the doorway. It was Ruth. He grumbled and rolled out of bed. He trudged to the closet and picked out something clean to wear.

“You’re bleeding,” Ruth tutted as she watched Shaun pick through his clothes. “You’re not a child anymore. This little ‘habit’ of yours has to stop.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shaun growled. He ripped a black thermal shirt off its hanger.

Ruth pursed her lips together. “Your friend was looking for you on Friday.”

“I know. He came and found me,” Shaun said, almost to himself. He smiled softly as he moved to the dresser to get a pair of pants and some underwear. He had an urge to be clean and presentable, or at least not his usual ogre-like self.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Shaun gathered a pair of hunting pants. They were patterned with leaves and bark and shit like that. He found boxers and some clean socks and then pushed past Ruth on his way to the bathroom. She squawked with indignation.

“Excuse you,” she sneered.

Shaun dumped his armload of clothes on the bathroom counter. “Jesse’s coming over today. If he knocks, let him in,” he said, then he slammed the bathroom door.

Shaun undressed in front of the mirror. He didn’t normally like to look at himself, but he was feeling particularly self-conscious today.

His body was covered in cuts. The one on his arm wasn’t too bad. There was dried blood surrounding it from last night, but it had scabbed over. The old one on his thigh had closed in a red, angry line. For a while, it had been touch and go. The wound had festered with puss for days. Shaun had poured a whole bottle of alcohol on it and wound it up tight in gauze.

He scrubbed his skin harshly under the shower. His body was an ugly mess of cuts, bruises, and scars. Lots of scars. He was embarrassed, but he rarely regretted them. They always felt so good to make.

He dried off and dressed the wound on his arm. He didn’t want Jesse to see any blood or to ask any questions. He put his clothes on and made sure everything was covered. He ran a comb through his hair, even though it was hopeless. It wouldn’t lay flat. He looked better though, and he was eager to see Jesse, no matter how queer it sounded.

Shaun was in remarkably high spirits when he returned to his bedroom. He was slightly disappointed Jesse wasn’t already here. At least he’d get to greet him personally.

The thought was a magical cue; there was a knock at the front door. It couldn’t be anybody but Jesse. Shaun got up to answer it.

“Hey,” Shaun said as he opened the door. He smiled.

“Hi.” Jesse stood with his hands twisted in front of him. Distress rolled off his form in tsunami-sized waves. He snuck a cautious look at Shaun and then glanced away. Shaun felt his stomach drop. Jesse knew.

“I’m going to kill that bitch,” he growled. “It was Emily that told you, right?”

“Yes, but… Please don’t,” Jesse pleaded. He reached out for one of Shaun’s clenched fists, but Shaun jerked his hand out of reach. “She…thinks she’s doing what’s best,” he said in a tiny voice.

“Fuck her,” Shaun said and then after a pause, “And fuck you.”

“Shaun…”

Eli poked his head into the kitchen. His face lit up. “We have company,” he said.

Shaun bared his teeth. “Why don’t you just go,” he hissed, now thoroughly pissed off.

“No,” Jesse said. “I wanna talk.”

Eli edged into the room, eager to insert himself into the conversation, but that was completely unacceptable. Shaun growled with frustration, grabbed Jesse’s arm and yanked him outside.

“I don’t know why I fucking invited you here. There’re too many people home,” Shaun muttered as he dragged Jesse to the garage.

“You’ve been to my house, right? Five brothers and sisters and a nosey mom,” Jesse said with a nervous laugh. “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere we can be alone.”

The garage was cluttered with just about everything but a car. There were gun racks mounted to the back wall. Eli’s workbench of tools and a massive jigsaw were on the wall to the right. Across from that was Shaun’s guitar and his amp. It was his practice space.

Shaun let Jesse go the moment they entered. He went straight to the swivel chair by the bench and sat down. Jesse stood in the middle of the dusty room. He kicked a loose screw on the floor.

“What do you want?” Shaun asked.

“I…” Jesse fidgeted. “I just—”

“Want to know if it’s true?” Shaun finished for him.

Jesse met Shaun’s eyes. His top teeth worried his lower lip. “Yeah.”

“Why? So you can tell everyone at school that I’m a freak?” Shaun snapped.

“I’m not going to tell anyone!” Jesse said adamantly. “Nothing between us has changed. I don’t think any less of you,” he said, and Shaun sneered. “I promise if you don’t want to talk about it…that’s fine. I won’t ever bring it up again.”

Shaun clutched the arms of the swivel chair. His fingers went white from the pressure. He didn’t want to talk about his parents. The chance Jesse would betray him was high, especially if he kept hanging out with that bitch Emily.

But Jesse was his friend. He’d been worried about Shaun when he hadn’t shown up for school. He’d gone out of his way to see Shaun play. Jesse stood in front of him now, looking fearful but determined and Shaun was vaguely impressed. What the fuck had gone through his head after Emily had told him the urban legend of Shaun’s parents? They all thought the same thing… Shaun was a psycho and one day he would snap and become a mass murderer. Why was Jesse even here?

Shaun decided to bite the bullet. “I always knew there was something wrong with my parents,” he began. He stared Jesse straight in the eye, silently daring him to look away. Jesse didn’t. “They got married young, just out of school because Mom was pregnant and that’s what you do when you’re raised Catholic.”

“That baby was stillborn.”

Jesse sucked in a breath of surprise.

“A year later they had me,” Shaun continued. “I was a surprise. An unhappy one. They hated each other, and neither of them wanted a baby, but they were too…fucked up to just get a divorce and move on with their lives. So, my entire childhood was spent watching them argue,” Shaun said bitterly. “When I was growing up, my mom started seeing other men. She brought them home sometimes when dad was at work, but more often than not, she went out to see them and she’d leave me home by myself for hours because she couldn’t be bothered. She wasn’t a good mom.”

“Dad was a drunk. I don’t think I have a single memory of him being sober. He worked odd jobs but never held anything down for long. He was too addicted to the bottle to care about stuff like showing up for work,” Shaun said. “He knew my mom was cheating on him. He’d call her a whore and smack her around. He seemed to enjoy it. It was fucked up, Jesse. Nobody but us knew what was going on in that house,” he said and Jesse looked away. His bottom lip trembled.

“When I started school, mom spent more and more time with her boyfriends and the arguing between my parents got more violent. When I was five, dad broke mom’s arm. When I was six, he broke her ribs. When I was seven, he knocked her teeth out.”

“Oh God,” Jesse winced. “Where you around when it happened?”

“Of course,” Shaun said. “They never did anything in private.”

“Why didn’t she just leave?” Jesse asked.

“I swear she was a glutton for punishment,” Shaun said. “But she listened to her parents. They pressured her to stay in the marriage. They were assholes, but they fixed her teeth and brought us food when dad was out of work. They paid our bills when my dad couldn’t. They must have known about the abuse, but they were more concerned about the sanctity of marriage. My mom wanted to please them. So, she worked around their rules as best she could.”

“The people in there?” Jesse pointed back toward the house. He looked horrified.

“No,” Shaun said. “My mom’s parents wanted nothing to do with me after my dad…after everything happened. They moved away and washed their hands of us. Ruth and Eli are my dad’s parents.”

“Oh.”

“Just shut up and let me finish,” Shaun said impatiently. This story brought up so many bad memories and feelings, but there was no way he was going to stop now.

“A few weeks after I started first grade, I came home from school and Mom was up in her room throwing clothes in a bag. She said she was leaving. Her face was bruised up. Dad must have beat her after I left for school.” Shaun’s expression grew pinched as he remembered the last conversation he’d ever had with his mother. “She said she didn’t care what happened to me and my dad and that we could all go to hell. She said she couldn’t stand to be here anymore.”

“She said that to you?” Jesse asked softly, sounding more hurt than Shaun had ever been.

“She didn’t like me. It was obvious,” Shaun said. He wished he felt sad over the injustice, but ultimately, he felt nothing. “By then I’d lost all allusions of what a good Mom was supposed to be.”

“I’m sorry, Shaun,” Jesse said in a gentle voice.

Shaun shrugged. “Dad came home right in the middle of our conversation. He’d been out getting more beer, and he was already upset. I’ve never seen him so upset.”

“Mom got this really scared look on her face and she closed up her bag really fast, grabbed it and ran downstairs like she was going to run out. But Dad caught her first.”

“They were yelling and screaming at each other. I don’t remember what they were saying. There was a thump and Mom’s voice went quiet.”

“I stood in their room, listening to my Dad yell and yell and have nobody answer him. I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs and down the hall. He carried mom over his shoulder, and she was unconscious. Her eyes were closed, and her face was blank. I stood there in a panic. I was stupid. I should have hidden in the closet, but it was too late, Dad saw me standing in his room, and he dropped mom.”

“I didn’t like her very much, but I was scared,” Shaun muttered. He dug his fingers into the armrests of the chair as the most traumatic event in his life played out in his mind. “I’d never seen my mom like that. There was blood coming out of her mouth and she wasn’t moving. I thought she was dead.”

“Was she?” Jesse whispered.

“No. Not yet. I tried to touch her but Dad he…he hit me across the face and knocked me to the ground. I was only a kid then. I would have hit the bastard back, but I wasn’t strong enough. He overpowered me easily and kicked me over and over. He screamed at me. He told me I ruined his life and shit. I cried and begged him to stop, but he kept kicking me until I went silent.”

Jesse moved like he was going to come forward, his hands held out in a vaguely comforting manner. Shaun shot him a glare. He needed to get through this without Jesse’s useless pity. Jesse caught the message and stayed where he was.

“I crawled into the hallway. My body hurt all over. I could barely move,” Shaun said. “Dad gave up on me once I was out of the way. He didn’t come after me.”

“Shaun—”

“Shut up,” Shaun snapped. Jesse’s blue eyes were teary, but the story was at its climax. “He shut the door, but it bounced open again. The frame was broken from all the times he and mom had slammed it, but Dad didn’t notice. He picked mom up and tossed her on the bed. He pulled her dress up and climbed on top of her. He raped her.”

“I had a perfect view from the hallway. I was horrified, but I barely even blinked. I watched the entire thing play out.”

“Jesus,” Jesse cursed under his breath.

“Mom woke up in the middle of it and struggled to get away. Dad he…he screamed at her and held her down. He hit her in the face again and again until she was still. His fists were bloody, and I couldn’t make out her features anymore. There was nothing but blood,” Shaun said. “Then he fucked her again. This time, he finished.”

“When he got off her, he looked around the room for something. He pushed stuff off tables, tore through their drawers and then he pulled out his hunting knife. I don’t know why he had it in their room. It belonged in the closet downstairs with the hunting supplies, but he had it under some clothes in the dresser. He took it out and laid down on top of Mom. He whispered something in her ear, and I don’t know if she was alive to hear it, but he talked for so long that I started to relax. I thought it was over and that Mom would go to sleep and Dad would go back downstairs and get drunk. I thought everything would be normal again. But then he sunk his knife into her stomach. Then he stabbed her in the chest. He stabbed her until blood dripped off the edge of the bed and pooled on the floor.”

“I cried,” Shaun admitted. “I’d seen death before. Dad and Grandpa had taken me hunting. I’d watched them gut and skin all kinds of animals and I hadn’t thought much of it, but seeing my own mother bleeding out was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

“…Jesus…” Jesse said again. His hand was over his mouth. Shaun wondered if he was going to be sick.

“And then Dad fucked her again, going real slow like he was savoring it. I kept waiting for Mom to push him off and tell him it hurt, but she didn’t move. She was dead. Very dead. When he was done using her body he laid back and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. I was afraid to look away. I was afraid to move and get his attention, so I lay there, watching him, hoping he wasn’t going to come for me next, but then he stuck his knife in his throat and he made the most horrible choking sounds. He jerked around on the bed and writhed in agony. His feet tangled in the sheets and he pushed the blankets to the floor. The knife fell out of his hand and blood gushed out of his throat. He stopped moving.”

“What did you do?”

“I fell asleep there, waiting for them to move,” Shaun said slowly, refusing to look Jesse in the eye. “When I woke up the next morning and they were still lying in bed, I couldn’t believe it. How could they be dead? They lived to make my life miserable. And suddenly, they were gone? Just like that?”

“I was stupid, I convinced myself, if I went about my normal day, my parents would wake up and everything would go back to normal,” Shaun said. “So, I picked myself up, got ready for school like I did every morning and before I went to the bus stop, I took dad’s knife.”

“Why?”

“I kept thinking when they woke up, Dad might try to hurt Mom again or that she would hurt him in retaliation. I wanted to remove the temptation.” Shaun looked at his pale, scarred hands. He remembered holding that bloody knife, all those years ago, his childish fingers trembling with the evil power inside it. “I washed it off and hid it under my mattress. I knew they’d never look in my room.”

“Later, when the police questioned me, I didn’t tell them about it,” Shaun said. “My grandparents took me back to the house to get a bag of clothes and anything else I wanted. That’s when I took the knife,” he said. “It was all I had of my previous life. My parents were gone, the house was taken away, and for a while, I had to go live in a home, a place for crazies…” Shaun scowled. “I still have it. That fucking knife makes me sick when I touch it, but it’s just as well. I feel sick most of the time.”

Shaun stopped talking, realizing with some amusement this was the most he’d said in a long time. He hadn’t said this much since he was eight and he’d had to tell the police what had transpired in that bloody bedroom. The irony hit Shaun hard.

His throat felt sore.

“I wish that hadn’t happened,” Jesse said. Shaun glanced up. Jesse stood before him, watching him tentatively. His eyes weren’t full of the disgust and pity he’d expected but understanding, concern, and yes fear, but Jesse knelt in front of Shaun’s chair and looked up at him sincerely. “But I’m glad you told me. I’m glad you…” Jesse trailed off. He stared into Shaun’s eyes and then, slowly, he slid his arms around his middle and rested his head in his lap. “I’m glad you’re here…with me.”

Shaun blushed about a hundred different shades of red in the span of a few moments. Jesse was hugging him again, which was embarrassing, but not so bad. Guys hugged each other sometimes. Not a lot, but sometimes. But Jesse had his face pressed to Shaun’s crotch and far from being grossed out by his best friend’s proximity, Shaun found himself fighting the urge to pop an erection.

“Jesse?” Shaun moaned. Gently, he shifted his fingers through Jesse’s soft, auburn hair.

“I’m sorry.” Jesse sat up. His eyes were wet, but he hadn’t let any tears fall. Shaun’s arousal intensified as he studied Jesse’s pained expression. He felt a stifling wave of guilt as his cock grew harder.

“C’mere,” Shaun said gruffly. He opened his arms.

Jesse crawled into Shaun’s lap. Shaun sighed and wrapped his arms around Jesse. The chair wasn’t made for two. It was a tight fit. It took some wiggling to get comfortable, but Jesse settled with his arms around Shaun’s neck, his knees digging into his hips. Their dicks were mashed together.

It was bad enough having Jesse so fucking close, but Shaun really started to regret his decision when Jesse started to cry. He pressed his tear-stained face against Shaun’s chest and held on tight.

“This is incredibly gay, you know?” Shaun said and indeed, he was half erect. Jesse sniffled and moaned and for some reason, Shaun thought it was sexy. He knew he’d have to add a cut to his collection for this sick behavior, but for now, it felt good to hold Jesse close. Horribly, disgustingly good.

Jesse laughed; his breath was hot against Shaun’s neck. “What’s gay about me sitting in your lap?”

“You’re fucking retarded if I have to explain.”

Jesse turned his head. His lips brushed against Shaun’s throat. Shaun froze.

“You scare me a little.”

Shaun frowned at the whispered confession.

“I could never have watched something like that and…function normally.”

“I’m not normal,” Shaun said bitterly. “Everyone says I’m a freak.”

“I don’t care. I don’t think you’re…that weird,” Jesse said.

“Fuck you.”

“If I was here when that happened, you wouldn’t have had to go through it alone. I wish I’d been around,” Jesse said sweetly.

Shaun didn’t wish for that at all. “You would have run away from me, just like all your other friends did,” he said. “You’d hate me like everyone else.”

“Nope,” Jesse said. He clutched Shaun tighter.

“Yes, you would,” Shaun said firmly. “Trust me.”

“Never.” Jesse laughed at Shaun’s growl of frustration and with a heave, Shaun pushed him out of his lap and onto the floor.

“Ow!” Jesse cried as he sprawled out on the concrete floor. He glared at Shaun, tears still on his face but after a moment of intense glaring between the two, Jesse snorted and stood up. “I guess spilling your heart out doesn’t make you any nicer. I’ll remember that next time.” He punched Shaun on the shoulder. “That hurt, you bastard.”

Shaun smirked, totally unrepentant. He was glad the awkward storytime and the even weirder lap-sitting and hugging were over. He could go back to pretending he didn’t feel anything besides friendship for Jesse like he had been for weeks now. Everything would be fine. As long as Shaun kept lying to himself.

“So…” Jesse looked around the room until his gaze fell on Shaun’s guitar. “Can you show me how to play?”

“Tsk , you think I could teach you?”

“Sure. Why not?”

Shaun narrowed his eyes. “Guitar isn’t easy like that stupid game at your house. There’s more to it than pushing fucking buttons.”

“I know that!” Jesse cried. “I could be good at guitar.”

“Yeah OK.” Shaun plugged the guitar in. He motioned for Jesse to pick it up.

“If I could ever be as good as you, that’d be amazing.” Jesse shredded his fingers across the fretboard. Shaun plugged the amp in and the most horrible sound emerged as Jesse continued to strum. It was like a dying crow.

“Hold up!” Shaun cried.

Jesse stopped playing. He stuck out his tongue. “No good?”

Shaun shook his head. “If you’re going to do this, do it right, dumbass.” He circled around Jesse until he stood behind him. “Hold it like this.” He slipped his arms under Jesse’s and reached around to pull his hands into the right position.

“Like that?” Jesse’s smaller hands flexed under Shaun’s.

“Yeah.” Shaun breathed. He was really close to Jesse. His auburn hair smelled like apples. Shaun pressed a little closer, even though he knew he shouldn’t.

“What do I do?”

“You do your fingering here,” Shaun said, squeezing Jesse’s left hand over the fret board. “And you strum here.” He did the same to the right. His chest was pressed firmly to Jesse’s back. There was nothing between them but a couple layers of clothes.

Jesse turned his head to look over his shoulder. “Play something,” he said.

Their faces were dangerously close, but Jesse was so short their lips didn’t line up. It was a small relief, because if they had, Shaun wasn’t sure what would have happened.

But that was stupid. Nothing would have happened, Shaun thought grimly.

Jesse moved his hands under Shaun’s. He was trying to escape and Shaun dropped the guitar in his haste to release him. Jesse caught it before it fell. He held the Gibson in his hands as he waited for Shaun to take it back.

Shaun blushed. “I thought I was teaching you.” He snatched the guitar from Jesse and slid the strap over his head. He took a deep breath and then let his fingers fly. He ran through a riff from his favorite song. It was a difficult verse and Jesse watched him in awe. He clapped when Shaun finished.

“I knew you’d be good,” Jesse said with a grin.

“Whatever.” Shaun thrust the guitar back at Jesse and proceeded to teach him a few basics. He had to try…really, really hard to keep his patience. He made sure to keep his distance, too.

A future career in teaching was definitely out of the question, but with only a few harsh words, Shaun showed Jesse a few chords before both of them grew too frustrated to continue.

“Told you,” Jesse said after an hour of work. “Told you I could play.”

“You know what? You don’t get to say ‘I told you so’ until you’re as good as I am,” Shaun sneered.

Jesse laughed. “Sometimes I really hate you.” Though of course that statement was thrown right out the window when Jesse slipped his arm around Shaun’s waist and hugged him again, too quick for Shaun to push him away, but slow enough for his face to heat in embarrassment.

Fuck! Why couldn’t he stop blushing?

“What can we do now?” Jesse asked as he stepped back. “Please don’t make me go home. I got the whole day off from my horrible family.”

Shaun shrugged. He hated the majority of Jesse’s family. Especially the twins and the older one, Sam. They were all fucking shit heads, as far as Shaun was concerned. Though the baby wasn’t all that bad. He didn’t know enough about her to hate her, but she did do an awful lot of sniffling and crying when she wasn’t being held by Jesse, which was annoying. Brian was the only one Shaun actually liked. Though he’d never admit it aloud. Jesse seemed to be on the same wavelength. “Brian misses you,” he said.

Shaun didn’t know what to say. He shrugged again.

“He threw a fit when I told him I was going to see you Saturday and he couldn’t come.”

“Good thing you didn’t bring him along,” Shaun said with a frown. “Bars aren’t for little kids.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.” Jesse poked Shaun in the ribs. Shaun batted his hand away. “I wasn’t going to. I’m not an idiot.”

“Could’ve fooled me. You are dating that insufferable bitch.”

“Emily is pretty insufferable,” Jesse said. They slipped out of the garage and back around to the front of the house.

Shaun led him inside. “I warned you,” he said.

“Yeah, whatever.” Jesse rolled his eyes. “But you have to come over Monday after school or Brian’s never going to talk to me again. He thinks I’m keeping you all to myself.”

“Aren’t you?” Shaun asked. The kitchen was empty, and he steered Jesse through to the living room, which was just as deserted. He sat Jesse on the couch. TV was a normal activity. They could watch TV.

“I guess, I am.” Jesse sat down stiffly. He waited for Shaun to sit beside him and then cuddled, actually fucking cuddled, into his side. He relaxed with a sigh.

“What are you doing?” There was no question if Shaun should bring up the strange behavior. It flew out of his mouth.

“Using you as a pillow? Is that all right?” Jesse asked casually. Shaun nodded dumbly in response. “What’s on?”

“Ah…” Shaun stretched and grabbed the remote off the coffee table with the tips of his fingers. He didn’t want to disturb Jesse. He was comfortable. He flipped the TV on. Clint Eastwood was on the screen in a cowboy hat. “Westerns,” he said.

“This is pretty good. I saw it once.” Jesse rested his head on Shaun’s shoulder and settled in to watch.

A soft, tickling started in Shaun’s belly. It felt like butterflies fluttered inside of him.

Jesse knew the truth about him. The truth that had turned the entire town against him. Shaun had been waiting for this day. He’d been waiting for Jesse to shrink away in fear and disgust, but it wasn’t happening.

Jesse still smiled with him, laughed with him, watched him with eager eyes. He still touched him, much to Shaun’s distress. Jesse still wanted him.

The tiny spark of interest Shaun had felt that first day when Jesse had introduced himself, all bouncy energy, smiles and laughter, flared into a feeling that, while unfamiliar, was recognizable.

Unnamable, because he didn’t want to give it a name, embarrassing, because he didn’t want to admit it, but recognizable.

It wasn’t love. Not yet, but it was close.

Shaun had never felt like this before. He felt helpless. He let Jesse lean against him as they watched The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He listened to Jesse’s comments, but he didn’t say much in return. He concentrated on the warmth of Jesse’s body. He couldn’t do much else.

Jesse was a drug and Shaun was totally intoxicated.

During the dramatic standoff, Eli walked into the room.

“What are you boys watching?”

Jesse straightened up and moved away from Shaun. His eyes went wide. “We’re watching a movie,” he said quickly. He sounded guilty.

“Clint Eastwood, eh?” Eli asked.

“It’s almost over,” Shaun snapped. The arm Jesse had been cuddling against was unbearably cold. Fuck, why had Eli chosen to come in now?

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Eli said, but the smirk on his lips proved anything but.

Shaun glanced at the TV. The credits were rolling. They’d missed the end of the movie. “What do you want?” he hissed.

Eli held up his hands. “I was just wondering who you’ve got in here with you,” he said. He glanced meaningfully at Jesse. “That isn’t a crime, is it?”

“Yes,” Shaun growled.

Jesse gave him an exasperated look. “I’m Jesse,” he said.

“Pleased to meet you.” Eli held out a hand and Jesse shook it politely. “I’m Eli. Shaun’s grandpa.”

“Um…hi,” Jesse said, smiling sheepishly.

“OK. You’ve met. Now what do you want?” Shaun didn’t like this. He’d been having a nice time when it was just him and Jesse. He didn’t need Eli butting in.

Eli looked slightly affronted. “Grandma isn’t in the mood to cook tonight. I’m taking her to the diner. Do you two want to come?”

Shaun made a face. “No,” he said viciously.

Jesse elbowed him. “Don’t be so rude,” he chided.

“Don’t worry. He’s always like this,” Eli chuckled. He ruffled Shaun’s messy hair.

Shaun violently tore out of Eli’s reach. “Stop it!”

“Don’t worry. Your hair couldn’t get any worse,” Jesse joked. He reached up to ruffle Shaun’s hair, as well, but Shaun caught his hand and laced their fingers together. He pinned their entwined hands to the couch and gave Jesse a threatening look.

“Are you sure you two don’t mind being alone for dinner?” Eli asked in such a way that Shaun immediately let go of Jesse’s hand and glared death at the old man.

“We’ll be all right,” Jesse said, obviously missing the insinuation. “Won’t we, Shaun?”

“Fuck you both,” Shaun growled. He was close to getting up and storming to his room, abandoning Jesse, but he didn’t think it would have the effect he was hoping for.

Besides, Eli was done interrogating them. He smirked at Shaun and then went into the back room to call for Ruth.

“C’mon. Let’s go to my room…at least until they leave,” Shaun said. He got up and all but ran down the hall.

Jesse was right behind him. They entered Shaun’s room without running into anyone else.

“Wow,” Jesse said. He looked around. “Are you a closet OCD or something? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy’s room that was so clean.”

Shaun made a face. “Eh, my grandma cleans when I go away. I hate the smell of air freshener.” He turned the stereo on.

There wasn’t much to do in Shaun’s room. He didn’t spend a lot of time here and when he did, he was usually getting high or sleeping.

Jesse found the stack of CD’s beside Shaun’s dresser. He sorted through the collection.

“Oh fuck! This is good,” Jesse said. He picked out a few CD’s. “Ha! I can’t believe you have this!”

Shaun snatched the latest CD out of Jesse’s hand. He put it in the stereo.

“Maybe you don’t have shitty taste,” Shaun said.

Jesse sang along and started to head bang. He looked ridiculous.

“Bye kids!” Eli called through the door. “We’re leaving.”

“Go away!” Shaun yelled back. He sat on the bed and watched Jesse head bang his way through an entire song. Shaun laughed when it ended, and Jesse stumbled to the bed and collapsed beside him.

“My head hurts,” he moaned.

“Yeah, well you’re doing it wrong,” Shaun pointed out. “You’re lucky you didn’t break your neck.”

Jesse groaned. “Ow. I think I did.”

Shaun snorted.

“Do we have any smoke left?” Jesse sat up and asked excitedly.

Fuck. “No. I forgot to get more,” Shaun muttered. Between their argument Thursday, practice Friday, the show Saturday and Jesse and all his distractions, he’d forgotten about Kyle.

“Can we get some now?” Jesse asked.

“No.” Shaun didn’t want Jesse anywhere near Kyle. It was stupid and selfish to want to keep his best friend to himself, but Shaun had it in his head that Kyle would steal Jesse away if given the chance. Shaun had told Jesse Kyle’s secret, but he’d never tell him the whole messy story between them. He just knew he had to keep Jesse away from the dealer. Kyle was a fucking snake.

“C’mon. Please! I’ll stay in the car. I won’t talk to him if that’s what you’re afraid of!” Jesse begged. He rolled onto his stomach and pressed his hands together in a classic beggar’s pose. “Please.”

“You’re turning into a pothead,” Shaun sneered. “I’ll get some tomorrow.”

“Shaun!”

“I said no!”

“C’mon, please!” Jesse begged.

Shaun felt his resolve crumbling. He wondered if Jesse knew how undone Shaun felt around him lately. Jesse batted his long pretty lashes; his shining blue eyes hopeful and bright.

Shaun flushed. “For fuck’s sake,” he muttered under his breath. “Will you shut up if I say yes?”

“Yes.” Jesse grinned broadly. “So, can we go now?”

Shaun wasn’t happy with it, but Jesse promised he wouldn’t talk to Kyle. As long as Shaun kept the visit brief, it’d be fine.

Eli and Ruth had the Ford, so they’d have to take Ruth’s old van. It was prone to breaking down and Shaun didn’t use it for that very reason. Kyle’s house wasn’t far though and plus he was kind of hoping it would break down so they wouldn’t have to go.

Shaun made Jesse wait outside his room while he rummaged around in the box under his bed for money. Jesse was having a hard time staying out.

“What’s the big deal? Do you have porn under there?” Jesse laughed from the hallway.

“Jesus, you’d think you were afraid to be alone.” Shaun hesitated and then grabbed sixty bucks. His stash was beginning to dwindle. Even with the semiregular payments from Execute Invasion.

“I’m not afraid,” Jesse said bravely. When Shaun returned though he grabbed onto his arm for an unusually long moment. They were practically holding hands.

“What are you doing? Let go.” Shaun shook Jesse’s hand off his arm. How was he supposed to forget about his stupid gay feelings if Jesse kept touching him?

“Sorry, I just…I feel weird.” Jesse drew his arm back. He looked at Shaun under his lashes. “After your story, I mean.”

“Mmm.” Shaun pocketed the money and headed to the front door. He didn’t address Jesse’s comment until they were in the van and he’d found the keys—conveniently sitting on the dashboard. “Maybe you do need something to smoke. Something to calm you down.” “Ha, yeah. That was the idea,” Jesse said. He touched Shaun’s arm again as he slid the key into the ignition. This time, Shaun let him hold on. Jesse fisted a bit of Shaun’s sleeve. It seemed to comfort him.

Kyle’s house was ten miles down the road. It was another rambler, a lot like Shaun’s. At least from the outside. Kyle’s family didn’t bother to keep the place clean, like Ruth did. And nobody insisted on putting up pictures of Jesus and little statuettes of the cross in every room.

“Wait here,” Shaun said firmly as he parked in the drive.

“I will,” Jesse said. With a sigh, he gave Shaun’s arm back.

Shaun patted his retreating hand like you would a cute dog. He got out and marched determinedly to the front door. He faltered when it opened before he reached the porch.

Kyle was in the doorway. “Hey sugar,” he said. His normal put-together appearance was mussed. His eyes were red. He looked incredibly stoned.

“Hey.” Shaun eyed him warily. “I want to buy.”

“Mmm. You finished that whole bag in less than a week?” Kyle asked. He looked over Shaun’s shoulder, toward Ruth’s van. “You were sharing, weren’t you?” He smiled slowly.

“None of your business,” Shaun muttered. He felt his face get hot.

Kyle laughed. “Come in, honey.” He stepped back and welcomed Shaun into the dirty kitchen. “Let’s go in the back.”

Now that Shaun had a good look at Kyle, he realized he was barely clothed. He was wearing cut off shorts that clung to his ass indecently, and a short tank top that barely covered his stomach.

Shaun wrinkled his nose. “What are you wearing?”

“This?” Kyle did a little twirl. “Daddy dressed me up,” he said.

Shaun tried not to gag.

“Don’t judge. Most people call before they show up. I would have changed if I knew you were coming,” he said.

The setup of Kyle’s house was similar to Shaun’s. The kitchen connected to a small living room, strewn with beer bottles and other miscellaneous trash. Down the hallway was a bathroom, the master bedroom and two other smaller rooms. Before they could get further than the living room Kyle stopped to talk to a rough looking man sitting in a chair in front of a blaring football game. He was heavyset, though not fat per say, with long black hair under a baseball hat, a scruffy beard and a wife beater. Shaun recognized the man as Kyle’s stepdad.

“I’ve got a customer, daddy,” Kyle said. He climbed into the man’s lap and kissed him on the cheek.

“You gonna take care of ‘im?” The redneck asked. His hand crept up Kyle’s bare leg and toward his ass. Shaun watched, sickened.

“Yes daddy,” Kyle kissed the man’s other cheek before he slid off his lap. As he did so, it provided the perfect opportunity for Kyle’s stepdad to grab his ass. Kyle squealed like a girl and pulled away with a laugh. “C’mon.” Kyle tried to take Shaun’s hand, but he stepped away and folded his arms. If Jesse couldn’t hold his hand, who the fuck did Kyle think he was?

Kyle didn’t seem terribly wounded. He shrugged and led the way to his room. Or at least Shaun thought it was Kyle’s room, but from the posters of half-naked girls on the walls, Shaun realized that it was his brother’s.

Kyle went to the dresser. “Oh fuck…where’d he—” He rifled through the top drawer. “Shit…here it is.”

He pulled out his brother’s stash of weed, packed neatly in a metal box. The scale and a box of heavy-duty baggies sat on a desk across the room. Kyle sat in the computer chair and leisurely apportioned some bud into a bag.

“So, is Jesse with you?”

“He’s in the van,” Shaun said shortly.

“Why’s he out there?” Kyle asked sweetly. “He should have come in. We could have smoked first.”

“I don’t want him anywhere near you,” Shaun said sharply. As soon as he said it, though, he wished he could take it back. He bit his tongue.

“Why’s that?” Kyle dropped what he was doing and turned to get a good look at Shaun. For the first time since middle school, he looked genuinely pissed.

“I don’t—” Shaun shut his mouth. He didn’t want to look too protective; it was bad enough he had to deal with his own up and down emotions when it came to Jesse, he didn’t need Kyle interfering.

“What is it, honey?” Kyle soothed. He left the half-filled bag of weed and got closer to Shaun. “You can tell me anything.”

“The fuck I can,” Shaun said through his teeth. He stood his ground, but he was extremely uncomfortable. Kyle wasn’t touching him, but he was close enough for Shaun to feel the heat coming off his scantily clad body.

“I wish we could be friends again,” Kyle whined. He tried to touch Shaun’s arm, but Shaun shook him off immediately. “I still don’t understand why we can’t talk anymore.” Kyle tried again, going for Shaun’s other arm this time.

Shaun ripped away. His blood boiled. “Because I don’t want to fuck you,” he hissed. He wished he could have avoided this stupid conversation. Besides never becoming friends with Jesse, he didn’t see a way. Kyle’s presence in his miserable life had always been a given and Kyle loved to tease Shaun.

“But why not?” Kyle asked. He cupped Shaun’s cheek and stepped closer. Incredibly close.

He was taller than Jesse and his lips lined up perfectly with Shaun’s. Shaun was gratified to feel none of the conflicting emotions he’d felt earlier with Jesse. That meant all the gayness he felt for Jesse was an isolated incident and thus easier to get rid of. Here and now, with an actual gay guy, he felt next to nothing, unless disgust, horror, and maybe a bit of amusement counted.

“Because I’m not gay.” Showing an amazing amount of restraint, Shaun smacked Kyle’s hand away. “And if I was, I wouldn’t fuck you anyway. You’re a whore. Now get my goddamn weed so I can leave.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Kyle had the gall to ask. He put his hand on his hip and pouted ineffectively.

Shaun gave him an exasperated look.

“All right, all right.” Kyle dropped his stance and moved back to the desk. He finished weighing and bagging the weed in record time. He handed over the bag and then held out his hand for the cash.

“Be careful, sugar,” Kyle warned him, slipping Shaun’s money into the waistband of his cutoffs, like a stripper.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“However you want to interpret it,” Kyle said cryptically.

Deciding to ignore the thinly veiled threat, Shaun left Kyle’s house without another word. He didn’t respond when Kyle’s stepdad called out a friendly goodbye.

“That took a long time,” Jesse whined as Shaun got back into the van. Jesse looked like he’d been squirming with impatience for quite a while. He immediately latched onto Shaun’s arm.

“Fucking Kyle…” Shaun shook his head. “He was giving me a hard time.”

“He was?” Jesse’s hand tightened around Shaun’s arm. “What’d he do?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Shaun started the van and backed down the drive. At the last second, he decided to go somewhere else. He turned in the opposite direction of home and started to drive.

Jesse was oblivious. He clutched Shaun’s arm and sang—badly—along to a country song on the radio. Shaun didn’t like country music, but he enjoyed listening to Jesse mess up the lyrics.

Ten minutes later, Shaun spotted an old gravel drive. It was overgrown and almost invisible from the road. But Shaun knew it by heart.

The house Shaun had grown up in was no longer standing.

Nobody had lived there after what had happened. It wasn’t haunted or anything, not that Shaun believed in that kind of thing. His parents had been so miserable, he was sure their spirits were long gone.

The house had sat empty for years after the murder/suicide. Nobody had been interested in buying it, not even out-of-towners who had no idea of its terrible past.

Shaun had gone to see it sometimes when he was younger, riding his bike the twenty miles or so just to look at it.

Eventually it had burned down.

They’d said it was arson. Dumb kids playing around. No harm done.

Shaun hadn’t felt all that upset about it. He’d always hated that place. Just looking at it had instilled a stomach gnawing unease. He remembered all the times he’d wanted his parents to go away, to stop fighting, to shut up and die and then they had. They’d been dead and Shaun had watched it happen.

He hadn’t been back since the day it’d burned to the ground.

There was nothing left now. Just an empty lot filled with weeds and tall grass. He barely recognized it.

There was an old For Sale sign by the road, alongside a No Trespassing sign, but there wasn’t anyone to deny him the right to park here. Just for a few hours.

Jesse was singing. He looked around curiously.

It was getting late, and the sun had already set. Shaun couldn’t tell if Jesse had noticed the signs or not.

Shaun pulled the van up to the charred foundation of the old house and cut the engine. Darkness settled around them.

“Oh fuck. It’s dark,” Jesse said. His face glowed in the green light from the console.

“Yeah,” Shaun said. “I didn’t feel like going home.”

“Me neither.” Shaun didn’t know if Jesse was talking about his home or Shaun’s, but he didn’t ask for clarification.

“C’mon.” Shaun climbed out of the driver’s seat and crawled into the back of the van. The back seats were pushed down from the time Eli hauled their new armchair from the Goodwill. There was plenty of room to lay down. Jesse sprawled out beside him.

“Too bad you don’t have a moon roof,” he prattled. “We could see the sky.”

Shaun unlatched the van’s back hatch. As it swung upward the dark sky came into view. The stars of twilight winked into existence.

“There’s more stars here than in Detroit. Or in…well anywhere that I’ve ever lived before,” Jesse said as he stared into the night sky. “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s all right,” Shaun said. He was distracted. He pulled out the pot and packed his bowl. He was glad he’d decided to bring his pipe. “Wanna go first?” he asked once everything was ready.

“Light it for me?” Jesse propped himself upright on his elbows.

Shaun brought the pipe to Jesse’s lips. He struck the lighter and Jesse obediently puffed. When Jesse leaned back, Shaun took a hit and watched Jesse hold onto his smoke.

“You gonna breathe sometime soon?” Shaun asked. Jesse was getting red in the face.

Jesse pursed his lips. He attempted to release the smoke in a cool ring, but ended up coughing and sputtering like an idiot. Shaun couldn’t help but laugh.

“I saw that going better in my head,” Jesse said as tears of exertion ran down his cheeks.

“You’re an idiot,” Shaun told him fondly.

They shared the pipe for a while, talking about nothing in particular. Shaun got tired of doing everything while Jesse laid back and enjoyed his buzz, so he laid down beside him and got comfortable.

It was quiet after that, for a while anyway. Shaun packed the bowl again and handed it to Jesse. He flopped onto his side as he smoked. They both laughed at how clumsy he was. When Jesse got himself under control again, he broke the silence.

“Where are we?” he asked.

“This is where I used to live,” Shaun said. “The house burned down, but this is where it was,” he clarified before Jesse could ask.

Jesse must have suspected because he didn’t look the slightest bit surprised. Of course, he was high. “Are you scared to be here?” he asked instead.

“No,” Shaun said quickly, then, “I don’t know. Maybe.” He thought about it for a moment more, shyly meeting Jesse’s inquisitive gaze. “It used to make me sad to be here.”

“Not now?” Jesse took Shaun’s hand. Their fingers laced together. Shaun blamed it on the weed when he clutched Jesse’s hand like a lifeline.

“You’re here,” Shaun admitted. Those two words made him feel extremely vulnerable, but for once, he wasn’t embarrassed. Jesse seemed pleased and really that was all that mattered, Shaun realized with an uneasy pang.

“Let’s be best friends forever, OK?” Jesse said with a dreamy smile. “When you leave town, I want to come with you.”

“You do?” Shaun’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “But what about—”

“Just promise you’ll take me with you,” Jesse said. “Promise me.”

Shaun didn’t want to promise anything he couldn’t 100 percent guarantee. It scared him Jesse would want him too.

But Jesse…he was special.

Maybe he wasn’t special to his mom, who had five other bratty kids, or to Kenny, who had so many friends he didn’t know what to do with them, or to Emily, who kept trying to twist Jesse into her view of the perfect boyfriend, but to Shaun Jesse was one of a kind. Shaun didn’t know if he could leave Jesse behind the way things stood now.

“I—yes,” Shaun said. “We’ll get out of here together.” As the reluctant promise was drawn from him, a weight settled across his shoulders. He didn’t feel burdened; he felt reassured.

Wordlessly, Jesse scooted closer and tossed his arm and his leg over Shaun. He gave him a full-body hug.

“Hmm,” Shaun mumbled. He put his arm around Jesse. He felt good tucked against him like that and as Shaun rubbed his back, he felt a sense of contentment so strong he found himself laughing again, for the second time in less than an hour!

Jesse pulled back. He was laughing, too.

Shaun knew the moment was over as they separated, but he wasn’t sad. On the contrary, he was happy. He knew he’d have Jesse tomorrow and the next day and next month as well. Maybe next year, too, if he was lucky. He’d never been so optimistic in his life. It felt good to look forward to something for once.

Beside him, Jesse rolled onto his back again and tried to name the constellations. Shaun smiled as Jesse get several wrong in a row. He didn’t correct him.

They were still holding hands.

 

*****

 

Shaun wasn’t surprised when Jesse was affectionate on the bus Monday morning. He was embarrassed, though, especially when Jesse tried to grab his hand. Shaun nudged him away.

“What’s wrong?” Jesse asked. They’d held hands for almost an hour the night before. What could be wrong with it now?

“Not…” As much as Shaun felt obligated to keep the gayness to a minimum, he really didn’t want to. At the very least, they had to be private about it. “Not in public,” he whispered.

Jesse looked at him. His pretty blue eyes filled with hurt. “But—”

“Don’t even try to say you hold other guys’ hands, because I know for a fact that you don’t,” Shaun snapped.

Jesse pouted, but he didn’t argue. He changed the subject to school.

When Emily got on the bus Shaun was relieved. She sat in the front with her brother and her friends. He’d feared that now she and Jesse were dating—were they dating?—she’d try to sit with them. She did wave at Jesse though.

Amusingly, Jesse wasn’t paying any attention to her, so her wave went unreturned.

Jesse was more like his usual self in Chemistry. The class did a boring review session for a test later in the week. They were playing Jeopardy with the review topics. Shaun and Jesse were on the same team, and really, Shaun felt bad for the two other people in their group because neither of them knew a single answer.

“Melting ice is an example of what kind of change?” Mr. Barnes asked Jesse.

“C’mon this is easy,” the stupid blond bitch, Sara, whispered. If she knew the answer it really must have been easy, but Jesse bit his lip and thought hard.

“Uh…what is a chemical change?”

Sara sighed as Mr. Barnes shook his head. He moved on to ask the next group. Jesse had lost them two hundred points.

“Shit! Sorry! I told you I’m bad at Chemistry,” Jesse said to the group. He smiled at Shaun. “Guess we’d better study, huh?”

“You can study if you want,” Shaun said. He’d never put much effort into school, why start now?

Jesse stuck his tongue out. “You’ll help me,” he said smugly.

Shaun tried not to smile like a loon. He felt stupidly pleased, though. He would help Jesse study, if that’s what he wanted.

They walked to history together, like always. When they got to class, Jesse didn’t immediately retreat to his seat in the back. He lingered by Shaun’s.

“I wish I knew Mr. Barnes was giving suckers to the winning team.” Jesse pouted. “I like suckers.”

“You don’t need any sugar,” Shaun said. “You’re hyper enough as it is.”

Jesse poked him in the chest. “Just because you said that, you owe me a bag of suckers.”

“I do?”

“Yes.”

The bell rang. Shaun noted the distress on Jesse’s face. He stored it away for later.

“Guess I’d better find my seat,” Jesse said reluctantly. He stretched his arm out, like he was going to touch Shaun again, but he pulled away at the last second. He scampered to his seat next to Emily.

Shaun was glad he’d aborted the attempt.

Last night after he’d took Jesse home, Shaun had made a deep cut in his hip. It hadn’t felt as good as it usually did, but it had certainly got him in the right mindset.

He didn’t need to be thinking about Jesse that way. Didn’t need to be holding his hand and getting erections around him. It was wrong.

Everything Shaun did was wrong, and in his mind, the punishment fit the crime perfectly.

He tried to ignore how old that argument was getting. He tried to forget how worn down he felt, telling himself he was dirty, that he didn’t deserve to touch Jesse, and that he shouldn’t pollute him with his sick mind.

The only person that had ever wanted him was a whore with conditions. Shaun told himself that over and over. He didn’t want to let himself forget.

Class ended and Shaun didn’t wait for Jesse. He went to his next class without looking back once.

When lunchtime rolled around Shaun was still hating on himself. He went to his usual table, the only one consistently devoid of students, and pulled out his bagged lunch. Yuck. Another PB and J.

“Hi.” Jesse set a lunch tray on the table.

Shaun jerked in surprise. He dropped his sandwich. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Emily was being a bitch. I’m sitting here until she cools down.” Jesse sat right next to him, leaving very little space between them. Shaun scooted a few inches away.

“What’d she do now?”

Jesse watched him move away with sad eyes. “I don’t know, she’s mad I’m still hanging out with you. She thought telling me your story would make me hate you.” Jesse gave him a significant look which Shaun artfully ignored.

“Dump her already. There’s gotta be a better girl you can mess with.” He tried to ignore the extreme hatred that welled inside him at the thought of Jesse hooking up with another girl. Any girl.

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I’m regretting this whole thing. I mean…she was different when I first met her. She was quiet…kinda nice. Now she’s…” Jesse trailed off. He looked across the cafeteria at the girl in question. She was talking with Sunny and ignoring him completely. “I don’t know, she’s bossy and kind of boring.”

Shaun snorted. “You just found that out? I told you not to go with her.”

“I should have listened,” Jesse said. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Now I’m afraid if I hurt her feelings, Kenny’s coming after me. I don’t think he wanted me to go out with her in the first place.”

“Kenny’s an asshole,” Shaun spat. “He’s no better than his fucking sister.”

Jesse smiled sadly. He laid a hand over Shaun’s. “What’d they do to you?”

Shaun stared at their hands. He considered saying a lot of different things, but he shook his head. He didn’t want to complain. “They’re just so high and mighty,” he said. “They think they’re better than me because they have money and they’re parent’s give a shit about them.”

Jesse squeezed Shaun’s hand. He removed it right after, but Shaun’s hand tingled. He missed Jesse’s touch already.

“They’re scared of you. People are stupid when they’re scared.”

Shaun didn’t want to let them off the hook, but he let it go. He drew his hand into his lap and shrugged noncommittally. He hated everyone, but there was no reason to turn Jesse into a cynical, hateful person because of his own personal biases.

They switched topics. They talked about music and guitars as they ate. Jesse was serious about learning how to play. Shaun was glad there was something he could share with him that Jesse couldn’t get from anyone else. They made plans to practice.

Shaun didn’t want to admit it, but he thoroughly enjoyed having someone to talk to during the most social part of the school day. He’d never longed for social contact before, but he was going to miss it now that he knew what it was like. He hoped Jesse never went back to the popular table.

After lunch, they walked to gym together. Shaun had gotten used to Jesse hanging with Kenny and Eric, but he didn’t have any interest in them today. The coach put them on different touch football teams, but Jesse stuck close to Shaun the whole time.

“Jesse! C’mon!” Kenny yelled as he ran past them on the field.

Jesse waved at him, but he didn’t speed up. He kept pace with Shaun’s lackluster trot.

They were supposed to be doing… something. Shaun didn’t know what. He knew nothing about football. It was a stupid game, and it required too much running, in Shaun’s opinion. He chose to show his masculinity in different ways, anyway, like hunting. He realized walking after his team wasn’t his purpose as a cornerback, but he didn’t care.

Jesse was a motormouth. He talked about the horrible movie he’d been forced to see Friday.

“You would have hated it. It wasn’t funny at all,” he said before he launched into detailed descriptions of the weak humor.

Shaun didn’t like comedies, but he was amused Jesse thought he knew enough about him to decide whether he’d like something or not. It was presumptuous, but sweet, nonetheless. And he really hated that fucking word…sweet.

The coach blew his whistle and called the game. Everyone headed back to the locker rooms. Shaun and Jesse fell behind.

“Do you have to skip next period?”

“Why?” Shaun asked.

“It sucks riding the bus by myself,” Jesse said.

Shaun arched an eyebrow. “You’re not alone. Your brother’s there, your friends are there. So’s your girlfriend,” Shaun said. He couldn’t help the face he made when he mentioned Emily.

Jesse shrugged. “Yeah.”

They entered the locker room. Jesse had stashed his stuff in Shaun’s locker, and he went straight there. Shaun slowed. Kenny and Eric glowered at him. They looked away when they realized they’d been noticed. Jesse followed Shaun’s gaze, but he was too late to see the nasty looks on their faces.

“C’mon. Give me my clothes,” Jesse said. He tugged on Shaun’s combination lock.

Shaun put the code in. He could feel Jesse’s friends glaring at him. It felt like needles pushing into his skin.

“So, can you ride the bus with me?”

“No.” Shaun elbowed Jesse out of the way and opened the locker. “You’re being gay again,” he said.

“I am not,” Jesse said. He bumped Shaun with his hip in retaliation.

Shaun stepped back and let Jesse get his change of clothes. He wondered what Kenny and Eric must be thinking. He and Jesse were awfully cozy. Talking non-stop, sharing lockers, touching each other… “Listen. I can’t go to study hall after half a year of skipping. It’ll fuck everything up.”

“You could wait outside,” Jesse said.

Shaun yanked his hoodie off and tossed it in the locker. He never took his clothes off for gym. “I’m not doing that. I’ll meet you at your house when you get home.”

Jesse pouted.

“It takes ten minutes to get home on the bus. You’ll survive.”

“You’re a dick,” Jesse said. He took his shirt off and tossed it in the locker. He didn’t meet Shaun’s eyes. He seemed upset.

Shaun kicked his grungy tennis shoes off and changed back into his boots. Jesse when the whole nine yards. He stripped down to his underwear before he put his jeans and T-shirt on again. Shaun avoided looking at him until he was completely covered. He didn’t want anyone thinking he was checking him out. When Jesse was dressed, Shaun locked up.

“See you later,” Jesse said. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He left to get to his last class of the day.

Shaun didn’t want to wait. He didn’t want to ride the bus home, either, but more than anything, he didn’t want to upset Jesse. He’d wait fifty minutes for him to finish, if that’s what Jesse wanted. It wasn’t that big a deal.

He dropped his books off and grabbed his bag. He sat outside the front doors and listened to some music while he waited.

School was over sooner than Shaun had anticipated. Kids flowed out of the building and headed to the buses. Shaun stood up. He slung his bag over his shoulder and waited tensely for Jesse to appear. People were looking at him. Every person in the entire school filed past.

Shaun was scowling by the time Jesse came through the doors.

“You waited!” Jesse cried. He rushed to Shaun’s side and just like that, all the inconvenience was worth it. Jesse swayed on the balls of his feet. Shaun sensed Jesse wanted to hug him, but he restrained himself. He squirmed like a worm and beamed, happy as can be.

Shaun smirked. The excitement was palpable. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.”

They walked to the bus.

“Thanks Shaun,” Jesse said. “For waiting.”

“Yeah.”

They climbed on the bus. Kenny, Emily and the rest of the gang did a double take when they saw Shaun. Shaun put his chin up and ignored them.

“I have to get off at my stop, so I can get the weed,” he said as they sat in their regular seat at the back of the bus.

“You don’t have to,” Jesse said.

“What? You don’t want to get high?!” Shaun hissed in disbelief.

“Fuck you.” Jesse stuck his tongue out. “Fine. Go get your stupid weed.”

“You act like I’m forcing you to smoke. You’re the one that’s addicted,” Shaun pointed out.

They fought each other playfully the whole ride home. Jesse was fun to tease.

When the bus stopped outside Shaun’s house, Jesse got off with him.

“Where are you going?” Sam asked as they passed.

Jesse responded with the finger.

It was a good thing they’d stopped at Shaun’s place. He’d forgotten to pack the Frist Blood DVD. He’d promised Brian they’d watch it.

Shaun collected the weed from his room and a couple movies from the shelf in the living room.

Ruth was watching Oprah in her favorite chair. She asked several nosy questions. “Where were they going?” “What did they plan on getting up too?” She even asked what they were eating for dinner. Shaun pushed Jesse out the front door before he could answer. What they did was no business of Ruth’s.

It was still early. They stopped in the garage to smoke and fuck around on the guitar. Jesse wasn’t a bad player. He remembered what Shaun had already taught him and he took direction well, even though Shaun wasn’t very good at giving it.

“No. Like this,” Shaun snapped. He stepped up and forced Jesse’s fingers into the correct position. Jesse batted him away with a giggle.

“I can do it.”

“The fuck you can,” Shaun muttered. He took another hit off the joint he’d rolled and watched as Jesse fucked up again. He released the smoke. “No, no, no. Try again. From the top.”

“Give me a hit first,” Jesse said. He gestured Shaun closer.

Rolling his eyes, Shaun held the joint out. “Here, you idiot.”

Jesse leaned over the guitar to get a puff. He looked like a fish with his lips pressed out like that, a really cute red-haired fish. “Thanks,” Jesse smiled as the pot did its thing. Smoke swirled around him in artistic billows. He closed his eyes and concentrated. His fingers flexed nimbly across the fretboard like Shaun had been trying to explain for the past hour. He nailed it.

“Good!” Shaun cried. “Finally!”

“That was good?” Jesse smiled uncertainly.

“Fuck yes.”

They had to leave soon after that, but they both felt accomplished. They talked about it on the walk to Jesse’s.

Sam was watching the twins in the living room when they came in the door. He glared at them.

“Give it a rest, Sam.” Jesse said.

“Why do you get to slack off? Maybe I want to get high and hang out with my friends after school, too,” Sam bitched. “But no. I have to hurry home and wait for the twins.”

“Like I didn’t have to wait for you to get off the bus,” Jesse spat. “I did it for years.”

“Oh, so this is revenge?”

“No. It’s called ‘I have better things to do than babysit a thirteen-year-old’.”

Sam’s face turned red. “I don’t need babysitting, but I could use a hand with these two retards.”

“Hey!” Tyler cried. He sat, quiet and well-behaved on the couch next to Allison, who was also on her best behavior.

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Looks like you’ve got it handled. And I’m back. I’m here, OK? Relax.” He toed his shoes off and dropped his bookbag by the door. Shaun followed his example.

Sam wasn’t done. He folded his arms and glared even harder. “Bet you’re going upstairs.”

“Damned right we are,” Shaun sneered. “Neither of us wants to deal with your shitty attitude.”

Jesse grabbed Shaun’s wrist and pulled him to the stairs. “Let it go,” he said.

“No, you’re getting high again!” Sam shouted after them. “Fucking stoners.”

“We already smoked a blunt,” Shaun tossed over his shoulder. “We don’t need your fucking permission.”

“Oh my God,” Jesse said once they were alone in his room. He shook his head. He climbed up to his bunk and sprawled out on the blankets. “Come lay with me?”

Shaun sighed, but he wasn’t about to deny his friend. He followed Jesse up the ladder and laid beside him. “Your brother’s a brat,” he said.

“He’s jealous,” Jesse said. “I don’t know what to do about it.”

“It’s a phase,” Shaun said.

“Yeah, until he finds someone to smoke with.” Jesse covered his face. “I was his age when I smoked the first time.”

“I was younger,” Shaun said.

“Ugh.” Jesse rolled over. He looked into Shaun’s eyes. “We’re being hypocrites.”

“I’m not smoking with your little brother,” Shaun said through his teeth.

Jesse bit his lip. “I’m not asking you too,” he said. “But I wish he’d stop hating me. I’m not kidding, I took care of that kid when he was a baby. I took care of the twins and Brian… I take care of Lissa all week long. It’s nice knowing Sam’s got the twins for an hour or two, so I can do my own thing. Just for a little bit. Christ, I’m always taking care of everyone! Why is it so bad I take a break here and there?”

“It’s not,” Shaun said.

Jesse closed his eyes and groaned. “I’m tired. I wish I could take a nap and not feel like a selfish loser for wanting to rest.”

“No point going to sleep,” Shaun said gently. “Your mom will be home soon.”

Jesse groaned again. “Brian’s going to be a bundle of energy.”

“Yeah.” Shaun smiled. The toddler was an interesting little guy.

And indeed, Brian was very happy to see Shaun. He shouted with excitement and jumped up and down.

After Monica dropped off the two youngest members of the family, Jesse was still feeling tired. He browsed through the pantry, muttering to himself. He pulled out a box of spaghetti and a can of sauce.

“I guess its spaghetti tonight,” he said. “Quick, simple, filling. It’s mushy enough for the baby to eat, too,” he said.

Shaun felt bad for him. He watched Jesse whip up dinner with a practiced ease. He found some frozen garlic bread in the freezer and popped it in the oven while the water boiled. Shaun helped as much as he could. He kept an eye on Brian, who was dying to show Shaun his activity book from school and Lissa, cooing and happy, strapped in her bouncer.

Brian continued to chat Shaun’s head off during dinner. He ate, but he was barely paying attention to his plate. He got red sauce all over his face. Lissa got messy, too. Jesse let her eat her noodles by hand.

When dinner was over, the twins went upstairs to play Candy Land. Sam followed them up. He said he would keep an eye on them, but they heard him slam the bedroom door. He was probably up there pouting.

Shaun offered to clean the kids up. He was in a good mood and wanted to be helpful. Jesse gave him a wet washcloth and smiled fondly as Shaun cleaned Brian’s hands and face. When he got to the baby, he took her bib off to cut down on the sauce buildup. She had it everywhere though. It was in her hair, in her ears…

“I have to give her a bath,” Jesse said with a sigh. He collected the dirty dishes everyone had left behind and carried them to the sink.

“Can we watch the movie now?” Brian asked hopefully and Shaun glanced at Jesse for direction.

Jesse nodded. “Leave Lissa in her chair. We’ll join you when we can.”

“I don’t know how to work your TV,” Shaun admitted.

“Brian knows how to set it up,” Jesse said, and Brian took that as permission. He grabbed Shaun’s hand and yanked him into the living room. He found the remote on the coffee table and switched the television to video mode.

First Blood was an oldie, but a goodie. Shaun was glad to share it with someone who’d never seen it before. He and Brian got settled on the couch and waited eagerly for the movie to load up.

“Is this scary?” Brian asked.

“It’s bloody,” Shaun said. “And full of action. It’s one of my favorite movies.”

Brian snuggled into Shaun’s side as he watched the blood and guts spewing on screen. Kids today really were desensitized, Shaun thought approvingly.

It was almost over when Jesse came downstairs with a clean baby in a onesie. He sat on Shaun’s other side and held the baby to his chest.

“Dishes are washed and put away, the baby’s clean and has a fresh diaper. The twins threw the pieces to Candy Land all over the place, but Sam has mom’s tablet and he’s letting them watch videos on YouTube ,” Jesse sighed. “How’s the movie?”

“Rambo is the coolest ever,” Brian said. He didn’t look away from the screen.

Jesse smiled wearily. “Did I miss much?”

“Only the entire thing,” Shaun said. “It’ll be over in five minutes.”

“Aww, I want to watch another movie,” Brian complained.

“I brought the original Predator,” Shaun said. “It’s like this movie, but it’s got aliens.”

Brian clapped his hands. “I want to see!”

When the movie ended, Brian put the next DVD in the player. He jumped back on the couch and Shaun put an arm around his shoulders without thinking. Brian rested his head against Shaun’s side.

Predator started and within the first ten minutes, Jesse sprawled out on the couch and put his feet in Shaun’s lap. He looked like he was halfway to dreamland already. The baby snuggled into his chest and Jesse hummed her a lullaby. Shaun could barely hear it over the movie, but the baby felt the vibrations. She stopped moving and Shaun knew she was asleep.

Jesse was next. His eyes closed gradually. His face smoothed. He looked peaceful and angelic and Shaun had seen this movie a million times before, he watched Jesse sleep, enjoying the simple domesticity of it.

Brian lasted the longest, but he too petered out before the movie ended. He shifted to drop his head onto Shaun’s thigh and drifted to sleep easily.

He looked so much like Jesse. They both had the same pretty blue eyes, the same cute upturned nose and soft pale skin. They both looked incredibly sweet in their sleep.

Shaun had never wanted a brother. It’d just be someone else to hate, he’d figured. But when he looked at the little boy asleep in his lap, he wished he could have grown up with a kid brother half as cool as Brian.

Looking at Jesse, though…well, Shaun felt something quite different than the swell of brotherly affection he felt toward the blond toddler. Something he’d rather not think about just now.

When the movie ended, he picked Brian up. He marveled at the way the little boy clung to him, completely trusting.

“I’m not tired,” Brian muttered sleepily. He pressed his face into Shaun’s shoulder and promptly fell back to sleep.

Shaun carried him upstairs.

He placed Brian in the top bunk and covered him in one of Jesse’s blankets. As he climbed down a voice startled him into missing the last step.

“What are you doing with my brother?”

Shaun stumbled. He whirled around and glared at the teenager in the doorway. “I’m putting him to sleep,” he sneered. He tried to cover his misstep with a vicious glare.

Sam was doing his best to match Shaun’s viciousness. He stared at Shaun hatefully.

“I meant with Jesse.”

Shaun narrowed his eyes. “We’re friends,” he said.

Sam continued to glare death at him, and Shaun wondered if that was all Sam was going to say, but then he spoke again.

“I’ve heard the things people say about you. You’re a monster.”

Shaun grunted. He’d certainly heard that before. The word had been tossed around quite a bit before he’d started punishing people for saying it.

“You don’t know anything, you little shit head.”

“I know you killed your parents,” Sam said. “You made Jesse hate me and now you’re trying to turn him against the whole family.” He poked a finger at Shaun.

“Wrong on all counts,” Shaun said boredly.

Sam sucked his teeth. “As if you’d admit it. What’s your plan? Are you going to drug Jesse until he agrees to murder us in our sleep?”

With one quick step, Shaun was in Sam’s face. He jerked his head back with a fistful of hair and forced the boy to meet his eyes.

“Let’s get the story straight, kid. Since we’re spending so much time together,” Shaun hissed, ignoring Sam’s frantic hands clawing at him, desperately seeking a release. He held tight. “I didn’t kill my parents. I watched them die though. And if I really wanted to turn Jesse against your family, I wouldn’t be helping him babysit you little brats every night. Oh, and the reason Jesse hates you right now is because you’re a fucking,” Shaun yanked Sam’s head back at a painful angle. “Punk ass bitch, who specializes in being a nasty little cunt.”

As suddenly as he’d grabbed him, Shaun released Sam. The boy lost his footing and stumbled into the hall. Sam stared at him for a full five seconds, his eyes wide with shock. Then he bolted back to the twins’ room. He slammed the door with a bang.

Surprisingly Brian had slept through the commotion. Shaun checked on him first, peeking into the bed. Then he went down to see Jesse.

The movie had ended. The credits were rolling. He went to the DVD player and took his movie out. He put it back in its case, then he turned the TV off.

“Wha…” Jesse stirred.

“You’re awake,” Shaun said. He smiled gently.

“I guess,” Jesse laughed. He sat up, cradling Lissa to his chest. “Did you put Brian in my bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Mmm.” Jesse got up. “I’m going to put the baby down. Don’t go away.”

Shaun nodded. He watched Jesse trail up the stairs and hoped Sam wouldn’t blab and get him in trouble. He’d been harsh. Way too harsh.

He waited on pins and needles for a good two to three minutes. But Jesse looked totally oblivious when he came down. Sam must not have said anything.

“Sorry I fell asleep,” Jesse said. “I wasn’t much fun tonight.” He still looked pretty tired, but he didn’t lay down again. He sat with his legs folded under him. “Wonder what’s on,” he said. He turned the TV on and picked a boring sitcom.

Monica was unusually late. It was already half past nine. She was usually home by now.

Jesse didn’t seem worried though, so Shaun didn’t mention it.

“You OK?” Jesse was looking at him, concern on his sleepy face.

“Yeah. Fine,” Shaun said, a little too quickly.

Jesse scooted closer and leaned into Shaun’s side a lot like Brian had been doing earlier. He sighed and his soft breath blew through Shaun’s hair.

They watched TV for what felt like forever. Shaun was afraid to move. He was pretty sure Jesse was asleep again. He couldn’t take this much longer, though…being close like this. Jesse made sweet noises in his sleep and his breath was hot on the back of Shaun’s neck. It was doing things to Shaun’s body he wasn’t comfortable with.

The sound of keys in the door had Shaun up in an instant, upsetting Jesse from his slumber. Monica walked in the room just as Jesse did a nose plant on the couch cushions.

“Er…hi,” Shaun said. He knew his face was bright red, even though he knew Monica hadn’t seen them. She’d been looking at her cellphone when she’d walked in.

“Oh. Shaun.” Monica looked up from her screen. “I hope you boys weren’t waiting up for me. Sorry I’m so late.”

Behind him on the couch Jesse moaned. Shaun blushed harder. “I’d better go,” he said quickly. He sprinted for the door and slid out into the cool night air. At least out here, nobody could see his burning cheeks.

*****

 

Shaun kept waiting for Jesse to get over his clinginess. Waited for him to crawl back to Emily, Kenny, and their ilk, but if anything, Jesse focused on Shaun even more. He hung off him at every opportunity, followed him everywhere, made Shaun talk unendingly…

Shaun wasn’t happy about it, but he rode the bus home with Jesse every day. He hated sitting around and waiting for the end of the day to come, but it was always worth it when he saw Jesse’s smiles and his badly restrained affection.

They practiced guitar every afternoon before Brian and Lissa came home. Shaun didn’t know how much Jesse was learning, but it was always fun.

Jesse never brought up Shaun’s run-in with Sam. Sam had kept his mouth shut, but whenever Shaun saw him and Jesse interact, Sam seemed bitchier than ever.

On Wednesday, Jesse didn’t mention going to church. Shaun didn’t show it, but he was thrilled. They hung out all night, watching movies and playing with Brian and the baby. They didn’t even speak Emily’s name.

So, Shaun really shouldn’t have been surprised when Jesse asked what they were doing on the weekend.

“What do you mean?”

“Well…my mom tries to give me the weekends off, you know. So hopefully when she comes home tonight we’ll be able to do something on our own,” Jesse explained. “Unless you have to go to band practice.”

“Don’t you have something better to do? Like be with your girlfriend or something?” Shaun sneered, but not because he was mad. There were butterflies in his stomach again. It was all so fucking gay. He hated it.

“No,” Jesse said as if the idea of spending time with Emily was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. “So, can we do something tonight?”

“I guess.” The fluttery feeling stuck around. It refused to leave.

“Good.” Jesse casually touched Shaun’s knee, playing with the worn hole in his jeans. “So, you don’t practice with your band on Fridays?”

“No, that’s tomorrow.” Shaun flicked Jesse’s hand away, covering the hole and effectively putting an end to the wandering hands. They were still on the school bus after all. People could see them.

“Can I come?”

Shaun snorted. “Seriously?” There was no way Shaun could bring Jesse to practice. He could picture it now. Jesse touching him, holding his hand, snuggling up to him like a cat in heat. “Hell no.”

“Why?” Jesse pouted immediately. “C’mon. Please! I want to see you guys play again!”

“Then come to the next show.” That wasn’t much better but at least Shaun could duck out of the venue and get some privacy. There’d be none of that at Will’s house.

“Shaun!” Jesse pleaded and Shaun was usually kind of a push over when it came to Jesse begging, but this time, he had a good reason to refuse.

“No.”

Jesse pouted and whined to come to band practice for the rest of the day. He did it through Chemistry, lunch, gym, and the bus ride home.

Shaun waited until they got off the bus to tell Jesse he was serious. He pulled him into the garage.

“Fucking stop! Shut up, already!” he yelled as soon as they were alone.

Jesse shut his mouth.

“I don’t want you coming with me because…” What was a nice, and not completely stupid way, to tell Jesse he couldn’t come around because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself? “Because you...” Fuck it. “Because you keep acting like a fucking fag!”

“What?” And of course, Jesse had to look completely confused, as if he’d been possessed this past week and someone else had been molesting Shaun without Jesse’s knowledge.

“You keep…touching me!” Shaun said, flushing an ugly red as he did. This was so embarrassing. “Danny called us gay last week because you were hugging on me and crap!”

“Who’s Danny?” Jesse asked sourly. “He sounds like a prick.”

Shaun snorted at the comment. “Danny’s the drummer. And he is, by the way,” Shaun said. “A prick.”

“I won’t hug you then,” Jesse said quickly. “I won’t touch you at all!”

Shaun didn’t want to say it out loud, but he disliked the prospect of no further touching. It wasn’t a big deal, really, but he knew people would see it the wrong way.

“You know…just when we’re around the band,” Shaun said.

“OK. Just when we’re around other people. Like you said,” Jesse said softly. He poked Shaun in the stomach with a goofy smile. Shaun knocked his hand away with a halfhearted scowl. “People just don’t get it.”

“No, they don’t,” Shaun said solemnly.

“I’m sorry I’m so touchy-feely, but…you’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Jesse said. He smiled when Shaun’s expression remained serious. “Do you forgive me?” He slid his arms around Shaun’s waist and hugged him tight.

Shaun sighed. Well, it looked like he didn’t have to worry about Jesse getting over his clinginess. That stupid fluttery feeling came back in full force and Shaun felt his arms wind around Jesse’s shoulders of their own accord. His long fingers threaded through Jesse’s incredibly soft hair.

“Mmm,” Jesse murmured. He buried his face against Shaun’s chest, effectively pushing his head into Shaun’s hands. “That feels nice,” he said in a muffled voice.

This was getting too lovey-dovey. Shaun rubbed his knuckles into Jesse’s scalp and gave him a noogie.

“Hey!” Jesse ducked away with a laugh. “Cut it out!”

The fluttery, butterfly feeling left. Shaun relaxed. “Do you want to practice or not?” He gestured to the guitar they’d left on boxes yesterday.

“Yeah!” Jesse cheered. He rushed to set everything up.

They didn’t end up doing anything special that night. Once Monica came home, they tried to escape back to Shaun’s, but Brian threw such a huge fit that they—or rather Shaun—decided to stay put. Jesse rolled his eyes and called Shaun a push over.

The three of them went to Jesse’s room and played with a bucket of Legos. It was far from thrilling, but Shaun didn’t mind playing as much as he’d thought he would. He liked the stupid kid.

They made a game out of it. Shaun showed Brian how to make a gun out of blocks and Brian assassinated Jesse with it. Shaun laughed. The kid was pretending he was Rambo.

They put Brian to bed after ten. Shaun helped Jesse clean up his room while they talked and laughed about their evening with the energetic toddler.

“We shouldn’t let him watch Rambo,” Jesse said as he tossed the last of the blocks into the bin. “He’ll turn into a serial killer.”

“Like me?” Shaun joked.

Jesse sucked his teeth. “No. You’re a big softie. I don’t think you’d ever hurt anybody.”

“Fuck you. Yes, I would,” Shaun grunted. “I’ve hurt lots of people.”

“So, you say,” Jesse sounded superior, like he knew everything. He climbed up to his bunk. “Are you coming up?”

Shaun shook his head. “It’s getting late. I should go.”

“No. Stay the night.”

Jesse made it sound so casual, so normal. Just two guys sleeping in the same bed. Completely normal.

“Jesse—”

“What? It’s not a school night. You can stay if you want,” Jesse said earnestly.

“No. That’s weird.”

“Is not.”

Shaun rolled his eyes. “We’ll probably crash at Will’s house after practice,” he said. “We’ll hang out tomorrow night.”

Jesse pouted. “But what about tonight?”

“Jesse, c’mon.” This was getting weird. Jesse never wanted Shaun to leave. Their relationship was already abnormal, but sleeping together? That seemed like a whole other level.

An incredibly, irreparably gay level.

“You’re no fun,” Jesse said. He laid down on his stomach and looked over the edge of his bed with sad eyes. “So, when are you coming to pick me up tomorrow?”

Shaun shrugged. He didn’t want to get to Will’s place too early since he didn’t know how the band would react to him bringing a friend along. So, limiting the amount of time they were there, sitting around, sounded like a good idea. And if Danny and Will were really being obnoxious about Jesse, then they could just wrap up practice and leave early.

“Around five maybe.” That’d give them an hour to get there. Practice started up around six.

“OK.” Jesse seemed disappointed. Shaun nodded curtly and turned to leave. “Do you want me to come with you?” he threw out, stopping Shaun in his tracks.

The fluttery feeling, like butterflies tickling him from the inside, started up again. He imagined Jesse in his bed and the thought was so ludicrous, he could barely stand it.

“No,” he said without turning. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jesse didn’t respond and Shaun left in peace. Only he wasn’t in peace. He was upset.

Why couldn’t Jesse let him enjoy anything? Every time they had a little fun, Jesse insisted on making it weird. All the touching and the affection made that fluttery, butterfly feeling start in his stomach and Shaun hated it. He wished they could go back to the way they were, cautious friends, who knew very little about each other and never fought over what day they were going to sleep together.

Shaun had never been so confused in his life. He didn’t know how to take the new feelings Jesse stirred up. The more he repressed them, the more he longed for Jesse’s approval and attention and Jesse was certainly happy to provide it. He was completely overwhelming Shaun.

The walk home did little to calm him down, and when he got home neither did the sight of his grandfather, asleep in his armchair and apparently waiting up for him.

Eli dropped odd comments about Jesse whenever Shaun was around, which wasn’t often nowadays. It was infuriating. He kept insinuating something was going on between them and Shaun didn’t like how close to the truth he was getting.

He passed Eli silently on his way to his room.

Shaun took his boots and his jeans off. He laid on top the covers and stared at the dark ceiling. He laid there for a while, thinking.

At first, he was able to keep his mind off dangerous topics. He thought about the band, about the new song ideas bouncing around his head. He thought about school and how he hadn’t started the poem for English class. It was due next Friday.

Then, helplessly, he thought about Jesse.

He thought about Jesse’s goofy smile when he learned a new trick on the guitar. The way his nose would wrinkle up when he thought something was funny in class. His insistence that he put his feet in Shaun’s lap every time they watched TV before the kids’ bedtime.

The fluttery feeling started again, and that was unacceptable.

Shaun took his father’s knife out of the bedside table. He yanked his shirt up and pressed the blade into his stomach, right over the traitorous fluttery feeling.

Jesse’s face appeared in his head, gazing at him adoringly, repeating the words from earlier.

“You can stay if you want.”

Shaun’s sick mind forced him to imagine if they’d stayed together. If Shaun had climbed into Jesse’s bed like he’d suggested.

They’d be lying there right now, facing each other like they had Sunday night in the back of Ruth’s van. There’d be no stars to distract Jesse this time, just the two of them, covered in darkness, pressed together because Jesse was having a hard time with personal space.

The mental picture conjured up something a bit stronger than the butterfly feeling. Instead, he felt the stirrings of arousal coiling in his belly.

Shaun was horrified. He forced the knife into his stomach.

The blade was incredibly sharp. Shaun gasped as blinding pain shot through his abdomen. The knife slipped from his hand.

He hadn’t cut deep, at least, he didn’t think so. He’d stabbed himself in the stomach though, and blood leaked through his fingers.

He cursed and ripped his shirt off. He wadded it up and pressed it gingerly to the wound.

The fluttery feeling was gone. And the beginnings of arousal had been chased away.

All that was left was pain.

*****

Shaun slept like crap. In the morning, he was woozy and feverish.

The knife wound was disgusting to look at. It was an inch-wide hole to the right of his belly button. It was red and inflamed.

He’d bled through his sheets. The hem of his boxers was stained a sticky brown. The shirt he’d used as gauze was completely ruined.

Shaun had no experience in gut wounds. He had no idea whether he should be concerned or not. He figured he’d treat it the same as all his other cuts. He dragged himself out of bed, picked a clean shirt and ventured into the bathroom. It was too painful to directly wash the stab wound, but he splashed it clean with warm water and taped some heavy gauze over it.

It took care of the bleeding at least.

There was a knock on the door. Shaun jumped. “What are you doing in there?” It was Eli. Shaun scowled at his reflection in the mirror.

“Nothing!” he cried. He yanked the shirt over his head. He winced when the fabric caught the mass of tape. “What do you want?”

“Can we talk?”

“I’m taking a shower,” Shaun said. He strode to the tub and turned the water on. It drowned out whatever Eli said next. He gave up. He knew better than to just barge in.

Shaun sat down on the toilet and let the water run. There were hours to go before Shaun picked Jesse up. He didn’t know how he was going to avoid Eli until then. He couldn’t run the shower all day, though it was tempting.

Once he was sure Eli was gone, he shut the water off and escaped back to his room. He blocked the door with his desk chair and turned some music on.

Normally he liked it loud, but today it was giving him a headache. He laid back on his bed and put a pillow over his head.

He was roughly shaken awake. He pulled the pillow off his face and sat up with a groan. His stomach radiated pain. The music had stopped, and Eli stood over him, his face grave.

“What?” Shaun snapped.

“You’re bleeding.” Eli sat on the edge of the bed. He stared at Shaun’s stomach. With a feeling of dread, Shaun checked himself. The bleeding had started again. There was a sizable patch of blood through his fresh T-shirt.

“Fuck,” Shaun said under his breath.

“Jesse’s here,” Eli said. His hands fluttered uselessly over Shaun’s abdomen. “He said you were supposed to pick him up at five.”

“Shit. What time is it?”

“Quarter to six.”

Shaun hauled himself out of bed. The pain was severe, but he did his best to ignore it. He had to get to practice. He had to pretend everything was normal and that he hadn’t stabbed himself. He didn’t want anyone to worry. Especially Jesse.

He grabbed another set of clothes. He’d change in the bathroom after he reapplied some gauze.

Eli was hot on his heels. “What’s going on with you!” he hissed as Shaun hurried into the hallway.

Shaun?” Jesse stood at the end of the hall, in the living room. His carefully blank expression turned into a grin when Shaun met his eyes.

Shaun turned away before Jesse saw the blood. He slipped into the bathroom.

Eli forced the door open and squeezed into the room behind him. He shut the door. “What’s going on?” he asked. He guarded the door like a sentinel. Shaun ignored him. He got the roll of gauze from the cabinet over the sink. Eli grabbed his arm. “Shaun? Please,” he pressed.

“Nothing’s going on!” Shaun snatched his arm away. His eyes flashed dangerously. Eli didn’t back down. “Jesus Christ! I’m trying to get ready!”

“Why are you bleeding?” Eli gestured to the bloody stain. “What are you doing to yourself?”

Shaun pulled his shirt off and pressed his lips together as he peeled the bloody gauze from his wound. Eli gasped and tried to get a look, but Shaun twisted out of the way. It really looked infected, but Shaun didn’t have time to worry about it. He sloppily applied the new gauze and plastered it over with surgical tape.

“I have to go to practice,” Shaun muttered, his back to Eli.

“I don’t think—”

“I have to go,” Shaun said firmly. “I’ll be fine.”

Eli thought it over in silence. He sighed.

“Do what you want, Shaun. I can’t stop you,” he said tiredly. “But when you come back, we really need to have a talk.”

“You’ve been saying that for days now,” Shaun sneered. “Didn’t we just talk?”

“Hardly.”

“You want to make sure I’m OK, right?” he taunted. “Well, I’m great. I’ve never been better, actually.”

“Shaun…”

“You don’t need to worry about me, because I have everything under control.” Shaun threw his bloodied bandages into the trash before he pulled his thermal shirt over his head. He met his grandfather’s troubled gaze. “Thanks for the concern,” he said sarcastically.

Eli moved aside as Shaun stepped into his cargo pants. He was ready to go.

“I’ll see you very soon,” Eli said as if to reassure himself.

“Whatever.”

Shaun grabbed his boots from his room and kicked them on. Jesse waited at the end of the hall, where Shaun had left him. His expression was a mix of excitement and concern.

“Everything OK?”

“Yep. Fine,” Shaun said, trying for a cheerful tone, but falling short. Jesse looked even more concerned. “Let’s go,” Shaun said quickly before Jesse could ask again.

Shaun took Eli’s car, like always. He was afraid to load his guitar and amp himself though. He didn’t want to risk bleeding through his fresh bandages, so he ordered Jesse to do it. Luckily, Jesse was eager to please. He did as asked without complaint. Shaun started the car and found a suitable song on the radio while he waited.

Jesse was mercifully quick. He packed everything in the back then hopped in the passenger seat.

“Thanks,” Shaun said. He backed the car into the street and took off. He could feel Jesse’s eyes on him, watching him meticulously. He didn’t dare look over.

“You’re welcome.”

There was a long silence as they drove, top speed, to Will’s house. Being an hour late wasn’t a huge deal. There was a good chance the band hadn’t even noticed Shaun was late, but Shaun was sure he’d fucked everything up. His stomach throbbed and itched. He wasn’t sure he’d even be able to play when they got there.

But the knife had done the trick. He didn’t feel anything for Jesse, at least not now. He’d barely looked at him, he hadn’t said much to him, and there were certainly no fluttery feelings in Shaun’s aching belly. He was so wrapped up in his own little world there was no way for Jesse to worm his way in.

“Something’s wrong,” Jesse said, obviously sensing that, in Shaun’s mind, he was a thousand miles away.

“Everything’s fine.”

“You’ve already said that,” Jesse said.

“I did,” Shaun said flatly. “And I meant it.” At this point, he didn’t care what happened. He just wanted to get through practice without embarrassing himself and being cross examined.

“Shaun!” Jesse cried and Shaun grudgingly looked at him.

Jesse had his back to the window and his legs tucked up underneath him. His pretty eyes were wide with hurt and betrayal. His mouth was open, and his lips were red and soft looking.

Shaun zeroed in on that piece of anatomy. Mouth. Hot. Wet. Tongue flicking out to taste a pouting lower lip…

Shaun tore his gaze away. He clenched the wheel in a death grip.

“What is going on? Did something…happen last night? Did you Grandpa say something to you?” Jesse asked. “Why are you so distant?”

Shaun hated that he cared so much about Jesse. Before, he hadn’t cared if he’d hurt Jesse’s feelings, but now it was painful to listen to his distress.

But what was Shaun going to say? He wasn’t going to tell him the truth…

“Nothing happened, nobody said anything, and I’m not acting any different.”

Jesse’s eyes widened. “Did I do something wrong? You’re acting like you hate me.”

Shaun couldn’t help but laugh. On the contrary, I like you too much. Of course, Shaun didn’t say that. “Do you want to go home?” he asked instead, a tad harsher than he’d intended, but maybe that was for the best. “I’ll take you home if you don’t want to do this.”

“No,” Jesse said immediately. “I just wish you’d talk to me,” he said softly.

And maybe if it had been about something other than his developing homosexual feelings, he would have. Shaun shook his head, muttered that nothing was wrong, and continued driving.

Jesse didn’t say another word.

Shaun had never been so glad to get to Will’s in his life. The forty-minute drive had been unbearable. They’d sat in an awkward, stifling silence while Jesse shot him little glances, pleas for Shaun to talk to him. Shaun ignored him and Jesse kept his mouth shut.

“Do you want me to get your stuff?” Jesse asked shyly when they pulled up outside Will’s house.

“Yeah.”

For some reason, that seemed to make Jesse sad. He turned his face away and looked out the window for a moment. Then he got out and went around to the back to get the equipment.

Sighing, Shaun reached over the seat and snatched his guitar before Jesse could. He could carry a guitar without killing himself, he reasoned. It was the amp he thought might hurt.

“Hey,” Danny called as Shaun walked in the front door. He was sprawled on the couch, alone in the living room. Football was on TV. Danny held a beer and his face was flushed. He was drunk.

“Is that Shaun?” Will appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. He had a beer too, but he didn’t look intoxicated. He spotted Shaun at the door and narrowed his eyes. “It’s about fucking time.”

“Sorry,” Shaun muttered. He stepped aside as Jesse maneuvered the amp through the front door. Shaun cringed internally when both Will and Danny turned their gazes to the newest arrival.

“Who’s this?” Will asked. He furrowed his brow in confusion.

Danny almost dropped his beer as he started to laugh. Shaun clenched his teeth, furious. “That’s Shaun’s little friend. From last week,” Danny said. “Remember? I told you about him.”

Will gave him a blank look.

“The kid that hugged Shaun?”

“Oh.” Will laughed and Shaun flushed an ugly brick red. Ben appeared in the door behind Will. He pushed his way into the room.

“Hey. You’re here.” Ben shot a glare at Danny but otherwise didn’t acknowledge him. He flashed a smile at Jesse. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Ben.”

“Hello,” Jesse said shyly. “I’m Jesse.” He put the amp down and shook Ben’s hand. “You’re an amazing bass player. You’re all great musicians,” he said, totally sucking up. He glanced at Shaun, uncertainly written on his face. Shaun had no direction for him. He didn’t know how to make his band mates like Jesse. They barely liked him.

Jesse seemed to be doing well on his own anyway.

“That’s fucking right,” Will preened.

“At least your boyfriend’s got good taste,” Danny joked.

Shaun bristled. “Are we going to practice or not?” he grunted. He dragged his guitar into the garage.

The others followed momentarily. They were distracted by Jesse. He talked a mile a minute, asking about upcoming shows and new songs. Will answered his questions in the arrogant way he had for fan-types. Danny watched the proceedings with a vague amusement. Ben seemed particularly taken with Jesse. He pulled him aside when Will got sick of the never-ending questions and dismissed Jesse with a wave.

Ben and Jesse talked in low quiet tones as Ben set up his bass. Shaun couldn’t hear what they were talking about over the sound of Danny warming up his drum kit, but he could tell they were hitting it off.

Shaun didn’t like it, but he didn’t know how to stop it either.

Will bitched at everyone to hurry up. “Let’s get started sometime this century.”

Ben gestured to the threadbare couch against the far wall and Jesse flounced off to have a seat.

It was an uncomfortable practice for Shaun. He was in pain, of course, but he was also hyperaware of his every move thanks to Jesse’s intense stare. Shaun was tempted to stop playing and demand Jesse look at someone else for a change, but he didn’t want the others to know what was up.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Will halted practice after twenty minutes. He glared at Shaun. “You’re playing’s for shit today.”

“He’s got performance issues,” Danny snorted from behind the safety of the drum kit. “He can’t do it when his boyfriend’s watching.”

Shaun sent Danny a dark and malevolent glare, shutting him up effectively. Ben defended him anyway.

“Shut up, Danny,” he ordered.

“Are you ready now, asshole?” Will asked, ignoring the side discussion. “We’ve got another show coming up soon.” He proceeded to start the next song without waiting for a reply, which was typical.

Shaun played his heart out. He worked up a sweat which was only partially due to effort and mostly from the strain he was putting on his injured body. They were an hour in, and nobody was impressed.

“You suck,” Danny flicked Shaun off.

“Yeah. Maybe we should call it a night,” Will frowned. He bent over to pick up his bottle of beer. He gulped it down and headed back inside for more. Danny ran after him.

“You OK?” Ben asked. He was one of the last people in the room. Jesse was still on the couch. He watched them with wide eyes.

Shaun sighed. “I guess,” he said. He wanted to sit down.

“C’mon. Let’s get something to drink.” Ben waited for Shaun to put his guitar down. He put an arm around his shoulders and led him into the living room. Jesse followed them.

Shaun was exhausted. He flopped into the armchair and stared at the football game on TV. He could hear Jesse and Ben whispering behind his back, but he ignored them.

Some stuff happened, but Shaun was too out of it to care. Will and Danny went on a beer run while Ben and Jesse got comfortable on the couch. They talked in hushed voices. They snuck glances Shaun’s way; it was obvious they were talking about him. He wondered what they were talking about, but he was busy thinking about how he was going to get out of here. He felt really fucking sick.

It felt like hours passed before Will and Danny were back, carrying a couple cases of beer. They threw one at Shaun and he drank obligingly.

When he’d finished the first one, Ben brought him a second, leaving his cozy seat with Jesse to do so. And when he’d finished the second, Jesse brought him a third. He was feeling a little better by this point, numb anyways. Then Jesse sat on the arm of his chair.

“Is it OK if I’m worried about you?” Jesse whispered. He leaned into Shaun side, practically falling into his lap. He nudged Shaun’s aching wound and Shaun bit his lip to keep from cringing overtly. Then Jesse slid his arm around Shaun’s shoulders. He stroked his hair.

Shaun jerked up straight, feeling frantic. He looked around the room.

They were alone. Shaun didn’t know how long they’d been the only ones in the living room; he knew the guys had been watching the game just a second ago, so they couldn’t have gone far.

Jesse nodded toward the kitchen. “They’re in there,” he said. “But I want—need to talk to you.”

“You need to get off me,” Shaun said, trying to sound firm and threatening. His voice was weak though. He was half-awake and totally out of it. He wasn’t convincing anyone.

“Why are you being so mean to me?” Jesse asked. He pet Shaun’s hair, like he was his girlfriend or something. “I thought we were best friends?”

“We are,” Shaun hissed through his teeth.

“Then stop pushing me away!” Jesse hissed right back. “If you don’t want to talk about it…fine. But you need me—”

“Like a hole in my head,” Shaun finished sarcastically. Or a hole in my stomach, he thought darkly.

“Stop pouting.” Jesse playfully yanked a lock of Shaun’s hair to get his point across. Shaun growled. “Stop moping over here and come watch TV with us.”

“I can watch it fine from here.”

“Well, then I’ll just have to sit here with you, won’t I?” Jesse threatened. He snuggled into Shaun’s side to drive home how embarrassing their current positions were.

“You’re a fucking brat.” Shaun scowled but Jesse smiled brightly. He wasn’t deterred in the least. He leapt up and held out his hand. Shaun took it reluctantly.

His face contorted with pain as he got up, the edges of his stab wound pulled this way and that. Jesse totally missed it. The moment Shaun was upright he wrapped his arms around Shaun and nuzzled his face into his chest. It hurt. Immensely. But Shaun took it stoically.

“Stop being so mean to your friends, Shaun,” Jesse chided. His voice was too breathy and soft to be reprimanding. He hugged Shaun once more before he released him and led him to the couch.

As they sat down, Jesse uncomfortably close, almost in his lap again, the others came back into the room.

Ben sat on the other side of Jesse. They shared a conspiratorial smile. Ben asked if Shaun was feeling any better.

“Never better,” Shaun growled. He was deeply uncomfortable, in pain, pissed off… Jesse and Ben seemed amused. It wasn’t right.

Will sat in Shaun’s abandoned armchair. He passed out joints, which he and Danny had been rolling in the kitchen. “Here, you fucking need it,” he told Shaun as he pressed the drugs into his palm.

“Fuck you,” Shaun muttered, but he couldn’t have agreed more. Ben passed him a lighter, and he toked up.

Will had cut something nasty into the weed again. Shaun was sick almost instantly. This time he managed not to throw up, but he ended up laying on the couch with his head in Jesse’s lap. Jesse smiled down at him. His eyes were off, his smile was weird. He was obviously reacting to the drugs.

“Poor baby,” Jesse said. He slowly stroked Shaun’s hair and his face, even his chest and arms occasionally. He was entranced. He didn’t go below Shaun’s waist, which was lucky, because Shaun was pretty sure he had a raging erection.

The game ended, heralded by the sound of Will and Danny cheering obnoxiously. They promptly left to pick up some girls from the bar down the street. For a while, things were quiet and nice. Shaun was close to sleep. The sound of Jesse and Ben murmuring to each other was soothing.

But Will and Danny returned, and a slutty girl accompanied them. They took her straight into the bedroom and started fucking at the top of their lungs.

Ben made his excuses and ducked out. Shaun wanted to leave, too. He wanted to crawl into his bed and sleep for days, but he was in no state to drive. He had to go to the bathroom at one point and Jesse had to help him get there.

When Will and Danny quieted down, Jesse turned the TV off and rearranged Shaun on the couch. He let him lay the full length. As Shaun stretched out, he wondered where Jesse was going to sleep. Then Jesse laid beside him on the narrow couch. He pressed his entire front to Shaun’s side and threw an arm over his waist. He was dangerously close to Shaun’s stab wound, but Shaun was too far gone to feel the pain.

“Good night.” Jesse whispered. His head was buried in the crook of Shaun’s neck.

Shaun was too out of it to reply. He was embarrassingly turned on, confused and sore, but he was sure he felt Jesse’s lips on him, kissing him chastely.

Morning was only a few hours away. It dawned bright and clear.

Sunlight poured through the living room window and Shaun winced and shielded his eyes. He had to throw up. He opened his eyes cautiously.

Jesse still clung to him. His face was very close.

Pain and nausea warred for dominance. Shaun had to get to the bathroom.

He tried to extract himself gently, but the second he tasted bile his initiative went from “trying not to disturb” to “trying not to throw up all over Jesse”.

Jesse was knocked from the couch with a thump. “Oomph!”

“Sorry…” Shaun murmured. He jumped over Jesse and dashed for the toilet. He should know better by now than to take anything Will gave him.

Shaun emerged from the bathroom after he threw up a gallon of yellowish liquid. He hadn’t checked his stomach, but it throbbed horribly and burned. He was anxious to get home.

“Are you OK?” Jesse asked.

“Yeah,” Shaun said wearily. “I want to get out of here before those assholes get up,” He nodded toward the bedroom.

“Want me to drive?”

Shaun shrugged. He wasn’t up for the long drive back, but he had no idea if Jesse could be trusted behind the wheel. He was willing to find out though.

“Sit down,” Jesse soothed. He took Shaun’s arm and led him to the couch. “I’ll pack up your stuff. I’ll be right back.” He smoothed Shaun’s frizzy hair down, smiling when it sprung back up again in a cloud of disarray. “Right back,” he repeated. He rushed through the door to the garage.

Shaun closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. His fucking head hurt. Hangovers, open bleeding wounds, drug induced nausea…he’d really done a number on himself.

He listened to Jesse run to and fro, fetching his guitar and running it to the car, then back again for the amp. He came for Shaun next. He helped him up.

“C’mon,” Jesse urged. His arm slipped around Shaun’s waist as Shaun leaned into his side for support. Jesse’s voice grew exponentially more cheerful. “It’s a good thing I was here to help you,” he said. “Where’d you be without me, hmm?”

Shaun laughed at the irony.

Without Jesse Shaun would currently be in much better shape, but he didn’t say that. He wasn’t going to explain himself.

“What’s so funny?” Jesse asked. He opened the car door and awkwardly helped Shaun into the car. Shaun pushed him away the second he didn’t need him anymore and shut the door behind himself. Jesse hurried around to the driver’s side and got in.

“Nothing.”

“But—”

“Jesse.” Shaun said the name warningly.

Jesse frowned, but he started the car and pulled away from the curb.

They drove in silence. Shaun had to remind Jesse of the way more than once, but other than that, they didn’t talk. It wasn’t as awkward as yesterday though. Jesse was quiet out of consideration for Shaun. He mentioned a few times he’d be fine if Shaun wanted to rest his eyes, but Shaun didn’t sleep. He was uncomfortable. He just wanted to get home.

When they arrived, Jesse insisted on following Shaun inside.

“I’m going back to sleep,” Shaun said as Jesse helped him to the front porch.

“That’s OK,” Jesse said. The door was unlocked, but he fumbled with the latch.

“You can’t stay, Jess,” Shaun told him.

“Why not?” Jesse was pouting. Shaun could hear it in his voice. “Are you seriously going to make me walk all the way home?”

They knocked into the kitchen table and stumbled through to the living room.

Ruth sat in front of the TV. She was knitting. She glanced up as Shaun and Jesse bumbled through. She scowled at the sight. “Nice to see you got home in one piece.” She dismissively returned to her knitting.

“You’re not staying,” Shaun repeated as if Ruth hadn’t spoken.

Jesse led Shaun back to his room. Shaun decided to take the silence as agreement, but as soon as Shaun’s door closed behind them, Jesse started complaining again.

“But we slept together last night,” he pointed out as he helped Shaun to the bed.

“We didn’t sleep together.” Shaun cringed. He sat down gingerly and rubbed his face. Most of last night was hazy, but he remembered quite vividly the persistent erection he’d maintained most of the night. The memory combined with Jesse’s easy admission of “sleeping together” scared the fuck out of him.

“We slept on the couch together,” Jesse said. “You know what I mean.” He knelt in front of Shaun and casually untied his boots. He pulled them off like he undressed his close friends all the time.

“What is it with you and sleeping with me?” Shaun grumbled.

“You’re the one who’s always making a big deal about it,” Jesse said.

“Me?!” Shaun glared at him. “You’re obsessed with it! You want me to sleep in your bed every single night!”

“So? I’ve had lots of guy’s sleep over before,” Jesse said primly. He stood over Shaun; his arms crossed.

“I’m sure you insisted on cuddling up to them too,” Shaun sneered. He was pissed. The thought of Jesse cuddling with anyone other than himself enraged him.

Jesse frowned. He gestured for Shaun to stand up.

Shaun scowled and got up. He winced, but he played it off with a rude question. “How many guys have you slept with?”

Jesse blinked. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? None.”

“See! My point exactly. You’re not staying here in my bed,” Shaun growled.

Jesse threw his hands up. “Fine. But you need help. Let me help you get undressed.” He reached for Shaun’s fly before Shaun had even registered his words.

“Wait…”

But Jesse was already undoing Shaun’s pants. He brushed against his stomach as he popped the fly. Shaun forgot for a moment that he was being undressed like a child and sucked in a pained breath at Jesse’s careless move.

“What’s this?” Jesse reached under Shaun’s thermal to feel the mess of bandages the back of his hand had brushed against. “Shaun, what is this?”

Feeling like it was inevitable, Shaun didn’t stop Jesse from lifting his shirt and exposing his stomach.

Jesse gasped. He looked deep into Shaun’s eyes. “What happened?” he asked.

Shaun didn’t answer. He waited for Jesse to figure it out himself. He was investigating. He bent closer and tried to peel the gauze back. It stuck to the surrounding skin and they both gasped as yellow pus leaked out of the wound.

“Oh my God…” Jesse moaned. “This needs…you need to go to the fucking hospital!”

“It’s fine,” Shaun said calmly.

“It’s infected!” Jesse cried. “How long have you had this?!”

“Since Friday.”

Jesse groaned in distress. His hands shook. He released the edge of Shaun’s shirt. “C’mon. Let me get these off,” he said, returning to the half-discarded pants. He crouched and worked them down. “I can at least clean it out for you. Maybe my Mom can—” But Jesse stopped short as he noticed all the other cuts on Shaun’s legs. The partially healed wound on his thigh, old scars above his knees, climbing his legs like ladders. There were bigger slashes here and there and quite a few more were still hidden under his boxers, but Jesse looked horrified enough without seeing everything. “When you hurt your arm the other day…was it really from hunting?” he asked in a soft voice.

That hadn’t been the question Shaun was waiting for. He answered honestly. “No.”

“Did you do it…yourself?”

“I wanted to. It wasn’t an accident,” Shaun said defensively.

“You did all this?” Jesse gestured to the mess of scars.

“Didn’t I already say that?” Shaun snapped.

“You—you’re hurting yourself? Cutting yourself?!” Jesse straightened up to look Shaun in the eye.

“Yes, all right!” Shaun didn’t want to have this conversation with his pants around his ankles. He pulled them back up, wincing as he buttoned them.

“You did this?!” Jesse laid his hand over Shaun’s arm, just above his gash.

“Yes!”

“And this?!” Jesse jabbed a finger at Shaun’s thigh.

“Yes!”

“And you did this. You stabbed yourself in the stomach?!” Jesse pulled on Shaun’s shirt, a mixture of disbelief and betrayal on his face.

Shaun glared at him. “So, what if I did?”

Jesse stared at him for a long, breathless moment. Then he punched Shaun in the shoulder. “You asshole!” he cried, literally cried. His eyes filled with tears. A few escaped and rolled beautifully down his cheeks. He hit Shaun again, not as hard—though the first had barely hurt—and again. “Are you trying to kill yourself?!”

“Jesse—”

“No! Tell me right now! You owe me an explanation at least!” he demanded. “Tell me why you’d do this to yourself!”

“I don’t owe you anything!” Shaun yelled and Jesse gasped out another sob, the tears really falling now, completely unhindered.

“You can’t do this! You promised we’d stick together!” Jesse cried. He was hysterical. “You can’t kill yourself!”

“I never said I was going to!”

“Well, then why are you doing this?! You could have hurt yourself so much more! You could have died!” Jesse whimpered. “Oh God…oh Shaun…oh—”

Jesse was perfect in his anguish. He was gorgeous. His tears were real and beautiful and all for Shaun… Shaun’s heart beat quicker in his chest.

He couldn’t help himself. He grabbed Jesse by the front of his shirt and pulled him up until he swayed on the tips of his toes.

“Shut up,” he growled. He smashed their lips together. Jesse’s mouth was open and wet, and Shaun thrust his tongue inside with a moan.

Jesse tasted like stale smoke and old beer, but that made everything more real.

This was really happening…

Shaun’s free hand sifted through Jesse’s auburn locks and clutched him tight. Jesse was limp and unresponsive in his arms. Shaun refused to open his eyes. He used his handhold to deepen the kiss. God, he wanted this so badly.

He twisted his tongue around Jesse’s and sucked the spit out of his mouth. It was a horrible kiss, but Shaun’s cock was rock hard. Jesse’s whole body trembled and Shaun bit down on his lips, frustrated and horny and not knowing what to do about it. He was desperate for Jesse to respond.

Jesse whimpered and Shaun shoved him away. He panted for breath as Jesse tripped over his own two feet. He caught himself and looked up with huge eyes.

There was spit smeared on Jesse’s face. A bit of blood stained his lower lip. He gingerly touched his kiss-swollen mouth.

There was a single moment of silence as they stared at one another. One moment for Shaun’s fear of rejection to bubble up inside him. His throat constricted as a thousand different thoughts rushed past adding to his confusion and dread.

And then Jesse’s face twisted, his mouth—that fucking mouth!—opened and all of Shaun’s confusion coalesced into a single thought.

“Get out,” Shaun said. Jesse deserved to hate him for what he’d just done—kissing him…practically raping his mouth for fuck’s sake! But he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted to be alone. Alone with his humiliating thoughts and his shameful erection.

How could he have fucked up so bad? It was one thing to lust after a boy…after a boy who had tried to be his friend no less! But he couldn’t believe he’d acted! He hadn’t been completely honest when he’d told Jesse he wasn’t interested in killing himself. He was seriously considering it. Just a quick clean cut along his jugular vein and he could bleed out, staining his freshly changed sheets a nice dark red.

“Shaun—”

“I said get out!” he shouted. Jesse’s face was completely drained of color, the disgust he felt was clear as day. Any minute now he’d start to laugh. He’d tell Shaun how much he hated him, how horrible it had been to have an erection pressing into his stomach, how completely revolting it had been to have Shaun’s tongue in his mouth, licking his tonsils. He couldn’t listen to it. He’d have to kill someone if he did.

Jesse must have saw something in his eyes that conveyed Shaun’s murderous mindset, because he backed out of the room without another word.

Shaun listened for the slam of the front door. He sank onto his bed.

Oh, God. He’d be a laughing stalk by Monday. Jesse would tell Emily and her brother. He’d tell everyone what a sick freak Shaun was. Everyone would know and he’d be worse than a pariah. He’d spent most of his life being feared and avoided, but now…

And Jesse…he’d lost him forever. The best friend he’d ever had was gone because he hadn’t been able to control himself and his desire.

What had he done?

“Shaun? Jesse ran out of the house like someone had lit a fire under his ass. What was that all about?”

Shaun’s head snapped up. His face had been buried in his hands, and if he could have cried, he would have, but his eyes were dry, hard, angry—mostly with himself, but also with the world in general.

Eli stood in the doorway. He looked like he was settling in for a long conversation. “How about we have that talk now?”

“Whatever.” Shaun had wanted to be alone, but with the direction his thoughts were heading he wasn’t sure it’d be a good idea. The knife in the bedside table was calling to him, and as much as he longed for the release, he was too ashamed to touch it.

“Why don’t you start by telling me what’s going on?” Eli said. He walked into the room and sat gingerly beside Shaun. “Why the long face?”

“I kissed him,” Shaun blurted. He dropped his face into his hands. If he could talk to anyone about this, it’d be Eli. Ruth wasn’t one for heart to hearts. She was more like Shaun in that regard, plus he felt she’d react unfavorably. Eli immediately put his arm around Shaun’s shoulders.

“And he ran out?”

“He hates me now,” Shaun said into his hands. “I could see it in his eyes.”

“Son, I find that hard to believe.”

Shaun raised his head. “What?”

“Well, I’ve only seen you together a few times; you’re both so reclusive. I honestly thought you were already an item.”

“An item?!” Shaun hissed.

“I walked in on you boys snuggling on the couch,” Eli deadpanned. “I took Ruthie out to dinner because I thought you’d want some time alone.”

“Oh God…” Shaun moaned, humiliated. “It wasn’t like that. He just—”

“What? Was cuddling on you because he hates you?”

Jesse had been awfully clingy lately. But that was just because…well…Jesse hadn’t explained why. Shaun had gone along with it because he was a pervert.

“Did he actually say he hated you?” Eli asked.

“When I…” Shaun trailed off, his face flushed with embarrassment. “He didn’t kiss me back.”

“Maybe he was surprised.”

“Horrified, more like.”

Eli chuckled. “Did you even let the poor boy get a word in edgewise?”

“No. I know what he was going to say,” Shaun grunted.

“Why don’t you—”

“Grandpa?” Shaun asked. “Can we stop talking about this?”

Eli looked like he was going to say something but changed his mind. “If you want.”

“Can you do me a favor?”

Shaun lifted the hem of his T-shirt. Eli gasped as Shaun exposed the wound on his belly. “Can you help me?”

Eli shook his head. “Oh, Shaun. When are you going to stop doing this to yourself?” But he stood up and gestured for Shaun to follow him.

His grandpa wasn’t a nurse, but he did know a fair bit about first aid. Shaun was in for a few painful minutes of treatment, a prescription antibiotic, and then he was sent to bed. Ruth brought in some lunch, and Eli came in with some Tylenol.

Shaun hadn’t felt so weak in a long time. He let himself be babied. It felt good to be cared for. This was going to have to tide him over until he could get out of town, because no matter what Eli said, Shaun was convinced his life was about to change for the worse.