Permanently Black and Blue - 4. Chapter 4

When Shaun got home, Ruth was up in arms.

“Detention?” She yelled at the top of her considerable lungs. “Exploding things in science class?! You little delinquent!”

He didn’t feel the need to defend himself. Even though, technically, he’d had no part in the mishap in chemistry, not once had it crossed Shaun’s mind to rat Jesse out. He just wasn’t the sort to fucking tattle.

“It was an accident,” Shaun said. He forced his way around Ruth and made his way toward his room in the back of the house.

Ruth followed him down the hall.

“I know damn well nothings ever an accident with you,” she hissed. “You’re just like your father.”

That was fucking low.

Shaun paused on the threshold to his bedroom, his back to Ruth as he shook with the force of his restrained anger.

Normally, he would have swung his fists first and waited to regret it later, but this was his Grandma. He couldn’t very well kill his own Grandma, no matter how tempting it was. People were expecting it after all, and Shaun didn’t live up to anyone’s expectations.

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Shaun said quietly, his voice wavering. He didn’t turn around, but he could feel Ruth’s dark gaze drilling into the back of his head.

“You’re worthless,” Ruth sneered, before she backed off, leaving Shaun alone in the hall. He wanted to do something childish, like punch a hole in the wall or at least slam his bedroom door behind him loud enough for Ruth to hear it and know how angry he was, but he didn’t.

He went into his room and turned his music on loud. He thought about cutting himself again, a nice new line beside the one from Monday, but he didn’t feel like it.

Sure, Ruth was a mean bitch, but she’d always been and always would be. She didn’t bother him all that much.

And besides, he still felt strange from that unexpected walk home with Jesse.

“We’re still friends, right?” Jesse had asked, all too innocently. Shaun kept thinking Jesse was going to start laughing at him, call him a “pathetic loser”, or maybe a “goddamn freak” before he left to go and laugh with his friends.

Nobody had ever wanted to be his friend. Ever! And it was ridiculous to think Jesse, a completely normal, reasonably popular boy, wanted to be his.

There had to be some fucking catch, because if someone really wanted to be a part of Shaun’s life, it could never be for real.

Instead of sitting in his room and cutting his arms up, Shaun climbed out his bedroom window and went around the house to the garage.

His gun was hanging up in the back, next to two of Eli’s. He borrowed an old coat he found draped over the workbench, pleased to find two worn cigarettes and a lighter with the American flag on it in the pocket.

As he’d already told Jesse, he liked to shoot things.

The woods behind his house were full of things to kill. Little stupid animals, squirrels and rabbits, sometimes even a stray cat or a deer or two, but he wasn’t looking for anything that big today.

He just needed to relieve some fucking stress.

Shaun walked for a while. He stopped in one of his favorite places about a mile from home and hunkered down to wait.

Generally, Shaun was pretty patient. He could wait for long periods of time, especially if it was something worth waiting for. And usually waiting for a kill was worth it. But today he was distracted.

All he could think about was Jesse and that kind of pissed him off.

Jesse had gotten in trouble in Mr. Barnes’ class, just for him. And he hadn’t whined or complained once about it, he’d even smiled when Shaun had shown up in detention. Jesse was impressed by Shaun, interested in him. It also seemed as if Jesse were becoming somewhat resilient to Shaun’s bad moods. Or at least he was trying.

Shaun didn’t exactly know what to do about it either.

But just then, Shaun saw a squirrel scrambling down from a nearby tree. Shaun took careful aim, following the tiny gray animal in his sight, waiting for it to pause. There was a split second when it seemed to hesitate and Shaun squeezed the trigger.

The squirrel’s head exploded in a messy and somewhat disgusting display. It wasn’t very sporting of Shaun to be hunting tiny animals with his rifle, but he didn’t feel like being fair at the moment.

And what did it matter anyway? He would have killed it either way.

This way, the stupid little thing was sent to hell just a little sooner.

Shaun spent the rest of the afternoon in a similar manner. Usually, he would have taken his best kills home with him so Ruth could cook them up, but he didn’t feel like going back home.

As the sun began to set and Shaun grew hungrier and more tired, he realized with resentment that he was heading in a very familiar direction, almost without thought. Though it couldn’t have been without at least some subconscious decision, because Shaun was heading toward an area he knew very well didn’t have a lot of game and the very reason there wasn’t was because it was so often populated with humans.

The clearing behind Mr. Jay’s farm was the local teenage hangout. There were always parties going on there, as long as the weather permitted, and sometimes even when it didn’t.

Shaun had never been invited to one of the parties there, but he watched them sometimes, just to see what all the fuss was about.

It was pretty run of the mill stuff, drinking, smoking, girls socializing, boys fighting, couples making out.

By the time Shaun arrived it was getting late. He was starting to shiver from the cold, exhaustion, and hunger, but he’d already spotted Jesse and there was no way he was leaving without getting a good look.

Lighting a cigarette in an attempt to warm up, Shaun watched Jesse talk with his friends.

Shaun had spent the last few hours trying not to think about him, but he had been anyway.

He’d sort of pictured Jesse sitting, bored and glum faced at the stupid party. He’d imagined Jesse wishing Shaun was there with him, the two of them having some stupid inane conversation.

But of course, this was real life and Jesse didn’t look bored. On the contrary, he looked like he was having a great time. Shaun couldn’t hear what was being said, but he felt stupidly self-conscious. Jesse looked like he was telling everyone a story or something and when they started laughing, Shaun got the distinct feeling Jesse had been talking about him.

He glared at Jesse, trying to imagine what stupid and embarrassing things he could be telling his little friends about him.

And then Jesse looked at him…right at him. Shaun stood his ground. He raised his chin and determinedly stared him down, but Jesse only stared blankly back.

Maybe Jesse couldn’t see him after all. Shaun considered moving into the light, so he could, but he didn’t want everyone’s attention on him. Just Jesse’s, he thought bitterly.

After a few moments of Shaun staring at Jesse and Jesse focusing on apparently nothing, Kyle, a fag who just so happened to be the little brother of the town’s only drug dealer, appeared, startling Jesse and drawing his attention away. Shaun stayed just long enough to watch Jesse start smoking before he turned and headed home.

Shaun woke up the next morning, sprawled across his bed. He’d opened a fresh new cut on his thigh the night before and was displeased to find he’d bled through the rag he’d tied around it.

Already in a horrible mood, Shaun tore the sheet off his bed, crumpled it up and threw it in his closet. He’d try to wash the blood out later. Hopefully tomorrow, when Ruth and Eli went to church. If he was home by tomorrow morning.

Shaun got dressed, taking a few minutes to crudely wrap some gauze around his leg. It was already three, and Shaun had stuff to do today.

He got some cereal from the kitchen and ate it in the living room, enjoying the relative silence of the house. He turned on the TV, watching some old black and white with disinterest.

“Morning, son.” Eli appeared. He sat on the couch beside Shaun.

Shaun grunted an unfriendly greeting.

“You were out pretty late last night.” Shaun’s grandfather said, watching him eat with half-lidded eyes.

“So?”

“Your grandmother was upset.”

“I can’t help that,” Shaun said, shrugging off any blame or guilt.

“She said the school called her. Told her about that stunt you pulled in Chemistry.”

“For fucks sake…” Shaun muttered, shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. He considered getting up and leaving the room, but he tended to at least listen to what Eli had to say. He was one of the only people who seemed to care about him, even though Ruth must have as well. Most people didn’t bitch at you unless they gave a shit.

“I won’t lecture you,” Eli said, which was practically music to Shaun’s ears, but then he had to go and ruin it by doing just that. “But you’ve got to clean up your act, Shaun. It tears Ruthie up every time she hears about you getting into trouble. You know what it reminds her of.”

“That’s not my fault!” Shaun cried. He almost threw his cereal at the damned TV. “Tell her to fucking forget about him if it bothers her so much. I fucking have.”

“Shaun…”

“Fuck you. I don’t have to listen to this.” Shaun stood up and stomped to the kitchen. He dumped his breakfast into the sink. “I’m going out!” he yelled before he escaped out the front door.

His guitar was in the garage. It was the only place Ruth allowed him to play. Shaun grabbed the case and amp and dragged the whole lot of it to Eli’s beat up Ford. He shoved everything in the back and climbed in. As always, the keys were in the ignition. Shaun started the shitty car, backed out onto the road, slammed the car into drive, and gunned it to 60.

It was quite a drive to Will’s house, almost forty-five minutes away in the next town. Will was the lead singer of Execute Invasion, Shaun’s band. They normally practiced every Saturday, unless they had a gig, then they’d find other days of the week to practice. Technically, practice didn’t start until sometime after six since Will tended to get drunk Friday nights. Danny had a kid to take care of and Ben had a girlfriend to please. Shaun hated his bandmates with varying degrees of intensity but would have rather been there practicing with them than at school or at home with his grandparents.

He loved music. More than anything. It was the one thing that never disappointed or let him down. It was brutal and awesome, and he felt untouchable when he was playing.

That effect was multiplied when he had someone decent to play with. The band, for example, were all pretty good. He was the best skill wise, or at least he liked to think so. The others were all getting up there in age. They had day jobs.

Will, the second youngest at twenty-nine, was the only one who’d had some sort of success. He’d been a lead singer in another band about five years ago. They’d gotten signed to a small, but respectable label and they’d toured around the country for a few years. Eventually, the constant touring got to the young band. Will overdosed on a cocktail of drugs and had spent half a year in rehab. As they grew more and more out of control, they started to lose money, gigs, fans, left and right. Before long, the label dropped them and the whole thing just fell apart.

When he was really drunk, Will sometimes talked about how good the old days were. It was pretty sad, and Shaun had definitely had his doubts about hooking up with the washed-up singer, but like Shaun had told Jesse, there really weren’t a lot of death metal bands around. And most of them weren’t hiring anyway.

So, he stuck with the washed-up has-beens, because getting paid to play guitar was a pretty sweet deal and he liked playing either way, so why not.

Will’s front door was open, so Shaun went right in.

He’d cooled down on the ride over, but he thought a beer or maybe something a little stronger would mellow him out a bit more.

“Hey,” Shaun said as he passed Will on his way into the kitchen. Will had a shitty house, a little one-bedroom deal with an attached heated garage that they used as a practice space. He was slumped on the couch, half awake, watching porn.

“What are you doing here?” Will asked groggily. He was half naked, only a stained pair of briefs covering him. He scratched his hairy stomach. “Practice isn’t for like…two hours.”

“I had to get out of there,” Shaun grunted in reply. He returned to the living room with a can of beer he’d swiped from the refrigerator.

Will huffed. He knew just enough about Shaun’s home life to know it was better not to ask questions. He reluctantly moved over, making room for Shaun to sit on the sagging couch.

There were two girls on the TV, both blondes, getting fucked up the ass by an enormous black cock.

“I fucked a groupie like that once,” Will said after several minutes of silence, interrupted only by the sounds of sex. “Not the one with the little tits…that one.” The older man pointed to the blonde with slightly larger breasts and smiled, slow and sleazy like. “Yeah…her.”

“Oh yeah?” Shaun wasn’t all that interested. He’d heard numerous stories of Will’s past lays and had never been all that interested to begin with.

“Yeah. Just wait until we’re big enough to have groupies… Maybe we can get you laid.” Will sniggered at his own joke while Shaun continued to glare at the TV. He drained his beer in a single gulp and got up for another.

“Tsk, don’t drink it all, kid. Unless you wanna pay for some for once.”

“Whatever.” Shaun huffed. He got another drink.

Hanging out with Will wasn’t exactly a fun experience. He either insisted on talking about himself or making lame jokes at Shaun’s expense.

At first it pissed Shaun off royally and he was itching to hit the smug asshole in the face, but after a couple beers, he didn’t care anymore.

Luckily, before too long, Will disappeared into the back to take a shower and get dressed. Shaun took the opportunity to raid Will’s pantry for food.

Eventually, the other guys showed up.

“What’s up, man,” Ben greeted as he came in. He glanced around the dim living room then took a seat next to Shaun on the couch. He thumped him on the back in a friendly way.

“Same old shit,” Shaun said back, smiling slightly. Ben was his favorite band member and the only person he could really call a friend. They didn’t have much in common besides the band and similar tastes in music, and the only time they ever hung out was during practice and when the band went out together, but he was a nice guy.

“Tell me about it. At least you don’t have a girlfriend nagging your ear off,” Ben said before launching into another horror story involving his girlfriend, her parents, and the approaching wedding. That’s right. Shaun kept forgetting he was engaged now.

“Don’t get married,” Will said, as he reappeared from the other room. “Women are nothing but trouble.”

“They fuck with the music,” Shaun added.

“Damn right they do,” Will said enthusiastically. “That’s why I let young Shaun here play instead of that other fuck head, Hank. Shaun won’t be getting a girl anytime soon.” He laughed, once again making fun of Shaun and his limited prowess with the ladies.

“Dude, lay off, OK,” Ben said, sending Shaun an apologetic look.

“Fuck you,” Shaun said absently. He fucked girls. Maybe not as many as Will had, the man had been in a headlining band, for fucks sake! And maybe not as much as Ben…or Danny…but that didn’t mean he hadn’t been with any girls. He’d had sex before, he reassured himself.

“Hiya douchebags.” Danny strolled in, late as usual. “We gonna practice or what?”

As they set up in the garage Will told them about their gig next Saturday. They were playing another crappy bar and were being paid very little, but apparently Will had a deal with the owner, and they could have as many drinks as they liked afterward. The owner must not know how much they could put away. Will alone could outdrink the rest of the band, and they were no slouches when it came to alcohol.

“We’ll practice on Friday then,” Will said decisively. He’d put a shirt on and ran his fingers through his longish-brown hair. He was attractive when he tried, which always got them a few pleased looks from the girls in the audience. But usually when they started playing it was a different story. Will didn’t have the best voice for death metal, it was definitely loud, but it was a little too screechy to do anything but clash disharmoniously with the music.

“Shit, man. I’m supposed to have Connor Friday night,” Danny said from behind his drum kit. “Can we practice earlier?”

“Fuck you and your fucking kid,” Will groused, receiving a raised eyebrow from Danny. Will sighed. “How early?”

“I don’t know. Before he gets out of school.”

“I’ve got school,” Shaun reminded them, pissed they never seemed to remember he was still in high school.

“Give it up dude, your never gonna get out of that place.” Danny poked his drumstick in Shaun’s direction. “You should drop out already. I could get you a job at Wal-Mart.”

Ben rolled his eyes at the old conversation but didn’t butt in. His long fingers plucked restlessly at the strings of his bass.

“I can be here early,” Shaun grunted just to get Danny to shut up.

“Fine. Now let’s get to it” Will glared at the other band members and all talk stopped. They began to play.

The band went through the entire set list three times. It felt good to be playing again. They all sounded reasonably good for a band playing in a garage, but the normal level of calm didn’t come to him today. For some reason when Shaun threw his head back, eyes closed, nimble fingers dancing along the fretboard, his mind wasn’t as blissfully clear as it usually was when he was immersed in his music.

Jesse’s round, freckled face appeared in his mind’s eye. Full pink lips curving around a smile, that ridiculous red hair of his mussed and sticking up in the back, his blue eyes warm.

For once, Shaun was glad when practice was over, and when Will offered to take everyone out to the bar a few blocks away, he eagerly agreed.

They all got a booth in the back of the perpetually dark bar. The seats were made of cheap plastic and the table was sticky with old beer. Will ordered several rounds in quick succession and Shaun allowed himself to get completely wasted within the hour.

Something was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he get Jesse out of his head. Maybe he needed to bleed some more to force him out. It had worked last night. His sleep had been deep and without the pesky interruption of dreams.

At least he was a quiet drunk, and he was able to keep his troubles to himself. Most of them.

“You OK?” Ben asked once Will and Danny had gone to the bar. They were chatting up some slutty looking girls. “You’re acting…different.” Ben said.

“What?” He was acting different? How was he acting different? Shaun looked around as if there would be a precise list somewhere. Besides the whole, constantly thinking and obsessing over a random red-haired boy, he didn’t think he was acting any differently.

Ben didn’t seem to know what it was about Shaun that was different either, because he only shrugged. “You’re not letting Will get to you again, are you?” Shaun sneered at the mention of the lead singer even though he’d been sitting amicably next to him for the past two hours. “Don’t fuck him up again, dude, I really need the money from this next gig. It’s not much, but weddings are expensive.”

“I’m not gonna beat ‘im up,” Shaun growled.

Surprisingly, that didn’t seem to make Ben feel any better. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much,” he pointed out.

“Fuck…you.”

Ben sighed. “Just trying to help.” This wasn’t the first time Shaun had insisted on being stubborn. They’d all learned early on not to push the sullen teenager’s buttons when he didn’t want to be bothered. It never ended well for anyone. So, Shaun watched bleary eyed as Ben gave up on him and leaned back in the booth with his arms crossed.

Unfortunately for Danny and Will, they were both too drunk to be picking up girls and after multiple rejections they were thrown out of the bar. The four of them stumbled back to Will’s house for lack of anything better to do.

The rest of the night was a blur. Shaun remembered watching more porn with the guys before Angela, Ben’s girlfriend, showed up and dragged the bassist out of the house. She was yelling up a storm and threatened to call off the wedding.

He remembered Will telling the story about the time he got busted for sneaking cocaine over the border. He and Danny laughed and laughed.

Danny whipped out a joint after that. He promised it was “just” weed, but it made Shaun’s head spin. He ended up puking all over the floor twenty minutes after smoking.

The last thing he remembered was Will and Danny arguing drunkenly over who was going to clean it up. He passed out on the couch before they could decide.

There was still puke on the floor when Shaun woke up the next day. He narrowly avoided stepping in it on his way to the bathroom.

About 50 percent of the time he ended up crashing at Will’s place Saturday night. The only time he didn’t stay was when Will and Danny found girls for the night. It was always awkward sitting around and waiting for them to finish fucking some random chick.

Once, Will had convinced a random pickup to fuck him and knowing he’d be teased mercilessly if he didn’t, Shaun had agreed. Having two other guys watch him lose his virginity with a girl so drunk she had passed out right in the middle had been humiliating. It hadn’t even felt good. He tried to avoid a repeat performance ever since it had happened.

Shaun threw up in the toilet. His head ached and his mouth was dry and scratchy. He felt miserably sick inside. He needed beer. Hair of the dog and all that. So, after he grabbed a few towels to throw over the mess he’d made on the floor, he went into the kitchen to get more alcohol. It was the only way he knew of to get rid of hangovers.

Danny was gone and Will was asleep in his bedroom. Shaun hung out for a while, watching TV and drinking. Eventually Will stumbled out of his room. He looked surprised to see Shaun sprawled out in his living room.

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be, man?” Will prodded.

Shaun shrugged.

“Well, if you’re going to hang around, at least clean this shit up.” Will nodded toward the towel-covered vomit on the floor. Then he slipped into the bathroom. Realizing now was probably the best time to leave, Shaun mustered up the energy to drive the forty-five minutes back to his house.

By the time he got home it was dinnertime. Eli and Ruth sat at the table, in the midst of another roast. Shaun had grabbed something to eat at the drive-through on the way back, so he wasn’t hungry. He stalked past his grandparents.

“So nice of you to drop-in,” Ruth bitched.

Shaun totally ignored her. He stomped to his room and slammed the door behind him. He turned on his music and cranked it up loud. He had sulking down to an art. Brooding, slamming doors, and playing obnoxiously loud music was his forte.

Doubly irritated, he noticed signs Ruth had been poking around in his room again. That awful flowery smell she liked to spray around the house permeated the air. The bed was freshly made, and the piles of clothes on the floor had been washed and put away. The bloody sheet was gone.

Shaun sat on the edge of his bed. He suddenly felt exhausted. He’d been lying around all day, but he’d never felt more tired.

There was a knock on his door.

“Shaun?” Eli’s voice drifted from the hall. “Aren’t you hungry?”

He didn’t answer. He stared blankly at the wall.

Now that he was back home, he realized how stupid he was being. He’d spent the entire weekend trying to forget about Jesse, to drown his sunny face from his thoughts with alcohol and various illegal substances. Even worse, Shaun knew Jesse hadn’t thought about him once the entire weekend. He knew with a bone deep certainty Jesse had spent time with his new friends and had enjoyed it immensely.

“Shaun, can I come in?” Eli asked. He jiggled the door handle.

“Leave me alone,” Shaun snapped. He wasn’t in the mood for company. His thoughts hovered around him in a dark and dismal cloud. The alcohol he’d previously consumed was making everything worse. Nausea overtook him. He felt like throwing up again.

“You know I can’t do that Shaun. We…we all need to sit down and have a talk,” Eli said through the door. “I’m coming in—”

Feeling a spike of white-hot anger erupt from deep inside him, Shaun leapt to his feet. He crossed the room in two steps and jerked the door open.

Eli stood in the hall. His arm outstretched.

Shaun got in his face. “If you don’t leave me the fuck alone, I swear to god I’ll murder you!” He yelled, a bit of spittle landing on his bottom lip.

Eli shrunk back. “Son—”

“I’m not your fucking son!” Shaun screamed. His nostrils flared, his eyes burned with fury. He kicked the door shut in Eli’s face, stormed over to the stereo and turned the music all the way up.

The music tore through Shaun’s body like a knife through tissue paper. For once, he wasn’t enjoying the riffs of the guitar and the pounding beat of the drum. He wasn’t about to turn it down though. He shuffled to the bed and fell across the mattress, limp, totally zapped of energy. He curled up on the bed and let himself wallow in his misery.

He was pathetic. A disgusting freak who had no business being alive. He hated himself. He wished for the umpteenth time that he was dead.

That’d show all those stuck up pussies at school.

Instead of slitting his wrists and letting himself bleed to death like he so often thought about, he pulled out his stash of weed and smoked the last it. He made a mental note to talk to Kyle tomorrow.

Eventually, he fell asleep.

“It’s time for school.”

Shaun was roused from a deep sleep by the sound of Ruth’s voice. He was face down in bed, drooling slightly, one leg hanging off the mattress. He rolled to his side and peered up at his grandma. She stood at the foot of the bed. Her arms folded sternly.

“I know what you’ve been up to,” she hissed. “You need to pray for forgiveness.”

Shaun grunted and rubbed his face against the bedsheet. It was too early for this shit.

“I won’t let you turn out like your father,” Ruth continued in her doom and gloom voice. “You’re going to school today. And you’re coming to church with me Wednesday. You won’t turn into a delinquent…at least not while I’m around.”

“Grandma—”

“Take a shower, put some clean clothes on and comb your hair, Shaun. I have breakfast ready for you.” Ruth threw her grandson a heated look then she left the room.

Rolling his eyes, Shaun got up and went to the bathroom to piss. He had another hangover, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been the day before. He sniffed under his arms as he stood in front of the toilet. He didn’t smell too bad, so he skipped the shower. He scratched his fingers through his tangled, frizzy hair but that only made it worse. He didn’t bother changing his clothes. They were basically clean.

Ruth didn’t comment when he came into the kitchen looking exactly the same. She set a glass of orange juice on the table next to a plate of scrambled eggs and toast.

“Not hungry,” he said simply, though he did grab the juice. It tasted better than morning breath anyway.

Looking displeased, Ruth handed Shaun his lunch and his bag. “I’d better not get another call from the school,” she said.

Shaun grit his teeth. He snatched his bag from Ruth and stuffed the lunch inside. He finished the juice, got up and stormed out of the house.

“Fucking bullshit,” he cursed under his breath. Outside, he paced the length of the driveway, anxious to get the day started. He didn’t look toward Jesse’s house. The thought of what he might see sent his nerves into overdrive.

He had to wait about five minutes, but finally, the bus arrived.

His stomach clenched into a knot. His heart hammered in his chest. He crossed the street and shouldered his way onto the bus.

At the top of the stairs, he looked down the aisle.

Jesse waited for him. He smiled and waved enthusiastically.

There was an instant lessening of tension in his gut, but Shaun couldn’t stop his heart from beating like a drum. He edged down the aisle as the bus took off. He was fighting a smile. He bit down on his tongue as hard as he could to stop it.

“Hey!” Jesse chirped, way too fucking excited for a Monday. “Oh…you OK? Your eyes are red.”

Shaun sat in his customary seat at the back of the bus. He shrugged. “Hangover,” he muttered.

“Wow.” Jesse looked impressed. He leapt up, abandoning his bag. Shaun watched him warily as he slid into the seat beside him. “You were drinking on a school night?” Jesse asked.

Shaun blinked. “You’re in my seat.”

“C’mon, let me see,” Jesse said and grudgingly, Shaun turned to face him fully. Jesse touched Shaun’s cheek with the tips of his fingers. He looked deeply into his eyes. Slowly, his lips curved into a devastating smile. “Jeez…how much did you drink last night?”

Shaun knocked Jesse’s hand away, fighting a blush. What was wrong with Jesse anyway? Why did he always insist on looking at him and touching him?

“It was a long weekend,” he said casually, but his heart was all aflutter. He grabbed his thigh over the deep cut and squeezed as hard as he could.

“Really? Mine was boring,” Jesse pouted.

“Liar. You went to a party,” Shaun said.

“Yeah, I did.” Jesse’s hand fell away. He shifted so his shoulder rested against Shaun’s.

Shaun’s instincts told him to shove Jesse away and send him back to his own seat, but Jesse didn’t even notice the small contact. It was like this was a normal occurrence with him. And it really wasn’t such a big deal, Shaun admitted grudgingly. Nobody could see them. Still, he concentrated a little more than was healthy on the feel of Jesse’s arm pressed against his.

“I had to babysit all day Saturday though,” Jesse said glumly. “My mom was pissed I stayed out so late Friday. I think she was punishing me. I mean, there was no reason for her to be out all day long,” he said with an eye roll. “Then I went to church with Emily and Kenny on Sunday. It was boring, but I guess Kenny’s an asshole when it comes to Emily dating. I wanted to get some face time with him, so he’ll see what a totally nice guy I am.”

“What?” Jesse went to church? And he was already planning to ask Emily out? How much worse could things get?!

“You don’t think I should go out with Emily?” Jesse asked. “I think she’s cute.”

“She’s a fucking bitch,” Shaun growled.

Unexpectedly, Jesse laughed. “She’s not so bad.”

Shaun turned to the window with a huff. Stupid Jesse, ignoring Shaun’s sagely advice. Emily was a preppy whore. Jesse could do better.

“So, are you going to tell me about your weekend now that you’ve gotten to critique mine?” Jesse asked in amusement. He poked Shaun in the ribs to get his attention. It tickled.

Shaun did push him away this time. His nostrils flared with rage. “Why are you so obsessed with what I’m doing all the time?” he asked sharply. He purposefully didn’t think about the weekend he’d spent obsessing over Jesse.

“I already told you. We’re friends.” Jesse poked Shaun again. He grinned when Shaun flinched and tried to stifle a smile. “Does that tickle?”

Shaun slapped his hand away, highly offended. “Quit it,” he hissed. “And we never agreed to be friends.”

“Yes, we did. We said…well you said you ‘guessed’ we could be friends.” Jesse reminded him. “That’s practically an iron clad agreement.”

Shaun sneered. Friends? What a load of shit. He wanted to say it out loud, but when he caught sight of Jesse’s warm blue eyes, his eager smile, he caved.

“If it’s so important to you, I went hunting on Friday, practiced with my band Saturday and spent Sunday drinking and smoking so I wouldn’t have to deal with the hangover from the night before.”

Jesse perked up. “Band practice? That’s awesome. I bet you guys are really good.”

“What the fuck…how do you figure that?” Shaun was flattered, but he had an irrational fear Jesse was only pulling his leg.

“I don’t know. I can’t imagine you sucking at anything you do.”

“Fuck you.” Again, with the flattery. Jesse was treating him like a girl, someone who constantly needed to be fawned over. As revenge, Shaun poked Jesse back. He did it meanly and as roughly as possible, right in the middle of his stomach.

Jesse laughed. “I’m ticklish!” He giggled and flailed around as Shaun poked him several times in rapid succession. Shaun was quickly on the verge of laughter as well. Jesse giggled like a madman and his face was red with exertion. When Jesse threw himself in Shaun’s lap, doubling over with laughter, Shaun withdrew his hand. He glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed their strange behavior, but they were still alone; minus Jesse’s little brother.

The middle-schooler watched them over his shoulder with an eyebrow raised.

Shaun shoved Jesse back to his side of the seat.

“You’re so mean,” Jesse whined, but he seemed to be joking. In fact, when he got his breathing under control, he flashed a brilliant grin in Shaun’s direction. His eyes sparkled with mirth.

“Jesus Christ,” Shaun muttered. He turned toward the window to hide his reddening cheeks.

Jesse leaned his head on Shaun’s shoulder. His fucking shoulder! Like some girl cuddling up to her boyfriend!

“Let’s do something after school, OK?” Jesse said with a dreamy sigh. “If you don’t mind kids, maybe you can come help me babysit.”

“I’m not fucking gay, all right?” Shaun sputtered. Fuck, Jesse was coming onto him, wasn’t he!

“Ah… OK. Who said you were?”

Shaun glared at him. “You’re all fucking over me!” He was embarrassed he had to point it out.

“Oh.” Jesse blinked. He sat up slowly until they were no longer touching.

Shaun scowled and looked away. He could feel his cheeks getting hot again. He regretted saying anything, and he didn’t know why. He wasn’t gay. He was straight! He didn’t need some redheaded boy laying all over him.

“Sorry,” Jesse muttered. “I’m used to hanging out with my little brother. He’s always climbing in your lap and shit.”

A little weirded out by that comment, Shaun glanced up toward the front of the bus where Jesse’s little brother was talking with two little middle school girls, Natasha and Maggie. The kid didn’t look young enough to be climbing in anyone’s lap. As he was surveying Jesse’s little brother, who’s name he’d forgotten, he noticed Kenny and Emily and their little gang sitting in their usual seats near the front. Sometime during Shaun’s and Jesse’s rousing conversation, they’d gotten on the bus.

Kenny and Rick glared daggers at Shaun. Emily watched her precious little Jesse with an unhealthy longing. None of them looked happy.

Shaun leered at them. For once, he’d beaten those stuck up brats, and he hadn’t even been trying.

“So…do you want to come over tonight?”

“What?” Shaun was pulled back to the conversation with a jolt.

“Do you wanna hang out after school?” Jesse asked.

“I ah…” Shaun stalled. He didn’t know what to say. Jesse was still acting like a fag and Shaun definitely wasn’t into that, but he also wanted very much to hang out with him, if he was being completely honest with himself. Nobody bothered to try to get close to him. Even his bandmates only did it out of familiarity and necessity. Jesse had no such obligations, but he still wanted to be Shaun’s friend. Shaun was still aware it wasn’t healthy to be sneaking around, spying on Jesse and then spending an entire weekend, drunk, trying to keep his thoughts from running over him again and again. But something clicked into place. For once, Shaun would take a chance.

“I mean,” Jesse hedged. “I can’t imagine watching me babysit sounds fun—”

“I’ll come over, I guess.”

Jesse grinned. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Shaun said with a shrug.

“Great! We could…we could play X-box or watch TV or—”

“Or whatever.” Shaun was a little disturbed by Jesse’s eagerness, but he was pleased as well. He couldn’t remember a time when someone had been excited to be with him.

“Yeah or whatever.” Jesse bounced with excitement. He grinned and Shaun couldn’t help it, he cracked a smile, too.

The anguish Shaun had put himself through over the weekend melted away. All that was left was an unbearable longing for the day to hurry up and be over with. He wanted to hang out with his stupid, stubbornly attached new friend.

Shaun’s first class were largely uneventful. He sat through English, pleased with the hateful looks he got from Kenny. The jock seemed to be under the impression that Jesse had abandoned him in favor of Shaun.

Shaun wished that was the case, but Jesse had mentioned the party he’d gone to with Kenny and Emily when he and Shaun stopped at their lockers before first period. He’d also brought up Kyle and his dank weed, which reminded Shaun about his dwindled pot supplies. He decided he’d need to talk to Kyle before he went to Jesse’s house that night.

Miss Stevens was harping on about poetry again and Shaun, bored by her speech, carved the word bitch onto his desktop for lack of anything better to do.

Science class brought a marked improvement. Jesse’s eyes lit up when he walked in and spotted Shaun at their usual table. Shaun didn’t let it show, but he was pleased to see him, too. He almost did something stupid, like smile.

“Hey there.” Jesse sat beside him.

Shaun grunted a greeting.

When class started, Mr. Barnes began his lecture without preamble. Jesse immediately passed Shaun a note.

It wasn’t anything significant, just some silly ramblings about math class and how Jesse didn’t like that snob Jordan. Shaun read the note, pleased with himself. Jesse had spent their hour apart storing up things to tell him. He took out a pencil and added a couple lines about his English class.

Mr. Barnes looked their way a few times, but he never caught them passing notes.

When class ended, Jesse put his book away in slow motion. “So… Are you sure you don’t want to sit at my table during lunch?” He seemed to be stalling for time. He closed his notebook and held it to his chest, watching Shaun intently.

“Fuck no.” Shaun spat. He couldn’t believe Jesse would even ask.

“I just…” Jesse said. He put his notebook away and zipped his bag up. “Never mind.” He shook his head and Shaun scowled at him.

Great. Jesse was already tired of choosing between Shaun and his other friends.

How long would it take before Jesse got it through his head Shaun and the other kids just didn’t mix? How long before he gave up and Shaun was alone again?

Shaun swung his bag over his shoulder and stormed out of the room. He was pissed off and irritated. He was always alone. He didn’t have friends. He should have known Jesse would get tired of him. He elbowed his way through the crowded hallway, eager to start the inevitable demise of his only friendship.

A hand wrapped around his forearm.

“Hey, wait up,” Jesse called.

Shaun stopped in the middle of the hall. Jesse stood behind him, his eyes brimming with concern. Shaun sneered and tore his arm out of Jesse’s grip. “What?”

Jesse pressed his hand to his chest as if he’d been wounded. “I’ll see you later, right?” he asked softly.

Shaun huffed. He was overreacting and people were watching them. “I said I’d come over, didn’t I?” he snapped. He gestured for Jesse to follow him.

“Well… I’m just making sure,” Jesse said in exasperation. “I mean, I won’t get to talk to you for the rest of the day, right?”

“Fuck off,” Shaun said halfheartedly.

Jesse had been right, of course. Shaun kept his distance once Jesse rejoined his friends. When history ended, Jesse left with Emily. He met Shaun’s eyes from across the room, but he didn’t try to approach him.

But Shaun wasn’t upset.

When lunch rolled around, he watched Jesse and his admirers with a numb acceptance. He ignored Kenny’s triumphant look. He obviously had no idea Jesse had invited Shaun to his house after school. Shaun was invited…not Kenny, and that utterly nullified the jock’s smug self-assurance.

Gym was more of the same. Shaun could tell Jesse wanted to talk to him, but he was easily distracted by Eric and Kenny and another round of kickball, which Shaun wasn’t allowed to participate in

When Shaun finished his classes for the day, he stopped by Kyle’s locker.

He was alone, rummaging through some papers.

“Hey.”

Kyle turned. His lips curved into lusty smile. “Hey sugar. Is there something I can do for you?”

He always asked that. And he always smiled in that sly and disgusting way Shaun had long ago realized was supposed to be flirty. If Shaun didn’t like Kyle’s weed so much, he would have castrated the sick fuck years ago.

“You know what I want.” Shaun crossed his arms.

“Well, you know I don’t have it here,” Kyle said with amusement. “I’ll bring you some after school, OK, big boy?”

Shaun grunted.

Kyle was an interesting breed. Not only was he a closet gay and a drug dealer, he was also a conniving snake.

Their mutual history started in middle school when Shaun had first bought some green. After a few successful transactions, Kyle had struck up a cautious friendship between them.

Shaun had been naïve. He’d been glad to meet someone who didn’t regard him with fear and disgust. He’d welcomed Kyle’s friendship with…well…a little less hostility than he had Jesse’s. Honestly, he may have been naïve, but he’d never been trusting.

While they were friends, they didn’t talk much outside school.

They met on the bleachers after school once, maybe twice a week to talk and smoke. It wasn’t a big deal. Before too long, however, Kyle confined some heavy secrets about his home life. And all at once, the meetups after school weren’t so casual.

Kyle told Shaun he and his stepdad had sex whenever his mom wasn’t home. He told Shaun how he liked to get high and have several of his stepdad’s such-inclined friends gang bang him. Kyle told him he loved cock and that he was a raving homosexual.

Shaun had totally disgusted by the things Kyle told him, who wouldn’t have been? But Shaun hadn’t had the best childhood himself, so he tried not to judge.

Like a good friend, Shaun had kept Kyle’s secret.

They continued to meet after school, though Kyle was busy at home most the time, doing things Shaun was happy not to know about.

Shaun kept waiting for Kyle to ask him about his secrets, the ones all the kids, even the adults, whispered about behind his back, but he never did.

And soon Shaun realized that it was because Kyle wasn’t interested in what Shaun had to say. In fact, it was what Shaun wasn’t interested in saying that had caught Kyle’s attention.

One day, Kyle had asked Shaun to fuck him.

Shaun had been embarrassed and frankly disgusted by his so-called friend’s casual offer of sex. Especially after all the things Kyle had told him, Shaun would never put his dick anywhere near the other boy.

Shaun had vehemently refused, thinking that’d be the end of it, but Kyle had become enraged.

“Nobody likes you,” Kyle had told him outright. “You should be grateful I’d even want to touch you.”

He’d threatened to tell everybody Shaun was a faggot and that he’d tried to rape him, which was ironic as that was basically what Kyle was trying to do to Shaun.

Kyle had friends. He was popular—well, more popular than Shaun—and his dealer brother protected him .

People liked Kyle.

And he was right. Nobody liked Shaun. No one was going to believe him if he told the truth.

Finding out that the only reason anyone had ever wanted him, in any capacity, was because he couldn’t tell was humbling. Shaun didn’t want to be known as a faggot, but he’d still refused. He chose to be known as the town faggot rather than be Kyle’s secret sex toy. But Kyle had never followed through with his threat.

Shaun was hurt. He’d become embittered by the whole thing. He’d tried to stay far away from Kyle, but after a few months of not speaking, Shaun had crawled back to him, looking to buy.

Thus, the mocking flirtation and the silly name calling had started. It grated on Shaun’s nerves, but he put up with it. It was that or live a sober life.

The memory pissed Shaun off. He was almost glad for the long walk home. Shaun listened to his music and distracted himself by wondering what Jesse had planned for the night.

Whatever they did, at least he knew Jesse would appreciate the pot.

Shaun got home before the bus went past. He’d walked faster than usual, eager to get home so he could go to Jesse’s house. He had to wait in the garage until it was safe.

“Shaun?”

Ruth’s voice came from the back of the house.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Shaun tracked his grandma to the master bedroom. She sat on the bed, patching a hole on a pair of Eli’s work pants.

“How was your day?”

Shaun shrugged. “Wonderful.”

“No trouble?”

“None.”

“Good.” Ruth peered at him. “You’re to stay inside today. I don’t want you out there doing God knows what.”

“I’m going to my friend’s house today,” Shaun said, his eyes narrowing to slits.

Ruth responded in kind. “Is that so?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t make me ground you, young man,” Ruth said. The two of them glared at each other.

“Fuck off,” Shaun sneered. He turned on his heel and darted across the hall to his room.

“You come back here, you little shit!” Ruth yelled after him, but they both knew he wouldn’t. She didn’t even come after him.

Shaun dumped his bag in the corner and went to crouch next to his bed. He felt around underneath it, looking for his box.

Feeling the hard edge of the metal, Shaun yanked it out and flipped the lid.

Every cent he owned resided in the box. Money from playing gigs and from doing some odds and ends around the house. There was even a little left over from his parents. A meager inheritance his grandparents had been kind enough to hand his way.

He pulled out sixty.

“Shaun?” Ruth knocked sharply on the door. “I don’t want you going out!”

But Shaun ignored her. He shoved the box back under his bed then rushed to the window. He twisted the latch and pushed it open.

“Shaun!”

“Leave me alone!” Shaun yelled after his grandmother. He vaulted out the window and down into the bushes below.

Ruth didn’t follow him despite her determination to keep him inside. Shaun snuck around the house to wait by the road. He sat in the grass beside the dusty road.

It took a while for Kyle to show up. He got to watch the elementary school bus go past. But eventually Kyle’s old Cadillac came rumbling down the road, pulling partway into Shaun’s driveway.

“What are you doing out here?” Kyle got out of his car. He peered at Shaun over the hood.

“Waiting.” Shaun stood and up and dusted his jeans off. “Give me the usual.”

“Well, right to business then,” Kyle said with a smirk. He leaned across the seat to access the glove box. When he returned, he had a baggie of merchandise.

“Do you have some papers too?”

Kyle raised an eyebrow, but pulled some rolling papers off the dash. Once Kyle had everything on the hood of the car, Shaun snatched it up and left the money behind.

“Always nice doing business with you, sweetie.” Kyle batted his eyes. He smoothly pocketed the cash.

“Yeah,” Shaun grunted. He rolled the baggie up and shoved it in his back pocket. He nodded wordlessly then started the trek to Jesse’s.

“Where are you going?” Kyle called after him. “Need a ride?”

“No,” Shaun said easily, continuing down the road. He thought he was off the hook when he heard Kyle get back into his car and back up, but when the Cadillac pulled up beside him and Kyle rolled down the window, grinning across the empty passenger seat at him, Shaun scowled.

“I know where you’re going,” Kyle said, sounding smug. “You’re going to the new kid’s house. Aren’t you?”

“So, what if I am?”

Kyle smiled. “Get in, honey.”

“For fuck’s sake…” Shaun got in the car. He slammed the door as hard as he possibly could. “Happy now?!” He crossed his arms tightly across his chest.

“Very.” Kyle grinned. His eyes were half lidded and full of something that made Shaun distinctly uncomfortable.

It was a short ride to Jesse’s house. It was barely a mile away. But Kyle drove under the speed limit, irritating Shaun with how obviously he was stretching out their shared time together. He kept quiet, though he wanted to reach across the seat and strangle the conniving little faggot. He sat stiffly in his seat. His hands wedged under his arms.

“So, you’ve got a new friend?” Kyle asked at last. They were almost there. Shaun could see Jesse’s house several yards ahead. He could have gotten out of the car and walked, ran maybe, but now he had to answer Kyle. He didn’t want him thinking he was afraid.

“What’s it to you?” Shaun snarled.

Kyle shrugged. “Nothing. You’re a likeable guy,” he said sweetly. “I mean, I like you.”

“Whatever,” Shaun sneered.

“I’m just wondering why it’s OK for him to like you but it’s not OK if I do.”

Shaun laughed harshly. “Well, you’re a gay whore and Jesse isn’t—”

“That’s not fair. You don’t know anything about Jesse. He could be trying to lure you in before he makes his move.”

Shaun felt this was highly unlikely. Nobody liked him. Not even Kyle liked him. He was just desperate for someone to treat him like a whore.

“Fuck you. He’s into Emily.” It made him sick to bring it up, but it was true. The very thought of Jesse and Emily becoming one of those nauseating couples he saw kissing in the halls infuriated him.

“I didn’t think you were so gullible,” Kyle drawled. “You believed that?”

Shaun lunged across the seat and grabbed a fistful of Kyle’s shirt. The car jerked sharply to the right and tore through a patch of gravel and grass. Kyle eyes bugged out of his stupid face. He slammed on the brakes before they went into the ditch.

“Stay out of my business,” Shaun spat in his face. “The only reason I haven’t slit your throat is because you have good weed. Don’t make me change my fucking mind.”

Kyle swallowed. He jerked his head up and down mechanically. Shaun let him go, gave him one last piercing look, then got out of the car. Kyle didn’t waste any time. He backed up in the middle of the road and drove off.

As Shaun crept up Jesse’s front walk, he started to have second thoughts. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe he should go home, make up an excuse and apologize. But no.

He remembered how good it had felt that morning to have all of Jesse’s attention on him. He hated himself but he wanted to feel that again. He just hoped he’d be able to handle all the undivided attention.

Still feeling uncertain, Shaun knocked on the door.

After a long minute of waiting, Shaun raised his fist to knock again. He was already having second, second thoughts and was wondering how long he should wait for a reply when the door opened.

A little red-haired boy stood in the doorway. Shaun blinked in surprise. He looked so much like Jesse, he thought for one crazy moment Jesse must have magically shrunk himself.

“Who are you?” The boy asked, looking up at Shaun with open curiosity. Well, that solved that then. The little boy wasn’t Jesse after all.

“Shaun.” He said curtly.

He was deeply uncomfortable. He’d never been around a little kid before. He had no idea how to act. He hadn’t realized Jesse had any other siblings besides the one he saw everyday on the bus. Though he supposed it made sense Jesse had another little brother. The one on the bus had to be at least twelve years old, surely old enough to look out for himself for a few hours after school.

“Oh hey!” Jesse swept into the living room, grinning from ear to ear. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you knocking.” He nudged the little boy out of the way and ushered Shaun inside.

“It’s OK,” Shaun said. He made a furtive attempt to scan the room. Jesse’s house was nicer than his, though most of the general furnishings were only of moderate quality. It kind of bothered him that Jesse’s family had more money than his.

“Who’s he?” Another voice spoke up. Shaun whirled around and spotted another little red-headed kid hopping down the stairs. The girl was the same age as the boy. In fact, they might have been twins. Jesus! How many kids did Jesse’s parents have?

Jesse drummed his fingertips together, looking somewhat lost. When he caught the questioning look on Shaun’s face, he relaxed and launched into introductions.

“These are the twins, Allison and Tyler.” Both already looked bored with the proceedings. Allison waved half-heartedly. Tyler rounded the couch and took threw himself into the cushions. “And that’s Sam.” Jesse pointed at the other end of the couch. The very top of a red head could be seen peeking over the back. “Say ‘hi’ you guys!” he ordered.

There was a chorus of ‘hello’s. Shaun fidgeted with his shirt sleeves. He didn’t want anyone to look at him.

Jesse chewed lip. He had a moment of indecision, but then his face brightened considerably.

“We should play Guitar Hero.”

“Not again,” Sam cried from the couch. He didn’t bother to look away from the violent cartoon on the TV.

“I want to play!” Allison rushed to the entertainment center. She changed the TV into video mode, much to Sam’s annoyance, and got the Xbox up and running.

Jesse smiled at his little sister. He collected guitar controllers from a moving box.

“Here.” He gave one to Shaun and took the other, sliding the strap over his shoulder and standing in front of the TV as the game’s screen came up.

“I’ve never played this before,” Shaun said sourly as he followed Jesse’s example.

“Well, you should be awesome at it, right? It’s a guitar.”

Shaun shrugged. If that’s all it was, he shouldn’t have any problems. But then again, there weren’t any strings on the plastic guitar. There were colored buttons and a flip switch.

“What the fuck—” Shaun muttered, wrenching an obnoxious laugh from Tyler.

“Fuck!” he giggled.

“Shut up, little baby.” Sam snapped at the younger boy.

Jesse hit Shaun in the arm with his controller. “You gotta watch what you say in front of the kids,” he hissed, like Shaun should have already known that.

“Sorry,” Shaun grunted. He wished the kids would go away already.

“Wanna pick a song?” Jesse asked. He scrolled through a list of lame songs.

Shaun made a face.

“Play Ed Sheeran,” Allison cried from her place on the couch.

“I hate that song,” Tyler whined. “Do Rage Against the Machine.”

“Naw, we’re going to play Pantera.”

“They suck,” Sam said, but Jesse picked it anyway. Shaun was surprised Jesse had remembered he listened to Pantera, but the surprise vanished as soon as the song came on and “notes” started flying past.

Shaun tried. He did! It wasn’t like he’d never played a video game before, but he preferred real life, as shitty as it was, to some fantasy made up crap. And this was fucking crap.

“You have to press the buttons and the strummer at the same time to play a note,” Jesse said over the sound of Shaun fucking up the song.

Shaun scowled. “Fuck you.” He looked down at his hands, playing with the buttons. By this point, he’d completely forgot about the kids copying his crude language with gusto. “This isn’t like guitar at all.”

“Dude!” Jesse nudged him with his hip. “Watch your mouth.” But the warning fell flat. Jesse was laughing too hard to do much admonishing.

“Go fuck yourself,” Shaun muttered darkly. This game was stupid, and Jesse’s little siblings were laughing at him. He didn’t know why they had to play a stupid game. Why couldn’t they get high?

When the song finished Shaun wanted to quit, but Jesse convinced him to try again. He turned the game on easy and spent a few minutes teaching Shaun how to play, much to everyone’s amusement.

After three songs, Shaun could at least play on easy, but he’d had enough.

He took the guitar controller off, resisting the urge to throw it on the ground. The little girl snatched it from him.

“You suck,” she said, setting off her twin again.

“He stinks too,” Tyler loudly agreed.

Shaun glared hatefully at the little brats. He was no match for the look Jesse gave them.

“Don’t you guys have any manners?” Jesse cried. “Why don’t you two go to your room until you can be nice.”

“No!” Allison stomped her little foot.

“Go upstairs or I’ll tell Mom you wouldn’t listen,” Jesse threatened and somehow—even though Shaun would have kicked anyone who threatened him like that in the balls—it seemed to do the trick.

“I hate you!” The twins yelled in unison. But it worked. They went upstairs, bickering back and forth the whole way.

“You too,” Jesse said, turning to Sam.

“What’d I do?!” Sam yelled.

“Nothing. But you’ve had the living room all week. I want to watch TV with my friend.”

“You’re an asshole,” Sam said. He scowled at his brother, but he was already getting up. He passed Shaun, assessing him with a loaded gaze. He followed the twin upstairs.

“Sorry about that.” Jesse said. He sighed and took off his controller.

“It’s OK,” Shaun grumbled. “I don’t like kids. I fucking hate ‘em.”

“Yeah.” Jesse sat on the couch. “You do watch TV right?” He fiddled with the remote.

“I guess.” Shaun sat beside him. He kept a respectable distance between them. “You’d better not try to watch stupid reality shit.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Jesse grinned. He wiggled over so he could elbow Shaun in the ribs and then he left his arm there, resting against Shaun’s side!

Jesse settled on a channel. “Ninja Warrior’s on.”

Shaun barely watched the stupid show. All he could concentrate on was Jesse’s arm resting against his and wondering if maybe Kyle had had a point. Was Jesse hitting on him? He remembered Jesse pulling a similar stunt earlier on the bus. When he’d leaned his head on Shaun’s shoulder and looked up at him with those striking blue eyes.

But it couldn’t be possible.

Nobody like Jesse, someone so normal and attractive, would ever be into Shaun. Even if he was a homosexual, Jesse would have chased after someone else.

And Shaun already knew Jesse was straight. At least he thought so…

“She’s cute,” Jesse smiled slowly as a muscled girl worked her way through the obstacle course. The crowd cheered.

Shaun quirked an eyebrow. “That girl?” The girl on TV was super ripped.

“She looks like one of my ex’s,” Jesse said, staring at the TV. “I mean, in the face! That chick looks like she’s on steroids.”

Shaun grunted.

“My ex was super cute, but also, a total prude. She wouldn’t let me do more than feel her up and we dated for like three months!” Jesse said.

“Wow,” Shaun said blandly. “Sucks to be you.”

Jesse laughed and elbowed him playfully. “Shut up. She gave me the worst case of blue balls. You have no idea,” he said. He rested his arm against Shaun’s again, totally unbothered by the lack of space between them.

Shaun debated whether he should move away or not. He was still thinking about it when the show ended and Jesse started clicking through channels again. He passed a show with a hipster-type smoking a vape pen. It reminded him of the weed in his back pocket.

“Hey.”

“Hmm?” Jesse glanced up from the TV. “What’s that smile for?” He grinned automatically, responding to Shaun’s devious look.

“I bought pot. Wanna smoke?”

Jesse’s face lit up. He bounced on the couch, the TV forgotten. “Fuck yes! This is awesome!”

Shaun pulled the baggie out of his pocket. He opened it so they could smell the bud.

Jesse inhaled. “Nice,” he said.

The sound of keys in the front door ruined the moment.

“Shit.” Jesse grabbed the bag out of Shaun’s hand and stuffed it between the couch cushions. The door opened and a red-haired woman in scrubs entered the living room. She had a squirming baby in her arms.

“Hello, hello,” she called in greeting. Her face was weary. She adjusted the baby on her shoulder in a practiced maneuver. She spotted Jesse and Shaun on the couch and turned in their direction. “Jesse, come take the baby.”

Sighing, Jesse stood and took the crying infant from the woman. The lady in scrubs must have been his mother. And that must mean the baby girl, judging from the pink color of her onesie, was yet another sibling!

And then, another kid, a toddler this time, darted into the room through the woman’s legs. He ran for the TV.

The toddler was different from the other kids, so much so that Shaun wondered if he was maybe someone else’s kid. He saw Shaun on the couch and blinked shyly at him with big blue eyes.

“Hi,” the toddler said cautiously.

“This is Shaun,” Jesse said for his silent friend. “And this is my other sister, Lissa, and my other brother Brian.”

Shaun’s mouth fell agape. Five siblings.

Jesse bounced his little sister sheepishly. “I know. Right?” he muttered. “Nice to meet you Shaun,” Jesse’s mom unloaded the baby bags and breezed into the other room. Shaun heard her rummaging around in what he assumed was the kitchen.

“Jesus,” Shaun hissed when Jesse sat beside him again. “Is your mom a professional whore?”

Jesse snorted. “Don’t be mean.” He gave the baby in his lap a big, goofy smile.

“I’ll be back in a few hours, OK? They don’t need me for long.” Jesse’s mom reappeared from the kitchen. She munched on a granola bar. “I’ll be back tonight.” She waved at the kids and hurried out the front door.

“She’s got work,” Jesse explained.

“Yeah, OK.” Shaun took his weed out of the couch, confident that an infant and a toddler wouldn’t know what it was. He caught Jesse eyeing it longingly, but he put it back in his pocket. He wasn’t doing drugs in front of little kids. Jesse didn’t disagree. At least not verbally.

“I’m Brian,” the little boy said, reintroducing himself. Shaun hadn’t caught his name the first time, and he certainly didn’t get it this time either.

“Yeah.” Shaun attempted a smile but wasn’t surprised when a grimace came out instead. Luckily, the kid didn’t seem to notice.

“Today was art day in my class and we got to draw anything we wanted Wanna see what I made?”

“Ah…”

“Lemme go get it!” The toddler scampered off to get his book bag.

Jesse snorted. “Looks like you made a new friend.”

“Fuck off,” Shaun scowled.

Jesse laughed. He was clearly enjoying Shaun’s palpable discomfort. He stood up, holding the baby on his hip. “I’m going to check on the kiddos upstairs. Can you watch Brian for a minute?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, it’ll just be for a minute,” Jesse promised. “I’ll be right back.”

Well, if he was going to be right back.

“Fine,” he huffed. Jesse grinned at him then when up the stairs, the gurgling baby in tow.

“Look!” The toddler was back, holding a brightly colored picture. He heaved himself up beside Shaun then handed him the drawing.

“Uh, nice job, kid,” Shaun said diplomatically. Kids always drew the shittiest stuff, but Shaun wasn’t an artist either. He was almost at the same art level as Brian.

“This is my Mommy,” he said, pointing out the tallest circular thing with stick arms and legs. You could tell it was a girl from the squiggly lines coming out of the circle’s head region. He’d colored them a flaming red. “And these are the twins,” Brian said and he instantly gained a few points in Shaun’s book for easily making them the stupidest looking people on the page. They had matching buck teeth and swirlies for eyes instead of the black dots everyone else got. “I don’t like them very much,” Brian leaned in to whisper, his blue eyes huge.

“Me neither,” Shaun agreed.

Brian perked up. “And Sammy is here.” He poked a bloated looking circle and laughed.

“Why’d you draw him so fat?” Shaun asked, a little surprised to find he was actually curious.

“‘Cause he’s a fat butt and he ate the last of my Halloween candy this morning!”

Shaun laughed.

“Oh, and I drew Jesse too. He’s the best big brother ever. Don’t you think?”

Shaun shrugged. “Sure.” He didn’t know what kind of brother he was, though he thought Jesse must be a fucking saint to put up with these kids all the damn time. “Where’s your dad?” He asked, hoping to divert attention away from Jesse and discussing how great he was.

“I don’t have a dad,” Brian said sadly. He stroked the picture of his brother.

Shaun felt for the kid. “Sorry,” he said. “I don’t have one either.”

Brian smiled and even though Shaun didn’t like to even think about his dad, he was glad he had if only to cheer the little blond up.

“OK. Sorry.” Jesse swept down the stairs, the baby on his shoulder. “Somebody messed her diaper. Yes, she did!” Jesse baby talked to the little girl. He kissed her wetly on the forehead and the baby smiled and kicked her feet. “Hey Brian? Do you mind if we have mac and cheese for dinner? The twins are hungry.”

Brian seemed pleased with the announcement and bounced around in a very familiar fashion. “Yeah!” He said.

Jesse pulled a red and blue bouncy seat—which Shaun hadn’t noticed until just then—out of an alcove and strapped Lissa in. He flipped the TV to a brainless kids show. “Watch Lissa for me, OK Brian?”

“OK.”

“Can I get a hand?” Jesse asked, turning to Shaun. Cooking was the last thing Shaun wanted to do, but he nodded, his jaw clenched tight, and followed Jesse into the kitchen.

“I have to make three boxes.” Jesse said, grabbing a pan from one of the cabinets and filling it with water. “Everyone’s hungry,” he said.

“How can your Mom expect you to take care of five kids every day?” Shaun blurted as he watched Jesse bustle around the kitchen. He’d never so much as boiled water.

“Now that Sam’s older, he can help out a lot more.” Jesse shrugged, seemingly unbothered by his burden. “It’s not fair of her, but what are you going to do? I love my annoying family. It’s not like I want anyone else to take care of them.”

Shaun sneered. “If my Grandparents made me look after kids, I’d end up murdering them or some shit.”

“You did OK with Brian,” Jesse pointed out.

“I was sitting with him for like five minutes tops.”

“Brian’s sweet. He’s special,” Jesse said with a smile. He took a pack of hotdogs out of the fridge.

“Like retarded special?” Shaun joked.

“No, you asshole. Not retarded.” Jesse playfully punched Shaun as he passed. He got out another pan and filled it with water. “He’s just my favorite little brother, I guess. Even though he’s always annoying me. I love him the most.”

Shaun wasn’t comfortable talking about love and was glad when he spotted Jesse adding the hotdogs to the water.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Hotdogs and mac and cheese,” Jesse said as if Shaun were the stupid one. “Haven’t you ever had it?”

Shaun wrinkled his nose dramatically. “No,” he said. “Sounds disgusting.” And this was from the boy who ate squirrel.

“It’s not bad. You’ll like it.” Jesse laughed. “Now, do you still want to get high?”

“Seriously?” Shaun perked up.

“Sure. I mean, I can’t get completely messed up, but I can get a buzz going, ya know. Mom’ll be home eventually and we can hang out on our own. Go to your house or something.”

“No.” Shaun snapped. “We’ll stay here.”

Jesse shrugged. He poked the waterlogged hotdogs with a fork. “Whatever. But hurry up. I don’t want to do it in front of the kids.”

“Yeah, all right.” Shaun pulled out the weed and broke up one of the buds. He picked out the seeds and sprinkled the green on his rolling paper. Quickly, though very deliberately, he rolled the joint on the kitchen counter.

Jesse looked over his shoulder as he finished. “You got that from Kyle?”

“Yeah. His brother gets the stuff, Kyle just sells it.” Shaun licked the edge and sealed the joint. “He’s a freak.”

Jesse’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “Why do you say that?”

“Because…” Shaun glanced at Jesse, wondering again if he was a fag like Kyle had suggested. He wanted to rant about Kyle, the dirty nasty whore, but now he was thinking it’d be in bad taste.

It wasn’t that he had anything against fags. Not really . It just wasn’t OK for people to think he was gay. They already hated him!

“Yeah? Because why?” Jesse prompted.

Shaun shook his head. “Never mind. Let’s smoke.” He took out his lighter and started to toke up.

“Woah.” Jesse snatched the lighter from his fingers. “Outside,” he said.

They slipped out the sliding glass doors and stood next to the house. Since Jesse still had the flame, Shaun handed him the joint.

Jesse blazed up. He inhaled deeply.

Shaun waited impatiently. He shifted from foot to foot as he watched Jesse enjoy his bud.

“Nice,” Jesse sighed as he released a billow of smoke. He didn’t cough. He seemed to know what he was doing.

“Give me some,” Shaun said. He reached for it.

Jesse ignored his hand. He leaned in close, flipped the joint and carefully pressed it to Shaun’s lips.

Shaun cheeks heated up as Jesse’s fingers brushed his chin. He held the joint between his lips and took a hit.

Jesse took it back when Shaun had a nice lungful. He blazed a second time.

“I thought you weren’t getting wasted,” Shaun said.

“Can’t help it,” Jesse coughed this time. He pounded his chest for good measure. “Fuck, I’d better get back to cooking.”

Shaun snorted. He took the weed from Jesse and let him go back inside. He took a couple puffs on his own, preparing to go back to the chaos with Jesse and the children.

He could feel the weed taking over his mind; it had a calming effect, like water pouring over a raging fire. He snuffed the burning roach with a wet finger and put it carefully in his Ziploc. He hoped it wouldn’t stink too bad.

Back in the kitchen, Jesse added the boxes of macaroni to the boiling water.

“I feel soooo much better,” Jesse said. He giggled as he stirred the pasta.

“You’re high,” Shaun said. “Try to be responsible.” He was joking, but Jesse snapped to attention and gave him a salute.

“Yes, sir!” he cried. “I am 100% capable, sir!”

Shaun snorted. He came a bit closer and peered into the saucepan. The noodles were boiling merrily.

Jesse sighed contentedly. “I’m glad you came over.”

“You’re glad I brought weed.”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t have been as much fun without you,” Jesse said. He smiled and leaned his head back against Shaun’s shoulder.

Shaun hadn’t realized he was standing so close. He tensed up and held perfectly still. He didn’t know what to do. But for once, he felt very relaxed. Jesse had a shock of red hair over his eyes and Shaun wanted to brush it away. His eyes were so pretty.

Jesse straightened up and went back to cooking. He didn’t mention the intimate moment they’d just shared. He swept it under the rug like it was nothing.

Shaun kept an eye on Jesse as he finished preparing dinner. They were lucky; Jesse’s siblings didn’t notice anything was different. He laughed at everything though and he kept touching Shaun a whole lot.

Shaun was concerned about the “gay” touching, but he was in a good mood. He didn’t let it bother him.

After the kids ate and Jesse fed the baby, they moved into the living room to watch some TV. The twins played with their Nintendo’s on the floor while Brian watched over their shoulders. The baby was on a blanket doing something Jesse called “tummy-time”. Jesse, Shaun and Sam watched another stupid competition show, America’s Got Talent.

Shaun was uncomfortable in the small enclosed space, but he’d calmed down considerably since the joint. He watched the idiotic talent show with a calm sense of resignation. Jesse was beside him; their thighs pressed warmly together.

It was 8:00 when Jesse’s mom came home.

Jesse jumped up eagerly as the younger kids swarmed to greet her. He grabbed Shaun’s hand and urged him to his feet. “Mom, we’re going to my room,” he called over his shoulder and then tugged Shaun towards the stairs.

Shaun’s hand was clammy in Jesse’s. Red flags went up in his mind as Jesse led him to his room. What were they going to do in there? Alone. He let Jesse take the lead anyway. He was glad to be away from the teeming household. If Jesse tried anything, he’d kick him in the balls, he decided.

“I’ve got top.” Jesse said when they entered his room, gesturing to the bunk beds. “Come on up.” He hauled himself up the ladder and got situated in the nest like bed.

“Uh…” It was weird being invited into another guy’s bed, but it wasn’t like there was anywhere else to sit. Shaun assumed the lower bunk belonged to one of the kids downstairs. So reluctantly, he climbed to the top bunk and sat cross legged next to Jesse.

Jesse smiled at him.

“Sorry this is so weird.”

“I figured it would be,” Shaun said.

Jesse laid back on his pillow. “I have a pretty crazy family, don’t I?”

“I guess.”

“What’s yours like? I know I can’t ask about your parents, but…” Jesse trailed off, staring at the ceiling.

“Why do you even care?” Shaun asked cynically.

“I told you, didn’t I? I think you’re interesting.” Jesse looked down the line of his body and straight into Shaun’s dark eyes. “I think it’s because you’re so mysterious all the time.”

“I’m mysterious?” Shaun choked. That was fucking hilarious.

“Yeah. I mean, everyone hates you, but nobody will say why. Kenny and Emily were laying into me at lunch today I keep talking to you.”

“Fuck them,” Shaun said through his teeth. Those fucking little bastards.

“I don’t give a shit what they say. I mean, for the most part, they’re nice and I want to screw Emily at some point, but you’re my best friend.”

Shaun scowled. “I’m not your best friend. You don’t know anything about me.” Shaun didn’t like the way his stomach flipped at Jesse’s admission. He’d never been someone’s best friend before. But more than that, he was surprised Jesse didn’t know his secrets yet. He didn’t understand why the others were being so hush-hush about everything. Ratting Shaun out was something petty Kenny would have enjoyed doing, but then again, maybe he was too afraid to even mention it. Maybe Shaun’s fists held more sway than he’d ever imagined.

“Well…tell me then!” Jesse cried in frustration. “How else am I supposed to know you if you never talk?!”

“I talk,” Shaun grumbled.

Jesse laughed. “Tell me about your grandparents, then. Or your band. You pick.”

Fuck this. Shaun sneered. This was fucking stupid. It wasn’t like Jesse sat around explaining every part of his life. He hadn’t even bothered to mention his five younger siblings when he’d invited Shaun over. But if Jesse were going to complain about it, then he might as well get it over with.

“Fine. I live with my grandparents. It sucks because my grandma is a complete bitch,” Shaun said.

“Why?”

Shaun huffed. He forced himself to elaborate. “She doesn’t like the way I am. She thinks I should be normal. You know, someone who goes to church and doesn’t drink or smoke dope.”

Jesse snorted. “Normal?”

“Yeah, well…” Shaun trailed off. “She didn’t want me coming over tonight; she tried to ground me. Grandma knows what I get up to with the band. She thinks I’m with them now. She’ll be pissed when I get home.”

“Why? What do you do with your band? Fuck groupies and get high?” Jesse smiled dreamily.

Shaun snorted. “We don’t have groupies.”

“What about you’re Grandpa?” Jesse continued, still looking curious despite Shaun’s generic answers. Shaun imagined disapproving parent figures wasn’t all that rare.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s OK.”

“Oh fuck.” Jesse whispered. His eyes widened comically.

“What?” Shaun said uneasily.

“Did you just say someone was ‘OK’?”

Shaun punched Jesse in the arm. He didn’t hold back, but Jesse took it admirably. He rolled on his pillow and laughed heartily. His eyes were closed and there was a rosy color in his cheeks. Shaun was horrified to feel a warm rush of affection.

“Grandpa doesn’t bother me,” he explained. He felt obligated. “He lets me do whatever I want.”

“Hey, it’s OK to love your family, you know,” Jesse said with a smile.

“Whatever,” Shaun huffed. He didn’t like answering questions about his personal life. “What about you?” he snapped. “Where’s your dad?”

Jesse raised a brow at the change in topic, but answered nonetheless.

“He left after Sam was born, I guess he’d had enough of us,” he said lightly. “Mom told us he was cheating on her with a girl in her twenties for like…years and she didn’t find out until he decided to divorce her.”

“That’s shit.” Shaun scowled, a little upset that Jesse’s dad would abandon him for some bitch. “So, what about the twins, and the other two? Who’s are they?”

“You mean Allison and Tyler and Lissa and Brian?” Jesse laughed.

“Yeah, whatever.” Shaun folded his arms. He couldn’t be expected to know all their names!

“They’re from different guys. Mom’s been going through shitty boyfriends ever since dad left. I think the only reason we moved out here was because she had a bad breakup with the last one, Joey. He’d proposed to her, and I was starting to think they might actually get married and that we’d be stuck in Detroit forever. Then Mom found out he was engaged to two other girls at the same time and that he was playing them all. Just because he fucking could.” Jesse furrowed his brow. It was the first time Shaun had seen him upset. “He’s an asshole. We’re better off without him.”

Shaun chewed his lip. He was embarrassed he’d asked such a sensitive question. There were a lot of things he’d rather not talk about.

“Sorry I asked,” Shaun said awkwardly.

Jesse shook his head. “It’s not a big deal. We’re friends. We should tell each other shit.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Shaun said slowly, though he wasn’t convinced. He still wasn’t sure this was a good idea. Getting close to people never worked out in Shaun’s book. But maybe Jesse could be different.

They talked for a while longer, about school, about girls, about different places they wanted to go. Jesse did most of the talking, but Shaun didn’t mind. It was actually a relief.

It was after 10:00 when they heard the kids getting ready for bed. It involved a lot of whining and complaining. The sound of it was like nails on a chalkboard.

“I’d better go,” Shaun said.

“Aww, do you have to?” Jesse pulled a face. He looked a sad puppy.

“I can’t stay forever,” Shaun said. He was already climbing down from the bunk.

“You could stay the night if you wanted to avoid your grandma.”

Shaun was surprisingly tempted but when he imagined himself and Jesse sleeping side by side, he shivered.

“No. I’ll see you later.” Shaun made sure he had his stuff. He opened the door a crack. The coast was clear.

“I’ll walk you out,” Jesse said. He jumped down and followed Shaun into the hall.

Things had calmed down a bit downstairs. The younger kids were gone, only Sam was left in the living room playing some shooting game.

“You guys are dicks,” Sam said, his eyes never leaving the TV screen “Mom said she smelled pot. You should have let me have some.”

“It’s been in Shaun’s back pocket the whole time, doofus,” Jesse taunted. “If you don’t know what it smells like, then you don’t need to smoke it.”

“Fuck you,” Sam growled, a tower of pre-teen rage.

“I’m not your supplier.” Jesse said. “You don’t know anything about it anyway. I know you’ve never even tried it.”

Sam threw his controller down and stomped up the stairs. He hadn’t even bothered to pause his game.

Shaun watched him go with amusement.

“He’s not normally like that,” Jesse said in apology. “He likes to show off in front of my friends.”

Shaun grunted. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t have shared his stuff with that kid even if Jesse had begged him to.

Shaun headed to the front door.

“See you tomorrow?” Jesse asked.

“I guess,” Shaun said awkwardly. He wished Jesse wouldn’t have walked him out.

“Do you want a ride? I can borrow my Mom’s van.”

“No. I’m good.”

Jesse smiled wistfully. “Sit by me on the bus in the morning, OK?”

Shaun shrugged. “Sure. Whatever.”

Jesse’s light-hearted laughter followed Shaun all the way back home.

When he snuck back into the house, it was10:30. Ruth was fast asleep in her chair in front of the TV. She must have been waiting up, but luckily, she hadn’t made it.

Shaun drifted by her and down the hall. He felt like he was floating on air. He hadn’t even had that great of a time, but he felt so cheerful .

He had a strange urge to wash himself, and for once, he didn’t avoid it. He floated into the bathroom and got the water running.

While he was cleaning up, he checked his cuts.

The ones on his arm looked OK. They were covered in scabs at any rate. It was the body’s natural defense against germs and bacteria.

The one on his thigh was a different story, however. It was painful to the touch, and it was puffy and red. Infected.

Wincing in pain, Shaun scrubbed the cut with soap and water. He made a mental note to keep his knife a little cleaner.