Permanently Black and Blue - 16. Chapter 16

Shaun pulled out of Jesse’s drive and crept down the road. As he approached, he coolly surveyed his grandparent’s house. They’d returned from church and both their cars were in the driveway. By now, Ruth was probably in the kitchen preparing dinner.

He didn’t know what to say to his grandma, but he knew he’d have to face her soon enough. Shaun delayed for as long as he could. He let the Mustang coast the last few meters, but nothing clever came to mind.

He turned in the driveway and parked behind Eli’s old car. He got out and gazed solemnly at the house. He took a deep breath and walked around the car. As he took the first step on the porch, he noticed one of Ruth’s garden gnomes face-down in the flower bed. Grumbling under his breath, he hopped back down and righted the fat, smiling creature.

When Shaun opened the front door, his grandmother was in the kitchen washing vegetables, just as he’d predicted. Water ran over a pasta strainer with fresh green beans. Ruth shook her wet hands over the sink and turned to meet Shaun’s eyes with a heated glare.

Shaun curled his lip at the woman. He shouldered through the door and into the room. The screen door banged shut behind him.

Ruth turned back to the sink and shut off the faucet. “You should have called. I didn’t think you’d be home for dinner.” She strode across the room and opened the refrigerator. “I have to take out another chop.” She pulled a wrapped piece of meat from the keeper and walked back to the counter. There was a cutting board with two pork chops already resting. She slapped the third piece down in the center.

“Sorry.” Shaun crossed his arms. “You don’t have to make anything if it’s that much of a bother.”

“It’s not a bother if you’re here to eat it,” Ruth grumbled. She tore into the plastic wrap with a nail. “But you’ve been so busy lately, out with your band…” She shook her head disapprovingly.

Shaun huffed. “I’m sorry about the birthday dinner, grandma. I was excited about the Mustang. I wanted to show my friends.”

Ruth looked at him sharply. “Your grandfather and I spent a lot of time and effort deciding what to do for your birthday.” She aggressively ripped the wrap off the pork chop. “I’m glad you had fun with your friends, but what you did last Friday was very disrespectful.”

Shaun bristled. He balled his hands into fists. “I know. I’m trying to apologize.”

“With the way you’ve been acting, I’m not sure I’m willing to accept.”

Shaun grit his teeth. He ground them together as he struggled to harness his rage. He knew Ruth would be angry with him. He’d been expecting this.

“You are so lucky your grandfather and I care about you, Shaun.”

“Jesus Christ,” Shaun groaned. “Here we go…”

Ruth glared at him. “I’ve got half a mind to kick your smart ass to the curb,” she snapped. “I’m getting old, Shaun. I don’t need this kind of stress. You disappear for days on end, you’re incredibly disrespectful and foul-mouthed. You never clean up after yourself.”

Shaun grumbled under his breath.

“If you didn’t have another year of school…”

Shaun narrowed his eyes. “You’d do what?”

Ruth shook her head. “Just go to your room, Shaun. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

Shaun growled. “Fine. Great.” He stalked across the room.

“And about that car. We’re not replacing that thing if you get it impounded or if you total it on one of your crazy road trips,” she grumbled. “We’re only paying liability so any dings or scratches you pick up are on you.”

“Fuck you, bitch,” Shaun snarled. “I’m trying to be nice.”

Ruth smiled thinly. “I didn’t notice.”

Shaun clenched his jaw. He shouldn’t have said anything. He was close to strangling her. One day, Ruth would open her mouth with some snarky remark and Shaun would snap and whip her hard across the face. He’d beat her to death with his bare hands.

He stood there for a moment, trembling with rage while Ruth ignored him. She grabbed a fork out of the drawer and began to tenderize the chop. She plunged the prongs into the meat with undue force.

Before he did something he’d regret, Shaun whirled around and stormed out of the kitchen. When he reached his bedroom, he slammed the door behind him and threw himself angrily on the bed. He rolled over and mashed his face into the thick duvet and screamed as loud as he could.

He laid there for some time, breathing heavily into the blanket. It got wet and hot beneath his mouth and after a while, he couldn’t breathe. He flopped miserably onto his back and stared bitterly at the ceiling.

He dug his fingers into the blanket as the urge to cut welled inside him. It tore at his belly and sank its claws deep into his mind.

But he couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed. If Jesse found another self-inflicted wound on his body, he’d lose his mind.

Shaun clenched his teeth together as he struggled wildly with his impulses. It took everything he had to lay there, still, and quiet, while his argument with Jesse in the car and the unpleasant conversation he’d just had with his grandmother ran through his mind.

He sat up and took a deep stabilizing breath of air. He pushed the negative thoughts aside until the only thing left was his guitar. He needed to practice.

He kicked his boots off in the general direction of the closet. Ruth had cleaned while he’d been away. The bed was made, the clothes were picked up, and the room smelled like a sea of lavender air freshener. He hated when Ruth cleaned his room. He was so fucking tired of her invading his space. He got up and ripped off Jesse’s Rob Zombie tee.

Shirtless, he stalked back down the hall and stopped at the entrance to the kitchen.

Ruth was peeling potatoes over the trashcan. She looked up when Shaun entered the room, her lips pursed.

“I know how much you love to clean shit,” Shaun growled as he flung the shirt on the floor. “It’s Jesse’s. I need it back tomorrow.”

Ruth’s brow furrowed. She opened her mouth to retort, but Shaun swept out of the room before she could speak. He was going to take a shower, grab something clean to put on, then he was going out to the garage to practice. Everyone else could go to hell.

***

In the morning, Jesse’s t-shirt was neatly folded on the kitchen table. Neither of his grandparents were around, so Shaun poured a bowl of cereal, ate over the sink, then tossed Jesse’s t-shirt over his shoulder.

Shaun headed to Jesse’s out of obligation. As he left the house, his hands itched with idleness. He was in a strange mood. After he’d come home yesterday, he’d practiced late into the night. He hadn’t seen either of his grandparent’s since Eli had attempted to bring him in for dinner.

He didn’t like how he felt. He was tense and on edge. He wanted to practice again. He also wanted to cut himself. He’d thought about it last night in bed. The hunting knife in his bedside drawer called to him with a dark, alluring voice.

Shaun felt a bit of relief as he strode across the lawn. Eli was maintaining it regularly now, so it was a bug-free experience. He shook his hands out as he walked. It was overcast and the sky was gray with clouds. A breeze whipped through the trees. He enjoyed the gloom.

Jesse’s mom and her boyfriend had planted flowers along the front walk. They were a beautiful red color. Shaun stepped over them and approached the door.

He knocked firmly and waited. And then waited some more. He sighed with impatience and was thinking about knocking a second time when Jesse finally came to the door.

Shaun did a doubletake. “What did you do to your hair?”

Jesse reached up sheepishly and ran a hand across his closely cropped head. “I thought it was time for a change.”

“A change?”

Jesse opened his mouth when Brian’s miserable voice floated from upstairs.

“Jesseeeee!”

Jesse spun around. “Coming!” He started across the room.

Shaun stepped in the door behind him. He took in the scene with a cursory glance. The twins were on the couch. Allison had giant crocodile tears streaming down her face while beside her Tyler sat stiffly with his arms crossed. The baby was on her blanket in front of the TV. She had her hand crammed in her mouth and a look of deep contemplation on her little face.

Jesse was already halfway up the stairs.

“What’s going on?” Shaun snapped.

Jesse paused with his hand on the railing. He looked over his shoulder. “Brian’s bleeding. Watch the kids for me?” He jogged up the last few stairs and disappeared down the hall.

Shaun strode around the coffee table. He turned to the two brats on the couch and narrowed his eyes dangerously. Allison sniffled. Tyler met Shaun’s gaze with a petulant look.

“What did you do?” Shaun barked.

Allison winced. She spoke up nervously. “We were playing hide-and-seek tag—”

“In the house?”

Allison hesitated. “Brian fell off the bunk bed.”

Shaun’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Why?!”

Allison ducked her head. She didn’t say anymore. Tyler continued to glare.

Shaun looked down at the baby. Her face was scrunched up now. The hand in her mouth worked her slobbery gums.

“Shaun!” Jesse’s voice sounded frantic.

Shaun ground his teeth with frustration. He turned back to the twins. “You two.” He poked a finger at the brats. “Don’t fucking move.”

He took the stairs two at a time and followed the bathroom light down the hall. Jesse and Brian were inside. Jesse knelt in front of Brian with a washcloth pressed to the toddler’s bleeding mouth. Brian looked tiny and helpless on the edge of the toilet seat. He looked up as Shaun stopped in the doorway, his eyes rimmed with tears.

“Can you get me some more washcloths?” Jesse asked. He didn’t look away from the toddler. “They’re in the closet at the end of the hall.”

Shaun started for the closet. The shelves inside were jammed with towels and bedding. He tracked down a stack of white cloths on the top shelf and grabbed a handful.

When he returned to the bathroom, he handed them to Jesse.

“Thanks,” Jesse muttered. He carefully removed the bloody cloth and tossed it aside. Blood leaked from Brian’s nose. His mouth was crusted with red.

“What happened,” Shaun asked casually. He leaned against the door as he watched Jesse play nursemaid.

Jesse pursed his lips and gently pressed a clean cloth to Brian’s face. Blood blossomed across the white. “I was downstairs with the baby,” he said. “I was playing with my phone. I wasn’t paying attention. I heard this huge crash upstairs and Brian started to scream.” He nodded at the sink. “He lost his front teeth.”

Shaun spotted two tiny teeth on the edge of the counter, resting on a folded sheet of toilet paper.

“Tilt your head back,” Jesse murmured, encouraging the toddler with a hand on his back. Brian groaned as he followed his brother’s instructions. “Jesus, I can’t get the blood to stop.”

“It got in my mouth!” Brian whined.

Jesse sighed. He tossed one of the spare cloths into the sink. “Can you get that wet for me.”

Shaun turned on the faucet and quickly wetted the cloth. When he handed it back, Jesse gave it to Brian.

“Suck on it,” he said.

Shaun studied the miserable toddler in silence. Blood was sprayed across his shirt. Spots of it dotted his khaki shorts. His eyes welled with tears. Shaun looked up and his brow furrowed in confusion. Brian had the same haircut as Jesse. With the matching blue eyes and the buzzcuts, they looked almost identical.

He glowered at Jesse’s reddish-blond stubble. “Did the two of you join a cult last night?”

Jesse glanced up. “What?”

Shaun sneered at him. “You look like a pair of skinheads. What the fuck?”

“I shaved it off yesterday,” Jesse said bitterly. “After that comment you made.”

“When I said it was soft?” Shaun gaped at him. “I said I liked it!”

Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “You also said I’m the woman because I take it up the ass.”

“Oh c’mon!” Shaun laughed.

Jesse glared at him. “You think I’m a girl, don’t you?”

“I—it doesn’t—I don’t think you’re a girl!” Shaun shouted. “I liked your hair because it was soft! I never said you looked like a woman!”

“Hold that to your nose, okay?” Jesse murmured to the toddler and Brian reached up to replace Jesse’s hand with his own. Jesse stood up and met Shaun’s gaze heatedly. “I just wanted to make sure we’re both absolutely clear. I’m a man.”

“Jesus Christ! I wasn’t being literal!” Shaun threw his hands up.

“I don’t care if you were being literal or not,” Jesse snapped. “I’m not the woman here.”

“Well, congratulations,” Shaun said. “Your hair definitely isn’t soft anymore.” He narrowed his eyes into slits as he looked at Jesse’s hack job.

“Oh, it’s plenty soft.” Jesse tilted his head closer. “Feel.”

Shaun crossed his arms. “No thanks.”

Jesse glared at him.

“I only said that shit because I don’t like chores,” Shaun said tightly. “And diapers are gross!”

“Speaking of diapers,” Jesse said. “Lissa’s sitting in shit down there. I was about to change her before everything went to hell.” He brushed past Shaun and swept into the hall. Shaun started to follow him until he saw he was going into the nursery. He glared after him.

Jesse returned momentarily with a diaper and a pack of wipes in one hand. A tiny set of clothes was in the other. He thrust the diaper at Shaun.

Shaun took it by reflex.

“I need you to change the baby.”

“What?!” Shaun snarled. He tried to give the diaper back, but Jesse shoved past him with a scowl. “I don’t even know how to change a diaper!”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “And you don’t know how to cook or clean or give the kids a bath either,” he grumbled. “All you have to do is try, Shaun. Then you’ll know how. You’ll learn. Like I did. Do you know how many diapers I’ve changed in my lifetime? Thousands.”

“That’s because your mother’s a whore.”

“Yeah, well, lucky for you, your parents stopped at one.”

Shaun huffed with frustration. “I don’t do diapers! I told you that! That’s your job!”

Jesse knelt in front of his little brother and rested his hands on his knees. Brian was actively crying now. It wasn’t clear whether it was from the pain or from the argument happening in front of him, though neither were pleasant. “It isn’t my job,” Jesse said, his blue eyes hard with anger. “It’s my responsibility because I’m the only one who’s here.”

Shaun waved the diaper at him. “Same difference.”

Jesse’s lip curled with disdain. “Well, you’re here. And I need help. You’re not going to let my little sister suffer, are you?”

“Fucking girl,” Shaun accused meanly. “You’re being so fucking dramatic.”

Jesse pressed his lips into a thin line. “I’m not being dramatic. Lissa had a bad rash a couple months back and she gets antsy when she sits in a poopy diaper for more than a few minutes.” He took the cloth away from Brian’s nose a second time and sighed heavily with concern. “This is really bad. Would you rather stop the bleeding or change Lissa’s diaper?”

Shaun would rather stop the bleeding, but Brian’s teary-eyed expression made him deeply uncomfortable. He wasn’t the soothing type. This was Jesse’s place. Shaun decided shit was the better option.

He stormed out of the room and down the stairs. When he reached the living room, he cut a vicious look at the twins on the couch. Allison watched him with wide, fearful eyes, but Tyler was playing with Jesse’s phone. He boredly poked the screen.

As Shaun surveyed the twins, the baby started to make noises. He lowered his gaze.

Lissa was on her back, her face scrunched up with discomfort. Shaun stepped closer and crouched down on the carpet.

“I think she went poopy,” Allison said helpfully.

Shaun wrinkled his nose. He could smell it. “Do you know how to change a diaper?” he asked the girl.

Allison shook her head. “I’m only allowed to change the wet ones.”

“Shhh.” Shaun rubbed the baby’s belly to calm her. He glanced up at the twins. “What’s the difference? Is this one dry?”

Allison giggled. When Shaun glared at her hatefully, she covered her mouth.

Tyler looked up from Jesse’s phone. “Haven’t you ever changed a diaper before?”

“No.”

Tyler’s eyes lit up. He threw the phone aside and jumped off the couch. He crawled across the carpet and flopped down on his belly, three feet away. He kicked his legs up behind him and swung his bare feet as he watched Shaun fuss over the baby. There were three snaps on her onesie. Shaun struggled with them as Lissa kicked his arms and gurgled unhappily.

“You can’t change her on that blanket,” Tyler said casually. “It’s special. It used to be Allison’s when she was a baby.”

“What do I do then?” The changing pad upstairs never came to mind.

“Change her on the carpet.”

Shaun huffed. He rolled Lissa on her side and tugged the fuzzy blanket out from under her. When he flipped her on her back again, she began to wail. Her face reddened like a tomato.

“Shit,” Shaun cursed under his breath. He unsnapped the onesie at last and pushed it up over the diaper with a wince. He felt so goddamn uncomfortable right now.

“You should probably take that off, so it doesn’t get dirty,” Tyler pointed out as Lissa continued to scream. The sound was quickly becoming unbearable.

Just wanting to get it over with, Shaun tugged the onesie over Lissa’s angry red face. He yanked her arms out, one at a time, then pulled the onesie out from under her. “Ugh!” A squishy green line of poop stained the back of the garment. Then he looked down and his disgust magnified tenfold. “Jesus fucking Christ!” Diarrhea leaked out the back of Lissa’s diaper. Drippy poo sagged out the back and dribbled on the carpet.

Tyler started rolling with laughter. “You’re so stupid.”

Shaun growled. “Shut up! You made this happen!” He grabbed the wipes and tore them open. He had no idea what to do. “Fuck!”

Tyler continued to laugh. Allison was giggling, too, her dainty little hand covering her mouth. Shaun growled and rolled the baby onto her belly, careful to avoid the greenish-brown stains. Lissa screamed into the carpet, but Shaun didn’t know what else to do. He draped some wipes over her poo-smeared back, groaning in disgust.

“What’s going on?” Jesse appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Oh my god.”

“Shut up!” Shaun roared. “I told you I didn’t know how to do this!”

Jesse whirled on Tyler, pounding the floor with the hilarity of the situation. “G-get out of here! Go upstairs! Both of you!”

Allison got up immediately and raced to the stairs. Tyler dragged himself away. He was laughing so hard; he couldn’t even stand.

“I am so sorry,” Jesse said as he rushed forward to help. He stopped over Shaun and winced. “Everyone was having apple juice for breakfast... I didn’t even think about it,” he muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shaun sneered.

“Diarrhea,” Jesse said with a shudder. He knelt beside Shaun and used the wipes draped over the baby’s back to thoroughly clean her skin. Then he spotted the blanket Shaun had tossed aside. He spread it out and gently laid the baby in the middle.

Shaun bared his teeth. “I thought that was a sacred blanket.”

“Nothing’s sacred around here,” Jesse snorted. He opened the diaper and took both of Lissa’s ankles in one hand. He lifted her so her butt was exposed then pulled the soiled diaper out from under her. “More wipes,” he said, holding out a hand.

Shaun pulled three more from the pack then watched with morbid curiosity as Jesse quickly cleaned the baby’s mess. It was extensive. There was lots of poop. Jesse didn’t hesitate. When he swiped a clean wipe between her butt and her wee-wee Shaun had to look away, totally revolted.

“I can’t believe you have to do that,” he grumbled.

“Someone has to,” Jesse said with a shrug. “I mean, look at her. She’s completely helpless.” He gestured to the squirming baby. She was naked now and everything had been cleaned. She was settling down on her own now and she grabbed her feet and gave Jesse a toothless grin. Jesse beamed back at her. “Well, let’s hope you got all that yucky out of you.” He tickled the baby’s belly. “But just in case you didn’t, let’s get another diaper on you.”

Brian poked his head into the living room. He stood timidly on the second step with tissues stuffed in his nostrils. He saw the mess on the carpet and his blue eyes got wide.

Shaun sighed and got up. What a relief. Diaper duty was over. He stepped closer to the toddler and picked him up. “How’s your nose?”

Brian looped his arms around Shaun’s neck. “Better,” he said in a little voice. His eyes were red rimmed from the crying, but he did look better. There was a bit of blood staining the tissue, but nothing like it had been earlier. The toddler smiled impishly. “And I can do this now.” He raised his upper lip to reveal a large hole in place of his missing front teeth. He pushed his tongue through and giggled delightedly.

Shaun snorted. He carried Brian to the couch and sat with the toddler in his lap. Brian smiled and leaned closer to hug him. His little arms were stronger than they looked. Shaun patted him affectionately on the back. “Sorry about all the yelling,” he muttered.

“It’s okay,” Brian said. He cuddled closer and sighed as he settled in.

Across the room, Jesse laughed.

Shaun looked over the boy’s head. Jesse was watching him with amusement.

“I wish you hadn’t made such a huge mess, but hopefully you learned something new,” he said pleasantly. He finished with Lissa’s new diaper and pulled her into a sitting position. The baby was happy again. Everything, minus the green-browns stains on the carpet, was back to normal.

Shaun gazed at his boyfriend. “I learned never to change a diaper,” he said distantly. Everything was back to normal, but Jesse’s hair was still missing. He was strangely hurt by the sudden change.

Jesse chuckled. “Did Tyler tell you to take her onesie off, too? Or did you do that on your own.”

Shaun flushed. “I guess I learned not to trust that little fucker, Tyler, either.”

“Jeez, you haven’t figured that out yet?”

Shaun clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Let me get her something clean to put on then I guess I’d better find the spot-cleaner,” Jesse muttered, looking at the mess in disbelief. “What a disaster.”

Shaun grabbed the remote as Jesse headed up to the nursery. Because nothing had changed, really. Jesse did the cleaning while Shaun watched from the couch with the kid.

***

It was Tuesday night, just a few minutes after ten. Shaun and the band had just finished practice.

Shaun set his guitar down and went to the couch. He fell back on the chaise lounge with a sigh and stretched his legs out comfortably. They’d started practice a little after six. They’d taken a brief break for snacks and to use the restroom but spent their time wisely. They weren’t fucking around. They were hard at work on the music.

Gretchen sat primly on the middle cushion, like a little bird. “You have beer, right?” she asked Ben.

“Of course.” Ben walked across the room. He took a six-pack out of the mini fridge.

“Oh, fuck that! That’s not even enough for one person,” Gretchen complained with a sour face.

Ben waggled a finger. “We can’t get blitzed tonight. I have work in the morning.”

“You have work,” Gretchen said. “But I don’t. Neither does Shaun.” She jerked a thumb in his direction.

Shaun smirked. “What the wifey doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?”

“We have to follow the rules, guys,” Ben said with a sigh. “Angela’s upstairs. Remember? We can’t party tonight.”

Gretchen started to launch another complaint, but Shaun raced to cut her off.

“What’s happening with that convention on Saturday?” he asked. He watched Ben intently for a response.

Ben winced as he sat on the end of the couch, next to Gretchen. He spent a long, silent moment setting the beers on the coffee table. Shaun knew the answer before he even opened his mouth. He started to growl.

“We already talked about this,” Gretchen groaned. “You’re coming to my place on Friday. Remember?”

“How does that help?” Shaun grumbled. “We still won’t get to practice.”

“So what? We can work on the social media stuff I’ve been talking about,” she said. “Harry agreed to meet us at The Raven next week, so we’ll get some images and maybe a video or two to upload. After I edit everything to perfection, of course.”

Shaun shuddered. “What do you mean by edit.”

“You’ll see,” Gretchen said with a grin.

Shaun was nervous, but he was beginning to trust the girl. She was crazy and incredibly loud-mouthed, but it hadn’t even been a week and already, Gretchen had secured them another gig. Next Saturday at The Raven. Shaun hadn’t shown it earlier when Gretchen had announced it, but he was stoked. He was seriously impressed with Gretchen’s managerial skills.

Ben passed out the beers and Shaun cracked the tab on his and took a long drink. “Where’s Jesse tonight?” Ben asked curiously.

Shaun frowned, thinking about his boyfriend stuck at the house, stuck with the brats. “Same place as always.” The beer was cold and refreshing. He burped.

“I miss that kid already,” Gretchen said. “He’s coming with you Friday, right? You guys can sleep on the couch.”

“Do you have a pullout?” Shaun asked. He was mostly being sarcastic.

“No,” Gretchen quipped. “But it’s comfy. It’s very well worn.”

“Great.”

“And bring your guitar if you want. We can shoot some ideas back and forth,” Gretchen said. “I’ve got a cool idea for a drum solo I’ve been meaning to show you.”

Shaun nodded. He sipped his beer. He hadn’t spoken to Ruth since Sunday, so he wasn’t going to ask her for money, like Jesse had suggested the other day. Eli was his best option.

The three of them finished the six pack over the next hour. Two beers a piece. Angela poked her head down the stairwell at five minutes to eleven and gave them a warning.

“I need everyone out in an hour,” she called sweetly down the stairs. “Some of us have jobs in the morning. Including Ben.”

Gretchen and Shaun shared an amused look. Ben cringed and hid his beer under the coffee table. He looked guiltily up the stairs, but the door shut firmly right after.

“You’re such a little bitch,” Gretchen laughed as Ben uncurled from his cowardly pose on the couch.

“I prefer the term pussy whipped,” Ben said in a serious voice. “I like the sound of it.”

“That would involve you actually getting some vagina, so I don’t think the term applies,” Gretchen sniffed.

Ben deflated. “Well, shit.”

Shaun snorted. “Jesse’s my cockwhore.” He smiled faintly, thinking about the raunchy sex they’d had the night before after Jesse had put the kids to bed. He’d been very apologetic after the diaper fiasco. “He’s proud of the title, too,” he said smugly.

“Good for you,” Ben pouted.

“I haven’t been laid in forever,” Gretchen said mournfully. “Unless you count my sugar daddy. And I’m not counting him.”

“Then why do you sleep with him?” Ben asked in exasperation. “If it’s so bad it doesn’t even count.”

“Money,” Gretchen said simply. “The cam business is booming, but I can’t figure out how to make it a regular income. I’ll get fifty bucks one week and then five hundred the next. It varies so drastically.”

Ben and Shaun fell silent. Neither of them had any advice on the cam girl industry.

Gretchen and Shaun cleared out not long after. Gretchen wasn’t against testing Angela’s limits, but Shaun wanted nothing to do with her sisterly revenge, or whatever it was. He said goodnight to Ben, grabbed his guitar, and stepped quietly out of the house.

Gretchen was hot on his heels. She caught him out in the driveway.

“I know you don’t have a phone, but here’s my number,” she said, thrusting a slip of paper at him. “My address is underneath. Jesse’s got my info, too, and he’s actually from this century, so he can pull it up on Google maps.”

Shaun took the slip of paper and pocketed it. “Thanks,” he said roughly.

“No problem.” Gretchen pushed her hair behind her ear. “How about we skip the practice session on Thursday and just plan on hanging out over the weekend?”

“What! No!” Shaun hissed. “I don’t want to miss two sessions in a row.”

Gretchen folded her arms. “Relax, Pretty Boy, we’re not going to forget the songs over the weekend.” She cocked her hip and glared at Shaun with her honey-brown eyes. “You’re acting like a tyrant.”

Shaun had a nasty retort on the tip of his tongue, but he restrained himself at the last minute. He took several deep breaths in a row. “I just want to be prepared,” he said tightly. “Super sorry. I didn’t mean to be a tyrant.” He didn’t actually know what that was, but he wasn’t going to admit to it. He understood the context.

“Good. Well, maybe if you stop trying to control everyone and everything,” Gretchen said sharply. “You’ll stop being such an insufferable dick all the time.”

Shaun growled. “You’re a cunt, you know that?”

“I’ve had that thrown at me a couple times,” Gretchen said coolly.

“See you Friday,” Shaun said viciously. He started for his car.

“Call me before you just show up,” Gretchen called. “I might not have clothes on. There’s a lot of activity on the cam sites Friday afternoons. You know, business guys stuck at the office with the weekend fever.”

Shaun sneered. “Whatever.” He climbed in the Mustang and started it up. She purred responsively underneath him, and he paused to lovingly stroke the wheel. He loved his new car.

Gretchen pulled out first. She usually did. Shaun waited for her to clear out of the drive.

On the ride home, he decided to ask Eli about the ten dollars in the morning. He groaned in anticipation. Eli loved busywork.

***

It was Friday, after noon, and Shaun was still in bed. He stared listlessly at the stark patterns the sunlight cast on his bedroom ceiling.

It had been a stressful two days. He’d reluctantly spent his free time at Jesse’s house, helping him with the kids. He and Jesse had butted heads more than once over their roles in the relationship. Jesse was obsessed with making Shaun into some kind of nanny. He’d asked Shaun to change another diaper. A wet one this time. It went much smoother than the last time, though Shaun had hated the task no less than before. After that, he’d somehow tricked Shaun into washing the dishes after lunch. Then he’d pleaded with him to sit with the twins in the bath while he got Brian and Lissa ready for bed in the nursery. The twins were hellions as usual. They fought aggressively over a bath toy and when Shaun tried to snatch it from them, they sloshed water all over the floor in the ensuing struggle. Shaun cursed up a storm and, in the aftermath, both he and the bathroom looked like they’d been through a monsoon.

Things at home were awkward, as well. Ruth was being a total bitch. She’d stopped leaving Shaun a plate at dinner. She wasn’t even making leftovers, so he’d resorted to cereal and lunchmeat sandwiches all week long. Ruth hadn’t touched his clothes since Sunday so there was a pile of dirty clothes in front of the closet. Whenever Shaun happened to be in the same room as the old woman, there was an icy silence.

But everything was set up. When Shaun had approached Eli for the money Wednesday morning, the old man had simply handed it to him with a wink. Jesse had talked to his brother and Sam had agreed to stay home Friday and watch the kids.

Shaun was looking forward to tonight. Gretchen didn’t have an ideal setup for guests, but he didn’t care. A chance to get away from his grandparents and to spend the night alone with Jesse was simply too good to pass up. They hadn’t had sex since Monday, and he was looking forward to emptying his balls.

He got up for the day and shuffled to the bathroom. He caught his reflection in the mirror and paused briefly to make scary faces at himself. His beard had grown in. It was dark brown with a few random strands of blond. It covered his chin and cheeks completely now. It was growing thick over his lip, too, and Jesse had complained the other day when he’d gotten hair in his mouth.

After pissing, Shaun stripped and stood naked in front of the mirror. With a pair of tiny scissors, he neatly trimmed his new beard over the sink. He loved it. He was willing to do whatever it took to keep it.

He showered and quickly brushed his teeth. He dressed in the bedroom, glaring at the pile of clothes. He shoveled down a bowl of cereal then headed out.

As he left the house, Shaun glanced at the blue and yellow flowers Ruth had planted below the porch. They’d appeared days after Monica’s and the blossoms added a pop of color to his grandparent’s plain white house. Shaun thought of the word Jesse had used the other day. Curb appeal.

He stepped quickly across the lawn. He was anxious to get the day started. If everything went to plan, soon, he and Jesse would be enjoying some quality adult time.

He hopped over Monica’s flowers and approached the house. He rapped shortly on the door and stepped back to wait.

It opened immediately. Jesse stood on the threshold with Lissa on his hip. Neither of them looked happy. Jesse turned and disappeared into the room and Shaun blinked. Something was wrong. He stepped through the door.

Jesse walked around the couch and sat Lissa on the blanket next to the coffee table. Her balance was wonky, but she sat on her own. Her brow was furrowed, and her gummy mouth was turned down in a little pout. She grabbed the rattle beside her and crammed the end of it furiously into her mouth.

Jesse moved to the couch and slumped down beside his little brother, Brian. Jesse’s face was streaked with tears. His eyes were puffy and red. Brian, on the far end of the couch, peered at Shaun over the back of the seat. His blue eyes were huge.

The twins were nowhere in sight. And neither was Sam…

“Does Sam have the twins?” Shaun asked. Something was definitely off. It wasn’t just the tears in Jesse’s eyes; the room was filled with an ominous sense of impending doom.

“They’re upstairs,” Jesse muttered. He sank heavily into the couch. “They were throwing toys at each other.” He pointed sharply at the TV. The screen was cracked in the corner.

“Fucking little shits,” Shaun said under his breath.

“They tossed a jumbo-jet at the TV. They fucking broke it!” Jesse dropped his face into his hands and started to sob. “And Sam didn’t come home last night…”

“What?”

“I can’t get him to answer his phone...”

Shaun rounded the couch and looked hard at his boyfriend. His shorn head was golden in the sunlight streaming through the window. It was a beautiful day outside… Shaun moved to the window and looked out at the road. “Has he ever come home this late?”

“No,” Jesse said. He sat up and looked miserably at Shaun. His nose was leaking, and tears were dripping from his sad, blue eyes. “I didn’t want to get him in trouble, so I was vague, but I asked mom if he’d mentioned staying at friend’s house last night.” His bottom lip trembled. “She said she saw him briefly Saturday morning and that was the last time she’d talked to him.” He started to bawl like a baby. “That was six days ago!”

Shaun strode back to the couch and awkwardly patted Jesse’s shoulder. “Doesn’t he stay at Kyle’s sometimes?”

“Yes, but…” Jesse pressed his lips together. “He would have told me,” he said adamantly. “We talked yesterday, before he left for Kyle’s… I gave him the money early and made him promise—”

“You already gave him the money?” Shaun hissed. “Big fucking mistake.”

Tears streaming down his face, Jesse looked at Shaun with his wide clueless eyes. “Why?

“I don’t know what your brother’s doing with the extra money, but he was awfully eager to get his hands on it,” he sneered. “He’s up to no good, Jess.”

Jesse’s eyes got wider if that was possible. He’d been so confident Sam would come through because he’d oh so eagerly accepted the job. No questions asked. Shaun had been a bit more suspicious, but he he’d left the money with Jesse last night. He hadn’t witnessed the exchange of money, so he was mostly going with his gut.

Lissa started to fuss on the blanket. She threw her rattle across the carpet.

Brian slid off the couch and crawled to his sister. “Bad Lissa,” he scolded in a stern, little voice. “We’re not supposed to throw things in the house.”

Jesse laughed through his tears. “It’s okay, Brian. She’s not going to hurt anything.”

Brian patted Lissa’s head a lot like Shaun had patted Jesse.

Jesse and his youngest brother looked so eerily similar. With the matching buzzcuts, it was easier than ever to compare their features. Their ears were the same. The round, boyish cut of their cheeks and jaws were the same. Even their eyebrows looked alike. Jesse’s were a shade darker than Brian’s, but the position and shape were identical.

Jesse’s siblings were different in different ways. Sam had big ears and hands. The twins had annoying, beady little eyes and pug noses. Lissa...well, Lissa looked like a normal baby. Pudgy and toothless. Jesse and Brian were the cute ones. So similar it was like they were biological clones.

Shaun folded his arms and looked decisively at the boy on the couch. “What do you want to do?”

“What can we do?” Jesse sniffled.

“We could call the police,” Shaun said with a shrug. “I’m sure they’d love to know Kyle has a thirteen-year-old holed up in his house, smoking dope and tossing back shots.”

Jesse pressed his hands together. “No. Please. If the police get involved, my mom will get involved.” He shook his head as a stray tear tracked down his cheek. “If she’s involved, nothing will be accomplished. She’ll yell and scream and—”

“Make you responsible,” Shaun huffed. “Yeah. Alright.”

“Right.” Jesse wiped his eyes.

“We’ve gotta take care of this on our own, don’t we?”

Jesse nervously licked his lips. “Shaun…”

Shaun tensed. He was worried by the look in Jesse’s fervent eyes.

“I’ve got my hands full,” Jesse said, gesturing to the kids on the floor. “But someone needs to get my brother.”

Shaun narrowed his eyes. “Get?”

“Can you go to Kyle’s house and see if he’s there?” Jesse asked in a rush. He looked desperate. “I’m begging you, Shaun. Please, please, I’m worried about him. I need to know if he’s alright.”

Shaun scratched his beard pensively. He sighed.

“Shaun?”

Shaun looked up.

Jesse watched him with hopeful, glimmering eyes.

“I’ll do it,” Shaun said staunchly, and Jesse let out a breath of relief. “But I think we should wait—”

“No!” Jesse cried. He flew at Shaun. He grabbed him by the front of his shirt and clung for all he was worth. “Go now. What if something’s wrong? What if he’s hurt—?”

“Christ.” Shaun rolled his eyes. “Alright. Fine.” He gently extracted himself from Jesse’s grasping hands. “But I think you’re being dramatic again.”

“Like a girl?” Jesse asked. He stubbornly stuck out his bottom lip.

Shaun didn’t say anything. Yes. Like a fucking girl, he thought nastily. But he kept it to himself.

“I wish you had a phone,” Jesse said sadly. He backed up and let Shaun shake himself off.

Shaun’s shirt was wadded where Jesse had grabbed him. He smoothed it out with a hand. “You’ll know what’s happening soon enough,” he said. “Be patient. I’ll find out what’s going on. I’ll leave no stoner unturned,” he smiled at his witty joke.

Jesse stared at him blankly.

Shaun cleared his throat. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He glanced at the children on the floor. Brian watched him with open curiosity. Lissa had her rattle back. She chewed happily on the rubber handle.

Jesse wrapped his arms around Shaun’s waist. He hugged him tight. “Love you. Good luck.”

Shaun left the house. He drew his keys out of his pocket as he jogged across the lawn. The wind combed through his long hair and he felt weirdly excited. He wasn’t looking forward to the confrontation he’d most definitely have with Jesse’s bratty brother, but he was excited to face Kyle. Maybe he wouldn’t get to punch him in the nuts like he wanted, but then again, depending on what he found, maybe he would.

Shaun hopped in the car and revved up the engine. He stepped on the gas and the Mustang sped backwards down the drive, spitting gravel in all directions. Shaun did a wicked 180 when he hit the pavement and he shifted into drive and gunned it for Kyle’s.

Shaun was thrown back in his seat as the speedometer climbed rapidly to 90mph. He turned the stereo on and blasted his Slayer CD. He nodded his head with the beat. His heart beat quickly in his chest. Adrenaline flooded his veins.

He got to Kyle’s place in five minutes. He passed a pickup truck and a minivan on the drive, but that was it. He could go as fast as he wanted. Nobody noticed or cared.

As he neared Kyle’s house, Shaun slowed and gripped the wheel tightly. He leaned closer to the glass. Kyle’s Cadillac was parked in front of the garage, but there were no other vehicles.

He drove past and stopped a few yards away, behind a large tree with low-reaching, gnarled branches. He cut the engine and calmly surveyed the house from a distance. The long, rambler house looked incredibly shabby. The roof was missing shingles. The brown siding was faded and dirty. Tall, unruly weeds grew in the flowerbed along the front.

Shaun stepped out of the car and something crunched under his boot. He looked down. The pavement underfoot was cracked and eroding. Shaun sneered. Even Kyle’s road was falling apart.

He silently approached the front of the house. When he got to the door, he stared at the multiple locks in bemusement.

He wanted the element of surprise, so knocking on the door was out of the question. He’d thought maybe he could pick the lock, or that the door might just happen to be open, but no dice. He looked around the front of the house but didn’t see anything of interest. Nobody had yet to pass the house, but Shaun knew that wouldn’t last forever. It was bad enough his car was parked down the road…. He didn’t want a passerby to see him breaking in the front, so…he crept around to the back.

The yard was overgrown with tall, brown grasses and long, climbing weeds. The yard stretched behind the house for about an acre before it ended in a thick line of wild trees. Shaun picked his way through the brush, lifting his knees high to avoid his feet getting caught. A large, juicy mosquito landed on his neck and Shaun swatted it aggressively.

He got into a vantage point where he could see the entire back half of the house. He crouched down and surveyed the scene. There was a small, ramshackle deck on the back half of the house. Shaun knew from previous visits that the smudged sliding glass door entered the living room. There was an old, hollow tree beside the deck. Shaun imagined he could scale up the trunk and try to find a way through the attic crawl space… then he spotted an open window in the back corner of the house and he about kicked himself.

He stayed low to the ground as he rounded the edge of the deck and approached the window. When he got close, he stood up slowly and peeked over the windowsill.

The room inside was dark and unfamiliar. Shaun had never been in this room before. It looked like it was probably Kyle’s stepdad’s room. It was a grungy, dirty room with a bare mattress in the corner and a broken dresser set across from the door. A single, shaded lamp stood next to the dresser. It was slightly askew. There were a lot of beer cans on the floor and on the table next to the mattress.

Shaun slipped his fingers under the windowpane and forced it upward with a slow, steady pressure. The window creaked in its pane, but it was a low-pitched sound. Shaun continued until there was enough space for his body.

He took a deep breath and then lifted himself up and through the open window. He slid to the floor and rolled smoothly onto the balls of his feet. He stood up and eased the window back to its original place. He turned and silently took in his surroundings.

The room looked even dirtier from inside. The furniture was coated in a thin layer of dust. The blankets tossed at the foot of the bed, the mattress, and the cans closest to the bed were the only exceptions.

Shaun heard voices coming from the main part of the house. He stepped over the discarded beer cans and paused at the half-opened door. He listened.

“...head’s killing me…” It was Sam. Shaun huffed. The teen was safe and sound. Hungover from the sound of it, but what was new?

“...poor baby...make it better?” The syrupy voice was Kyle’s. Shaun clenched his hands into fists. He felt an urgent need to draw blood and he dared Kyle to give him a reason to.

“Maybe,” Sam replied. He sounded uncertain. Shaun wondered what Kyle had suggested. The voices sounded like they were coming from the living area… Shaun eased the door open. He snuck into the hall.

“...take care of you,” Kyle said sweetly. “I’m the perfect little housewife!” he giggled.

Sam laughed too. “Yeah,” he said. “Thanks. I’m close to dying, right now. I could eat a whole cow.”

Kyle tittered with laughter. “Don’t do that. You’ll ruin your boyish figure.”

Shaun got far enough down the hall that he could see into the living room. He stopped and backed up a bit, then peeked carefully from his hiding spot.

Sam was shirtless on the couch. He was stretched out with his arms folded comfortably behind his neck, his legs draped over the side of the couch, and his jeans undone at the fly. His shaggy red hair was mussed, and his neck, chest, and belly were covered in love bites.

As Shaun watched, his eyes narrowed, Kyle breezed into the room from the kitchen. He, too, was shirtless. He wore a tight pair of jean shorts and a tiny white apron that came to his mid-thigh. He had a steaming plate of cinnamon rolls in his hand.

What bothered Shaun the most was how put together Kyle appeared. Sure, he was barely dressed, but that was intentional. Nothing he did was by accident. His blond hair was neatly combed. His complexion was flawless. Kyle beamed as Sam took a roll and bit into it. His teeth were clean and white.

Shaun had seen enough. He stepped soundlessly into the room.

Sam looked up. He yelped and threw his cinnamon roll in surprise. Kyle jumped, but he righted himself quickly and saved the hot plate of pastries.

“What are you doing here?” he asked in a calm voice. “How did you get in?” His eyes roamed slowly over Shaun’s body. He stopped on his face. “My god, I don’t see you for a month and you go and turn into a completely different person…” His eyes searched Shaun’s for an unbearably long moment. Finally, Shaun became uncomfortable. He looked away.

“I’m here to pick up that one,” he said, nodding at the teen on the couch.

“I have a name you know,” Sam scoffed.

Shaun ignored him. He scanned the room with a critical eye. The littered beer cans continued into the living room. They were on tables. Under the tables. There was a mass gathering of them beside the green, faded armchair in front of the TV.

“What’d you two get up to last night?” Shaun asked loudly.

“None of your beeswax,” Sam said snottily.

“Your brother’s worried about you,” Shaun said seriously. “He sent me here because he was convinced you were dead.”

Sam snorted.

Kyle spoke up. “It wasn’t intentional. We were up late—”

“Shut. Up.”

Kyle zipped his lips. He pushed some beer cans aside and set his plate on the table with the lamp.

“I don’t really care what the fuck you idiots were doing last night,” Shaun stepped closer to the couch. Sam hurried to sit up. “But we paid you to watch the kids today. Let’s go,” he said in a deep voice. “Jesse needs you at home.”

Sam looked around for something to put over his body. He found his shirt stuffed between the couch cushions and yanked it over his head. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You’re psychotic.”

“Ooh, big word.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Kyle just made breakfast. He was going to take me home as soon as we were done. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

Shaun held out his hands. “I don’t either, to be honest, but your brother insisted.”

Sam pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He tapped the screen a couple times. “Dead,” he muttered.

“You kids today,” Shaun sniffed. “None of you know what to do without your little gadgets.”

Sam gave him a weird look.

“Jesse’s going crazy because you won’t answer his messages.”

Sam pushed his fingers through his hair. He looked at Kyle. “What time is it anyway?”

Kyle wasn’t looking at him. He was staring at Shaun. “I heard you played a show last weekend, baby. How’d it go?”

Shaun cut a vicious look at the drug dealer. “I’m not talking to you,” he growled. “Child molester.”

Kyle touched a hand to his chest. “What on earth?”

“You’re fucking him? Right?” Shaun gestured to the teen on the couch. “He’s got hickeys all over his neck and shit.”

Sam’s face got beet-red. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I got laid last night...with a girl.”

Shaun quirked an eyebrow. “Are you sure it wasn’t Kyle in a dress?”

Kyle laughed. “I was watching them go at it, sweetheart. I would have had to have been in two places at once.”

Shaun’s jaw ticked. He bolted across the room and wrapped his hands around Kyle’s throat.

“Guh!” Kyle opened his mouth, but no words came out. Only wet, gasping sounds.

Shaun lifted him off the floor. “You are a fucking pervert,” he hissed. “I should strangle the life out of your worthless body.”

Kyle’s eyes bulged out of his head. “Gughh!”

“Get off him, maniac!” Sam hopped on Shaun’s back.

Shaun grunted. He knocked Sam to the ground with an elbow and lost his grip on Kyle in the process. Kyle scrambled to his feet and scurried down the hall. Shaun heard one of the doors slam and then lock. “Fucking pussy!” Shaun roared after him.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you!” Sam yelled. He picked himself up off the floor and launched himself at Shaun with a war cry. “You’re a serial killer!” He grappled Shaun around the midsection, but Shaun shoved him to the floor with ease. He curled his lip with amusement. Sam shook his hair out of his eyes and glared at Shaun with a burning rage. He got up a second time. “You turned my brother into a fag.” He pushed Shaun hard in the chest, but Shaun absorbed it without reaction. Sam’s breath came in hard, short bursts. He looked at Shaun for a long moment, his eyes hard with anger. Then he did the oldest trick in the book. He turned away. “You aren’t worth my time,” he sneered, and then at the last minute, he whirled back around with a sweeping, right hook.

Shaun caught his hand. “Nice try,” he sneered. He dropped Sam’s powerless fist like it was a tiny, irritating gnat.

Sam let out a whine of frustration. “I hate you!”

Shaun squared his shoulders and firmed his stance. He brought his fists up. “Are you ready to fight me, shithead?”

Sam’s nostrils flared. “You’ll probably beat me to a pulp.”

“Probably,” Shaun said casually, then dropped his arms. “You should just come with me.”

Sam put his hands on his hips. “I don’t want— Yeeah! Let me down!”

Shaun grabbed the scrawny thirteen-year old around the waist and hauled him over his shoulder. “Time to go,” he said. He patted Sam condescendingly on the butt. “You’ve had enough fun for one day.”

“Put me down!” Sam hollered at the top of his lungs.

“No thanks. I’ve got better things to do than chase you around all afternoon.” Shaun turned for the front door. “Bye, Kyle!” he shouted down the hallway. “Nice catching up!”

On his way out of the room, Shaun bumped into the table with Kyle’s freshly baked pastries. The plate slid off to the floor and the rolls fell on the dirty carpet, glazed side down.

Shaun carried Sam through the kitchen. At the door, he fumbled with the locks while the teen flailed on his shoulder. At last, Shaun booted the door open and hauled Sam out of the house.

“Let me go! Let me go!” Sam kicked his feet and swung his arms, but it did him no good. It was an incredible waste of energy. He must have weighed 80 pounds. It took absolutely no effort for Shaun to carry him down the road and toss him in the passenger seat. Sam stopped screaming the second he was free. He spun around and watched Shaun round the car from behind. When he sank into his seat behind the wheel, Sam watched him silently with tears and snot smeared all over his blotchy, red face.

Shaun couldn’t help it. He started to chuckle. “You look like Lissa,” he said as he turned the keys in the ignition. “When she’s in the middle of one of those tantrums she has.”

Sam’s bottom lip started to protrude. “Are you and my brother having fun playing house?”

“We’re doing more than playing,” Shaun sneered. “We’ll be moving out soon. Once I get enough money together.”

“I heard,” Sam said. He turned and sat properly in his seat. He didn’t reach for the seatbelt, but Shaun was happy enough. He didn’t wear his seatbelt most of the time either.

They took off down the road. Shaun felt no need to speed. He’d completed everything he’d set out to accomplish. He felt calm.

“Jesse still hasn’t told you the truth, has he?”

Shaun frowned. “The truth about what?”

Sam shook his head. He smiled and looked out the window, so his face was turned away. “I heard you two arguing about it before school let out. I can’t believe he still hasn’t told you.”

Shaun pressed his lips together. “Spit it out, you little cocksucker,” he hissed dangerously. “Or I’ll pull over right now and start wailing on your ass.”

Sam snorted. He turned back and quickly wiped his leaky face with his hands. “Do you want to know why my brother insists on taking Brian with you guys?”

The hairs on the back of Shaun’s neck stood up. “What do you mean?”

Sam chuckled. “My brother’s no better than mom. He picks and chooses when to parent.”

“Parent,” Shaun sneered the word. “Nobody in your fucking family knows what that word means. Your mom’s a shitty parent. That endless parade of men she trots through the house aren’t parents either. Jesse is the only one who cares about the kids. He cares about you, even. Why else do you think I’m here?”

“So, you guys can go to your party,” Sam quipped. “You and Jesse are on this gleaming pedestal, and no one can touch you. Everything you do and say is perfect—”

“That’s a bunch of garbage,” Shaun scoffed.

“Is it?” Sam asked angrily. “I gave myself a hangover, let my phone die, and slept till noon. You guys do that all the time. Is Jesse gonna ground me?” he sneered. “Does he think he’s got that kind of power—”

“Jesse doesn’t have any power at all, you little shit! He’s losing his fucking mind taking care of you brats! And I am too! Do you understand what I’m fucking saying?!”

Sam had his hands over his ears. Slowly, he took them away. “Maybe if you said it a little louder, I would.”

Shaun nearly bit his tongue off. He stared angrily out the windshield, wanting desperately to smash the kid in the nose. But he couldn’t. Jesse would kill him. He took deep breaths until his vision began to swim. He blinked and tried again.

“When I came to your house this morning, Jesse was in tears. He begged me to come check on you. He was convinced you were hurt…”

“Like I said,” Sam said boredly. “He chooses when to turn on parent mode. He doesn’t care if I’m missing, unless it interferes with his plans—”

“That. Isn’t. True!”

“Yes, it is,” Sam snapped.

“Fuck you, Sam,” Shaun grunted. “I don’t think you have any idea how much stress he’s under. Jesse’s up every goddamn night, worrying himself sick wondering where you are. You’re own fucking mother doesn’t even know where you are half the time.”

Sam sniffed. He was totally unaffected.

“And why do you keep insulting him, calling him a parent?! Jesse’s a senior in high school for fucksake but he’ll be going gray by the time school starts again! Next month!”

“Brian’s his kid,” Sam blurted and Shaun growled, because he obviously hadn’t heard correctly.

“What?”

Sam sighed. “Jesse had a kid four years ago,” he said with a little smile. “When we were living in California—”

“Shut up,” Shaun snarled. “Stop talking.” His knuckles were white with strain on the steering wheel. His heart hammered in his chest.

“Jesse and this girl—”

Shaun jerked the car sharply to the right and Sam smacked his head into the window.

“Owww! Fuck!”

“Don’t say another word,” Shaun hissed.

Sam rubbed his head as Shaun sped up and started to drive aggressively. He didn’t say another word.

When they got to the house, Sam jumped out of the car the very instant they stopped in the drive. He slammed the door behind him and marched for the house. Shaun was right behind him. His hands curled and uncurled into fists as he walked. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been and for how long Jesse had been pulling the wool over his eyes… he felt so betrayed...

Sam threw open the door and stormed inside. Shaun caught the door behind him. He stepped over the threshold just in time to see Jesse embrace his shitty brother.

“What happened to you?” Jesse asked. He took Sam’s face between his hands and peered deeply into his brown eyes. “You were drinking again, weren’t you?”

Sam brushed him off. “We were having fun. Unlike you guys, stuck at home with the kids,” he sneered. “Sucks to be you.”

Jesse drew back. He looked deeply wounded. “Ouch.”

“Sorry, the truth hurts don’t it?” Sam said. He grinned viciously over his shoulder at Shaun.

Shaun growled under his breath. Jesse turned in surprise and looked at him. Slowly, his eyes widened.

“What happened?” he asked in a little voice.

“So, Brian’s your kid?” Shaun asked sharply. “When were you going to tell me?”

Jesse pressed his lips together until they turned white. He looked back at Sam as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. “You told him?” he whispered.

“Don’t look at him!” Shaun shouted. “Answer me!”

Brian burst into tears. He’d been peeking over the back of the sofa, but now he leapt from the cushions and flew up the stairs. Shaun watched him go with narrowed eyes.

“Sam,” Jesse said softly. “Go upstairs.”

Sam didn’t argue. He turned and swept silently from the room.

Shaun trembled with anger. He stared Jesse down until the other boy turned his face away.

“What did he tell you?” he asked in a whisper.

“Just that you’ve been keeping secrets from me,” Shaun said through his teeth. “And if what he says is true, he’s right. You’re a whore.”

Jesse flinched. “Shaun… I was going to tell you. I was waiting for the right time—”

“When the fuck is it the right time?”

Jesse gaped like a fish. “I don’t know, Shaun! I don’t have it written down on a calendar!”

“You weren’t going to tell me,” Shaun spat. “You’ve coached your whole family to play their parts. Brian’s your little brother. Monica’s his mom. He’s just a normal part of the family!”

Jesse looked up. His blue eyes glittered with some deep, complicated emotion. “Only he isn’t,” he said softly. “He’s never fit in. He’s always the odd one out.”

“Pfft.” Shaun folded his arms.

“And he doesn’t know. Okay? He’s totally innocent. He didn’t do anything wrong,” Jesse said adamantly.

“How did…” Shaun waved his hand around, “this happen?”

Jesse took a slow deep breath. He stepped back and leaned his weight against the couch. “When I was fourteen, we lived in California with a guy mom met on some website,” he began. “I met a girl in my homeroom class. Same age. Her name was Crystal.”

Shaun shivered as he imagined Crystal. A petite, little blonde thing surrounded by a halo of white. She wasn’t human. She was like the porcelain figurine of the Virgin Mary his grandmother had next to her bed.

“She had a huge crush on me,” Jesse said sheepishly. He rubbed his fingers through his super-short hair. “And I was a horny virgin. I wasn’t picky.”

“So, you fucked her.” Shaun bared his teeth.

“Obviously,” Jesse said. He looked away again as a rosy blush colored his cheeks. “It only happened a couple times. Like, maybe three times, total.”

“Wow, lucky you.”

Jesse winced. “She waited until she was in the third trimester to tell anyone. It was too late to do anything. She had to have the baby.”

“And you named the little bastard Brian. Cute story.”

Jesse’s eyes hardened. “He’s not a bastard.”

Shaun tapped his foot. “So, where’s the bitch? Where’s Crystal?”

“I don’t know, actually.” Jesse blinked. “We’re friends on Facebook, but she doesn’t update her status anymore.”

Shaun rolled his eyes. “How did he end up with you?”

“Because I wanted him,” Jesse said and his eyes shone with determination. Shaun curled his lip. “I took responsibility… Crystal on the other hand, wanted to give Brian up for adoption,” he said. “I stepped in instead. She signed her rights away and Brian moved into my room in a Pack N Play.”

Shaun sneered. He was angry he’d been lied to. He was jealous and hurt. He was embarrassed, too, for not having picked up on the clues, because in retrospect, there had been many. Jesse had been hinting at Brian’s true paternity from the very beginning.

“Are you mad at me?” Jesse asked.

“Yes.”

Jesse drew back. He clutched the couch for stability. “Okay… So, what are we doing? Are we going to Gretchen’s or…”?

“I should go by myself,” Shaun said decisively.

Jesse’s face fell. “Y-you should?”

“I need to be on my own.”

Jesse nervously licked his lips. “For tonight?”

Shaun shrugged.

Jesse drummed his fingers along the edge of the couch. “Are you breaking up with me? Because Brian’s my son?”

Shaun winced at the word. “I don’t know...”

Jesse’s face started to contort.

“I don’t want to talk anymore, Jesse,” Shaun said with a sigh. He started for the door. “I need to think.”

“You...you asshole!” Jesse shouted behind him. Shaun paused, but he didn’t turn back. “I love you! Doesn’t that mean anything?”

Shaun grabbed the doorknob. “I have to go.”

Jesse yelled wordlessly behind him, but Shaun didn’t stop a second time. He stepped out the door and walked through the gravel to his car. He got in and opened the glovebox.

The slip of paper with Gretchen’s address was inside. He hadn’t bothered to look it up on a map. He’d been waiting for Jesse to do it on his phone. Shaun huffed. He’d have to figure it out himself.

***

Two hours later, Shaun pulled up outside a cute, little house in a happy neighborhood of similar homes. Shaun did a double take, but this was the place. Gretchen’s Jeep was in the drive. The address matched. He parked in the street, under a large oak tree on the devil’s strip. When he got out, he heard birds singing overhead. He looked up and saw a little mockingbird perched on a branch.

Gretchen lived in the suburbs. People had lawns, but they were small and butted against the neighbor’s lot directly behind. It seemed like the kind of place that was hard-core for neighborhood watch and block parties and all that other community bullshit. There were sidewalks, and streetlamps, and trees, and flowers galore.

Shaun approached the house. It was a blue cape cod with a separate one car garage to the left and a white picket fence around the backyard. It wasn’t as big as Ben’s house, but Shaun thought it was just as nice. Nicer, in fact. It was small and manageable. It was the kind of place he and Jesse should be looking for.

As he stepped onto the paved front walk, the door opened.

“I’ve been waiting over an hour,” Gretchen complained in a whiny voice. She was dressed simply today. She wore a plain black dress that came to her mid-thigh and fuzzy black slippers. Her hair was up in a bun and she’d gone light on the makeup today. She gestured for Shaun to come in and he picked up the pace and hurried through the door. Gretchen closed it promptly behind him. “Did you get lost?” she laughed. “Where’s Jesse?”

“Didn’t you hear me on the phone?” Shaun grumbled. The door opened to a long hallway that seemed to travel the length of the house. To the left, an archway opened to a small kitchen. Across the hall and through another arch was the living room. There were two doors across from each other further down, one at the back, and a sliding glass door that opened to the backyard.

“Not really,” Gretchen said. “It sounded like you had a ball-gag in your mouth.” She started down the hall. “C’mon.”

Shaun started to follow the girl down the hall when a gray cat darted out of the living room and raced Gretchen to the door on the right. He pulled a face and stepped after them.

It was a bedroom converted into an office of sorts. There was a large desk against the wall at the back of the room. It had two monitors and was surrounded by multiple, powerful lights. There was an expensive looking camera resting on the corner and a tripod was propped against the wall.

A hot-pink desk chair stood alone in the middle of the room. Gretchen threw herself into it and rolled lazily across the wood floor. When she stopped at the desk, she touched a couple buttons and the monitors lit up. The cat jumped on the edge of the desk as multiple windows and a web browser with several active tabs popped up on the monitors. Shaun focused on the one on the right, on the web page with tiny moving images of naked women. There were about thirty videos and it looked like they continued below.

Shaun’s eyes flitted randomly from video to video. A girl danced in a tiny skirt while she slowly touched her breasts. In another, a black lady had her ass in the camera. She bounced and spread her cheeks while she looked coyly over her shoulder. Below that, two blondes with balloon tits licked and sucked a huge monster cock with hairy, dangling balls. His gaze shifted and suddenly, Shaun was staring directly into a gaping, wet, glistening vagina…

He covered his face. “Oh my god.”

Gretchen chuckled. “This is my cam site.”

“For Christ’s Sake, please, make it go away.”

“Afraid of a little pussy?” Gretchen teased.

“It’s like an oozing, open wound,” Shaun said with a shudder. “Or some alien’s drooling, gaping mouth. Or a diseased taco.”

“Ewww.”

“Vagina smells like dead, rotting fish,” Shaun said, wrinkling his nose at the memory.

“Stop!” Gretchen groaned. “I signed out. It’s gone. You can shut up now.”

Shaun’s hands fell away. He glanced around furtively and took in the rest of the room. He realized he was standing in Gretchen’s sex dungeon.

There was erotic artwork on the walls. Photographs of naked men and women in black and white. It was close-ups of body parts and Shaun hadn’t recognized the subject matter at a casual glance. When he realized he was staring at a close-up of dangling labia he turned away in disgust.

There was a strange lounge chair across from the desk and next to it, a gigantic purple bean bag chair, and a swing in the corner, hanging from the ceiling on ropes. The lounge chair was leather, and it had a dramatic curve to it that looked seriously uncomfortable. The swing in the corner was obviously some sort of sex device. It even looked like there were restraints on the ropes, straps, for the sitter’s hands and feet. The bean bag chair looked like a bean bag chair. Nothing special there.

The last item in the room was a low, mirror-plated dresser under the window across from the door. On top, there was a wide variety of dildos on display. They were long, thick, curvy, bumpy, pink, and realistic, black and rubbery, transparent and glossy, rainbow and glittery...

“Okay, look. This is our Facebook page,” Gretchen said and Shaun turned back to the computer. He scowled.

“When did you take my picture.” There were multiple shots of Shaun practicing in Ben’s basement. Gretchen scrolled down and there were more. Some of Ben. Some of Gretchen. “Jesse did those…”

Gretchen smiled. “I asked him to do it in secret once. He used his phone.” She clicked on one of the shots of Shaun. It enlarged twice its original size. Shaun looked away. He didn’t like looking at himself. “They came out alright, but he’s got a shitty camera. Low pixel count and stuff.”

Shaun grunted.

“So, what did you say on the phone?” Gretchen asked. The cat climbed into her lap as she scrolled through another website with multiple icons that said DEFACED in stylized letters. Gretchen scratched her cat behind the ear and glanced over her shoulder. She smirked. “And what did you call me on? A payphone?”

”I had to.” Shaun crossed his arms and glared at the cat. The little beast peered at him with narrowed yellow eyes. “I don’t have a phone.”

Gretchen snorted. “What?” She ran her hand along the cat’s sleek, gray fur and the animal closed its eyes and began to purr. “Where did you find one of those,” she chuckled.

“I stopped at two different gas stations, asking for directions,” Shaun grumbled. “The second one had the payphone. The first place was a total waste of time. The two girls at the counter were clueless bitches. They looked up your address on their phones but didn’t know how to ‘send’ it to me.”

Gretchen laughed.

“There was a man at the other place,” Shaun muttered. “He jotted some directions on a napkin.” He took the folded piece of napkin from his back pocket. “Fucking girls are useless.”

Gretchen sighed in exasperation. “Where’s Jesse? He’s obviously the brains in the relationship.”

Shaun frowned. “We broke up.”

Gretchen spun in her chair. She stared at Shaun with a searching gaze. The cat, purring loudly, peeked at him through its slitted eyes. “What the fuck happened?”

Shaun looked away. He didn’t know where to start.

“When did it happen?” Gretchen asked. “C’mon, boy, speak!” The cat leapt from her lap and slunk across the room. It jumped into the sex swing and made itself comfortable on the white, furry blanket draped across the seat.

Shaun followed the cat with his eyes. “It happened today. Just a couple hours ago.”

“But why?”

“Because I found out some new information that I’m not sure I can live with,” he muttered.

Gretchen blinked. “What in the fuck are you talking about?” She got up and seized his arm. “We need to talk about this now. While it’s fresh.” She tugged Shaun from the room.

Shaun stumbled after her. “What about the social stuff?” He gestured back at the computer.

“Forget it. We can talk about it another time.” Gretchen drew him down the hall and into the kitchen. She pushed him toward the table. “Sit. I’ll make us some drinks.”

It was a small, but sunny room. The cabinets were white, and the countertops were a creamy color. A round Formica table was in the corner with an ashtray in the center. The fridge was on the other side of the room, by the door. A sink was in the middle against the wall with a window into the backyard. There were four potted cactuses on the sill. The pots were different colors, but they all had hyper-realistic balls on the base. It looked like the cactuses were little penis heads.

Gretchen went to the cabinet over the fridge and pulled down some whisky. As she shut the door, Shaun saw it was filled with liquor.

“You’re stocked up,” he said approvingly.

“Yup,” Gretchen said. She went to the fridge and found some ginger ale, then she took two tall glasses from the cabinet next to the first and began to pour the alcohol. “It’s my own personal stash. After my last band fell apart, I had to start drinking on my own. I had no one to go out with.”

Shaun watched the girl mix their drinks. “The only time I go out is with you guys. I don’t even go out with Jesse. He’s always busy…”

Gretchen finished at the counter and brought the glasses to the table. Then she went back to the fridge and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter off the top. “Now,” she said, returning to the table and sliding one of the glasses so it rested mere inches from Shaun’s right hand. “Are you going to fill me in? I’m dying to hear the story.” She sat and put a cigarette between her lips.

Shaun sighed deeply. He picked up his glass and took a sip. It was fizzy and the alcohol burned his tongue at the same time. He swallowed it quickly. “Wow, what’s that called?”

“A strong drink,” Gretchen said pleasantly. “Just what the doctor ordered.”

Shaun took another cautious sip then set his drink down. He tipped the glass around as he thought.

“You’re really building this up,” Gretchen said snidely. She ashed her cigarette as she leaned back in her chair. “This better not be some stupid lover’s spat—”

“Jesse’s youngest brother isn’t his brother at all,” Shaun said slowly. He looked up; his dark eyes somber. “He’s Jesse’s son.”

Gretchen’s eyebrows rose into her hairline. She took a drag off her cigarette and released the smoke in a sexy billow. “Woah.”

“And he didn’t tell me,” Shaun said. “He lied to me. His brother spilled the beans today.”

“Wait, how many brothers does he have?” Gretchen asked. She set her cigarette in the ashtray and picked up her drink. She nursed it lazily.

“Two, I guess,” Shaun said with a shrug. “And two sisters. And a three-year-old son.”

Gretchen counted that up with her fingers. “So, there’s five kids in his house?”

Shaun nodded. “He babysits them all the time. He has no life. He wants to run away together and find a place of our own and I’m trying.”

“You’re not trying,” Gretchen said. She plucked her cigarette from the ashtray. She took a long drag. She was smoking and drinking now. One vice in each hand. “We’ve talked about this. The whole starving artist thing is overrated. You’re not going to be able to support yourself playing bars. At least, not in the beginning.”

Shaun glared despondently into his drink. “Yeah, well, we’ve been fighting about it since school let out.” He lifted the glass to his mouth.

Gretchen cocked her head. The cigarette between her fingers was burned down to the filter. “Why don’t you just get a part-time job?”

“Says the bitch who sells her body…” Shaun mumbled under his breath.

Gretchen narrowed her eyes. “I’ve done my time. I’ve worked all over the place. Gas stations, bars, sex shops.” She smashed out her butt and pushed back her chair. She got up to retrieve the ginger ale and the whisky from the counter. “When I didn’t work, I was homeless and broke. And hungry. I got tired of that pretty quick.” She brought everything back to the table and slid into her seat. “I figured out a better way to make money though. It’s better for me anyway, but not everyone can live the life of a cam girl,” she said arrogantly. “They don’t have the confidence. The sugar daddy thing was just a happy accident.”

Shaun made a face. He snatched Gretchen’s cigarettes from the table and pulled one out. “Wish I had an old gross man that paid me for sex.”

“He’s not gross,” Gretchen sighed and sipped her drink politely. It was nearly gone now. “He just...smells weird. And he can’t get a hard-on to save his life. Most of the time, he wants me to hold him. Either that or play with his prostate—”

“Okay! I don’t need to hear this shit,” Shaun took another large gulp of his drink. He finished it this time and he pushed his empty glass across the table. He stuck the cigarette between his lips. “Hit me,” he said as sparked up with Gretchen’s lighter.

Gretchen glared at him, but she didn’t comment. She gathered both their glasses and began to refill them. She had a heavy hand. The drinks were strong. “So, why did you guys break up?” she asked. “Because you won’t get a job?”

“No,” Shaun said, blowing smoke across the table. “We broke up because of Brian.”

“Who’s Brian?”

The cigarette wobbled between his lips. “Jesse’s son.”

“Oh. Sorry. Okay,” Gretchen said. She studied Shaun’s face for a long moment. And then, suddenly, her expression turned. “You’re a dick, you know that? You broke up with him because he has a kid?”

“Uh…yeah?”

“You piece of shit,” she spat. “I bet you broke his fragile little heart.”

Shaun ashed his cigarette. “Well, he should have been honest with me from the beginning—”

“Oh, fuck you,” Gretchen scoffed. “You deserve to be alone.”

“Fuck this,” Shaun growled. “I’m leaving.” He shoved back his chair and got up angrily.

Gretchen dropped her hands on the table. She spread her fingers. “Sit, Shaun. We’re talking.”

“No,” Shaun hissed. He took the cigarette out of his mouth. “I don’t have to listen to this.” He poked the burning cancer stick in the drummer’s face.

“Well, you should listen. Jesse’s worth it. He absolutely adores you,” Gretchen snapped. She grabbed a cigarette and lit up a second time. “He supports you. He’s a lot of fun. He’s attractive—”

“And funny and smart,” Shaun added sarcastically. “Yeah. He’s great. He also lied to me—”

Gretchen shook her head. “He kept the truth from you. That’s different from lying.”

“What’s the difference?” Shaun grumbled.

“His intentions.” Gretchen shrugged. “Lying implies malicious intent. I think Jesse was trying to avoid a childish freak out,” she nodded at Shaun. “Like the one you’re having right now.”

Shaun glared at her. He leaned across the table and flicked his butt into the ashtray. He didn’t bother to smash it out. He grabbed his drink and started to chug it.

Gretchen watched him boredly as a trail of smoke rose from her porcelain ashtray. While her own cigarette burned between her fingers, she rested her elbow on the edge of the table and dropped her chin into her hand. “Is that really all you’re mad about?”

Shaun smacked his lips as he finished his tall drink.

Gretchen sat up. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

Shaun gnashed his teeth. “I don’t like thinking about him with some stupid bitch,” he snarled.

“I wonder what she looks like,” Gretchen mused as she took a pull off her cigarette.

Shaun set his glass down with a clink. He glared at her.

Gretchen smiled meanly. “Wanna find out? Do you know her last name? We can creep on her Facebook.”

Shaun was deathly curious, but he wasn’t sure he could handle the reality. He knew Crystal wasn’t the Virgin Mary like he’d pictured. She was probably a normal eighteen-year-old girl making duck faces online and pushing her tits up to make them bigger. Shaun didn’t want to see that shit.

“No,” he spat. “I don’t know her name.”

Gretchen sighed. “I can understand that you’re upset and everything, but this seriously can’t be the reason you break up with him. Do you hate the kid? Is he a snot-nosed brat?”

“Not really,” Shaun grumbled.

“So, he didn’t lie to you,” Gretchen said slowly. She reached across the table and put out Shaun’s cigarette with her own. The smoke started to dissipate. “And the jealousy thing? You know that’s bullshit, right? So he slept with some girl a couple years ago. Didn’t you already know that? He was with girls before he met you. Get over it.”

“Yeah, but…” Shaun struggled to explain himself. “Why didn’t he wear a fucking condom? It seriously bothers me that there’s a living, breathing reminder that Jesse fucked some bimbo too stupid to get an abortion!”

Gretchen didn’t look impressed. “Do you wear condoms?”

Shaun sneered. He’d worn one. Once. When he’d lost his virginity to the drunk chick at Will’s house. It wasn’t a pleasant memory.

“I didn’t think so,” Gretchen said smugly.

“Gay people don’t have to wear condoms,” Shaun snapped.

“That is so not true.”

Shaun grit his teeth. “When you’re fucking a girl, you have to be careful. Jesse should have known that.”

Gretchen laughed as she picked up her drink. “How old was he when this happened?”

“Fourteen.”

Gretchen laughed even harder. “Teenagers and safe sex don’t exist together in the same sentence, Pretty Boy. Hate to break it to you.”

Shaun pressed his fingertips firmly against the tabletop. He loomed over it aggressively. “I. Don’t. Care!”

Gretchen drew back, her eyes hard with anger. “Well, you should,” she said. “The things you’re upset about are irrational—”

“Is that a fancy word for crazy?”

Gretchen pursed her lips. “Actually, I think it is.”

Shaun slammed his fists onto the table. Gretchen was holding her drink, so it didn’t topple, but Shaun’s wasn’t so fortunate. It tipped onto its side and splashed across the table and into the ashtray. It dripped onto the floor as the glass rolled lazily to the edge. They both watched as it fell and shattered.

Gretchen looked up from the glass. “Did that make you feel better?”

Shaun growled.

“Right.” Gretchen finished her drink. She stood up. “Did you bring your guitar?”

Shaun blinked. “It’s in my trunk.”

“Good.” Gretchen carried her glass to the sink. She returned with a wet rag and dropped it on the table in front of him. “Clean that up. Then meet me in the garage. I have a practice space out there,” she said. “That’s enough talk for tonight.”

Shaun ground his teeth together.

“And I’m always more productive when I’m angry,” Gretchen said playfully. She winked at him as she grabbed her cigarettes off the table. “So maybe we’ll get something done after all this weekend.”

Shaun watched her sweep from the room. He heard her open the sliding glass door at the end of the hall. Muttering angrily to himself, he crouched down as he started to pick up the glass. As he collected the shards in his hand, he got an excellent idea.

He looked guiltily into the hall, but the coast was clear. Gretchen was outside….

Shaun tugged his t-shirt over his head as he picked the largest piece of glass. He looked down at his scarred body. He’d been dreaming about this for days…

He traced the jagged shard along the soft skin over his left pectoral. He scratched himself experimentally, just to see how it felt, and a warm, sticky feeling welled in his belly. Arousal.

Shaun pressed the glass into his skin. He gasped as a dull tingling sensation blossomed from the point of contact. His cock started to stiffen in his jeans.

Shaun sliced himself slowly. He watched as his flesh parted and hot blood trickled from the incision. Delicious shivers went through his body. His cock twitched in his pants and Shaun pressed his palm against the hard bulge. He forced the glass deeper and gasped as a stabbing pain shot through his chest.

He dropped the shard and shoved his fingers into the bleeding cut. He grunted and rubbed his hand frantically against his hard shaft.

He bit his tongue, hard, and forced his fingers deeper into the wound. He sobbed with blissful agony and his cock twitched crazily under his hand. His eyes rolled back in his head and he sobbed as he orgasmed on the floor of Gretchen’s kitchen. In a puddle of whisky and glass.

Shaun panted for breath. He’d never done that before.

He winced as he pulled his fingers out of his body. The blood was a deep, vibrant red. Shaun licked it off. As he knelt there, tasting his own blood, the gray cat peeked its head into the room.

“What do you want?” Shaun growled.

The cat’s yellow eyes got huge.

“Go away,” Shaun hissed.

The cat scurried back down the hall.

Shaun quickly picked up the glass and mopped the alcohol from the floor. He dumped the wet cloth and the glass into the sink and turned on the water.

Shaun was bleeding heavily. He cleaned himself furiously by hand until he saw a roll of paper towels on the counter, hiding behind the microwave. He snatched up the towels and tore off a handful of sheets.

“What’s taking so long?” Gretchen’s voice came from down the hall.

“I’m just…” Shaun looked over his shoulder in a panic. “Taking a minute to cool down!”

Gretchen mumbled in reply, but luckily, her voice faded away.

Shaun turned back to the sink. He looked down at his chest. “Shit!” The blood had run down into his jeans. There was a dark, obvious stain on the hemline. Quickly, he rinsed out the washrag and used it to scrub his pants. While he was at it, he wiped the come out of his boxers. It was a gooey, unpleasant mess.

He stopped the blood with the paper towels as best he could, but he didn’t have a bandage. He turned off the water and made sure every last trace of his blood went down the drain. Maybe Gretchen had something in the bathroom…

He poked his head out into the hall. It was empty and the sliding glass door had been left ajar. Shaun stepped out of the kitchen and hurried to the door across from the sex dungeon.

His guess had been correct. He slipped into a tidy bathroom the size of a shoebox. There was a clawfoot tub with gauzy black curtains around it, a toilet, a covered litter box in the corner, and a sink with a medicine cabinet fixed on the wall above. Shaun opened the medicine cabinet and let out a sigh of relief as he discovered a box of bandages.

Shaun quickly covered his wound. He didn’t look at it as he tended to himself. He was embarrassed he’d done it. It had felt nice in the moment, but now all he felt was shame.

He flushed the toilet before he left the room just in case Gretchen was spying on him. He didn’t want to have to explain himself. He put his shirt back on and checked himself in the mirror. He shook his hair back into place and pulled his t-shirt straight. He didn’t look any different from before.

He left the room and stalked down the hall. He quietly left the house through the front.

He grabbed his guitar from the trunk. He turned back to the house as he slammed it shut. He was thinking he’d cut through the house, since the garage door was closed—

“Yargh!” Gretchen pounced from behind the tree on the devil’s strip.

Shaun didn’t think. He dropped his guitar and tackled the tiny girl.

“Fuck! Shit! Let go!” Gretchen punched him in the back.

Shaun had a flash of déjà vu. Gretchen was pinned to his shoulder with one of his big forearms holding her down.

“Jesus Christ, Shaun!” Gretchen wildly kicked her legs. “You are the craziest person I’ve ever met!”

Shaun set his little drummer gently in the grass. She was a bit heavier than Sam had been earlier that afternoon, but not by much. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. I’m not good with surprises.”

Gretchen’s cheeks were red. She pulled her dress down in the back. “...don’t know why the fuck I invited you…” she muttered under her breath.

Shaun snorted.

“I was sneaking up on you, you fucking maniac,” Gretchen grumbled. “C’mon.” She walked to the fence in the side yard and opened a gate Shaun hadn’t noticed. “You have to listen to my drum solo now. You’re obligated.”

Shaun laughed as he rescued his case off the sidewalk.

As Shaun followed Gretchen into the backyard, he decided he’d concentrate on the music and getting inebriated. It would be better if Ben were here, as well, but he wasn’t about to pass up a chance to play his beloved guitar.

He didn’t know what to do about Jesse. Gretchen insisted he ‘get over it’ and move on with their relationship like nothing had changed, but Shaun’s mind swirled with indecision.

The new cut on his chest was proof. Shaun wasn’t good with surprises. He was struggling with Jesse’s secret. He was deeply insecure with the new knowledge, so much so, he was seriously considering ending the best relationship he’d ever had because he couldn’t handle his own emotions.

He didn’t know what to do, but he wanted desperately to cling to his anger, because anger and pain were a normal part of his existence. Shaun was used to it. In a way, it was comfortable for him.

Gretchen said anger made her more productive. Maybe, the same was true for him, as well, because Shaun’s fingers were itching to play.