Jay - 1. Chapter 2

Four-year-old Jason peeked around the edge of the open door. His parents usually kept the door of their room securely closed during the day, but it was ajar right now, and he knew his dad was doing something called “work” and his mom was downstairs.

He grinned as he stepped inside. He loved exploring his parent’s room. There was so much fun stuff in there. The bed was soft and perfect for jumping. The television in here had more channels than the one downstairs and he especially loved walking in the closet, feeling the different textures of suede, silk, tweed and smelling the familiar scents that he associated with home.

Today though, he had another target in mind. He ran over to his mom’s fancy table, the one against the wall. It had a mirror framed with round lights that could change color and lot of brightly colored tubes, small pots and soft brushes. He sat, beamed at the tanned, tow haired boy grinning back at him, and swept his face with one of the brushes, liking the way it tickled. He found a tube of lipstick and smeared it over his mouth, painted streaks of mascara and eyeshadow across his face like the Indians in his books.

“Jason Alexander!” Jason looked up and saw his mother reflected in the mirror. He smiled at her.

She didn’t look angry, on the contrary, she laughed, took his picture and tickled him a little bit.

“Little rascal,” she said, carrying him into the bathroom. She wiped his face off with a damp cloth against his protestations. “It’s not nice to play with other people’s things without asking,” she said, sending him outside to play with his sister.

When he did the same thing the next week, he knew his mom was angry. There was no laughing, no tickling, no pictures or calling him a rascal. She picked him up without a word and carried him into the bathroom again, while he struggled to free himself.

“No Mama! No Mama!” he cried, trying to bat away her hands as she cleaned his face.

“You’re a little boy Jason. Little boys don’t wear makeup. You need to play with your own things and leave Mommy’s things alone.”

Jason didn’t listen but the next time he snuck to her table, all the brushes and bright colored tubes were gone, the fancy drawers locked when he tried to pry them open. He yanked at them a few times, frustrated tears coming to his eyes, when he heard the creak in the hallway that signaled his mother approaching.

Defeated, he slunk away. Maybe Stacey would play with him.

 

* * *

 

Bright lights and plenty of noise signaled a busy weekend at the mall. Thirteen-year-old Jason walked alongside his father heading to the department store. All in all, he was pretty satisfied with his birthday gifts… he got a leather coat he had his eye on forever but knew he would never save up enough to be able to buy himself, and two new Xbox games he was dying to try. But of course, that meant it was Stacey’s birthday too and they were going to pick her and their mom up before heading to dinner.

They found them in the make-up department, with Stacey sitting at the counter.

Jason’s dad frowned. “What is this?” he growled.

Jason’s mom, who was talking with a salesgirl, turned. “Hey honey. Are you guys ready to go to dinner?”

“I thought we were going to let her buy some dresses and shoes.”

Jason’s mom shrugged. “She’s thirteen and she wanted to try some makeup. It’s just some mascara, blush and lip gloss. I started with those around her age, and she needs to learn how to use it.”

While his parents argued, Jason looked at his sister and the makeup on the counter. A slim tube of mascara, a small compact, and another tube that their mom might call lip gloss but was unmistakably lipstick. It was a soft pink that Stacey was currently applying in front of a round mirror. She rubbed her lips together, then smacked them, making a small pop.

Looking at the makeup made him feel uncomfortable, like he didn’t want his sister to have it. Which was stupid. He watched his parents, instead. His mom was showing his dad the dresses Stacey chose. One was a red floral looking one and another blue one printed with tiny white stars. There was nothing wrong with them--Jason knew that his dad was weird about how long his sister’s dresses were--but looking at them made something tighten up and knot in his stomach. He didn’t want his sister to have the dresses the same way he didn’t want her to have the makeup.

Jason found himself hoping his dad wouldn’t let her have them, but in the end, Stacey was allowed to keep her dresses and makeup and they left to go have dinner at a nice restaurant reserved for special occasions.

Jason really liked his gifts but wasn’t quite ready to admit to himself that he would have traded them for the dresses and makeup in a heartbeat.

 

Things got weird after that.

 

He started watching Stacey put makeup on, applying it with a heavy and clumsy hand at home. First, he teased her, until she started to shut the door in his face. And when she was out, he would sneak it into the bathroom and put it on himself. He stood there under the fluorescent lights, staring at himself with his long black lashes, flushed cheeks and pink lips and think of how nice he looked. How pretty. Then he would wash his face off, return the makeup to his sister's room and wonder what the hell was wrong with him.

It wasn't like he wanted to be a girl. He liked being a guy. He liked having a penis. He liked hanging out with his guy friends, being on the swim team, playing video games with his neighbors. He could not deny that men had a certain appeal to them... but then again, so did women.

He liked being a guy.

He just really liked to wear makeup on occasion. He comforted himself for a long time by telling himself that made sense. Even though he knew it didn't.

             

Things got worse as he progressed through high school. Stacey was ultra-feminine and soon he couldn't even walk into the bathroom without seeing different cosmetics cluttering the counter or spilling out from her Caboodles kit. And whenever he stopped by her room to chat, to argue, or just to deliver a message, he could see her clothes strewn everywhere, on the floor, her bed, spilling out of drawers, a chaotic display of bright colors and slim, feminine cuts. Occasionally, when he knew the house would be empty for several hours, he would slip in there, rifle through her clothes, touching them but not feeling brave enough to try any on. He would gather up her makeup and sit in front of her vanity and make himself up, using the tips and techniques cut from magazines that she had stuck to her mirrors, before retreating to his bathroom. He would sometimes jerk off there in front of the mirror, staring at his pretty made-up face before eventually removing his makeup. Then he would feel guiltier and more warped than ever and would swear never to do it again.

             

College changed everything.

 

It started with his sister as usual. Stacey had pleaded and cajoled Jason until he got his roommate to craft a fake ID for her, so she could get into the bars and clubs near her school. He had called her to let her know it was ready, but she had flaked out on him, promising to come by and pick it up next weekend. He laid on his bed, staring at it, turning it in his fingers thoughtfully.

His sister had opted for a college close to home, only an hour from their house. Jason, on the other hand, attended a college that was a little further from home, several hours by car. He had thought of going to the same college his sister did, but the education program at the school he was at now was far superior. College was all about trying new things, so he decided to move to the sleepy college town he was in now.

Stacey had also left for college a week before he had. And he took full advantage of the temporary absence, combing through her room, taking the objects she had thought insignificant enough to be left behind. He hadn’t taken much, things he thought she wouldn’t miss. A sparkly pink halter-top, a pair of black leather pants and a black and gold dress. He took a pair of ugly silver heels, but they were his only choice, and a full Ziploc bag full of assorted makeup. He had stuffed them in the bottom of his trunk, which was where they had stayed. He had crammed a bunch of miscellaneous objects on top of them to keep them hidden just in case someone had opened his trunk up by mistake, but he knew they were in there. Couldn’t stop thinking about them, especially tonight.

He glanced down at the ID again and went to the mirror hanging over the sink. His sister shared his blond hair and light eyes. He bit his lip and pulled at the elastic band holding his hair back. His shoulder length hair fell around his face. He had refused to get the mandatory military style haircut his father had always insisted on once he turned sixteen and had let it grow, much to his father's disgust. He pulled a couple strands forward to frame his face, to hide the angles and soften it a little. He had always had fine features and even when he was dating girls in high school was used to the euphemisms of “pretty boy” and “faggot”. He touched his face, glanced back at the ID. He and his sister had similar features and faces. He could probably do this, if he really wanted. His roommate was at his girlfriend’s place all weekend long. Yeah, he could do this.

Jason grabbed his shaving kit and did a quick, but careful shave over the sink. He went to the door, turned the lock, and then double checked the blinds to make sure the interior of the room wasn’t visible before pulling his trunk out of the closet. He pulled some socks and an old duffel bag out of the way. He wasn’t feeling brave enough for the dress, so he pulled out the black leather pants and the sparkly pink top, threw them on his bed and eyed them uneasily. God, he hoped they fit. The pants came on easily. The pink top took some work, but he managed to shimmy into it eventually. The top fit somewhat strangely, it was too flat in the chest and his shoulders looked too wide in the slinky shirt.

Jason combed his hair and left it in long layers around his face. Then he applied the makeup with a steady hand, smiling slightly at the irony of it all. He was probably better at this than his sister was. He slid lip-gloss over his lips, smacking and pursing them, before smiling at his reflection. He loved this. He looked so beautiful right now. He would never make the prettiest girl, but he could definitely pass as a woman, and not a bad looking one at that. He smirked again as he turned to check out his backside. Oh yeah, he looked way better than any drag queen. He pocketed the ID for his sister and grabbed his wallet and keys before forcing his feet into the silver heels. Christ, those were uncomfortable. He started to unlock the door, then paused. Sure he looked like a girl but not so much that he could pass for one in front of his dorm mates, who saw him every day. He looked around for a moment, then went to his window, unlocked it. Jason climbed out and closed it behind him carefully.

He drove around town aimlessly, with no destination in mind, just feeling giddy and adventurous and reveling in the way he felt in heels and makeup. He stopped by a department store, bought a new jacket and a better pair of shoes, strappy sandals that were black instead of silver and not two sizes too small. He practically glowed when a saleslady called him “Ma’am” and reveled in the fact that he could shop freely in the ladies’ department, and no one would think a thing of it.

He eventually left when a sharp-eyed salesperson noticed the name on his credit card and drove to the town’s modest downtown area. Club Rodeo was mostly for the country crowd, but catered to the college population on weekend, playing modern music and serving up plenty of alcohol. Jason knew that if he could pull off his new persona underneath the bright fluorescents of a department store, then he should have no problem in the smoky, dim lights of Club Rodeo.

He left his wallet in the glove compartment; only taking cash and his sister’s fake ID with him. He pulled on his new jacket, a sexy black number with a feminine cut to hide his shoulders and strolled up to the entrance of the club. The bouncer gave his ID a cursory glance then waved him through.

Club Rodeo was already packed, a typical Friday night. Jason moved through the crowd of bodies, grabbing the first available barstool and ordering a drink. He started with a beer, keeping it simple. A couple of guys gave him an appraising stare and he averted his gaze, blushing, and downed the beer before hitting the dance floor. He felt safer there, able to blend in with the mix of bodies, jumping and grinding and shaking with the rest of the crowd. The adrenaline from what he was doing fueled his body and he danced, song after song after song until sweat dampened his hair and neck and his muscles felt weak and watery. Wiping a hand across his forehead, he moved off the dance floor, went to the bar again. He hopped up onto the bar stool and waited for the bartender, wandering what he should order. He knew his sister favored daiquiris, but he hated the taste of them… too sweet for his liking.

“Hey.” Jason jumped at hearing a voice, a low masculine rasp near his ear and turned his head. A man, tall and handsome with dark hair and eyes, stood right behind him, flashing Jason a smile. He sat down on the recently vacated stool to Jason’s right. “I saw you working it out there on the dance floor. Must be thirsty.”

“Uh… yeah,” Jason answered and winced slightly. He had to raise his voice to be heard over the music and it sounded way too deep. He changed the pitch, feeling his throat straining from the effort of it. “I guess.”


“Let me buy you a drink then,” the man offered, gesturing to the bartender. The bartender was over there before Jason could come up with a good excuse for refusing. “I’ll have a shot of the Patrón, my dear, and the lady here will be having…” The man trailed off, giving Jason an inquisitive look, quirking his eyebrow.

Jason’s heart did a slow flip inside his chest at the word lady. “I’ll have the same.”

The man smiled again. “I wouldn’t have pegged you as a fan of tequila.”

Jason smiled in return and shrugged his shoulders, raked a hand through his hair, trying to rearrange it unobtrusively. He was getting nervous at the way the man kept looking at him.

The bartender set the two glasses of tequila in front of them along with a slice of lime.

The man leaned forward, took one of the glasses and pulled it towards him. “What’s your name, beautiful?” the man asked.

“Stacey,” Jason lied, saying the first name that came to mind. “And yours?”

“Levi,” the man said, lifting his glass off the counter and peering into the golden liquid. “Do you know how to take a shot of tequila, Stacey?”

Hearing his sister’s name from the stranger’s lips was as unsettling as it was arousing. Jason mutely shook his head.

“Then I better educate you, hmm?” Levi said, his smile taking a little bit of the arrogant edge out of the statement. He took Jason’s hand, pulling it towards him and turning it over, pushing the sleeve of his jacket up to reveal his wrist. The stranger took the lime wedge and slid the pulpy edge along the inside of his wrist, leaving a damp trail of juice in its wake. Jason felt his pulse jump and race underneath his skin as the man sprinkled a dusting of salt over his skin and lifted his eyes.

“Open your mouth,” Levi commanded, his voice soft and intimate. Jason mindlessly complied, without a second thought, drawn in by the sensual stroke of the stranger’s voice. The tangy bite of lime touched his tongue as Levi slid the slice of fruit into his mouth. “Don’t bite it, just hold it there.”

Levi drew back slightly, offered another one of those sly sexy smiles, before leaning down and sliding his tongue along the interior of Jason’s wrist, his tongue collecting the grains of salt. He lifted his head, shot down the glass of tequila. Then leaned forward, captured the lime Jason held in between his teeth. Their lips touched, bumped together gently before the stranger pulled back, lime caught in his teeth. “See?”

Jason was trying to calm his racing heart. That simple ritual, the salt, the hot sweep of tongue, the tequila lips barely touching his own had been a little too intimate… erotic.

“Want to try?” Levi asked, a teasing smile on his lips. There was just enough challenge to the words to bring Jason’s back up. He took the lime, and Levi obligingly turned his arm so his wrist was exposed. Jason slid it up the other man’s wrist before he held it out to Levi, who took it into his mouth with a slow, heated gaze. Jason sprinkled a little salt with unsteady fingers, then slid his tongue up the trail he just made, the rough grains producing points of salty pleasure along his tongue before being swept away by the searing burn of tequila. He tilted his head up, took the lime and bit into it, the tart juice squirting in between his teeth. He heard Levi’s low chuckle, then the lime was being pulled from his lips, the other man giving him an amused look. “How was it?” Levi purred, speaking softly and close to Jason’s ear, making him suppress another delightful shiver.

“Delicious,” Jason answered back boldly, giving him a flirtatious smile. In reality, tequila was one of the vilest things he had ever tasted. Levi smiled back.

“Delectable,” the dark man said, leaning in. Jason had barely time to register this and catch his breath before Levi’s mouth was over his. It moved slowly over his, coaxing Jason’s lips apart to allow entrance of his tongue. Swept up by the events of the night, the guilty pleasure of indulging in something he had wanted most of his life, along with Levi’s flattering attention and the alcohol still lingering on his tongue, Jason gave into it, parting his lips and deepening the kiss.

Levi's hands were warm on him, one resting on his low back, right where his shirt rode up slightly to expose his skin, the other lightly resting on the back of his neck. Jason shivered with delight and moved a little closer. Levi made a low approving sound deep in his chest and emboldened, Jason slid a hand up Levi’s thigh.

Levi broke the kiss, and Jason opened his eyes to see him staring at his face, his lips. Embarrassed, Jason glanced away, feeling his face heat up.

“Come on,” Levi said, standing and offering a hand. Jason took it and followed, prepared to resist if Levi tried to lead him out of the club, but he just ended up leading him to a relatively quiet corner, away from the music and lights. Then Levi was kissing him again and Jason responded eagerly, wrapping his arms around Levi’s neck and feeling another delicious thrill as Levi hooked an arm around his waist and pulled him up flush against him. Jason ran a hand up the back of his neck, slid his fingers into the thick hair and—feeling dizzy and brave—gave it a small tug. Levi made a brief, muffled sound against his mouth, then hands against his low back were pressing in, rocking his hips forward. Jason rose up on his toes, a dangerous feat in unfamiliar heels, but between Levi’s hands on him and the weight of his body pressing in, he felt steady enough. He buried both his hands in his hair, liking the way it felt, and Levi’s hands continued to roam, one sliding up his back towards the shoulder, the other one slipping into the waistband of his pants near the small of his back, and just resting there, a hot brand against Jason’s skin. Some small part of Jason’s brain was trying to warn him, that this was supposed to be a fun night out and that he was getting in too deep too fast, but Jason was only focused on Levi, and how good it felt kissing him and how nice the hands felt on him, and the unexpected, erotic thrill of making out with a virtual stranger in the dark corner of a club.

Jason willingly let his head drop back when Levi’s mouth moved to gently nibble at his earlobe, then slide down to trace the line of his pulse. There was another rock of hips and Jason could feel something firm pressing against his hip. Jason jerked away with a gasp.

Feeling Levi’s erection reminded him of a few things. First, that he was getting one too. Second, that Levi’s lips had been too close to his Adam’s apple for comfort. Third, Levi thought he was kissing a girl. Christ, was he crazy? What would happen if Levi felt the hardness under Jason’s zipper or if he lips brushed over a prominent piece of cartilage that girls weren’t supposed to have? Ugly visions of Levi shouting out his secret to the entire club or beating him up for his betrayal flooded his head, helped the erection wilt a little bit under the cold wave of panic.

Levi was trying to move back in again and Jason turned his face away, pressing hands up against his chest. Levi allowed Jason to keep a distance between them, but gave him a concerned look, toying with a lock of hair. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jason inwardly winced at the sound of his voice, too low and rough, tinged with arousal. He tried to pitch it back up again, felt his throat and chest straining with the effort of it. The panic didn’t help, made it come out too light and thready. “I just—I have to go.”

From the searching gaze that Levi gave him, Jason knew that the excuse sounded just as flimsy as it felt coming out of his mouth.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Levi said. He didn’t step in close to Jason, but he did lift his hand and put it on Jason’s face, his thumb tracing the line of his bottom lip, resting there. Jason felt a strong urge to do ridiculous things to the thumb resting near his lips, like letting his tongue slip out to taste it, or to draw it into his mouth and bite the fleshy pad of it. Instead, he turned his head to break the hold and took another step away.

“You didn’t scare me.” He let his voice drop a bit, to put some confidence into his words. “I just really have to go.”

Levi looked disappointed but nodded. “Did you come with somebody?”

Jason shook his head.

“Let me walk you to your car then,” Levi offered, and before Jason could think of a reason to refuse, there was already a warm hand on the small of his back and he could remember using the same intimate gesture when escorting one of his girlfriends out of a restaurant. Once they were out of the club, into the cooler night air, Jason moved into the heat of Levi’s body rather than pull his jacket back on. Levi slid an arm across his shoulders with a warm chuckle.

“You’re cute,” he murmured into Jason’s hair. Jason could feel his face grow warm with a mix of pleasure from the compliment and the guilt that was still gnawing at his gut. He slid out from underneath Levi’s arm as he reached his car and pulled the keys from the pocket of his jacket.

“Hey,” Levi said, from behind him, sliding a hand up his arm to cup his elbow. “Let me have your number.”

“Um… I…” Thrown by the unexpected comments, he fumbled a little before answering. “I don’t like to give my number out to strangers. Why don’t you let me have yours?”

Levi looked thoughtful for a moment, then he smiled. “Okay. But promise to come back out tomorrow night.”

No way, Jason thought, but smiled and nodded. Levi gave him his number, watching him put it in his cellphone to be sure he had it right. Once he was safely in his car, however, Levi tapped on the window. Jason rolled it down to allow Levi to dip his head inside and kiss him again. Against his better judgment, Jason found himself leaning into the kiss, then pushing himself up through the window to deepen the kiss. The edge of the window dug into his hands and lower abdomen, but he ignored it, pressing into the kiss hungrily.

Levi was the first to draw away. “I better let you go before I crawl into that car with you,” he said. He was looking at Jason’s mouth. Jason slid back into the seat of his car, feeling flushed, aroused and breathless. He rolled his window up before he could lean back out for another taste of Levi’s mouth. He could feel his eyes on him as he pulled out of the parking lot and the hands on the steering wheel were trembling slightly. Only once he was safely on his way back to campus did he finally start breathing normally. His heart was racing and the throbbing between his legs was almost painful, pressing uncomfortably tight against the flat cut of the fabric.

He was careful when getting out of his car on campus, pulling on his jacket and lowering his head so that his hair covered most of his face. He didn’t fully relax until he was back in his dorm room.

The Jason that clumsily climbed back in his dorm window was a very different one from the one who had left the same room several hours earlier. The giddy, exultant excitement was gone, replaced by confusion, shame and lust that had been tamped down to something more akin to sexual frustration. He was still achingly hard though, and it wasn’t long before he was releasing himself from the confines of the tight leather, gripping himself in his hand and stroking furiously. He gritted his teeth and pressed his back against the wall, recalling the events from that evening… the sexy tequila shot, the breathless, intense kissing, the hot branding heat from Levi’s hands on his skin. He imagined how the evening might have progressed, had he really been a girl, pressing up against Levi’s body, maybe stroking the hardness he felt underneath the zipper of the other man’s pants. What next? Would Jason have let Levi take him home or would they have continued their make out session in his car, writhing against upholstery? How far would they have gone?

The orgasm came quickly, fueled by those thoughts, leaving him feeling worn out and drained. He peeled his sweaty-sticky clothing off, cleaned up and washed the makeup off, making sure that he didn’t look at his reflection in the mirror until all traces of it were gone. When he looked back into the mirror, he was just Jason again, just a guy with maybe too long hair, but a guy all the same. He fell into bed in his boxers, looking at the phone number Levi had entered into his phone, then set it aside.

Until Levi had come by it had been a fun evening. And after Levi... well, that had been fun too. And he couldn’t pretend that some part of him hadn’t wanted that, hadn’t wanted him. Levi could have been easily deterred, but Jason flirted back, encouraged him, kissed him. So what did that mean? He liked kissing Levi, liked the way Levi touched him, and even though he knew meeting him again would be the worst possible mistake, his stomach still gave an excited flutter at the idea. Okay, so he had a crush. An infatuation. It had happened before. It didn’t mean anything.

Except…

This was more than a crush. There had been contact, kissing, touching. This was no fantasy that lurked in the dark dirty corners of his mind that he guilty reflected on while masturbating within the sheets of his high school bed.

Did that make him gay?

On the heels of that question was another thought. Levi thought he was a woman, not a guy. So even if Jason was gay, Levi was probably not. The only way Jason could flirt and kiss and touch Levi was while he looked like a woman and that wasn’t a charade he could keep up forever. Going to meet Levi again was nearly out of the question.

Jason turned over. And he hadn’t even broached the crux of the issue. He had indulged himself in something he always wanted, dressed up in the clothes that he had envied as they peeked out from his sister’s closet, had worn her makeup and had gone out to present himself in front of anyone that crossed his path; had indulged himself in something he had wanted since he was little, ever since he felt the longing that drew him to his mother’s makeup table, following a longing that even now held him deep in its thrall. He knew what a fetish was, but that word didn’t seem to fit the way he felt about makeup and clothing. He didn’t get sexually excited by it, he got excited by the way he felt when he was wearing it, by the knowledge that people would look at him, and assume they were looking at a woman. A lady. It was different than the excitement that Levi caused. Levi had awakened something in his body that burned hot, that grew hungrier with each desperate kiss. Jason wondered if he would feel the same way if Levi kissed him if he was dressed normally, in his usual jeans and T-shirt, with no pretense. Then he wondered why that idea didn’t feel as good as the idea of kissing him in heels and makeup did.

He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Or maybe he should just go to sleep and forget trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him, because that would take way more than just one night.

And he would definitely have to stay away from Levi. No question about that.

                        

The next day, Jason found himself digging out the dress, laying it out on the bed and looking it over with a critical eye. He ignored the fact that he was considering a very bad idea, instead focusing on the more practical aspect of whether or not it would fit. It looked like it would be too form fitting and too tight, which was something he would like to avoid after last night. He tried it on just in case and decided that it wasn’t going to work. He looked like a boy wearing a dress. Instead of flinging it into his closet in frustration, he carefully folded it up and stowed it away.

Half an hour later he was in his car, heading towards the nearby mall. He wasn’t brave enough to show his face in the department store he was at the previous night. After some trepidation, he chose a store that sold both male and female clothing. At least that way he wouldn’t get any weird looks if other people, or god-forbid classmates, saw him exiting. He very deliberately wandered into the female section, looking around curiously until a sales associate approached.

“Can I help you find anything?” she asked. Jason tried to ignore the way her eyes raked his form and then darted to the male section of the store.

“I’m actually looking for something for my sister,” Jason lied. He had meticulously thought of a plausible excuse on the drive and had even recited it several times before exiting his vehicle. “This is one of her favorite stores, but they don’t have one where she goes to school. Her birthday is coming up and I thought it would be a nice surprise if I had something from her favorite place to send her.”

The sales associate obviously warmed at that, giving him a slow smile and tucking her hair behind her ear. “That’s so sweet. Why don’t you pick up a gift card? She can use it to shop online.”

Oh… crap. Jason returned her smile as he scrambled for an answer. Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“I might do that. But she gets so many of those from our parents and friends and such that I wanted to make sure she had an actual gift to open on her special day.” Jason felt himself starting to blush and stuffed his sweaty hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders up.

“She’s lucky to have such a thoughtful brother. What’s her name?”

“Stacey,” Jason said, feeling a welcome relief at having an answer he didn’t have to fabricate. His shoulders unknotted and loosened slightly.

“Okay, well let’s find Stacey a fantastic birthday outfit from her cute brother.” She winked at him, and he felt his blush glow even hotter. “What kind of clothes does she like to wear?”

“Well, that’s where I might need your help,” Jason said. “I know that she doesn’t like anything that shows her shoulders. She complains about them. I’ve heard to her talk to her friends about being shaped like a triangle, but upside down?”

“An inverted triangle,” the sales associate confirmed, nodding. Jason smiled at her again. He had looked it up on the internet before he left the house, but he liked that she picked it up for him. “So, she would probably want something that would minimize her shoulders and accentuate her hips, then. What kind of style does your sister like? Is she super romantic or preppy or tomboyish or more edgy?”

“Uh…” Jason's eyes widened. He didn’t know there were that many ways girls could dress. “Kinda romantic, I guess. Not tomboyish at all, she’s very… girly. She’ll wear jeans sometimes, but with a very girly top and she likes skirts and dresses a lot.”

“Okay. Well, as far as jeans go, she would probably like a boot-cut or flared leg. For tops, she would do well with something that is a V or scooped neck, and in a darker color. Then, if she wants a skirt, I would get her something that is flared and in a bright color or has a busy pattern. Now, if she likes really feminine styles, then I would suggest…”

If Jason could have tipped sale associates, he would have. He found out more about clothing in one shopping trip with his knowledgeable sales associate that he learned from years of clandestine internet searches and reading articles from Stacey’s teen magazines while she and her parents were out. He left with three shirts and a skirt, as well as a T-shirt from the men’s section that he threw in to hide suspicion. The sales associate beamed as she rang him up, then made a point to lean forward to give him his bag.

“I hope your sister likes them, but if not, feel free to bring them back and I’ll help you find something else. My name is Alicia.”

“Thank you, Alicia,” he grinned at her again. “You’ve been a lot of help.”

He left the store feeling almost elated with his success. He had a pretty new skirt, a reason to go out tonight, and armed with plenty of information about what to wear. The excitement and empowerment were overriding any trepidation he had about going back to the club. It was unlikely that Levi had been serious about returning to the club that evening and even so, it was a large enough place that was always crowded on weekends.

And having the sale associate flirt with him didn’t hurt his male ego one bit either.

It was maddening, but he made himself wait until late that evening before getting ready. He shaved and showered, took his time putting on his makeup and doing his hair. He started wishing he had something he could use to curl his hair, or maybe some jewelry. Soon, maybe. He smiled as he pulled on his new blouse, a black V neck and his new flared, kelly-green skirt. They paired perfectly with his black sandals from the previous night. He couldn’t resist a little spin in front of the mirror either, watching the motion and swish of the skirt around his legs.

He climbed out of his dorm window like the previous night, bringing his coat even though he didn’t really need it because it provided a place to house his keys and I.D. He really needed to get a purse one of these days.

He firmly cut off the flow of thoughts in that direction, instead focusing on getting to the club. The bouncer was the same one as the previous night and his fake I.D. worked as well as it had then. He went straight to the bar and claimed a stool, before looking around the club briefly. He didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed not to see Levi anywhere nearby.

He ordered a drink and instead of dancing, watched other girls at the bar, watching the way they moved, the way they sat and trying to match them. He watched a pretty brunette laughing and touching the arm of her companion, before dropping her hand and crossing her legs, sliding one leg against the other. He tried to replicate the motion, shifting one leg over the knee of the other and ended up overbalancing and had to grab onto the bar top to keep himself from toppling over, feeling embarrassed.

The bartender approached and set a drink in front of him, a bright green cocktail that glowed underneath the club lights. “Compliments of the gentleman.”

“Gentleman?” Jason turned in the direction that the bartender gestured in and almost ran right into Levi.

“Hey gorgeous,” Levi greeted him, bending down to press a quick, chaste kiss on his cheek.

Jason couldn’t keep from smiling back. “Hey there.”

Levi watched him carefully for a moment before leaning down to kiss him again, on the mouth this time and not as quick or chaste but drew back before it became too heated.

“So, some gentleman bought me a drink,” Jason teased, gesturing to the cocktail.

“Wench,” Levi teased back. “I wanted to buy you a drink that matched your skirt.”

Jason smiled and slid the glass towards himself, taking a sip. It was rather too sweet for his liking, something his sister would be fonder of than he was, but he liked it anyway. He liked all of it; that Levi bought it for him, that he had noticed his skirt, that he had given him a girly looking drink.

“Do you like it?” Levi asked.

“What is it?” Jason asked.

“A Midori sour,” Levi said. “The Midori gives it that green color.”

Jason took another sip. He was trying to enjoy it, he really wanted to, but something must have showed in his expression, because Levi frowned. “You don’t like it?”

“No, it’s just very sweet.”

Levi didn’t look displeased, just nodded. “Midori is a liqueur, they tend to be sweeter.” He leaned against the bar, propped his chin in his hand, watching him. “If you don’t like sweet drinks, then you must not be much of a fan of cocktails.”

Jason shrugged. “I’m more of a beer gu-al,” Jason corrected the slip halfway through, painfully aware of how awkward it sounded. Idiot! he berated himself. Remember where you are!

“Really?” Levi said, sounding intrigued. “What kind?”

“Guinness.” It was the only kind of beer he had ever really tried, easily available from the endless supply that his dad kept in the basement fridge.

Levi gestured to the bartender, and a few minutes later, Jason had a pint of Guinness set in front of him. Levi grinned and plucked the Midori sour from Jason’s weak grip. “I hope you don’t mind eschewing gender norms,” Levi said in a teasing voice.

Jason took a drink of the Guinness, the familiar taste calming him a little bit as he watched Levi drink the cocktail.

“You like it?” he asked, curious.

Levi lowered the glass and licked his lips. “I like sweet.” He winked at Jason. “Are you sweet?”

“I can be,” Jason said.

“Can you?” Levi murmured. He moved closer, touching him, sliding his fingers against the base of his back, sliding them up his shirt. “Can you be sweet for me?”

Jason couldn't help the smile that crept across his face as he took another sip of his beer.

“If you give me the right initiative.”

Levi kept up a steady stream of flirting that Jason couldn’t help responding to. He felt giddy at the attention, but as the night progressed, he recognized that he loved the way he felt right now, with Levi. He felt powerful. And he felt sexy, in a way that he never felt when he was fumbling with girls, trying for the effortless chivalry that Levi displayed. It was intoxicating.

His throat quickly grew raw with the strain of keeping his voice from dropping to a lower register and he finished his beer quickly. When laughing at one of Levi’s innuendos, his voice cracked under the strain and sent him into a fit of coughing. Jason quickly brought his hand up to his throat, rubbing it and tilted his head forward to try and cover it with his hair. He felt Levi shift next to him and shivered a little as he heard his voice, close to his ear. “You want to get out of here? Find a place that is a little quieter?”

Quieter, Jason thought. Quiet meant private. His heartbeat sped up but it didn't stop him from nodding his head and giving Levi a smile that he hoped looked more flirtatious than nervous.

Levi held out a hand and Jason stared blankly at it for a second before he took the offered assistance off the stool. He could feel himself shiver slightly as Levi steered him towards the exit, even though he didn’t feel cold.

“You can follow me, if you don’t want to ride with me,” Levi offered, and Jason gratefully accepted. Much to his amusement, Jason found himself led to a miniature golf course. He went along with it, because he wanted to spend more time with Levi, even though he thought it was a little cheesy. But it turned out that Levi was just as terrible at miniature golf as Jason was, so they were able to tease each other and laugh uproariously over their progressively dreadful shots. There was a bar that offered more beer that Jason gratefully accepted and as they progressed through the neon-lined courses, they talked. It turns out that they both had sisters, and traded tales.

“She goes to different college,” Jason said. “We get along well, but we wanted different things in school and we both thought it would be good to have some space. We’ve been twins for all our lives.”

“Identical?”

Jason shook his head. He knelt to place his ball down at the start of one of the courses, then gave Levi a smile and wink over his shoulder. He swung and pouted as his ball veered off course.

“You’re putting too quickly,” Levi said, strolling up behind him as Jason stalked off in pursuit of his wayward ball.

“How would you know?” Jason asked. He had a few more beers since they got there and was feeling comfortably tipsy. He glanced at the ball and at the hole he was aiming for. He felt Levi come up behind him.

“Here,” Levi said, pressing up against Jason's back as he placed his hands over Jason’s. “Like this.” He guided Jason’s club as it struck the ball, which veered to the right over the astroturf and missed the hole entirely.

Jason started to laugh again. He knew he was verging on dangerous territory, with too many beers in him and increasing trouble controlling his voice, but the heady mixture of alcohol and flirting and the quiet intimacy of the night were beginning to take its toll on him. He felt euphoric, exhilarated, sexy and special.

Grinning, he turned to face Levi. “So, that’s how it’s done, is it?”

Levi smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him close and giving him a firm kiss on the mouth. “Wench.”

Feeling bold, Jason decided to answer that insult with a pinch to Levi’s backside. Levi chuckled.

“Handsy, are we?” Levi teased. A hand stroked down Jason’s back and traced the curve of his ass through the material of his skirt. Jason could feel the shiver that rippled through him. Part of it was excitement, and another part, a larger part was shame.

What he was doing was increasingly risky, and he knew it. Knew he had to stop this from going any further. That touch was a silent invitation that Jason knew he couldn’t accept.

But Jason was starting to like Levi. Really like Levi. To the point where he desperately wanted to accept was Levi was offering. And if Levi felt anything like what Jason was beginning to feel for him, then what he was doing was impossibly unfair. He was a lie. Levi was attracted to a lie and Jason continuing to feed it to him wasn’t fair.

But revealing the truth right now wasn’t an option either. This needed to end. Tonight, cleanly, before it got too deep.

Jason stepped away, re-established space. If Levi was disappointed, then he didn’t show it.

“Um… I’m kind of over this,” Jason said, indicating the whole mini-golf set-up.

“Fair enough,” Levi said. “Those obstacles get creepy after dark.”

Jason smiled as they turned in their equipment and Levi walked him to his car.

“Can I have your number?” Levi asked.

“I’m still not comfortable with that,” Jason said. Cut it off, cut it off now.

“Can I at least get a good night kiss?” Levi asked with a smile.

Jason couldn’t see where one kiss would be too much to ask. And if he was honest with himself, it would be nice to have this one thing, something to remember because he knew he would never be able to see Levi again.

“Please,” he said, tilting his head to meet Levi as he closed in.

Jason planned on something sweet and quick, but as soon as he felt Levi’s mouth against his, firm and hot, something deep in his chest woke up, a fierce hunger and need. Instead of drawing back, he wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck, pulling him down, closer. Levi responded in kind, wrapping his arms around his waist and stepping forward until Jason felt the back of his body bump against the car. There was no escape for him and Jason found he didn’t want to. He wanted Levi to take him, consume him, make him his.

The world around him seemed to fade into the background, until it was just him and Levi, and the heat of their bodies. Jason pulled Levi even closer, wanting more of that heat, the firm press of Levi’s erection against his hip, playing with fire that grew more dangerous with each passing moment.

“Stacey.” It was just a murmur, barely there, sliding out in the briefest pause between kisses, but it hit Jason like a bucket of ice water, chilling him through and bringing him cruelly back to the present situation.

Jason jerked away, breathing heavily. “I—I have—”

“Stacey,” Levi’s hands came up to frame his face. It was torture to meet his gaze. His eyes were dark with lust, but there was a warmth there that had nothing to do with sex. It was compassion, affection. Levi’s thumbs brushed gently, carefully under his eyes, along Jason’s cheekbones.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I promise,” Levi whispered. “Please don’t be afraid.”

Jason’s heart gave a painful clench. Because he knew Levi was being honest, it was all over his face, in his voice, in the gentle touch on Jason’s skin. But the reassurance wasn’t for him. It was for Stacey, a girl that didn’t exist, had never existed, had always been a lie. All of it, a lie. The pretty flirty words were not for him. The kisses and the teasing and the colorful, too sweet drink to match the skirt weren’t for him. They were for Stacey. They were for the lie. Levi deserved better and Jason was sad and pathetic for taking advantage of him. Bile and shame welled up inside Jason as Levi moved in for another kiss.

Jason jerked back and ducked under Levi’s arm. The other man made no move to stop him, but there was a poorly concealed note of desperation in his voice. “Stacey. Please.”

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. His voice, clogged with trying to hold back tears, had dropped to its usual register. Jason fumbled for the door handle and nearly threw himself into the driver’s seat. He focused all his attention on getting out of there, making sure not to look at Levi if he could help it, and drove. His hands were shaking on the wheel.

He arrived at his dorm, feeling a kind of numb detachment, as he climbed in through the window, shucked his clothes and removed all traces of his makeup. He packed everything, even the new shirts he had bought but not yet worn, deep into his trunk, tossing anything he could find on top. The makeup went into the trash compactor.

He was done. Done with all of it. Done with makeup, done with skirts that flared out around his knees and done with flirting in nightclubs.

Levi had been a mistake. An error in judgment, someone that had gotten in too far, too deep, too close.

Jason grabbed his phone. He shot a text to his sister, telling her if she didn’t come up next weekend to pick up her ID, he was binning it. Then he scrolled down to Levi’s number on his contacts where the other man had entered it and deleted it.

There. Done.

Jason dropped his phone and curled up in his bed. There, in the dark and the quiet, he finally let the tears come.

 

           

Stacey had greeted his text with some annoyance but agreed to be up the next weekend. And she was bringing someone named Ben, her new paramour, that she wanted Jason to meet.

Jason was looking forward to the visit. He had spent much of the week in a funk. His roommate, who had returned Sunday afternoon, had taken Jason’s red eyes and sour demeanor as a weekend of too much partying. Jason made no attempt to disabuse him of this notion, as it was much preferable to the truth, and he could endure a little good-natured teasing about not holding his alcohol better than he could the truth.

 

Stacey—the real one—came in on Friday evening as promised. Jason had made reservations for all three of them at an upscale restaurant. Stacey and Ben were waiting for him there.

Jason thought Ben looked just like Stacey’s type, preppy and good looking. He was a bit formal and polite at first, but soon warmed up as they talked. Stacey had swept her long hair up into a fancy updo and had on a black dress with strappy black sandals that reminded Jason of the shoes currently buried in the detritus of his trunk. He wondered where she had gotten them, then reminded himself that he wasn’t supposed to think that way anymore. He was done with that.

Jason sat through a five-course meal, letting Stacey do most of the talking, which was easy enough. Stacey loved to talk and was good at telling stories. Ben laughed easily, and Jason found himself liking him a little bit more by the time dessert came around.

They were discussing after dinner plans when a well-dressed man approached the table.

“And how is everything this evening?”

Jason turned, looked up and froze. His stomach contracted and for a moment he was desperately afraid that his fine meal was going to come back up.

Levi stood there, a small professional smile on his face.

As soon as Jason looked up, Levi’s gaze shifted to him. Their eyes met, and Levi’s smile faltered. Something hot and electric passed through each of them and Jason knew that the game was up. Levi knew.

“Stacey?” Levi asked.

“Yes?” she chirped from her place on the other side of the table. She looked politely puzzled.

Levi gazed at him, then at her, and then the professional smile was back in place.

“I just wanted to make sure your dining experience exceeded your expectations,” Levi said smoothly.

“Oh yes,” Stacey said. “The lamb chops with the foie gras were just amazing.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Levi said, his smile deepening slightly. “I’m the manager here, please let me know if you need anything at all.”

“Thanks,” Stacey said, beaming.

Levi gave Jason another unreadable glance before exiting.

“Geez, Stacey, flirt much?” Ben asked, but without much venom.

“He asked how our meal was,” she responded defensively. “Someone had to answer him.”

“Yeah, but he was obviously addressing you. How did he know your name?”

Stacey shrugged. “How the hell should I know?”

“It—It might have been on the reservation,” Jason interjected feebly, once he had finally managed to unstick his throat. He felt weak, shaky and sick with dread. Levi knew. He knew.

Stacey glanced up and her eyebrows drew together in concern. “Are you okay? You’re as white as a sheet.”

Jason shook his head. “Excuse me,” he mumbled and found the bathroom. He turned on the water and splashed his face. Stared at the water circling the drain and tried to pull himself back together. His plan for Levi was to ghost him, disengage completely and just fade away. Cowardly, he knew, and a dick move, but it sounded like the best option. He couldn’t continue with the facade forever, and he didn’t want to hurt Levi by letting him get too close. He had never planned on getting someone else involved, it was supposed to be a fun sexy experiment to try out a part of himself that he had hidden away for years. Levi had been an unexpected complication. A fun one, but a complication nonetheless.

He supposed that deep down, it didn’t really matter. His relationship with Levi was dead regardless, but he wasn’t prepared to have him find out like this. It was mortifying.

Jason decided the best course of action was to get out as soon as possible, drop Stacey and Ben off at Club Rodeo, get back to the dorm, and forget that this nightmare had ever happened.

Jason dried his face and went back out, tried to pretend he was having a good time.

But he couldn’t get the earlier encounter out of his mind. That searing eye contact, the faltering smile, the confused “Stacey?”

Stacey, Stacey, Stacey.

Lies, lies and lies.

His secret. It was a special thing, a secret thing, and no-one was supposed to get hurt.

 

Going straight home after dropping Ben and Stacey off was the plan, but life showed him again that his plans didn’t matter. When the waiter came by to drop off the check, he also discreetly passed Jason a card.

When he glanced down to read it, printed in neat letters was the message Can we talk? Meet me here at 11.

Jason felt himself blush, and quickly stuffed the card into his pocket. He settled the check and drove Ben and Stacey around town before to the club. When dropping them off, Jason asked the two of them if it would be okay if they got an Uber back to the hotel.

“Sure,” Ben said. Stacey frowned a little. “Are you still feeling off?”

“A little,” Jason answered, and it wasn’t even a lie. He felt nauseated and his stomach was a tight ball of dread.

He pulled back up to the restaurant right at 11. He tried the door to find it locked, but Levi appeared a few seconds later and unlocked it to let him in.

“Sorry,” Levi said. “But if I left the doors open, inevitably people would assume we were still open, come inside and demand food after the kitchen has been shut down and our cooks sent home.”

He led Jason to the bar. “Have a seat,” Levi invited. Jason sat, and Levi poured them two glasses of Guinness. Levi stayed on the other side, leaving the bar as a barrier between them.

“Before I even start,” Levi said, “I want to make sure it was you I flirted with at the club and not your sister.”

There it was. His biggest, deepest, most shameful secret laid out there so casually.

“Yes,” Jason managed, his voice weak and trembling. It was the hardest word he had ever said.

“So, I wanted to apologize for earlier,” Levi started.

“I—apologize? For what?”

“I was surprised to see you, and I didn't mean to accidentally out you before you were ready.”

“Out me,” Jason repeated.

“Yes.”

Out me.

“You knew?” Jason whispered. “You knew that I wasn’t—wasn’t really—”

“Yeah,” Levi said. “That's why I approached you at first. I have a sister who is trans and I tend to get a little… protective of people who remind me of her. I saw you at the club and mainly just wanted to make sure no one gave you a hard time or ruined your night and maybe flirt a little. But then you had the most beautiful smile and were so charming and witty… I started to want you.”

Jason took another drink of beer to give himself time to think. This was not what he had expected. Levi knew, had known, the entire time. Had let him carry on with the charade. The part about him recognizing who Jason was had stung a bit, he thought he had done such a good job.

“So…” Jason said. “If you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”

Levi shrugged. “Well, it would have been rude initially. And I didn’t want to do anything that might trigger your dysphoria. Or scare you away.”

I scared myself away, Jason thought wryly.

“Well…” Jason thought about what he wanted to say and chose his words carefully. “You know now. So, what do you want from me?”

“A few more dates would be nice, if you are okay with it,” Levi said. “I like you a lot… do you want me to continue to call you Stacey?”

“That might be a bit confusing with my sister around. Maybe just call me…” Jason thought for a moment. Somehow, he didn’t want Levi calling him by his true name, his entirely masculine name. It seemed wrong. “J,” he finally decided. “Call me Jay.”

“Okay then Jay,” Levi said agreeably. “Like I said, I like you a lot and I want to take you out again.”

“I—I’m not—”

“Unless you’re not interested in me.”

“No, I am, but—I don’t—”

“For the time being—” Levi interrupted, “How about a phone number and try looking a little less frightened of me?”

Jason’s face grew hot. “I’m not afraid of you. But I don’t think I’m what you were expecting.”

“Well, no, not exactly.” Levi said, leaning forward and touching Jason’s tie, letting it slide between his fingers. Jason felt his breath catch in his chest. The intimate gesture, the warmth of Levi and his heady cologne, was making it hard to think straight. He could see Levi’s mouth and wanted very badly to kiss him, remembering the hot desperation that night at the mini golf. But then Levi was leaning back, retreating, giving Jason his space. “But I still like what I see.”

Jason looked away. He hated this, having this conversation in these clothes. He thought longingly of his skirt, how good he felt in it, how powerful and sexy. He wished he had it on now.

“How about this?” Levi finally asked. “How long is your sister in town?”

“Just this weekend. She’s heading back to school Sunday morning.”

“When are you free?”

Jason gave it some thought. He would want some privacy to have a breakdown afterwards, because he was sure that was where this would end up. His roommate had classes and work on Wednesdays.

“Wednesday.”

“Okay,” Levi said. “I want to take you to meet someone. Can you meet up with me here on Wednesday? Around three?”

No no no no no.

“Sure,” Jason said.

 

Levi had given Jason every single out possible, didn’t press for his number again, didn’t ask to pick him up where he lived, didn’t even know his real name. Jason had every opportunity to ditch him for their Wednesday afternoon get-together.

He still showed up. He had fretted for hours about putting on make-up and dressing in his skirt, but in the end, had wimped out and dressed in a pair of jeans and a large hoodie that had a deep hood to hide his face if he wanted. He left his long hair down as his only concession. He was relieved to see Levi waiting for him outside the restaurant, also in jeans and a black button down with the sleeves rolled up. Levi looked effortlessly cool, and Jason felt an odd mix of admiration and jealousy. He wished he had dressed up a little bit more after all. He thought longingly of his skirt, tucked safely away at home.

“Hey gorgeous,” Levi greeted him. Levi didn’t lean in for a kiss, didn’t even attempt it, and Jason tamped down on the disappointment by remembering the night at the restaurant, Levi leaning forward to slide his tie through his fingers.

“So where are we going?” Jason asked as Levi started down the street. Levi reached out to grab his hand and Jason couldn’t help the small, relieved smile at the warm touch.

“I want you to meet my sister,” Levi responded. Jason, who was fully expecting to end up going to Levi’s place, felt another mix of relief and apprehension.

“Why?”

Levi glanced at him. “A few reasons. One, she is very important to me, and anyone I date will meet her sooner or later, and I prefer sooner. Second, I think you’ll like her. Third, she can tell you some stuff about me that you might want to know so that you don’t look terrified every time I look at you.”

“I’m not scared of you,” Jason protested.

“I know you’re not scared of me,” Levi said. He led them to a car that Jason recognized from following it to the mini golf course. Jason forced himself not to the slam the door shut once he was seated and focused on buckling his seatbelt. Levi started the car and eased out onto the street.

“So where does your sister live?” Jason asked.

“Rachel,” Levi told him. “And not far. She goes to school here.”

“What’s her major?” Jason asked, wondering if she was in some of his classes.

“Fashion design, I think.” Levi drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “I’m kind of fucking up this date so far.”

“No you’re not,” Jason said. “You just had bad judgment in being attracted to one hell of a mess.”

Levi smiled a little but kept his eyes on the road. “So, I wanted to tell you a few things. First is, I’m pansexual. Do you know what that means?”

Jason shook his head, then realized that Levi wouldn’t see him if he was watching the road. “No.”

“For me, when I’m attracted to someone, sex or gender doesn’t really matter. Man, woman, trans, nonbinary, whatever, it doesn’t matter. If I like you, then I like you. And I happen to really like the hell of a mess sitting next to me right now.”

Jason looked down at his hands and fisted them in his lap so he wouldn’t pick at his cuticles. “What else?”

“Well, I was hoping you would tell me a little bit more about yourself.”

Jason felt his stomach contract again, expecting questions about why he wore skirts or makeup. “Like?”

“What is your major?”

Jason felt himself relax slightly. Small talk. Safe territory.

           

The small talk soothed Jason’s nerves until Levi parked in front of an apartment complex in one of the nicer neighborhoods within driving distance to campus.

The woman who answered the door was young, attractive, and friendly. She had the same dark, intense eyes and sable hair as Levi, and wore a pair of jeans and a clingy red sweater.

“Big brother!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Levi’s neck. Levi hugged her back, lifting her off her feet a little bit. She smiled as he sat her back down and she turned to look at Jason curiously.

“Hi,” she said, holding out a hand. Jason took it, small and cold in his own.

“Jay, this is Rachel, my sister. Rachel, this is Jay. He’s a… friend that is… special to me.” He sounded uncertain for the first time. It warmed Jason slightly, to know someone was nervous besides him.

“Okay,” Rachel said without missing a beat. “Nice to meet you, Jay. Please come on in.”

Rachel’s apartment was small, but nicely decorated. He could see a kitchen with cheerful red appliances, and beyond that, a living room, dominated by a plush sectional couch set up in front of a large television mounted on the wall. There were pictures everywhere, some of Rachel, some of Levi, some of them together and some of people he didn’t know. They were all artistically shot and posed, no cell phone selfies.

“I like your pictures,” he said.

“Thanks! I took them.”

“You’re very talented.”

She sat on the sectional and patted the cushion next to her. “Have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Um… no, I’m good.” He sat down gingerly, leaving a healthy buffer of space.

“I was hoping that you could tell Jay about your journey,” Levi said. “And answer some questions.”

“Of course. But while I do, can you please go and get us a coffee?” Rachel asked, glancing up at him. “And walk slowly, dear. Very, very slowly.”

Levi chuckled. “I can take a hint, sis.” He pressed a chaste kiss into her hair and stepped away. “I’ll go for a drive and see if I can find a good enough coffee for my two favorite people. Why don’t you give me a call when you are ready for it?”

“Sounds good.” Rachel agreed, with a nod of her head. Levi waved at Jason and then disappeared through the doorway. Rachel watched him go, then turned back to Jason with a smile.

“So… Levi thinks that you may have some questions for me?”

“Um… yes.” Jason felt uncertain and prayed that he wouldn’t start stuttering, something he used to do when he was nervous as a child. He had mostly grown out of it, but it still tended to creep up at inconvenient times. “Um… Levi told me, that you are trans?”

Rachel nodded, although her smile faded a little. “Yes, I am.”

“What—What does that mean?” Jason asked. “I–I mean, I know w-what it is, but–”

“Hey, relax,” Rachel said. “It’s okay. I mean, I wish Levi wouldn’t tell people without asking me, but it’s okay. Well, growing up was… complicated. But to simplify, I always liked stereotypical ‘girl’ things. I loved to dress up as princesses, play with Barbie dolls and my Little Ponies. I knew I was boy, but I liked going to my girl friends’ houses to play with their toys. I would look at Levi and know that I would look like him as I grew up and it would make me cry. My parents took me to a couple doctors, worried that I was depressed and one of them brought up gender dysphoria.”

Rachel shrugged. “It was hard, but after a lot of discussion and quite a few tantrums, my parents decided to let me start wearing dresses and skirts and grow my hair out. We changed my name to Rachel. When I started puberty, I had to see a specialist in order to take hormones that would block testosterone. I started taking estrogen a few years later, when I was old enough.”

“So… you never had surgery?”

“If you are asking about sexual reassignment surgery, then no. I had a tracheal shave to reduce the size and prominence of my Adam’s apple, and I had facial feminization surgery… my chin and jaw reshaped to look more feminine, along with a rhinoplasty and cheek augmentation.”

Jason opened his mouth to ask another question, then colored slightly and shut his mouth.

“Go ahead,” Rachel offered.

“It’s too personal.”

“Go ahead and ask if you want. It’s not like you’re a stranger on the street and I’ll tell you if it’s a question I don’t want to answer.”

“So you didn’t have your boobs…”

“No, I haven’t gotten a breast augmentation. I’ve been thinking about it and saving up some money, but I wanted to look more feminine in my face before I started changing my body.”

“So, that is just from hormones?” Jason asked, gesturing to Rachel’s chest. She glanced down as well and smiled. “Well, no. My boobs are still pretty small, so I need a little help in that department. There are some prosthetic bras, but those are a little pricey, so I just use a regular bra with an insert. I can show you some good places to look, if you want.”

Jason gaped at her. She had a nice feminine figure, the kind that he envied. He would never be able to look like that. Clearing his throat, he shifted nervously. “So—I mean, do you date?”

Rachel nodded. “I have a boyfriend. I was really nervous at first, but he has been very understanding. So has Levi. You don’t need to worry about him.”

“I’m not, I just—” Jason shook his head and shifted away. “I think he thinks that I’m like you. But I’m not. I don’t want to lead him on.”

“Lead him on? How?”

“When… The first time we met, I was dressed up in—in my sister’s clothes.” Even now, the memory burned him with shame. He found he couldn’t look Rachel in the eye. “But I don’t feel like I’m a girl. At least, not all the time. Sometimes I like dressing like a girl and doing the kind of stuff that you do. But not all the time. And… I don’t know. It’s confusing.”

“It was confusing for me too. Gender is a complicated concept. Can I ask you some questions?”

“Okay.”

“How do you feel about your assigned gender? You were assigned male at birth.”

Jason looked down. His nervous fingers had been picking at his cuticles and now they were bleeding. He thought about washing them, then polishing his nails. Things he had held back all this time, but the desire never went away.

“Weird,” he finally admitted. “It’s like it’s never one hundred percent right. Like I’m both or in between or something.”

Rachel tilted her head.

“So if you could live the rest of your life as a female, would you?”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s like—I like it some of the time. And during those times, I kinda wish I was a girl, you know, that I had the boobs and the higher voice and all that. But then there are other times that I am perfectly happy being a guy.” He shook his head. “God, no wonder I am so confused. I don’t know what I want. I guess I just want everything.”

“When you dress up as a girl, or if you fantasize about being a girl, does it make you feel good? Feel happy?”

Jason nodded. “That’s why I started to go to the clubs. I would dress up, make up my face and live for a few hours as a woman. It was… nice. It felt good. But… I think a reason that I liked it so much was the knowledge that when I went home, I could take it all off and be a guy again. It’s almost… it’s almost like a costume. I like to wear the girl costume sometimes, and sometimes I like to wear the boy costume. But I don’t want to wear just one of them all the time.” He laughed against the tears welling up, the bitterness tearing at his throat. “I’m either selfish or crazy, I can’t figure out which. But I never wanted to hurt Levi. I hate that I did this to him.”

“You didn’t do anything to him,” Rachel said. “Listen to me. You’re exploring your identity and that is fine. And I don’t think you meant to hurt him. He met you when you were already in your female persona right?”

Jason nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak.

“And you didn’t deliberately lead him on with the intention of betraying him, did you?”

Jason shook his head. “No, I swear to God, I never meant for it to go as far as it did, I just—”

“Okay, then don’t worry about Levi.” Rachel turned and pulled a box of tissues from a table and handed it to Jason. “I know this is hard to talk about. But I agree, I don’t think you are transgender, or at least, not in the same way I am. But it does sounds like you are genderqueer—genderfluid or nonbinary maybe.”

Jason blinked at the handful of unfamiliar terms. “Genderwhat?”

“Genderqueer. It’s kind of an umbrella term for all types of gender identity that falls outside the gender binary. Other than ‘just man’ or ‘just woman’.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Jason complained. “I have to be one or the other.”

“Or you could be both, or neither. Don’t confuse gender with sex. Sex is male or female or intersex. Gender is much more complex. My sex is male, but my gender is female. Your sex is male but your gender could be male or female or neither. Or both.”

“And what did you call it?”

“Genderfluid or nonbinary.”

“And the difference?”

“I’m not an expert, but this is what I’ve heard from some friends of mine. Genderfluid is where your gender exists on a spectrum. So you have maleness on one end and femaleness on the other end and genderfluid can be anywhere in between. Nonbinary usually means that you don’t identify as exclusively male or female. It sometimes works with the understanding that there are more than two gender identities… not male or female, but something that exists outside of that.”

“Well, then, which one am I?”

“I can’t tell you what you are. That’s something only you know. It’s something you need to figure out,” Rachel gave him a sympathetic look and patted him awkwardly on the knee. “Labels aren’t always helpful. I like having a name to put to what I went through, but that isn’t for everyone. I think it would be a good idea if you talked to counselor or find a therapist familiar with gender issues. I can recommend a couple who are really good. You can come to our LGBTQ meetings if you want and talk to some of the people here. I think that would really help. And Jay?”

He glanced up, eyes red-rimmed from blinking back tears.

“You should talk to Levi. He’s been incredibly supportive of me and I think he’ll be the same for you.” She glanced her watch. “Speaking of which, I’m about ready for that coffee. How about you?”

Jason nodded.

 

Jason sat and drank his coffee calmly as he watched Rachel and Levi chat and catch up. He could see the resemblance. They both moved with an easy confidence, had similar smiles and body language. Rachel made sure to enter her phone number in Jason’s phone and gave him a perfume infused hug before he left. His head was spinning, but he felt lighter than ever as he walked with Levi back to the car.

“I like your sister,” Jason said as he got into the passenger seat of the car. “She’s beautiful.”

“I think so too, but I’m biased,” Levi said, settling into the driver’s seat and turning on the ignition. He leaned over to brace his arm on the passenger seat as he turned to back the car out and Jason couldn’t help but shiver a little bit at the close proximity.

“I’m glad you brought me here. She gave me a lot to think about.”

Levi glanced at him before returning his attention to the road.

“What do you want to do now?”

Jason shrugged.

Levi was silent for a minute. Then, there was a light, warm touch of his hand on Jason’s knee, then the hand traveled up his thigh slightly, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Do you want to go back to the dorms?”

Jason swallowed hard, then put his hand over Levi’s guiding it higher up his leg.

“No.”

 

Levi took him back to what Jay assumed was his apartment. It was clean and spacious from what little he could see before Levi had him up against the wall, kissing him hungrily. Jay responded in kind. His mind may still be a confusing tangle, but his body knew what it wanted, and it wanted Levi.

All his previous romantic encounters with Levi had been tinged with fear, and later shame, but none of that existed now, just pure passion. The freedom from that was intoxicating, to kiss Levi without worrying about the erection growing behind his zipper, to let Levi kissed his neck without worrying about his Adam’s apple and to press up against him without worrying about the flatness of his chest. That intoxication flared and lasted, from kissing, to the shy undressing, the thrill of Levi touching him, to the thundering climax in his bed.

Much later, while they lay together enjoying the afterglow, Levi disentangled himself from the sheets and disappeared into a closet. Jay was too blissfully satisfied to follow him, but did rearrange the sheets to cover his nudity. He hadn’t minded when his erection was in Levi’s hand or mouth, but right now he didn’t want to see that part of himself.

Levi returned with an oversized shirt that he draped over Jay’s shoulders and buttoned up the front. It wasn’t large enough to be considered a dress, just skimming the top of Jay’s thighs, but it felt similar and made Jay lean forward and kiss Levi. For appreciation. For knowing and understanding and caring about his hot mess of a partner.

“Can I tell you something?” Levi asked, resting his head on his arm.

Jay looked down at him. “Please.”

“I really liked the skirt that you wore on our second date. The green one.”

Date. It sent the same warm flare in him as the word ‘skirt’.

“Yeah?” Jay asked, unable to keep the amused, flirty tone at bay.

“Yeah,” Levi affirmed, sliding a hand around the back to Jay’s thigh, running up to barely graze the curve of his ass. “I was thinking about it the entire night. Wondering what you looked like under it. Fantasizing about pushing it up around your waist while I fucked you on the hood of my car.”

Feeling bold at last, Jay moved to straddle his lover and bent to kiss him again.

“I think I can make that happen.”

 

* * *

             

Jay pulled his bottom lip nervously between his teeth as he studied his reflection. The black heels, hose and short skirt were his, as was the red blouse with the plunging neckline, but the bra was one of the special ones with the built in fillers that Rachel had let him borrow. It was the only thing that he wasn’t sure about. It was uncomfortable but looked really good under the blouse.

He picked up a tube of lipstick. All his other makeup was done. He wanted the lipstick on, but what if Levi wanted to kiss him? He put the tube of lipstick back down when he heard the knock on the door and turned to open it.

Rachel came into the bathroom. They were in her apartment, getting ready for a double date with Levi and Sean, Rachel’s boyfriend.

“The boys are both here. Are you ready?”

Jay explained his predicament. “I want to wear this lipstick,” he explained, holding up the tube. “But I want to be able to kiss Levi too.”

Rachel took the lipstick and studied it. “Well, it will come off if you kiss. I don’t mind, I like to mark my territory. But if you want to wear something better for kissing, try some of the tinted lip gloss you bought the other day.” She dug through his makeup bag—a real one, no more Ziplocks—and pulled out a similar shade.

Jay applied it carefully, the way she had taught him. He had learned plenty from her during the past month of him and Levi dating. He didn’t want to change his pronouns, like she had suggested, or even apply a label to himself. He was just a guy who liked dresses and makeup, liked his boyfriend and his new name, which he was now using regularly.

But Rachel helped him find clothes that suited him, showed him hairstyles and shoes that would complement him and even took him to Ulta and stretched his meager college budget to get him a selection of make-up that matched his coloring or preferences and showed him the best way to apply it.

He had taken it all in, stunned at the influx of information. How had Stacey done all this, so well, for so many years?

There was another strident knock at the door and Levi stood on the other side. Jay beamed at him, secretly loving the way that Levi’s gaze grew hot as it slid over his body. It was his first public outing in full female clothing. He had tried a few daringly feminine pieces of clothing while out on a date with Levi, and had dressed up for him in private, including the infamous green skirt. Their sex was always incredible, but when he was wearing the skirt, Jay felt more sexy, confident and playful and it showed in their lovemaking.

But this was the first time going out, with a skirt and make up. He liked it, felt pretty and powerful and sexy. But having Rachel and two men who didn’t take any shit about their LGBTQ dates, helped quell the nervousness.

“Hey.” Levi stepped inside and gave Jay a kiss. “You look great.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t you and Sean feel lucky, having the prettiest dates in town?” Rachel teased.

Levi was watching him when he answered. “I think we are blessed in every way.”

Jay reached out to take his hand.

“Me too.”

               

End