The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 46. Chapter 46
- Yeah....so I talked to my dad today. I wasn't really thrilled about it at first, but something about hearing his voice...I dunno...
It kinda hurt a little bit, to be honest. Does that make sense? I think I could actually feel a bit of the sting of him leaving us all over again, as if for the first time. I didn't have much to say...but it's getting harder and harder to a remember a time when we were all a happy family under the same roof. And while that bothered and angered me before...all I felt today was...sorrow. And I hated it. I hated being vulnerable to an emotion that would make me feel this ill inside. I'd much rather block it out, along with everything else.
There are no more rewards for the guy who's good of heart. Just booby traps and pitfalls. And I'm soooo tired of the pain.
It wasn't a long conversation, but I felt the magnitude of it just the same. He said, "Billy...you know, the Summer isn't that far away. And I know that we have had our issues over the last few months...but just the same, I'd like to see you a bit more before the big move. Do you think that we can do that?"
I didn't want to say yes. I didn't want to say no either. I just wanted to get rid of this weakness in my guts. I said, "I don't know. I've been...kinda busy lately with...stuff." The truth was, I wasn't looking forward to exposing myself to that vulnerability any longer. If he wanted to go, let him go. It's only gonna hurt more if I try to get reconnected to him now.
He said, "Billy....please. I think we need to talk. Don't ever get it in your head that I stopped caring about you. Or your mom. Your my son, and I love you. Ok?"
I said, "Yeah. Sure. I know." But I don't think he believed me.
He's like, "Billy? I know you've been avoiding me. You can do better that. Now come on, talk to me."
I said, "Actually, you know what? I've really gotta run. I'm meeting up with some friends in the park, and I'm already, like, fifteen minutes late. But I'll talk to you soon, ok? Promise." Anything to end that conversation and get away from him. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to care.
He said, "I love you, kid. Ok?"
I'm like, "Love you too, Dad." And I hesitated for a moment before hanging up the phone. I don't know...maybe I can go see him or something some time soon. Just to get him off my back. We haven't....'talked' in a while.
Sighhh....it's so stupid for me to feel this way. I mean, if I go over there...will she be there? If so, I'd rather stay home. I think that I should make that a very clear condition of us spending time together. I don't want to see her face anywhere near me. Period.
If he can promise that....then I'll consider it. If not, then forget it. He wanted a new life...why hold on to a piece of his old one?
I didn't get any kind of message or anything back from Trace today. I know he's got to be aware of the fact that I called. So he's got to be purposely ignoring me at this point. Not that he wasn't doing that before. I'm not saying that I care, I'm just....I WISH that he'd at least tell me what I did wrong. I mean, we were really getting to be good friends. I felt really close to him. To Mikey too. We were practically snuggling and kissing on his roof not long ago! Now he won't even talk to me? Maybe I was a bit too 'faggy' to remain friends with. Or maybe Simon warned him off or something. Which would be a totally heartless thing for him to do. But whatever. If he's going to the kind of person who would just discard our friendship like that, then maybe I didn't need Trace in the first place.
Still....I wish I knew what I did wrong....
Ugh! No matter WHAT I do to avoid it...the'hurt sneaks its way in to my heart anyway. I'd much rather just scream 'fuck the world' and be done with it. The rest is for the birds.
I thought about calling Sam today too. There's a small part of me that misses him. I was wondering if...maybe we had reached that part of our conflict where we just get together again and forget that anything ever happened. We've done it a dozen times before. Why would this be any different, you know?
But...for some reason...I was afraid to. At least I was today. Maybe I'll try tomorrow or something, but I just wasn't in the mood to deal with him hanging up in my face. If indeed that was going to be his reaction. Who can tell. Sam can be really fickle sometimes.
Someone I did hear from today though was Ian. He wrote me a short email to say hi. He also had some ideas that he was kicking around for this movie of his that he wants to shoot this Summer. He's so passionate about what he loves. It made me smile just to see him talk about it, you know? It's just cute. Anyway, I haven't answered him yet, but I don't plan to be rude to him. Bobby can't say that I was 'chasing after him' this time. Ian wrote to me. And it was probably because Bobby refused to talk to him in the first place. Just goes to show...if your favorite boy's not talking to you...he's probably talking to somebody else. He can blame himself for that one.
Speaking of which...hehehe, I went to Randall's tonight. His brother's were both out partying somewhere, and that meant that the whole house, basement and big screen TV, was all ours for the evening. It didn't quite turn out the way I was hoping it would...but give me time, I'm working on it.
Randall is one of those boys that you would consider one of those really clean and spiffy gays. Hehehe, that's the only way I could really describe him. Just neatly dressed with perfect hair, always looking like they just stepped out of the shower ten minutes ago. He was always cute. Not really someone that I would have pursued normally, but I've been making a lot of exceptions to my own rules lately. He had some fruit snacks ready when I got there. Hehehe, I don't think anyone has ever offered me fruit before. I don't know why I thought that was weird, but those cold apple slices were pretty damn tasty. Something like that just might help me to break my junk food habit.
Ah, who am I fooling? No it won't.
Anyway, Randall asked me if I wanted to go out and do something tonight instead of just sitting around the house, but I was like, "Nah. We can just stay here. We can get to know each other." I kept thinking that if I knew Randall's personality a bit better, I could have at least talked him into making out by now.
Randall kept dodging my compliments. He practically squirmed like an ant under a magnifying glass whenever I told him he was cute. Plus, I noticed that he put a pillow in his lap at one point, and I thought...'I've gotta really turn up the heat now, while I've got him on the ropes.' Come ON!!! Get naked already!
So, I get impatient, and I get up to sit right next to Randall on the couch. I mean, I'm so close that I could practically just lean over and suck on his neck. Hehehe! And he leans away from me, like, "Billy? What are you doing?"
So I put a hand on his leg, trying to make some sort of intimate contact that he'll respond to. And I say, "Nothing. Why? I just thought it looked more cozy over here next to you."
He's like, "Cozy? Is that what this is? Hehehe!" I see him blush a little bit, so I lean forward a bit to see if I can start by kissing him on the cheek, but he leans away again. Ugh! I felt so TEASED by him at that moment! I think that turned me on even more.
He puts his hand out to keep me from kissing him, and I'm like, "Hehehe, what? What's the matter?"
Randall's all like, "What are you doing? You're being naughty tonight."
I said, "But you're still smiling though. Maybe you likeit when I'm being naughty." We both giggled a bit, but he still seemed nervous. So I rubbed his thigh a bit, and then started gently moving my hand up towards the rapidly growing tent in his pants.
But Randall pushed my hand away, and even though he was still grinning and blushing a bit, he looked me in the eye and wrinkled his forehead a bit. "Billy...what did you think was going to happen tonight when you came over here?"
I said, "I dunno. Fun stuff." I moved my hand back to where it was, and Randall actually let it linger for a moment before weakly brushing it away again.
He said, "What about you and Lee?"
I'm like, "What about us?"
He's like, "Well...I thought you two were kinda...working to patch things up between you."
I told him, "There was nothing to patch up. Lee and I...we're fine."
Randall said, "Then what are we doing here? What is this?" I smiled at him, and I leaned forward to kiss him gently on the lips. And he let me do it. He actually enjoyed it. I could almost feel a bit of a tremble in his chest as a long winded escaped his lips. He had to shake off the trance of it all, and he said, "Billy...I don't know about this. I mean, Lee is my friend."
I'm like, "I know. He doesn't have to hear about this. It's ok. I won't say a word, I promise."
But Randall's like, "Yeah, well....I'll know. Ok? I man, I think you're really cute, Billy...and under different circumstances, this would all be really REALLY hot. But like I said...Lee is my friend. I don't feel right about this."
I'm like, "Didn't you tell me that you and Lee had a few good times together recently, just the two of you?"
He said, "Yes, but that was different, Billy. We weren't dating. That was just fooling around."
I'm like, "So is this." And before he could hesitate again, I leaned in for a much deeper kiss this time. And for about thirty seconds, he allowed me to get our tongues involved. Then he pushed me away again.
He says to me, "Billy? Listen...this is all a bit much for me ok? If....if you're going to do this, you're going to have to talk to Lee first and let him know how you feel."
I'm like, "What?"
And he's like, "If you're going to have an 'open' relationship with Lee, then you need to tell him so. Because I don't think he's just 'fooling around' with you, Billy. I think he actually likes you. And if you're gonna break his heart, I'm not going to let you make me a part of it." He seemed firm on his stance, but as I got quiet for a moment or two, he weakened a little bit in his tone of voice. Like, "Ok? Just...I think you should talk to him. So he knows what's going on."
I'm like, "Alright. Fine. But if I talk to him....does that mean you'll get naked for me? Hehehe!"
And Randall blushed even harder than before. "Don't do that! Hehehe! You're....I'm not...let's just watch TV, ok?"
I said, "Can I keep my hand on your thigh?"
He's like, "NO! Go sit back over there where you were and be good."
And so far, that's as far as I've gotten with Randall. But like I said, I'm working on it. I was especially horny after the good time I had with Lee last night. So Randall's teasing made me ten times worse. But I'll think of a plan to get him naked eventually. He messed up by letting me know he was interested! Hehehe! Now, it's only a matter of time.
Anyway, I've gotta get some sleep. I can't believe that I've got so few pages left in this book. Sighhh...Brandon's birthday present to me, and it's almost all used up. I guess I just talk too much. Just think, there was a time when I didn't even keep a journal. And now I can't seem to sleep without writing every detail of my day down in it.
Every time I look at the cover of this book, I think about the night he gave it to me...and what a jerk I was to him when I should have been thankful that he at least wanted me as a friend. It made me go in my closet and pull out the teddy bear he gave me to go with it. A 'Billy Bear', he called it. Holding a big red heart with 'Billy Chase' stitched into it.
I miss my Brandon.
But as much as I want his sweetness and his bashful smile back in my life...it brings that same pain and frustration with it that I had before. Those vulnerable feelings that I'm just now learning to live without.
If only I could have Brandon without the suffering. If only I could experience the pleasant side of the coin without always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm better off without the attachment. It only hurts in the end.
But for what it's worth, Brandon...thanks. It was an awesome gift. The best gift ever.
And it'll last me forever.
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