The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 28. Chapter 28

Tuesday

- It's funny how certain patterns can emerge from events that seem totally random sometimes. And how that pattern can just...make you feel like a crummy person inside in the long run.

It should have been a good day, but something about what I did just makes me feel bad. I don't like feeling bad. Not if I can help it. Believe it or not, the 'bad' part of my day started off with a random comment from Jamie Cross. Heh...I believe that's the first time I've EVER associated the name Jamie Cross with anything bad! But...yeah, as I retrace my steps I think that's where it started.

I kinda bumped into Jamie and Joanna by mistake as I was getting a late pass from the main office. The bus just had issues this morning or whatever. You know, it's still weird seeing them together. My so-called 'Ex-girlfriend' and the former love obsession of my life. Not to mention the girl that broke my best friend's heart. I guess it's a mixed bag of emotions involved with those two, you know? Although, sometimes I wonder...if I kissed Joanna's lips before, and she's kissing Jamie now...does that mean that I'm technically making out with Jamie Cross by some kind of transference? Hehehe, whoah...hot! I wonder where else her lips have been....

Anyway, so Joanna said hello. Jamie said hello. They're still arm in arm after all this time, so I'm assuming they're really happy together. I wonder if Jamie knows how bad she is at giving blowjobs? Hehehe! Sam never should have told me that! I guess they were late to class too, and I said, "I'm really in no hurry to go to class anyway. I wish I could have skipped first period altogether. I could have come up with a reasonable excuse if all of these other kids weren't coming in at the same time with the same excuse. Now I kinda have to follow the herd."

It was small talk, but at least it was easier than it used to be. Jamie is far enough out of my reach where it doesn't turn me into a big bowl of nervous jitters just being close enough to smell his beautiful scent. But then he said something that kinda bugged me a little bit. He was like, "Hey, I saw Stevie yesterday while I was driving. I honked the horn, but I don't think he paid any attention. You'll have to say hello for me when you see him."

Arrgh! I am NOT with Stevie!!! PLEASE don't link me up with that weasel!!! Nothing sucks more than having someone I want soooo badly associate me with someone that I should have pushed into oncoming traffic months ago.

I'm like, "I don't...Stevie and I don't really talk that much."

He's like, "You don't? Oh no, dude, what happened?"

I saw Joanna kinda nudge Jamie in the side, as if to tell him not to ask, but she certainly wasn't helping things any. I'm like, "No...dude, we never talked that much. Like....like, ever. EVER."

Jamie gave me a weird look. I think he was still a bit confused. Like he was more convinced by what he thought before than what I was telling him. Either way, I think it's safe to say that Jamie is well aware of the fact that I like boys now. And you wanna know something? I'm kinda glad that he knows. I mean, this isn't really how I pictured it happening...but...I don't know...he seems cool with it. Funny, I spent years drooling over that boy, waiting for the day that he told me he was gay too, and that he's always loved me. And now that he knows, I can't help but to feel somewhat cheated. It certainly was an anti-climatic revelation, wasn't it?

Would have been much cooler if I could have told him while licking his balls for him! Hehehe! Bad Billy! I'm being naughty again. Sorry.

Anyway...even though that was really random and hardly seems connected to anything else...that one comment stayed with me all day. The idea that Jamie had just somehow 'assumed' that Stevie and I were together. And Jamie's comment was one of the many thoughts to cross my mind when I overheard two boys talking by the lockers shortly after lunch. That was a part of me...um...feeling like crap tonight.

Just listening to them was a disgusting experience. But while I should've been angry...all I could feel was...fear. Maybe even shame. And I hated it.

They saw Stevie at one of the drinking fountains at the other end of the hall. He wasn't bothering anybody. And even though he has an emo look about him with the skinny jeans and all black attire, he was hardly 'over the top' with it. It's not like he was covered in piercings or drowning in hair gel and make up. He wore a few bracelets on each wrist, but that was about it. Still, you would think he had a giant rainbow flag draped over his shoulders the way the other boys singled him out.

One of them said, "Dude is a total fag. Just LOOK at him! I know he is. That shit is disgusting, man."

And the other one was like, "I'll bet he's the one taking it in the ass too. I'll just bet he's the 'girl'. He's like a fag's fag. Hehehe!"

Then I actually heard one of them say, "Dude...I should just walk over there, and smack the living SHIT out of him! Just to see if he'll cry!" And they laughed about it! Laughed! Like this kind of psycho behavior was fucking funny!

And yet...when I thought about how they were talking behind Stevie's back...actually planning some form of violence against him...I got scared. I thought about Jamie Cross thinking that I was Stevie's boyfriend just for standing up for him that ONE time...and wondered if I'd be inviting assholes like this to pounce on me too without warning. What if the bullying spread? What would people say about me when my back was turned? I mean...I could have said something...

I probably should have said something.

But...for Stevie? I mean....he was sooooo 'appreciative' of my help the last time. Not to mention the lies he's told about me, and the fact that he's swapping spit with the boy I love. Should I even be feeling any sympathy for him at this point? It doesn't seem like it. And yet...it's still there. Like a big splinter in my backside. Sometimes I think my heart is too big for its own good.

Things got worse later on when I saw Jimmy and Bobby walking together down the hall about an hour later. I have to admit, it was a bit of a strange sight to see. Hehehe, I have probably gone my whole academic career without seeing those two together at the same time. They barely knew who each other were. And yet, we hang out at the mall for one afternoon, and they're walking and talking like a couple of old war buddies.

The strange thing was, Bobby seemed to have...um...loosened up a LOT. I mean, for someone who was so bashful and secretive and difficult to talk to before, he has certainly settled into a new way of thinking all of a sudden. And it was more than just his conversation. His mannerisms kinda changed a little bit. It was a slight change, but one that I noticed. It wasn't really....'girly' or anything, but it was definitely more relaxed than what I remembered. I don't know, maybe he was just a bit more in touch with his feminine side today. Either that or I'm making it all up in my head again. But Bobby was always one of those boys who didn't really seem gay at all before. Today...I wasn't so sure.

Anyway, Jimmy told me, "Bobby and I were talking about you. Hehehe!" Bobby gave him a shove, but they both giggled about it anyway. I asked them what the heck was going on, and Jimmy was like, "Well, Bobby was telling me about how you guys kinda 'met'. About some kids picking on him in the gym locker room, and you stepping in to save the day like you always do. Hehehe!"

Bobby added, "And Jimmy said that you have been doing stuff like that since Junior High. He said you always stuck up for him too. We just think it's...it's sweet. Hehehe! That's all." Bobby smiled, and I think they both kinda blushed for a moment. But it only made me feel a hundred times worse about the 'Stevie' situation. It just goes to show that I turned my back when I really needed to stand strong. That's not like me at all. Even when it comes to...him. Anyway, Bobby was like, "I've gotta run. I want to see Ian before his next class. Awwww, I want you guys to meet him. He's the coolest."

Bobby made this 'sissy' type gesture when he said it. Like I said, nothing totally out of character, but...noticeable, you know? And even though I felt bad about the Stevie thing, Jamie Cross' assumption about me stayed in the back of my mind. I was suddenly so 'aware' of the fact that I was standing in a hallway full of kids with Jimmy LaPlane (Who's openly gay) and Bobby Jinette (Who was being a little bit more 'gay' than normal today)...and there I was...a part of their group. After all the pushing and preaching that I did to get Bobby to open up and accept who he is, does that make me a total hypocrite?

I mean, being out to the few people I know and trust is one thing. But being figured out by people who might not understand or who may even try to hurt me...that's hardly the same thing. It made me uncomfortable, and I made up an excuse to kinda put distance between me and them. But I felt really bad about that. I still feel really bad about that.

I think that I just need some time to figure out what side of the line I want to stand on. I mean...am I ok with who I am, or am I ashamed? It's easy to manipulate my own thoughts and twist them around to make myself believe that it doesn't matter and that I'm comfortable with being gay...but when it comes right down to it...is that really true? Or is it a tiny little two-faced lie that I tell myself to make things easier to deal with? Some helpful role model I turned out to be, huh? The bad thing is, I don't even know why I'm so scared...but I am.

Very, very, scared.

Anyway...I just want to stop writing and think for a while. I'm in a spacey mood tonight. I'll write more tomorrow.

Later

- Billy