The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 32. Chapter 32

Saturday

- I talked to my dad tonight.

It was a truly bizarre experience this time around. Awkward was hardly the word for it.

I mean, I was thinking of calling him anyway, but my mom reminded me regardless. She always gets this...'restricted' look on her face when she talks about him. I know she thinks that I don't notice, but I totally do. Every single time. It's like...in the back of her mind she's calling him a family deserting bastard...but she doesn't want me to hear it. Like she's trying to hold in a belch or something. It's just plain weird.

When I called his house and that 'lady' answered the phone...I hesitated for a moment. I don't know why I thought she wouldn't recognize my voice, but her feelings didn't matter to me much anyway. I was like, "Can I speak to Martin Chase, please?" Calling my dad by his name always felt so strange to me. I don't like doing it. It's weird.

She handed the phone over and we had a very short conversation. The most important part of it was 'hello' and the part where he asked me how school was. It would have been the kind of shallow conversation we would have had at the dinner table night after night. Not the kind that should take place after he had been gone for so long and we were speaking for the first time in weeks. I mean...it's hard to even remember a time when he was still here. When I'd hear him walking to the fridge in the middle of the night in his robe and slippers. Or when I'd hear him cheering for his favorite team while watching sports. It seems so distant now. Trace was right about me adjusting to the absence. I just didn't think it would be so....easy.

There was a long pause at the end of the conversation, and I told him that I had to go. Actually, I just wanted the discomfort of that pseudo-talk to come to an end. I think he did too. Neither one of us mentioned the fact that he was leaving this Summer. I didn't want to bring it up. He didn't seem to want to bring it up either. So I guess it'll just stay buried under the surface for now until one of us cracks.

He said, "Maybe you can come over for dinner some time. We can catch up, you and me."

I was like, "Yeah. Sure. That would be cool." Vague invitation. Commitment-free answer.

And that was it. I still don't know how to feel about that, really. It's exhausting having to think about him sometimes. It just puts my thoughts and emotions into this long, drawn out, spiral of confusion...and I end up feeling worn out by the time I find my way out of the fog again. Whatever. I'll just deal with it. What other choice do I have?

Besides...that wasn't the most disturbing call of the day...

Well..can I call it 'disturbing' really? I don't think that's fair. Just...'unfortunate'. That works better, I think.

See...earlier today, I was feeling kinda lazy. I woke up thinking about Trace last night, and laying my head on his shoulder and all. I kept playing it over and over again in my head. Should I have gone for it? A part of me was thinking, 'No way, Billy. Trace was feeling down, and that was no time for you to be perving on him. You did the right thing.' But...there's another part of me that's like, 'Ugh! You idiot! That was the perfect opportunity and you missed it! Shields down! Fire away!' I mean...even SAM surrendered to the moment and kissed me at my birthday party when his emotions were in turmoil. What if that was as close as I was ever going to get to a 'perfect opportunity'? I wrestled with that a lot today.

Then...the phone rang. And for some really odd reason, I just knew that it was Brandon. I hadn't even been thinking about him, but whether it was something about the ring or the time of day or whatever...I 'knew' it was him. When we were together, we used to do that a lot. I couldn't count how many time we called or wrote to one another, and the first response was, 'Wow, I was JUST thinking about you!'.

Anyway, I took the phone in my room and I was kinda happy to hear his voice. Even though he seemed to be feeling a bit down today.

I didn't want to ask about it, whatever it was, but I had my guesses. Is that what I've become now? He has problems with Stevie, so now I've become his shoulder to lean on? The boy who's there to make him feel better so Stevie's constant demands and complaints are easier to take? I don't want to be an 'accomplice' in them being boyfriends. That's something that they should be able to do on their own. I have to admit, I was kind of insulted by the idea. I mean, he takes soooo much frustration from Stevie and sticks by him. But I made ONE mistake (albeit a big one), I apologize with tears in my eyes every chance I get and do all I can to let him know that I'll be a better man for him from now on, and he shoots me down. He tells me he can't trust me. He can't get over the hurt that I put him through. He says I broke his heart. At least I was trying to make things right. All Stevie does is worry about himself and his happiness. Why does he put up with it? I don't get it?

Even if Stevie was a total DYNAMO in the sex department, there's only so much frustration you can take before it's just not worth it anymore.

He just doesn't seem like the type of guy who would change his ways and suddenly start doing things to make Brandon happy. Not in the least. So...I figure I'll just let Brandon keep taking sucker punches from his boyfriend until he's fed up and leaves on his own. Sometimes, you just can't tell people what's good for them. You have to let them realize it for themselves.

Anyway, at one point, he was like, "You know...sometimes, it's like I'm talking to a completely different person."

I'm like, "Who? You mean me?"

He's like, "Yeah. Sometimes."

I said, "Is that a good thing, or...?"

He grinned, and he said, "Talking to you is never a bad thing, Billy. I just...I'm glad. That we can talk again, I mean. I know that we've...had some difficulties in the past. So..."

There was a silence that fell between us. I don't know if he ran out of things to say, or if he was waiting to see what I would say first. But that's when I felt it. You know...that...'it'. I don't know how to explain it. There's this...little psychic twinkle, this little buzz that comes over you, when that shared moment blooms out of thin air, and the emotion just fills you up, you know? Like the first time I ever struggled to tell Brandon that I liked him. That feeling. I got it all over again. And I could tell that it wasn't just me. For a second or two, I found myself listening to his steady breathing on the other side of the phone...and as my stomach began to flutter with butterflies, I forced myself to interrupt the hush.

I was like, "Yeah. Well...older and wiser, you know?"

Then he was like, "Yeah." And the silence returned. I didn't know what else to say. I just wanted to fill the void with something...'shallow'. Kinda like with me and my dad. I was searching for some verbal way to escape that feeling and get some distance between us again, when Brandon said, "Listen, this might sound weird, but do you want to get together later on tonight. My plans kinda fell through, and I thought I might catch a movie or something. Wanna join me? It's a vampire flick. I know how much you love those."

I said, "So help me, if you try to take me to see a 'Twilight' wedding, I'm gonna smash you over the head with something."

He was like, "Hehehe! No, no, nothing that bad. I promise. These are the old school killer vampire kind. Promise. No brooding teenagers except for you and me. What do you say?"

It almost seemed normal...but it wasn't. I knew that. I was feeling something for him again. Right there at that moment. It was unmistakable. I may be confused about a lot of things, but what I feel for Brandon is unique. And it's exclusive to ONLY him for some reason. I am REALLY infatuated with Trace, I felt really lucky to get a chance with Lee, and I was totally hot for Bobby...but Brandon has always been different. No matter how powerful my emotions were for the other boys, even for Sam...nobody has the ability to truly become a part of my heartthe way Brandon does. I know that nobody else may understand that. I know that I'm probably freakin' crazy for longing for something that I clearly can't have. But Brandon's the one. He's always been the one. Whether we're boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, near or far, craving each other's kiss or trying not to strangle each other with our bare hands...we're always going to be two halves of the same soul. Always.

And that means that spending time with him tonight is only going to end up being a mistake. I'm going to spend the whole night sitting there, wondering if I'm playing Stevie's substitute. A safety net. A security blanket. Something to soothe Brandon's heart and make Stevie jealous. I don't want that.

If someday, Brand and I decide to work things out, and there's no Trace and no Stevie involved...well, maybe there's hope. But I don't want it like this. Not like this.

I'm like, "You know...that would be awesome, but I can't go tonight. I'm sorry, k?"

He paused, and then he's like, "Well...maybe some other time? I mean we don't have to go to the movies or anything. I just miss hanging out with you, that's all. It's not a date."

I'm like, "I know. I just...you know, not tonight."

There was another pause. Then Brandon sighed, and he's like, "Stevie told you not to talk to me anymore, didn't he?"

My breath got caught in my throat, and I found myself stuck on what to say next. I lied, like, "Stevie? No...I just...I mean, Brandon...I just can't. Ok?"

He's like, "Why not?"

I said, "I don't think it's a good idea..."

So he's like, "Because he told you to stay away from me. Am I right? He's trying to manipulate every aspect of my life, and now he's trying to block me from even talking to you..."

I told him, "Dude, it's not like that..."

Then he says, "Tell me he didn't talk to you. Tell me the truth. Did he tell you stay away from me?" I was quiet at first. He could always tell when I was lying. He's like, "Billy, please? Don't lie to me. If he said something to you....I want to know."

I closed my eyes and breathed for a moment. Then I said, "Please don't put me in this position. Ok? Just...I don't want to be in the middle of this. I'm sorry. Alright?" There was silence. I'm like, "Brandon?"

He says, "I guess we shouldn't be talking then, huh? Maybe I should go."

I didn't want things to end like this. But, against my better judgement, I said, "Maybe I should go too."

We both sat quietly for a few seconds, and then Brandon just said, "Bye..." And he hung up the phone.

Did I do the right thing? Or am I screwing up again? Maybe he's right. Maybe I am becoming a different person. Because if Brandon had asked me to a movie a month ago, I would have run out into the streets screaming with joy. Now all I feel is regret and heartbreak. And it's so stupid. I'm being an idiot. MOST boys would be honored to have Brandon go out with them on a Saturday night. Why can't I appreciate the chance to be with him again. Even if just for a little while.

I think I need time to just...explore my options here. Because from this angle..they all look like crap.

Gotta go.

Later...

- Billy