The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 41. Chapter 41

Monday

- It's funny how you can wake up without any problems or disturbing thoughts and all...and then you get a ton of shit dumped on you throughout the day to just make things worse. I honestly don't even want to think about this stuff anymore. It's so stupid. I don't care. In two months, this school year will be over and I can enjoy my Summer without any of these leeches making me feel crappy day after day. I can't wait. I'm seriously sick of the whole lot of them. That's the truth.

Do you know that I went over to Sam's house this morning, and he was actually leaving without me. Just walking down the sidewalk by himself. MUCH earlier than usual. If I hadn't rushed over there to maybe get a little boy cream down my throat before school, I would have missed him entirely. I have to admit that I was majorly disappointed. I could almost TASTE him! And who wouldn't want to wake up to a hot blowjob from his best friend, you know?

Instead, I catch him running out on me, and I call his name out. He looks over his shoulder at me, but he doesn't say a word. He just keeps walking. I thought it was weird, so I ran to catch up to him. He didn't stop. He didn't even slow down. What the hell? I was almost out of breath when I caught him, and I'm like, "Dude, why'd you leave so early? I was coming to see you. It could have been fun." Sam rolled his eyes at me, and he wouldn't even look me in the face. I'm like, "What? What's wrong?"

He gave me the most disgusted look. He says, "Are you serious? Really? You know what, Billy? I think...I think you and I need to take a break. Maybe we should just...do our own thing for a while."

I wrinkled up my forehead a bit, like, "Take a break? Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?"

He says, "You know damn well what I'm talking about. I'm not feeling this at all. I don't even want to look at you right now."

It hurt. It really did. What the hell was his problem NOW??? I'm like, "Is this about yesterday? Why are you treating me like this? It's nothing all that different from what we were doing before."

He says, "It was WAY different from what we were doing before. You don't even get it, do you? Are you really that clueless?" He stopped walking and pointed his finger at my chest, "If you need a cum rag, go find somebody else. I'm not INTERESTED in being gay, Billy! Get it through your thick fucking head! I'm not like that!"

Which is totally backwards! I was seriously offended by him being such a hypocrite. I said, "You were into it when you were getting your DICK sucked! Or was that a momentary lapse of judgement? What? It's 'dirty' when I'm getting what I want, but when you're getting off, it's 'just sex'. Isn't that what you said? 'Just sex'?"

But Sam twists it all around, like, "That's what you don't understand, Billy! It wasn't about being gay before. It wasn't about being with another guy. It was about sharing something special with my BEST fucking friend in the world. It was about you. It was about us. It wasn't the sex, it was about feeling something for someone I cared about. And after what you did yesterday...you screwed that up. Probably forever. You didn't care about me. You didn't think about me at all. That sick thing that we did yesterday had NOTHING to do with us being close or intimate. It had nothing to do with us being friends either. You used me. You tossed away the emotional side of it and just made it about you. Well next time...jack it off and leave me the fuck alone. Because the way I feel right now...I just don't want to be around you anymore."

I was shocked. I JUST talked to him less than 24 hours ago...and now he doesn't want to be around me. I actually reached out to his shoulder and he told me not to touch him anymore. He was actually squeamish about it. I mean...was he being a giant homophobe now or what? What does he mean I tossed away the emotional part? WHAT emotional part? We were just fucking! He's straight! It's not like I was expecting him to buy me roses and take me to the prom. He used me to get an orgasm, I used him to get an orgasm? What changed? Did I not kiss him enough afterward? Is that what he's all miffed about?

There was a time when I wanted Sam to love me, but he didn't. There was a time when I wanted Lee to love me, and he didn't. There was a time when I wanted BRANDON to love me, and he didn't either. I'm sick of getting my emotions tied up in boys. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm just gonna fuck and forget like everybody else does. I don't need the attachment. It just makes it harder to fuck another boy when the opportunity comes along.

So, as Sam walked away from me, I shouted out, "FINE! You might think I give a shit, but I really don't! Why don't you find some time and figure yourself out, Sam? Then you won't have me to blame anymore for your confusion!" He didn't look back. He just raised both of his middle fingers and kept walking. So? So what? Like I can't walk to school by myself? Like I can't find someone else to hang out with on the weekends? He thinks he's so special. Well fuck him too. When he gets horny enough, he'll be back.

He'll be back.

I'm not sorry. I had one hell of a sexy time yesterday, and I'm not harboring a single regret over it. So let him sulk like a little baby if he wants to. I'll be just fine without him. If anything, he's holding me back. There's another boy ready to slide right into his spot too. Or does he think he's too important to be replaced? Psh! Hardly.

Trace didn't come to school today. Big surprise. I don't know why I liked him so much. He's starting to look like just a big loser to me these days. I really would rather not depend on him for any emotional support either. The more I think about him and his funky attitude, the less I care. I tried. I really did. I would have been there for him if he needed a friend. But whatever. Let him and his loser alcoholic father have fun in that big lonely house all by themselves. When he wants to talk to me like a person again, I'll be here. If not, then he can fuck off too.

And don't even get me started on Brandon. I'm avoiding him like the plague until he gets through his little pity party grieving process. I will NOT be a sounding board for more misery. I just can't handle it right now. For once I'm going to feel GOOD! Sam can curse me out all day, but I'm gonna keep smiling. He's not gonna bring me down, I won't let him.

You know, I actually saw Stevie in the halls today, and his eyes were all red from crying. You want to know what I felt? Nothing. Like...absolutely nothing. I looked him in the eye as we passed each other in the hall, and while he seemed sad and heartbroken, I was just fine. It's the kind of thing that I would have thought was impossible before, but today I saw that it really does work. That could have been ME a week ago. All sad and full of woe and suffering. Not getting laid, not having fun, being stepped on by everybody in my life. But I'm not. And step one is to stop giving a shit about other people. It helps. It really does.

Good luck with the rest of your life, Stevie. Go curl up in a ball somewhere and die. I don't need you in my life anymore.

The killer today though was Jimmy LaPlane! Honestly...I might stop talking to him too. He just got on my nerves today. Self righteous prick.

I was actually looking forward to seeing him today, if you can imagine that. It was the first thing on my mind. I wanted to tell him about my weekend. I wanted to let him know that I took his advice. That I let go. That I had some fun for fun's sake and that I didn't look back. Maybe soon I'll have my OWN threesome story to tell! We went to go eat lunch together outside in a private spot on the lawn by the baseball diamond. No need to eat in the cafeteria since Sam's being an asshole today. Jimmy was still kinda giggling about his day with AJ and how he was wondering if maybe he could get it to happen again. So I figured, why not tell him, you know? He's sharing some hot details, why can't I?

But when I mentioned my Friday night with Lee, he completely changed gears on me! Jimmy got this really....I don't know, this really 'sour' look on his face. It was like the smile had been drained from his expression completely. He was quiet for a moment, and he said, "Oh.....I didn't know that...you and Lee still talked...and 'stuff'..."

Was he still sore about Lee? Geez. Get over it. That was months ago. I'm like, "Yeah, well...we don't talk that much anymore really. But I just figured, if he's up for it, and I'm up for it, then why not, right?" Jimmy was quiet again for another few seconds, and I'm like, "Dude, come on. What? You're acting like I did something wrong."

Jimmy was almost ready to bite his tongue on the subject, but then he says, "This isn't like you at all, Billy. I mean, 'acting like you did something wrong'? Since when do you even talk like that?"

I'm like, "Give me a break. I suppose you're gonna make me feel bad for doing it?"

He said, "You don't think you should at least feel something? Anything?"

I rolled my eyes and said, "This coming from the guy who just had a threesome last week and spent days bragging to me about it."

Jimmy was like, "No, Billy. That's not the same thing. This is different. This isn't me 'allowing' AJ and his friend to use me while I take some momentary pleasure out of it. This is Lee, Billy. Lee. He's not some blow up doll without feelings. Lee is someone who cares about you. Who cares about people in general. You're deliberately hurting him, and you don't even care about what it might do to him if he knew that you didn't give a shit."

Insulted, I was like, "Oh please, don't sit here and think you can give me a lecture on sexual morality. I don't want to hear it. I played the good guy my whole life, and I have nothing to show for it." I said, "Look at your precious AJ. Seriously, just look at him. He goes out to the same mall, weekend after weekend, and he picks up hot, new, unsuspecting, boys to take home with him and screw in 50 different ways before sending them packing. And even after being a total BASTARD to them, they still come back for more. Just like you did. And he's just gonna keep doing it, Jimmy. There will always be another young heart who will fall for his bullshit and get fucked raw by him again and again. And he doesn't feel anything for them at all. Ever. I'd give anything to not have to care anymore like he does. I'm sick of it. Why can't I go out and have the kind of 'fun' that you brag about? Huh? Why not me?"

Jimmy sighed, and I nearly got up and left when I saw this...stupid 'wise old sage' look on hi face. Like I'm gonna sit here and let Jimmy LaPlane judge ME? Screw that. But he stopped me, and he's like, "You want to be Alex, Billy? Is that it? You wanna be like him?"

I'm like, "There doesn't seem to be a downside to it. He goes for what he wants and he doesn't have any regrets about it. His life is at warp speed all the time and mine is moving at a snail's pace. At least he takes what he wants from life. What's so bad about that?"

He's like, "Nothing. But, tell me this, Billy....what do you think of him as a person?" I asked him what he meant by that, and he said, "No really. Tell me. What do you REALLY think of Alex? AJ? Whatever. What do you think of him as a human being?"

I said, "He's a winner. He's winning. And I'm a big loser who's tired of getting his heart stomped on all the time."

Jimmy said, "Oh really? A winner, is he? So is that why you flipped out so badly when you first found out that Alex and I were dating? Is that why you practically went searching the streets for me that weekend that we were going to have sex for the first time?" I didn't know where he was going with that, but it was then that he said, "Yeah...that's who you want to be. Am I right? You look at Alex and you see a heart smashing, careless, thoughtless, whore, who doesn't think about anybody but himself. You didn't want him near you. You sure as hell didn't want him near me or anybody that you cared about. You looked at Alex like he was the scum of the fucking Earth, and if he so much as entered the same room as you....you'd leave and go somewhere else. Well, don't you think everybody else looks at him the same way? I mean, come on, dude...do you really think he's fooling anybody about what kind of person he really is? Sure, he finds some innocent hearts and he has some hot sex and I'm pretty sure that he's found a million ways to lie to himself so he doesn't ever feel bad about any of it. But is that what you really want to be? You want people to look at you with disgust and anger and suspicion? You want to be the senseless whore that people laugh at behind his back? Why?"

I'm like, "I didn't say all that."

But Jimmy's totally like, "Well, that's what it sounds like to me. Good times for Billy, bad times for anybody who might want to 'feel' anything for him because he's gonna cheat on them the first chance he gets. Once a whore, always a whore. That long list of conquests isn't going to just 'go away'. It stays with you. Forever." He's like, "Alex...he's cute. But me, and every boy he's ever been with, we all know a slut when we see one. That's exactly what he is to us. We go and we get naked and we cum all over ourselves for him. I'm sure that Alex doesn't spend many nights alone, trust me. But you wanna know something? When the sex is all over with and us 'poor defenseless boys' open our eyes...it's you that we'd rather have looking back at us. Not Alex. Alex isn't the boy you bring home, Billy. He's not the one that you make a steady boyfriend out of. And when the novelty wears off and his body is just as used and unappealing as the condom he throws in the trash afterward...boys like me put our clothes back on, we leave, and we don't think about him anymore. He's not impressing anybody with his sexual scorecard. One day he's gonna wake up and realize that he doesn't have an actual personality. Nor does he have anything to offer anybody than a nice ass and few tired one-liners to get boys into bed. That's fine when you're 15...but what happens when you're 25? That shit gets old really quick for anybody who has a choice in who they want to be with for the long haul."

I'm like, "So you're telling me that I should just keep on being the whipping boy for everybody else in the whole world? Is that it? That I should just lower my head and take shit from everybody while getting nothing in return?"

Jimmy said, "No. That's not what I'm saying at all."

I said, "GOOD!!! Because I'm not gonna fucking do it anymore! The world is shit! Why am I expected to be any better than anybody else? Why am I the only one playing by the rules?"

At that point, Jimmy raised his arms up, and he showed me the scars on his wrists. I turned away from him and told him to put those down, but he's like, "No, really, Billy. Look at 'em." I took a peek, but I really hate seeing those. Jimmy said, "Every morning I have to wake up and look at these scars. And I have to remember a dark time in my life...when I simply 'gave up'. On the world, on my life....on myself. And that's what you're doing right now, Billy. You're just giving up. 'The world is fucked up, so I should just cave in and be fucked up too', right? Who cares? Why fight to be a good person? Why should I do the right thing? That's BULLSHIT! And you KNOW it's bullshit! You think you're being strong by saying you don't care, but that's the weakest thing anybody can do in their lives. Get mad and give up. Oh, I didn't get my way so I'm angry. Leave me alone. I would be truly insulted if I invested all this admiration in you only to find that you were just as heartless as the people who drove me to hurt myself in the first place."

I told him, "It's not fair that I should be the only one willing to care. It's not."

Jimmy said, "Well, no. Maybe it's not. But the fact still remains that the world needs more Billy Chase's than it does AJ's. At least you TRY. Do you know how few people out there actually try to do some good for someone other than themselves?" He leaned closer to me and said, "You may think that AJ is getting laid and is having all this fun, but all in all, he's empty inside. A hollow shell of a human being. He's trying to fill the space and the loneliness with constant sex, boy after boy after boy, hoping that it'll somehow find a way to mean something to him in the long run. But once the fluids have been exchanged...all of those boys just leave him lonely again to search for another boy to make him feel worthy for just a little while longer. And then all of those boys go home and they dream about boys like you."

I said, "You CAN'T possibly expect me to believe that garbage."

Jimmy's like, "It's true. You're not like him, Billy. You're Billy Chase. You're not some weekend hook up with a stranger for the sake of dumping your sperm somewhere else besides your hand. You're the boy that speaks to everyone in the hallway with a smile whether you really know them or not. You're the boy who stands up for Bobby Jinette when he's getting pushed around in the locker room...and then brings him to the mall so he can learn to be more comfortable about who he is. You're the boy who helps his best friend get over his break up with his girlfriend, even when he stole her from you to begin with. The boy who drools helplessly over his ex-boyfriend, but is willing to let him go so he can be happy with someone else. You're the boy that Jamie 'fucking' Cross sees in the hallway and comes over to speak to personally because he thinks you're cool to talk to! That's the Billy Chase that I know and love. You were one of the ONLY people to come and visit me in the hospital after my suicide attempt. My mom STILL smiles whenever she hears your name. And you say that you have 'nothing to show' for all the good you've done? What does AJ have in comparison? A cell phone full of phone numbers that will lead him to a bunch of lovely boys who will dump that worthless piece of meat the SECOND they find a real boyfriend of substance and depth to snuggle up with at night. You're a good PERSON, Billy. I don't seem to remember that being a bad thing. Even when it seems that nobody appreciates it."

I'm like, "Whatever. You go for what you want. I'll go for what I want. And we can just leave it at that. I don't care."

You know what Jimmy says to me? He's like, "You're wrong, Billy. You DO care." Then he's like, "You know...I won't lie about being MADLY in love with you, Billy. And I don't mean that in the past tense, either. For years now, I watched you, I talked to you, I tried to hang around you, I've flirted with you, I've pawed you, I practically THREW myself at you every chance I got. The truth is...you could have had me any time that you wanted me. And, oh GOD, I would have enjoyed every sexy minute of it! But you know what? No matter what I was going though....you never took advantage of me. Never once. Not even when I was at my most emotionally vulnerable state. You know why? Because that's not the kind of person Billy Chase is. He doesn't HURT people for his own gratification. And I loved that about you. Alex? He would have jumped on me in a heartbeat. He doesn't care about me. It's just another Friday night fuck to him. Something physical to keep him from feeling so empty inside. But you? Sighhh...if anything were to ever happen between you and me, even if it only happened once...I'd know that it would be something beautiful. Not just some predator playing on my feelings for him, but a true gift...from someone who always kept his heart in the right place. Someone who cared enough to make me wait until the time was right...for both of us." Jimmy scooted closer, and he said, "I know that life is unfair sometimes, and it seems like AJ is the guy that's always standing in the winner's circle...but the truth is, boys like me NEED dream boys like you, Billy. We need to know that there are boys like you out there in the world to give us hope. We need to see that 'hey...the amazing boy I've always wanted actually EXISTS somewhere in the world.' Someone who's funny, and sensitive, and who's not afraid to stand up for his friends, and who's freakin' GORGEOUS on top of it. You let us know that AJ isn't the best chance we have at finding true love someday. You need to set the example, Billy. You need to let people know that we can be more like you and less like 'him'. When you give up....we all give up."

At this point, Jimmy was a bit too close to me, and I leaned away from him. Then I got up. I know what it is. He's jealous because of the Lee thing. That's what it is. He gets to screw two cute boys, but I got to screw his sweetheart. Now he's sore about it and he expects me to care. Well fuck that. I don't. Not a part of my plan. I told him, "Thanks for the sermon, Jimmy. I'll be sure to run home and write it down so I don't forget it."

He's like, "Billy....please? Just...understand that you're in a position to really hurt the people around you. Nobody's investing any emotion in AJ. You're different. You've got all the love you could ever want and more. Don't throw that away."

I'm like, "Oooh, some more info for my notes. Thanks. You can go back to your lunch now. I'm gonna go make plans for this weekend too. Who knows what the sex fairy has in store for me." Then I start walking away, like, "I don't know what made you so 'anti-sex' all of a sudden, Jimmy, but if you're gonna be a hypocrite, maybe you should stop sleeping around so much first. It just wrecks the whole argument for you, dude. You may not realize it, but you're a slut too, Jimmy. I'm just trying to keep up."

So I left him there. And good! Who is he to tell me about my sexual practices? Who am I hurting? I'm in a position to get hurt too. I don't see him defending MY feelings! AJ's not lonely or empty inside. If one boy leaves him, you know what he does? He gets another boy! He gets three boys a week! Easy! Why get attached to any of them?

I've done the relationship thing, and it fucked me. More times than I care to count. And now Jimmy's gonna tell me that I'm a great guy and the perfect boyfriend. Psh! Well, if I'm so great, then why don't I have someone special in my life? Huh? Just one boy to call my own? I'd rather fuck every boy in the neighborhood than take the difficult and frustrating route of looking for that one person who truly completes me as a person.

I.....I thought I had that once...and you know what? It fell apart. It crumbled right in front of my very eyes, and it's never coming back.

So I'm not going to waste the rest of my life chasing after something that isn't there. I don't care if he thinks I'm a whore. I'll be one. Fuck it. How does that make me different from everybody else? I'm not Superman. Let somebody else be the poster boy for misery and indecision. I'm done. I'm hanging up the gloves. Fighting the good fight...

That's somebody else's job now...

Going to bed. G'night world.

- Billy

Ps- At least I can sleep in tomorrow. I'm not gonna talk to Sam until he talks to me first. He really went too far this time.