The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 15. Chapter 15

Wednesday

- You know...I got the sweetest kiss from Sam this morning. Totally non-sexual. It was just before we left his house to go to school, and we were talking and laughing about something we saw on TV last night, and Sam was being really awesome as he was getting ready. And I gave him a look before leaving his bedroom. I swear, it wasn't a sexy look or anything. Just some weird moment of weakness that made me feel all jittery inside. Sometimes, Sam's smile does that to me. And then...for no reason at all, Sam leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

Just like....this 'friendly, but more than friendly' kiss. Like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do that. It was quick, but it was soooo special to me, you know? He was just like, "Mwah! C'mon, let's get outta here." I have to admit that I was kinda frozen in place for a moment or two. I reached up my fingers to touch my lips, and I smiled to myself. I know that it seems like such a little thing to get so goofy over....but for some reason, that little peck on the lips was exactly what I needed today.

And the most awesome part is...THAT wasn't even the highlight of my day!

It kinda started when I saw Jimmy in the hallway with some of his girl friends crowded around his locker. I was gonna just give him a wave and keep going, but he stopped his friends in mid sentence and beckoned me over. It was a little bit awkward, but only because Stacy was there with the other two girls. And she's still kinda...um....'interested' in me. I mean, she never pushes the issue or anything. She hardly ever talks to me at all, in fact. But she still looks. I can feel it whenever she's around me. I just don't want to get into a situation where I have to tell her that I'm not interested, you know? A high school boy without a girlfriend...actually rejecting a girl who's giving him the green light...it just doesn't look good.

Anyway, Jimmy is like, "Dude, we're thinking about going back to the mall this weekend. But this time on SUNDAY. Not Saturday. Whaddya say? You wanna come with?" Arrrgh! Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but Jimmy DOES realize that I'm still in the closet, right??? I mean, what made the last trip to the mall so cool was that we were both kinda in on the secret. We could talk about it and not flash it in front of other people. I kinda liked that. It was a first step towards me being comfortable with the idea of being...um...'me', I guess.

But us and a bunch of girls who may or may not suspect that I'm gay, based on what Jimmy told them so far...it just didn't seem like such a good time to me. I mean, Jimmy's out and proud, and there's nothing wrong with that. He doesn't care who knows. But I just haven't gotten to that point yet. So I told him, "You know, I'm not sure, dude. I've got a lot of stuff to do around the house this weekend...I doubt I'll be up for much shopping."

Jimmy gave me a weird look, and he was like, "Are you sure? It'll be fun. We'll have a ride and everything this time."

But I said, "Nah. You guys have a blast. Maybe some other time." Ugh! Why did I have to add that last part? 'Maybe some other time'. That's just gonna make him ask me again next week. I've gotta learn to stop doing that to soften the rejection. I don't mean it. It sucks. I just think it would be uncomfortable, that's all. I have enough trouble with the few people that know about me NOW.

Then Jimmy was like, "Well, do you wanna have lunch with us then?"

Still an uncomfortable situation. But Stacy was like, "Come on, Billy. At least come eat with us." And I didn't have a sufficient excuse ready to turn down the offer.

Besides, it was just lunch. That's like 40 minutes tops. I couldn't get into too much trouble in 40 minutes.

Sorry, don't mean to ramble on and lose my place. Because THAT'S not really where the awesome part comes in! The awesome part comes from when I had to go back and turn them down for lunch too! Hehehe, I know that sounds strange...but just keep reading! You'll get it!

So, I'm running late for my English class later on, and as I get to the top of the stairs, I hear some arguing going on. It's kinda quiet, but I know Brandon's voice when I hear it. And as much as I despise that weasel, Stevie, I know his voice too. I didn't want to be late, but they were on the next floor up from me, and couldn't see me...so I kinda stayed put and tried to eavesdrop on what was going on. I mean, maybe I'm a big rat for that...but it's my Brandon. How can I NOT be interested?

I heard Stevie saying, "Fine, then. If you just don't want to ever come over to my house again, then don't. I don't care anymore."

And Brandon was like, "Jesus, Stevie! Stop with the melodrama, will you? That's not what I said, and you KNOW it! Why are you being like this?"

And Stevie was like, "You always have some kind of excuse. I bet if it was 'you know who', you'd run over there like a starved puppy..."

Brandon said, "He's got NOTHING to do with this! Now you're just making shit up! You know what? Fine. If you don't care, then I don't care. I'm not gonna do this with you right now. I'm going to be late for class, and you're just looking for any bullshit reason that you can come up with to be mad at me. So why don't you run off by yourself and figure out what's wrong with you before you explode and try to make it MY fault like you always do!"

Then Stevie totally shocked me by saying, "Fuck off, Brandon!" And he stormed away from the staircase to go to class. I heard Brandon kick the railing in anger, and then I heard him start rushing down the stairs to where I was.

I panicked. I didn't want to make it look like I was listening in, but my legs felt like they were paralyzed, and I didn't getaway in time before Brandon came stomping down the steps and catching me with my hand on the doorknob.

I blushed instantly. I was like, "Uhhh...hey..."

Brandon tried to fix his expression and hide his outrage, but after a few seconds of trying, he stopped caring about it. He was like, "Hey. I'm sorry. I'm just...ARRGH!!! Some days I wish I could just give the whole fucking WORD a middle finger! You know?"

I shouldn't have said anything, but it kinda slipped. I mean...when Brandon is THIS mad...his whole face changes. He's like a different person altogether. I was like, "Yeah....I kinda...heard what happened." He looked at me, and I added, "I WASN'T trying to spy on you guys or anything...I just..."

And he was like, "No. It's ok. Better you than somebody else. It's just...sometimes I'm not in the mood for this shit. I'm soooo sick of working myself to the point of utter exhaustion to cushion his stupid insecurities. Everything is sooooo 'over the top' with him. I swear to God, Billy....just TWO hours ago, I was telling him how much I cared about him. And now he's treating me like I've spent the last ten years abusing him to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. I mean does he REMEMBER what the fuck I say to him from one moment to the next? Or does it just not matter to him? This is CRAZY! What sane person acts like this???" Just as he said it, the late bell rang, and we both looked at each other for a moment. Brandon instantly apologized, like, "Awww, Billy...dude, I'm sorry. I'm late, I've made YOU late...this whole day is just fucked. I know you don't want to hear about this..."

But I was like, "No! It's totally cool! I mean...um...well, you wanna...talk or something? I mean..we're already late, right?"

Brandon looked like he was considering it for a moment. But then he said, "Nah, I can't. I've gotta go. Just...I just didn't need that today. It was totally out of left field. That's all. I'll talk to you a bit later, k? I'll be in a better mood then."

I was disappointed at first, so I was just like, "Um...o-o-ok. Well...I'll um...I'll seeya 'round." I mean, come on! 'I'll see ya 'round???' STUPID! But then, just before leaving the stairwell, Brandon called me back!

I peeked my head back in, and Brandon was like, "Say....do you wanna go somewhere and have lunch today? Just you and me?"

It wasn't flirtatious or anything, but he seemed serious enough. I was like, "Wait...are you serious?"

He said, "Yeah. Sure. Why not? I mean...Stevie is being a bitchy little diva at the moment, and I certainly don't want to spend my lunch with HIM as long as he's acting like a brat. Why don't you and I go someplace off grounds and grab some junk food? I think I've had enough unnecessary frustration for the day. Let Stevie throw a tantrum on his own time. No reason for us both to be miserable." And Brandon actually gave me a bit of a SMILE! Like...that super genuine 'Brandon' smile! The pretty one that I love so much! Hehehe! At that point, I was putty in his hands.

I was like, "Well...yeah. Ok. Sweet! I'll meet you downstairs when the lunch bell rings."

Brandon said, "Awesome. I'll see ya then."

And you wanna know something....he actually met me. Like, I was a bit skeptical at first...but he was right there where he said he'd be when lunch time rolled around. There were a few bashful moments where I felt bad for being with him just because him and his boyfriend were fighting....but it didn't last long. Because I wasn't trying to steal him away, first of all. And second of all....Stevie was treating him like shit! I heard him. Brandon's trying to be the best boyfriend that he can be, and here comes Stevie with his lack of self esteem and confidence...saying all of these mean things to someone who would burn down Heaven and Earth to be with him...to the point where he just doesn't want to be bothered to even argue about it anymore! How AWESOME is that for me? Seriously!

I always said....if Stevie screws up...just ONE time..and makes Brandon feel like things aren't gonna work out between them...I was gonna be RIGHT there to scoop him him up for myself. I have zero sympathy for Stevie anyway. Especially after he lied about me trying to ruin his relationship. Why? He's ruining it all on his own. HA! I hope he STAYS upset with Brandon. Because every moment that he spends arguing and bitching at his boyfriend...that's another moment that he and I get to laugh and have lunch together. Serves him right. Brandon's a MAJOR catch! If Stevie has so many problems with him, I'll take him. Let him find somebody else.

I was an total IDIOT passing on Brandon before. I won't make that same mistake twice. I'm not a leech...but if I think for one moment that Stevie dropped the ball and Brandon's back on the market...that'll just be his tough luck. He can spend his many long hours alone thinking about the one that got away. I don't plan to play that game anymore. Never again.

Geez, am I getting excited about this or what? Hehehe! Hardly seems fair. But fuck it...I've wasted too much time being fair as it is. Hehehe, keep pissing him off, Stevie. His patience is wearing really thin with you. I can SEE it!

Brandon and I had an AMAZING lunch together today. We went out past the football field to eat on the grass away from everybody else. You know, I can't even remember the last time that we did this. It was hard to get over how good it felt to have us being in each other's company again. Without that tension. That restriction. I didn't feel that brick wall between us today at all. In fact, when I tried to bring Stevie up...you know what Brandon said to me???

Brandon said, "Can we not talk about him right now? Honestly, he's the furthest thing from my mind right now." He actually SAID that! And he even said, "Sometimes....I just get tired of being made to feel like I'm the enemy. That game gets old really fast. I don't do that to him, so why would he do it to me? And so often?"

I was trying not to smile the whole time, but it hurt my cheeks to hold it back. I said, "Maybe you guys were just having an off day."

And he's like, "Stevie's always having an off day. Unfortunately, when you don't like yourself...every comment made sounds like an attack. So I guess he just sees me as this awful person who's always looking for ways to hurt him. Whatever. That's something for him to deal with. Me giving him compliments 24 hours a day doesn't mean a damn thing if he's too miserable to accept them..." Then he looks at me, and rolls his eyes in the cutest way. I forgot how cute it was when Brandon rolls his eyes. He's like, "I thought we weren't gonna talk about him? Hehehe! For ONCE...can we talk about you? I wanna smile. The melodramatic bullshit gets sooooo tiresome sometimes. Come on, let's have some fun. Hehehe, let the 'sad people' be miserable and alone without dragging us down with them. How are you?"

I was like, "Hehehe, I don't know. Same as always, I guess." I honestly didn't know how to answer him. I was too busy trying not to blush. You'd think I'd be over that nervous feeling in my stomach when it came to dealing with Brandon...but there it was all over again. Like it was brand new. Reborn in his smile.

He asked, "How's your boyfriend, or whatever?"

I'm like, "Yeah...he's more like 'whatever'. Hehehe!" Brandon gave me a smirk, and I said, "What? I told you, he's not my boyfriend anymore. It was just...something that happened for a little while."

He raised his eyebrow and we both giggled for a moment. He was like "Ouch! Something that 'happened for a little while'? That sounds harsh."

I said, "No. No really, Lee's a great guy. We just didn't work. Sometimes you can just feel it when somebody's not right for you, you know?"

Brandon's smile faded slightly, and after thinking about it for a moment, he's like, "Yeah. I think I know what you mean." Then he's like, "And sometimes...you can feel it when someone's perfect for you too." He didn't look at me when he said it. It could have meant anything. But he turned red and we were quiet for a minute. It really connected us again. It was just this random spark of something that I hadn't felt in a really long time. Not even with Sam. I wish I could explain. I wish I could figure out why this pretty boy in front of me was THE one. I mean there's tons of pretty boys out there. Tons of cool people. Tons of funny people. Tons of people that are actually fun to be around. But...not a single one of them were Brandon. And that made the 'ache' for him return, full force.

Sometimes...I wonder if he feels it too.

It was an awesome lunch, and we laughed through half of it. We caught up on a few things, but there were a few moments that really stuck out as being...special. Hehehe! God, I can't believe I'm still smiling.

Anyway, this thing has gone on long enough. I should stop writing for now.

Oh...but before I go...

I did catch Lee online tonight....'briefly'.

I said hello with a big smile and asked if he wanted to talk. He had been so sweet with his last email, I was kinda looking forward to hearing his voice again. I waited about a half hour for a reply...but I knew he was online. I could see him. Then he wrote back to me and was like, "Actually, can we talk another time? I'm kinda busy at the moment. But it's good to hear from you, dude." And then he gave me a smiley face.

That was...ummmm.....that was it.

I thought he'd be excited to hear from me. But I guess Lee is in his 'not thinking about Billy' phase again. Too busy, I guess. Ah well....it's not like it was something new. I should have expected this to happen again. So I didn't feel much of a sting from it this time. When he decides he wants to make good on his offer to be friends...he knows where to find me. In the meantime, I've got my Brandon to talk to! Hehehe! And I think I'm gonna enjoy that for a while longer before I go chasing after Lee's affections again. I mean...it was different when he was the only entree on the table. But now that I've got other options...he can ignore me as much as he wants. I've got plenty to keep my love starved heart busy these days. And that feels really good. It really does.

Now...if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna finish my homework, and get to bed. I'm hoping that my subconscious remix of today's events provides me with a long night of passionate dreams between now and the time I wake up in the morning. Wish me luck! And I'll write more soon! Laters!

- Billy