The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 30. Chapter 30

Thursday

- I had a dream this morning that got me so hot and bothered that I couldn't go back to sleep. It only woke me up like 30 minutes before my alarm was about to go off anyway...but I would have much rather spent that time in bed.

Sighhh...you know, I'm trying really really hard to leave the whole Sam situation alone. I don't understand why my body wants him so bad. I mean...to the point where I feel myself losing my common sense along with my self control. I honestly want it to stop now. Enough is enough. I don't want to go avoiding my best friend, but I think I just need enough space where I can get over these weird feelings and try getting back to normal before I end up screwing things up for good.

I just....ugh!!! I was asleep on my stomach, and I was dreaming that Sam was slowly...crawling on top of me. I dreamed that his warm body was weighing me down to the mattress, and his soft lips were kissing my face and the back of my neck. He was moaning and breathing heavily in my ear. And his arms were holding me in a snug embrace. God, even thinking about it right now is making me squirm in my chair.

The thing is, it was like I could almost FEEL his hardness grinding into my ass. That stiff length sliding up and down, humping into my cleft...my hole was actually trembling when I woke up. I wanted him inside me soooo bad! I've never felt like this for anybody before. But I just...I craved the feeling of those long, hard, inches sliding into me. Stretching me. Filling me up. I wanted him to take me. I wanted to be used. It was like...I wanted to be his 'girl', you know? Is that weird. Something about Sam brings that out of me. And I kinda 'like' it. I honestly exploded twice this morning after dreaming about that.

Being around him this morning was difficult. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was afraid that he'd do something cute and I'd be helpless against doing it with him again. I definitely won't be asking him for any more sex...but....if he asks me....I don't know if I'll be able to say 'no'. And that's a strange feeling, not knowing if you can trust yourself to be good.

Speaking of being good...I finally had half a chance to talk to Simon today. You know, it's funny how you can go from talking to someone all the time to suddenly becoming random acquaintances in the hallway. I felt kinda bad about that. Simon was always a good guy, what happened to us? I guess him having a girlfriend changed things a little. One thing that I've learned about 'girls'...they pretty much despise anything that takes attention away from them. Men all over the world have had more stress and frustration dropped in their laps just for doing something that competes with their female counterparts. Video games, the internet, sports, work, having guy friends...women hate ALL of it! I guess Simon's trapped in the mix now. God help him.

One of the first things that I noticed about him was that his hair was just a little bit darker than the bright blond that it used to be. Not a whole lot, but it was noticeable. And his voice sounded a little bit deeper. Hehehe, and he might have grown an inch. I dunno...it was kinda hot. I think because I instantly started wonder if he was having lots of sex now, and it was making a 'man' out of him. Hehehe! Just think...not all that long ago I was humping him on my bedroom floor and trying to get him to be my first time. Wild.

I told him that I knew Trace and all, and Simon was like, "Yeah. He mentioned you a few times actually. He said you guys were hanging out and stuff, which is cool."

I knew that this...this was an extremely delicate subject. But I couldn't think of a round-about way of asking him without totally being obvious about my intentions. There was no subtlety to be had this time. So, after trying to smooth the conversation out over another minute or two, I asked him, "Simon...can I ask you something?"

And he's like, "Yeah, what's up?"

I said, "Trace...I mean...what do you think of him? Honestly."

Simon seemed a bit confused at first. He's like, "He's cool, I guess. A little bit quiet. He picks up on his studies and stuff pretty fast..."

Psh! What am I, interviewing him for a teacher's assistant job??? I'm like, "No, Simon. NOT academically." He wrinkled his forehead, and I rolled my eyes a bit. I said, "I mean...what do you think he's...'into'. I mean, like...if somebody were interested in him...like another 'boy'...would he be...? Would that be a bad thing? Aww, you know what I'm saying, right?"

I think it clicked for him, and Simon said, "Billy...he didn't...we didn't talk about anything like that..."

But I'm like, "I know. I know. I'm just...you've been spending time with him after school. Does he give any kind of...'signals' or anything? Does he seem like the type to maybe be cool with something like that? Or....?"

Simon appeared to struggle with his words to make them as careful as he possibly could. And that gave me a bit of a sour feeling in my stomach. He said, "Billy, I'm not exactly sure what you're planning on doing...but um...well, I think maybe you should talk this out with him before you go doing anything reckless."

RECKLESS? Did he just say reckless???

I was like, "Omigod...you think he's straight?"

He said, "I didn't say that."

I'm like, "So you think he's gay? Or...or maybe he likes both?"

He's all like, "I didn't say that either. Billy, I honestly don't know. I would just...be careful. You know? Sometimes what you think you see...isn't really what's there." THAT was definitely not the answer I was looking for. I think he saw the look on my face, and he says, "I'm not trying to discourage you or anything. Just...you know...not everybody makes a leap of faith and lands safely on their feet."

Simon apologized to me and stuff, but...I REALLY wish that he could have just said, 'Oh yeah, he's totally gay. Go for it!' He was supposed to be my ace in the hole here. Now I'm even more confused than ever. I don't know...I mean, he didn't say Trace was straight, right? He said he didn't know. I mean, maybe he just wasn't paying attention. Maybe now that I mentioned, he'll look a little bit closer. According to Trace, he's still got all of next week before his tutoring sessions are over. So there's still more time for him to give himself away. I just have to keep looking for signs. When I hang out tomorrow night, I'll get as close to him as he'll allow me to. And then I'll see if he snaps.

For now, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed. He's too damn cute to be TOTALLY straight! That would be cheating soooo many of us gay boys out of so much. And that's just not fair.

You know, I talked to Bobby Jinette while we were coming out of the locker room, and something he said to me really made me feel...I don't know...wicked. I don't think he meant for it to sound that way, but that's sort of how I took it.

It was all just casual happy talk at first, you know? Bobby mentions Ian like every two or three sentences. He really is crushing on that boy pretty hard. It's so cute. Hehehe! But then...as we're walking, I see Brandon walking across the hall to one of the drinking fountains. I think it was just this weird knee jerk reaction that I had, but I stopped in mid step and put out an arm to stop Bobby too. It was like...I just didn't want to be seen, you know? I certainly didn't want to be seen with Bobby Jinette at my side...but I don't think that bothered me as much as having Brandon look up and see me hiding from him again. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. But I didn't want to be any more trouble to him either. For once, I was gonna do right by Brandon and just leave him alone. He deserves to be happy. All I seem to do is screw that up for him. It's best if I keep my distance.

Bobby knew what I was doing right away. He could see me watching him. Seeing the cool column of water touching those pretty lips of his. The curve of his back as he leaned forward, holding his books close to his chest. Then he stood up, lightly wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and went into the library. I had successfully dodged another bullet, but it made me feel like shit anyway.

Bobby was like, "You know they're fighting again, right?"

I'm like, "What?"

He says, "Brandon and Stevie. I see them all the time in the halls. They're, like...struggling just to keep from strangling one another. He's not happy. With YOU, he was happy. With Stevie he's just...walking on eggshells. Dude, if I were you, I'd just go talk to him. It's no secret that you still have feelings for him. So just...sit down with him and talk it out."

I was like, "I can't. Ok? He's got somebody else now..."

Bobby said, "Yeah, and he's absolutely miserable with him. You saw him. Did he look like he was having any fun at all. Brandon is a real catch, and all Stevie does is give him grief. Day after day after day."

I told him, "I'm just...I've been a big enough bastard to both of them. At this point, I could only make things worse."

He's like, "I know you want him back, Billy. And you know it too. This is high school, dude. I see people get together, have crushes, date, break up, cheat on each other with other people...but even though I was too selfish to see it before...I can honestly look at you and Brandon and say..'you guys belong together'. There's something there that these other people running around playing the dating game don't have. Even when you're apart, you're together. That's really saying something."

I had a moment when I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. Mostly because...there was a very small part of me that knew that Bobby was right. But that was supposed to be PRIVATE! He had no right to peek in and expose it like that. Now that he had brought it to my attention, I felt worse than ever. I said, "It doesn't matter, ok? I'm not gonna run in and steal somebody else's boyfriend. I'm just not gonna do that. So I might as well forget about it."

I think Bobby could sense a bit of bitterness in my statement. After all, if it weren't for him taking advantage of certain opportunities and me being dumb enough to give him those opportunities...Brandon and I never would have broken up in the first place. But, despite the subtle insult, Bobby just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I understand what you're saying, dude. I'm not saying that you're a bad person. But....Billy...." He gave me this really concerned look. And he said, "...Frankly, Stevie has a boyfriend that most people would kill for. If all he's going to do is make him feel uneasy and holler at him and manipulate his every emotion to make him feel bad...how long do you think it's going to be before Brandon gets fed up with it? There are people who would work their asses off to make him happy 24 hours a day, and you're one of them. It's not 'stealing' if Brandon's just choosing the boy that gives him less grief. I'm just saying."

So now that's going to be buzzing around in my head for the rest of the night. And I hate it. As if Sam and Trace weren't giving me enough grief as it is. Do I want Brandon back? Well...ugh, I mean...YEAH. In some kind of strange fantasy world where something like that was possible. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to do something as despicable as try to flirt with him behind Stevie's back. Stevie needs somebody on his side right now. And yes, he's a fucking weasel...but should I use that as an excuse to become a weasel myself?

No way. I'm finally getting my life together. I'm finally getting things straightened out in my head. I can't just jump in bed with every boy that I'm hot for. That would be half the male population of the entire SCHOOL! No...I'm getting untangled from this confusing jumble of hormones and doing what's best for everybody. Brandon is taken, Sam is straight, and Trace is my best bet right now. He's sweet, he's cute, he loves spending time with me, we hang out...there's only one hurdle left to jump for us and we can really be happy.

It sucks that Brandon's miserable. I mean, one day they're happy, the next day he looks like he wants to kick a hole in his locker door. But they'll work through it, and they'll be happy again, and I'll end up heartbroken again. I'm not going to put myself in the position to ruin what little emotional stability I have these days over the fact that.....that...

...I'm still in love with somebody I can't have. :(

Whatever. I'm gonna leave it alone. I'm gonna finish my homework and go to bed. I'll write more later. See ya....

- Billy

Ps- When Brandon and I broke up...Stevie was right there to take my place in a heartbeat. If they break up....can I do the same thing? I probably shouldn't be thinking about this...but fair is fair, right? If, for some reason, they decide that they've had enough of each other...that's not really MY fault, is it? Don't see why I should feel guilty about it....