The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 16. Chapter 16

Thursday

- You know, I don't really think of myself as a 'selfish' person. I don't think anybody does. But sometimes Stevie brings the worst out in me. And I guess....thinking about it now, I kinda regret it.

I saw some kids picking on him today. They were calling him names and then kept him out of the gym locker room by holding the door closed. It's like...they were just laughing at him and calling him 'gay' and...I don't know...maybe I should have said something. Or done something. Don't get me wrong, Stevie is a 'Grade A' ASSHOLE and he sucks for what he said about me! But....sighhh...I just don't have it in me to be an asshole back to him. Not like that, anyway. I wish I did. Because if anybody deserves to have bad karma put its foot in his ass, it's Stevie. But when he saw me in the hall outside the locker room, and I just kinda kept walking...I felt really bad about surrendering to my lowest instincts. I should have helped him. I know that now.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just letting it screw with my head more than I should. Heh...look at that. Sympathy for Stevie....AGAIN. I need to turn off this 'nice guy' gene of mine and trade it in for something that works the way it does for every other human being on the planet.

Anyway, something kinda weird happened today. Hehehe, well two things to be honest. Let me just say this one first. It's short. I was talking to Trace in the hall today after my second period class, and he said that his brother Mikey got the brilliant idea to put eggs in his bed under the blanket! Hahaha, what the? Trace was like, "The little freak took raw eggs out of the fridge and covered them up with the blankets and everything. And I'm jus plopping down on the bed to watch TV and feel them cracking underneath me. I'm like 'what the hell...?', and there's fucking egg yolk everywhere. He evidently thought it was hilarious. I mean he actually fell on the floor and had to hold his belly to keep it from bursting with laughter. I mean...dude...EGGS? That kid is gonna grow up to be serial killer crazy!" I have to admit, the idea of it made me laugh out loud too. I can just see Mikey getting a kick out of something like that. Trace said, "Great. Now you're laughing at me. I'm glad the ol' Tracey Clown hasn't lost his mojo."

Then I was like, "I'm gonna run to the bathroom really quick, but I'll talk to ya later, k?"

You know what Trace said? He said, "Actually, I'm gonna run in there with you. My next class takes forever. Teachers are kinda suspicious when it comes to giving me hall passes because they know I'm not liable to come back." And he came in the bathroom with me.

I don't know if it's like this for everybody...but there's something so...naughty about standing at a urinal and peeing next to someone you think is really cute. It's like this unspoken little thrill that I get, knowing that he's...um...exposed. Even if I can't see it. He was standing right next to me, talking like it was no big deal. But the whole time I was thinking about hoe his pants were unzipped...and his boxers were open..and that amazingly sweet and tasty part of him was just....hanging out there. If only I had the guts to look down. I wish Trace hadn't been paying me so much attention, because I got REALLY curious as to what it looked like. Trace seems like the kind of boy that would have a really sexy looking penis, you know? Like it would be just the right length and width and all smooth with a little touch of pink in its color. Hehehe, I can't believe that I think about this stuff in the boys bathroom. But my mind was flooded with thoughts of what it would be like to just...pull Trace into a stall and go crazy for the next ten minutes. I mean, if I just put it all on the line and offered him a long, wet, blowjob....what's he gonna say? No? I think I started to get hard, so I had to cut my little fantasy short. But it would be cool to wrap my lips around him. Just once. Even soft. I bet it would just melt in my mouth. All warm and delicious. My mouth is actually salivating just thinking about it. Hehehe!

I didn't get a peek. I was too nervous about it. And when you're peeing, you've only got like 30 seconds to work up the nerve or not. But I definitely wanted to check him out. So far, Lee has the cutest penis I've ever seen with my own two eyes, but I'm betting that Trace would be a close second if not first. Anyway, we washed our hands and he asked me if I was still coming over tomorrow for the horror movie marathon. I'm looking forward to it even more than before now. Hehehe, what if we end up making out or something? GOD, that would be so hot!

Anyway, so I got a chance to sorta talk to Joanna for a few minutes today. I was lucky enough to see her in the main library by herself, which was a plus. Her and Jamie are so tightly bonded together it's rare to catch them apart. I said hello, and she seemed happy to see me. She was just like, "Hey, Billy. What's going on?"

I mean, we made small talk for a while. It's so hard to imagine us dating now. I enjoyed it, but...that seems like that was years ago when I think back on it.

Anyway, I finally gathered up some courage and said, "Hey, Joanna? Can I...like, ask you something?"

She was like, "Yeah. Sure."

So I said, "You didn't...um..." God, it was hard to say. And DAMN this library for being so damn quiet. It made me lower my voice to the point where even I could barely hear it. I asked her, "...you didn't tell Jamie Cross that stuff about...um...you know...about me? Did you?"

She smiled at me for a moment. She's like, "You think I snitched on you, Billy?"

I said, "No. No way. It's not that. But um.....did you? Because that would be bad if you told him."

She was like, "Why would that be bad? Jamie's cool with that sort of thing..."

But I'm like, "Yeah, I know he is. But...just don't. Ok? Please? Joanna, I'm begging you. Just don't mention it. Don't even bring it up. Like...ever."

I didn't even realize that I was holding on to her arms and practically shaking her until she gave me a weird look and gently pulled herself out of my panicked embrace. She giggled and said, "Don't WORRY, Billy. I didn't out you to Jamie. Your secret is safe with me. " Then she said something that made me shiver inside. I don't know if it was fear or excitement or both. But whoah...what a rush! She's like, "You know...he 'asked'. You know that right?"

WHAT??? He asked what??? What the FUCK does that mean??? I'm like, "He asked you what?"

She saw the distress on my face and told me to calm down. She's like, "It wasn't an interrogation or anything. But when we all saw you there at the mall with Jimmy, you two just looked kinda cozy. So afterwards, he asked me if you were gay."

HUMILIATION!!! ARRRGHH!!!! I covered my face with both hands. I felt like I was gonna cry. I said, "No no no no no!!! Omigod, Joanna, what did you tell him???"

I got 'hushed' by the librarian, and had to remember to keep my voice down. Joanna said, "It wasn't like that. Billy? Geez! He just asked like....you know...'oh, I didn't know Billy was gay'. I don't think he knows for sure."

I'm like, "But what did you TELL him?"

She said, "I told him that he'd have to ask you."

WHAT??????? I freaked out! I'm like, "Why the FUCK would you tell him something like THAT????" I said, getting another hush and a dirty look from the librarian. Joanna seemed totally confused by my reaction, and I told her, "Joanna...you're not supposed to say 'you'll have to ask him'! That's like stapling a big faggy rainbow on my forehead!"

She's like, "What? hat did I do? I didn't tell him anything..."

I said, "Yeah, but you didn't DENY it either. You gave him time to think about it. Right now, Jamie Cross is somewhere thinking, 'what did she mean by that'. And 'Billy's Gay' is probably gonna be the answer."

She said, "You don't know that."

I said, "Of COURSE I know that. 'he's gay' is ALWAYS the answer. Ugh! GIRLS!" She had to laugh at me, but I was serious....do they not understand ANYTHING about lockdown isolated privacy? If someone asks if someone else is gay, and that person is in the closet, you say NO! You say HELL no! You don't say, 'You'll have to ask him'. What is she DOING to me???

She said, "Billy, I think you're worrying about this way too much. Relax. The next time he asks, I'll hit him over the head with a tree branch or something and run away."

I said, "That's preferable and less suspicious than what YOU said! Geez..." She rubbed my head and smiled.

She's like, "You're so cute when you're being hopelessly irrational." Right. So she says.

Jamie asked if I was gay. When I first started writing these journals...the day that Jamie Cross asked about my sexuality was nowhere in my realm of possibility. Like...at all! Now I can't stop thinking about it! Ugh! Why do people keep guessing that I'm gay! What the heck am I doing wrong??? Tom Cruise has been hiding his homosexuality for his whole LIFE! I can't even make it through high school! It's SO not fair!

Anyway, I've gotta run! I'm pretty tired right now. Besides, I've gotta make sure that I have plenty of energy for Trace tomorrow. Hehehe...umm...for watching movies, that is. :P

Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if I just....if I flirted back when he seemed to be flirting with me....how far could it go? It would be like a game of chicken, you know? To see who swerves first? I bet Trace would kiss me. I'll just BET that I could get him to at least tongue kiss me tomorrow night! Watch! I'll have plenty to write when I come back.

Or...wait...I'm spending the night. I might not be able to write anything. What do I do? Do I take my book with me? no...no that would be dumb. What if he reads it? What if Trace sees what I've been saying about him? Noooooo! I'll....I'll take a random notebook from school or something. I'll keep it short and sweet. Then I'll just staple it to the next page. Yeah...easy fix.

Hahaha! Does this mean that I'm totally addicted to writing my every thought and feeling down on paper every day? Weird! I think I am. Ah well...it could be worse...

I could be putting eggs in someone's bed!

Laters!

- Billy