The Many Faces of Kai - 12. Chapter 12

Kai

Big talk, but my anxiety was making my stomach feel sour. I'd talked to my counselor a lot, and while I think he was supportive, he stopped short of endorsing my relationship. We talked about my mom and how I'd reacted, holding the gay thing against her for a long time. My guilt. I almost think he was making some kind of connection that being with Lys was somehow making things up to my mom. I don't think that's it, but if I had to go down that road...maybe I was living as myself, the way my mom had wanted to; maybe that would have been what she'd wanted for me.

I think labels are important, to a point. The only label I really wanted right now, though, was being Lys's boyfriend.

So after I whispered in his ear we made out a little, but we had to keep it under control. We put our stuff away and went out to help his grandmother in the kitchen. After dinner we got changed to stay in for the night, and we watched an old movie with them – ironically, 'The Hustler' with that Paul Newman guy. We sat up for a little bit talking to them before we got washed up for bed. His grandmother showed us where towels and washcloths were for the shower and told us to take one whenever we felt like it.

Once in the bedroom my heart felt like it was hammering at the inside of my chest, turning things around it to pulp with mighty beats.

“Okay, so I should train you now,” I said and sat down to peel my socks off.

“Train me?” Lys asked.

I stood and took my socks to the small hamper. “See? Dirty. They go inside the hamper. Like this.” I demonstrated dropping them into the plastic tub.

“Uh huh,” he said, giving me a little sass. He walked over to me and pulled the bottom of my shirt up, and I raised my arms to let him. He tossed the shirt at the side of the hamper. “I like my way better,” he said.

I pulled at his shirt and tossed it into the hamper. “See? Not so hard.”

He checked me out, top to bottom and the corner of his mouth pulled back in a smile. “Looks hard to me.”

We tossed our sleep pants aside and hugged. We'd never taken clothes off and then touched, so it was new. It's hard to describe holding someone as intimately as we were. Part of me wanted to rush, to kiss him so hard and so well, but another part of me was conscious of so much skin-to-skin contact and wanting to bring him closer. We started to kiss, and I followed his lead – slowly kissing, as if we had all the time in the world. He pulled back, brushing his fingertips along the side of my face.

“I love you.” Lys said it like a sacred whisper. Quiet, strong, yet vulnerable and fragile.

“I love you, too.”

He leaned to one side and flipped the light, plunging the room into shades of gray. We climbed into the bed and were soon back to making out. He felt so good...so good.

But my anxiety was uncurling in my stomach, like the first wisp of smoke from a flame. I know I'd said we should do what came naturally. Was he going to get inside me? Was I ready for that?

He ran his fingertips down my flanks and I shuddered. I tried to push my unease aside and sent my fingers to explore his body, and as distractions go, he's a pretty good one. His hand worked its way down and for the first time in my life, someone was grabbing my hard dick. He squeezed and pulled on it a little and I let out a groan from somewhere deep in my chest.

“Shh,” he said, a grin in his voice. “You like that, babe?”

I didn't answer as he was kissing me again and rhythmically squeezing my hard dick. Just due to the angle I couldn't reach his, but my hand slid down his side and to his hip and I pulled him toward me, grinding his own hard length into my hip. Hoping I wasn't going to have to ask him to stop, I pushed down on the waistband of his underwear. He got the message and helped me get them off him, and then of course he pulled mine down.

He rolled back on top of me, and we met for the first time with nothing between us. He ground into me, and I pushed up into him. We kissed. My anxiety didn't spike, but it was still there. I don't know how much it would have taken to break through to me right then, but I focused on the feeling of our bodies sliding against each other. Our legs were almost tangled, and I ran my hand down his back to the swell of his behind, grabbing the firm meat and pulling him harder against me. He arched his back and pushed harder, sliding and creating friction and heat.

“Oh. Oh God, Kai,” he whispered and started to move faster. I loosened my grip and lost conscious thought of individual feelings. It was all one hazy, lusty, glorious feeling pushing through my entire being.

“Uh! Uh!” He grunted and warmth flooded between our bodies, spreading between our stomachs as his dick pulsed and he slowed his thrusting. “Baby,” he whispered in my ear. “Oh, Kai.”

I stroked the skin of his back down to his butt, just feeling...everything. My dick pulsed against his warm body, not really ready for things to stop. He shifted, moving a bit to one side and then his hand was on my length, and he started to stroke, kissing me and jerking my dick with his own cum as lube. I was done inside a minute, spraying hard enough to hit my chin.

He gently pressed down on my hard, pulsing dick while he kissed me gently, moving his hand to cup my balls, and kissing me again. Then he moved, tilting his forehead to meet mine. I imagined his blue eyes looking down at me, trying to meet my gaze.

“Are you okay, Kai?”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I think...better than okay.”

He shifted again and nibbled my ear. “I love you so much.”

“I-”

He pushed my head with his face and spoke into my ear. “I don't want you to say it. I want you to hear me. I love you. So much.”

I heard him. Better, I felt it.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

The week was busy. We were taking the cupboard doors off, stripping and sanding them and doing the same to the frames. It was sometimes tedious but for the most part was okay between Lys and his grandparents. I texted my dad a little, just to let him know I was okay. Lys and I talked a little more about college and about how those are long-term things we should talk about sooner. I learned some stuff about carpentry, as I'd never really done the kind of work we were doing. His grandfather knew a lot of things and was happy to share.

We didn't fool around every night, though we did more often than not. We definitely cuddled, and I enjoyed his warmth pushed up beside me when I woke up. I guess some people might have been thinking we'd be taking the next step, sexually, whatever that might be – but I'm still doing things one step at a time. I'm getting used to the idea and the feel of him against me, and I want that time. I want to enjoy this moment before we do something else, even if it's just as good.

I think cuddling – just holding someone – doesn't get the credit it should. Yeah, I can get bricked up when I hold him, but a lot of times he just feels good. I feel good holding him. I feel like I belong, like I'm in the right space – with or without clothes. I felt guilty, sometimes, that my mom was reaching for something like this, but paid an awful price.

It was like that song Lys liked so much – and I wanted something just like this. He didn't have to be a hero or superhuman, he just had to give me the room to be myself while he kept being who he was; and who he is...is pretty wonderful.

Spring hit, and I went ahead and joined Lacrosse – after all, it was senior year, and what was I going to do when I couldn't play anymore? Lys and I hung out with Shell, who still kept saying she couldn't believe we didn't tell her, and Kent, who seemed happy to have us around. Instead of three friends we were now four, and I have to say, Kent seems like a decent guy. I mean, I kind of thought so before, but now that we were spending a little time together, I got a better sense of him.

I talked to my therapist about how things were going with Lys and how I felt like I had a base to work from with him. I think I kind of felt lost after my mom died, and I just...I know my dad was there, but somehow it felt like a given. I didn't appreciate him enough, and in some way I'd needed validation from someone else, someone different who also loved me.

School was a little up and down. Lys was right – some people had to say stuff just because. I'll admit the first week or two was on and off as far as my anxiety. I kept reminding myself other people don't get to write my story – I decide who I am.

We graduated in June, and I hung up some of our pictures with my mom. I didn't see her in my head like I had, not as much. Not dead in her room. It still hurt, but it was better. Maybe you never really heal from something like that. The best you can do is let it scar over and try to make whatever peace you can. In July Lys and I went to the grave site, so I could introduce them. I talked to her, with him a foot or so behind me at first. It might have been weird, but I had things to say to her. Apologies. Some anger. Wishing things could have been different. I told her I was in love, and I wished she were there to see it, to see Lys.

She'd have loved him, too.

Most of the summer was working and hanging out with our friends. Lys and I got some personal time in, of course, but we continued to just do what seemed good in the moment.

“I was looking at apartment prices,” Lys said to me one morning. We were talking over video chat, and I was getting ready for work.

“Yeah? You really thinking about it?”

“I'm kind of torn,” he said. “On the one hand, I want to be responsible with the money from my grandparents. I know they said I should basically have fun and spend it while I'm young, and having an apartment where I get to see you all the time would be great...but bro, these things are stupid expensive, and I keep thinking I'd be wasting the money in a way.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I looked, too. Prices are jacked.”

“I did find this one, though. I think it's something we should consider.”

I stopped and looked at him. “We? You seriously want to live with me?”

“Well. It's small. Only a one bedroom,” he said, “but it's affordable. We might be able to mostly afford it with what we make now. If I use some of the money from my grandparents, we could make it pretty easy.”

I lifted my phone so I could look at him. “Let's talk after I get out of work.”

“Uh, well, I was kind of hoping you could call out?”

“Call out?” I asked, a little confused.

“Yeah,” he said, his tone changing as he stepped into my room with a coffee tray. Hanging up the phone and giving me a sheepish grin, he said, “It's a really good deal. My mom agrees, though she thinks I'm being stupid.”

“Financially, you mean?” I asked, accepting the coffee.

Tossing the tray on my desk, he shook his head. “No. She thinks I'm only doing this to move in with you.”

I smiled. “Is she wrong?”

“A little,” he said. “It's a big reason. But...my mom and I aren't the closest. Living together grates on both of us. She's talking about charging me rent even while I'm in school, so I really wouldn't be saving money by living at home or not as much as I could.”

I nodded and sipped my coffee. “I'm worried about my dad being alone.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “This apartment is only a few miles from here. It's two miles from the college, so we could walk if the weather is nice, and it's easy to get back to your dad's place.”

I thought for a moment.

“Will you come look at it with me? Please?”

“I want to...I just worry about my dad being alone.”

“Okay, I get that. Maybe...split time?”

I hesitated and then nodded. “Okay. Let me call in and we'll go.”

I called my supervisor and told them I had to call out, then I asked Lys to give me a second and went to find my dad. He was in the living room watching a baseball game on TV and folding some laundry.

“Hey, Dad? Got a minute?”

He lowered the volume and looked up at me. “Uh oh. Andy and Kai – this looks like trouble. Since you're both here it's not bail money, and I'm sure neither of you is pregnant, so it can't be too bad.”

“You're funny,” I told him and sat on the arm of the couch. “Lys and I were going to go look at an apartment. Lys ran the numbers, and he thinks it's comfortably doable.”

“Oh yeah? Sure, I can come look with you,” he said and got up. “Let me go get my pants on. I don't know how you kids go everywhere in sweatpants these days.” He got up and went to his room, and I looked at Lys.

“Uh. Not what I meant.”

Lys widened his eyes at me and smiled. “Well. I mean, he's probably had an apartment before, right? Maybe what I'm seeing is too good to be true?”

Dad reentered the room and grabbed his keys. “Okay. I really do hate my car, so let's take yours, Andy.” We piled in and headed over. Dad asked, “How did you hear about this place?”

“Believe it or not, my mom,” Lys said with a laugh. “She had this friend over – they were just day drinking – and she said this friend of hers had an apartment building over his office. I guess he had the space converted in the top of the building. I guess he's pretty reasonable.”

“Can't believe your mom was for you moving out,” I said.

“Oh, she's not!” Lys said with a laugh. “When I asked her friend for more information, Mom was all 'You can live here and pay rent – you don't have to give it to a stranger'!”

My jaw dropped. “How'd you get the information then?”

“I asked when my mom went to the bathroom.”

“Nice,” I said, laughing.

We pulled up in front of a dated building. The bottom held an office space for legal preparation or something, but above you could see some windows awkwardly poking out from the curved roof on the side of the building. I walked into the business with Lys and over to a middle-aged lady, who smiled professionally.

“Hi. I called earlier about the apartment? I spoke to Ken.”

“Oh, you're Lysander then?”

“Yep.”

“Okay,” she said. “Here's the key – he'll be right up. Just go along the left hand side of the building and take the stairs up. It's unit four, on the end.”

“Okay, thank you,” Lys replied and accepted the key. We went out and dangled the keys toward dad, and trooped upstairs. Opening the door, I realized this apartment was on the end and as such the door wasn't facing the front of the building, but rather the end. I opened the door, not expecting much, and I wasn't overly disappointed. The kitchen was just as you entered on the left, a small sink and apartment sized fridge with a tiny bit of counter space to either side of the sink. The bathroom door was just to the right, and then the space opened into the living room. There were sliding glass doors looking over the parking lot on the right end of the building, with a tiny balcony you may be able to stand on, but I don't think you could fit a chair on. Maybe a stool.

There was one small bedroom with a closet door, but probably not room for more than a bed and nightstand.

“Well, it's got some nice natural light,” Dad said, walking around. He glanced at me. “Any utilities included?”

“Water, but that's it.”

“Well, not surprising. Did they – oh, hi.”

A older man, swelling in the middle and with thinning sandy-colored hair smiled and gave us a tiny wave. “Hi there. I'm Ken. We spoke on the phone. Lysander?”

“That's me.”

“Nice to meet you. This your dad?”

“His boyfriend's – that's my son, but I'll claim this one for now,” he said, shaking hands with Ken.

Ken shook hands with Lys and me and spread his hands. “Well, this is it. We put in the four apartments after we bought the building, just because there is such a shortage in town. We try to keep things reasonable for rent, but I have to be clear that we don't allow pets.” He rolled his eyes. “You'd be surprised the amount of damage a couple of ferrets can do. Cute but....”

“Is there parking? Any idea what the utilities run?” Dad asked.

“Yep. I brought a copy up with me,” he said, reaching into his back pocket. “The girl that lived here wasn't home a lot, so take that with a grain of salt.”

Dad looked the numbers over while Ken pointed out the features of the apartment. “Oh. Young couple moved in next door just last week. The one is a hell of a cook. You ever hear of Pupusas?”

I stared. “No. I mean. Weird word.”

“Yeah. They are tasty as all hell though. If you smell something good cooking, you should definitely introduce yourself,” Ken said. “Claudio, I think his name was. Rion was his boyfriend's name. You might get on with them.”

Dad looked at each of us with a raised eyebrow and then turned back to Ken. “How long has the apartment been up for rent?”

“It hasn't gone up officially yet,” Ken replied. “The girl that was here had this work thing going. She had a dream job, was kind of on the hook, so we went week to week with her at the end. I was going to list it next week.”

“Oh, wow. I was wondering, what made you convert these into apartments? I mean you mentioned housing scarcity, but that's a lot of headache – being a landlord I mean.”

Ken smiled and made a coughing noise. “My husband and I used to run a short term home for boys in the foster system. Kind of like a group home. We had more than a few kids, but the last one just touched us in so many ways.” He sighed. “But he also broke us in many ways. We still see him, and he's happy now. Married to his high school sweetheart – a man who knows how to deal with him. But...” He glanced around. “It's nice to be able to offer something affordable to people in need.” He shrugged. “It helps pay the taxes on the building and does a good thing.”

We looked around, pacing the space in the bedroom and opening cupboards. A tenant at the end of the hall called out and asked if that was Ken, so he went down to talk with them. Kai's dad crossed his arms and leaned against the tiny kitchen counter. “So? What are we thinking?”

I looked at Lys and then back to dad. “Well, the price seems right, I guess. It has some advantages. I guess, though, we should probably pass. Save the money.”

Dad smiled. “What money? Okay, okay – Andy, what do you think?”

He glanced at me, a bit dejected. “Well, I like it. It's affordable, but a strain for one person in school full time. I'm not sure about doing this without Kai.”

“Kai? Setting income aside for a moment, any other thoughts?”

I glanced at Lys and then looked back to dad. “Well. It's been you and me for a while and....”

He smiled at me. “I'm okay. I have my grief counseling and...okay, look.” He held up a hand to us. “I think this is a good thing. Let's say I'll pay Kai's half of the rent if Kai comes home three nights a week for dinner, and you join him at least twice. That way I see my kid, he can be sure I'm still okay – everybody gets what they need.”

I shook his head. “Dad, I can pay for-”

“You could, but it'd hurt. You worked a lot this summer, but you'd have some food expenses, you just got your car, and who knows what that thing will cost you – beyond insurance and general maintenance.” He shrugged. “You can always come home if Andy's as big a slob as you say he is.”

“Hey,” Lys said, leaning into me.

“I'll give you guys a minute to talk,” he said and went down the hall, presumably to talk to Ken.

“What do you really think?” Lys asked.

“I hate the idea of taking his money for rent,” I admitted. “But...seeing him a few nights a week and waking up with you every day is a lot.”

Our song triggered in my head as Lys said, not quite singing the lyric, “How much you wanna risk?”

The corner of my mouth pulled up in a smile. “I want something just like this.”

“Hey, you skipped the kissing line. That's the important one,” Lys said, laughing happily.

“Oh, you're getting kissed,” I said and followed through.