Young, Gay and Scared - 11. Chapter 11

11.1

It took some time for Ryan to recover after Tommo’s funeral. The days turned into weeks and the weeks to months and still the pain persisted. On the first anniversary of their friend’s death, the three boys and his parents visited the boy’s grave and collectively vowed to keep his memory alive. It wasn’t so much how he’d died but the circumstances that led to Tommo taking the only way out – well, as he saw it, the only way out. Of course, Ryan lived with his own secret, and his mind kept recalling Tommo’s plaintive plea.

Surprisingly, he enjoyed school. By the beginning of year ten, he felt comfortable being at The Grammar School; he’d made friends, his athletic ability improved, and he even started to feel relaxed about his secret. He’d turned sixteen and had to face the first major exam, the Intermediate Certificate, at year’s end. All was well, except;

Jim, Jimmy, Jimbo.

Their attraction hadn’t waned, and the more they both tried to ignore what was happening, the harder it became. It didn’t help, when their athletic status forced a certain intimacy at training and in the showers. Of course, he was able to relieve sexual pressure with Gus, and as he grew older with hyperactive hormones, he welcomed his regular visits to the caravan.

He marvelled how considerate Gus was and enjoyed experimenting with various foreplays. After the first hesitant beginnings, Ryan found he enjoyed the ‘passive’ role more than the ‘active’ and this suited them both. One exercise really turned him on.

It was a warm Saturday, so when he arrived he found Gus lying on the covers, naked except for a pair of boxers.

“Well now, guess who it is; my little fuck-buddy looking, I must say really juicy. All this running and training has made you into a beautiful young man; look, me cock’s saying hello. C’mon here sexy.”

Without hesitation Ryan tantalizingly undressed, allowing Gus to drool over his maturing body. When naked, he crawled onto the bed and laid himself atop Gus. Kissing his mentor deeply, he gyrated his pelvis so that the two painfully erect penises rubbed against each other. Soft groans and a responsive pelvis signalled that Gus was in rapture. Ryan gazed fondly at his mentor as waves of intense pleasure consumed him. A gentle kiss and he could feel his climax . . .

“Stop, baby, stop; like you I’m close but I want to try something else on you. Here, lie back down on your back.”

Curious, Ryan did as requested and lay on his back, marvelling at the strong muscled frame of the older boy. In his late teens, Gus’s body gleamed with health and great muscle structure. He wasn’t handsome, he wasn’t pretty to look at, but from the tip of his head down to both big toes, he exuded masculinity. In a fast move, he grabbed Ryan’s left leg and started suckling the big toe. Ryan reacted instantly,

“Oh my god, Oh, Oh that’s incredible, Oh shit, please, please . . .”

Gus now had Ryan twisting and panting in ecstasy. His cock leaked, and he seemed to be in perpetual climax; then Gus started on his other leg. It was complete sexual agony, a feeling of extreme pleasure. Such was his need he pleaded for his partner to let him reach orgasm. But Gus wasn’t finished. In one deft movement, he used a slickened finger to penetrate Ryan and stroked his prostate.

“Oh man, oh shit, harder . . . harder, I can’t hold back I’m co . . ..”

His cock jerked, and a shot of semen erupted, splashing Ryan’s torso, followed by another, then another, and another . . . till he shuddered and settled back into the bedding, panting as his climax abated.

“Fuck! (Gus shook his head in wonder) where did all that juice come from? You almost drowned in yer own cum. (Moving up so his own shaft was in reach of Ryan’s mouth) Now It’s your turn; watching you cum has made me feral. Please . . .”

Without further invitation, Ryan swallowed Gus, and within seconds the older boy erupted into the youngster’s mouth. Drained and satiated they snuggled side by side.

“That was incredible Gus, how ‘d ya learn to do that. You found another erotic zone I didn’t know existed; I can’t wait for the next time.”

“Anytime, boyo, anytime. (Pause) Say how d’yer still feel about yer mate, Tommo? It’s coming up to another anniversary; do yer still have trouble remembering?”

“(Sadly and thoughtfully) Yes, yes I do. I’ll always remember him, (long pause) particularly his plea that I never let on I’m a homo. (Both boys stayed silent) I don’t know if I can do that Gus, as I get older I’m coming to accept who and what I am. I can’t live in the closet forever. Any helpfulls?”

“Nah; look at some stage you’re gonna want to tell someone, particularly someone ya might want to settle down with. Ya can’t avoid who you are; no one can. You’ve turned sixteen and got yer whole life ahead of you. Look, yer gonna make some mistakes, and perhaps deal with some shit, emotional shit I mean, so ya gotta make yerself strong enough to handle any abuse, physical or otherwise. Look, I reckon I’m sorta yer big brother, with benefits (they both burst into laughter at the thought – no matter how true it was) so I reckon you should take up a martial arts course, so that if’n anyone hassles ya, ya can fight back. Believe me, no one will mix it with you if’n they gets stomped on. They’ll respect you. Do yer think you can do that?”

‘Hey, that’s terrific! I can do that. Grammar school has a class for Kung Fu if that’s what it’s called. I can easily take that course, easy peasy. That’s a great idea and, thank you Gus, I mean it. What about you, is that what you did?”

“Yep, got me a Brown belt in Judo; next step is the Black belt. Coupla times hetero's have tried to get physical, but after I laid some of them out, they stopped hassling me. Believe me, every homo should do a Judo course, I’d make it mandatory.”

“(Changing the subject) You know we’ve always talked about me, I don’t know anything about you, family, friends or even enemies. Care to talk?”

“Nah, not really, but I’ll try and give you the general picture. Me dad’s a farmer up north country and times were hard. I got two brothers, one older the other younger. We were preparing to take over the farm when the old man retired, and I’ll tell ya Ryan, I loved it. Loved the life, loved bein’ out in the open, loved being with animals, and of course loved me old man. I knew I was a homo from early on and were terrified of anyone finding out. You know what I’m talking about. (Ryan nodded) Anyways we hired a farm hand, mixed blood and he and I just about fell into each other’s arms. I was so bloody naive. Well, as luck would have it, me elder brother sprung us in an athletic position, told Dad, and I was kicked out. Came down to the city, and well, here I am. End of story.”

“Do yer miss ‘em?”

“Every day. But me old man’s was brought up with the bloody bible and t’him I’m just a dirty sinner. Nuthin I can do about it. I think I could get on with me mum and me younger brother, but my eldest - names Ray - won’t have a bar o’ me.”

Ryan became very thoughtful, and then,

“What about you and me Gus, does yer think we could buddy up and live together. I like ya a lot and the thoughts crossed me mind at times. What do . . .”

“I’m flattered, but you’ve gotta lot of growing up before you’ll want to settle down. Who’s to say, maybe in another ten years things’ll be different, how about we wait till then, eh? But thanks anyway. How’s things at home?

“Same old, same old. Me dad’s started to booze heavily, and I gets worried he might do some harm to me mum. Gawd that woman’s got a tongue on her. I don’t understand women. Because they’se can’t be hit they can use any spiteful language without any consequences. It’s sorta cowardly. Man, some of the things she calls him are downright awful. Yells, I really mean yells, that he’s only got a tiny cock, got no backbone and such. What can a bloke do? It ain’t fair. “

“Geeze, she said that, told the world his cock’s tiny. Gawd I’d flatten any sheila who broadcast that. I feel sorry fer your dad, but there ain’t nuthin he can do – except leave her. How would you feel about that?”

“Bring it on! At least then I could have a decent relationship with both of ‘em. If they were apart there’d be no tension, so I reckon it’d be good. Yeah, I’d like that, and I’m sure me Gran agrees with it too.”

“But didn’t you say she’s churchy and a good Catholic. Don’t that go against them Catholics teaching?”

“Maybe, but whoever wrote those rules didn’t have to live with two people who hate each other. I wish this Jesus bloke could spend a week at my place; he’d soon change the rules I’m sure.”

“(Laughing) Ryan sometimes you just crack me up. Yer too wise fer you’re age. I guess that’s why I like ya.”

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11.2

1.

Towards the end of Year ten Ryan, along with other boys, faced the upcoming Intermediate Certificate exam. This was a milestone in the lives of all schoolboys in the nineteen fifties because from there they went on to finish year twelve and subsequently to University. For those leaving school after the Intermediate to join the workforce, it was almost impossible to eventually enter University.

Ryan looked forward to University and would do what most low-income families do - work to pay Uni fees. For some reason Veterinary School appealed to him, so he began to prepare in advance for the course. Strangely, it was Gus who encouraged him. With his knowledge of farming, he counselled Ryan in Animal Husbandry and other aspects of farm life. Gus was keen because he’d planned to do the same course until his dad kicked him out. Gus taught well, and in no time Ryan began to look forward to Uni. Their friendship was sort of unusual; Gus became a teacher not only in pleasure but also to ensure the boy had an easy entrance into University.

On his way home from school one day, Ryan found a young puppy who looked homeless. He’s always longed to have a dog but was thwarted by his mother, who declared she didn’t want to have such a dirty creature anywhere near her house. This continued until he was sixteen when on finding the puppy he decided ‘to hell with her’ and brought the puppy home. Predictably his mother ranted and raved but shut up when both his father and Nanna supported Ryan’s determination. The pup captured everyone’s hearts, even grudgingly his mother, and soon became a family member. With the dog as a live specimen, Gus taught Ryan all about canine anatomy and much fun was had trying to still a squirming animal whilst Gus pointed out various anatomical features

Oh, what was the dog’s name? Why ‘Gus’ of course.

The exams came and went. As with all students everywhere, Ryan compared his performance with others and concluded he’d done well, if not extremely well. If he dedicated himself over the coming two years, his entry to Uni was assured. Enthusiastic and happy, he and Gus explored what jobs he could take to pay for University and settled on a short list. At one time he saw Gus’s eyes grow misty and understood why. In a way this motivated him; he was going to do what had been denied to Gus.

He began to notice that, whilst the arguments at home continued, of late they seemed to be heating up. The curses, name-calling, insults, and threats moved into a new level. On sunny days, to get away, Ryan would load up with reading material – anything on Animal Husbandry - and go to his secret spot in the bush. There he was able to increase his knowledge without all the distracting crap.

On a Sunday, two weeks after his exam, they sat down to the usual Sunday dinner. He sensed a certain tension.

“Hey Nan, how was Mass this morning. Did Father O’Brian vomit his usual crap?”

“Now Ryan don’t you go talking about a priest like that. Just because you’re growing up doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectable. I didn’t want to say anything, but before your exams started I went and lit a candle, praying for you to do well. From what you say, my prayers have been answered.”

“(Laughing) Oh that’s rich, are you telling us that your precious God helped the poor lad. That’s hilarious. I should call the cops and tell them Jesus is helping my son cheat. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, swear out a complaint.”

“For heaven’s sake Bill, leave your twisted mind out of this. We have more pressing problems to talk about.”

Pressing? Problems? Something ain’t right.

The rest of the lunch went quietly; Ryan could sense tension in the air; more than usual tension. Suddenly, Merle dropped her knife and fork with a clatter. Ryan jumped.

“This is ridiculous, I don’t agree with what you’re doing and I certainly object to both of you being such cowards. Tell the boy!”

“(Alarmed) Tell me what Nan? What’s going on?”

Merle ignored Ryan and just glared at Bill and Clare. Neither said anything, they just stared at their dinner plates.

“(Really scared) Will someone please tell me what’s going on, yer making me scared. If it’s about the dog, I promise I’ll keep him outta the house. If he . . .”

“(Angry) no, it’s not about little Gus, Ryan, your parents want you to leave the Grammar school at the end of the year. Seems they can’t afford the fees any longer. Hrrummph!

“(Concerned) Is that it? Is that what yer being so secretive about. Am I gonna have to leave school because ya can’t afford to pay the fees?”

“(Merle responded with disgust) Seems your father has been made to work part-time, so there’s less money coming in. For heaven’s sake, will either one of you have the guts to talk to the boy and tell him what you decided behind his back!”

‘There’s no need to talk like that mother, I’ll . . .”

‘Bullshit! Talk . . .”

“Ryan, language.”

“(Hostile) Bullshit my language. Nan’s just said I can’t continue at me school because you’se can’t afford the fees anymore. Is that true!”

“Well, that’s not exactly how I’d put it, because . . .”

“(Close to tears) For Christ’s sake, and don’t give me that language shit, talk to me you gutless wonders. And you (addressing his father) how come they put you on part-time? Is it because yer drunk most times and yer boss took pity on ya, instead of firing ya, he put you part-time. Right?”

“See the boys intelligent, he knows what’s going on. I hate what you two are doing, my grandson’s got more spunk in him than you give him credit.”

Spunk? In me? How did she find that out? She been sniffing me undies?

“(Crying softly) Ya can’t do this t ‘me. I got mates I care about, real good friends that likes me and I like them. I’ve just signed up for a Jujitsu course that I wanna finish. There’s gotta be some way to get extra money. How about I get a night job that’ll go some way to pay the fees. Please mum, please Dad, this is important to me because I really want to go to Uni. I dream of being a vet and look after animals. Please, please!”

Now the silence was deafening. Eventually,

“Ryan I know how difficult this is for you, but we have to face facts as a family. There isn’t enough money coming in for you to continue at school. I hoped you would be reasonable . . .”

“(Tears were streaming down his face) Reasonable mother? You want me to be reasonable? You and that misfit yer married to have gone and settled me life without asking me. That’s really rotten. Both of yer should be ashamed. (Pause) So that’s that eh? I gotta leave Grammar and go to Manly High to finish school. Why the fuck . . .”

“Ryan! . . .”

“(Sob) I don’t care If’n yer don’t like me shitty language. You and him deserve it! Why the fuck did you send me to Grammar if you couldn’t afford the fees? Why, why?”

“I wanted you to mix with decent boys, not the riffraff that goes to Manly High. I was right wasn’t I, you’ve met some nice boys and made friendships that you never would have at the local school. I was right wasn’t I.”

“Oh, listen to yourself Clare. I warned you about the boy going to an expensive school, but your social climbing bullshit . . .

Geeze I never heard me Nan swear before. Go girl, gawd I love the old bat!

. . . has gone and harmed your own son. Shame on you. Shame!”

“Don’t you dare criticize me, mother. All I did was try to give my son a better life, to see how proper people act, and to make the right friends. What’s wrong with that?”

“Oh, you’re impossible. Now Ryan I know you’re upset and rightly so. Let’s hear from you. How do you feel?”

(Teary-eyed) feel Nan? I feel rotten, but no one’s gonna stop me going to Uni and becoming a vet. I’ll just have to do my final exams with Manly High. I suppose I know Bluey and Geoff next door and that’ll ease the pain, but no one, I repeat no one is gonna bust me dream.”

At that, his Grandmother began to cry. Long deep sobs wracked her frame, she sobbed inconsolably. It seemed she’d been controlling herself for a long time; Ryan’s last statement just broke the dam. Ryan was mortified,

“Nan, Nan, oh my gawd, what’d I say. Oh, please Nan don’t cry, please . . . (sob) please, I’m sorry Nan what did I say. I’m stupid I know. Please stop crying Nan, yer the last person in the whole world that I’d want to hurt. I’m so sorry nan.”

Eventually, her crying gave way to sniffles and she spoke to Ryan whilst looking harshly at her daughter.

“They’re lying to you grandson. They don’t even want you to go to Manly High, they want you to leave school permanently. They need you to earn money to make up the difference in your wretched father’s pay. You’re being sacrificed, boy and I can’t take it any longer. I’m going to live with your uncle, I don’t want to look at these two pathetic parents who unfortunately happen to be your pathetic parents.”

A cold wave of despair swamped Ryan as his grandmother's words sunk in. No, it couldn’t be true. No, no, no! But neither of his parents rebutted Merle’s words.

The ensuing silence was profound. Ryan was too shocked to cry; instead, cold anger embraced him. Now both his parents were confronted with two pairs of hostile eyes.

Silence, except for Merle’s sniffles.

“(Coldly) tell me it isn’t true . . . tell me you’re not going to sacrifice my life, my future, my dreams just because my father is a drunkard?”

“Don’t you dare talk about your father like that. This family is in financial crisis and we’re all expected to pool our resources so that food can be put on the table and the rent paid. You’re lucky young man that you’ve got a roof over your head, a place to sleep, and food to eat. Many kids don’t have that, boyo. There’s a lot worse off than you. All we’re asking is that you leave school two years early and help out. I can’t see anything wrong with that, if you do then you’re an inconsiderate child.”

“(Hostile) What! You’re calling me inconsiderate, me. You! you sit there all righteous like, after killing my dreams and call me inconsiderate. How dare you! How dare you! And here’s another thought; what about you? Why can’t you get a job and bring in the extra cash? What’s wrong with that?”

“(Aghast) you want me to go to work . . .”

“That’s what the boys saying, Clare. It’s the only time I’ve agreed with your mother. What’s wrong with you going to work eh?”

“Oh, I get it now, you're all ganging up on poor me (sounds of disgust came from Merle) if I went to work, who’d keep the house clean, wash and iron your clothes, cook the meals, and do the shopping. Who, who, eh?”

“Me, . . . I get home from school about three p.m. I could do the shopping and put the clothes in the washer. I could even, with Gran’s help, prepare the evening meal. You’ve got all weekend to clean the house, and we’d all help of course.”

“(Merle jumped in triumphantly) There, that’s what I’ve been saying all along, and the lad’s just repeated almost word for word what I’ve been saying.”

“And for what it’s worth, Merle’s right. You’re just being callous to your son. (Looking at Ryan) the real reason son is that she doesn’t want to give up her Wednesday afternoon tennis circle, or her Monday card group, or the Friday bingo. Not to mention the gossip clique.”

“Oh, that’s horrid, that’s awful to say that’s the only reason I can’t . . .”

“. . . won’t.”

“. . . go to work. Besides, I don’t have any skills. I’ve given my life for this family, trying to be a good wife and mother. I don’t have any education, I can’t type, and am bad at sums. No, I cannot get a job, so that’s an end to it. Surely, Ryan you don’t want to see your mother in this predicament?”

“Yes . . . yes, I do.”

“How dare you show disrespect to your mother. I brought you into this world so at least you owe me respect. I’m your mother.”

This outburst had everyone staring at her in disbelief. It was all crap, she knew it, as did they all.

Ryan just sat bewildered. An hour ago, he had the world at his feet, now an hour later his whole world collapsed. It was so sudden and cruel that . . . he vomited. Bits of undigested chicken were sprayed all over the table, cutlery, and most significantly, his mother. He continued to retch, the smell being extremely unpleasant. Everyone was shocked. Suddenly Ryan left the table and headed for the bathroom still retching.

No one wanted dessert.

Back in his room Ryan crawled into bed and pulled the cover right over his head. He was so upset he couldn’t cry. Just then a warm body deposited itself next to him and pulled the cover exposing his head. It was Merle.

“C’mon lad, have a good cry with me. I can’t abide what your parents are doing. I’m ashamed of your mother. There’s’ nothing to prevent her getting a job and like you said, we could all share the load if need be. I just don’t understand her anymore. Look, don’t be too hard on your father. I know he’s a loser, but deep down he’s got a kind heart. He shouldn’t of married your mother, she needs someone to be strong with her; your dad’s too easy-going. She needs a firm hand that’s what. I love you Ryan, of all my grandkids you’re my favourite. I hurt so much that you can’t fulfil your dream and become a Vet. Truth is I’ve saved up a little money, not much, but enough to help out with your Uni. We’ll work through this somehow.”

“Nan, I love you so much I reckon I’ll burst. Why are you so good and my mother so bad? Don’t ever leave me, Nan, I couldn’t live without you, promise me!”

“(Sigh) I wish I could promise you lad, but we’ve all got to go at some stage. No one lives forever. Come here, let me cuddle you like I did when you were little.”

With that, Merle lifted the cover and slid in beside Ryan. It brought back memories . . .”

“Yer not gonna read me Irish History are ya Nan?”

“(laughing) No, not today, I just want you to understand you’re not alone. What happened out there was so bad I myself did a bit of bawling, Sake’s alive, I haven’t cried for years. I’m really upset lad, I understand what a shock this has been.”

“Yeah, I still can’t . . .”

Clare poked her head into Ryan’s room.

“Ryan, mother, have you seen your father?”

“No, last I saw him was at the table. I got up just after Ryan was sick. Why?”

“I can’t find him.”

“What about outside, he might be in the garden. Try there.”

“Oh, Ok I will.”

“(Stroking Ryan’s head) Don’t try to make any plans Ryan, give yourself time to adjust. For my part, I don’t want you to give up your dream. (outside came calls of ‘Bill’, ‘Bill’) I’ve been doing some thinking and might have an answer. Not going to say anything just now, because I want to check some things out. Just remember I’m on your side and we’ll find a way through this mess.”

“Thanks Nan. It’s just good to know I’m not alone. I feel so . . . so, devastated, it’s as if my whole world collapsed around me.”

“Yep, that I can understand . . .”

Then his mother started to scream,

“(Scream) BILL! Oh my god, (long scream) BILL.”

Both Grandmother and grandson jumped at the urgency of Clare’s scream. She came rushing in, screaming,

“RYAN QUICK, your fathers locked himself in the laundry and turned the gas on. HE’S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF, PLEASE RYAN HURRY, he won’t come out; you’ll have to break the door down. Hurry!”

Both Ryan and Merle jumped out of bed and headed for the laundry room which was outside and attached to the house. Frantic with worry, Ryan banged on the door and shouted,

“Dad, dad, please dad open the door, please dad, open up please.”

No answer, . . .. so, Ryan repeated his entreaty. No sound. There was only one thing to do. He stepped back about four paces and crashed himself into the door. It wouldn’t budge. Thinking quickly, he raced into the garage and returned with an axe. After several chops, he had a hole wide enough to put his hand through and open the door.

His father was lying with his mouth against the gas copper from which raw gas was gushing forth. Dragging him outside, without thinking he yelled,

“QUICK, CALL AN AMBULANCE, HURRY!. I’ll give him R&R[1]. that I learnt at school for just something like this.”

He saw that his dad was still breathing so they had a chance. Immediately he went into R&R routine and kept at it until he heard the ambulance arrive. Luckily, he’d saved his father just in time. After that, everything was a blur.

The ambos came with paramedics and soon had Bill Seaton stable. Almost an anti-climax, they bundled him into the ambulance and sped to hospital. The activity, on a quiet Sunday afternoon drew many curious neighbours. They gathered in front of the gate and gossiped amongst themselves, and the news spread fast. Inside the house, turmoil rained.

Whilst Clare Seaton wailed about how inconsiderate her husband was, Ryan began to shake, even whilst the paramedics were there. Fearing any deterioration, they injected a mild sedative which at least brought his shaking under control. Geoff hopped over the fence and called out to Ryan from the back steps. Soon, Bluey joined him, so Ryan sat with his two mates and explained what happened.

“I dunno, I guess he just decided he’d had enough. It weren’t sumthin he’d planned, cause the gas heater were not full open. If’n it had been full on, well, who knows?”

“Gawd yer looks awful Ryan, musts been a shock. Gotta hand it to ya though, seems you’ve come through Ok. I reckon I’d be a bloody mess if it were my old man. I mean as much as he’s a dickhead, he’s still me father and the boss. Sumthin must’ve really set yer dad off to make him . . . you know . . . do himself in. What happened?”

“Well, (Sigh) it’s gotta come out some time Geoff, but they’se put me dad on part-time and I gotta leave school and go to work to bring in more money. (Starting to cry) Shit, I hates it. I had me heart set on going to Uni and becoming a Vet. Now . . . well. I just can’t. Me dreams are in the shitter!”

Both boys just sat with eyes downcast. They knew how Ryan had his heart set on Uni and they felt sorry for him. There wasn’t anything they could do, so they let the silence grow.

“Well, I suppose it ain‘t the end of the world, plenty of kids are worse off than me, so’s I just gotta do best I can. Hasn’t really sunk in yet, so I’m a bit raw still. Tell yer what though, whilst we curse and bitch about our dads, it ain’t as bad as them being dead. I’d rather had a bad cunt over a dead cunt anytime.”

“Yeah, I know what’s yer saying. Whilst mine don’t beat me up, he can be pretty hard sometimes layin’ down the law. But I knows he loves me, he does.”

“Hey Geoff, what’s with Bert, he ain’t been hassling me for a few weeks now? He been to church or sumthin?”

“(Laughing) Naw, me mum gave him a real dressing down after the last time you and him . . . ahh, went biffo. Told him not to take any notice of dad and try and act grown up. Told him he’s a child and I’se more mature than him. She really socked it to him, right mad she was. Since then he’s been a goody-goody, and I loves it. She musta said sumthin to me dad because he’s been quiet and don’t fire Bert up with any shit stuff. I’d say yer won’t have trouble from big brother from now on.”

“That’s a shame, Geoff, me and Ryan here was looking forward to a biff up with yer brother. Now, what’re we gonna do?”

“Pull our puds!”

The three boys cracked up over this and laughed themselves stupid. Eventually, Ryan had to go inside, and they split up.

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11.3

Late in the afternoon Ryan and his mother made their way to the hospital. Ryan felt awkward having to confront his father, but it was necessary to talk as soon as possible. On arrival, they were directed to a special ward set up for just these circumstances. Bill Seaton would be on suicide watch until he was deemed no longer a threat to himself. All in all, an embarrassing situation.

Just as they were about to enter a nurse came up and addressed Clare Seaton.

“Excuse me ma’am but I take it you’re Mr Seaton’s wife and this young man here his son?”

“Yes, what of it. I just want to . . .”

“Ahh, Mr Seaton has asked for you to wait here; he only wants to talk to his son, Ryan. I’m sorry, but I’m only relaying his instructions. As you can appreciate, we need Mr Seaton to have only rest and quiet, we don’t want him upset. Sorry, Ma’am.”

“WHAT! I’m his wife and I will see my husband. He has no idea the problems and worry he’s caused and needs to know what he’s done to me. I will see him and that’s that.”

“Sorry ma’am but only his son Ryan can see Mr Seaton now. When he decides that he wants to see you I . . . we’ll let you know. Now Ryan . . . it is Ryan? (Ryan nodded) Ok, he’s been sedated and might sound a little . . .”

“HOLD ON NOW! Forget about telling my son, I’m going in to see him right NOW.”

‘(Exasperated) No, you’re not! And if you cause any more trouble I’ll call security, and have you escorted from the hospital. Now, why don’t you be a good girl and have a cup of tea in the cafeteria, which is located on the ground floor. There’s a good girl now.”

‘Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, (Reading the nurse’s name tag) nurse Gelda, . . .

“ . . . it’s Sister Gelda!”

. . . I’m going to report you to your superior and request you be terminated forthwith. You just picked on the wrong person . . .”

“(ignoring Clare) go on in Ryan, your dad . . .”

“I’m talking to you! Don’t you dare ignore me! How such a rude person . . .”

“Here Ryan, I’d better take you in now. (Turning to Clare) and you . . . shut up!”

So, Ryan and the duty sister approached Bill Seaton’s bed leaving a fuming Clare Seaton outside. His dad was looking a lot better; his face had regained some colour and he looked to be resting comfortably. An oxygen mask covered his mouth and nose, enabling him to breathe without difficulty. Spying Ryan, he removed the mask and motioned for him to sit in the chair beside the bed. For some time, father and son just looked at each other. Eventually,

“I’m told you saved my life young man. I suppose I should be grateful. I’m just sorry for you to see your dad like that. I’m really sorry Ryan for scaring you.”

“Why dad, why?”

“Yes, a good question boy. Look I just can‘t take listening to your mother any more. Sure, I’m weak, and that’s probably why she’s like she is. I don’t stand up to her and that’s my fault. Don’t be too hard on her Ryan, if she’d married a better man I’m sure she’d be more pleasant. I’m the problem Ryan, not your mum.”

“Please dad, please forgive me. I’ve said some dreadful things to you, called you names and such. I don’t agree you’re weak, that’s a wrong word, yer just easy-going that’s all. I’m the same, I don’t like arguments, and . . . and well, I’m no angel. I love you dad, when I was givin’ you R&R I was scared you were gonna die. Real scared dad, because I love you.”

“Oh, I don’t know Ryan, I haven’t been much of a father to you. I wish I was stronger and have you respect me, but . . . well, I’m not (sigh). I feel so bad about you having to go to work and make up for my weakness. It was that thought that made me do what I did. You’ve got a dream and I ruined it for you. I feel bad about that and don’t know what to do to make amends. Sorry!”

With that Ryan reached over and grabbed his father’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry for not being a better son, dad. I was so full of me own issues I didn’t give a thought to how you might be feeling. Please forgive me.”

“Nothing to forgive, boyo. You just get on with your own life and make me proud as I’m going to make you proud. (Sigh) Hopefully.”

For several minutes father and son were linked, silently holding each other’s hand. Eventually,

“Dad, why don’t you and mum split? Surely you’d both be better away from each other. Then I could come and visit with you without all the crap – ooop’s, sorry – that’s been going on. Why don’t you? I reckon you’d be a lot happier than what you are now.”

“Yes, you’re right. I want to do that, but your Mothers afraid of the social stigma divorce means. She just won’t agree to a separation let alone divorce. And anyway, I have no place to go. We’re just low-income battlers Ryan, and although it sucks we just have to grin and bear it.”

“Don’t see much grinning lately, just misery.”

Just then the sister came in and cut short the visit. As she led Ryan away, he turned and said loudly,

“Hey dad, I love you very much, I’m proud to be yer son!”

<><><><>

11.4

“ . . . so, that’s it then, I can’t go back to school, not even Manly High, I gotta find a job much like you did when you were sixteen. Going to Uni is just not possible. I hate it, Gus, really hate it. It’s not fair that I haveta get a job and my bloody mother gets to keep her tennis, cards and gossiping.”

“Oh fuck, that’s awful, bloody rotten. I’ve never met the woman, but I don’t believe yer mum is a very nice person. Surely, she wants the best for ya, I mean that’s what mothers are for. Look even my mum still gets in touch and assures me she loves me. It’s not her that’s the problem, it’s me puritanical old man – and that arsehole of a big brother. What are ya gonna do?”

Ryan dreaded telling Gus about Uni and such. Gus became excited thinking about Ryan going to Uni and learning to be a Vet. Now, it all seemed impossible and he couldn’t hide his disappointment.

“Jesus Ryan I don’t want you to end up like me, (Ryan went to interrupt but Gus shook his head) no, I gotta say this; all ya can get is dead-end jobs like delivering the post. I ain’t got any prospects but was keen to help you get through Uni. This is shittin’ awful!”

“I know, but there ain’t nuthin I can do. Me leaving school was the reason me dad tried to top himself, and I don’t wanna be too hard on him.”

“By the way, how is he? When’s he coming home, or is he coming home? I reckon he should ditch yer mother because she’s only gunna get worse, not better. Surely he’d be happier leaving the woman.”

“Yeah, I know. I asked him that same question, and all he could say that he couldn’t afford to leave me mum. Y’see, we’re sorta poor and with him only working part time he couldn’t afford the upkeep she’d demand on him. His only alternative is to stay with her and somehow ignore her bitchin’.”

“That just ain’t gunna work, boyo. He knows she’s got him by the balls and she knows it. How‘d you feel when he said he’s weak?”

“I don’t reckon he is weak. Nope, he’s just a bloke that’s easy-going. I mean he’s got lottsa friends, folks like him, and I reckon a few barmaids would like to get in his pants. Oh shit! I shouldn’t be sayin’ such things.”

“Hey yer with me now boyo, you can say what ya like. You don’t have to be defensive about yer dad, it’s what yer feels for him that’s important. So how do yer feel?”

“Since we talked, and I held his hand in the hospital I feel different. I mean he’s just a guy, a simple bloke like me and somehow we just came closer. It were good..”

“Ok, but now let’s talk about you. Have you thought about doing yer Leaving Exam going to night school? It’s a toughie but you can go to a local Tech College and study fer yer Exam there. Don’t give up laddie, kept yer options open. You passed yer Intermediate in good style so passing the Year twelve exam should be a breeze for ya. Am I talking rubbish?”

“NO! no yer not! Shit, why didn’t I think of that? Of course I can do that, and part of the money I earn will go to paying me Uni fees. Jesus, thanks Gus, yer a champ. Wow!”

“Hey, hey, don’t get carried away young fella. It won’t be easy and it’s gunna be hard working all day and then going to school after. You won’t get home till about ten p.m. and you’ll probably have to study on weekends when yer mates are out having a good time. But if you really want Uni, then the door’s open. Do yer want to run this by yer parents before making a decision?”

“No! it’s my life, and there’s no way they can say no to me. Both me Dad and Nanna will support me, and I’ll just ignore the woman who calls herself my mother.”

“Beaudy![2] Now it ain’t my business but I’m a bit concerned yer mothers gunna rip all yer wages off ya as soon as you start working. My advice is to only give her enough to cover yer board and food. If yer makes it clear from the get-go she ain’t gonna have all yer wages then she’ll have to live with that. Now that’ll mean standing up to her; she’ll want the lot and you’ll just have to tell her she can’t have it. Full stop!”

“Nah don’t worry, she won’t get the best of me. If I give her all me wages she’ll just keep on her merry way of socializing. She don’t know it yet but she’s gonna go to work whether she likes it or not. Jesus Gus, I feel much better talking to ya. You’ve been a real big help.”

“Well, like I said, yer more of a younger brother to me. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did boyo. You’ve become a part of me whether you like it or not.”

And so a phase in Ryan’s life ended with him facing hardships ahead. The only persons, besides himself, who knew his secret were Gus and Jim Tandara. He was constantly reminded of Tommo’s bedside entreaty. On the positive side, a new bond had been created with his father, and his friendship with Gus became stronger. Apparently, Bert Cree had been neutralized and both Geoff and Bluey remained friends. On the negative side, he was facing years of hardship in passing the Leaving Exam and then funding his Vet course at the University. Then, of course. there was his mother and the prospect of continual emotional blackmail.