Young, Gay and Scared - 19. Chapter 19

19.1

As soon as he opened the front door, a bundle of yelping, excited canine joy barrelled into him. Little Gus welcomed his master home.

“Down boy . . . hey there, ya missed me eh? Come here matey, let me pat ya and . . . no, not that Gus - boy, ya can ‘t have sex with me leg. Let go and I’ll pick you up . . . there, how’s that?”

“He missed you Ryan; he’d lay on your bed whenever he could, well whenever yer mother wasn’t watching. Fact is I’ve been walking him and we’ve become good mates. Never thought I’d enjoy a dog so much. Welcome home son.”

“Thanks dad, glad you two became good friends. As much as I missed you I also missed the little cove muchly.”

“Here, let me look at you, all grown up and feisty. The Air Force obviously agreed with you. You look different, somehow more mature than when you left.”

“Thanks Dad. I do feel a bit changed; it were good to . . .”

“Well welcome home son, I’ve missed you terribly; I’ve been so lonely without you. Just thinking about some girl doing nasty things to you has worried me so. Every boy needs his mother to protect him from the dangers of scheming young girls.”

“Hello mother . . . what the fuck are you talkin about?”

“Language! I won’t have such horrid words in this house. Seems this is a nasty habit you picked up in the army. I don’t care what you do outside but in this house you may not swear.”

“Christ Clare the lads just walked in the door after being away for six months, and all you can do is berate him. Oh and by the way, he was in the Air Force not Army.”

“Whatever. Now how about I make us a nice cup of tea and you can tell us what you’ve been up to these past six months.”

So Ryan settled down with his parents at the kitchen table and tried to brief them on life in the Air Force. Whilst his mother pretended to listen he could tell something was on her mind. He reckoned he’d find out soon enough. But his own thoughts had only one person in mind . . . Tony.

After spending two hours with his folks, Ryan headed to Tony’s place. It was only early afternoon and Tony would probably be at school, so he resolved to wait. Retrieving the key from its secret spot, Ryan let himself into the condo. The familiar surroundings caused him to smile and Tony’s unique aroma permeated through the condo brought back aching memories. He walked into the bedroom and stared at the double bed that had hosted many hours of intense lovemaking. The memory of Tony’s perfect body being intimately joined to his brought a swift response in his groin. He settled into a chair and simply waited.

He must have nodded off because he awoke to the sounds of a key turning the lock. The door swung open and there stood Tony. Still in his work outfit of cuffed pleated trousers, plain white shirt and loosened blue tie, he still managed to look gorgeous. In the past six months he’d lost a little weight but he’d replaced body mass with enhanced muscle. However, it was still Tony. With that easy smile, black hair and blue eyes, the man’s features were burned forever in Ryan’s mind. He stared at the buttons of Tony’s shirt, imagining undoing them to release the tanned muscled torso that he knew lay underneath. His mouth became dry.

And then,

“(Excited) Ryan! Ryan! Baby it’s you.”

With swift steps, the two men met each other in a crushing embrace. No words were said or indeed needed. They were lovers who had been forced to spend time away from each other and now reunited. The passion in their embrace told it’s own story. It also told of each man’s physical need for each other. Tony’s hands slid up to Ryan’s face and, cradling his head, he kissed Ryan deeply. As tongues fought for dominance and penetration, Ryan succumbed and let his lover dictate the next move.

Still co-joined at the hip, Tony grabbed the hem of Ryan’s tee shirt and gently pulled it off. Ryan’s familiar flesh and youthful aroma assaulted the older man. Now eager hands fiddled with Ryan’s belt and fly zipper, sending his trousers plummeting to the floor. In a swift movement, Ryan kicked off his shoes and the lowered trousers, standing now semi-naked in only his underwear.

“(Whispering hoarsely) Now it’s your turn lover. Quickly, I can’t wait. I want you, I need you, I must have you else I’ll go crazy.”

As he’d fanaticized, Ryan slowly undid Tony’s shirt buttons exposing the perfect tanned, hairy, muscled chest beneath. The masculine aroma of sweat and lingering deodorant sent Ryan’s senses into turmoil. First planting soft kisses on Tony’s face, he started kissing his neck, then shoulders, and finally the hairy muscled cleft on his chest. Without stopping, his lips and tongue found Tony’s right nipple and teased it. A low groan of ecstasy greeted his effort. Still suckling Tony’s nipple, Ryan divested the shirt and then turned attention to his pants. At the same time he transferred attention to Tony’s left nipple whilst sending Tony’s pants to fall on the floor. One swift movement and they both stood against each other in only their underwear.

Both men were highly aroused and trembling with sexual desire, a need that only could be quenched by physical relief.

“(Hoarsely) take me Tony, please take me. So many sleepless nights imagining your body deep inside me. Please.”

“(Huskily) Jesus Ryan sometimes I thought I’d go crazy just wanting . . . no, needing you. One thing that’s burned into my mind is the look on your face as you orgasm. Y’see as much as I need to get personal relief, my main joy is giving you pleasure. That’s what I’ve missed most. Now I have you. I have you Ryan in the flesh and I’m gonna send you to heaven. Here, put yer arms around my neck and hold on.”

With Ryan’s arms around him, Tony carried him into the bedroom. Gently removing his underwear, Tony gazed at the lad’s beautiful body. The last six months had seen the growth of new hardened muscles and his torso now bore the stamp of a mature young male advancing to succulent manhood. Seductively, Tony lowered his boxers, allowing his penis to spring free. Impatiently, Ryan grabbed hold and lined the shaft up to the entrance of his hole. At a nod from Ryan, the slippery shaft sank easily into Ryan’s body.

Both men reacted to the pleasure the penetration generated. Tony groaned and Ryan cried out in ecstasy. With Tony’s thrusts tormenting his prostrate, Ryan knew he wouldn’t last too long. In delirious joy he lay back holding Tony’s eyes and let his lover stroke him to orgasm.

Every thrust brought Ryan closer to culmination. Too soon he reached a point of no return and he simply relaxed as an orgasm consumed him. The ecstatic sensation started somewhere in his groin and travelled with maddening slowness throughout the rest of his body. It turned out to be the longest orgasm he’d ever had. About the same time Tony groaned and Ryan felt a flood of life fill him up.

The two lovers were cocooned in a pool of decadence. As slowly his orgasm abated Tony’s cock remained hard and deep inside Ryan,. Ryan had never encountered such an orgasm before; it wouldn’t stop and he lay back sexually comatose as waves of bliss coursed through him. Tony just watched in wonder as Ryan’s unfocused, opaque eyes rolled back; he had passed beyond reality and succumbed to mind-numbing rapture.

Then the euphoria began to diminish and Ryan slowly came back to reality. Exhausted, the two men lay back side-by-side lost in the wonderment of what just happened.

“(Throatily) Wow, that was incredible. I dunno what happened because my orgasm seemed to last longer than I’ve ever experienced before. It were so intense I began to think it would never end. I don’t reckon I’d survive many more of those. (Laughing) Thank you little Tony, yer me second best mate.”

“(Joking) Perhaps we should plan to be apart for several months in the times ahead. Our sex-life seems to improve with separation. (Giggling) You should see your face when you climax, I thought yer eyes were gonna disappear . . . OUCH! That hurt.”

“Yeah well don’t make fun of me when I’m enjoying meself. Hand me that face towel, yer cum is pouring outta me. Geeze you shot a bucketful.”

‘I know, I’ve been saving it up for the last two weeks. The mornings were the worst; I’d wake up with a hardon after dreaming about you. Tempted as I was to relieve meself, I determined to wait until . . . well, you know.”

“(Serious) I’m glad you did because I just love the feel of yer juice inside me. To me it’s like glue binding our two souls together for all eternity. I’m serious Tony, I love you very much. I can’t imagine life without you.”

“Thank you, and I’ll love you forever. Nothing is gonna put us apart. Ever.”

Basking in each other’s arms and in the after-glow of sex, they muzzled together letting their thoughts roam. Eventually, Ryan spoke.

“(Wistfully) I ‘spose I’ll haveta think about going back to work at the Vet School. I’m not gonna do anything this week, I’ll leave it till next Monday.”

“Do yer still want to become a Vet?”

“Yes . . . maybe . . . I’m not sure. I haveta give it some thought. The years of study ahead put a damper on my plans. Spending time away from family, friends and love-ones in a new environment, mixing with different people, causes you to look at yer life and life’s objectives in a new light. I know other blokes feel the same because we discussed the situation a lot. I’m not the same person I was six months ago. Maybe that’s going too far, but I feel changed; seems like I’ve become a bit more mature.”

“Yeah, you sure have. I noticed in our love making you knew what you wanted and went for it. Six months ago you were not so assertive. I love the new you.”

Silence.

“What about us Tony, what’s our next move?”

“(Assertive) Easy, I want you to move in with me full time. Knowing yer home situation, It’s time you left the nest and forge yer own life. Staying with yer mother now ain’t a good move. You’ll be unhappy. It’s time to move on boyo.”

“I knows that. She’ll kick up a stink but I don’t have any obligation to her so there’s no point in staying. Besides going to bed with you and waking up with you is all I ever want. At home I’ll be unhappy, with you I’ll be happy. No contest.”

“(Enthusiastic) Great, then that’s settled. We’ll make up the spare bedroom to look like that’s where you sleep. Shouldn’t be too hard to avoid any suspicion.”

“I can’t wait. Give me a coupla days to let the news sink in at home, and I’m yours.”

<><><><>

19.2

“ . . . and where have you been and what were you doing to stay out all night? I’ve been sick just worrying about you. Is it too hard to pick up a phone and let me know where you are?”

“Don’t shit me . . . “

“Language, Ryan. You know I won’t tolerate bad language in this house. Seems you’ve acquired bad habits in the army . . . “

“Frankly I couldn’t care less mother. If ya don’t like the way I talk then that’s your problem. Now I want to sit down with you and have a chinwag[1] about . . .”

“Fine. I need to talk to you son about something really serious. It involves your father.”

“(Mystified) What about me dad? Is there something wrong with him? Is he sick?”

“No, nothing like that. (sniffling) I’m . . . I’m . . . Oh, this is so hard . . .

“Fer shit sake spit it out, mother, you’ve got me really worried.”

. . . (piercing Ryan with an angry stare) I’m . . . I’m convinced he’s having an affair. I’m so angry; after all the time I’ve given him, keeping our family together, cooking for him, cleaning for him, and washing his clothes, it angers me he’d treat me with contempt. All the time . . .”

“(Indignant) Hold on, are you saying my dad’s having an affair with another sheila? What’s yer proof?”

“It’s just a feeling. A woman knows when her man is having an affair. Little things like finding receipts from coffee shops, a smell on his clothes caused by a fragrance that’s not mine, and his general behaviour. I’m sure, and I want you to confirm it for me. I want you to watch out for anything suspicious. Do this for your mother, Ryan.”

“(Angry) You want me to spy on me own dad? No way! How could you ask me to do such a thing? (furious) Are you outta yer mind? Why don’t ya ask him yourself?”

“(Indignant) Because he’d lie to me. That’s the sort of coward your father is – a lying coward. (Sneering) Also he’s too afraid to tell me because he knows I’d kick him out and he hasn’t anywhere to go. He’s pathetic he is. In fact, I feel like sending him on his way so he and that trollop can enjoy the rest of their sinful lives together.”

“Bloody hell! . . .”

“Language!”

“Fuck off! (loud breath intake from his mother) Let me be clear. I’m not gonna spy on me own Dad. Whatever the problem is it’s between you and him. Leave me outta it. Fact is I don’t really blame him, because the way you’ve treated him over the years, I’m glad he’s found someone else to share his life. That’s of course if it’s true – which I doubt. You’ve made our lives hell mother, and it’s about time you got back some of yer own medicine. I say good on ‘im – if it’s true of course.”

“(Whining) that’s a horrible thing to say to your mother. Do you think I’ve enjoyed being at home looking after house and family? I’ve given my young life to this family and all I get in return is insults. You’re too like your father but you’re all I have now, so we’ll just have to make the best of it. (sniffling) Now, what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Nothing just forget it. Not now, it’ll keep.”

<><><><>

19.3

Sitting relaxed in the pub beer garden, Bill Seaton watched his son make way through the throng towards his table. Every so often he’d be stopped by acquaintances and friends welcoming him back from Nasho. Ryan Seaton was a popular boy and Bill was proud of his son.

Look at him, tanned, strongly muscled, relaxed, with that easy laugh and smile. It’s no wonder women flock to him. My baby boy has grown up; the six months away has matured him. He’s exuding self-confidence and happiness. I hope he finds a nice girl to settle down with; at least to get him away from the shitty place called home. I only wish I could’ve stood up to his mother and make his life easier. (Sigh) Where did it all go wrong? Clare Fitzgerald, in her youth, was attractive, very sexy and I let my cock rule my head. How she turned from a good-looking young woman to the crude witch now presently, is a mystery. It’s partly my fault because I let her get away with being a bitch and now we’re all suffering the consequences. (sigh) I hope Ryan isn’t too upset when I tell him what’s happening. He’s old enough now to understand, even if it upsets him. (remembering) You know the person I miss is old Merle. Boy did we have some clashes over the years; I actually enjoyed mixing it with her. At least she could see that her daughter was a bit phsyco, apparently even as a youngster. According to Merle, Clare was Old Paddy’s favourite and she got spoilt rotten. Why is it us blokes let women rant and rave, making life unpleasant for their nearest and dearest. Well, it’s mute now, I can’t take it any longer and I’ve made up me mind to . . . ah, here comes the boy.

“G’day Dad, yer glass is near empty so I’ll go and get both of us some newbies. Ya drink Resches still? (Bill nodded) OK, I’ll be back in a tick.”

Arriving at the bar, Ryan was surprised to see Tony front up. Obviously he’d just arrived.

“How’d it go with yer mum. Is she Ok with yer moving out?”

“(Angry) Shit man, yer wouldn’t believe it. She suspects me old man is having an affair and asked me to spy on him. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her about moving out, she . . . .”

“(Laughing) So she won out again eh? Your mother’s as slippery as an eel and as cunning as a randy fox. Tell me quickly what happened; I know you’ve gotta go back to yer father and have a talk.”

Quickly Ryan went over the conversation he had with his mother, or rather the conversation his mother had with him.

“Alright boyo, thanks for filling me in. Best you get back to yer Dad now. We’ll catch up later. Good luck.”

Ryan returned to his father and set two large beers down on the table.

“Thanks son, ummm, what was the beer like down in Melbourne?”

“(Eagerly) Actually not too bad. They don’t have big glasses like we do here, so it took some time getting used to the small sizes. After a while ya get used to them, and ya can still get really pissed drinking small servings. One of me mates was a cove called Jim Tandara, he’s sorta part abbo, but he really could really drink me under the table. Anyway, cheers.”

For several minutes Ryan filled his father in on his time in Nasho, and by the time he’d finished they were both a little pissed and relaxed. A pause, and Ryan cleared his throat.

“Dad, I got something to tell ya (his father looked concerned). It’s about mum. Well, it’s about Mum and you. She . . . ahh . . . she, ahhh . . . wants me to spy on yer ‘cause she thinks yer havin’ an affair with another sheila. I told her I’d never do that because . . . hey, what’s so funny?”

Bill Seaton had started to laugh and this confused Ryan. He expected his dad to be angry instead he was actually laughing. After a few moments his dad took a swig of beer and looked at Ryan.

“Well son, it’s true. (Ryan sat back in confusion) It’s what I wanted to talk to you about today. (clearing his throat) The short version is that Linda Cree and I have been seeing each other for a while, even before you went into Nasho. (Ryan leaned forward to respond but his dad waved him to silence) I’m gonna tell you things I probably should’ve told you before because this story goes way back. (pause) Y’see, Linda and I were lovers early on and I would’ve married her except I . . . well, your mum got prego with you . . . (pause) . . .

. . . gawd, I can’t tell the boy that I loved Linda more than his mum. It weren’t be fair. Me being a fuckwit, I just got them both prego at around the same time. I hadda make a quick decision. As it turned out it were the wrong decision, but that’s something I can’t say to the lad. I just hope he don’t ask too many tough questions.

Now don’t go getting frothy about you being a mistake. Not true, because I sorta loved yer mum bit more than I did Linda (pause) The thing is Linda and I had a kid . . . and the kid's name is Bert Cree.(Ryan choked). Yep son, Bert Cree is yer half-brother.”

“(Stunned) I . . . I . . . fuck’n hell! That fuckwit Bert . . . the one I’ve been facing up to all these years, is . . . is . . . me brother?”

“Well, he’s yer half-brother, but that’s splitting hairs. Believe me, Bert Cree is my son.”

“(Confused) Wait . . . wait . . . how d’yer know it’s . . . he’s yours. Why wouldn’t he be Fred’s kid?”

“Because Fred’s infertile, he fires blanks. There’s no way he can have kids.”

“(More confusion) But . . . but, what about Geoff and his sister. They’re Fred’s kids . . . aren’t they?”

“No, they’re adopted. Linda wanted a bigger family so’s Fred wouldn’t feel too useless. But the bastard, who incidentally knows about Bert being my son, used Bert to get back at me through you. He poisoned the kid into hating you, knowing it’d upset me. That’s how he got back at me.”

“(Bewildered) But . . . but, ya can’t really blame him can ya? After all, you fucked his wife . . . “

“(Scolding) Hey, watch yer language. I know you’re confused but show some respect. No ones perfect Ryan, at the time Linda and I had strong feelings for each other, so it weren’t some sleazy act in a cheap hotel room. You gotta consider the times Ryan; we were borne at the end of the Great War but had to suffer through the Depression in 1929. Life was hard and not too many laughs. We just took our fun whenever we could. (Earnestly) It’s me who’s at fault and it’s something I’ve had to live with for a long time. I know it must’ve been hard for Fred but what’s done is done, there isn’t a right or wrong – it’s just history and we have to move on.”

(Rebuking) Hard on Fred? That’s all you can say it’s ‘hard on Fred’! I reckon if I were in the same position I’d be devastated. To know that yer firstborn belongs to the bloke next door would be distressing, and that’s an understatement. (pause) Wow, this is incredible! I know I have to believe, but it’s really hard and really unfair. Look at all the people this has touched. First Fred Cree, then Bert, then Mrs Cree, then my mum, then me. I‘m sorry dad, I can’t get much sympathy for you and Mrs Cree . . . I can’t.”

“(Intensely) And I’m not asking for sympathy. Looking back, yes we done wrong, but at the time we were lovers. The mistake I made was not marrying Linda but to marry yer mother instead. In hindsight, I realize now I never really loved your mum, Ryan. Y’see I was only just a bit older than you and pretty stupid. If I could go back and change what happened I would, but . . . you know, I can’t. You’ll learn soon enough, we all have to move on and let mistakes of the past, stay in the past. (pause) Now we both need a refill so I’ll go and get them.”

“Dad, I’m in a state of . . . well, I don’t know, maybe confused; how about you get me a whiskey chaser to go with the brew.”

“(Smiling) You got it, I’m a bit the same so’s I’ll get one for each of us.”

Ryan sat back musing about his dad’s news.

Bloody hell, what a turn-up. Bert Cree me half-brother and Geoff adopted. Why do I feel sorry for Fred Cree? I mean, who wouldn’t; it musta been hard to swallow, first knowing yer were shooting blanks and then finding out yer son wasn’t yours after all. I don’t blame him for being upset, but he was wrong to use Bert as revenge. (sudden thought) Hey, does Bert know he’s dad’s son? A good question, I’ll ask dad. Wow, what a story, what a twist. Wait there, he’s only said he and Mrs Cree were now seeing each other again, so what does that mean. I reckon there’s more to come. Maybe with me dad being so vulnerable perhaps I should tell him about me being a homo. Should I? . . . I dunno, Dad's revelatio n is too big . . . (interrupted thought trend)

Ryan paused as he remembered,

Ryan I want you to promise me you’ll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you’re a homo. I’m serious Ryan, don’t ever let anyone find out you’re a homo. Look what’s happened to me, my life is over, I’ll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you’ll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me.”

The memory was too recent and too raw.

. . . (resuming his thought trend) Dad’s revelation is too big to go off on another tangent. No, I’ll wait until I know the times right. I’ll talk to Tony but I’m sure he’ll agree with me. Shit Bert Cree me brother sorta, and Geoff adopted. Actually it makes sense because I remember thinkin’ that Geoff didn’t fit into the Cree household, not in looks nor disposition. I wonder If’n he knows . . .”

“Here y’are. Two fresh pints and whiskey chasers. Cheers son (they both downed the whiskey and took a large gulp of beer). I suppose you’ve been thinking about stuff, so c’mon let’s have it.”

“Well, two things; first, what next for you and Mrs Cree, and second, does Bert know he’s your son?”

“(Thoughtfully) Yeah well firstly we’re gonna split and hopefully enjoy the time left to us. You know I’ve been unhappy Ryan, and it’s getting worse. I can’t stand yer mother any more and to try and cope, I’ve taken to booze. If I stay on it’s just gunna get worse, and not just for me, it’ll get worse for you. I’m sure yer mother will be pleased to see the last o’ me (Ryan went to interrupt) . . . no, let me finish and then you can have yer say. With Linda she reckons Fred’s getting really agro and she’s scared he may bash her around a bit. She’s gonna take Geoff and the little one with her . . .”

“(Sharply) Stop there! Yes, I understand you’ve been unhappy and yes, mum’ll probably get worse, but maybe the cures worse than the ailment. Have you thought about me, have you thought about Bert, and have you thought about mum? Not to forget Geoff. Yer talking about a major family upheaval that’s gonna affect a lotta people. Are you sure the consequences are worth the move?”

“Well let’s talk about you. You know the atmosphere at home now, and how it’s been getting worse over time (Ryan nodded). If I remove myself, life can only get better (Ryan started to interject, but hesitated) for you. You can settle down and have a happy relationship with me and your mum if’n we’re separate and . . .

Spot on. I haveta admit I’ve thought the same plenty o’ times.

. . . you can come and stay with me in a happy home environment. Linda likes you Ryan, I guess Geoff’s been bending her ear and she can’t wait to get closer to you. Also, you get on with Geoff so you two being closer will work out fine. Having said that, I don’t know how Fred and your Mother will react. In a way that’s not too important because they’ll just haveta deal with it. Keep in mind Linda and I are only doing this because our current marital situations are bad and getting worse. I’m not trying to excuse myself or Linda; our present unhappy marriages have become untenable.”

Silence. Then,

“(Probing) Ok, so where are ya gonna live? Will it be close by so I can come visit, or are you moving far away say, in another state?”

“(Hastily) No, no, we’ve already found a home down Manly way, just a few minutes by bus. No, I wouldn’t do that to you Ryan because I want to play a bigger part in your life than I’ve been doing. I love you very much, and . . .

Will you still love me when I tell you I’m a homo?

. . . want to make up for all the lost years. That’s if you’ll let me or even want me. I’m so proud of you mate. It’s a privilege to be yer dad.”

All of a sudden Ryan felt his eyes becoming moist. How he’d longed for his parents to tell him they loved him. Now his dad was telling him he was loved. It just couldn’t get any better.

“(Sniffling) Thanks Dad. You don’t know how much I needed to hear you say that, I hope (choke) . . . ummm, thanks anyway.”

Silence as the two men thought about what had been said. Then his father continued.

“You asked whether Bert knows he’s my son? I simply don’t know. Linda couldn’t bring herself to tell him and I’m certain Fred wouldn’t say anything. If ya think learning Bert Cree’s yer half-brother is a shock, imagine how it’ll affect Bert when he finds out. I made Linda promise she’d tell him before the split. I know she will, and it’s gonna be hard on him. (Bill Seaton paused and took a large swig) Son, I know this is all a big shock and I certainly don’t expect you to accept what I’ve said without misgivings. It’s a big step for all of us, but let me assure you, in the end it’ll all work out grand. You’ll be an important part of a happy family and yer mum will be free to (laughing) take up with some of those horny footballers she’s so attracted to. I hope, in the long run, you don’t judge me too harshly. I believe what I’m doing is right; I call it being ‘wisely selfish’.”

By now the glasses were empty again so Ryan headed to the bar. Tony looked up from his conversation with another bloke and used his eyebrows to ask if Ryan wanted to talk. With a soft shake of his head Ryan said ‘no’. He’d fill Tony in later. On his return, and by mutual consent, both Ryan and his Dad changed the subject and just talked about general stuff. An election loomed and Ryan had to vote for the first time. They spent part of the rest of the afternoon discussing politics.

Of course, Ryan was not to know that his conversation with his dad would have consequences – bad consequences.