Young, Gay and Scared - 20. Chapter 20

20.1

“ . . . you’re kidding, wow, it’s hard to believe. I mean yer Dad is such a quiet cove, he’d be the last I’d suspect having an extra-marital affair. I mean that’s one thing, but learning Bert Cree’s yer half-brother, takes my breath away. Who’d ‘a thought?”

Tony sat back completely stunned as Ryan related his talk with his father. Luckily, they were having a quiet beer at the clubhouse the morning after, so no-one could interrupt.

“(Softly) Yeah I were speechless, completely dumbfounded. Like you I never thought me Dad the type to have an affair. I must admit I’m not entirely happy about . . .”

“(Admonishing) Oh wait there c’mon, you told me he was unhappy, so unhappy that he tried to top himself. Frankly, having met yer mum, it’s a wonder he didn’t split long ago. Look we’re all human Ryan, it’s a relatively short life so why wouldn’t he try and salvage some happiness where he can. No different from you and I, we want to be happy even if’n it’s gonna upset some people. Nothing different we’re doing to what he’s doing. Good luck to him.”

“(Chuckling) Y’know that’s why I love you Tony Gordon. (Giving Tony a swift kiss on his cheek) You see the important issues without being clouded by matters that are unimportant. I wouldn’t’ve related back to you and I, but yer right, we’re no different. Thanks fer that.”

“So when’s this gonna take place; I mean him telling yer mum. Fuck me, would I love to be listening in to that. Yer mum‘s not gonna take it very well, is she?”

“(Apprehensive) No, and I think he’s telling her about now. Wouldn’t be surprised to see me dad down the pub later tying one on. I suppose, at the same time, this Linda Cree is telling that shit-face Fred Cree that it’s all over? Shit, what about Bert? What d’yer think he’s gonna do finding out his hero pa ain’t his pa after all? Christ what a mess. I need another drink.”

After getting a refill Ryan sat back down. Tony fixed Ryan with a stare that Ryan knew presaged a rap over the knuckles.

“(Irritated) So you didn’t get a chance to tell yer pa about us, or more correctly, you? There again I suppose the timing wasn’t right, eh?”

“(Chastened) Yeah, sorry. It just seemed that me dad’s problems were bigger than me bein’ a homo. Ok, ok, I chickened out. Are ya gonna spank me?”

“(Laughing) Christ no, you’d enjoy it too much. So when?”

“I just wanna see how me mum takes the news first. I’m not too concerned about dad because in a way we’re on the same level of . . . in a word, culpable.”

“Ok, but not a word I’d chose. D’yer want to call home before you head into the cesspool?”

“(Cautiously) Nah, I’ll finish this and head off. I just wanna get it all over. I just wanna move in with you so we can start living our lives properly. I love you, Tony. The time in Nasho totally convinced me that you’re my man – if I wasn’t convinced before.”

<><><><>

20.2

“WHAT!”

Clare Seaton jumped up from the kitchen table, knocking her chair backwards. Although it being a warm day outside, the temperature in the kitchen had dropped suddenly.

“WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY? I’m not hearing proper.”

“(Surprisingly calm) I’m leaving Clare, I’m leaving this house and going to live elsewhere, and you can’t stop me.”

“(Threatening) LEAVE ME? THAT’S BULLSHIT. YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME BECAUSE I’LL MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL. WHY?”

“(Strident) I said I’ve had enough of our suppose marriage and I’m leaving. I’ve found someone else to share me life, someone who makes me happy, who loves me, and cares for me. All of which I can’t or won’t get from you Clare. You’ve turned this home, our marriage, and indeed our lives, into misery. I can only hope Ryan comes to his senses and also leaves. The sum total of the situation is that you’ve made living here, hell. I WANT OUT!”

“(Emotional) OH no you’re not. You’re not leaving because I’D NEVER, EVER, GIVE YOU A DIVORCE. So you can tell your fancy-woman she’ll not get her hands on you – EVER!”

“Getting married ain’t on the agenda, so’s you can keep calling yerself Mrs Seaton if that’s what you want. It’s only a word and frankly, with you and I, it don’t mean anything.”

With that Clare Seaton launched herself at her husband yelling,

“YOU BASTARD! I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL MAIM YOU, I’LL MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR SLUT DON’T HAVE A SECOND OF PLEASURE. I’LL . . .”

For several moments the two adults struggled with each other. Bill tried to ward her off but she was energised by rage, and nearly overpowered him. Eventually, she slumped to the floor wailing,

“(Pitifully) W-a-a-a-. What’s gonna happen to me? (SOB) I’ll be all alone with only Ryan to comfort me. All my life . . . (pause) all my life . . . all I’ve ever done is to make a happy home . . . and . . . and, this is how I get repaid. Left alone with my best years behind me. I won’t . . . (a thought came to her) OHH, you’re gonna pay, and pay dearly for this. I’ll make sure to bleed you dry, both of you. You’ll both be sorry (then changing her tone) Please Bill . . . please don’t do this. If I’ve been a bad girl I’ll change. Please I’ll promise to make it better; just don’t leave me, please.”

“There’s no point in pleading Clare. It’s over! We’re over! I’ve waisted too many years on you, so now I’m going with someone who, not only loves me, but can give happiness. All you offer is misery . . . and more misery. No, no more; enough is enough. I’ll not leave you penniless, but my main financial responsibility from now on is to my new partner.”

“(Snarling) You selfish bastard, what about your son, he needs his father around to care for him. Not some drunk who disappears down the pub every weekend. He’ll be devastated . . .”

“(Deriding) Save it Clare, I’ve already talked to Ryan and I think he’s accepted my moving out. Frankly, I hope he does the same because if he stays at home he’ll be more miserable than he is now. You use emotional blackmail Clare, and sooner, rather than later, you’ll squash him. For your info, we had a good talk yesterday and he’s accepted the situation. Of course he’ll spend time with me in my new home; I’ve made adequate provision for him. For once he’ll have a happy home to enjoy.”

“(Enraged) WHAT! You’ve gone behind my back and talked to my son about leaving me? YOU BASTARD!. YOU BLOODY BASTARD! I’ll sue you for mental and emotional cruelty. Yes, that’s what . . .”

“(Laughing) You’ve got to be kidding. It’s you who should be charged with cruelty. Over the years your whinging, whining, emotional crap has made us all wretched. God, I’m gonna be so glad to get away from you. Anyway, that’s all past history. Tomorrow I’m just going to pack up and . . .”

At that moment the back door flew open, nearly pulled off its hinges, and an ugly, venomous Fred Cree came storming into the kitchen. Violence was writ all over his face and posture.

“YOU FUCKIN’ BASTARD! YOU SLIMY CUNT! I’M GUNNA . . .”

Bill Seaton and Clare stood stock-still with shock as a snarling Fred advanced on Bill. Then he punched him in the guts and when he doubled over in agony, swung a vicious uppercut that caught Bill square on the chin, sending him to the floor. For good measure, he kicked him as he lay on the ground.

“THERE CUNT (THUMP) THIS IS WHAT’S (THUMP) OWED FOR STEALING ME MISSUS AND ME KIDS. I SHOULDA SORTED YOU OUT LONG AGO, BASTARD!”

Bill Seaton lay on the floor moaning in obvious pain. The abruptness of the attack left him defenceless, and for the time being, immobile. However Clare Seaton recovered quickly,

“(Sneering) So it’s your wife who’s turned traitor. I might have known, bloody hell, Linda Cree the slut. Wait till . . .”

“DON'T you say another word, Clare. I know what a bitch you are; if you’d been a better wife maybe this shit wouldn’t have happened. (Sobbing) I still love . . .”

He started to cry. What a tabloid was presented. Bill Seaton on the floor moaning in agony, Clare Seaton standing over him sneering, and big Fred Cree standing upright with clenched fists bawling like a baby. Messy.

Then without the same fanfare he entered, Fred Cree deflated; all the fight went out of him. Still crying, he left the same way he came in.

The atmosphere next door was no better. Geoff and his sister were coming to grips with being adopted. In many ways Geoff wasn’t surprised because he’d always felt different from the Cree family. Of course he loved his mother and his father, but well, something wasn’t right. Now it all made sense. He also knew the relationship between his parents wasn’t good and getting worse. His dad being a big man and given to sudden fit’s of rage, he worried about his mother’s safety. In a way, the whole move became a necessity.

Shit what a morning. When me mum broke the news to us about being adopted I wasn’t fazed. Without consciously knowing about it, I’d always felt different. I mean I loved me mum but Dad was always a mystery. I didn’t even look like him and, as to disposition, I never felt any similarity. Wow, what a rumble, it’s hard to get me head around all that’s been said. So we're gonna go live with mum and Ryan’s dad. That’s great because it’ll mean Ryan and I will get closer. Hey, hey! Yeah but Geoffry old son, where do yer loyalties lay? To mum or to Dad? Shit, shit. I mean he never did me any wrong so I can’t abandon him completely. The bugger’s goin’ through shit right now and it’d be churlish ‘o me to just walk away. Nah, that’s not me. I’ll go find him and sit awhile . . .

CRASH! . . . a loud noise next door.

Shit! What were that? That come from Ryan’s place. I wonder . . . (Raised voices from next-door) . . . Gawd, that sounds like me Dad. What’s he doin’ at Ryan’s place? Oh fuck, sounds like fighting, must be a biffo between me Dad and Ryan’s Dad. Geeze I hope Ryan’s not involved. Man-o-man, what a bloody mess. And where’s Bert?

The one person in this human tragedy who rightly deserves sympathy was Bert Cree. Before his mother told the other two they’d been adopted, his mum had tearfully told him his real father was Bill Seaton. At first he refused to believe it and straightway sought out his dad. Well, who’d he always thought were his dad. Fred Cree, himself suffering from shock, didn’t even respond when Bert asked the question. Without any denial, the question was resolved in the positive. Shattered, he slunk away and holed himself in his fathers garden shed. A crushed young man, who now sat, in the dark, atop his dad’s Victor mower.

He just started crying and let the tears flow.

FUCK!

His crying turned into racking sobs. There was nothing he could do to control his pain. This was no time to be stupidly brave because his trauma had cut too deep.

PLEASE, PLEASE!

The darkness closed around him like a cocoon and, oblivious to the outside world, he crashed emotionally.

Silence, broken only by the sounds of misery. His thoughts were jumbled and filled with pathos.

(silent tears) Is it true? It can’t be true. I’m definitely my dad’s son. We’re so close, aren’t we?. Always have been. How can I belong to someone else. NO! NO! NO! Me dad taught me to fish, to look after meself in a stouch, to look trouble in the eye. He brought me up to be a man, to have respect, to love me mum and siblings. (Sob, sob) I luv him, no I worship him. He’s the best dad a bloke can have, no-one can ever replace him. I won’t allow anyone else to replace him or say something bad about him. I’ll run away, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll run away if I’m forced to live without me dad . . . to live with Ryan Seaton’s dad. (pause)(continued crying) . . . Seaton’s dad! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! Me Dad didn’t deny not being me pa, so it must be true. (choke) But I’ll never acknowledge the other cunt as me dad, nor that shit-faced Seaton kid as me half-brother. FUCK’EM! I’ve only one Dad, the one who I’ve idolized from a youngster. Nothing anyone can say or do will change that. Wherever he goes so will I. I’ll not live with that slut of a mother she turned out to be. (Crying) I HATE HER! Seems she musta opened her legs to anyone passing by. UGH! How could she let that drunkard next door defile her body?. . . That’s settled then, I’m gonna stay with me dad always. Him and I can work it out because we love each other. I’m never gonna acknowledge Seaton as me father, and as for Seaton’s son, I hate him all the more.

<><><><>

20.3

She sat immobile waiting. The shock of her husband’s announcement had left her strangely listless. There was something lethargic in the way she sat at the kitchen table, almost as if her life-force had deserted her, leaving only a shell in its wake. Here she sat, in her late thirties, devoid of any emotion . . . except terror. She was frightened because she hadn’t seen this coming, hadn’t been prepared for the horror she now faced – alone.

Ryan will be home soon and we’ll have a long talk. What did the bastard say? Something about recommending that Ryan, my only child, leave home as well. No, he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t leave his mother all alone to face life in an empty house. (crying softly) All my life, yes all my life, I’ve struggled to make a home for my husband and son. I’ve been a success, just ask the ladies at our tennis club how they praise me on being such a good wife and mother. Everyone knows the difficulties I’ve had and how I’ve struggled through grim times. There’s always been food on the table, a clean house, and clean clothes. All this done without any praise or recognition of my labour. No one knows . . . are, here he is, Ryan’s home . . .

“(Timidly) Is that you Ryan? Come in son I’m in the kitchen.”

Fearfully and anxiously Ryan closed the front door behind him and entered the kitchen. His mother sat quietly at the table drinking tea. She looked terrible. All her make-up was blotchy, her mascara had run down her cheeks, and her eyes were red-rimmed. He knew straight-away it’s all an act to gain sympathy, a prelude to applying emotional blackmail.

Gawd I can see right through her, she’s like the little kid that cried ‘wolf’ too often. (Sigh) but she’s still me bloody mother, I’ll just have to put up with it until I can split.

Mother and son faced each other across the kitchen table; one person dripping with misery and the other fearful. Clare allowed silence to grow so Ryan could appreciate the torment she suffered.

“(stifling a sob) Well I learned the bastard told you yesterday that he’s deserting us. You should’ve told me so I could’ve prepared myself, Ryan. It was such a shock I nearly died from heart failure. Here, feel my heart-beat; it’s still beating so fast I still could have a heart attack any moment. At my age . . .”

“(Tensely) Mother, I have something to say, and it’s very difficult for me, very difficult to . . .”

“(Ignoring Ryan) Well, I just want you to know we’ll be ok. That horrible man will still have to contribute to this family. Of course, we’ll have to economise to make ends meet. I’m thinking of taking in washing to earn extra money so with that, and your board money, we should be Ok. Also there’s Bingo. I’ve always been good at Bingo and from time to time I’m sure I’ll win a meat tray or even a basket of vegetables. I’ve been sitting here . . .”

“(Mildly annoyed) Mother, I don’t want to talk about that, I want to talk about my life and my future. Y’see it’s about time I left home and started living for myself. As you know, I’m still focused on becoming a vet which is gonna . . .”

“(Staring into space) It may even be possible for me to get a part-time job, something so the hours are not too long and I can still visit with my friends. You must understand that It’s important for me to keep up social appearances. We don’t want the world to know what a low-life your father is, do we? But believe me I’m going to tell the world what a slut is Linda Cree, sneaking behind my back, seducing . . .”

“(Getting frustrated) Mother, stop it! I’m not interested in your bloody friends and you brutalizing Mrs Cree. I’m trying to tell you I want to leave home . . .”

“(Thinking out loud) Of course there’s your uncle, he will help. Over the years he’s done nothing to help us. Look at what happened to your Grandmother, he fostered her on us and didn’t lift a finger to help us financially . . .”

“(Anger) SHIT MOTHER, STOP IT!”

“(Gasp) Ryan, I’ve warned you before, I won’t have any foul language in this house. I’m sure you get it off your father because . . .”

“(determined) Stuff it! I’m old enough to swear as much as I want, and if you don’t like it, that’s your problem. NOW SIT THERE AND LISTEN, (his mother, with mouth agape, sat back). I need to leave home and strike out on me own. I’m over eighteen now, so I can leave. Being away by meself in Nasho did me a world of good because I realized I’m old enough to make me own decisions, even though some may be wrong. I’m no longer under your protection. I know it’s gonna be hard on you mum, but me minds made up. Of course if you have any money . . .”

(Screeching) DON’T, PLEASE DON’T, PLEASE DON’T SAY ANYTHING MORE! LOOK, (placing her hands over her ears) I’M NOT LISTENING. I CAN’T HEAR YOU, SON.”

(Resolute) You can hear me well enough, mother. Don’t play yer silly games with me, because I can see right through you. I’se done pandering to yer emotional stuff. I can still remember the day you faked yer suicide. Not something I’ll forget, ever. I talked with Tony . . .”

“(Whining) NO, (crying) NO, (standing up) NO! You can’t leave me, please don’t leave me son (Bawling) please don’t leave me all alone, please (Sobbing). If you do I’ll just have to kill myself because I couldn’t face life alone. (Screaming) IT’S NOT RIGHT! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? (then Whining) All my life I’ve been focussed on providing a happy home and making sure there’s good food on the table. (Carping) )You and your father are ungrateful wretches, you’ve taken the best years of my life and never given me anything in return. NOTHING. D’you hear me, noth . . .”

“(scornful) Oh come off it you silly woman, that’s not true. I for one have always thanked you and even protected you in fights between you and dad. What did you give me in return? nothing but an unhappy house. And as to yer claim to that you’ve looked after me, that’s simply a duty of every parent. That’s not a biggie, caring for me is your responsibility that’s all.”

“(Outraged) THAT”S ALL? Is that all you can say . . . that’s all. Wait until you’re married and have kids. Just wait and see what a drain it is on your time . . .

“( interjecting ) Well, that’s just not gonna happen is it?”

. . . and your pocket. You have no idea what it costs to raise kids. You talk of responsibility; the more you’re responsible for your kids the less time you have to . . . (suddenly remembering Ryan’s interjection) what did you mean when you said, ‘it’s just not going to happen’. Why would that be? Is there something I need to know? Of course, your going to get married and have kids. Everyone does that!”

The time had come, his mother had made an opening, and Ryan was just about to let it all hang out, when

. . . Ryan I want you to promise me you’ll never, and I repeat never, tell anyone you’re a homo. I’m serious Ryan, don’t ever let anyone find out you’re a homo. Look what’s happened to me, my life is over, I’ll be castigated wherever I go. Promise me, as one blood brother to another, you’ll never admit being a fagott . . . promise me, please mate, promise me . . .

. . . he remembered Tommo’s entreaty. So instead,

“I mean it ain’t gonna happen soon because I’m too young. I can’t afford to get married, not for a long time, that’s all.”

For a short time his mother just looked at him and didn’t look convinced by his response. But anyway,

“(going for the jugular) Well that’s it isn’t it. If you can’t afford to get married, you can’t afford to leave home. Be reasonable son, I know at your age boys want to leave home and strike out on their own. That’s fine, but you have to be able to afford to pay rent and household expenses. By your own admission, you can’t.”

“( Gleefully ) Oh but I can. I’m going to share with someone. I’ve done me sums, and I can afford to share . . .”

“(sneering) Oh yeah, tell me who’re you going to share with? Who’ll take on a youngster like you, whose only on an apprentice’s wage? WHO?”

“(cheekily) Me mate Tony. He’s split with his missus and has plenty of room; you know Tony, it’s not as if he’s a stranger to you. He’s been real good to me.”

“(snidely) Oh, I bet he has. Frankly your relationship to Mr Gordon has become very suspicious. It seems he spends a lot of time with you. One of my friends in our Tennis Club asked me outright if your liaison with Mr Gordon was healthy. Her husband’s also a member of the Surf Club, and the word is that you and him spent a lot of time huddled together. Rather than living with him, I’m going to insist you break your link altogether. As a mother . . .

Shit! Shit! Where did that come from. She suspects but actually knows nothing, so I don’t need to give fuel to her hunches. I have to talk to Tony as soon as possible.

“(angry and incensed) That’s disgraceful; to try and turn our friendship into something dirty. Shame on you mother, you’d rather listen to some sleazy gossip from some frustrated and bored housewife than yer own son. You should be ashamed of yerself.”

“Whatever. I’m demanding that you stop seeing Tony Gordon immediately. IMMEDIATELY, you hear!”

“(Stubborn) And I’m telling you to go fuck yerself, and that also goes for yer harpy tennis fiends.”

“( Outraged) How dare you use that language and call my friends names. You’re heading for a fall mister. Anyway, your association with Tony Gordon is to end, now!”

“( heated) And I’m telling you to piss off. I don’t take orders from you anymore. Piss off mother!”

With that Ryan stormed out, leaving his mother fuming and intent on harm.

Oh no, no, no! I’ll keep him home at any cost. He’ll not leave home except to marry a nice girl, that I approve of, and give me grandchildren. I’ll not stop until I get my way. I’ll fight hard and I’ll fight nasty.