Young, Gay and Scared - 7. Chapter 7

7.1

There is no such state as absolute secrecy; the higher the level of secrecy the more prone it becomes to exposure. Such was the issue of Tommos expulsion with Nurse Gladys of the Grammar School.

Martin Cradox had hurt his hand in the fight with Tommo but thought nothing of it. After several days the pain worsened, and his cronies urged him to go see the nurse. In the main, he despised blokes that ran to the nurse every time they were injured, but the pain was getting to him. He decided to seek help. When he arrived, Nurse Gladys was on the phone, so he had to wait outside the infirmary. A combination of poor soundproofing and Gladys Chalmers poor hearing proved to be fatal. People with poor hearing tend to speak loudly without knowing they do so. She was on the phone to Vera Primson.

.” . . Yes Vera, I was appalled when Mr Wilcox told me about the boy . . . the Davis boy I mean. It alarmed me to learn that we are harbouring a homosexual in the student body. . .." (Listening)

"Yes, of course, you were right to get the truth from his previous school. I know the college and it has a reputation for being a fine Christian school. I can imagine their horror when the indecent behaviour incident was brought to their attention. In addition to expelling him, I would've brought the police . . ." (Listening)

"No, the Headmasters right, we should do nothing to upset the boys, and if somehow the news gets out, we can always say we couldn't do anything as the young fellow is a junior and the law stops us from taking any further . . ." (Listening)

"No, it's best you do nothing further; the Headmaster is going to ask Pastor Cedric to make mention of these foul activities at next Sunday Service, and to remind them of God's law as laid down in the Bible. That should. . .." (Listening)

"Yes, I'm the same, I hate these colder months. Apart from the cold, my power bill goes sky-high and there's nothing I can do about it. . .." (Listening)

"Did you, umm that’s interesting. Did you have to wait a long time before the serviceman came" . . . (Listening)

"I think it's worth looking into; do you have the number handy . . . (Pause, writing down a phone number) yes, I've got that. Thanks for sharing with me, I'll give them a call as soon as we're finished . . ." (Listening)

"Ok, yes nice to talk again. Look after yourself; maybe we can go have coffee again when we're free. Bye now."

Sitting outside Martin Cradox couldn't believe his ears.

The Davis kid is a poofter! His previous school expelled him for indecency. Wow! Oh wow, am I gonna have some fun with this . . . a queer, a filthy rotten queer. Jesus, I hate 'em; just thinking about what they'se do with each other makes me sick. Kissing, cuddling, and stick'n their cocks up each other's arse is disgusting. Disgusting! I'll haveta think this one through and . . .

Just then, the nurse came out and was surprised to find Cradox sitting in the waiting room. She was mildly alarmed but immediately dismissed any concerns.

There's no way he could've heard her talking to Vera. Maybe if the news got out, the kids would act against the Davis boy and solve all our problems. That may be an interesting path to explore.

"Come in lad; let's see what's troubling you."

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7.2

Suddenly Ryan locked eyes with Jimmy Tandara. In an instant, an unspoken understanding passed between the two boys. For several days now, the tension had been growing and could no longer be ignored. Now, with just the two of them, they faced each other across the shower room and silently acknowledged their mutual attraction.

Ryan found difficulty in breathing, his heartbeat soared, and he had difficulty in swallowing. Before him, Jimmy Tandara stood enticingly in all his naked beauty. His all-over tan, dark brown eyes and black hair suggested perhaps indigenous heritage, which was offset by Caucasian origins. His medium-sized uncircumcised cock was now slightly elevated and indicated arousal. At the same time, Ryan's member began to behave badly and added to his discomfort. Both boys were confused and somewhat embarrassed by their reaction. Almost as one, they turned around and faced the shower-wall elevating faces to the stream of hot water.

The moment passed as quickly as it occurred but forever burned in memory.

Grabbing towels, ostensibly to dry themselves but really to hide the conflicting facial emotions that warred within, they silently and briskly towelled themselves dry. As Jim turned away, he exposed his perfect buttocks, which sent Ryan into another spasm of lust. Neither lad knew what to do next; one thing was sure however, they couldn't act on their attraction whilst at school. As Tandara lived about 50kms from Ryan, getting together after school or on weekends was impossible.

Sadly, they just had to live with the knowledge of their attraction without being able to do anything about it. Fear of exposure at school and the subsequent fall-out was uppermost in their minds, as was the reaction of family and cops. The spell broke when the coach entered the room and beckoned.

"Come in here gentlemen, (both lads followed the coach into his small office) I want to talk about your training for the Inter-Schools Carnival."

They had to sit uncomfortably close as the coach continued,

"I assigned you both six laps of the oval after regular training, as I want you in peak condition for the upcoming carnival. Both of you are the school’s hope for success in your class, so I want you to take the encounter seriously. (Ryan went to interrupt but the coach waved him into silence). No Ryan, just hear me out, this won't take long. I've made up a package for you both to follow rigidly over the next four weeks. It covers diet, physical training, and mental preparation. The last is very important and is something you can practice together because being in the right frame of mind is just as important as peak physical condition. I expect you'll have plenty of questions, but first read what I've given you, then come see me and we can talk about any concerns. Now, off you go."

Both lads got up with an uncertain smile and left the coach's office. That night Ryan re-lived the moment in the shower room.

Our eyes are truly mirrors into our souls. The look in his eyes was painful. I watched as desire was chased away by fear, the same fear that coursed through me. Shit, how I wanted to touch him, feel the ridges of his muscles, and hold him close. His lips, those cupid's bow lips; I just wanted to taste them, to run my tongue over his tongue and taste his essence. Surely, he's going through the same confused emotions as me. I've never felt like this before, certainly not with Gus or Tommo. But it's all fucked up. We can't do anything at school except exist in painful isolation, after all I don't want to end up like Tommo. Can I talk to him privately about us? Possibly . . . if I had the courage. The trouble is he's probably feeling threatened like I am. We're just kids after all, and don't know how to handle the situation. If I approached him sexually, he'd clam up; for sure, I'd do the same. Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Baby Jesus, If'n yer listening to me please take this pain away. To make matters worse, we'll have to be close to each other in the lead up to the athletic carnival. (Sigh) Will I be left each night to cry my lonely tears into my lonely pillow?

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7.3

The next day they both tried to ignore each other. Whilst they were bonded together in the athletic programme, they had quite separate circles of friends and were thus able to keep apart socially. Nonetheless, their commitment to the school and each other athletically, meant they couldn't avoid being chummy. So, by the time Ryan entered the gym to undress for training he was super nervous. Then,

"Hey, Ryan how'd you go with the stuff coach asked us to read?"

"Yeah Ok, I mean except for the stuff about mental preparation. I must be dumb but lotta things didn't make much sense."

"What for instance?"

"(Thinking out loud) umm, staring at the finish line, deep breathing, and telling yerself that yer gonna win . . . that stuff."

"Pretty sensible for me. Fact is I do some of that now so it's not new t'me at all. Once you get used to it, it becomes part of you. I reckon that's why I've always had the edge when you and I go head-to-head in the trials. (Laughing) Shit, I'm giving away my secrets now."

Geeze, I love it when he smiles.

"Hey I don't look at it that way; you're just sharing and helping a fellow runner. I hope, if I have questions, I can ask you? (Tandara nodded Ok) By the way, how do you want to be called - Jim, James, or Jimmy?"

"(Self-consciously) I suppose Jim. James is too formal, and Jimmy is too girlish. My girlfriend . . .

Girlfriend?

. . . gets cranky when she hears someone call me Jimmy."

"What's her name?"

"(Cautiously) umm, Jedda. Jedda Williams. Why do you ask?"

Jedda is an indigenous girl name. I 'spose he is mixed blood then which is why he's such a good athlete. Aborigines are well known for their athletic abilities.

"(Defensive) Only so I can remember her name when I meet her next. I'm a shocker when it comes to names."

"(Warily) Oh, I don't believe you'll meet. She doesn't like coming to sports events, or even social outings. She's very shy. What about you, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Nah, no sheilas'll have me. Seems I'm not very romantic and they reckon all I want is sex, sex, and sex."

“(Laughing) Ha, ha, don’t we all.”

They fell silent; the memory of the previous day’s revelation was at the foremost of both their minds. However, neither boy knew what to do about it. So, they just continued their banter.

“Getting back to the mind conditioning ideas the coach outlined in the stuff he gave us? Need any help?”

“(Confused) Yeah, I do. Bit nerdy for me; I mean, what about Don Bradman[1], d’yer think he goes in for that crap?”

“Don’t know, but lots of sportsmen are doing it. Don’t knock it Ryan, until you’ve given it a go. Let’s try something. Sit here, close yer eyes and do what I tell yer.”

“(Chuckling and sitting down) Alright, shoot.”

“(Soft but firm voice) Now yer at the track and ready to start the 100 yards[2]. You can see the tape down at the finish line; you can hear the enthusiastic chants of the crowd; yer heart is pounding and yer stoked with adrenalin. Suddenly, the start gun goes off and yer running, running as fast as ya can. Feel it, the excitement, the power in yer legs, and the need to win. Can you feel it?”

“Yeah, I can. I’m running best I can. Now, what’s . . .?”

“All of a sudden you sense a competitor closing in on ya. He’s going fast, so if ya don’t do something he’ll win. Ok? (Ryan nodded vigorously) So ya call up all yer reserves of energy and transfer more power to yer legs. He’s still there, but ya sense he’s not gaining on you. Tell me what you feel?”

“The wind in my face, I can feel the wind in my face. I can hear someone close, legs punching into the turf; the crowd yelling.”

“Great, now comes the main part; you see the finish line, the tape across the track and you want nothing more in this life but to win. You empty yer brain from any other thoughts except the desire to win, win, win, WIN! Yer running faster than you’ve ever run before, faster than you ever thought you could run before. Are you with me, Ryan; are you with me?”

“Yes, Oh yes. I feel . . . powerful, I’m the champ, I’m the fastest kid in the whole world!”

“Great! Yer a winner. Do you see the tape? Do you feel the power? Do you want to win? Closer . . . closer now . . . closer, yer almost there and yer still in front. . .. Closer . . . closer . . . and, you’ve won! The crowd starts to cheer, other runners are congratulating you. You’ve won. Are ya with me?”

“(Breathlessly) Shit! I’m exhausted, even me heart’s going fast. Wow, that’s plenty powerful stuff. Shit! (Laughing) That was powerful. I need a second to catch me breath. (Panting) Is this what you do? Is this what you do before any race?”

“Yep, I stare down at the finish line and psych meself to win. Practice, practice, and more practice mate, that’s what it’s all about. Now, at the Carnival, our biggest race is the team baton, and you’re running third string with me as the final part. Start focussing on me as you jog forwards. You’re the key, Ryan, if you can make up a lot of ground with your segment, I’ll win the race easily from there. We can do it champ, we’re a team you and I - we will do it! Are you with me?”

“(Enthusiastically) All the way, all the way my friend. Don’t worry about me, I won’t let you or the team down. Shit, that’s’ good, I mean the mind conditioning stuff; that’s fuckin’ powerful; I’ll beat you yet Jimbo, I will. Ummm (softly) . . . thanks fer sharing.”

“Forget it.”

They finished training preparation in companionable silence, but there was still an elephant in the room, and it wasn’t going away. All through the night at home, Jim had been thinking about the matter. Something had to be done, or this new-found bonding might be destroyed. Believing there was nothing to lose, he ventured,

“(Hesitantly) Ryan, can we talk about yesterday, please. I mean what happened in the showers . . .”

“Yeah, if you like. I mean I wanted to say something but don’t know what to say. It’s all right Jimbo, I’m plenty tough.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as Ryan waited for Jim to continue.

“I . . . I like you Ryan . . . I like you a lot. Ummm, you know I like you a lot, and I guess you like me (Ryan just nodded, and his heart was pounding). Any other time or any other place maybe we could explore our feelings but right now mate, I can’t give you what you want (Ryan went to interrupt but Jim silenced him). No, hear me out please. By now you’ve guessed I’m part aboriginal; my great, great grandfather was full blooded, and I carry his genes. When . . .”

“(Ryan cut in before Jim could silence him) Jimbo you don’t haveta say anything. Don’t stress yerself, we’ll just pretend it never happened and leave it at that. Trust me, it’s Ok. I decided . . .”

“No, please let me finish. I must let you know about my own feelings boyo. You need to know what I’m about. No, we need to talk mate and clear the air. Understand?”

“Ok, but don’t stress out on my account.”

“Thanks. You know I’m only here at this posh school because I’m on a scholarship. In a sense they’re bigots and still look down on me because of my abbo origins. I can’t give them any excuse to suspend or expel me. Not only would that destroy me, but It would devastate my extended family. As well, my people look down on homosexuals just as yours do. They call us ‘sister boys,’ a derogatory term. When . . . “

“(Ryan interrupted) so you are like me. You don’t know how much that means to me, Jimbo. Oh god that’s such a relief.”

“Hold on, listen to what I’ve got to say. When I realised who I am, I had to make an awful decision never to let anyone know about me. I’ve also never acted on my feelings, never had any kind of male relationship, and everything was going great until you came along. I found I had deep feelings for you and that scared the shit outta me, really scared me. I could feel my resolve slipping and I began to panic. It made matters worse when we became rivals at athletics . . . geez, I’m really pouring me heart out here. I hope . . .”

‘Hey Jimbo, don’t sweat it. I think we needed to have this talk so’s you can get some shit off yer liver. I’m flattered that you like me, really thrilled, and just for the record I’m attracted to you . . . very much. But having said that, I understand yer problem. Shit, it must be bad to have all that family stuff on yer shoulders, and I respect where yer comin’ from. For your info, a mate o’ mine has just been expelled from his school for . . . for . . . indecent behaviour and I know the problem it’s caused him and his folks. I’m not gonna allow that to happen here, so rest assured I’ve got yer back. Because I . . . (choke) . . . because I . . . like you I’m gonna make sure nuthin bad happens. This’s what’s gonna go down. I want to be close mates with yer and that’s it. Nothing more. I don’t want t’lose ya as a friend, because that would be a shame. I reckon we’re gonna be the best o’ mates. Is that Ok?”

“I (choke) . . . don’t deserve a friend like you Ryan; yer the best mate a bloke can have. I know how hard it is to keep yer emotions all locked away; I’ve been there as I’m sure you have. Are you really Ok with us just being best mates?”

“Put it this way, Jimbo, if’n you told me to piss off and stay away, I’d be destitute. That would make me unhappy. If I can keep our friendship going that’s good enough . . . more than good enough.”

“(Softly) Thanks Ryan. You’ve gone so far up in my estimation yer almost in orbit. You really are a very nice person, and . . . someone will be very lucky to have your love. I wish it could be me, but . . .(sigh)”

“All the same Jimbo, how long do yer reckon you’ll keep yer secret? After all, yer a human being and you . . . we have the same needs as other blokes. You can’t repress yerself forever, because it’ll eat away at ya and probably make ya sick – in the heads I mean. Take the time to think about what I just said, please.”

“I have, believe me I have . . . heaps. You can’t imagine the time I’ve spent wrestling with the problem, but, I must face reality. You know how our society views homosexuals and then how they look down on aborigines. If yer an abbo as well as a homosexual yer up shit creek without a paddle. Not pleasant. (looking down) I don’t know how long I can keep me secret, I don’t know mate. I know, at some point, my secret’ll come out, but I can only hope it doesn’t until I’m a lot older. (Sigh) Then someone like you comes along and all I want is to . . . is to . . . well, you know. I’m treading on very thin ice, but it’s the only path I can tread at this point. Geeze, I hope you can understand.”

Ryan stood, walked up to Jim, and gave him a fierce friendly hug.

“(Emotionally) Yer a beautiful man y’are Jimbo. Before we had this talk, I thought I had all the problems in the world, but after listening to you I realise I’m not so bad. If anything, I feel closer t’ya now than I did before. We’ll get through this shit together mate because we’ve got each other’s back. Someday, we’ll hopefully look back with pride at how we journeyed through this difficult time. Until the day I die and even beyond, you’ll be me best mate. I care that much.”

“Wow, wow that’s powerful. Likewise, for me. There’s a lot about you Ryan Seaton to love. I’m honoured to have you as a close friend.”

“Thanks. Hey, let’s go and get training over, so I can perve on you in the shower.”

“Arsehole, now I won’t be able to stop giggling.”

* * *

7.4

Later Jim sat on the back step of the family’s modest cottage in Bankstown. His baby nephew ‘Bindi’ lay quietly gurgling in his pram and all Jim had to do was make sure the baby was Ok. His thoughts focussed,

Ryan’s right about controlling my feelings. Even now I find it difficult, so I can’t imagine how hard it’ll be in future. I get stiff sometimes just looking at Ryan. He isn’t as muscled as me, but he’s got the cutest cheeky face that bowls me over every time, especially when he laughs. He’s very sexy and sometimes my need for him just washes away any other thoughts. It’s so fuck’n cruel, (long pause) why do I put meself through this shit? We both want each other physically so why shouldn’t I simply act on my basic feelings. (Sigh) Here I go . . . obstacles, obstacles, and more obstacles. But I’m right, on the sensible side, I’m right. I can’t do anything that might result in expulsion. Not only me but all the other abbo kids that follow me. Some bigot will simply point in my direction and say all abbos are queer. I’m not gonna let that happen. Then there’s me mum and dad. When I haveta tell them I’m a poofter -scaaary!- their gonna be devastated. But it’s not about them is it, it’s about me, my life. I can’t change who I am sexually, like I can’t change who I am racially. But successfully completing Year 12 at this school is all I should worry about right now – just another five years and then I’m free to do what I want.

It ain’t so big a problem when I look at it that way. Is it?