I was our Gypsy Leader 1 - My reincarnated Soul Mate - 3. Chapter 3. A little spy, my nightmare, and pondering.

Feeling disappointed because my 'former friend' from my past life clearly didn't want to show up anymore, I closed my eyes and tried to look back upon my own early childhood, hoping to obtain some more insight and find some more peace in myself. I was sure I had loved my little brother deeply. Little Joshie was the younger brother every child in the world would wish for! He was my little shadow; because, wherever I went, he went too. Always when I stayed at home, he was there too, now and then staring at me with a knowing expression in his infinitely deep brown orbs, as if the little imp knew something important about me that I didn't need to know yet.

Although Joshie always was there, silently sitting next to me, he never bothered me. Of course, at that time, we didn't have 'television' or 'internet'. Sometimes, we listened to our radio, or we played some games, until it was time to go to bed. Our parents were always 'busy' or 'socializing'. From the time when I was barely twelve years old and little Joshie was six, they told me they trusted us enough to leave us alone. Indeed, my little brother and I never had any real problems. We were always in perfect harmony with each other, even after the little duffer did something stupid with an unwilling candle, so that I had to help him with everything, even with his going to the bathroom.

How strange... Now that I closed my eyes, I could have sworn that my little brother was around! That was impossible, of course, because Joshie had been dead and buried for more than fifty years. However, I had a vivid sensation as if he could be here, on this porch, watching me from nearby! Again, I sensed the so well-known feeling of being in harmony with my little brother. I even opened my eyes and looked around, expecting to see him staring at me with his knowing eyes. Of course, I was still all alone on my new porch. Now, I felt a bit silly...

Slowly, the strange feeling of not being alone became stronger and stronger. Even with wide-open eyes, I could still sense little Joshie around me, although I was all alone and really didn't see anybody else around. Surprisingly, the unusual feeling didn't alarm or frighten me. On the contrary, my inside seemed to feel reassured, as if everything was all right now! Could my little brother be my so-called 'guardian angel' that an old Indian Shaman once told me about, watching over me from 'the beyond'? Only, I still didn't believe in those so-called 'new-age' things. To me, dead was dead, and death was the definitive end of everything. Everybody knows that!

In the meantime, the unusual feeling started to give me a sensation as if my little brother took my head and turned it around, to make me look past my house and into my backyard! A moment later, a warm and soulful sounding voice in my inside 'asked' me to observe a thick bush in a corner of my backyard. Or, did I make those sensations up in my own mind? Although I again felt silly, I decided to listen to the voice in my inside. I even turned my chair around, to be able to observe my backyard without straining my neck. Staring at that thick bush, I wondered what could be happening to me. Was I now turning into one of those 'new-age' believers I always despised?

A second later, I was sure I saw a tiny movement, as if a couple of branches swayed back and forth all on their own! Clearly, somebody WAS hiding inside that thick bush, probably to find out what the 'old man' was doing! My first thought was: One of the neighborhood kids is spying on the 'ancient grandpa'. However, why should any of my young neighbors do such a thing? Then, another thought popped up in my mind: This unknown person could be 'little Harry'...

Thinking about my 'little son from my past life', my heart jumped up in my chest with sudden joy, while my inside reacted with a happy feeling as if my dearest dreams were starting to fulfill themselves! Again, I felt the same strange sensations I had felt before, as if my life was rapidly approaching its 'final destiny'. As if meeting this burnt little Gypsy boy was what I had been waiting for all my life!

Again, the same old 'memories' showed up in my confused mind, of a hungry bear attacking my little son, while I tried to rescue him with only a small knife in my hand. However, the angry beast turned around and attacked me, while my little son stopped screaming and died... Shuddering from living through the same emotions again, my inside still wanted to rescue my little son and bring him to safety. Therefore, I had to restrain myself forcefully from running towards that thick bush and quickly take my attacked son into my arms!

Fortunately, my 'normal' brain was still working, telling me that such wild behavior would almost certainly scare the hiding spy away. Slowly, so as not to alarm the cleverly hidden kid, I sank back on my folding chair and forced myself to relax. To play it even safer, I also closed my eyes, although I still secretly peeked through my eyelashes. By pretending to be asleep, I hoped the hiding child would show up and let me see some more of itself. At the same time, I 'tuned in' into some burnt little Gypsy orphan, opened my heart towards him, and started to send him as much Universal Love as I could muster.

Hoping the kid would be sensitive enough to pick up at least some of my sincere intentions, I also 'told' him in my mind that he could trust me and would be still welcome in 'his' old home... Immediately, I saw the same tiny movement again, as if the kid had taken a small step towards me. Clearly, he had picked up at least some of my Love and my thoughts, because he reacted as if he could have heard all my unspoken words! Surprisingly, I also saw a pair of very bright blue eyes that curiously peeked through a small gap in the thick bush, as if trying to take an even better look at what I was doing.

For a second, I felt too stunned to react. Did I really see two bright blue eyes that stared at me from within that thick bush? This was very strange, because John had told me that his little brother was of Gypsy origin, and I always thought that all Gypsies had dark eyes! Maybe, this hiding child was not 'little Harry' but someone else? After some pondering, I decided that it didn't really matter. Again, I opened my heart towards the hiding little spy and started to send him or her all the Universal Love that I was able to muster. In my inside, I went on talking to the hiding child, hoping that he or she would again pick up my Universal Love and my thoughts, and then decide to trust me enough to show up and to let me see some more of itself. However, although I waited and waited, nothing happened, and the hiding child just stayed where it was. Only its bright blue eyes were blinking from time to time, telling me it was still alive and kicking.

After a few more minutes of waiting in vain, I started to grow too impatient and therefore decided to take some more risks, although I hoped it wouldn't scare the little spy away. Tentatively, I opened my eyes and looked directly at where I still saw the blinking pair of bright blue eyes. When nothing happened, I also raised my right hand in a greeting gesture, and waved at the cleverly hidden child...

Almost instantly, the thick bush moved wildly! A tiny boy bolted out of its backside and disappeared into the adjoining backyard, on his way nearly tripping over his own small feet. For a split second, I saw a small but firmly built boyish frame that was adorned with a mop of unruly blond hair. Then, he was gone.

Feeling severely disappointed, I stared at the spot where the tiny boy had disappeared into the neighboring backyard. Of course, this had never been my intent! Obviously, I had really been too impatient in my eagerness to see some more of the cleverly hidden little spy. Why hadn't I waited some more for my clearly too shy little friend, until HE would be ready to let me see some more of himself?

Feeling both disappointed and angry with myself, I rose from my chair, entered my house, and closed my front door. Trying to divert my thoughts, I went to my kitchen and brewed another cup of coffee. After sipping my coffee, I started to unpack the next filled cardboard box and stow its contents away. In the meantime, my confused mind started brooding again, this time about what had gone wrong. Why was that little boy so scared of me? Could he be afraid I would laugh at him because of his burnt face? That would be truly sad!

Of course, my little 'son from my past life' couldn't know yet that I was already used to seeing my own burnt little brother, Joshie, with the same 'freaky alien' face. Would I ever be able to tell little Harry about little Joshie? Or, would little Harry feel too scared from now on, so that I wouldn't see him back for who knows how long? That would be even sadder, because I really wanted to meet him! Of course, I also wanted to give him his 'own' room back, and I still wanted to ask him about the little 'garden' full of abundantly flowering weeds I had found in my new backyard. That is, if the clearly scared little Gypsy boy ever dared to enter his 'former home' and meet me...

For quite some time, I went on and on brooding about that burnt little Gypsy boy who clearly was afraid of me. How would I ever be able to talk to him? Or, could I better talk to John first? Perhaps, John would be able to convince his burnt 'little Gypsy brother' to join him towards my house and pay me a visit? That is, if John ever wanted to come back to the weirdly behaving 'ancient grandpa', after I suddenly disappeared into my house and left him and his friends all alone on my porch. Of course, my five young neighbors still didn't know why I suddenly started to cry and then just left them and fled into my house, without giving them a reasonable explanation.

All these thoughts kept milling around and around in my confused brain; until I started to develop a headache and therefore decided to start thinking about something else. However, although I really tried to divert my thoughts, I seemed to be unable to put that hiding little Gypsy boy out of my mind. At last, I decided to try to do something else that might give even more relief. Leaving my cardboard boxes, I entered my living room, sat down on my couch, and closed my eyes, planning to 'relive' everything that had happened.

'Reliving' my actions always helped me seeing things more clearly, and it certainly offered me a deeper insight into a too difficult or too entangled client case. Therefore, I hoped that the hiding little spy had provided my 'aura reading abilities' with enough information...

After closing my eyes, I started to relive the moment when I saw the cleverly hidden little spy for the first time, peeking at me from within his thick bush. For quite some time, he only stared at me as if trying to see some more of the sleeping 'ancient grandpa'. That is, until I became too impatient and waved at him, hoping he had picked up my Universal Love and my welcoming thoughts, so that he would trust me enough to show up and let me see some more of himself.

Immediately after he saw me waving, a tiny boy bolted out of the thick bush and stormed into the adjoining backyard, tripping over his own feet in his sudden hurry to get away! For a second, I stopped my mental picture, to take a better look at the fleeing child. Although his tiny frame looked too small for being eight years old, he displayed a surprisingly strong physique. Unfortunately, I hadn't seen his face, but I was sure I had seen a mop of unruly blond hair... Again, my too analytical brain started to doubt. Didn't all Gypsies have dark hair?

Of course, as a trained psychotherapist, I was also really good at reading people's body language and emotional reactions. Plus, after attending an 'alternative' course in 'aura reading and healing', and practicing those abilities during my therapeutic sessions, I was now able to 'feel' the auras of my little clients while 'sensing' their hidden emotions almost effortlessly. Therefore, I restarted to recall the boy's movements while he fled away, this time combining my observations with what my 'aura reading abilities' could have picked up.

Almost immediately, I sensed quite a lot of self-consciousness and Inner Awareness for such a small child! His surrounding energy field also showed me something extremely special in his proud demeanor that I could best describe as a very powerful aura of Pure Aristocracy, as if this tiny boy could be of Royal Heritage, or perhaps even sort of a little Prince! Or, did all Gypsy children possess such an enormous amount of Inner Power? Again, I wasn't absolutely sure.

After sensing little Harry's surprisingly confident demeanor, I was sure that this extremely proud little Gypsy child was NOT afraid of me, and he would never be! Yes, he HAD been afraid, but only to be rejected for the umpteenth time, once this bearded stranger would see his so terribly burnt face for the first time. That was the only reason why he had decided to flee away instead of showing up to meet me, because he had been afraid of getting disappointed again. In his past two years, too many strangers had reacted severely shocked, nearly fainted, shooed him away, or called him a 'freak' or an 'alien', when they saw his so terribly damaged face for the first time.

Surprisingly, my inside also sensed a strong emotional connection to 'my boy'; as if we had been close friends during many past lives and therefore knew each other's energy fields inside out! By looking at his movements, I could clearly sense his mood and thus tell exactly how he was feeling. My inside was sure that, at this same moment, he was regretting his sudden panic and therefore crying his heart out! Or, was I making this 'inner knowledge' up in my own imagination?

Leaving 'little Harry' for now, my thoughts drifted off towards the other kids I hadn't seen anymore. Where could they be now? Had they already told their little friend about my strange behavior? Of course, they still didn't have any idea why their 'ancient grandpa' suddenly started to cry and then fled into his house. I only hoped they wouldn't think it had been their fault, or that I could have been angry with them, for whatever reason they could think of.

For a split second, I thought about taking a walk around my new neighborhood, hoping to see my young neighbors and then offer them my well-meant excuses. Only, I took the coward's way out and stayed home. Feeling tired from living through all those disturbing emotions, I ambled to my kitchen, rummaged around in my still only halfway filled cupboards until I found some cereal, put it into a cup, and rinsed it down my throat with my umpteenth cup of coffee. Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, I would try to find some local supermarket, so that I could buy lots of real food. Perhaps, I could ask John, or maybe one of the other kids, to bring me to their local supermarket? That is, if they really would show up during the next day...

After wrestling through the evening, whilst feeling lonelier than I ever thought I could be, I decided to call it a day and go to bed early, hoping I would be able to get some sleep in my new double waterbed. Feeling too tired to take a shower, I washed myself in my kitchen with some cold water, before I dived under my blankets and closed my eyes. Fortunately, I fell asleep almost immediately.

Sometime during the night, for the first time since Joshie's death, I had a frightening nightmare! In my dream, the night was pitch dark, while in a clearing along the road a small Gypsy caravan was attached to an old car. At first, nothing happened; until some shadow sneaked towards the small caravan and threw some liquid at it, followed by a burning match. Within a few seconds, both the small caravan and the old car were on fire! Unexpectedly, the caravan door opened and a little boy came stumbling out of it, already burning as a torch while screaming for help with a surprisingly deep baritone voice.

Feeling desperate, I wanted to rescue the burning boy, but my legs felt like being stuck in mud so that I couldn't move them. Fortunately, somebody else pulled the burning boy out of the blazing inferno and quickly rolled him around in some dewed wet grass; until a loudly howling ambulance showed up and raced both the severely burnt little boy and his grownup rescuer towards a nearby hospital.

Feeling devastated, I woke up from my realistic nightmare, whilst still desperately trying to free my legs from their entangling mud. For quite some time, I went on fighting with the crumpled bed sheets that prevented me from rescuing my boy; until I woke up some more, sat upright, and looked around, feeling surprised to be lying in some strangely wobbling bed in some foreign looking bedroom that I didn't recognize. Where had I landed, and what had happened to my normal bedroom? And, where was my burning little son with his surprisingly deep baritone voice, because I still wanted to rescue him...

Just before I could wake up completely, I suddenly heard a warm and soulful sounding voice in my inside that told me:

"This is your final destiny, and your son needs you!"

Immediately, I recognized the same warm and soulful voice in my inside that had asked me to look at a bush in my backyard. Although I quickly looked around for who could have talked to me, I was still alone in my new bedroom, lying in my double waterbed, with my legs entangled in the crumpled bed sheets. Even more surprisingly, I again sensed the well-known feeling of being in perfect harmony with my own little brother, Joshie! Could little Joshie's so-called 'spirit' be around me, to watch over me as sort of my 'guardian angel'? If so, then my old Indian Shaman had really been right, after all...

Involuntarily, I thought of 'Jack', the deceased owner of my newly bought property who also had been little Harry's 'Big Friend'. Could the spirits of both the deceased Jack and little Joshie be around me, although I sensed only Joshie's energy but I could have heard Jack's grownup voice? Still feeling very strange, I first disentangled my legs from the crumpled bed sheets. Fortunately, hearing Jack's warm and soulful voice in my inside had been a really soothing and reassuring sensation, because Jack's powerful Cosmic Love had convinced my inside that everything was all right now. I had received his message and could go back to sleep! After rearranging my bed, I just dived under my blankets and tried to catch some more sleep. Soon, I fell asleep, this time without any more disturbing nightmares.

The next morning, I woke up with the bright morning sun peeking through a crack in my curtains and tickling my eyes. For a moment, I didn't know where I was or what I could be doing here, lying in some strangely wobbling bed in some foreign looking bedroom that I didn't recognize... Then, I started to chuckle, because I remembered my new house, my nightmare, and Jack's warm and soulful voice in my inside. Clearly, I was really becoming a forgetful 'ancient grandpa'!

Still feeling sleepy, I left my bed and ambled downstairs, to find some toiletries. After searching through a few unopened cardboard boxes, I found a toothbrush, a comb, and a bar of soap, plus I took the only kitchen towel I had been able to find so far. Still feeling like a stranger in my new house, I washed my face, combed my hair, and got dressed. Thinking about John, I worked my still wet handkerchief out of my pocket and threw it into my new hamper. Fortunately, I had already found three clean ones in one of my opened cardboard boxes and stuffed them into my pockets. Only, where was the huge packet of tissues I had brought from my old home? I was sure I had put it in one of those cardboard boxes, but hadn't been able to find it yet.

After dressing into something casual, I prepared sort of a breakfast from the few scanty leftovers I could find, and brewed my first cup of heavenly smelling black coffee. After squelching my coffee addiction, I wanted to return upstairs, to take a long and warm shower in my still unused shower stall. Then, I wanted to find a local supermarket, to fill my kitchen cupboards and restock my nearly empty refrigerator. That is, if this small village really had a local supermarket. Would John be able to help me find one, if I could find him first? Where could John be, or one of my other little neighbors, now that I needed them?

Hoping to find one of my young neighbors, I took my coffee to my porch and slumped down on my folding chair. Absent-mindedly, I stared at a flock of twittering sparrows that chased after each other through the surrounding gardens, clearly having lots of fun. One of them landed on the railing of my porch and stared curiously at the bearded newcomer it hadn't seen here before. I smiled at the little bird, and it looked back at me with its tiny head askew, as if it thought:

"Don't you have any breadcrumbs for me? Shame on you, and I expect you to behave better tomorrow morning!"

Shaking its tiny head, the animal took off and followed its friends, probably to resume whatever sparrows could be doing for a living. Still smiling, I made a mental note to make at least a few bird friends, starting tomorrow, by offering them some leftover breadcrumbs.

Still smiling, I looked around again, hoping to see my five young neighbors showing up and entering my still opened gate. Or, could they be afraid of me, after my too peculiar behavior, and would they try to avoid my house from now on? That would be truly sad, because I really wanted to see them again, especially John and his burnt 'little Gypsy brother'! Perhaps, they had to go shopping with their parents, or they had to do a couple of necessary chores first?

Still feeling tired from my nightly emotions, I closed my eyes and dreamed away, whilst enjoying the nice warmth of the morning sun on my face and the welcoming quietness of my new surroundings. This was my newly bought home, I was now living here, and I would certainly try to make the best of everything, with or without any young neighborhood kids and their burnt little Gypsy friend...

Suddenly, I sat upright, feeling surprised about my own peculiar behavior. Why, for heaven's sake, was I thinking about these kids all the time? They were not my clients, I had never seen them before, and I had spoken to them only once, for crying out loud. Yet, these young children seemed to rule my entire life and dominate all my thoughts, especially John and his burnt 'little Gypsy brother'! Never before had I felt this dependent on what was only a bunch of young kids. Since yesterday afternoon, my entire life seemed to revolve solely around John and his burnt 'little Gypsy brother', as if they had become the center of my universe and the real meaning of my existence!

What the heck could be happening to me? Was I really becoming senile, at this way too young age? Where had I left my own free will? This certainly was not my usual 'professional' behavior as a trained psychotherapist, being retired or not. Very clearly, I had to take this unwelcome situation into my own hands immediately! Perhaps, I had to take a therapeutic look at my own behavior first? Hopefully, after I had freed myself from my unwanted emotions and cleared all those disturbing inner thoughts, my mind would be at peace again...

Sitting on my folding chair, I closed my eyes and started to relive what had happened since yesterday, this time focusing on my own emotional reactions. First, I recalled five young neighborhood kids who leaned against my still closed iron gate whilst staring at what the 'ancient grandpa' was doing. Then, the youngest girl started to fumble with its rusty lock, until all five shocked looking kids tumbled over each other and into my driveway, shrieking with laughter whilst trying to disentangle from their disordered pile! After looking into my backyard, the oldest boy asked them where 'Harry' could be...

Fortunately, I liked kids and always enjoyed working with them and helping them overcome their emotional problems. Many times, both my little clients and their grateful parents assured me I was an excellent therapist who showed an enormous amount of real love and understanding for their childhood troubles and other difficulties.

Now, I recalled the oldest boy, John, who seemed to be very fond of his 'adopted little Gypsy brother'. Again, my inside was sure that I recognized this particular young boy with his deep brown eyes, as if he once had been my dearest friend and I had known him all my life! Although my analytical mind still refused to believe in any 'new-age' things like 'reincarnation' or 'past lives', my inside seemed to be sure that this young boy and I had been close friends of around the same age, during at least one past life that also included 'little Harry'...

Again feeling uneasy, I discarded those ideas and went on reliving what had happened. Up to now, as a trained psychotherapist, I had always been in control of my own feelings and emotions. However, when John told me about his burnt little Gypsy brother and everybody calling him a 'freak' or an 'alien', all my carefully maintained defense mechanisms fell into shambles! For the first time since my horrible youth, I lost all control and started to cry my heart out, not knowing anymore what to do, or how to cope with my disturbing emotions.

Surprisingly, my gut feelings also told me that someone else could have arranged our meeting! Could Jack, who was the deceased owner of my newly bought house and who had been the 'Big Friend' of the burnt little boy he had rescued, have had a hand in this? Could Jack have arrange our meeting on the porch of his former abode, knowing I was a trained psychotherapist and would therefore be able to help his badly burnt little Gypsy friend cope with his misfortunes?

Only, Jack was already dead and buried since two months, and my analytical mind still stubbornly refused to believe in any 'ghostly' or maybe 'spiritual' influences from 'the beyond'. Dead was dead, and death was the definitive end of everything! Everybody knows that! There had to be another more reasonable explanation, unless my too rational mind could be wrong in its assumptions, and those 'past lives' or 'reincarnations' were a reality that I seriously had to reckon with...

Why was I again feeling little Joshie's well-known energy around me, as if he watched over me as my 'guardian angel' or 'spirit guide'? Why was, at the same time, my inside sure that Jack, the deceased former owner of my newly bought house, also was around me, here, on what once had been HIS porch and now was MY porch?

Unnoticed, those feelings of having company had been growing stronger and stronger, until I couldn't possibly deny them anymore... Both the late Jack's and little Joshie's 'spirits' WERE here, on Jack's former porch, making me sense the same harmony that I always felt while my own little brother with his knowing eyes stared at me! Could my old Indian Shaman really have been right, after all? Could people be able to survive death and stay around their former property to 'haunt' innocent people who unwittingly bought it, as I once saw in some weird 'paranormal' film? Involuntarily, I shuddered, while my body got little goose bumps all over its arms and legs.

This time feeling VERY uneasy, I rose from my folding chair and went inside. Trying to distract my still confused mind, I started to unpack the next cardboard box and put its contents away. However, within a few seconds, I was again brooding about where John and his burnt little Gypsy brother could be now. Would I ever see them back, or had they already forgotten everything about this 'ancient grandpa'? That would be truly sad, because I really wanted to see them back...

Suddenly, my extremely loud doorbell rang, while its harsh sound reverberated through the entire house! Shuddering from its way too loud noise, I made a mental note to buy a friendlier sounding bell, the first time I had to go downtown. How could the late Jack ever have lived with such a nasty sounding thing in his house? Muttering under my breath, I left my cardboard boxes and sauntered to my front door, planning to brush off the unwelcome visitor I was sure I hadn't invited. This could be only some happy sounding sales representative who wanted to sell the 'new proprietor' a 'very important' insurance policy that I was already sure I absolutely didn't need! Feeling a bit angry, I opened my front door and stepped outside.

The next moment, I couldn't say anything from sudden happiness, while I stared in surprise at my 'former friend', John! After ringing my doorbell, John had politely stepped back into my front garden. From there, he looked at me with his infinitely deep brown orbs that pierced straight into mine, as if searching my inside for any signs of rejection. Could John be afraid I would be angry with him, after my impolite behavior of leaving him and his friends alone on my porch?

Again, John's appearance made me think of my own little brother, Joshie, who always looked at me with those same curious deep brown orbs! Supposed little Joshie could have survived death and had grown up and married; my grownup little brother and John could easily be father and son, thus making John sort of my 'nephew'...

At unexpectedly seeing my young friend back, my heart started to jump around in my chest with joy. Fortunately, my young neighbors hadn't forgotten me, and I would be still able to meet their burnt little Gypsy friend! Only, where were the other kids? Could they have sent John as their representative? Happily, I invited John in:

"Hi, my friend, I am truly happy to see you again! Please come in, and would you care for another cup of tea?"

For a couple of seconds, John only stared back at me, as if he still searched my deepest intentions for any telltale signs of hidden anger or rejection. When I just smiled back at him, he finally seemed to feel reassured and asked me with a nervous sounding voice:

"Please sir, can I... Sorry sir, MAY I have a talk with you first?"

Feeling more than happy to see my 'former friend' back, I opened my front door even wider, while I responded:

"Yes, of course! In fact, I wanted to talk to you as well, and I also want to ask you a few questions. For example, does this small village have a supermarket? But, let's go to the kitchen first."

Clearly feeling much happier now that I didn't seem to be angry, John climbed the few steps to my porch and entered my hallway, where he politely waited for me to shut my front door. Then, he just followed me into my kitchen, although still keeping a safe distance. On my way, I first opened my hallway closet to get a second folding chair. Fortunately, I had purchased quite a lot of them in advance, to be prepared for any unexpected visitors that might show up.