I was our Gypsy Leader 1 - My reincarnated Soul Mate - 6. Chapter 6. Meeting - and losing - my little Soul Mate.

Involuntarily feeling a deep reverence, I tried to 'read' my boy's aura, in which I sensed a Very Old Soul and Wise Cosmic Master who temporarily lived in this tiny body until he had grown up enough to start fulfilling his Important Task on Earth, working together with ME! Again, I remembered my old Indian Shaman. According to him, my soul possessed many 'Cosmic Abilities', but I would be able to use my Powers only after I first met several former friends from my past lives. Had I really once been such a powerful Shaman myself? And, what the heck could those 'Cosmic Abilities' be?

Again, my inside remembered being some famous Gypsy Leader who had been nicknamed 'Gypsy Monarch Harold the Great'. In that past life, this tiny kid had been our grownup Vice Leader, while John had been his own little son who was totally devoted to me! Working closely together, our Beloved Vice Leader and I had founded our modern Gypsy way of living; by filling it up with much more Caring Love, Freedom, Understanding, and Compassion...

Again, my baffled mind didn't know anymore what to think of all those unexpected revelations. Had I really once been a famous Gypsy Leader, during one of my past lives; and had really little Harry been my Beloved Vice Leader, and had John been Harry's own little son who had been totally devoted to me? Or, was I becoming senile at this way too young age, and was my mind now playing tricks with my confused brain? If only I could get some undeniable proof...

Forgetting about the still waiting kids and their pending drinking orders, I sank down onto one knee to be on the same level as my little Gypsy friend. Still feeling a deep reverence, I opened my arms wide towards 'my boy', as if silently inviting him into my embrace. As if coming out of a deep trance, I also heard myself ask:

"Hi, my friend, I suppose you are Harry? Of course, you are very welcome in your former abode, and may I have a hug please?"

Immediately after hearing my unexpected question, my so very powerful little Shaman seemed to turn into just a little boy! All of a sudden, he started to feel unsure and only stared at me wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Clearly, he hadn't expected to get such spontaneous welcome from this bearded 'ancient grandpa' who was finally able to see his so badly burnt 'freaky' face for the first time...

However, after what felt like only a split second, he quickly pulled himself together. Again, he stared deeply into my eyes, while I could feel him reenter my protective aura, this time to search my deepest core for sincerity. Could he really trust me? Would I really accept him for who he was, now that I finally could see his so badly burnt face? Or, would I soon feel too disgusted and just turn him down, as many other grownups had done immediately after they had been able to see his so terribly burnt face for the first time?

While again sending my boy as much Universal Love as I was able to muster, I assured him in my mind that I really wanted to be his friend. He could trust me absolutely, and I would never let him down! Again, my boy picked up all my thoughts; and, finally, he decided to trust me. Whilst quickly recovering, his wonderful bright blue eyes started to sparkle with joy. Trustingly, he let go of his last traces of fear and let all his defenses down, so that his protective aura opened up to me completely, which allowed me to take an unexpected look at all his hitherto hidden fears, doubts, and secret longings.

Unexpectedly, I was able to read my boy's aura like an open book wherein I could see all his pains, sadness, and loneliness; next to a deep longing to belong to another loving grownup who cared for him. Yet, he still had some remaining fears, after all the rejections and humiliations he had gone through up to now. Would I really accept him for who he was, including his badly burnt arms and face, now that I could see those unclad parts of his body? Could he really trust me, as I had promised him in my thoughts; because he was still a little bit afraid of being rejected, now that I could see how extremely badly those ugly burns, scars, and colored stains were in reality?

Again, I started to send him my most honest feelings of respect and friendship. At the same time, I assured him again that I felt truly honored to be his older friend... Again, my boy's brightly sparkling eyes told me he had picked up all my thoughts; and this time he also decided to take the risk of accepting my friendship. Trustingly, he took a few quick steps towards me, and then he just turned around and leaned into my chest, as if totally committing himself to me!

Nothing in the world can ever describe my happiness, now that my little 'trapper son' from our past lives so trustfully committed himself to me. Several powerful waves of Sheer Bliss and Pure Love felt like exploding in my inside, which almost overwhelmed me! This was MY boy, once my most gifted Pupil, my trusted Gypsy Vice Leader, and forever and ever my one and only 'Eternal Soul Mate'!

Overflowing with pure happiness, I folded my arms around my boy's surprisingly warm frame and pulled him into a welcoming hug... With an enormous smile that zipped open from ear to ear, my boy leaned even closer into my chest, while his small hands clamped onto my embracing arms as if trying to seal them around his tiny waist. With a deep sigh of utmost content, he tried to melt even further into my enveloping aura full of Pure Love and Tenderness.

Finally taking my 'Eternal Soul Mate' into my arms felt like the fulfillment of all the things that I had ever wanted during my present life. Everything fell into place, as if we had reached the first step into our Final Destiny! Again, remembrances showed up in my inside, of my little son and I sitting around a crackling fire, having very much fun while telling each other silly stories. Today, our grownup 'trapper friend' joined us, drinking coffee whilst now and then taking my bouncing little son on his knee. The man had John's deep brown eyes and dark brown hair with those same little curls at the edges...

Still feeling very strange, I forced my confused mind to leave my 'memories from our past lives' and return into the here and now. All these new revelations had been demanding too much from my old and therefore also a little bit rusty brain. Besides, my still confused mind COULD have made those strange things up! Apart from that, today, I finally held my Eternal Soul Mate in my arms, and that was all that counted. From now on, we would always stay together, and my inside was already planning not to let him go ever again!

Still overflowing with lots of Pure Love and Tender Loving Care for my reincarnated 'little trapper son' from our past lives, I pulled his tiny frame even closer against my chest. Feeling totally happy, I bent over towards my broadly smiling boy and put a warm kiss onto his forehead. That was what I always used to do with my little brother and with my own daughters. Cuddling and kissing them had always been my strongest means of expressing my Honest Love for them.

With a surprising agility, my little 'reincarnated Soul Mate' turned around in my arms, so that he could look straight into my eyes. Still showing me a smile from ear to ear that told me of his Love and Trust, he put his small arms around my neck and pulled himself upright, so that he could reach my surprised looking face. Without any hesitancy, he kissed me back. Only, unlike I always did with my own little brother and with my own daughters, he kissed me full on my mouth! Two wrinkled but also surprisingly warm lips eagerly pressed against mine, forcefully, as if he tried to to send me a message...

For a moment, I felt too embarrassed to react. Never before had any stranger kissed me on my mouth like this. To me, with my strict and puritanical upbringing, kissing on someone's mouth was not only very inappropriate, but it was almost a SIN when it wasn't your own flesh and blood that did it. My own parents never kissed me; and I had kissed my little brother, but solely on his forehead and certainly nowhere else! Involuntarily, my inside started to shudder with sudden disgust, while my entire body cramped together and stiffened.

Heaven knows I couldn't help it, and I certainly hadn't planned it. At that same moment when my boy's surprisingly warm lips touched mine, my inside felt shocked into my deepest core! Instinctively, my enveloping arms paralyzed, while my mouth tried to pull away from this way too impropriate contact with what was only a little child. Even my own daughters never kissed me on my mouth! Only my wife had been allowed to kiss me like this, but solely in the intimacy of our closed bedroom. Now, all of a sudden, this eight-year-old small kid kissed me full on my mouth as if we could be bride and groom!

Feeling shocked into my deepest core, my perplexed inside didn't know anymore what to do. Should I push the little sinner away from me and then explain to him why I didn't want to be kissed like this? However, I also didn't want my burnt little friend to feel guilty about showing me what probably had been only his childish affection; plus I didn't want my boy to feel rejected during our first meeting! Feeling more and more uneasy, I decided to do nothing but wait; until my boy understood my message and stopped his inappropriate kiss...

After what felt like an awkward eternity, my boy finally withdrew his crumpled and surprisingly warm lips from mine. His small arms left my neck, while his tiny body slumped down and slipped through my still paralyzed arms, from where he slid towards the floor and collapsed into a heap. Slumping down onto the floor, he first heaved a couple of heartbreaking sighs, and then he started to cry, although he tried to muffle his sobs so as not to alarm his still waiting friends.

Although I desperately tried to pull my 'normal' self together, my too perplexed brain just couldn't understand why my boy suddenly started to cry. What could have happened to him, and why had he suddenly slumped down onto my fortunately carpeted kitchen floor? Could his own emotions have been too much for him? Yes, of course, that was what could have happened to him! Little Harry had been too excited for his own good, and therefore he now needed some more time to regain his posture and pull himself together...

Because my mind also couldn't think straight anymore, I decided to switch into my 'professional autopilot'. That was what I always did in a too difficult client case where I didn't know what to do anymore. Automatically, I decided to give my boy some more personal space, as I normally always did with my little clients when they started to be too emotional. Little Harry would probably feel more at ease when he could join his still waiting friends at the kitchen table!

Feeling satisfied with my decision, I rose to my feet, scooped my sobbing little friend off the floor, and carried him to my kitchen table where I took an empty folding chair, sat down, and lifted the sobbing little rag doll onto my lap, facing me. Silently, I waited until the still quietly sobbing boy would recover and stop crying...

However, after several seconds of waiting in vain, I thought it would be better for him if he could see his 'big brother'. Ultimately, I was still a stranger to him, because we had met for the first time only a few minutes ago! Trying to be helpful, I started to turn the still silently sobbing little rag doll around, to let him face his big brother John and all the other still waiting children.

Instantly, my boy looked up at me, but with a severely shocked face! For a second, he stopped crying and only stared at me. Then, he screamed, with a surprisingly deep baritone voice:

"NOOOooooooo..."

After ferociously fighting himself free from my still enclosing arms, he left my lap and slid down onto the kitchen floor; from where he quickly scrambled upright and stumbled to the still open door, on his way nearly tripping over his own feet. He threw himself into the hallway, from where we heard him open the front door, stumble out of the house, and then disappear somewhere into our neighborhood, on his way leaving all doors wide open...

Feeling totally dumbstruck, I slumped back on my folding chair and silently looked around. What the heck could have happened to that suddenly screaming little boy? Whilst staring at the open kitchen door, my still too confused mind didn't comprehend what I could have done wrong. For heaven's sake, why had little Harry suddenly screamed and fled away? Should I now go after my crying boy and try to bring him back? Only, what would my new neighbors think of me, if they suddenly saw this bearded 'grandpa' chasing after a crying little boy through their backyards? Whilst living in our so mistrustful world, I didn't want to be pointed at as a potential child molester!

Feeling still dumbstruck and speechless, I looked at my young friend John and raised my eyebrows; but John seemed to be at least as bewildered as I was, because he only shrugged his shoulders. Then, after a second of waiting in awkward silence, John looked at me again with a disappointed face, while he hesitatingly suggested:

"Shall I go after Harry and try to bring him back?"

Still feeling totally numb and dumbfounded, I stuttered:

"Well, I'm not sure... Do you have any idea why your little brother suddenly started to scream and fled away?"

Looking more and more disappointed, John answered:

"Sorry, sir, but I'm sure we will have to ask him about that first! Come on, folks, let's go outside and try to find Harry..."

Without saying another word, John just rose from his folding chair while beckoning all his friends to follow him. Following John, they hurried outside through the still wide open doors. Being the last one, Marrie helpfully closed my front door, before all my little neighbors spread out and disappeared into the adjoining backyards.

Suddenly, my house was totally empty. The unexpected silence felt eerie; and I still hadn't the faintest idea what could have happened or what I could have done wrong. Could I have misread little Harry? Or, had I done something stupid, probably without realizing what I was doing? Still feeling numb, I poured the milk from the saucepan into the sink and put the unused glasses away. Then, I brewed a fresh cup of black coffee, in a desperate effort to clear my still entangled mind. Of course, I had to pull myself together and clear my thoughts first, before I would be able to find out what could have happened to my so unexpectedly disappearing little Gypsy friend.

After drinking some coffee, I slumped down on my folding chair, closed my eyes, and started to replay all the events in my mind. That was what I normally always did when I unexpectedly encountered a too difficult problem. By looking at our interactions, I hoped to gain at least some more insight in what could have happened...

First, I recalled six neighborhood children who huddled together in front of my house. Five kids looked up at me with expectant faces, but the sixth one shyly hid behind his friends. Obviously, little Harry still didn't want me to see his badly burnt face, although John should have told him about my own burnt little brother, as he had promised just before he left my house to bring his little brother to me.

After inviting everybody in, I just turned around and entered my house, hoping my little neighbors would feel less wary about visiting such an unknown bearded stranger. Being free to enter voluntarily, I hoped they would feel more at ease by knowing they would also be free to leave voluntarily... The idea seemed to work, because all six kids just followed me into my kitchen, including little Harry.

Now, I recalled John and Thomas, sitting at my kitchen table and waiting for their orders to be taken, while Mark and Chrissie joined them. A motherly looking Marrie held her arms around a hesitating little boy, while she in vain tried to push him towards me; although he still tried to hide his burnt face from my eyes. At that moment, I decided to do nothing. Trying to avoid my earlier mistake, I just let my little Gypsy friend make his own decisions in his own time. I only started to send him lots of Universal Love, whilst telling him in my mind he could trust me and that I wanted to be his friend.

Surprisingly, little Harry reacted immediately, as if he could have heard all my thoughts! Instantly, he lifted his head and stared straight into my eyes, as if effortlessly reading my inside like an open book. Rarely had I met a child that was able to see through my so carefully built up defenses, and never before had any child read my hidden thoughts and uncovered my deepest secrets this effortlessly! Could this tiny boy really be an upcoming little 'Shaman'? Probably, he was already one, perhaps without knowing where he was heading...

At this moment, I also recalled my boy's terribly burnt face. His scarred forehead showed several reddish patches and ugly strings of wild flesh. His little pug nose was halfway gone, making his too big nostrils look like black holes in a severely burnt face. The left side of his mouth was askew with both wrinkled lips crumpled and shriveled. His also burnt right ear stuck to his head, and the rest of his face looked stained in several different colors. Therefore, after seeing such an 'alien' face, nobody could possibly deny it: This terribly burnt little child WAS a 'freaky' sight, certainly to anyone who saw his so badly burnt face for the first time, or who wasn't used to having their own badly burnt little brother around.

Surprisingly, despite his terrible ordeal, this remarkable child still maintained an extremely strong aura of Pure Inner Power! He also seemed to be truly proud of himself, and his clearly radiant spirit was still unbroken. Therefore, my so terribly burnt little Gypsy friend and 'upcoming little Shaman' certainly was an amazing little soldier. And, despite everything that had happened, he was still MY BOY...

After drinking some more coffee, I went on recalling how I bent forward and tenderly kissed my boy's stained forehead. Had I kissed him too soon after we met for the first time? Or, wasn't this burnt boy used to being kissed by anybody at all? That would be truly sad... However, he quickly turned around in my arms and looked up at me while showing me a huge smile and sparkling bright blue eyes full of joy and acceptance. Clearly, he had appreciated my spontaneous kiss very much! Then, he put his small arms around my neck, pulled his tiny frame upright, and kissed me back, straight onto my mouth. Two wrinkled and surprisingly warm lips eagerly pressed against mine, as if he tried to send me an important message...

Because my shocked inside started to feel uneasy again, I decided to take an honest therapeutic look at my own puritanical behavior first, hoping to be able to see my boy's 'sinful' kiss in a somewhat different light. Why had I always thought that kissing on someone's mouth could be a SIN, while I clearly remembered seeing many parents and young children greeting each other by kissing them on their mouths? Only, I had never before given such 'sinful' behavior a second thought, because both those parents and their young kids seemed to be used to greeting each other like this! Therefore, could my own too puritanical reaction have been overdone, by feeling 'sinful' about what had only been a spontaneous kiss from a young child that adored me? Probably, little Harry had only expressed his spontaneous affection towards me, as a happy young child that greeted an adored grownup!

Now that I got such a clarifying insight, I just went on replaying. After what felt like an eternity but in reality was only a few seconds, little Harry stopped his kiss and withdrew his wrinkled lips from mine. Whilst sliding through my paralyzed arms, he slumped down onto the carpeted kitchen floor, first heaved a couple of frustrated sighs, and then he started to cry, although he also tried to muffle his sobs...

At that moment, I thought that his emotions had been too much for him. Therefore, I decided to give him some more space by letting him join his 'older brother'. He didn't protest when I scooped him off the floor and took him into my arms. His tiny body just sagged against my chest, while I carried the sobbing little rag doll to the kitchen table. After first letting him face me, I decided to turn him around so that he could face his 'older brother' and his other friends... Exactly at that moment, my boy stopped crying, looked up at me, and stared deeply into my eyes as if he could feel severely disappointed! When I didn't react, he started to scream, ferociously fought himself free from my enveloping arms, and then ran away into an adjoining backyard!

For heaven's sake, what could I have done wrong? Little Harry started to scream immediately after I turned him around on my lap... Could his turning around be the problem? Could it be that he did not WANT to be turned around to face John and all those other kids? What if he felt too ashamed about his crying? Then, I saw something even more important that I hadn't seen before. Turning around hadn't been HIS decision, but MINE! Clearly, I hadn't asked my little friend what HE wanted, but just assumed I would be doing the right things. This too unprofessional behavior was a serious lack of consideration! How, for heaven's sake, could I have overlooked such an important thing? Did I really once think I could be a good therapist?

Feeling severely disappointed about my unprofessional behavior, I rose from my chair and first brewed another cup of black coffee. This time, I took my coffee outside and sat down on my porch, hoping my little neighbors and their burnt Gypsy friend would show up again... Only, the street in front of my house was empty, and it stayed empty. Where could all those little neighbors be now? Would I ever see them again? Or, would they feel too disappointed about my obvious lack of consideration and try to avoid my house from now on? That would be truly sad, because I really wanted to talk to 'my boy' and also offer him my honest excused for acting too unprofessional!

Still waiting for my little neighbors to show up again, I decided to take another professional look at my own inside, and I also wanted to take a closer look at my relationship with my own burnt little brother. Therefore, I closed my eyes and started to remember my own difficult youth. As far as I knew, little Joshie and I had always been in perfect harmony with each other. However, was that the truth? Or, had our 'harmony' been only some wishful thinking? I tried to picture my little brother in my mind, but was surprised to see that I didn't remember how he looked. Why couldn't I remember his face? Had I ever really looked into his eyes, to see who he was and what he wanted? So far, I always assumed he had brown eyes, just like mine...

Had I ever talked with Joshie? I mean, REALLY talked with him? I always talked TO him, sure, to tell him what my parents or I wanted him to do. But, did I ever talk WITH him, waiting for and listening to HIS answers? Slowly, I started to realize that I didn't even know my own little brother. When he was still little, I bathed him, I dried him, I tickled him until he laughed, I put him into his bed, and I kissed his forehead. However, that was all the contact I ever maintained with my always happy little brother. I was so used to having him around, as a faithful little puppy, that I often didn't even realize he was there...

Little Joshie was always there, seemingly feeling happy. The only time he seemed to need me, was when a thunderstorm raged, which always made him crawl into my bed and want to sleep next to me for the rest of the night. However, I couldn't remember ever putting my arms around his shivering little body, even after he burnt himself and became totally dependent on me. Even outside, I always just dragged him with me, with his burnt little stump in my much bigger hand...

Had I really been that egotistic? Even after little Joshie had caught himself on fire, I never asked him what HE wanted. I had to take him with me, always and whenever I went outside, but was that what HE wanted? I just dragged him with me... Of course, my little brother couldn't speak anymore; but, certainly, his eyes could have told me something. Only, I never looked into them... I was still sure that I had loved my little brother, but, very clearly, I didn't even KNOW Joshie! Why had I never looked into his eyes, to see what he really wanted?