IceBerg - 8. Chapter 8

Ugh.

Pulling myself back up, I wiped my feeble hand over my mouth. My tongue was acid, and my old mop bucket was getting the full load of it.

I stared at the repulsive bucket of vomit of shame near my bed and rolled my head back on the pillow. The reek hoovered all over my bedroom like death hanging on for eternity. Sniffing, I let out a breath and glanced over to my phone.

It was nearly four in the afternoon and my phone hadn’t received any messages despite me hearing it go off three times. I didn’t even want to get up to walk over to the laptop. My headache left me a while, but my muscles were still aching.

‘Ugh!’

I threw my hands on my face and rubbed. My face felt so dry and stiff, my eyes were so sore. I felt like all the energy had drained from me. My pillow was damp.

I crumbled into my chest, both my hands in tight fists. Gasping, I felt like all the air was burning into my chest and I gritted my teeth. I blinked and I saw it all happening again.

The night before.

My stomach ached with humiliation.

So, this was what a drunk hook up felt like? If you could even call it that. This amount of self-loathing? I didn’t understand it all. He kissed me first then he turned away.

Then he flinched.

Throwing myself over the bed, I retched hard into the bucket.

Jake’s little voice whispered with great softness, ‘Well, it’s really is a hook up because he won’t ever message you again. Just a straight guy wanting to mess around. You are an idiot. This is the reason why you will always be alone. You will always be alone. No one will ever want you after me. Always alone.’

I snatched up the clock next to me and heaved it across the room. It clapped a smash against the wall, snapping into two main pieces.

Groaning to myself, I curled my hands against my temples and I slammed the back of my head into the pillow. My fists got tighter and tighter.

I never did that. Not normally. I never just kissed someone like that. I date and I … was seeing someone. Alex.

What was I doing?

My phone started to sing. Turning my head, I stared at it, tilting to the side. Was it really ringing this time or was my head poking fun at me again?

No. It was mum. She was ringing me. I placed the phone back down and let it ring out. I could see the silhouettes of people outside cast on the celling. Benefit of living on a busy apartment block was that everyone rushed by outside and I always caught their shadows.

My phone rang again. She wouldn’t stop until I answered.

Picking it up, I sat up, let out a long breath, cleared my throat, ‘Hi.’

‘Everything okay, sweetie? It’s Sunday!’

Sunday?

‘Oh, yes, I know I,’ I coughed. ‘I forgot to come to service. I will come next week.’

‘Your throat sounds sore. Do you have a chest infection again? Because I get your father to drive up.’

‘Mum, don’t worry about me. It won’t happen again, I am, just not very well.’

‘Oh! I see! You had a little bit to drink last night,’ she teased.

Agh. I didn’t want to talk about this to her.

I inhaled a hard breath and rolled my eyes, ‘I’ll be fine later.’

‘If you’ll be fine later, me and your father are having some food at six thirty. That is plenty of time for you to have a shower and come over. You know you can’t underestimate the power of a shower, ha, listen to me! Power of a shower, I could be another writer!’

‘Sounds like a good idea, mum,’ I said, my face feeling numb.

‘I made my homemade lasagne today, too.’

I smiled a little. She hadn’t made that for a while.

‘I always overcook so you could take some home with you.’

‘Mum.’

‘Just for an hour or so? It doesn’t feel right without you here.’

Normally I would have grunted and made some comment that I wasn’t eighteen anymore. But I felt so fragile that morning.

‘If I come over, don’t fuss over me, okay?’

‘I have homemade remedies cures for hangovers for you.’

‘Please, stop.’

‘Okay, okay. I won’t push. Just get a shower, brush your hair, drive over.’

‘Alright.’

She added, ‘Also getting rid of that beard?’

For the first time that morning, my lips curled into a real smile, ‘You got to stop asking me that. See you soon.’

‘Bye, son! I love you!’

I muttered love into the phone and hung up.

Gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes and rocked myself off onto my feet.

Stumbling into the kitchen, my legs were shaking. I sat myself down on the chair, it was cold against my bare thighs. I coughed and tilted the laptop screen up.

A mad flashing was going off. AJ.

‘Hope you had a good night last night!’

He might as well have smiled and punched me in the face.

I could try and lie. I typed, ‘Yes! Really awesome.’

My fingers froze up on the keys. No. I couldn’t do that. I pressed delete.

‘Just lie,’ sang Jake. ‘You can lie. Pretend you aren’t any in pain, that it was fine and that you aren’t worried that Charlie won’t ever message you back or won’t want to finish that story, pretend that the future you planned in your head isn’t already over and you won’t get your stories out there, pretend you never kissed another man whilst also seeing a Greek God, and pretend that you never kissed a straight man and it made your heart nearly explode.’

Alex's bright and cheerful comment glared back at me. He had been waiting an answer all day.

I stamped my feet hard against the floor, slamming the laptop lid open and shut, open and shut.

Stop it.

I reached forward and the words splurged out of me, ‘It was a mixed night. Are you okay to talk on the phone?’

My stomach was hollow with hunger. I got up and went to the fridge. Picking out the milk, I took a quick swig of it.

I sniffed, and went back to the laptop. Alex had replied. I didn’t know if his timely reply was a good thing or bad.

He had sent me his number. I went to the bedroom and dialled the number. I perched myself on the edge of the bed, clinging on the sheets. Each dial tone made me clench my jaw more and more.

‘Hello!’

Crap. His voice was so cheerful.

I was such a moron.

‘Hi. It’s um, Nathanial’ my voice scratched out, so quiet.

‘What happened, Nathanial? Everything okay?’ his voice was deep with care.

‘Yes, I’m…’

‘You deserve to be alone,’ Jake hissed.

Agh! I scrunched my free hand into a fist to my temple.

I couldn’t.

Words died out on my tongue.

‘Please tell me what’s wrong? I can come over to yours, where do you live? I can come over in an hour.’

‘Something happened last night,’ I strained each word, pulling it out. ‘If I tell you, you won’t like me.’

‘Nothing would ever make me not like you, Nathanial. Not even if you murdered a million people.’ he paused. ‘You didn’t murder anyone last night, did you? Definitely didn't run anyone over?’

‘Ha,’ I sniffed a laugh.

‘You can tell me in absolute confidence okay. Please let me at least be your friend.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why did you want to talk to me over the phone, Nathanial?’

I closed my eyes, ‘Because hearing your voice makes me feel better.’

‘It’s okay to say Nathanial,’ his voice was soft as he encouraged me. ‘Just let it out, don’t worry if it upsets me, you can trust me to say anything you want.’

Jake’s voice began to gnarl in head, ‘He says that, but does he really mean it?’

‘We kissed,’ I said.

Silence. Those words just fell out of mouth.

I burbled, ‘Charlie and I, we got very drunk and he leaned over and kissed me, and he freaked out and told me to leave.’

My chest panted. The whole apartment was still reeling from the bucket.

Still silence. Jake was right.

My voice broke a little, ‘Alex, I um.’ I cleared my weak throat and tried to go on, ‘I know that I have let you down.’

‘Don’t say things like that, Nathanial,’ his voice was still so soft and calm. ‘I am not going to sit here and lie to you. I really like you, Nathanial, I really like you.’

I had ruined everything.

‘But you haven’t done anything wrong. We went on one date and we never even kissed. So, what right do I have to be upset by anything you did?’

‘You do have a right. We have been talking for a while.’

‘We are not a couple though,’ he paused. ‘I would like to be.’

‘Even after all this? I don’t know what will happen with Charlie now, he just freaked out, he was so drunk and sad about his ex and getting cut from his show. He was so angry at me.’

‘You just explained everything yourself there, he was drunk and sad. He is probably embarrassed. If I had a chance to kiss you it would never be an embarrassing experience.’

My shoulders softened, my chests warmed up.

‘It sounds like Charlie is hurt, just give him some space. Don’t get involved and be his emotional punching bag. You are way better than that Nathanial Greystone. You deserve more than that.’

Wow.

Cradling the phone to my ear, I whispered, ‘I would like us to be a couple too.’

There was a huge pause.

‘I, um, I understand if you can’t be,’ I added, my voice muffled.

‘I do! I do,’ he sighed. ‘I, just, I feel awful saying this, but I couldn’t be out. Publicly. That’s not with a gay thing, that’s with any relationship, I keep everything extremely private.’

‘I don’t mind that.’

‘Are you sure? I do want to be with you, but I feel like I need to be upfront with you. Like I said, you deserve more.’

I replied, ‘You really do make me feel better, Alex. Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?’

‘But we couldn’t be public’

‘I don’t care about that, Alex!’ I stood up. ‘I know that I want to be with you.’

‘Okay,’ he said. He paused. ‘I guess, we are a couple now?’

‘Right from this moment?’ I laughed a little, sniffing against my hand.

‘This very second,’ he chuckled.

I let out a sigh and said, ‘Thank you, Alex. Just thank you.’

‘You don’t have to thank me,’ his voice ridiculed, laughing.

 
                                                                     ***

Bursting into the flat, I hurried over to the main room. I kicked my wires under the table and with one sweep, I pushed all empty packets of crisps and Chinese boxes into my bin.

‘Sorry about the mess,’ I called over my shoulder. He took his time shutting the front door. ‘I know it is hard to believe but I did clean everything up two days ago. Oli came over and, well, you know.’

He laughed. That deep soothing laughter. I sighed, closed my eyes and let my ears bathe in it.

‘It’s actually a pretty awesome place,’ he said.

I opened my eyes and turned around to him. He shrugged his long black coat off; his smile was wide and white. He stretched and his arms rose above his head. I couldn’t help but watch his muscles move. Every simple thing he did was like magic, even stretching. He waved his hand and lifted his other hand up holding the bags containing the leftover Thai food.

‘It’s quirky, like you,’ he noticed me staring. He winked.

My cheeks flushed. I cocked an eyebrow, straightened my back and folded my arms, ‘Yes. Well. Thank you for being overly polite.’

I paused and looked around for my small T.V. Walking over, I bent over and started to mess with the wires. I called over my shoulder for him, ‘I can get the Xbox on, I don’t play that much but you know.’

‘So, this is really where the magic happens?’ he sounded so excited.

Magic? I frowned and turned around. He was standing next to my desk, looking down on my laptop, the screen half closed. He was biting his bottom lip, his fingers reached forward and just brushed the side of the screen.

He looked up to me, and started to laugh, ‘You sure you should be putting that near you mouth?’

‘What? Oh,’ I stopped chewing the wire and wiped the drool off my face. My face was still red. I coughed and carried on what I was originally doing. Putting the Xbox on.

‘If you want sit over there,’ I said finishing off, plugging everything in.

I aimlessly pointed in the direction of the couch. Picking myself up, I sat on one side, pulling my legs up and crossing them. He walked past and sat down with such elegance. Glancing over at him, I caught his eye.

I passed him the other controller, muttering as I clicked the buttons. ‘I, um, haven’t played this for a while.’

I already said that. I thought I had already said that. I couldn’t remember.

He reached over and brushed his thumb around my ear. My breath was caught in my throat.

‘I haven’t done this for a while either,’ he whispered. Even when he whispered, his voice was so strong, so sure of himself. ‘Don’t worry about entertaining me, I wanted to come back here. With you.’

He took his hand away. Sitting very still, I let out a little breath that had been trapped.

I looked over to him; he was biting his bottom lip again. He knew I was looking. Reaching forward, he opened the bag of food.

Sweet Thai scents floated in the air. It was so warm, majestic. This was my first takeaway for a while. I had been cooking real meals with vegetables for the last month.

Hard to believe it had been two and a half months.

Two and a half months of dating Alex W. Scott. It sometimes didn’t feel real and I had no idea how to handle those thoughts.

I blinked. The screen had been saying ‘start’ for a while. Bolting up, I took quick strides towards the kitchen, to grab some forks. I brought them back and put them in the Thai food and I sat back down. It was still silent.

‘This isn’t even mine,’ I blurted out. ‘It’s Oli’s. He brought it over one time and never came back for it.’

‘So, we can both guess at this together then?’

I laughed and relaxed into couch, ‘I guess we can. Oli loves all these old retro fighting games.’ I paused. ‘I would like you guys to meet.’

We played this game for an hour, and I noticed, throughout the ridiculous losing and accidentally finding out sweet fighting moves, that Alex had moved closer to me. Now and then, he reached over and touched my hand, my arm, my ear. Just briefly, a few seconds. But he made words stop, my mind stopped, and I could only just close my eyes and feel warmth. The smile hadn’t left my face yet.

It had been a while since I had felt this good. This normal. I was even sleeping before midnight now. Everything was better and I wanted to hold my breath for it to last forever.

‘Oh, wait, no, I didn’t mean to press that!’ he exclaimed, clicking away at the button.

I laughed and stood up, ‘Player one wins!’ I stretched and coughed. I pointed over my shoulder, ‘I’m getting a drink, you want?’

He was staring again. A smile perked at the side of my face. It was strange when I caught him.

Someone like him looking at someone like me.

‘Yeah, sounds good,’ he said, as I went into the kitchen.

‘Hey, Alex,’ I said, turning around. ‘Do you want ice? Just because.’

He was right behind me. We were so close together.

Looking up, his eyes were so bright and green. He put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, the palm of my hands landed on my chest, steading myself. Within seconds, he cupped his other hand around the back of my head. My eyes were wide open when he reached down to kiss me.

He did this on that second date as well. I was about to leave the car. I had taken my seat belt off and turned around to say good night when. He kissed me. Out of nowhere. It made everything stop and I felt so powerful at the same time. My eyes were wide open then too. His presence was so warm.

It was exactly the same in the kitchen, I almost wanted to just let go, let my knees give way, and let him hold me completely. I was so hypnotised. We parted and he kissed my forehead, almost resting on me.

We stayed there for a minute. No other thoughts entered my head.

He lifted up and said, ‘I, um. I thought you looked a little lonely in the kitchen.’

Scratching the back of his head, he gave me a sheepish smile. He stepped back to give me some space. No. I didn’t want this to end.

I grabbed his arms. He stopped and I stopped. I didn’t know how to do this. It had been so long.

Looking into his eyes, I tried to make some sort of sign that I didn’t know what I was doing.

I sighed, let go and just muttered, ‘Sorry.’

He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. He really did smell incredible, so damn fresh. I hugged him tighter. He kissed the top of my head, I could feel his sweet breath on my head, I could hear the soft sounds of him inhaling.

I wondered what I smelt like to him.

‘I haven’t felt this comfortable before.’

It took me a few seconds before I realised that I was the one who just said that.

He said nothing but hugged me so tight.

‘He is saying nothing, you made a stupid mistake to say it,’ Jake had found his way into hissing into my ear. No. Not now.

I parted from Alex and leaned back against the counter.

‘Let’s play another game,’ my voice came out sounding strangled in my throat. Grabbing the two drinks, I took large strides forward, leading the way back to the couch.

The sounds of the game echoed around the room as we played on, our characters crying out with corny catchphrases and chanting music beating on.

It was quiet now between us.

‘You ruin everything,’ Jake’s voice hissed. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?!’

‘Nathanial,’ Alex’s voice was very concerned. His hand reached over stroking my face with the back of his fingers. ‘Are you okay?’

I realised my hand were scrunching up again into a fist near my temples. I didn’t remember doing it. My hands froze in the air. I said nothing, feeling caught, trapped.

I didn’t understand, I had been practising for months in the bathroom how to catch myself before I put my fists to my head or to stamp my feet. I had got down a method where I would shove my hands into my pockets instead and hide my clenching fist there.

I had no control again. I had trained myself for months and I still had no control. I hated it.

Alex paused the game and sat closer to me. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.

I gritted my teeth and took hold of his hand, twirling his fingers round mine. Staring at our hands holding and said, ‘Oli would like you much more than my ex.’

‘How so,’ I could feel his chest vibrate.

‘Well, for one, you are way better looking.’

I could feel the chuckle rise from him and it brought out my own smile.

The words were lying underneath my tongue; I was trying so hard to force them out. They tasted like bile.

‘He wasn’t very nice to you, was he?’

I hadn’t expected that from Alex.

I didn’t know how to respond.

I watched my hand tightened in his grip and I muttered, ‘I am sure you have had bad ex’s.’

The words I had prepared were now crawling back down my throat, not ready to come out again.

‘To be honest,’ Alex’s leaned into my ear, his voice soft. ‘I only have two real ex-partners. One was a girl the other a boy. The girl, well, you can imagine how that ended, telling someone you aren’t attracted to them. The guy, well, the guy ended it with me because I didn’t have enough time for him. But he was a bit of jerk, always self-absorbed.’

‘Yeah, mine was similar,’ I said it so quietly I didn’t think he heard me.

But it was Alex. Of course, he heard me. He squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead.

‘We were together a very long time,’ I whispered. I looked at the controller sitting untouched in my lap. I clicked my tongue, ‘He became a bit of a bully. It got pretty nasty. When it finished, Oli was the only friend who wasn’t scared off by him.’

‘He hurt you,’ I looked up at Alex and he was frowning, his jaw clenched.

Glancing away, I muttered, ‘He, um. He cheated on me, stole from me, he was always screaming in my face, got inside my head. He is sometimes.’ I bowed my head down, my voice almost silent, ‘He is still there.’

Our game characters continued to make corny noises at each other, and the beats bounced around the room.

‘Nathanial, look at me,’ his thumb caught under my chin and brought it towards him. His eyes were so deep, he looked so sure of himself, so determined.

He kissed me, his lips were so gentle, and the kiss only lasted for few seconds.

We parted just a few inches.

He said, ‘That must have been hard to tell me. You are already beating him. Have you been to the doctor? It sounds like you could have PTSD or something like that, you can get things to handle that, you know. There are different types of medications and therapy, there’s some websites that are good too, or books really. There’s definitely something you can do it about.’

PTSD.

I had never thought of that. Maybe it was. He said it with such ease.

‘I’m such a mess,’ I said.

‘We can be a mess together,’ he smiled. ‘A hot mess.’

I gave a small laugh to that.

PTSD.

I didn’t know why but my gut refused to accept that, that it was a good diagnosis but it wasn't my diagnosis. Like he was telling me the sky was green. But the way he spoke about it, as if it wasn’t a big deal, a big horrible scary deal, that I wasn’t this scary figure demon, it made me feel like I could breathe around him. I wasn’t a bad person. I really wasn’t.