IceBerg - 16. Chapter 16

The phone bleeped again. I stared at the ceiling. My whole body ached, and I couldn’t roll back over again. I reached my hand out, smacking the table trying to find my phone. I brought it closer to my face and squinted at the text message.

‘Second sick day in a row. You have one more left then you must come in for your next shift.’

I rolled my eyes. I had the best boss in the world.

Tossing the phone onto the side, I rubbed my face with one hand.

Maybe I should have gone in. I didn’t know. Usually when I was feeling low, I went into work and just threw myself in the deep end. Distractions.

But for the last few days, I almost cried with the idea of getting out of bed. Maybe I was sick, but I didn’t feel it. Just exhausted. All the time. Like I was carrying large heavy bags every day.

I had told Alex I would see a doctor. Which wasn’t lying, but I decided I would push it back to another week when I could actually leave the apartment.

I tried to write about how I felt, perhaps do some poems, pretend I was in college exploring my sexuality or pretend I am in school exploring my anger issues. But the pen was like iron weighing my hand down. So, I dropped it and when straight to the computer. But the screen was too bright and everything in my head was just clumps of ideas and grey shapes. I didn’t know how to make even one word.

I had been sat in bed for two days.

My stomach growled, whining out. I slapped out again at the table, looking for the bag of crisps.

They had lasted me two good days; I was glad they made the bags bigger. Crunching a bunch of crisps into my mouth, I blinked.

I looked over to my bin pile that has so much piled on, I have no idea if the bin was still underneath it.

‘You haven’t been like this since I left you,’ Jake came out of nowhere.

I grunted and slammed the bag onto the table.

‘It’s simple really,’ he cooed. ‘All you have to do choose one. If you choose Alex, then you cut Charlie out of your life.’

Turning over, I ran my hands through my greasy hair and gripped hard, pulling all the little strands.

‘Just like how I used to do you,’ Jake snorted. ‘Remember, Nathanial. You begged me to stop.’

‘Ah!’ I flipped back and slammed the back of my head into my pillow. My eyes were heating up and I hated it.

Sitting up, I stared at my hands.

Of course, I chose Alex. But. I couldn’t just cut Charlie out of my life, after all the trouble we had both gone through. He had given me this job opportunity too, and now I had to say, ‘thanks pal, now you should get the hell out of my life’? Nothing was simple as that.

Alex probably wanted an answer as to why as I was being weird too. Lucky for me he was away swimming, getting ready for the Olympics.

‘He deserves more than you, you’re right on that,’ said Jake. ‘You hear? Of course, you do, you’re mad! You think this is all real?’

His voice was getting louder, his ranting voice clearer and clearer, ‘Seduce both. Have both of them. Claire is nothing but an idiot. You are a hypocritic! Not a good Christian boy, Greystone!’

Glancing over to the computer, I sniffed. Our chats were so much fun before I found who he was. Supporter of my little website, he made me feel so tall. My website, which was still small and uncomplete.

I could talk to Alex. No, that was a silly idea. Talking to Alex about this. He would never trust me again.

‘You are pathetic, you know that,’ sneered another voice. ‘Pathetic! Liar! Cheat!’

Standing up, out of bed, I snatched up my phone. I threw it hard against the wall. It slapped the wall and snapped into pieces.

I caught myself in the window, a slight reflection. The reflection of pale blotchy skin and black rings around my eyes. I glanced away. I scratched the side of chest and my ribs felt sharper than before.

                                                       ***

The game deep voices rang out, ‘Player two wins!’

‘You snooze you lose, my friend,’ I teased, already changing my character.

In the corner of my eye, I saw Alex fiddling with the controller.

‘Nathanial.’ His voice was suddenly serious. ‘I, um,’ he sighed.

‘Are you okay?’ I let go of my controller completely and turned to him.

‘It’s um,’ he waved his hand away, frustrated.

‘Don’t say it’s nothing,’ I said, softly.

‘No, it’s stupid,’ he picked up his controller. I put my hand over his.

He looked at me, ‘I know you feel something more than just friendship with Charlie.’

No. No.

I was exposed again. It was like when it felt like Oli was ripping out body parts. I resisted the urge to stand up and let my anger expose me even though it was seething through my body.

‘That’s ridiculous,’ I tried to snort out laughing. ‘Charlie is an idiot, it’s quite insulting.’

‘I know that you love me,’ Alex said. ‘But.’

‘But nothing,’ I snapped, getting hold of my controller. The anger was so full, it was spilling out, leaking out. ‘I’d the be worst person in the world to have feelings for another man. I only love one person, Alex, and that person is you. Okay?’

‘Nathanial, I didn’t mean to upset you.’

‘You didn’t.’

In an instant I regretted my clipped tone and added, ‘I am just frustrated that you see things that way. I only want you, Alex. I choose you above everyone, everyone including Charlie. There’s nothing special there. At all. Trust me. There’s nothing more to discuss.’

I gripped my hand tight on the control pad, ‘You want to make another character or stick with the one you are on?’

***
Alex left the next day. We kissed goodbye as he went to his swimming training before the Olympics.

After I made myself a fresh cup of coffee, I hummed a tune and went go over to the table and sat down at the laptop. I clicked on the internet. Oh, new emails. Needed to pay bills and some con artists emails. Same as usual. Wait.

The company logo of Charlie’s work. Before I could think, I clicked it. I read.

My lips twitched and I sat back, shoulders dropping low.

I got the job.

I got the damn job.

I carried on reading the rest of the email. I started work next week. I could quit being a servant. I got the job. I was officially a writer who would get paid. Not much, but it was a little increase from what I was originally earning.

‘Ha!’ I grinned to myself.

In an instant, I went on my emails and turned on my chat. I began to type in Charlie’s name then I froze.

I had typed in Charlie’s name first. Not Oli. Not Alex. I typed without even thinking.

I deleted it and typed in Oli’s name. Oli and I always wanted to call in to say we quit. Now I would be living the small dream.

***
It had been an hour and I could still feel eyes glaring at me.

I kept my face aimed towards the screen and carried on typing. I rubbed my wrist. I glanced down to the pen that mum got me. Silver pen. She got it so quickly I wondered if perhaps if she had held on to that for a while and waited for a perfect time to give it to me. Her voice was so high pitched on the phone when I told her I got the job, it hurt, but I was still grinning.

Mum got high pitched when she was excited.

I made a good impression, like Alex had said. I arrived early, introduced myself to many other writers as I could. Even though half of them turned up dressed lousy and just grunted at me and I had to suppress the feeling of running into a corner and hiding like a weak baby animal.

I was toured around by Sharon the receptionist. She flirted a bit which did startled me. At first, I thought she was being polite, but her hand kept touching my arm and the hint was suddenly staring me in the face. I almost wanted to laugh out loud. It was weird, but nice. I mean, I never even got hit on by girls, even when I was at school, so it was cute. Like when a young child tells you, you are handsome.

‘Your beard is pretty awesome,’ she smiled at me in the elevator, her long blonde hair swishing over her shoulders.

I grinned at her and pulled at it, ‘Thought about shaving it off, but I look awful without it.’

‘You keep it tidy too, not many men do that,’ she reached over and tugged at it.

I blushed and laughed, looking away, ‘Almost a hipster.’

She laughed too before the elevator doors opened.

‘Right this way to the cafeteria,’ she had said, not taking her eyes off me. ‘Oh, and by the way, if you ever want to come down and chat, I am always at reception! I know some of the guys here might be a bit. Um.’

‘Thank you, Sharon,’ I said with complete honesty.

I was glad she said that now, she seemed to be the only friend I had made so far.

None of the other writers seemed interested to talk to me. One or two, came over and chatted, but their eyes glazed over before nodding at me and walking off.

In the busy room full of rows of computers and tables of scattered paper, there was an office meeting. I shoved my shaking hands into my pockets and clasped my mouth shut, darting my eyes from one speaker to the other, almost like I was observing a wild habitat that didn’t know I was there.

I had sat next to a girl that morning meeting. She saw me looking for a chair around the large pale table and shifted some books off for me to sit next to her. She had smiled at me and now I thought she was the kindest person in the whole room. Even though we had only spoken two words and I didn’t know her name.

During the meeting, the writers came up with ideas on the spot, throwing them around, improving on them. It was like watching a game of tennis. I had no idea I was so rusty, I couldn’t come up with ideas that quick, so I just observed. The girl next to me, had her head down, scratching ideas out on her pad. Everyone was writing or typing, they were doing it all so fast. I just sat there like an overwhelmed idiot.

On my break, I decided to talk to Sharon.

‘Hi Sharon,’ I raised my coffee cup at her. She perked up when she saw me. She swung her chair closer to the desk as I stood next to it.

‘Good afternoon, Mr. Greystone.’

‘It’s not even half eleven Sharon,’ I grinned.

‘It will be soon,’ she winked.

‘Sharon,’ I said. ‘Can I ask you something?’

Her cheeks flushed as she stuttered, ‘Yes, um, yes?’

‘Are all the writers usually this hard on the new guy?’

She blinked and shook her head, ‘Actually, they’re usually juvenile, like to play games, really funny bunch, like to make jokes with new people. Why? Are they being mean? I can sort them out.’

I pulled a face and she giggled.

So, it was me that they didn’t like.

‘I should get going,’ I raised my cup at her. ‘Thanks, Sharon.’

Her voice went soft, ‘Any time, Nathanial.’

I walked along the long corridor and around all the fake plants, and past the large ‘positive work environment’ posters. I could hear the calm rumble of chatter and snorts of laughter in the writer’s room.

Everyone was talking in there. Pushing the door open, I walked back to my seat. Everyone had gone quiet; the chatter was simmering into whispers.

Wow. It really was me. I had barely opened my mouth, and everyone hated me.

Sitting myself down, I glanced over at the girl next to me. I was so desperate to have at least one friend, I tapped her on the shoulder.

‘I’m Nathanial, nice to meet you,’ I said, in a hushed tone.

She turned to me and gave me a quick smile, ‘Katy.’

She went back to her computer. Okay, my two new friends were Katy and Sharon. I probably needed some more females in my life anyway, to balance things.

‘Nathanial?’

I turned around from the screen to that voice. I grinned from ear to ear. I never thought I’d be so happy to see Claire.

She rolled her chair over to me, her cheerful smile melting all my stress.

‘Claire,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t see you this morning.’

‘I was late,’ she brushed her smooth black hair back. ‘Charlie took ages to get ready this morning. That idiot could be late to the end of the world.’

Few of the writers gave her a dirty look as she laughed, and she saw me noticing.

She leaned close and whispered to me, ‘They’re jealous of us, they know we are both close with Charlie.’

A relief flew over me for a second, ‘I thought they just didn’t like me.’ I then paused and added, ‘How do they know about me?’

She waved her hand and said, ‘Charlie talks a lot. Do you want to sit next to me?’

I glanced back at Katy, ‘I’m okay for now, Claire. Perhaps we can meet up for lunch?’

She sighed, ‘I got a lunch meeting today so I can’t, but I can see you afterwards.’

I remembered in the meeting one of the team leaders mentioning a lunch meeting with our Head.

‘You’re the Head Writer,’ I said, without thinking.

She winked at me and smiled, ‘Damn, straight.’

‘What are you doing here with everyone else?’

‘I’m still a writer, Nathanial,’ she grinned at me. The chatter built around us as other people talked to one another. The room was small, packed, and pale with large windows. It felt like a hundred people were in here, when there was about twenty.

‘Everyone is really good here,’ I said, dropping my voice. ‘It’s going to be hard to keep up.’

‘It’s your first day Nathanial, of course it’s overwhelming,’ she nudged me. ‘In a week you’ll be able to keep up and won’t worry at all. It’s just a different environment that you are used to.’

I gave her a thankful look before she patted my arm and nodded at my computer.

                                                                     ***

Charlie sent me an email, asking if I wanted to join him and Claire for lunch at a café nearby. Claire didn’t stay long, she kissed Charlie good bye and rushed off to her lunch meeting. She gave me a hug and a reassuring pat on the back.

‘You broke your phone? Again?’ Charlie smirked as he bits into his baguette.

I pulled a face, ‘This is the first time I have broken it, don’t be a douche.’

‘Yes, but how on earth did you managed to snap it? You must have put in some quite force!’

I sipped my orange juice before shrugging, ‘It happens. I get a new one in a few days. Alex helped me sort it out.’

‘Yeah,’ he said.

He put the back of his hand across my forehead. His skin was soft. I almost stopped. The glass of orange juice was still in hand. He pulled away and said, ‘Glad to see you are feeling better.’

I bit into my bar and asked, ‘You didn’t have any input in the job I got, did you?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ his reply was way too quick. ‘You earned that job fair and square.’

‘Claire said you talked about me to people,’ I muttered, having another bit of my bar.

‘Because you’re one my best friends now, why wouldn’t I talk about you?’

Best friend?

He began to ramble, ‘Them lot just don’t like you because I said you had more talent than all of them, so blame me for that. But you said you liked Katy … and Sharon.’ He winked at me.

I smiled, ‘You see me as a best friend?’

He went quiet, his cheeks flushed pink. He shrugged, ‘Yes, of course.’ He took another bite of his baguette, a large bite. ‘So, you and Sharon?’

I snapped out of it and laughed, ‘She is in for some disappointment. Does she flirt with everyone who comes in?’

‘Just you, lucky pal,’ he winked. ‘Sharon is great. Just don’t let her get ideas. You are enjoying it, aren’t you?’

‘What? No.’

‘You are smiling while you said that,’ he took another bit of his baguette and said, with his mouth full, ‘Must be nice for you to get hit on when all you do is see Alex getting hit on.’

I stuck a tongue out, ‘It’s not a competition. I love Alex.’

‘Whatever. I am not surprised you don’t get hit on more,’ he almost rolled his eyes and smirked. I punched him in the arm.

He pulled a face and said ‘You like this place then? It’s better than the cafeteria. Plus, it’s five minutes away.’

Looking around, I nodded. I took in the beautiful black and white patterns on the walls, the piano playing from the radio melting into the conversations of other tables. The tables were small and round in this small petite café.

He reached out for his coffee and sipped it. He put it down and tilted his head, ‘So you all packed for the Olympics yet or do we need to do some clothes shopping this week?’

I glared at him. This was a bad idea.

***

‘Instead of her getting out of the chair, why doesn’t she just start throwing things from around her?’

‘Yeah, I like that! The frustration of lack of control?’

‘Exactly!’ Charlie said.

I finished up typing into my phone the new ideas we were having while shopping for clothes.

I called to him, ‘I’ll type this up later and email it to you.’

I put my phone down in the changing room and began to start changing my clothes.

‘So, I showed them the script.’

‘Who?’ I called back through the closed curtain, pulling the jeans up. They were so tight. Was not a fan. I thought I was losing weight but these trousers say otherwise.

‘The boss at my network,’ he replied.

Jumping up and down, I breathed in a little and button up. I stared at the reflection in the long mirror, showing a close look at all the awkward body shapes of mine, the skin that could have been more tanned, the spots on my forehead and nose.

Sighing, I looked away and opened the curtain. Charlie was sitting on a stool, leg crossed over another, arms folded, one hand holding onto his phone.

‘Anya and the old guy?’ I asked, throwing my hands in the air.

He beckoned me forward and stretched his arm to spin me around.

‘You hate these, don’t you?’ he said. ‘You look better in blue than black anyway.’

‘You suggested skinny jeans,’ I almost screeched, raising an eyebrow. I looked down on myself and a smile spilled on my face. I laughed at how ridiculous this was.

Charlie had a goofy grin on himself too and shrugged, ‘No, this is beyond them two, it’s their boss’s boss. Huge deal. Anyway, I showed them the script and.’

‘Excuse me, are you Charlie Conray?’

It was a busy changing room that day in the store. This was the third person to come over. Charlie gave a broad toothy grin and turned to them while I twitched and went back inside the dressing room, like a quiet insect.

Charlie laughed with the guy while I put my comfy jeans back on and pulled up the next item of clothing had Charlie thrown at me.

Earlier, we had walked around the store, and well, I say walked, it was mostly me following Charlie, attempting to carry and catch all the t-shirts, shirts, and jeans he was throwing behind his shoulders at me.

Avoiding looking at the mirror, I slipped on a silk black shirt and buttoned up. I smiled to myself, stroking the gentle sleeves on my arms.

‘So, yeah they liked it,’ Charlie called out again.

I made myself look in the mirror. My reflection wasn’t too bad with this shirt on. This was a keeper.

Wait.

He said they liked it.

I opened the curtain and tilted my head at him, ‘They do?’

‘Yes!’ Charlie still had a stupid grin on his face. ‘They read over it, they want to do some changes to it, but they loved the plot and characters.’

‘Changes?’ I frowned, smoothing down my chest.

‘Well, you should know by now you got do negotiations.’

‘I know, I know,’ I almost huffed. ‘I just mean, are they little changes or do I have to design a whole new character?’

‘It’s just small details, don’t worry,’ he waved his hand. ‘You know I wouldn’t let them edit our script like that.’

Yes. Our script. It was our script now.

I bowed my head down, to flatten my chest out, smoothing out my shirt.

Charlie stood up and put his hand on my shoulder, ‘This one is definitely a keeper.’

I smiled and looked up.

He smiled back. I caught something glittering in his eyes, I tried to squint at him, but he looked away.

He shrugged, ‘I know how much your characters mean, so I will let you read over the changes they have suggested. If you are okay with it, they want to start a show.’

‘Start a show?’

All I could think about was those nights sat in my apartment, wrapped in my baggy hoody, in dim lighting with an empty fridge, typing away at this at two am because I couldn’t sleep.

Now it could be a show? That was just weird.

Too weird.

‘It’s not real, Nathanial,’ Jake muttered. ‘Open your eyes. Not real. Not real. This is fantasy.’

‘You don’t want a show?’ he tried to catch my eye, but I walked back to the dressing room.

‘No, no I do. This is an amazing opportunity,’ I said, before closing the curtain.

‘I thought this would be good news for you,’ he said through the curtain. ‘I know it’s scary the changes, but this could really work, it has potential. It is really hard to get them to say yes to new scripts these days, most days it’s just crapping out work from known writers.’

I sighed. This was good. He was right, absolutely right. This was every writer’s dream, right? To come this close.

‘What if it’s a flop, Charlie,’ I almost mumbled. ‘What if it becomes a disaster? I couldn’t stand the thought of it dying out on screen.’

‘It won’t,’ Charlie said, voice full of confidence. ‘It has everything in it. Plus, you never finished it so you can still mess around with story lines. Like the Stadium line, that definitely took a turn.’

I could hear Charlie laughing and I smiled. I switched shirts, this one felt just as soft, but it was white. It was too bright, too much attention.

‘Twirl for me, princess,’ Charlie spun his finger around, sliding his phone into his pocket while I pulled a face and slugged myself around.

‘Reminds me of your old work uniform,’ he smirked.

I flipped him off and went back into the changing room.

Looking down, I started to unbutton the shirt, my feeble fingers picking at the small buttons.

The curtain pulled open for a second before Charlie rushed in with me.

I widened my eyes, ‘Okay, then?!’

He rolled his eyes at me, ‘Relax. I have an idea. Take this off for a second.’

‘I was going to. Wait, get off!’

He tugged at my shirt, pulling it over my head.

‘Your head is really big,’ he mused, still pulling at the shirt.

I slapped his hands away and backed away, sorting the shirt out myself. I pulled it with gentle care over my head.

My chest was bare and pale and lacked muscle, and I didn’t like that in front of Charlie.

He snatched the shirt off me. He then started to pull his own shirt off, his chest was more bronzed than I gave him credit for. Not a beer belly or muscles, there was a softness about him.

I turned away, my face already a blaze and scolded, ‘What are you doing now?’

He raises a cocky eyebrow at me and said, ‘Chill out, man.’

Reaching forward, he pulled his shirt over my head.

This was weird. This was weird.

Casting my eyes down, I buttoned up a few parts of the shirt.

‘All the buttons,’ he ordered, standing closer. His fingers were quick, running down the buttons of the shirt.

His fingers ran back up to the top of the shirt and around the collar, smoothing it down.

He was very close to me. I could smell his warm breath of his coffee. My stomach was aching, and my feet were gripped on the ground. His thumb hung onto my collar.

I barely wanted to look up; I kept my eyes focused on his hands fumbling around my neck.

I couldn’t feel like this. I wouldn’t have been bothered if Oli was doing this. I wouldn’t have been breathing like all the air was leaving all my lungs if Oli was here. I wished Oli was here.

Charlie’s thumb was still holding onto the tips of the collar. I noticed he had stopped rambling on. I peeked up to his face. He was staring at my throat, there was a strange look in his eyes I hadn’t seen that before, his lips were twitching. He was so close to me. This wasn’t what I thought it was. I was reading too much into it again. He was still gazing at my throat.

He blinked and whizzed me around to my reflection. I stared at a red-faced reflection in a smart shirt. Charlie reached a hand over my shoulder and patted my chest.

‘See,’ he cleared his throat and said, ‘I knew we were a fit. I have more shirts I don’t wear at mine, if you want them. Might save you some money on these.’

He let go of me and picked up the black shirt and gave a low whistle, ‘Probably should have looked at the price before I gave them to you. Sorry, for the waste of time, man.’

He was still bare chested, and I was staring.

This was weird.

I shrugged his shirt off and cleared my own throat, ‘If I say yes to the changes to the script, the network will take it on?’

‘I will show you the changes, they wrote down in an email for me.’

I nodded as I watched him slid his shirt back with cool ease.