How Would You Know That? - 1. How Would You Know That?

“This tastes like shit!”

Addison O’Leary has been practicing cooking lately. Apparently, his partner, Stanley Simmons doesn’t appreciate his efforts. Although this wasn’t Addison’s first major failure.

“I don’t think it tastes that bad, Stanley.”

Stanley spits out the mouthful of stew, “Ugh, I can’t even swallow it.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes, go ahead, Addison.”

“How would you even know what shit tastes like? Do you have some kind of kink you haven’t told me about?”

“That’s two somethings.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“I’m kidding.”

“Oh, OK. Will you answer both?”

Stanley rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, “It’s just an expression. It’s not to be taken literally. And no, I don’t have that particular kink.”

“So you haven’t eaten shit before?”

“No!!”

“Then how do you know what it tastes like?”

“It means it tastes awful.”

“Then why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

“It’s a common saying, Addison. I guess it’s the first thing that came to mind.”

“Oh. Okay. But I don’t think it tastes like shit.”

“You kept sampling it as you were making it. You built up a tolerance to it.”

“No. I mean it really doesn’t taste like shit.”

“You’ve eaten shit before?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted to try it.”

“Nobody just wants to try eating shit.”

“They do on the internet. I’ve seen videos.”

“Addison, they were probably eating chocolate that looked like shit.”

“Then why would they say it was shit? It’s not nice to lie like that. People will try to copy them.”

“Only id— gullible people like you.”

“Thanks for not calling me an idiot.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“So, it tastes bad?”

“Yes. What did you put in it?”

“Um, lots of stuff.”

“Such as?”

“Meat.”

“What kind of meat, Addison?”

“Buffalo.”

“Buffalo?”

“Yes, Stanley. The cans said ‘Blue Buffalo Wilderness Wild Cuts’.”

Stanley was shocked, “Where exactly did you find those cans?”

“You know how Shop’N’ Save has that cart of dented cans?”

“Yeah.”

“In there.”

“Didn’t you think canned meat was a little odd?”

“No. We eat SPAM, don’t we?”

“Well, you got me there. You don’t know what Blue Buffalo is, do you?”

“Sad buffaloes?”

“No. It’s dog food.”

“Why would they feed buffalo to dogs?”

“That’s the brand name, Addison. It’s probably the worst cuts of beef or pork. Hell, maybe even horse meat.”

“Like Black Beauty, horse?”

“Yeah.”

Addison started sniffling, “I’m sorry I fed you Black Beauty.”

“It wasn’t Black Beauty, that’s only a story.”

More sniffles, “Was it Secretariat?”

“No. If it was horse meat, you wouldn’t know the horse’s name.”

“The one that went through the desert?”

“What??!!?”

Addison sung, badly, “I went through the desert on a horse with no name.”

“That’s just a story song.”

“It felt good to be out of the rain.”

“Stop singing, Addison.”

“In the desert, you can remember your name.”

“Stop.”

“Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain.” (1)

“ENOUGH!”

“Sorry. I like that song. I was singing it as a tribute to the horse I fed you.”

“It was beef.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. Dog food being made from horse meat is a fallacy.”

“Then why did you say it was horse meat?”

“I don’t know. Stop eating it!”

“Why? I think it tastes good. Dog food or not. Old people eat cat food.”

“I give up. You eat the stew, I’ll scramble some eggs.”

“Chickens poop out those eggs, you know, Stanley.”

“Eggs are not chicken poop.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“I read somewhere that eggs come out of a chicken's cloaca, or ‘vent’. The cloaca is a single, multi-purpose opening at the back of the bird used for laying eggs, as well as for excreting waste.”

Stanley thought to himself, ‘That sounded too smart for him.’

“You’re bull-shitting me, Addison.”

“No. I’m chicken-shitting you.”

“Eggs really come out of a chickens butt?”

“Yes, Stanley.”

“Get me the cereal.”

“You going to put cow piss on it?”

“Milk is not cow piss.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“You were sure about eggs not being chicken shit.”

“Did you breast feed as a baby?”

“I guess so.”

“Cow milk is like mother’s milk.”

“OK, that makes sense. So, not piss.”

“No.”

“What kind?”

“What kind of what?”

“You don’t remember things so well, do you?”

“I remember things fine.”

“Then, what kind?”

“OK, I have a bad memory. What kind of what?”

“Cereal.”

“Oh. Yeah, Lucky Charms.”

“Are leprechauns real?”

“No, Addison, they’re not.”

“Good. Because they’re scary.”

“The Lucky Charms leprechaun is scary?”

“No. The one from the movies.”

“Also just a story.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“So, I can’t go to the end of a rainbow and get a leprechaun’s pot of gold?”

“No, Addison. There’s no gold at the end of a rainbow.”

“What is there?”

“I don’t know, probably a puddle.”

“A little dog?”

Stanley shakes his head, far from the first time with Addison, “A puddle, not a poodle.”

“Oh, I did like the first one though. It had that actress I like that has my name in it.”

“What actress is that?”

“Jennifer Addison.”

“That’s Jennifer Aniston.”

“Really? You sure?”

“Yes, Addison, I’m sure. It’s Aniston.”

“Then I don’t like her anymore.”

“You’re allowed to change who your favorite actors are.”

“She’s an actor? You mean she’s a man?”

“No. Actor can be a generalization, like mankind. Mankind doesn’t mean just men.”

“OK. But if she really was a man, she’d be the best female impersonator ever.”

“She’s not a man.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Why?”

“Well, that means Brad Pitt isn’t gay.”

“No he isn’t.”

“I wish he was.”

“Well, he’s not.”

“Then who is?”

“Gay?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, for example, Neil Patrick Harris, Sir Ian McKellen.”

“No way. Doogie Howser isn’t gay.”

“The actor that played him is.”

“Wow. And Gandalf?”

“Again. Just the actor.”

“Well, good. A gay wizard would be weird.”

“You don’t think Ron Weasley wasn’t a little gay for Harry Potter?”

“Oooh, I like Rupert Grint. Is he gay?”

“No. He’s had a female partner for like fifteen years.”

“Darn. What about the two guys in that hockey show?”

“Heated Rivalry?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think they are.”

“Oh, OK. This was like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.”

“What was?”

“We went from my stew tasting like shit to gay actors. Wait! Is Kevin Bacon gay?”

“Shut up, Addison.”

The End