Electric Blue and Catnip - 21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

He dreamed of his beach house in Osaka. The beach in the early morning right before the sun broke over the horizon. Waves of water washed on to the sand, his bare feet sinking into the cool wet sand, not a soul in sight. There was peace in the early morning.

Alexi. He forced his gaze away from the colorful horizon and turned to find Joshua running toward him. He knew it was Joshua, the familiar dark curly hair, tall physique in white shirt and slacks and the way Joshua called his name. Alexi. Like a charm, like he was a precious charm.

Holding out his left hand, he waited for Joshua to reach him. Always waiting here where there was only peace, he wanted Joshua to reach him so that he could share the beach. Yet, Joshua wasn’t reaching him. Even if he was running toward him, the distance kept getting wider and wider. Afraid he was losing Joshua; Alexi started running toward him too.

The beach faded away, they were suddenly on the streets of New York, and he couldn’t see Joshua anymore…

Alexi woke up with a terrified gasp reaching out for Joshua, wanting to hold him close. His hand ran over a cool sheet and he sat up. Pressing a hand to his temple, his heart beating wildly, deathly afraid, afraid of being alone. He didn’t think his dream foretold good things for him and Joshua. Staring at the empty spot on his bed, he shook his head and swung his legs over the bed.

Turns out sleep didn’t come so easy anymore without Joshua. His bed had seemed like a torture device. He’d tossed and turned, throwing off blankets, adding pillows to make it less lonely. Counting sheep didn’t work, whoever had come up with that had lied, he’d been awake at four o’clock this morning staring at the ceiling. When he’d finally fallen asleep, that dream had accosted him.

There was a soft knock came on the door and Alexi glanced up in time to see Lily peep in to his bedroom.

“I’m happy to see you awake. Dr. Marshall is on his way and you need to get ready for the program graduation today.”

“Has Josh called you?”

“Nope,” Lily said. “I thought he was in here with you. I came in late last night, found you asleep.”

Alexi reached for his cell phone on the bedside table. No messages or missed calls, he wiped a hand down his face and threw the phone back on the table.

“Did you two have a fight?” Lily asked confused.

“No.” Alexi stood adjusting his pajama pants. He headed into the bathroom without another word.

After his shower, he dressed in a casual lightweight green shirt and gray slacks. He went to the kitchen, where he found Lily had already made coffee. His body wasn’t happy to be awake at all. He found a huge mug in the cupboard, and filled it with coffee. Lily had made scrambled eggs, but he wasn’t hungry. He hugged his mug, inhaling the rich coffee scent, hoping it would cure his throbbing head.

Dr. Marshall Foley arrived at seven o’clock. Lily met him at the elevators with a wide smile, and led him through to the kitchen.

“Good Morning, Alexander,” Dr. Marshall said coming to greet him at the kitchen island table. “How have you been?”

“Obviously not well enough. You didn’t have to race to come see me.”

Dr. Marshall smiled and sat in the stool beside him at Lily’s insistence. She went to get him coffee and Alexi glared into his mug.

He’d spent his sleepless night thinking about Joshua and the coming tour. Now that his work at Silver Studios was over, he really had no choice but to start concentrating on the impeding eighty shows.

His career wasn’t the only choice he had to make. Moving to New York had helped him reconnect with his music, but he’d also found a completely new world with Joshua. Since Lily’s warning yesterday about not canceling his tour, he was down to two choices, long distance love or no love.

He was afraid he didn’t know how to balance his music career, and his relationship with Joshua together. Maybe choosing Joshua meant he had to give up his career.

If he chose his career, it certainly meant giving up Joshua, didn’t it. He’d have to leave for the next four months and maybe longer, and then it could be a year. There was no way he could ask Joshua to wait for him. There was no way to ask Joshua to give up his life in New York, not when he was about to spend time with Shane.

How cruel was fate? Maybe giving up the tour was the way to go.

“Alexander,” Dr. Marshall said beside him.

He turned to the man who was supposed to help him make sense of his life with a sigh.

“Have you talked with my mother lately?”

“I’ve been in New York doing research with the foundation for the last six months. I haven’t talked to your mother in a while.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Last year when you returned to Tokyo, you withdrew and your anxiety levels increased. I was visiting the Zantam offices for a few months and your mother asked me to talk to you. She wanted to make sure you weren’t going to hurt yourself.”

“You told her everything I said about Adrian.” Alexi accused bitterly. He hadn’t meant to let it come out but how was he supposed to trust this man? “Lily asked me to talk to you and I did, I poured out my heart to you, Dr. Marshall. You ended up betraying me.”

“Is that why you stopped meeting me for your appointments?” Dr. Marshall asked.

Alexi frowned, the surprise in Dr. Marshall’s eyes hard to understand. Memories from last year flooded him.

Adrian’s decision to break up had destroyed him. He’d given up the apartment he’d gotten for the two of them and plunged into a tour blindly. His mother had called in Dr. Marshall to keep him sane, and when his anger at Adrian had gotten too much to bear, he’d directed it all against this man.

A week later, seated at dinner with his parents, he’d almost fallen off his seat when his father had warned him never to see Adrian again.

“I didn’t talk to your parents,” Dr. Marshall said quietly.

“Oh please, Mom kept telling me that you were recommending it would be better for me never to return to New York or see Adrian again.”

Dr. Marshall sighed and shook his head. “Your sessions were private, Alexander.”

Alexi turned away from the doctor and shook his head.

“Alexi,” Lily said from across the table. “I’m the one who told your parents about how Adrian treated you.”

“What?”

“It was me,” she said with a sigh. “When you left for Osaka, I came back here to arrange the apartment sale and to dispose the furniture. It was hard undoing that apartment, Alexi. Very hard, so when I heard about Adrian going to L.A. I followed him.”

“Why?” Alexi demanded in shock.

“You were hurting, burying yourself in work and barely talking to anyone. I wanted to make sure Adrian knew what he’d done to you.” Lily looked away shaking her head slightly. ““I found him with the woman that you met at the precinct when he was arrested. They were going into business together and-

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You kept saying you wanted to remain friends with him. Even after he had hurt you, you didn’t want to lose him as a friend. How could I have told you the truth? When your mother asked me what was going on, I told her.”

“Dr. Marshall had nothing to do with it.” Lily came around the table and stopped beside him. “If you’re going to be angry about this, be mad at me. Just let Dr. Marshall help you get back on stage.”

“Did you know about him and that woman?” Alexi asked quietly. “That they were…t-together?”

“No.” Lily placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “I swear I would never have let Adrian back in here if I’d known he was with her. You know me, Alexi.”

“I do.” Alexi said quietly looking at her. Lily was always supporting him. “I guess I should have asked you instead of jumping to conclusions about Dr. Marshall.”

“I’ll only help you if you trust me,” Dr. Marshall broke into the conversation. “If you can’t trust me, I’ll find you another doctor to get you through this.”

“Alexi,” Lily said with a frown. “Please-

“It’s alright Doctor. You’ll do fine,” Alexi said with a short nod.

He didn’t want to think about what it would be like to bring in a stranger into his life. Returning to Japan and the spotlight was going to take Herculean effort on his part. He didn’t have time to get used to a new face.

“I need to get ready; we’ll all go to the graduation ceremony later.” Lily patted his shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about talking to your mom.”

He shrugged. He couldn’t really get angry with Lily. She put up with so much from him. When she left, he turned to Dr. Marshall.

“I’m sorry for accusing you,” Alexi said grudgingly.

Dr. Marshall smiled kindly.

“You don’t have to apologize. I should have persisted in making you keep your appointments. But, I have to admit you might have intimidated me a bit.”

“I doubt that very much,” Alexi said shaking his head.

“Have you met you, Alexander? When you didn’t want to see me again, you had security ban me from entering your apartment building in Tokyo. I couldn’t even get into the theatres for your performances and I had bought tickets.”

Alexi smiled sheepishly. “I might have gone overboard there, if you like, I can get you free tickets to the next one.”

Dr. Marshall laughed. “Talk to me first the next time you get angry with me.”

“Call me Alexi,” he offered quietly holding out his hand to the good doctor.

Dr. Marshall took his hand in a warm, firm handshake. Dr. Marshall was an athletic man, dark hair like Joshua’s but dusted with grey at the sides. Alexi wasn’t sure what kind of research he ran with the Zantam Foundation, but his mother spoke highly of him.

“About my mother,-

“You don’t have to ask me,” Dr. Marshall said quietly. “You and I have a doctor-patient relationship. Unless you ask me to, I don’t tell her anything about what we talk about.”

“Good,” he sighed in relief. “We have three weeks to get me on stage, Dr. Marshall. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Anything’s possible,’ Dr. Marshall replied sipping his coffee for the first time.

****

The ride to the program graduation was uneventful. Lily sat in the front with the driver, while Alexi sat at the back of the town car with Dr. Marshall.

“So, you’ve been working with these students all summer?” Dr. Marshall asked.

“Yes, about two months now.” Alexi adjusted his jacket and shifted in his seat. “The program was meant to improve composing skills. Today, the five best students will receive awards prepared by Tony, the music coordinator. He’s the Professor in charge for of this program at the university.”

“One of those awards is the chance to perform with Alexi during his first concert in Tokyo at the end of August,” Lily provided from the front.

“I can only say that the winning student will get a better deal than they realize. Peter Wilson, your agent, might take an interest.” Dr. Marshall noted.

Alexi smiled and shrugged. “Yes, that’s the plan.”

“Do you know who it is?” Dr. Marshall asked.

“We had a debate about that with Tony on the phone yesterday morning. I let him make the choice by considering grades, but there is a very shy girl named Jenny I thought would benefit from the chance. She’s talented, and her compositions are unique.” Alexi glanced at Lily with a sigh. “They’ve had a few assignments to complete since they started, and I’m hoping she showed her full potential.”

“Alexi favors her,” Lily explained to Dr. Marshall. “He wanted to give her the chance straight out, but Tony convinced him to consider the program grades for the sake of fairness. Jenny is smart, I’m sure she’ll win.”

Alexi flashed a smile and turned to Dr. Marshall. “She keeps me honest.”

They arrived at the theatre twenty minutes later. Tony had arranged to have the final graduation at the Frederick Loewe theatre and two students who handed them program schedules met them. Alexi was glad to see he wasn’t going to be making any speeches. The only part to cause concern, was Tony had him handing out the final certificates. He gave Lily a worried glance. He didn’t trust himself alone on a stage.

“I’ll talk to Tony,” she said quickly when she saw his concern.

“No.” Alexi shook his head, he couldn’t disappoint the students, and they’d worked so hard. “I’ll manage, as long as there is someone with me.”

“Are you sure?” she frowned.

No he wasn’t. He had hoped Joshua would agree to accompany him on the stage. They entered the theatre and headed straight to the front where he was supposed to sit beside Tony and Joshua. The theatre was already full of the students’ excited parents and friends. Heavy burgundy curtains covered the stage as the students prepared backstage. The main hall was brightly lit, hardly scary, he thought. If they kept the lights on when it was time to present the awards, he might just pull this off without problems.

Dr. Marshall and Lily took the seats in the first row. There was a table set right by the stage. His name carefully printed on a card and set in the middle between two others marked his spot. He pulled out his seat and stared at the card with Joshua’s name.

Tony appeared on stage and the moment he saw him he hurried down the steps to the table.

“We’re almost ready, the students are preparing for their performances.” Tony laid out the list of students and the grading sheets. “We’ll tally this at the end, and give the final awards.”

He took the pen Tony had given him and arranged the sheets into a neat pile before sitting down. Tony hurried off backstage and Alexi’s gaze returned to Joshua’s card on his left. He hadn’t called him last night. He’d wanted to, especially when he’d finally gotten into bed alone last night. Lack of an easy solution had stopped him.

“Alexi,” Joshua interrupted his thoughts and he glanced up in surprise.

“Josh,” he said standing up ready to hug Joshua. His smile froze when Joshua pulled out a chair and sat.

Alexi sat, clenching his fingers in confusion and tried not to feel hurt. He’d started this; he should have known Joshua would be angry with him. Why had he walked away last night?

“If I touch you Alexi, we’re going to be giving an r-rated show.”

His heart hammering in his chest, he turned to Joshua, not caring what kind of show they’d be putting on. Joshua wasn’t mad at him.

He reached out and took Joshua’s clenched hand holding it tight in his. “I’m sorry about last night. I missed you so much, I wanted to die.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Joshua asked. “I’d have come, Alexi.”

“I was being stupid,” Alexi confessed quietly. He glanced back at Dr. Marshall and Lily who were talking quietly and Joshua followed his gaze. Seeing Joshua had him once again thinking about canceling his tour.

“Who is that?” Josh asked with a frown.

“Dr. Marshall, my psychiatrist,” Alexi answered. He clutched Joshua’s hand tighter tangling their fingers tight. “Before you showed up yesterday, I asked Lily if I could push back the tour, or maybe cancel it altogether. She refused, and warned me that I might get sued, I was angry.”

“Cancel?” Joshua stared at him in surprise. “Alexi-

“Don’t tell me it’s an awful idea.” Alexi glared at him hating the irrational fear brewing inside him. “It’s the best plan I could come up with to allow me to stay. I don’t want to leave New York. I don’t want to leave you, Josh.”

Joshua sighed and shifted his chair closer. Bringing their hands up to his chest, he shook his head. “I love how much you love me, but I can’t let you cancel a tour.”

“What else do I do?” Alexi asked.

“You’d be running away,” Joshua said with a hard tone.

“Running?” Alexi gaped. “I’m staying for us, not running.”

“I won’t let you cancel the tour,” Joshua warned quietly. “I’m glad your doctor is here, he’ll help you get back on stage, and then you have to go for your tour, Alexi.”

“I don’t understand you.” Alexi shook his head and would have continued the argument if Tony hadn’t chosen that moment to appear. Joshua let go of his hand and he sighed in disappointment as the curtains lifted and the first of the students started their performance.

He wished he could say that he gave the students his full attention. He watched their performances as he should, but his gaze strayed to Joshua more times than he could count. He graded performances, his heart plummeting with each minute. Love songs floated around him; passionate youthful wishes that he was coming to understand were just that. When it came down to it, love was a cruel master that demanded nothing but sacrifice. He could stay, and Joshua would think he was giving up, running away from his problems. What was wrong with that?

He went through the motions of the ceremony, doing what Tony asked, signing where designated, when the performances ended, he sat back in his chair thinking.

Choosing to stay in New York felt right, it was the better option. Regardless of litigation or whatever else his record company would throw at him. Leaving New York, his frown deepened. Not seeing Joshua for…even a minute was hard, harder than when Adrian had forced him to walk away from their life together. He closed his eyes afraid of the pain he’d feel.

“Alexi,” Joshua said his name and he glanced at him hoping for a reprieve from his torturous thoughts. “We have to go on stage, time for the certificates.”

Joshua walked up with him, that he did so without Alexi asking, made Alexi love him even more. Alexi handed out the certificates with plastic smiles.

“And now for the top student in this summer music program,” Tony said when they got to the last name. “This student has earned herself a chance to perform on a world stage, with renowned composer Alexander Kotaru in Tokyo this August. Jennifer Becket.”

Alexi felt his first genuine smile tug at his lips. He was glad Jenny had actually managed to snag top place. She walked onto the stage with a giddy expression, her cheeks flushed with excitement. When she got to Tony, Alexi noted the tears in her eyes.

“Congratulations, Jenny,” Tony said taking her hand. She thanked him with a nod and walked the few steps to Alexi.

He handed her the highly prized certificate and shook her hand. “I’m glad you made it. I can’t wait to perform with you on stage.”

“The pleasure is mine, Mr. Kotaru. Thank you so much for the opportunity.” She squeezed his hand tightly.

Her hopeful smile as she turned to an applauding audience undid him. So many were depending on him, his future was set. Lily was right, he was mad to imagine he could cancel his tour. It was impossible.

“Alexi?” Joshua said clutching his elbow. He turned to Joshua and he suddenly felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, driving him down-, “Alexi, please, stay up, just a little longer.”

Joshua held his elbow and started leading him off the stage. He gulped in air as they walked down the steps back to their seats. Lily showed up by his side with a bottle of water, and he took it gratefully. Tony kept talking on stage, addressing the students, congratulating them on their work. Alexi sipped water, aware of Joshua still holding his elbow. Lily stood right behind him with a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re right.” Alexi turned to Joshua. “I have to go on that tour.”

Joshua squeezed his elbow. “What about us?”

“I love you.” He glanced at Joshua with a small smile. Their future, however undefined, he had to believe that their love would survive separation. Despite the huge lump in his throat, he asked. “I’m hoping you won’t mind hanging out with me too much until I leave?”

Joshua cleared his throat and tugged his arm until they were holding hands. Alexi bit his lip hard, to keep his eyes from glazing with tears. “I’d love that very much, Alexi.”

*****

The two weeks that followed the graduation ceremony were strangely quiet. Neither of them spoke of the future, they discussed Dr. Marshall’s therapy suggestions and the sessions Alexi had to face every day.

Dr. Marshall insisted that the only way to get Alexi back on the stage was to get as much exposure to the thing that scared him most. With Joshua’s help, they got permission for Alexi to use one of the music department’s theatres. Dr. Marshall urged Alexi to spend time on the stage as much as he could.

The first couple of days were brutal. Alexi could barely stay on the stage for more than three minutes without panicking. While he worked on his stage fright, Joshua’s case had taken great strides.

The week after the graduation ceremony, Malcolm had called to give Joshua a court date for the initial hearing. Alexi had sat beside Lily during the hearing, his gaze fixated on Sherry. The woman had kept her gaze away from Joshua through the twenty-minute session. Not once looking up at Joshua, only answering questions as her lawyer directed. Once the hearing was over, Joshua had started to talk to her, but she’d left in a hurry, refusing to glance at him.

Alexi’s opinion of her had only lowered in that moment. Sherry wasn’t likeable, he was judging the book by its cover and he knew it. Nevertheless, he really didn’t like Sherry. The next day, Malcolm came to the penthouse to let them know that the judge had approved the mediation process. Alexi held Joshua’s hand tightly as Malcolm explained what to expect the next few months.

Other times when they were free of Malcolm and Dr. Marshall, or even Lily and the endless concert tour planning, he and Joshua filled their time with dates, and outrageous outings. Joshua continuously found spots in the city that surprised Alexi, turning their nights into magical moments he’d never forget.

He smiled thinking about last weekend when Joshua had made him dress up in a tuxedo. Joshua had taken him out for a romantic dinner then they’d watched a show on Broadway and gone back to Joshua’s house.

There were nights this past week that they’d walked the streets holding hands and making wishful plans. Plans to be together, to visit cities and take wild vacations together. Plans and wishes, but never talking about the future, he thought with a frown.

“Are you thinking about Joshua?” Dr. Marshall asked him interrupting his thoughts.

He opened his eyes and stared at the dimly lit hall ahead of him. One week and a half and he could finally sit on a stage without wanting to bolt. The abyss wasn’t so scary. His fear that he might drown in it was dissipating with each session.

“We don’t talk about the future.” Alexi glanced at Dr. Marshall who sat on a piano bench by the stage entrance. “We’re moving through the days as though August is not coming.”

“Avoidance,” Dr. Marshall said with a cool tone.

Alexi chuckled and folded his hands on his knees. “Isn’t that what led me here?”

“You’re dealing with your fear.”

“I lost confidence in my music when I was in Japan. I should have waited instead of jumping into a tour after Adrian left me. I was so hell bent on showing him I didn’t need him.” Alexi sighed and dropped his head into his hands. His head was spinning again. Closing his eyes, he breathed in slowly and let it out. “Back to back concerts, studio appearances, the press whirlwind, I lost sight of myself through all that mess. I’m so afraid that it will happen all over again. I’ll be leaving New York and going into a tour.”

“You mean you’ll be leaving Joshua?” Dr. Marshall asked gently.

Alexi opened his eyes to stare at the dim hall again. He could see the red velvet seats in neat rows. His first concert was in the Tokyu theatre orb, a medium sized setting, around two thousand people. A modest number, he thought, the size of the audience wasn’t the problem however. He was more concerned about the people in the audience. They were the same critics who’d torn him apart after his last tour.

“Alexi.” Dr. Marshall’s voice cut into his thoughts. “Are you alright? We were talking about Joshua.”

“What about him?”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.” The word came so easily these days, he smiled. Like his music, his emotions for Joshua were part of him now.

“Do you think he has played a big role in getting you back together?”

Alexi wrung his fingers in his lap and nodded.

“He has,” Alexi said with a smile. “When I found out what Adrian had done, I was a mess. I couldn’t even leave the penthouse without Lily or a driver. Joshua changed that for me. Practically dragged me out of the building,” Alexi chuckled at the memory. “We ended up at the fountain in the Washington Square Park seated on the step, listening to music.”

“Lily says you wanted to cancel the tour for Joshua.”

“I’ve changed my mind.” Even if he wanted to right now, it was too late. Lily had sent in the schedule to Peter and preparations were underway. Various orchestras scheduled to perform with him were hard at work in different cities. The tour crew, site managers…he shuddered. Jenny, he thought thinking about the girl who was to make her debut with him at the Tokyu theatre orb. “There is too much riding on the tour to stop it now.”

“Joshua can visit you in Japan. Have you asked him?”

“He’s dealing with problems of his own.”

“How do you feel right now?”

Alexi took in a deep breath and stared down the dark theatre. “A little afraid if I stand up I might fall on my face. What are we trying to accomplish here other than torturing me?”

“Exposure therapy,” Dr. Marshall said gently. “You’ve been on a stage all your life Alexi. At some point last year, the confidence you found on the stage disappeared, replaced with fear. You avoided the problem and now you’ve barely managed to get up here to perform. I’m hoping that by the end of the next week, you’ll be able to manage your fear. Well enough to perform without panic.”

Alexi leaned back on his elbows tipping his head back to stare at the lights above him. “I’ve performed on stages, Dr. Marshall. I’ve never sat on one for this long before. It’s certainly a new experience.”

“How do you feel about that?”

Alexi laughed at the familiar phrase. “I don’t know yet, the jury’s still out.”

*****

“Sherry thinks I want to take Shane away.”

Joshua paced his living room arms crossed against his chest. Alicia walked around him collecting newspapers, and magazines and arranging them.

“I just want a few hours with him, why does she have to be so unreasonable.” He stopped abruptly almost bumping into Alicia.

“Sit down; you’re going to knock me over me at this rate.”

She pointed to the couch behind him and he sat automatically. “What did Malcolm say?”

“He’s talking to her lawyer; we’re not to meet face to face until they agree.” Joshua punched his hand into the cushions and dropped his head back. “I want to drive down to her house and shake her until she returns to her senses.”

“Josh, if you keep talking like that I’m going to find handcuffs.”

Alicia dropped a stack of National Geographic magazines on a shelf by the windows. “Have you talked to Alexi about this? I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“He’s busy getting ready for his tour.” Joshua scowled at the ceiling. He and Alexi were stuck in a flurry of avoiding each other. Watching him talk with Lily in the dining room, planning dates and writing up lists for the tour venues, his fear of losing Alexi was growing day by day.

“Josh?”

“What?” He snapped raising his head to look at his sister.

Alicia stood holding two mugs of coffee and a hurt look that made him instantly regret his tone.

“Jeez, Alicia,” he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re such a grumpy bear.” She handed him his coffee and sipped her own. “I think you need to take a break. Take Alexi out, have a nice date and talk.”

“We’ve gone out every night for the past week and a half. We go back home to his apartment or mine, and make love all night. Neither of us talks about the future though.”

“Then make it a point tonight,” Alicia advised.

****

So, I want to blame email eating gremlins, vacations and author procrastination for the long delay to update this story.  I've been bad, ...I'm sorry for that, but Alexi and Joshua are back on track and here's a new chapter.  I hope to see your thoughts...and I hope your summer is going good.