The Next Stage - 28. Things Need to Change

Jasper is enthralled by Ryan’s presence and just everything. He never thought he’d see Ryan on stage performing again after his spectacular exit from The Obsolete. His shows were the exception and had mostly been a gimmick for their fans. But he’s up there, on a Broadway stage, the spotlight skimming over him from time to time when the shows’ leads pass him by. Each dance move is executed with precision and pride, filling Jasper with such a warm admiration for Ryan’s success. After all this time, trying to find the right career and achieve happiness, dancing in a musical had never come up, and yet up here he looked like his whole life had been leading to this moment. This discovery of true passion.

He did belong on stage. On this stage, at least. In costume, playing a part and expressing it all through his movements.

Dampening the thrill Jasper feels, watching Ryan in his element, part of him is crushed that Ry hadn’t shared the news that he was going to be in the show himself. He may have meant this to be a surprise, but it felt cruel to have let him consider for even a few seconds that he would be watching the show alone. Especially when their relationship was so unclear.

Right up until the end of the show, Jasper’s scanning his attention over everyone until he finds Ryan. During Cell Block Tango, Jasper’s barely able to concentrate because Ryan’s wearing a black net singlet and he looks stupidly phenomenal in it. But it’s the fact it’s paired with suspenders, suit pants and a top hat that’s has Jasper thinking how Ryan really is the most attractive person he’s ever met. He’d say the most attractive on the stage, but he really doesn’t know because the only thing he’s noticed about everyone else is that they are not Ryan.

A Broadway show cannot be considered foreplay, but Ryan seems to be less dressed every time Jasper sees him. In Razzle Dazzle, he’s just in pants and suspenders. He’s really embracing the fact the song is about being distraction. There aren’t even words for the wave of thoughts and feelings that hit Jasper when he sees Ryan climb onto the lawyer's desk, drop his waist down, and grind a few times. Sure, there’s another male dancer mirroring each move and somewhere in the audience their partner is probably sitting there thinking that everyone’s eyes are surely feasting on their lover, but Jasper can’t imagine anyone not looking at Ryan. This show is a waste. All these other performers are on stage being the secondary act to his husband.

Jasper could, and would, watch an entire musical focused on Ryan slowly wearing less and dancing more provocatively. That sounded like a great idea for a full-blown production.

But Razzle Dazzle is the last time Ryan is on stage and it’s only then that Jasper realises there’s been stuff going on around him that he’s completely ignored.

After it finishes, everyone is brought back out on stage for the applause and, try as he might, Jasper cannot see Ryan among the group of chorus and back-up dancers. There’s actually a surprising amount of them that Jasper had not noticed at all.

*** 

Jasper and Leo stand around in the foyer, unsure of where they would find Ryan. They run into Jules, who is understandably over the moon over her son’s performance. It’s nice for Jasper to receive a comforting hug from her, seemingly having no idea of the strained relationship between her son and his husband. She’s one big bubble of excitement and Jasper can’t help but grin as he listens to her talking at a hundred miles an hour about how proud she is of everything Ryan has achieved. Jasper feels the same way, and couldn’t wait to actually get to tell Ryan that.

He feels as though his perspective had just hit a refresh and, though he is absolutely desperate to get his own career back out there, he wants to prove to Ryan that he can be the encouraging, supportive husband he’s struggled to be. The long days alone with the baby while Ry was at rehearsals, they were isolating and hard and he’d felt a constant fear of fading into the background of everything his life had been.

But seeing Ryan get the chance to be the star and embracing it, bringing his ultimate passion to life through those dance moves, it made all of Jasper’s own sacrifice feel at least worth it.

He just hoped it wasn’t too late for him to earn back Ryan’s love. If this is how busy their lives would be, then things between them would have to be a hundred times stronger if they wanted their marriage to survive. Jasper would have to be a hundred times stronger at handling his roles and not relying on Ryan’s help, or sometimes even his company.

But he’d sacrifice a hundred times over to have the opportunity to celebrate every performance Ryan gets to do in the future. He never wanted to be left in the dark about such exciting experiences. He wanted Ryan to come in the door with a grin on his face, grab him, kiss him and tell him about a part he’d been given. To watch him practice in the backyard, not hide all his achievements.

Jasper’s excitement over his husband’s show made him forget that he, too, caused excitement. As they wait, he’s approached numerous times for selfies and to be told how incredible it was to see Ryan on stage. He’s surrounded by a group of people wanting a photo with him. While looking into the camera of someone’s phone, he sees Ryan walk right past him to have a brief conversation with Leo, then walk away again with Jules. Jasper catches Leo’s eye and Leo gives him a fake smile. He’d been surrounded by people, but he’d been far from unnoticeable.

Ryan had made an effort not to see him.

As the crowd around Jasper begins to disperse, Jasper goes to Leo’s side, asking if Ryan had said anything, but it’s just as Ryan and Jules return. This time, Ryan is the one surrounded by people with their phones out, wanting photos. He rushes through a dozen or so photos before someone asks for one with Jasper.

“Of course.” Ryan reaches a hand out and Jasper does not hesitate to take it, letting Ryan pull him closer. They both smile like the world is all sunshine and rainbows while their adoring supporters take a bunch of photos.

Satisfied that they’d given enough time, Ryan says, “sorry, I’m going to have to steal him.” Before turning and leading Jasper out and through the door, he’d slipped through before into a hallway that leads to the backstage dressing rooms. Down the end he can hear the chatter of performers still getting ready to leave, but it’s not long before the silence between them becomes hard to handle.

Ryan sighs, letting go of Jasper’s hand, leaning back against the wall and looking down the hall at the performers all rushing around. “There’s an after party. Not like the parties you’re used to. It’ll be very tame. Everyone has to be able to perform tomorrow, but just to celebrate a successful opening night, we’re all getting together in a venue room of a hotel down the street,” he says, looking down at his feet.

“Oh, of course. Leo can take me home. You go have a good time with everyone. You deserve it.” Jasper gives his best encouraging smile, though he wished Ryan was coming home with him. Actually, he wished more than anything that this mood between them could just part like clouds on a rainy day, letting the sun in for just a few moments. Enough for Jasper to hug him, express his pride and his love and to know that’d be accepted, not met with a cold shoulder.

“Sure,” Ryan shrugs, then turns to walk away. After a few steps, he turns back. "If you want to go home, that’s fine. I appreciate you being here for the show, but I would have just texted you to go home if I didn’t want you coming with me to the after party.”

“I assumed you wouldn’t want me there.”

“If I didn’t want you there, I wouldn’t have invited you.” Ryan steps back towards Jasper, leaning against the wall and eyeing him curiously.

“Don’t hate me for this, but... You said that like you were telling me, not inviting me.”

“I know. I am finding it difficult to be clear about things with you at the moment.” Ryan admits, rubbing his forehead like just thinking about them was giving him a headache. “I want you to come to the after party.”

“Why?” Jasper asks, and though he does genuinely want to know, he’s just as thrown off as Ryan is that he’d asked that.

“Is ‘I just do’ going to be an acceptable answer?” Ryan sighs.

“It’s not very committal...”

“You’re making this impossible.”

“I make everything impossible.” Jasper shrugs, looking down at his feet.

Ryan laughs. “True,” he laughs again, then walks over to Jasper, taking his hand and running his thumb over the wedding band. After a few moments of silence, Jasper’s eyes meet Ryan’s unreadable expression. “Do you want to come with me to the after party?”

“If it’s what you want, I’ll be there.” Jasper nods.

“Ok.” Ryan nods too, letting go of Jasper’s hand. “I wonder if Leo’s back yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked him to drop mum home then come with us.”

“You invited Leo to the after party too?” Jasper asks.

“Well, I didn’t want you to feel alone there, since you don’t know anyone else. He’s meeting us down the back.” Ryan answers, and without another word, he’s walking down the hallway towards the dressing rooms.

Jasper feels like everything inside him is turning to stone, making his body heavy to move as he follows Ryan. As though Ryan just built him up to think things were on the mend, just to once again ditch him with Leo, so he’s not ‘lonely’.

Leo’s out the back waiting for them, so Jasper doesn’t get a chance to ask Ryan what is going on. They get in the back together, which is some comfort, but only because Jasper is trying to pull comfort out of the smallest reassuring signs he can find.

“Did you enjoy the show?” Ryan asks to Leo, making Jasper realise Ryan hadn’t even bothered to ask him.

“Of course. Thank you so much for the ticket.” Leo grins.

“That’s alright. I couldn’t leave Jasper there alone.” Ryan shrugs. Jasper swallows down a sick feeling pitting in his stomach as his mind wanders. The suggestion of Jasper being left alone, and Ryan choosing Leo to be there for him, didn’t sit right. It almost felt like either a test or a subtle way of passing him off to be Leo’s partner, not his. Especially given Ryan clearly had an issue with the two of them, given how he’d felt towards the idea of them going away overseas together. To be forcing them together during moments that are making Jasper feel emotionally weak is giving him all the vibes that Ryan either wants them to fuck this up, or he’s given up caring all together.

“Ryan, I have to know. Who’s the cute blonde guy I saw?” Leo asks.

“Elliot?”

Jasper wills himself not to get immediately jealous at the speed at which Ryan put a name to a description as vague as ‘the cute blonde guy’.

“The guy you were dancing with in the ‘All That Jazz’?”

“Yeah.”

“Nice.”

“You want me to introduce you at the party?”

“I would appreciate that.”

“Not even going to bother asking if he’s single first?” Ryan asks and Jasper’s attention is well and truly on Ryan’s interest in this.

“I assume he wouldn’t be.”

“Why?”

“Nothing will stop me trying my luck, but he seems like the type that’s married to the stage, you know?”

“Oh, like someone else I know.” Ryan casts Jasper a wink, but Jasper is too busy still in his own head about Ryan’s quick answer to the ‘cute blonde guy’ question. Rationally he knew if he’d paid any attention to the other guys on stage, he’d probably know who Leo was asking about and maybe there was only one person that fit that description, but in his head the thought is just circling every insecurity with the fact that Ryan found another guy ‘cute’ enough to distinguish him from everyone else on stage tonight. Jasper’s eyes had been on Ryan all night, but who had Ryan’s eyes been on?

Jasper and Leo share a look in the rear-view mirror as the car ride falls back to silence.

“Now wouldn’t be the moment to make a threesome joke to break the tension, would it?” Leo asks. He’s answered only by the entertained but not encouraging looks Jasper and Ryan both give him. “Didn’t think so. But like I said, trying my luck.”

*** 

Ryan leads Jasper through the large venue, surprisingly packed with people. The performers, their guests, caterers mill around a dance floor in the middle of the room or sit among the scattering of tables and chairs around it.

Leo's already lagging, his eyes darting around the room for this guy he’d apparently been fixated on during the show that Jasper hadn’t so much as noticed.

“Jasper, this is Maria, the show's lead choreographer. Maria, this is Jasper.” Ryan introduces him to a woman in stilettos and a retro-looking rockabilly style polka-dot dress.

“Oh yes, the scandalous husband.” Maria gives Jasper a curt nod.

Jasper feels taken off guard by the comment. “I promise I’m not as bad in person as they say,” he tells her, mortified to think this was how he was known among the people Ryan had been working with.

“Honey, you’re in a room full of performers. Don’t bore us with your best behaviour. I have to mingle. Thank you again Ryan. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around my stages again soon. Enjoy the party.”

As Maria walks away from them, Ryan gives an admiring sigh and shrugs at Jasper. “I aspire to be as cut throat as her, but I’m also absolutely terrified of Maria. You would not believe the attitude required to keep so many performers in line,” he says, with a small smile.

“That’s him over there.” Leo catches up to them, gesturing at a man in a dark blue suit, bright red suspenders and a bow tie, standing on the edge of the dancefloor with a champagne flute in his hands, talking to a couple of ladies in stunning gowns.

“Eli,” Ryan calls out, then gestures the man to come over and join them.

Seeing him, Jasper could actually understand how ‘cute blonde guy’ was a distinguishable enough description. Elliot looked like he stepped out of a magazine, or is simply an animated doll, right down to the camera perfect smile on his perfectly symmetrical flawless face.

“Eli, this is Jasper and our friend Leo. Guys, this is Elliot, one of the most talented dancers in the group.”

Jasper ignores the swell of discomfort at not being introduced as Ryan’s husband. He’d have even settled for partner. In front of ‘the cute blonde guy’, Jasper wanted Ryan to introduce him in some way that made it clear he’s not single. This came across like he wanted to leave that up to interpretation.

“Oh, stop it, you’re not meant to pick favourites.” Elliot’s laugh and the way he touches Ryan’s shoulder makes Jasper want to punch him in the face, but he restrains himself and accepts only picturing it in his head.

Thankfully, Leo is overcome with his inner fangirl at the sight of this pretty man and immediately launches into conversation. “Nice to meet you. Of all the people up there tonight, I found myself looking for you in every dance routine. You were incredible.” Leo extends a hand to shake Elliot’s.

Maybe Jasper is jealously imagining things, but for a split-second Elliot and Ryan share a smile and he’s back to wanting to punch this guy, change that symmetry with a broken nose.

“Thanks babe.” Elliot shakes his hand, and Jasper feels like his heart is being squeezed. For months he’d been ignoring Ryan’s overuse of the affectionate name ‘babe’, and the way it’d replaced being called ‘Jas’, but hearing that he considered Elliot cute, called him by a nickname, didn’t react when Elliot touched his shoulder and now hearing Elliot say babe felt like a lot of dots connecting all at once.

“Sorry, I’ll be back.” Ryan excuses himself, heading further into the group to hug and talk to some of the other dancers.

“Is your partner here?” Leo asks.

“I’m flattered, but I’m not interested,” Elliot replies.

“Honest. I like that,” Leo shrugs. “So, you’re a dancer?”

Jasper frowns at Leo, genuinely shocked to hear how much he’s failing to have a normal conversation. It's the charming innocence in his face that is very much Leo’s Kryptonite.

There’s a short and very cringe worthy few exchanges from Leo, who’s barely putting a full sentence together in front of a guy that has already rejected him, before Elliot asks him to go get him another drink.

“Sure, what would you like?”

“Just another glass of champagne.” Elliot hands Leo his empty glass and Jasper is almost embarrassed that Leo just takes it and disappears through the crowd to get this man a drink. Knowing Leo though, ‘the cute blonde guy’ showing no interest then ordering him to do something this quickly after meeting, was probably exactly what he wanted. Given the sigh Elliot gives, he’s just glad to be getting rid of him.

“So, what is it you do?” Elliot asks, and Jasper is stunned. It’d been a very long time since anyone had even felt the need to ask that.

“I’m a singer?” he answers, confused.

“Yeah, but you haven’t done anything in a while, have you, babe?” his tone is certainly condescending and Jasper can tell this isn’t a conversation worth having. Unable to back down from a fight, though, he continues.

“I had a world tour a little over a year ago and released two music videos late last year.”

“Yeah, but like, nothing recent.”

Elliot’s expression and the tone in his voice, while simultaneously pissing Jasper off, reminds him of himself. Elliot is treating him, how Jasper had treated Damien. Like just another nobody that didn’t deserve recognition. He loved the spite, but he hated seeing it from the young, physically flawless man that his husband had been spending months and months dancing with.

“Sorry. You’ve had so much going on lately, it’d be impressive if you’d managed to do anything for yourself. Between raising a baby, congrats on that, by the way. That public sex scandal that cost Ryan his position as co-choreographer because of all the drama on your name. All of that must have been incredibly taxing on your mental health, especially with such limited support. I can’t imagine Ryan’s been much help given he’s spent almost all his waking hours with me the last few months,” Elliot states with a casual smile that gives the same feeling as touching something so hot your nerves don’t register you're being burnt at first. “Here.” Elliot whisks two champagne glasses from a passing waiter’s tray, holding one out for Jasper. “I’m about to make a toast to your husband. It’d be impolite for you not to have a drink.”

Jasper takes it, holding the glass like he’s afraid of it as he watches the way Elliot smiles before turning and making his way to the microphone on the stage. He taps his glass, getting everyone’s attention.

“I just wanted to get up and say a few words. To our so-nice-he’s-too-easy newbie choreographer who we all thought we could walk all over, only to be completely shown up by the talent, the determination and the passion to make this show a great success. They even fired you and didn’t take the hint, showing up at rehearsals and doing personal training...” Elliot’s eyes purposefully fall on Jasper as he speaks, then he’s back to looking at Ryan. “Congratulations, you’re a Broadway bitch now. I look forward to sharing many more stages and spotlights with you. To Ryan.” Elliot lifts his glass and everyone else follows.

Jasper lifts his glass, though he’s staring absently at the floor. He didn’t want to be here another second. For once in his life, being in a room full of strangers felt too much. Normally he could mingle and work the crowd. Make people laugh and foster conversations that felt like friendships. But tonight he wanted to be invisible. He finds himself a space against a wall and leans back against it, hoping to just go by unseen.

He catches a glimpse of Leo walking straight past him to give Elliot the glass of champagne he’d asked for just to be alone long enough to flatten Jasper’s ego.

Ryan had said it before they came, that Jasper would be alone in a room full of people he doesn’t know. In a way, he wonders whether Ryan invited him to show him that. To show him the future, Ryan was moving into was one Jasper couldn’t fit into.

A tear slips from his eye as the thought crosses him and, as if the world is mocking him, the next song that’s playing through the speakers is one of his own. The one he and Ryan acted out a wedding for the accompanying music video.

He looks up, seeing Ryan approach him through the crowd.

“Can I have a sip?” he asks. Jasper holds out his glass, thankful the moment Ryan takes the temptation from his hands. In one smooth drink, Ryan downs it, placing the now empty glass on the nearest surface. He holds his hand out for Jasper, who is reluctant but desperate to feel some kind of connection to keep him from slipping into the uncomfortable and miserable isolation of a full room. “The last time I heard this song, I was walking down a rose petal pathway to kiss the man I loved. We needed it then. Let’s see if the magic still works. Dance with me.”

“In front of a room full of dancers? Ry... I-“

Ryan pulls him in close, chest to chest. Both arms circle around Jasper, holding him tight. “Relax,” he whispers, as he guides Jasper over to the dance floor.

Jasper feels Ryan’s heartbeat, quick and heavy against him. Choosing to enjoy this for however long it lasts, Jasper closes his eyes and rests his head on Ryan’s shoulder. He missed these arms around him. He missed the smell of Ryan’s cologne that he associated with love.

As the song goes on, Jasper aches for what would happen to them when it ends. Everything tonight had felt like a sign that this was the end for them. It hurt. Being held with such affection when everything felt so broken hurt.

“What you did broke my heart, Jas.” Ryan whispers in a soft tone.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Jasper says, choking back the tearful waver in his voice.

“I know. I’m sorry, too.” Ryan says, one hand leaving Jasper’s waist. He delicately lifts Jasper’s chin. “I don’t ever want to lose you. That’s why it hurt. Because I don’t ever want to fall out of love with you.” Ryan leans in, collecting Jasper’s surprised and relieved lips in a kiss that they both needed. Words could only say so much, but the tenderness of Ryan’s lips and the loving embrace was the reassurance that Jasper was aching for. In the moment, Jasper forgets all the people around them. His hands move to cup Ryan’s face with overwhelming consolation.

Ryan’s fingers move around the back of Jasper’s neck and slide into his hair. He wanted to be closer than they could be in the middle of a party, but he also didn’t want to ever let go. Part of him was afraid that moving forward was a mistake, but the rest of him felt more at home here with Jasper than he had in their place the last few weeks. He breaks the kiss and they share a sweet smile.

“I don’t think I kiss you enough.” Ryan whispers.

“I don’t really give you enough reasons to. Thank you for giving me another chance.”

“I’m not giving you anything. You earned this. I’m still hurt, but I don’t want to push you away. I can’t keep punishing you over the ‘what ifs’. I want to enjoy and love what I have in front of me. You and Jasmyn... You’re mine. It’s unbearable being around you and trying to remind myself not to just grab you and kiss you all the time. I wanted you to know how seriously you hurt me, but I can’t drag this on any longer. I miss just loving you.” Ryan sighs, resting his forehead against Jasper’s. “I’m going to miss you so much, I already can’t wait for you to come home.”

“I don’t even want to leave.”

“You have to. Because that charity is important to you and you need to get away. I know it’s been suffocating you to be home all the time. Besides, last-minute flights cost a fortune.”

“What do you mean last minute flights?”

“I booked a ticket for Leo. You’re right, it was fine last time and it’ll be fine again. I trust you. I know it’s tempting, but I trust you.”

“Ry, why didn’t you tell me you lost your job?”

“The last thing you needed was to be blaming yourself for that. You had enough to deal with.”

“So instead, you lied about what you were doing for months?”

Ryan gives a sigh. “I know. I just thought if I worked hard enough and showed them all I could separate my personal and professional life they’d offer me my position again.”

“I would have supported that. If you were honest and told me what happened and what you were doing to try and fix it, I would have encouraged you. You know I would have, right? What’s the real reason you didn’t tell me?” Jasper asks.

Ryan is hesitant for a few painfully telling moments.

“Did anything happen with you and Elliot?” Jasper hates that he’s even asking, but he couldn’t get it out of his mind.

“God, he wishes. I’ve not had to work with someone trying so hard to seduce me since I met you. Either I got better at resisting or you just set the bar unattainably high.” Ryan smiles at Jasper, and it’s so genuine and soft that it blankets all of Jasper’s worst thoughts.

“He was trying to give me the impression that the two of you had a thing.”

“Mm. His dancing skills and his ability to undermine others until they question their own worth and fall apart in a heap leaving a space for him to step into, are the reasons he is an excellent performer, but an awful person.”

“What is it about cute, bitchy blondes that does it for you?” Jasper teases.

Ryan smiles too, giving a groan. “It’s always the problems ones. I never fall for the quietly ambitious ones,” he jokes.

“I have a feeling him undermining me has less to do with his Broadway career and more to do with his personal wants.”

“I’ve tried telling him his talent will get him there, but he’s under the impression he has to destroy his competition or sleep his way into a lead role.”

“Were you ever tempted with Elliot?” Jasper asks. Ryan’s eyes meet his and he can tell there’s yet again reluctance to answer. “Was he the reason you kept going to rehearsals even after you were fired?”

“No.” Ryan answers, almost offended.

“But you weren’t rehearsing alone, were you?”

Ryan sighs. “No.”

“When you suggested we take a break, was that because you wanted to pursue someth-”

“No. You were right about that. I did say that just to hurt you. I thought I wanted you to feel how I’d felt, but.” Ryan shakes his head, holding Jasper a little tighter. “That was an awful thing to do to you and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Yeah. It made me think I’d really ruined us forever.”

“I know. Hearing that panic attack made me re-consider everything over again. You ordered that paternity test when we were in the hospital, didn’t you? Freshly diagnosed. Not on your meds. Emotions all over the place because we’d just become parents. I should never have blamed you for ordering the test in the first place.”

“It’s not an excuse...”

“It’s a reason. Which is more than I have. I knew you were struggling, and I still prioritized a job I didn’t even have at the time.”

“When did you get the dance position?”

“About ten minutes before the show started when the dancer who was supposed to do the part twisted his ankle, and I happened to know the routine well enough to cover his part.” Ryan shrugs.

“Isn’t that what understudies are for?” Jasper asks.

“Well, yeah. But I choreographed it so I guess I knew it better than anyone. It was only for tonight, though.”

“That’s a pity. You looked really good up there. Maybe next time you should audition to be in a show,” Jasper suggests.

“We'll see. For now, I think I need to focus my attention on us.”

“Ry?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t hold yourself back because of me. I think we drifted apart more than we want to admit. We were so focused on getting pregnant, getting married, my tour, Jazzy, your career. We didn’t really stop to think about whether we were still doing all of it because we feel like we’re meant to be, or if we just think we’re meant to be.” Jasper says bravely, though he doesn’t want to even look at Ryan now for fear of completely crumbling.

“Yeah.” Ryan admits quietly, but before the weight of his agreeance fully sinks in and drags Jasper’s heart down like its stone, he continues. “For what it’s worth, though, I still believe we are meant to be.”

Jasper glances away from Ryan, feeling too unworthy to look in Ryan in the eyes. It’s only now that he becomes aware of the audience they’d attracted.

“We have a room booked upstairs if you’d like to continue this in private,” Ryan whispers, noticing what Jasper’s looking at.

“Ry, I can appreciate that you want to be here celebrating your big night.” Jasper replies, looking deep into Ryan’s eyes.

“Babe...”

Jasper rolls his eyes. “Please don’t call me that.”

Ryan looks at him for a moment, taken aback. Then with a soft smile he says, “Jas,” and the smile Jasper can’t hold back rewards him. He leans his forehead against Jasper’s. “I just want to be with you.”

Whether he means it in the sense of not wanting Elliot, or not wanting to be surrounded by people, Jasper does not care.

“I don’t want to go to some hotel room,” Jasper whispers back.

“Home?”

Jasper nods. Ryan steals another kiss in public, caring absolutely zero percent for how many people are watching them. All he cares about in this moment is how much he wanted to show Jasper that no matter how insecure he feels, their marriage isn’t doomed.

They’d drifted, yes. Things had been chaos since Jasmyn was born. Jasper had been dropping hints left, right and centre that he needed more from Ryan than he was getting. While Ryan was enjoying the thrill of being valued by others, Jasper was at home feeling worthless and forgotten, left with nothing but his thoughts to build up every minor problem until it felt like the end of the world.

Even if some of that was all in his head, Ryan knew he could have done better to reassure him. Jasper once asked what he was coming second best to and Ryan had said nothing, because in his heart there was nothing before Jasper. But in his actions, he failed to show that. Jasper needed attention, the flirting and the physical affection. He’d been practically starved of it in all forms. Behaving himself as best he could to keep their lives private and not get involved in drama online, which kept him from enjoying interactions with his fans and led to catastrophic outbursts.

Neglected by Ryan, who’d tried to do right by him with not pushing any situation that could have added pressure while Jasper was adjusting to his medications. It seemed reasonable and fine for Ryan, because he wasn’t at home all day feeling alone and undesired. It’s no wonder Jasper interpreted things as more disastrous than they really were. Ryan knew he’d done a poor job of ensuring Jasper actually felt loved and important.

Tonight, and until Jasper left, Ryan intended to make up for it all.

Jasper expected that Ryan would try to subtly sneak them away, but ignoring that they still have a lot of attention on them, Ryan takes Jasper’s hand and just leads him off the dance floor, weaving past people with a pointed “excuse me.”

Eyes are on them and it’s forcing an annoyingly embarrassed smile on Jasper’s lips as everyone watches them leave.

Ryan casts a look over his shoulder and just shakes his head, a fond smile on his own face.

“They definitely know I’m taking you home to celebrate.” Ryan teases, pushing the button for the elevator, then pulling Jasper close and pressing his back to the cold metal doors. Before the surprised expression leaves his face, Ryan leans in slowly, taunting him with the closeness of their lips. As their lips touch, the lift doors behind Jasper open and with Ryan’s hands on his waist, they slip through and into the luckily empty elevator.

Jasper didn’t feel at all like he deserved this, but he wasn’t about to say no or question it. A heated, passionate kiss was on top of the list of things he needed right now.

*** 

“You guys are home earlier than I thought.” Beth says in a whisper, rocking side to side as she walks over with their adorable, sleeping baby that she could have put to bed, but had been enjoying the snuggles too much to do so.

“How’s she been?” Jasper asks, putting his arms out to take her back, but Beth pouts at him and cuddles her tighter.

“She’s been an angel. I might just steal her.”

“You cannot steal her. She’s mine,” Jasper replies.

“You can babysit while Jasper’s away. I think he wants to make the most of all the cuddles he can for now,” Ryan hints.

Beth snaps out of her pout and passes Jasmyn into Jasper’s arms. “How was the show?” she asks.

“Ryan was in it.” Jasper answers.

“What?”

“Only a one off as a back-up dancer. But it was an incredible experience,” Ryan grins, boiling the kettle. “Do you want a tea, Beth?”

“Oh, no. I’ll let you guys enjoy the family time. Thank you for the cuddles, Jazzy.” Beth kisses her soft little cheek, then kisses Jasper’s cheek. “You be safe on your trip, okay?”

“I’m going over to watch people build and orphanage, not go to circuit parties.” Jasper laughs.

“Do I want to know what a circuit party is?” Beth asks.

“It’s not likely an event that will take place in a homophobic country. Put it that way.” Ryan answers with a smile on his face. “Thanks for watching the little one. I’m glad she’s been good, because I’m sure to be calling in baby-sitting favours over the next few months.”

“I can’t wait! See you guys later.” Beth collects her bag, gives a wave and leaves.

“Here ba- Jas.” Ryan walks over and places a tea beside Jasper. “I’m going to take a quick shower, then we’re going to continue our chat. You stay here and soak up those cuddles.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not putting her down tonight.” Jasper replies, closing his eyes as he snuggles Jasmyn in tight, hoping to memorize everything about her, and hoping he was making it into her dreams subconsciously.

*** 

When Ryan gets out of the shower, he finds his two favourite people lying together on the bed. Jasmyn is out to it, lying on Jasper’s side of the bed taking up a surprising amount of room for someone so small. Jasper is lying in the middle, with his finger tightly held in Jasmyn’s sleepy grip.

Ryan walks over and climbs on behind Jasper, pressing a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

“Are you ok?” he asks.

“Yeah. I just feel really bad about everything. I don’t want to leave.”

“If it helps at all, this is the time of her life that she won’t really remember. She’ll miss you, or course. She adores her deedee. But she’s not going to remember that when she was a baby, you had to go away for a few months.” Ryan says, spooning him and feeling the way Jasper’s tense body relaxes against his.

“I’ll still feel bad,” Jasper sighs.

“You’ve gotta help some other kids that don’t have the privileges she does.”

“I think that concept may be a little advanced for her right now.”

Ryan laughs. “Maybe. But one day she’s going to know that you helped a lot of people have a better life.”

“Still. I feel like it’s my own family I’m letting down.”

“You’re not letting us down, Jas. You’re making us proud. I’m so proud of you for what you’re doing. I know how long you’ve wanted to be able to make this difference for those kids. You should feel proud of yourself, too.”

Jasper shifts onto his back, looking over at Ryan. “I really thought you’d given up on me and our marriage was all falling apart and I’d go away and you’d find someone else.”

“The day you give up on me, I’ll give up on you. Deal?”

Jasper looks at the softness in Ryan’s expression. A willingness to move past everything and find their way back to the love they knew they knew was still there, hidden underneath a stressful, confusing year.

“I’ll never give up on you.”

The words make Ryan’s face brighten. “Guess I’m stuck with you, then.”

“Sorry about that.”

“I’m not.” Ryan shrugs.

“I’m sorry I fucked up.”

“Marriage isn’t about giving up on each other when you fuck up. It’s about looking past the fuck-up, at the person and being able to think ‘I know them well enough to understand why this happened’. All year I’ve seen you show that you’re not feeling sure about yourself and your life and that this change has been massive. I should’ve known when we gave her Blake’s name that you’d be afraid of loving someone you might lose all over again. I understand why you ordered the tests.”

Jasper tears up instantly at the thought. It’d been in the back of his mind, sure. But he’d never even let his thoughts admit it.

“You’ve worked through a lot and you’ve surprised me with strength. Even in your moments of weakness, you’ve faced them with that perseverance to prove you are strong enough to cope with anything. Tonight, I saw Elliot offer you a drink after trying to undermine your confidence, and I could see you were struggling, but you didn’t have a single sip. I’m proud of that.”

“I didn’t even want to drink it. I wanted to throw it in his smug pretty face.” Jasper replies bitterly.

“There‘s the Jasper I know and love,” Ryan smirks.

“You say that now, but you were right. I do enjoy the drama. I wish I didn’t, but...”

“I know. You’re absolutely an attention whore with an attitude like you have nothing to prove, while constantly trying to prove yourself.”

“I’m the worst,” Jasper sighs.

Ryan lifts his chin, looking into his eyes. “That’s not how I see you at all. I knew what I was getting into when I proposed the first time. You know what I was thinking when I walked that beach and committed my life to you?”

“I’m going to regret this later?” Jasper suggests cynically.

“No. I was thinking: ‘this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’. And I stand by that. I love you regardless of the hard times. Even when I hate you, I love you. I knew that I was marrying someone who needs the spotlight. Thrives in the drama. Enjoys the bad almost as much as the good. You’ve always been that way and I’ve always loved you despite it. Sometimes I even love you because of it. As much as it does get to me at times, that attitude is something I loved about you when we first met. When you knew your worth and flaunted it unapologetically, dared people to treat you as less. That attitude was fun. You tore down the people that tried to tarnish your shine. I think that’s the difference in the way you treat people now. You’re fighting people that are already so far from where you are that it doesn’t prove anything. You need to get back out there and be that annoyingly confident person again. You’re losing yourself here. Stuck at home.”

“I love being with you guys, though.”

“Exactly. You love us. You don’t love this. This domestic stay-at-home dad thing...”

“I love being Jazzy’s dad. That baby is my world.”

“Your world is so much bigger than us, and that’s okay. Listen.” Ryan looks deep into his eyes. “You can be a great dad without giving up yourself. We’re always going to be here supporting you. Jazzy needs happy parents who can show her how to chase her dreams. So, you go and you supervise the building of your orphanage overseas, then you come home and record some music, do ridiculously over the top photo shoots and promote yourself like you never fell off that pedestal. Because ironically, the more you’re playing that role of an untouchable pop-star, the more genuinely happy you are. And that’s all I want to see. I want to see you genuinely happy again. You sacrificed a lot for us this year and I appreciate that. But having a family was my goal, not yours. It’s time I do the stay-at-home dad thing and you go and antagonise the media and rile up crowds. That’s the life you deserve and I never should have expected you to just drop it all. I want to watch people crying with excitement while you perform, and I want to watch you smirking behind your phone as you destroy some lazy media article with a bunch of well-articulated tweets. I don’t know what I’ll do next, but I know you belong on the stage, in the spotlight.”

Jasper opens his mouth to argue but Ryan’s lips silence him with a sweet kiss before he gets the chance. With his arms wrapped around Jasper, Ryan pulls him away from Jasmyn, kissing him more passionately as he pins him against the bed.

“Ry, I appreciate the forgiveness and that you probably want to celebrate after your show, but Jazzy’s right there.”

“Sleeping.” Ryan shrugs. He and Jasper look at each other for a few silent moments in consideration, then both shake their heads. “No.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’ll put her to bed.”

“No, let me. I need all the cuddle time I can get.” Jasper sighs, nudging Ryan off him and climbing off the bed. Ryan watches him delicately pick their daughter up and carry her out of the room.

He’s barely gone for more than a few seconds before Ryan follows to Jasmyn’s room and sees Jasper standing beside the cot, eyes closed and rocking gently as he cuddles his precious baby. With an affectionate smile, Ryan walks over behind him, wraps his arms around his waist and kisses his shoulder.

“You can bring her back to our bed. We have forever to enjoy our time together. These moments are the ones that we should cherish,” he whispers.

“Thank you,” Jasper nods and turns his head for a soft, loving kiss.

*** 

Jasmyn manages to take up an insane amount of the bed, leaving neither Jasper or Ryan with much sleep at all. Not that they regretted it at all. Waking up to find their baby snuggling into them was sweet. Not to mention the smile on her little face when she finally woke up and realised she had her daddies on either side of her.

It’s a shrieked giggle and a drooly open-mouthed kiss that pulls Jasper from the only good hour of sleep he’d gotten. He wipes the drool away and brings her in for a cuddle while she wriggles to get away.

Ryan’s awoken to the peace shattering ring of his phone that he slaps onto the floor in his half-awake state, reluctantly forced out of bed to answer it.

Jasper checks the time and the acceptance that it’s only hours until he has to leave these two for a couple of months, pulls at every heartstring. Especially because Jazzy is completely unaware and still trying to fight her way out of his arms. He picks her up and heads out of the room, down to make her a bottle. Hoping at least she’d let him hold her while she fed. Yes, he was bribing her with food for a cuddle.

Ryan comes down, rubbing his eyes and shuffling his feet, looking like his first night of interrupted sleep had hit him like a freight train. Jasper has no pity for it since he’d been the one doing all the sleepless nights since her birth. In fact, he’s amused to see how exhausted Ryan is.

“That was the real estate,” Ryan mumbles through a yawn.

“Oh?”

“Someone’s put an offer on the house.”

“A decent offer?”

“It's well above the asking price we set.”

“Did you accept it?”

“I said I’d talk to you first.” Ryan walks over, sitting on the couch beside Jasper and Jasmyn. “I know better than to buy a house without your input again. With what they are offering, we’d be able to look at buying something more appropriate for our needs. Get ourselves properly set up.” Ryan smiles at Jasper as he speaks, knowing how much of a relief it’d be for them. Not just so Jasper’s piano wouldn’t live in the middle of the lounge room, but so he could have his recording space and actually focus on working towards that qualification. “What do you think? Fresh start to get things back on track when you return?”