The Next Stage - 34. Hope and Luck

“Beth, I don’t see the second line. I’m sorry.” Jasper wishes he could, so badly. Because he remembers how much this part hurts. How all the anticipation and hope could drain so fast you don’t know how to function. But he’s looked at it from every angle and even taken a photo and used a filter to switch the colors to negative in the hopes that would show if there was a faint line, just like Grace had done for every pregnancy test their hearts were broken by. This part is the worst.

“I’m late though. And I’m never late.” Beth argues, snatching the test from Jasper and scrutinizing it.

“Maybe it’s too early to show?” Ryan suggests and Jasper gives him a look as if to say, “I’m disappointed, too.” They don’t hold the glance for more than a second, neither of them able to look at the other without feeling like they were reliving their own emotionally draining journey to parenthood.

“I swear I’m pregnant. I had a dream the other night that I was, and this morning my tea tasted weird and... I know this is insane, but I can just tell.”

“How many days late are you?” Jasper asks.

“Two.”

“Why don’t you wait until you’re a week late? Then try again?” Jasper suggests.

“I want to know now!” Beth sighs and walks off to the couch, flopping down onto it and groaning into a pillow. Jasper puts the test down and goes over to Ryan, hugging him. It’s not their disappointment this time, but it still hurts to see her going through what they did.

**** 

Jasper is lucky to be able to put the morning out of his mind, meeting Luke at the studio to work on their upcoming duet album. Getting back in the swing of song writing, collaborating, planning and recording is had been a struggle, but luckily Mark was extremely patient and supportive of them being back at work. He even helped Jasper work on a bit of the recording process by letting him sit at the desk and play around with all the dials and buttons while Luke is singing. At first Jasper is absolutely just having fun, but soon enough he’s actually mixing sounds and effects like he’d been learning and the outcome isn’t too bad! Luke is even surprised at the recording mix Jasper makes and Mark seems pleased to have not had to do anything but sit back and watch.

“You’re a natural with this.” Mark smiles encouragingly. “Now get in there and let's see if I can do any better with your mix, or if you're replacing me,” he says, nudging Jasper to get out of his chair.

Jasper practically floats into the recording booth and feels strangely euphoric as he places the headphones over his ears and takes his place before the microphone. From there, everything flows like he’d never taken a day off work. He couldn’t wait to do this in his own studio back at home.

Jasper and Luke work surprisingly well together now that they are meeting on a level of maturity that had kept them from ever becoming close friends back during the days of the band. These days, though, and especially here in the studio where they once stood as five, it’s comforting to be able to step back into the past with Luke.

Also stepping into the past is Leo. Who Jasper had arranged to catch up with in the afternoon, only to be introduced to the Australian guy that broke his heart.

“I am so sorry. I forgot we made plans. This is Kevin.” Leo smiles as he leads Jasper over to a table where a truly beautiful looking young man sits. Leo is such a sucker for pain it’s obvious he’s going to get his heart broken all over again because he already looks completely invested.

“Hey! Wow, it’s insane that I’m meeting you.” Kevin beams.

Jasper tries not to let his doubt show, but this guy looks like a walking Instagram filter, not a real person. Every aspect of his appearance is tweaked to perfection and his smile exudes a charm that is hard to not find utterly adorable.

“Hi. What brings you to the states?” Jasper asks.

“Oh, I’m only here for three months, filming.” Kevin extends a hand to shake Jasper’s. His hands are incredibly soft, which goes with his whole demeanor.

“That’s awesome. What are you filming?” Jasper asks, remaining as casual and polite as he can.

“Babe, have you not told him what I do?” Kevin turns to Leo with an adorable pout that Jasper almost scoffs at, but he controls himself. “Are you ashamed of me or something? Don’t want your friends to know?” he says in a flirty tone.

“I take the confidentiality of my clients pretty seriously.” Leo answers with a wink.

Kevin looks at him with a testing smile, then sighs. “Good save. I’ll let you have that.” He turns his attention back to Jasper. “I’m a porn parody actor.”

Suddenly the cutesy overacting makes sense.

“Oh.” Jasper answers, feeling dumb for not knowing what else to say to that. He’s a fun combination of shocked and not surprised at all that Leo has fallen in love with a literal porn star. Very on brand for him.

“Yeah so, I roleplay characters in sexual scenes, usually. But this show I’m filming is kinda a porn parody of Big Brother, but it’s all gay porn stars. It should be a lot of fun.”

None of Jasper’s brain is computing what he’s hearing, so all he manages to say is, “right.”

There’s an awkward pause between the three of them as Kevin seems to deflate a little at the responses, leaving Jasper to feel guilty for how unprepared he is for a conversation about porn in the middle of a lovely little café.

“Sorry, I’m trying to think of what is appropriate to ask.” Jasper states.

“Anything. I’m not, like, embarrassed about any of it. Obviously.”

“So, are you just role playing or are you actually going on a show that is going to coincidentally be full of porn stars?”

“It’s a legit show! Except it’ll only be watchable on OnlyFans and having sex with the housemates is encouraged. There’ll be cameras everywhere. There are set scenes that we have to film in certain combinations of people, so those scenes will be professionally shot in one of the hook-up rooms and uploaded separately in a higher paywall as ‘exclusive content’. I’ve got, like, four scenes already lined up to film with different housemates and that’s before I even get in and get to make natural connections with people.”

Jasper is just nodding and wishing he had literally anything to contribute because Kevin seems genuinely enthusiastic to talk about it.

“Is it... Weird? With all the cameras and stuff? How do you act natural with all that going on?”

“You get used to it. I’m not really a shy person, so I don’t find it that weird anymore.”

“You’d have to be a confident person to have a job like that. So open I mean. Not like in a bad way. Just, I know what I’m trying to say, but it’s not coming out right when I open my mouth.” Jasper grimaces.

“It’s fine. I get that reaction a lot. Leo can link you to the account if you’re interested. Just don’t judge me on it, alright? Because my part on the show is to be the ‘player’ that makes all the guys fall in love and fight over me, but that’s not who I am in real life.”

“I don’t judge people for the work they do, only the way they treat the people I care about.” Jasper states more bluntly than intended. There’s a silence and Kevin gives a glance at Leo with a regretful smile. Absolutely crushed by the tension, Jasper tries to lighten the conversation again. “I wouldn’t think a house full of sex workers that know their job is to record good scenes would be prone to falling in love.” Jasper frowns, though genuinely curious at this point.

“Normally, absolutely not. It’s really unprofessional because we’re basically co-workers. But trapped in a house for months with no contact with the outside world, people really do look for someone they are compatible with. That’s just human nature. We’re all looking for our perfect other half, right?” Kevin says, this time he glances at Leo with clear excitement in his smile. Jasper stares at the exchange, hoping to hell this guy isn’t playing his friend right now because that seemed very much like a hint and it looks like it’s a hint Leo caught too. "Anyway, I should get going. Thanks so much for picking me up from the airport.” Kevin says, turning to Leo and kissing him sweetly on the lips.

Jasper has never seen Leo smile like this. It’s as if his entire face is trying to tell this man he’s completely enamored. “No problem. I’m glad you thought of me. It’s been nice to catch up.”

“I’ll text you when I’m off work and we can organize something before I go home.” Kevin says before turning back to Jasper. “Super nice to meet you, Jasper.”

“Yeah, you too. Good luck with the show.” Jasper waves and watches the way Leo’s eyes follow Kevin until he’s completely out of view. He turns back with a wistful sigh.

“Sorry, I know we made plans, but he texted from the airport and...”

“That’s the guy you were head over heels, devastatingly heartbroken over?” Jasper asks.

“Mm, I was just starting to get over him, but now. Ugh.” Leo covers his face with his hands.

“He’s cute. Visually, I get it.” Jasper shrugs.

“He’s really fun too. If you spent time with him, I think you’d like him. He’s just absolute perfection.”

“Leo.”

“Mm-hm?”

“When you worked for him, what were you doing?”

“Same thing I did for you. Take him to appointments, make sure he had all the things he needed, take him to and from jobs.” Leo shrugs.

“Oh come on, you weren’t in a strictly professional working relationship.” Jasper rolls his eyes.

“Well, no. There were perks.”

“Ok. And you don’t mind his work? Because you guys just kissed like a married couple and he’s off for a three-month long sex show with other men.”

“I know. I love it.”

“When you look to your future, you see yourself kissing him goodbye in the morning and going about your job all day while his job is having sex with other people, and then he’ll come home and you guys will like, cook dinner together and you’ll gossip about the bitchy celebrities you’ve been working for and he’ll bitch about the guy from work that keeps grabbing his ass when it’s not his scene. Is that what you’re seeing for yourself?” Jasper asks.

“God, that sounds good.” Leo says with a genuinely hopeful smile on his face at the thought.

“Ok. Just checking. What if when he gets home, he’s all sexed out and you end up with nothing?”

“Oh, I’d have another partner that fulfills that part if he’s not available for it.” Leo shrugs.

“Cool. As long as you know what you want. What ended up happening with your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, that didn’t work out. She decided she was all for me being into guys and that she wanted to bring another guy over for a threesome. It was awesome right up until I let the guy top me. Then she got really uncomfortable and said she couldn’t date ‘someone like that’.” Leo sighs.

“Why is it all your threesomes seem to end with someone getting dumped?” Jasper asks lightheartedly and Leo laughs.

“See, with Kevin it’d be fine. He really is a great guy. I feel like you aren’t sure because of his job...”

“It’s got nothing to do with the job. I’m just wary that last time ended badly, and it seems like he asked you to pick him up from the airport because he knows you and you’ve taken that as the door being re-opened for a second chance relationship.”

“You’re really just shitting on all my relationships.” Leo sighs.

“I'll stop shitting on them when you find a healthy one that makes you happy without you having to hide or compromise yourself.”

Leo looks at him for a long contemplative time. “It must be really nice to marry the first guy you ever kissed. What’s it like being part of the miniscule percent of people that just luck their way into finding a soul mate? Building a dream home beachfront mini mansion with a studio attached?”

“Don’t act like you’re jealous. My dream life is like a prison for you. Locked down with the first guy you ever kissed. Sex with the same person your entire life.”

Leo grimaces at the thought.

“Exactly.”

“I really like Kevin.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Is he a good actor?” Jasper asks.

“Do you wanna see some of his videos?”

Jasper stares back for a few moments before giving a shrug. “Not in the middle of a café. Link me some stuff later. And for the record, it’s only because I want to see if he acts like that all the time.”

“Acts like what?”

“Like he’s.... into you.”

“You noticed that too!” Leo grins.

“There was a vibe. But he is an actor, so it’s hard to tell if it was real.”

“He’s an extremely cheesy porn actor, not an Oscar winning Hollywood celebrity. I think he likes me.”

“I think he likes you. I just don’t want to see you heartbroken because he likes you when he needs you for something,” Jasper shrugs.

“Oh no. A man that uses me for convenience and is incredible in bed and sometimes just kisses me because he’s bored. What a nightmare.” Leo says sarcastically. “You underestimate my kinks.”

Jasper laughs. “Really? I’d have thought you want to dom someone that cute.”

“You haven’t lived until you’ve been topped by a bottom twink that gets playfully bossy at the thought of taking charge. He’s a different kind of fun. I’m 100% a simp sub for Kevin.”

“Okay, we’re going to have to leave before someone makes a complaint about our table.”

**** 

Dinner with Beth is rough. She’d taken another pregnancy test that came back negative, but gone to get a blood test anyway. It makes for an uncomfortably quiet dinner that becomes so draining that Jasper reaches for Ryan’s hand under the table. This took them both right back to the nights where their disappointment crushed them so much more. Where they would lay together in silence, holding hands and wishing they wouldn’t have to feel this way ever again. The memory is unwelcome and Jasper is surprised by how raw it manages to feel even with their daughter in the high chair beside them babbling her way through the entire meal.

Jasper and Ryan hadn’t really talked yet about not having more kids. Despite never being alone in his childhood, Jasper couldn’t see himself and Ryan going through surrogacy again. It was beautiful to have a biological child, but the struggles were hard to imagine going through again. Besides, Jasmyn is growing up. Sure, she’s still not walking or saying words, but she’s not a baby anymore. Even if another child was in the plans, they would have at least 3 years between them. And going back through the baby stage when you’ve just finally gotten through the terrible twos, and your child has finished cutting all their teeth and maybe even been toilet trained, just isn’t something Jasper wants to go through.

The next morning, Beth is holding back tears as she throws yet another negative test in the bin.

“I feel pregnant. In my heart I feel like I am,” she says as Jasper wraps his arms around her wordlessly. “You probably think I’m crazy.”

“I don’t. I think you’re tormenting yourself, though. You had a blood test. Wait for those results and then we’ll know for sure if the tests are lying.”

Ryan rubs her back and kisses her cheek. “My mom is happy to babysit if you’d rather not today. We completely understand.”

“No, I love spending time with Jazzy. Plus, it’ll make the day go faster. I’ll call this afternoon and see if the blood results are in. They said 24 to 48 hours.” Beth sighs. “You guys go and get that house sorted so I can kick you out and set up a nursery for myself.”

**** 

Ryan walks into Jasmyn’s bedroom in an old shirt and pants, ready to paint and thrilled that he and Jasper are doing this together. But Jasper has a very different idea of painting attire. He’s standing there in nothing but a jockstrap and look on his face like he’s about to make painting this house absolute torture.

“If you don’t stay behind me the entire time we’re painting, this is not getting done.” Ryan tells him, walking over and taking a paintbrush from the tray.

“I was thinking of climbing up the ladder and doing all the high parts.” Jasper shrugs, crossing his arms and watching Ryan try to hold it together. “That or crawl along the floor painting the skirting boards,” he shrugs, with an innocent pout.

“It’s been a while since you made me hate you like this.” Ryan sighs, running the soft paintbrush over his husband’s exposed ass.

“Babe, not in our daughter’s room.” Jasper fake complaints like this is all Ryan’s doing.

“Put some pants on, please.” Ryan insists.

“No.” Jasper turns around, bends to dip his paintbrush in the tin, then moves to the ladder against the wall and climbs it to start painting.

Ryan gives a frustrated groan and turns away. “You’re cruel.”

Cruel is an understatement, considering the moment they are finished with the first coat of paint, Jasper pulls on his pants and a shirt then announces he’s going out to buy décor for the room.

“I absolutely hate you.” Ryan calls out as Jasper heads to the door. The only reply he gets is a smile Jasper casts over his shoulder that makes Ryan feel completely powerless. He sighs heavily and follows Jasper out.

“Are you coming with me?” Jasper asks with purposeful emphasis.

Ryan ignores it and just gets in the car. “I like the idea of us decorating her room together.”

“Good, you can stop me from going overboard.” Jasper smiles, slipping into the driver's seat and starting the car.

“You think I’m going to stop you going overboard? I’m only here, so you don’t spoil her on your own.”

“I love you.” Jasper says, leaning over and kissing Ryan softly.

**** 

While Jasmyn’s room is full of everything she could ever need and then all the extra luxuries her parents couldn’t stop each other buying, Jasper and Ryan’s bedroom is still bare walls and nothing more than an air mattress on the floor. Added to that, the electricity has not been turned on and, of course, it’s only once the sunlight fades away that they find that out.

“We can go back to Beth’s.” Ryan suggests.

“No, she needs some space. Plus, we’ll be fine, won’t we Jazzy?” Jasper smiles over at his daughter, who is helping herself to the seafood basket. A chip getting mushed up in one hand and a crumbed prawn in the other that she is chewing on.

Ryan luckily has a bazillion candles tucked away, so he gets to work setting them along the benches in the kitchen and on every surface that is out of Jasmyn’s reach, while Jasper stands at the glass doors, looking out towards the ocean.

“You ok?” Ryan asks, back hugging Jasper and kissing his neck.

“I feel weird.” Jasper says then turns around in Ryan’s arms.

“Weird how?” Ryan asks.

“Like I don’t normally feel a manic drop coming, but for some reason I’m feeling really just... Full of some kind of anxious dread. I have no idea why.”

Ryan frowns and hugs him a little tighter. “Did you take your medications?”

“Yeah, I’ve been fine up until just now.”

“You’re ok. Maybe it’s because of Beth. I know I’ve been feeling really helpless watching her go through this.” Ryan suggests.

“Yeah maybe.” Jasper sighs.

“I’ll get you some water.” Ryan says, letting Jasper go and heading into the kitchen.

“I’ll be back.” Jasper walks towards Jasmyn’s room with an urge to cuddle her, almost causing his eyes to sting with tears. “Ry, I think it’s a panic attack,” he calls out.

“What’s triggered it?”

Jasper doesn’t reply, freezing as he sees Jasmyn on the ground, struggling so much to breathe that she isn’t even making noise.

“RY! Fuck! It’s Jazzy! RY!” Jasper screams out down the hall as he drops to his knees and lifts Jasmyn from the floor. He holds her to his shoulder, patting her back to try and help her breath. He hears Ryan’s footsteps well before his voice and even then, he can’t hear what is being said. His mind too scrambled with panic. “Call an ambulance! Jasmyn’s not breathing properly.” Ryan drops to his knees beside Jasper, pulling his phone out and willing his shaky hands not to fumble with the phone. The struggle from the weak little body in his arms stops and Jasper quickly lies Jasmyn on the floor before him. Her lips are blue and the space at the base of her neck between her collar bones is sunken in. Ryan is on the phone, but again Jasper’s barely aware of what is being said. He opens her mouth and sees nothing, so he leans down and presses his lips over her mouth and nose, breathing into her mouth in the desperate hope that it is doing something to help.

He’s dizzy and lightheaded before an ambulance arrives, but even then he doesn’t stop giving her breaths until one of the paramedics physically pulls him back, trying to explain to him what is happening but his mind is racing with all the worst things it can think of.

Luckily, Ryan seems to be able to talk, and it’s barely moments later that the paramedic holding Jasper back finally says something Jasper’s ears don’t block out.

“She’s stable.” The words release Jasper from his tense panic and he turns to Ryan, who grabs him and pulls him into a tight, tearful hug while the paramedics put an oxygen mask on her. They follow out to the ambulance and Ryan kisses Jasper goodbye as Jasper is invited into the ambulance.

“I’ll be right behind you. Take care of our girl.” Ryan says as the doors close.

The entire way there, while Jasper is in a state of shock and worried about Jasmyn, the paramedic in the back is monitoring him and asking if he’s ok. Everything was feeling like a daze and he doesn’t quite know how he ends up with an oxygen mask on too, but by the time he arrives, he’s wearing one and feeling a little more at ease.

They are set up in a pediatric room with a clear plastic cot and a single recliner chair. Jasmyn is extremely energetic in the cot, which is a huge comfort for Ryan to walk in and see.

The doctor comes into the room, reading through the paramedics' notes and the first nursing assessment that’d been done, then gives a kind a reassuring smile.

“Sounds like you’ve had a bit of a fright tonight.”

Jasper and Ryan both nod, feeling almost like this doctor is way too calm about what had just happened.

“Which one of you found her?”

“He did.” Ryan answers.

“Well done. The rescue breaths you gave may have saved her life. Did they explain what happened?” The doctor asks.

“Anaphylaxis.” Ryan replies. Jasper looks at him, wishing he’d not shut out all the surrounding voices during his panic.

“Yes. It’s a severe allergic reaction that causes swelling of the airways, which is, of course, why she wasn’t able to breathe on her own. The breaths helped to keep her alive and the paramedics administered adrenaline to counteract the symptoms. She’s likely to be awake for a long time now. That’s unfortunately a side effect of the adrenaline. You say she’s not had shellfish before and was eating that tonight, is that correct?”

“Yes. Do you think it’s a seafood allergy?” Ryan asks while Jasper just stands back pale and staring at Jasmyn, who is so full of energy it’s almost impossible to think she’s the same person that only what feels like minutes ago, was unconscious in his arms.

“That could be. We will have to run tests to determine exactly what caused her severe reaction.” the doctor nods, making some notes. “We’ll keep her in at least overnight. We’ll have to monitor her response to the adrenaline and ensure that her symptoms do subside.”

“I’m staying with her.” Jasper finally speaks.

“We don’t have any beds...”

“I won’t sleep.”

Ryan glances at Jasper, reaching a hand out for him. “Jas...”

“I’m staying here. You can’t make me leave her here.” Jasper starts arguing, taking deep breaths.

“Jas.” Ryan holds Jasper by the shoulders. “She’s in the right place if anything goes wrong. You have to trust them.”

“I need to be here,” Jasper insists. Ryan opens his mouth to argue, but Jasper cuts him off. “Blake.”

Ryan tilts his head back and closes his eyes. “That was different.”

“I left him in the hospital, Ry. I trusted he’d be safe. I’m staying here and I will watch her breathe and count her every breath. I’m not leaving here without her.”

“I’ll head home and get some things for you.” Ryan says, hugging Jasper’s shaking body and kissing his forehead.

“Thank you.” Jasper sniffles back tears, trying to stay strong.

“You look after her for me until I get back. I love you.” Ryan says, kissing Jasper softly on the lips before hugging him tight again.

**** 

Jasper gets no sleep through the night. It’s well past 2am before Jasmyn finally settles and every time Jasper starts drifting off to sleep, another nurse comes in to do a check of Jasmyn’s vital signs. It’s a struggle to leave Jasmyn in her cot when all Jasper wants is to cuddle her and feel her chest rising and falling consistently.

When they are discharged the next day, it feels wrong. Like they are just taking their child home after such a near tragedy. Jasper was glad to be out and able to hold her all he likes, but he also wanted another few days of monitoring, not just ‘follow up with your regular doctor and schedule an appointment for an allergy risk test’.

Jasper drifts off to sleep on their bed back at Beth’s, with Jasmyn also passed out chest to chest with him. Ryan’s fingers brush soothingly over Jasper’s forehead, his other hand on Jasmyn’s back, needing to feel her breathing too as he closes his eyes.

Jasper wakes up first, and despite wanting to hold Jasmyn forever, he kisses her and shifts her into Ryan’s arms so he can go to the bathroom and get himself a drink at least. In the kitchen, Beth’s phone is playing on-hold music while she is tidying up. As soon as she sees him, she gives him a hug and offers to make him a cup of tea.

“Did you get some sleep?” she asks.

“Kinda.”

“She’ll be okay now, right? As long as she doesn’t eat shellfish ever again?”

“Yeah.” Jasper shrugs. “Thanks,” he mutters as Beth places a mug of tea in front of him.

“Elizabeth, are you still there?” a voice asks over the phone.

Beth races back to it. “Yes, I’m still here.”

“Well, your blood test results are in and I have to congratulate you because you’re pregnant! Now, when would you like to make an appointment to come in and organize your first ultrasound?” Beth looks over at Jasper, who is staring at her, absolutely floored. He needed something positive to pull him out of last night's catastrophe.

“Are you serious?” Is all Beth can ask.

“Oh my god Beth!” Jasper is up and in front of her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and placing the other hand on her stomach. “Holy shit! You’re having a baby! You’re gonna be a mom!” he says through tears.

“You’re definitely sure?” Beth asks, unable to believe her own luck.

“By the looks of the HGC levels, you’re very early, but certainly in gestation. Congratulations. Are you available next week to come in and see your doctor? He’ll want to organize a dating scan so he can give you a proper estimate of how far along you are and how long you have to get ready for the baby.”

“Yes, whenever the next available appointment is, book me in! Oh my god. I’m going to be a mom!”

“You’re gonna be a mom!” Jasper gives her another hug. “You’re having a baby Blake!”