The Next Stage - 22. Closed Doors

Ryan is the first awake for once, and it’s refreshing to roll over and see Jasper still in bed beside him. He enjoys a moment to just take in the sight of Jasper. They’d had a long emotional night. Jasper had been very vulnerable, which he never coped well with. They’d at least had the night alone together. It’d been a nice night, actually. Given how busy and occupied they had been lately; they were way overdue for a night to focus on each other and reconnect emotionally. Ryan realised he’d failed to be attentive for too long.

Even as the one that deserved all the love and kindness, Jasper kept asking if Ryan was ok. He was fidgety and uncomfortable right up until Ryan finally stopped trying to do anything else. Jasper had been nervous talking for the entire time Ryan attempted to cook dinner and Ryan had to stop everything just to shut him up with a kiss for long enough to derail the train of thought Jasper seemed stuck on. He managed to finish cooking with one arm around Jasper the entire time.

It had not been anywhere near the right timing for anything more intimate, though being so close to Jasper with no interruptions seemed really reminded him just how much he missed Jasper. He missed having time to waste just holding him and kissing him. That was something he intended to do all day.

But looking at how calm and peaceful Jasper looked, Ryan had no intention of waking him up early. It’d been forever since Jasper got a sleep-in. With that in mind, Ryan slips out of bed as quietly as he can and makes his way downstairs to make him a tea. He liked the idea of Jasper being able to enjoy one more cup while it’s still hot before Jasmyn got home and kept him so busy, he’d end up reheating it a few times and inevitably tipping it down the sink in defeat.

While he waits for the water to boil, Ryan opens the curtains around the house to let some light in. When he gets to the front windows, however, he pulls them closed again just as fast.

With a sigh, he heads upstairs, going to the bed and kissing Jasper on the shoulder, neck, cheek and finally lips to wake him. Jasper sighs and wraps an arm over Ryan, pulling him down and kissing him sleepily.

He breaks the kiss and sits up in a panic, looking around the room.

“She’s at mum’s.” Ryan tells him, running his fingers down Jasper’s back.

“What’s the time?” Jasper mumbles, lying back down and covering his eyes.

“Almost 9.” Ryan smiles.

“What time do we have to pick her up?”

“Probably not anytime soon. Who knows, we might have a full day without the baby home. What do people without kids do all day?”

"Fucks me.” Jasper shrugs, rubbing his eyes.

Ryan smiles. “Mm. Now that you mention it, that does sound like something people without kids do all day,” he says, lowering his voice. “However, there’s like 30 people out the front of our house with cameras so...”

“Are you fucking serious?” Jasper is wide awake now. “Literally, that whole court case thing was about me having the right to privacy and... Fuck them.” Jasper pulls the sheets back and gets out of bed, storming off into the bathroom.

“Babe,” Ryan follows him in. “What are you doing?”

“Getting camera ready.” Jasper states, throwing his clothes in the washing basket and stepping into the shower.

“You don’t have to address them.”

“Oh, I’m not planning on it. Don’t worry.” Jasper underestimates just how worried one statement could make him.

*** 

Jasper, wearing just a pair of sweatpants, throws open the curtains to his front lawn. He acts like he hasn’t even noticed the people there, turning and walking away again. Moments later, he returns with a tripod, setting it up in front of the window, fixing some lighting and then he sets up his phone to live stream on his Instagram.

“Hey guys, it’s been a long time, but I just wanted to jump on and have a chat. As you can see, I have some new lawn ornaments. I get the feeling I’m about to have my address broadcasted so you might as well admire the view with me.” Jasper smiles, pulling up a seat and looking off camera as Ryan walks over with a cup of tea for him.

“Morning babe.”

“I’m livestreaming.” Jasper states, surprised that Ryan is involving himself in this. Ryan ignores the camera.

“That’s unfortunate,” he says, setting the tea on the table beside Jasper, then leaning in and kissing his neck slowly. Jasper relaxes his head back, melting into the softness of Ryan’s lips. “I better leave you to it.” Ryan whispers, stepping back, but Jasper grabs him by the shirt, pulling him back and kissing him lovingly on the lips.

“Give me like, 10 minutes.” Jasper orders.

“Oh, I’m going to give you more than that.”

“Thank you for the tea. Now go away before my account gets flagged as inappropriate.” Jasper laughs, pushing Ryan playfully. Ryan grins to himself, walking out of view, proud of himself for what he knew that would have done for Jasper’s stream. Jasper sips at his drink and sighs. “Ooh, that was hot. The tea I mean. Though, the husband too.” He shrugs. “Anyway, I came on here to say, yesterday I put myself in a situation that was incredibly difficult and I know so many of you are eager for details about that. I can say I came out of it with the result I wanted, but also with a lot of reopened wounds. The article has been revoked and the person in question has removed social media, which I think is good for now. However, I do have to ask my fans not to interfere with people like that in the future. I love and appreciate you all, and the support and defence you always give me does not go unnoticed. But we’re all people on here and life is complicated for everyone. I’ll never forgive or justify someone’s shitty actions, but I’ll always defend people's rights to not be harassed and bullied. I live that life myself; I know how hard it can be to keep going. At the end of the day, we’re responsible for our own choices and mistakes. I know the details will soon start coming out and I want you all to remember when you’re reading the personal details that were regarded in the case, that those times for me were very flawed and my pain and struggle hurt a lot of people that loved me. My downfall was and continues to be very public, and that’s taxing on myself and my family. I’m extremely lucky every second that I have such a great partner to be in this journey with me, and I’m grateful to no longer be the person that is talked about in the court case. Anyway, I just wanted to say all of that and show you what I got to wake up to this morning because this is how private my life gets to be and it sucks. I love you all. Have a great day.” Jasper smiles, leaning forward and stopping the live stream, though he turns on his camera and leaves it recording out his window back at the media so they can know what it’s like to be watched.

“Is this an episode?” Ryan asks when Jasper gets to their bedroom, where Ryan was lying on the bed watching Jasper’s livestream.

“Probably.” Jasper shrugs, lying down beside him on the bed. “Is this the part where you tell me to take my meds?”

“I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m here to support you in being your best in whatever way you choose to do that.” Ryan replies, turning his head to look beside himself at his husband, who stares contemplatively at the ceiling.

“I don’t want to. I’m not that bad, am I?”

“Well, you’re certainly not having a ‘low’. You seem happy.” Ryan shrugs. “I’m not in your head, though. As long as you feel ok, I guess.”

“Is it bad that I like the highs?” Jasper sighs, closing his eyes. “I’ve got all this adrenaline and I feel like things are unpredictable and I can do anything. Normally, this is when I get productive.”

“Oh, so that’s why the house is always so clean.” Ryan jokes.

“There’s a bright side to everything.”

“Like the fact we’ll have to move houses now that the media knows where we live?”

“How is that a bright side?”

“You don’t like this house.”

“Good point. Are we at the buying-an-ostentatious-mansion stage of our lives yet? Or do you think we should build a dream home instead? I’m thinking something underground where the media can’t find us.” Jasper turns to Ryan with a grin.

“What about an underground mansion?”

Jasper laughs at the suggestion. “You’re a genius. When are we getting our baby back? I miss her.”

“Want me to go and get her? You distract the media so I can leave?”

A devious grin crosses Jasper’s face at the suggestion. “Distracting the media is one of my favourite things to do.”

“Within reason.”

“Fine.” Jasper rolls his eyes. “I’ll keep my pants on.”

“You’d better, or I’ll be the one distracted.”

*** 

Jasper opens the window, sitting casually on the sill with his phone in his hand.

“Ok lets, get this over with. Spontaneous Q&A. You’ve got 2 minutes. Ask away.”

A cacophony of questions come his way all at once. Already done with this, Jasper raises a hand and rolls his eyes, then points to someone, inviting them to speak.

“Jasper, have you attended any rehab facilities?”

“If you’re looking for a recommendation, I’m the wrong person to ask. Next.”

“You’ve been quiet on social media for months. When can we expect you to break your silence and confront this latest drama?”

“I’m literally live-streaming this right now, so I guess today is your lucky day. Next.”

“I have a serious question regarding your mental health. You’ve been publicly dealing with...”

“My intention has never been to deal with my mental health issues publicly. I’d have loved a day to come down from the traumas I had to re-live yesterday, but here you all are wanting to sell my suffering to your respective companies. My mental health struggles have been made public by the media, not by me. Next.”

The questions keep coming despite his clear disinterest in answering any of them with any sincerity. He could do this all day, if not for the police turning up to clear everyone from his yard for trespassing. Jasper waves to his unwanted guests like he’s truly sorry to see them go. Part of him was. He missed the attention, even if he hated what it did to him. He still craved it. The controversy associated with his name, the freedom to be as petty or as extra as he wanted when he performed or did interviews. It was an unhealthy addiction, and one he couldn’t afford to put his family through now, but it didn’t stop him craving getting back into the spotlight. This only seemed to highlight how much he missed living that life. Being an unbreakable pop star, not someone who’s closest thing to getting his fix was replying to people online.

His fans, who had tuned into the livestream, shared his sentiment, commenting on how much they missed this side of him. He’d really lost that part of himself over the last few months. He’d not been working on music as much as he wanted to, though song ideas swelled in his mind and the need to sit down and drain them all out through his piano often became too much and frustrated him. Life had been too difficult, and he’d had to drop part of himself to focus on just functioning. Goals and hobbies, study and work, none of it was a priority, and he didn’t realise until now just how much he wasn’t living without it.

Since he had the rare time for it, he stays online to answer his fans' questions. The morning sun was refreshing. It's optomistic warmth made him feel for the first time in a while, actually inspired, especially with his fans sending supportive messages or asking about when he would be putting new work out. Jasper makes some promises about new music, knowing their excitement would keep him motivated.

He gets plenty of questions about his relationship with Ryan, worrying about how busy they were.

“You guys have no idea how busy we really are. Life has been insane. But I go to bed beside him every night and it never stops amazing me that he chose me to share a life with. I mean, let's be honest, I’m a constant drama. As it is, I only jumped on here to distract the media so he could leave the house. He could be living some happy life with a normal partner that doesn’t attract a mob of cameras at his doorstep, but for some reason, he keeps just going with all the chaos.”

Another fan asks how his mental health is. He had no problem answering this when it came from a fan. He wanted to be honest about it to them, so his fans knew it was ok to be honest about their own issues.

“I’m in a weird place because I’ve kinda never been better, but I’m also really struggling, so that makes life interesting. I’m coping though. I feel like I have a handle on my mental health.”

One fan asks if he’s going to bring back his podcast, since the livestream he was doing was in the same vein. Luckily, before Jasper gets around to answering the question, he sees Ryan’s car pull up in the driveway.

Jasper thanks his fans for joining and supporting him, then ends the stream, jumps down from the sill and closes the window, then curtains. One night away from Jazzy and he felt giddy at the anticipation of seeing her beautiful, cheeky little face. Ryan walks in, daughter in his arms that reaches out for Jasper the moment her eyes land on him.

“Hey sweetheart. Did you miss me?” Jasper asks, taking her from Ryan and kissing all over her face.

“Deedee.”

Jasper looks at Ryan with the most shocked and adoring smile. “That’s it. That’s my name. I love it. You can be daddy, I’m deedee.”

“Deedee, huh?” Ryan smiles, deciding to let Jasper take this one, though she’d been saying it practically the whole drive home. The way Jasper’s face had lit up, he clearly felt connected to the name and damned if Ryan would take away any of that happiness.

“Was she good for your mum?”

“An angel. Apparently, she slept through the night.”

“Oh, did you go over to Nana’s and show off? Why don’t you do that for me?” Jasper asks, pulling her shirt up and blowing a raspberry on her belly, causing a fit of squirmy giggles.

“Yeah, mum said she’d be more than happy to babysit again. Any time. I think she wants to steal her, actually.”

“Well, she can’t. This is my baby.”

“Deedee.” Jasmyn babbles again.

“Yeah, that’s right. You’re my baby, and I’m your deedee. End of discussion.” Jasper grins, snuggling her tight.

*** 

Ryan passes Jasmyn out of the shower to Jasper, who wraps her up in a towel. He’d had lyrics and a melody running through his mind the entire time he stood in the bathroom waiting, so he heads straight down to the piano with her before he forgets his idea.

When Ryan finishes his shower, he is drawn downstairs to the sound of a beautiful tune. The sight makes his heart ache. Jasmyn sits on Jasper's lap, occasionally smacking at the piano keys while he plays. The goofy grin and the dripping of drool whenever she hit a key were too much.

"Have you been helping deedee play piano?” Ryan asks, coming over and taking her from Jasper’s lap.

“She’s my co-writer. Every time I don’t know what to play, she hits the keys until I’m inspired or makes a noise. She’s got my talent, is what I’m saying. I mean, you don’t see her dancing around or anything, so she’s clearly all me.” Jasper smiles, playing a gentle melody as he speaks.

“Well, that’s going to make life fun in about 12 years when puberty hits her. Can’t wait to have twice as much drama in the house. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you work on music.” Ryan comments, leaning against the piano and watching with admiration as Jasper’s fingers move from key to key with such delicate intention.

“Wanna hear it? It’s far from a full song, but I think I’ve nailed the message.” Jasper says with a grin, then starts singing a slow, heartfelt ballad.

My love for your father grew a whole new heart,

The moment you came into our lives~

And I never knew how much we needed you

Until I held you and felt my whole world revive

Because every moment I see you in his arms,

It feels like I cannot breathe

And when I see his smile in your beautiful face,

I can’t explain what it does to me.

I just have one request to make,

Baby, when you fall asleep~

Please, stay that way.

Because it’s been quite some time now since I’ve gotten laid...”

Ryan face palms at the complete change of tone. He’d been verging on tears until that. Jasper laughs at Ryan’s reaction, continuing to play the heartfelt and sweet melody as though he’d not just made a sweet song about their daughter into a song about how deprived he was.

“I don’t know. I kinda lose it after that part. That’s where I lose the inspiration.” Jasper shrugs and closes the lid of the keys, rolling and massaging his left wrist.

“I think it’s the last line that’s not really fitting the theme of the song.” Ryan suggests, laughing to himself at the ridiculousness.

“Mm.” Jasper smiles and takes his phone from his pocket as it vibrates. He opens the message and his face drops.

“Babe, are you ok?” Ryan asks.

“Yeah.” Jasper breathes.

“Jas...”

“It's nothing. It’s stupid. Just.” Jasper chews his lip. “I just got a reply from Blake’s phone number saying ‘hi this is a new number. Who is this?’”

“What did you send them?” Ryan frowns. Jasper’s eyes flick up to Ryan, then back to his phone, hovering over the conversation.

“Just a text saying Jazzy said her first word.” Jasper closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m fine. It just sucks. And it felt really... I don’t know. I guess it just threw me to get a text from ‘Blake’. Even after all these years. Like a blip of hope just passed through me enough to crush me all over again.” Jasper presses and holds the conversation until the option to delete it comes up. Ryan puts Jasmyn down and sits on the piano seat, wrapping his arms around Jasper’s waist.

“I’m sorry. I know texting him was helping.”

“Yeah.” Jasper sighs, deleting the conversation, then turning in the seat to hug Ryan. “In a way, it feels good to let that go.”

“Oh?”

“I just want to live this life now. No more looking back. I wasn’t going to ever truly leave that pain behind while there was a door to it left open. Now it’s closed.” Jasper gets up from the seat and walks numbly towards the stairs.

Ryan scoops up Jasmyn and follows him silently to the bedroom where he watches Jasper take his medications from the cupboard, popping one in his mouth and swallowing it. Jasper turns back to Ryan with a shrug. Ryan walks over, wrapping his arms around him in a strong, loving and proud embrace.

“I love you.” Ryan tells him, lifting Jasper’s chin and kissing him softly. Jasper melts into the moment, enjoying the flood of love he could feel emulating through Ryan’s touch, keeping Jasper’s heart beating even when it felt so heavy.

A giggle breaks the moment and Jasper and Ryan look over to see what was amusing her so much.

“Is that?..”

“Oh god she’s covered in it.” Ryan lets go of Jasper, walking over to their cheeky child.

“How did she get lube?”

Ryan casts a smirk at Jasper over his shoulder. “You were meant to be putting her to bed, not playing piano.” Ryan turns back to Jasmyn, who has the bottle above her head, only drops coming out now.

“Did I cockblock myself!?” Jasper asks, mortified at his luck.

“Jazzy, ta?” Ryan holds his hand out. She hands him the depressingly empty bottle and Ryan throws it to Jasper.

“Seriously. I’m so mad.” Jasper mutters under his breath, throwing it in the bin.

“No, come back Jazzy, you need another shower.” Ryan calls out through laughter. Jasper pokes his head back out of the bathroom, watching his daughter power crawl out the doorway.

“Grab her!”

“I did.” Ryan laughs. “She slipped right through my hands."

The mood had changed to absolutely hilarious in a sentence. Jasper rushed out, watching Ryan catch and loose grip of Jasmyn, tears of laughter streaming down his face. Jasper is not even trying to help. He’s busy collapsed on the floor laughing so hard no sound is even coming out. Did he hate himself for being musically inspired the one time sex was on the cards? Yes. Did he hate Ryan for leaving lube within reach of their kid? Yes. Did he hate knowing how close he was to finally breaking this drought only to have cockblock junior pour his hopes all over herself and the carpet? Yes. But it was funny watching her evade Ryan’s grasp over and over again. Ryan pulls his shirt off, throwing it over their naked escape artist and picks her up victoriously.

“Thanks for your help.” Ryan says sarcastically as he passes Jasper on his way back to the bathroom. Jasper gets to his feet, taking one look at the happiness on Jasmyn’s face before laughing again.

“Well, that took my mind off things.” Jasper waves a hand in front of his face to help himself regain his breath. “Fuck me,” he sighs, wiping the tear of laughter from his eyes. “I needed that.”

“If you did your one job and put the baby to bed, I would have been able to give you exactly what you needed.”

Jasper pinches his nose as they get back into the bedroom, hit with the smell soaked into the carpet. “God, this room smells aggressively like missed opportunity.”