The Next Stage - 32. Home

Jasper uploads a photo of himself and Ryan kissing on the beach alongside a screenshot of them kissing in the same place from the music video. His comment reads, “A surprise holiday with the love of my life. I love coming here with you. #memories #love #RySper”

To just about anyone reading it, it’s sweet. But earlier in the day, while Jasper had been cheekily tallying notches on a tree to keep score, Ryan had made a joke that all they ever do on this island is fuck. They never took a walk to explore the area, despite the beautiful surroundings and the various suggestions in the guest book Jasper only noticed existed when he was swiping it off the coffee table before he was pressed against it under the heat of a desire fueled kiss. Ryan’s comment had led to Jasper saying they should rename it ‘Fuck Island’ and the sales pitch would be “The best place in the world to cum.”

Naturally, Ryan had almost spat out his drink as he read ‘I love coming here with you’ knowing damn well that was a reference, and they had a short and hilarious conversation about whether he should delete it and whether anyone would get the pun. Jasper promised no one would get it and didn’t tell him that within minutes he had a message from Leo saying, 'Hope you’re getting it good. 😉' One from Grace saying, ‘I see what you did there. Glad you guys are making time for each other!’ Beth hit him with, ‘I bet you’re proud of that terrible pun.’

Then, of course, there’s a flow of comments from fans that he’ll later tease for being dirty minded for sexualizing a completely innocent tweet about romance and love. Nothing could wipe the grin off his face as hundreds of sexually suggestive comments pop up. Some weird ones he isn’t keen on find their way into the mix but the overwhelming majority are either thirsting over them, operating on the same wavelength as Jasper and making innuendos that would make a nun blush and of course the predicted hate or ruin the moment concerned comments.

‘@therealJasperReid: you look so thin! Are you ok?’

Jasper got something along the lines of this a lot, with people speculating that he was on drugs and that’s why he was so rarely seen lately, or that his mental health had resulted in an eating disorder. There were an awful lot of people that seemed to be able to tell a lot about him from a picture.

Ryan hadn’t asked, so much as commented on Jasper’s lack of eating. To be honest, it was completely unintentional and purely because he’d been so busy that he’d missed a bunch of meals in a row and his stomach had shrunk to a point where a small snack seemed to be filling. Not to say he planned to gorge himself when he gets home, but he was going to actively work on increasing his appetite if for nothing else but to maintain this muscle he’d managed to build and was quite proud of.

'@RyanKurtis.Official" stop being a fucking doormat. He doesn’t deserve you.’

These comments only ever stung when he was already feeling particularly unworthy or distant from Ryan. But given Ryan couldn’t keep his hands off him and Jasper couldn’t sleep without giving some kind of appreciative speech that seemed to end in Ryan kissing him to shut him up. Jasper believed Ryan deserved better and part of him was afraid that they would both realize that when they got home and fell back into reality. Luckily for him, he was also both giving and receiving a lot of loving affirmations. Despite the jokes and the tallies, they weren’t only focused on the physical pleasure of each other’s company. There were a lot of emotional talks, loving embraces and tired ramblings of adoration that carried them in the moments where they were just relaxing. He absolutely knew, even if his brain sometimes agreed with these comments, that Ryan did not feel that way, and that was all that mattered.

'@therealJasperReid,@RyanKurtis.Official: where is your baby or was that just a publicity stunt too? You are so fake.’

Of all the things in his life that seemed to be publicity stunts, the secret child they shared for nearly a solid year before telling anyone about might just be the dumbest thing to bring up, but Jasper resisted the urge to comment back. Instead, he had a full tier list of scandals and publicity stunts and conspiracy theories involving him that he was planning to put together for his fans just to make fun of himself and the mess that media makes of his life.

‘@therealJasperReid: id paint the island in your jizz with my 10inch c0k. Sent you a messaged with a pick. Would love to see ur wh0le.

-Personal.Ass: His whole what?

-Personal.Ass: *I’d. *Cock. *Message. *Pic(ture). *Your. *Hole. If you’re trying to pick up a musician, at least be literate.

-Personal.Ass: All good love stories start with asking a stranger on the internet for a hole pic. As his PA, I’m going to have to say no to your gracious offer.

Leo’s compulsion to respond to these comments is almost always better than all the supportive comments he’d receive. Jasper likes them and keeps scrolling until Ryan reaches over and snatches his phone off him.

“I see the attention thing only lasted a few days,” he says with a knowing smile.

“That promise doesn’t start until I get home. You can’t seriously be wanting attention again right now. This is the first time I’ve looked at my phone since we arrived.”

Ryan looks at him curiously. “Liar.”

“What are you, a body language expert now?”

“I’m your body language expert.”

“Yeah, you are.” Jasper’s tone changes as he leans back on the bed.

Ryan raises an eyebrow. “You can’t seriously be wanting attention again right now,” he says with a smirk, grabbing Jasper by the ankle and pulling him closer to the end of the bed before climbing on over him.

**** 

“What’s the bet she started walking while we were away?” Jasper asks as he and Ryan board their flight home.

“Your kid would be petty enough to walk in the few days neither of her parents are home.” Ryan nudges him.

“Not sure petty is a genetic thing. It’s a learned trait I got from Blake.”

“Exactly. It’ll be a learned trait from you.”

“And I will be proud.” Jasper shrugs. “I’ll get that kid talking.”

“I can’t wait for you to regret that. Say it again so I can record it and play it back to you when she’s talking your ear off.”

“I already regret saying it because you are talking my ear off.” Jasper slumps into his seat, feeling heavy. He didn’t want to leave the little bubble they had been living in the last couple of days. It was freeing. As much as Jasper was an attention whore, he did truly feel most comfortable and free when it was just him and Ryan. Alone with nothing but time for each other. Going home was the end of that and from the moment he and Ryan had walked out to the pier to wait for the boat to collect and ferry them back to the mainland, he’d been riddled with anxiety that he’d once again be home with no clearly defined goals, trying not to go stir crazy and become his worst self all over again. The lingering feeling leaves him in a constant state of uneasiness, as though he’s waiting in suspense for everything to fall apart. As though failure in inevitable. His medications were packed away in the luggage below, which was an oversight he wished he’d thought of because he couldn’t even sleep. He was too busy feeling the pain of inevitable failure. Ryan deserved better than him. All the comments were right.

The thoughts drain him and it's torture to feel the numbness slipping through him, knowing he cannot stop the feeling that is coming, no matter how hard he tries. To be so aware of it, but powerless at the same time, feels completely unfair.

**** 

Jasper steps inside first and calls out, “Jazzy~”

Down the hall he hears Beth’s voice excitedly gasping, “Who’s that Jasmyn!?” A moment later a little curious head pops around the corner and at the sight of Jasper, she gives a cheeky grin and pulls back to hide behind the wall.

“Baby~” Ryan says as he walks up the hallway. Again, Jasmyn looks around the corner, this time letting out a happy squeal with a goofy grin on her face and immediately she starts speed crawling down the hallway towards them.

“I’m stealing you first. I’m stealing you first!” Jasper says, whisking her up to a defiant scream that he ignores. “I missed you too, sweetheart. So glad you love me so much.”

“Give her a few days to get used to you being home.” Ryan says, kissing Jasper on the cheek then heading over to Beth. “Thank you so much for everything.” He wraps his arms around her in a tight embrace. “We owe you.”

“No, it’s fine. She’s been such a good girl.”

“Ow!” Jasper shouts, surprised, holding his daughter away from himself. “She just bit me.”

“Oh, yeah. She has started biting.” Beth shrugs.

“It’s those nasty little teeth. She must be cutting another one, the poor thing.” Ryan goes over and reaches out to take Jasmyn from Jasper. “Are you okay, darling?” Ryan asks, trying to look at her gums.

“Sure, pity and cuddle the biter.” Jasper says, rubbing his arm.

“There’s the problem. It’s a molar.” Ryan calls out, turning to show Beth first.

“Ooh! I’ll cross that one off the teething chart!” she says excitedly.

“Nobody cares that my daughter just bit me. Is that correct?” Jasper asks with a scoff.

“Welcome home.” Ryan winks.

“So glad I came back for this. I’ve been home 5 minutes, and already she’s screamed at and bitten me. Yay.” Jasper sighs. “I need a shower, 3 days of sleep and a cup of tea,” he says as he heads down the hall towards their bedroom.

**** 

Jasper wasn’t lying about needing 3 days of sleep. However, it was less about exhaustion and more of an unfair low. While overseas, he’d imagined the relief of coming home. The lovely moments with his husband and daughter, catching up with his friends. Getting back to the studio and recording some music. Not once had he pictured feeling so emotionally flat that he could barely bring himself to move.

Ryan seemed to have been more prepared for it though. Jasper didn’t know where Jasmyn was half the time, but Ryan would come in every few hours and cuddle up with him, kiss him and ask if he needed anything. He even brought his meals into the room and ate by the bedside, occasionally feeding Jasper a mouthful or two from his own plate.

On day 3, Ryan asks if Jasper wanted the doctor to come around to re-adjust his meds but Jasper confidently says no. He asks where Jasmyn is, and apologizes for being like this, though he shows no emotion as he speaks.

“You don’t have to apologize. Take it easy on yourself. We’re all just out that door when you’re ready for us, and we love you.” Ryan promises.

“I want to get up and have a shower. Can you help me?” Jasper asks. Ryan nods, gently shifting the blankets off him and taking his hands to help him up. He can feel the physical resistance of Jasper’s exhaustion as Jasper pulls himself up from the bed and takes a moment to simply stand, leaning into Ryan and apologizing again. “I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

Ryan rubs his back, not replying. He doesn’t need to. He and Jasper both knew perfectly well what was ‘wrong with him’.

Finally, they get into the bathroom and Jasper seems to just want Ryan there for company. Not even in the shower with him, but just in the room.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Jasper asks.

“Not really.”

“Do you mind if I go to the studio for a bit? I know I should be spending time with you and Jazzy, but...”

“Another few hours won’t hurt her, Jas. You do what you need to do to come out the other side of this.”

“Thank you.” Jasper steps out of the shower and Ryan hands him a towel. “I’m going to call Luke and see if he’s free.”

“I think that’s a great idea. He’ll be glad to hear from you, I’m sure."

“I love you. I’m really sorry these last few days have sucked.” Jasper sighs, reaching his arms out for a hug.

“I’m sorry, too. I know this isn’t how you would’ve wanted for it to be when you came home.” Ryan says as he wraps his arms around Jasper, holding him tight.

Jasper shakes his head. “I’ve been looking forward to being back here so much. I fucking hate my brain.”

“Ryan places a heartfelt kiss on his forehead. “Go put that brain of yours to good use at the studio. Remind it who’s boss.”

Jasper smiles and looks up at Ryan. “God, I love you.”

**** 

Jasper gets home just before dinner, walking in the door with a content smile on his face. In the lounge room, Beth is playing with Jasmyn. Jasper sits on the floor with them and waits for Jasmyn to notice him. It takes a few moments, but Jasmyn turns to grab something and her face lights up at the sight of him. The smile Jasper gives feels like it comes from every atom of his heart. He doesn’t even know why it’s taken him so long to emotionally wake-up, because he felt perfectly alive in this moment. Jasmyn crawls over and pulls herself up, looking into his eyes.

“Jazzy, blow kiss? Mwah.” Beth says.

Jasmyn raises her little hand to her lips and makes the sound without moving her hand. Jasper grabs her hand, pretending to steal the kiss off her palm. An eruption of giggles comes from the cheeky little girl and it becomes a game. Beth gets up quietly and leaves them to it, heading into the kitchen. A moment later, Ryan steps out, leaning against the wall and watching with an affectionate smile on his face as his two favourite people play together. Then, completely unguided, Jasmyn falls against Jasper with her arms around him.

The look of love and comfort that washes down Jasper brings a tear to his eyes as he wraps his arms around her and snuggles her in tight. “I love you, baby. Thank you for the cuddle. Deedee needed that,” he sniffles back tears. Jasmyn doesn’t answer, but she does lean back and blow him another kiss, which Jasper responds to by trying to steal the kiss from her palm again, much to her delight.

**** 

No one acknowledges that it’s the first time the four of them have sat down for dinner since Jasper got home, though under the table Jasper and Ryan hold hands the entire time.

Jasper insists on doing the full bedtime routine with Jasmyn so Ryan can have a break, and Ryan resists the urge to invade on Jasper’s parenting by suggesting they make it into family time. There would be plenty of time for that. Jasper needed time to just reconnect with his daughter.

There’s a sweet pride on Jasper’s face when he comes out of Jasmyn’s little room in just over an hour. Ryan smiles over at him from the couch and Jasper is quick to join him.

“How’d you go?” Ryan asks, putting his arm around Jasper’s shoulders and bringing him closer on the couch.

“I kept waking her up by kissing her. But it’s her fault for being so cute when she falls asleep.” Jasper replies with a loving smile.

“She got that from you.”

“You’re just saying that because you have to. What are you watching?” Jasper averts his attention to the screen.

“We’re trying to decide whether Ryan should audition for Cabarete or not.” Beth answer.

“On the one hand, there’s a bisexual character, and I’d love to get cast in the role. On the other hand, I feel like it's sacrilege to re-do anything with Liza Minnelli in it.”

“That’s one of the gayest sentences that has ever come out of your mouth, Ryan.” Beth laughs.

“I’m going to disagree, but spare you the details.” Jasper shrugs and the three of them fall into a silence that has Jasper smirking.

When the character Beth and Ryan are talking about comes on screen, Jasper starts paying attention again, seeing what role his husband wants to play on stage. Part of him was upset that he’d just gotten home, and Ryan was already planning to be back into the busy schedule of a Broadway star. That same part of him though, knew that was hypocritical given he’d gone to the studio to work on his music comeback the first opportunity he got, and since he and Luke had actually found they work together pretty well as a duo, they were already talking about how often they could squeeze studio time into their family lives.

Then Jasper has a new uncomfortable feeling as he watches the bisexual character kiss the female lead. Jealousy. Instant jealousy at the thought that Ryan’s career in musical theatre, already filled with exceptionally talented, fit dancers and performers, could include kissing other actors. He’s not sure he’s ready to watch his husband on stage kissing other people.

Jasmyn cries out from down the hall and Jasper gets up, rushing off to see if she’s alright. Teething gel and cuddles later, Jasper sits in the chair in her nursery, holding his daughter while she sleeps and feeling relieved that the debilitating low he experienced when he got home had lifted. So he stays cuddling his daughter until Ryan appears in the doorway an hour later, ready for bed.

“She seems very comfortable there.” Ryan comments quietly.

Jasper smiles down at the sleeping baby in his arms. “My arm is going dead.”

“Are you coming to bed?”

“I probably should.” Jasper nods, getting up and taking Jasmyn back to her cot. He settles her in, then goes to Ryan, who throws an arm around him and the two walk to their room quietly. There’s something that feels so full about the way he and Ryan slip into bed. He’d been home a few days and slept beside Ryan for close to a week now, including their fun little holiday, but this was the first time he felt truly at home, even if it wasn’t quite their home. These arms, the warmth of Ryan’s body close against his and the gentle goodnight kisses are all he feels like he needs in the world right now. Ryan could kiss other Broadway stars every day of his life, as long as he came home and fell asleep like this every night, whispering ‘I love you’ and holding him close and safe in the dark.