Second Chances - 1. Full Reset

They say life goes on, whether we're ready for it or not. As spring moved to summer and summer slid into autumn, I started to look at the world through much duller eyes. My children saw it; the world saw it. Even I noticed, the few times I bothered to shave and look in a mirror. Lifeless eyes in a face painted with sorrow. In his inimitable fashion, Jerod came to my rescue.

"You have to get out".

I looked across the table at him and idly scratched the stubble on my face. "Huh?"

"You need to get out of the house. You are beyond sedentary, my friend."

I smirked, "I am out."

It was true, technically. We were outside at the balcony table. We were outside so we could smoke. Annie hated the smell; I had quit smoking indoors when she was pregnant with Diedre.

"You know what I mean. You've practically entombed yourself in this mausoleum."

"'Mausoleum' is rather harsh."

"I'm sorry. I understand people who suffer a loss like you have will often turn their place into a shrine, and you haven't – but the effect is not that different. You never leave. The rooms are dark. Do you even open your drapes?"

"Not much reason."

"You are still alive, Paul. You need to stop pretending your life ended when Annie died."

"My life did end."

"No, Paul. No more than mine did when Sherry left me."

"You didn't do much different then."

Jerod looked at me with sadness radiating from his normally bright blue eyes. "No, I didn't. But a friend, a good friend made me look at what I was doing to myself – at how I was slowly killing myself with remorse." He ground his cigarette into the ashtray. "You didn't let up on me, Paul. And I won't with you."

I fought the sudden onrush of tears. "Maybe I was wrong."

I jumped as his fist slammed against the table. "Get off the pity train. Yes, it was a tragic loss. I can't begin to know your grief, but I do understand it. And I can see what it is doing to you. It is time, Paul. You need to start living again."

I shook my head. "I don't know how, Jer. And I'm not sure I even want to try. Everywhere I look I see emptiness. My heart … I don't know why it even keeps beating anymore."

He place a hand over mine. "Annie would not want this for you." His voice was soft and gentle, but it hit me as squarely as a punch to my solar plexus. Worse – what he said was true.

My eyes were locked on the table, studying the lines of the wood grain as if my sanity depended on it. "I know."

He withdrew his hand and lit a fresh smoke. "I'm not asking you to celebrate or to start partying. Just … don't give up on the life you have left."

I slowly raised my gaze to meet his. "I don't know what to do …" My voice was barely a whisper.

"Come to the club with me on Saturday. We'll do a little lifting, swim some laps, like we used to do. Just spend a couple of hours on those things you used to enjoy."

"I don't know. Saturday I usually …" I realized then he had a point. I had no set schedule any more. My 'usual routine' was gone. "I really have let go, haven't I?"

"Yes, my friend. And I understand. Please say you'll come. If you get there and decide it's too much too soon or whatever, I'll bring you home. Just try."

I nodded. "Alright. Saturday."

Jerod smiled broadly. "Good. I'll pick you up at nine."

"Ok, I'll be ready. And thanks, Jerod."

"Any time, Paul."

~ - - - ~

Saturday arrived far too quickly for my tastes. I was finishing my second cup of coffee when his car purred its way up the drive. I had to smile – Jerod had gotten that beater the year before we graduated. It had died multiple deaths, but he repeatedly brought it back to life. After Sherry split, that car had been his salvation. I downed the remaining dregs as I stood, then rinsed out the cup, leaving it in the sink. I opened the kitchen door, grabbed my gym bag, and headed down the back steps.

"Good morning, Sunshine." Jerod quipped as I swung open the passenger door.

I tossed my bag into the back seat and slid in, giving my friend a sour look. "You always were an over-zealous morning type."

"That I was, that I was. Still am too – in case you hadn't noticed."

I had to laugh. "Oh, I've noticed."

We rode to the gym silently, listening to the soft, light jazz playing on the radio. I must have zoned out because the next thing I knew, Jerod had parked the car and was sitting with his door open, staring at me.

"I said, are you coming?"

"Sorry," I replied. "My mind was elsewhere." I got out and grabbed my gear before closing the door. The car chirped as he locked it and we walked up the stairs into the club. I looked around the main foyer and took in the relaxed atmosphere. Even though it had opened its doors to women in the late sixty's, it still had the look and feel of the original 'gentleman's club'. I followed Jerod to the counter and smiled at the attendant as he greeted us.

"Mr. Stockwell, good to see you again." He turned to me as I leaned down to sign in.

"Is this your first visit to Oakview, sir?"

Jerod answered for me. "It's not. This is Paul Veroll. He's been a member almost as long as I have; he's just been lazy the last couple of years."

"Hey," I complained. I smiled at the guy behind the counter as I showed him my membership ID. "I've just been busy with other things." I raised a brow at the attendant. "So, now you know who I am …"

He extended a hand. "Tommy. Tommy Sanders. I started here a couple months ago. It's good to meet you, Mr. Veroll, sir."

I shook his hand. "'Mr. Veroll' is fine, Tommy – no 'sir' required. For that matter, you could call me 'Paul', but I imagine club rules still don't permit first name use by the staff."

He flashed me a smile that was almost outshone by his eyes. "No sir, they don't." He glanced at the door as another person entered then returned his gaze to me. "You gentlemen have a good time."

I nodded and turned to walk with Jerod to the locker room. "Seems like a nice enough kid."

"He is. Cute, too."

I shot Jerod a look.

"Come on, Paul. You can't tell me that you don't notice things like that. You've always had an eye for the good looking, young men."

We walked into the locker room and moved to a far corner where our lockers stood. Membership at Oakview was a little steep, but having my own locker with my name riveted on the door was a nice touch.

"I haven't … been on that side of the fence in a long time, Jer. You know that."

"I know you haven't touched, but you can't tell me you haven't looked."

I just shook my head and sat to remove my shoes. "Whatever. That's all ancient history."

His grin widened. "History tends to repeat itself."