Finding ... Everything - 1. Chapter 1

Finding … Everything

 

"I don't believe this, Charlie!"

To say my father was upset would be an understatement. He was in mid-rant at present.

"You have a scholarship, which starts in just over a month, and you come in tonight and tell us this?" My father was a full-body ranter. On his feet, arms waving, voice raised, he stalked back and forth across the living room. He stopped suddenly and faced me. "NO! Absolutely, this is not going to happen."

I watched him from my seat on a pair of matching blue bucket chairs. "I'm sorry, Pop, but it is. I've made my decision, and I spoke to the University, and they said I can defer a year, but then I need to either be in school or apply again." I stood up and walked over to my stressed, red-faced father. "I'm not going to lose the scholarship, Pop. I do want to be a doctor."

"Jesus H. Christ, Charlie. Why then? Why do you want to pull this crazy stunt?"

Ignoring the jibe, his attempt to rile me up, I said, "Dad, it's not crazy. I've always done the right things. I'm nineteen, nearly twenty. I always kept my grades up; I never skipped school. I did everything you told me to get to where I am, but now I need a break. I want to see things, meet people, and travel. Give me the chance to see something outside of Canada." I turned to look at my mother, who'd remained silent, and my father, who'd decided to sit with her. I smiled at them. "I need to find out more about me and about everything."

My mom, who was much less demonstrative, chose this moment to speak. "Charlie, you've obviously thought about this a lot. Where are you going? What's the plan? Are you going for the full year? Please explain so we can understand and put our minds at ease."

Dad's jaw dropped, and he started to speak. Whatever he was going to say was cut off when my mom eyed him and shook her head no.

I smiled at her. She's always been there for me, even when she thinks I'm wrong. "Well, I want to travel down to the USA. You've taken me across Canada, so I'd like to travel down there. I thought I'd take the bus to New York City and then from there go to West Virginia, then see places like Nashville, St. Louis, and Oklahoma. I’d head over to the West Coast via Phoenix and then make my way north up the coastline and then home."

"How?" My mom's steely blue eyes threatened to burn out my retinas.

"Well, bus mostly. I have money saved up, then, in some places, I'll find a part-time job or some kind of work. I'll stay in hostels or camp. I want to see some different places and people before I dedicate myself to another four or five years of school, then residency, and then a practice of some sort." I didn't tell them the other reasons, the real ones, they wouldn't understand. I need to find out who Charlie is, what he's capable of, and mostly, whether he is gay or is he bi. Yeah, I want to see the world, but I need to find out who I truly am.

Mom looked at Dad. "James, he's old enough and if he chooses to go, we, in fact, cannot stop him."

Now back on his feet pacing, Dad stopped and stared back at her, but she quickly interjected when he was about to explode. "James, you know I'm right. I don't want him to do this, but we've been so lucky all these years. Let's not mess up our relationship with our son by trying to stop him." She got up then, walked over to Dad, and put her arms around him. "Instead, let's give him some funds." Her left hand flew up, palm out, in my direction.

I puffed up my cheeks, sighed, and shut up.

"Thanks, Charlie." Leaving Dad's side, she came over and patted my cheek. "It will help us feel better knowing you have funds available in case of emergency. If you don't need them, fine. Okay?" Mom then returned to my steaming father.

Mom is a smart cookie. I nodded. "Okay. I get you guys are concerned. I'm not a huge risk taker, so I'll mostly travel by bus. I'm not planning any hitchhiking or anything. I need to do something on my own." I got up and completed our familial group in the centre of the living room. "Who knows, maybe I'll decide it's not for me and come home. I want to try."

Dad rolled his eyes, accepting his defeat. "Okay. But you take a phone and a charger with you. You stay in touch with us in some way. A text will do. I don't need details; I need to know you're okay."

"Okay, that's fair." Like I’d go anywhere without my phone! But I tried to put myself in their shoes. "I'd want to know that you guys were all right too."

Mom smiled and said, "So, we need to go shopping to get you a backpack and things. Right?"

"Right."

Dad grinned. "Well, that's me out. Buy some good shoes and some rain gear, is my only advice. Otherwise, I leave you in your mother's hands."

"Okay, Pop." I returned his smile. I pulled out my phone and started a list.

>>>>> <<<<<

Three weeks later, I was looking for my bus at the Union Station bus terminal. The crowd was larger than I'd expected. I finally found the lineup for my bus to New York. I felt excited and nervous. I'd been to New York before, but always with others.

After stowing my backpack in the bus's luggage compartment, I showed the driver my ticket and my passport. I kept all of that, plus a can of pepper spray Mom insisted I carry, in my new waterproof canvas messenger bag. It also held my tablet, phone, and other bits and pieces.

I climbed the few stairs into the bus and found a seat near the back of the vehicle. I dug into my bag and found my earbuds. I'd brought an actual paper diary with me. I was determined to document my journey, so I wrote about my trip so far.

After saying goodbye to my parents at home, I bussed down to Union Station. It was easier than having them drive me and listen to their advice, which they offered, but that only helped to assuage their fear.

I decided to write only the truth in my diary. So, I knew that I was scared to death of what I was doing. I mean, I'd been sheltered and pampered all my life. I had no idea what life was like outside of home, private boys’ school and the little enclave where we lived.

It was summer, and I should have been up at the cottage with my equally unknowledgeable friends. We'd hike and waterski, joke about sex, and do other things we'd never done to date. For me, girls were just friends who were not boys. Well, at least for me. I wasn't attracted to them beyond that, which seemed to frustrate some of them. They were great pals, but I don't think that's what they wanted.

Anyway, the bus was not full, which meant I did not have a seatmate. You can pay for the seat next to you to avoid sharing, but I'd gotten lucky. I spread out a little bit. The bus offered free Wi-Fi and a power outlet to top up your electronics. The trip would take at least ten and a half hours. As the bus departed at 9:00 p.m., I hoped that I would sleep a good portion of that.

Leaving Toronto, I enjoyed watching the lights. As we made our way out of the city, I realized that I rarely went out at night. I was starting to wonder what in the world I was doing.

It's too late now, Charlie. Close your eyes and try to get some sleep. I stowed my things in the messenger bag and placed them on the floor beside my feet. I put the seat back a little and closed my eyes.

>>>>> <<<<<

After a successful border crossing and trip to New York City, I was hungry. I spent the morning wandering around Manhattan and finally got brave enough to walk through the East Village and Lower East Side. I stored my backpack at Luggage Hero, less a pair of fresh boxers and a T-shirt, which I put in my messenger bag. It was better than carrying the pack around the city.

I knew it was a gay neighbourhood, and I admit I was scared. The men here were not shy, and I was out of my depth. There were a lot of suggestive-looking places, which I steered clear of.

Eager to get off the main street, I turned down a side street and found a small restaurant called Bennies. I peered in the window. It looked ordinary and mundane. There were a few people inside, but it was different from what was on the main street I'd run from. I went in and sat down. The bartender/waiter came over.

"Hi. Do you just want a drink or are you eating?" The server smiled. He was built; obviously he lifted and took care of himself. His V-neck, white t-shirt was tight, and his pecs and abs were on show.

I licked my lips before smiling at him. "Hi. Eating, thanks."

"Sure thing." He handed me a paper menu with a hand five times the size of mine. "Anything to drink now?"

I looked up from the menu. "Just a Coke, please."

He grinned like he saw my innocence. "No problem. Be right back."

The food was simple and not too expensive. I was happy I dropped in here. I put the menu down and just gazed around. It seemed a little on the old side but was cozy and pleasant.

"Here's your Coke." The bartender placed a classic Coke glass on the table. "Have you decided?"

"Thanks, yes. I'll have today's soup and a grilled cheese, please."

"Okay. Fries?"

"No, thanks."

"Okay. It won't take too long." Again, he smiled at me and then walked toward the kitchen at the back.

I sipped the drink and dug my Guide to New York out of my bag. I'd decided to change my original plan, which had been to get a bus straight away to West Virginia. Instead, I thought I'd spend a couple of days here in New York.

I flipped the page. Why not? It's my year. I don't need to answer to anyone right now.

My lunch arrived as I looked at the guide.

"Here you go." The bartender put down a bowl of potato leek soup and the golden-brown sandwich.

I closed the book, and my stomach growled in appreciation of the food. "Oh, wow, thank you. This looks terrific."

"No problem. Enjoy." With that, the man returned to his bar.

I dug in. The food was delicious. After eating steadily for a few minutes, I opened the guide again to make a plan for the next few days.

I was scraping the last from my bowl when someone sat across from me. He was dressed in a soft green blazer with rolled-up sleeves, a white T-shirt, and blue jeans. His hair was dark brown, as was his tidy beard. For a second, I wanted to know the body that was hidden by the clothes. Then it hit me suddenly: I don't know this guy. I pushed my chair back a little.

Holding up his hands, he said, "Hey. Hey. Sorry. This is rude. I didn't even ask to join you." He leaned forward and smiled. "Just wondered if you're busy."

I felt stuck. Should I reply? I decided I should. "Well, yeah, if by busy you mean I'm eating."

He smiled and looked over at the bartender. "Carl, can I get a beer?"

The helpful server smiled. "Coming right up."

"Look," I said. "I am busy." I gazed around the room. "There's lots of places to sit. It's not that crowded here."

Carl arrived with the beer and put it in front of my invader. "Anything else, Tom?"

"No, thanks but put his lunch on my tab, will ya?"

I sat up straighter. "No, thank you. That's not necess—"

"Sure, no problem." Carl smiled at me and winked, then walked away.

I felt out of my depth, run over.

Tom, my now invader slash lunch buyer, picked up his beer and sipped. "Look, I think maybe you're not understanding. Have you checked out this place? Do you know where you are?"

What is this guy saying? I glanced around quickly. "I'm in a restaurant, eating lunch."

He grinned. "You're in a gay bar alone. What's done in gay bars? You're very handsome, and you're on your own. So… "

"So?" Then I realized. Shit, he's hitting on me. I'm sure my eyes were wide enough that my eyeballs could fall out. "I um, um."

It was as if I hadn't spoken. He picked up the New York guide. He looked at it, then at me, then at it. "Oh, wow. Okay. You're not from here, right?"

"No, I'm just here for a few days."

"I see. So, you're not here for…"

"Sex?" I blurted that out loud enough to turn a couple of heads. At the bar, Carl chuckled and shook his head. I immediately turned bright red.

Tom, the invader, smiled more broadly. "Well, I prefer to start with a conversation or a walk in the park. But hey, maybe we should get straight to it."

"No. I think talking first is important." Did I? What the hell was I doing?

Smiling again, Tom said, "Look. I don't want to bother you. This is just a quieter place. We don't all like the loud spots."

What did I want to do? Here was a man who was interested in me. Well, to be honest, interested in having sex with me. What would he do when he found out I had zero experience other than with my right hand? I'd never even kissed anyone, well, not properly.

He seemed nice.

"No, no. Sorry. It's not what I expected today. I mean I came for lunch." I managed to smile at him. "You're not bothering me."

"Good." He reached over the table and took my hand. "I'd be happy to show you around the East Village. There are some great things to see. Then maybe we could go to dinner."

A handsome, grown man is asking me out. I squeezed his hand and nodded. "You know, that sounds great. I'd enjoy that."

"Perfect. I'll settle up with Carl, and we can go when you're ready."

>>>>> <<<<<

After leaving the restaurant, we walked around, and Tom showed me various places, like the Stonewall Inn and Memorial Park on Christopher Street. We sat there for a while talking. The sun was shining, and it felt nice to be here with someone.

"You mentioned you were a teacher. What do you teach, Tom?" We sat together on a bench under a tree.

"Forensic Accounting at the College of Criminal Justice."

"Oh, wow. That could be interesting." It sounded impressive to me.

"Teaching is interesting. I enjoy the subject and worked in the field for a number of years after I left school." Tom slipped his arm around me. "What are you going to study in university?"

"Medicine. I hope to become a family doctor. I'd like to practice in the Church-Wellesley area in Toronto, to help Gay people and their families."

"That's a great calling. Good for you." Tom moved a little nearer.

His closeness was intoxicating, and I found myself aroused and wishing we were not in a park.

He nuzzled my neck, and I shivered.

"You okay?" Tom whispered as he kissed me just below the ear.

My skin was on fire. "Oh yeah. I'm very okay."

"Mmm, good. Maybe we should walk a bit more."

That was not a possibility at the current time. "Maybe not right this second."

Tom smiled and laughed. Then he kissed me. I returned it, shifting slightly towards him. I was hungry for more.

"Whoa there, tiger. We're in public." He gently held me away. "You're so young. Does the difference—?"

"No. Nope." I sat back. "Does it bother you? I mean you don't seem so much older."

Tom stared into my eyes. "Twenty years at least." He sighed.

I turned to him. "Look, this is nice. I'm only here for a couple of days. I'd like to spend some of that with you. I know this isn't going to be a long relationship or anything." I paused. I didn't want to lose him before anything started. "I'm not experienced. That kiss was the first for me. I kind of would like to do more with you."

Tom looked surprised. "That was your first? Oh, shit." He slid away, putting a little distance between us, like my innocence was a wall.

"Please don't worry." I didn’t want to scare him away. "I mean I took this year off to get some experience of life and other places and people. Yes, losing my virginity was part of that plan. I could probably get that done in one of those clubs with some guy."

"But that's not how you want it." Tom took my hand. He smiled and relaxed a little. "I don't think that's how it should be either."

"So, would you take me home with you?" I swallowed. My mouth was dry, and I felt anxious, excited, and scared to death all at once.

"I will." Tom continued to hold my now clammy hand. "If you change your mind, you have to promise to say so…about anything, okay?"

I nodded at first, afraid my dry mouth wouldn't answer. I licked my lips. "Okay. I promise."

After another brief pause, Tom nodded and got to his feet. He pulled me up too. "Let's go then."

>>>>> <<<<<

We took a cab to Tom's apartment, near where he worked.

"I can walk to work most of the time. If the weather's bad, I'll take an Uber," Tom said as we got out of the car. It's a walk-up, though, just a couple of floors."

We entered the lobby and started up the stairs. The walls were white, and the floor and stairs were clean and tidy.

"This is nice." I looked around. It was older but well cared for.

"Do you live in an apartment?" Tom stopped and waited for me on the landing.

"No, I still live with my parents in our house."

"I'd recommend doing that for as long as you can. Save your money." We'd finished climbing the stairs, and I followed Tom down the hallway. He stopped in front of number 304. Tom pulled the key from his pocket and unlocked the heavy door. "This is it. Come on in."

I stepped into a short hall after Tom. Immediately across the hall, there was a coat closet, and several landscapes were on the taupe-coloured walls. The floors were some kind of dark wood.

Tom took my bags—we'd retrieved my backpack from Luggage Hero on the way—and placed them by the closet. He also took our coats and hung them up.

I waited until he said, "Come on, this way."

My nervousness was building as I followed my host to the living room. It was lovely. There were more paintings, and several modern sculptures sat on the shelves of a wall unit. The furniture was a bit worn but comfortable. The place was neat and tidy but welcoming as well.

Tom motioned for me to sit on the sofa. I did while he remained standing.

"I don't know about you, but I need a cup of tea."

I nodded briskly. "Yes, please, that would be great."

"Okay. I'll be right back." He turned then and walked to the kitchen.

I could hear the water running and the kettle being filled. From the kitchen, there was some clattering of cups and other things. Tom appeared in the doorway. "Do you have milk and sugar?"

"Just milk please." I couldn't believe I was sitting here. One day away from my parents and I'm going to bed with a man I've known for about five hours.

Tom returned and sat beside me. I felt nervous and skittish - like a frightened horse.

"Don't worry." Tom smiled. "We can just talk."

"I'll be happy to talk for a bit. Drink our tea."

Tom moved closer. "Tea needs a few more minutes. In the meantime…" He turned to me and slipped his arms around me. After gazing into my eyes for a few moments, he moved closer, and then his lips were on mine.

At first, his kisses were gentle, and his lips explored my own. His hands moved over my back, holding me firmly against him. Our chests and thighs felt hot where they touched. I was hanging on to him as his tongue slipped into my waiting mouth. I've never felt anything like that kiss. He sucked my tongue gently, and I couldn't hold in the moan of pleasure. I wanted to rip off my clothes and beg him to take me to bed.

Then, suddenly, it was over. Tom moved away, but I clung to him. His voice was soft in my ear as he released his grip on me. "Shhh. I know you want more. I want it too. I want you." He sucked in a deep breath and pushed me away, yet held onto my shoulders. He gazed into my eyes and said, "Let's just go slow. We have the rest of the day and tonight. Okay, Charlie?"

Breathing heavily, I managed to nod and say, "Yeah, okay." My dick was so hard it ached as it throbbed inside my jeans. I wanted to tear everything off.

Tom smiled knowingly and got to his feet. "I'll bring the tea."

I returned the smile, though I no longer wanted any tea. My body was saying let's go. Strip. Get naked for this sexy older man who is going to take away your virgin halo. But my more restrained, sensible side struggled back to the top of the pile. "That's great, thank you. Anything I can help you with, Tom?"

"All good, be right back."

>>>>> <<<<<

We drank our tea and talked. We made out a little. Finally, after a lot of kissing and petting, Tom tugged me to my feet.

"You ready?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"Okay. Come on and we’ll get cleaned up and ready and then shower."

I swallowed. My heart was pounding, but I was excited—the bulge down below was proof of that. I was suddenly scared.

Tom turned around and came to me. He smiled. "Let's shower. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. We can just lay in bed together and kiss or just talk."

"Okay." I let him lead me to his bedroom.

It was a nice room. The sheer curtains filtered the light, and the walls and furnishings were in shades of bright blues and grays. It was comfortable. I noticed lube and a box of condoms on the nightstand.

Tom closed the door and moved to my side. One more, he slipped his arms around me and held me close. His hands moved gently up and down my back. I leaned against him.

His voice was soft in my ear. "Come on, let me undress you, then we'll clean up and shower."

>>>>> <<<<<

I had a vague idea about the clean-up part, and it certainly should be done alone, but Tom helped me as it was my first time. I felt both embarrassed and grateful. I got into the shower to allow him some privacy. He joined me a few minutes later.

I've seen naked male bodies before in school. In gym class, most of us didn't care much about being naked after the first few times, but seeing my first potential lover unclothed had a profound effect on me.

He was glorious. Not physically flawless, but he wanted me, and in my head, that was everything. That's what made all of it perfect for me. Tom was a nearly forty-year-old man who worked out but showed his age a little bit. I didn't care about that. I found him beautiful because he cared about me and the experience and loved me at that moment. My body reacted appropriately.

The water was warm and felt sublime. Tom noticed my erection and smiled gently. He slowly kneeled and touched my throbbing hardness with gentle touches and then kisses. Each of his caresses was exquisite. He gazed up at me.

"I can take care of this for you."

My shoulders and legs clenched in anticipation. I moaned softly as Tom gripped me and pulled my rigid member into his mouth. I grabbed his hair and let him.

After the shower, we fell into bed. I could taste myself on his lips, and I was hungry for more, for everything he could show me. I wanted it all.

>>>>> <<<<<

The following day, I awoke alone in bed. Disappointment washed over me as I sat up. Where was Tom? I decided I needed the toilet and threw back the covers to get up. As I did, I smiled, relieved, when I heard noises from the kitchen. I hadn't been abandoned.

After I completed my ablutions, I returned to the bedroom. Tom was waiting for me.

"Good morning." He smiled at me. "How do you feel?"

"Mmm, a bit sore but good." I smiled.

"That's to be expected. I'm glad you're okay though." He had on a robe and pulled it tighter around himself.

I bit my lip as he did, knowing intimately what lurked beneath the material surrounding him. I could do nothing in the moment to hide how I felt.

He grinned at my predicament. "I know, but let's have some coffee and a bite to eat first."

He moved to hug me. I could feel his dick hardening. We kissed, and things began to become more passionate. Gently, he held us apart.

"Let's get some food here in bed. We have all day."

I nodded. Good things are worth waiting for, and I was hungry. "Do you need help?"

"No, it's all under control. You hop back into bed, and I'll bring it in, okay?"

Moving toward the bed, I said, "Okay."

Tom left the room, and I straightened the sheets and shook out the pillows. I settled into bed and waited for my lover.

I may have smirked a bit. I have a lover!

>>>>> <<<<<

Breakfast was good, and the coffee hit the spot. Tom took the dishes back into the kitchen, and when he returned, he removed his robe. I jumped a little in anticipation, my cock twitched, and I smiled at him. He got into bed and pulled me close.

"Where were we?"

We stayed in bed, making love and napping until late afternoon. We lay on our sides gazing at each other.

Tom stroked my cheek and leaned over to kiss me. His lips were soft against mine. "Charlie, you are amazing, today was amazing. I want you more and more."

I didn't want this to end. I felt head over heels in love.

Tom ran his hands over my body. "You're so beautiful, and I know you're ready again, but this old guy needs a rest." He chuckled. "I think we should shower and then go out for dinner. Maybe then I'll have one more in me."

Placing my hand over his, I nodded. "Sounds like the best kinda night cap."

"Come on, let's shower."

"Maybe we should shower alone." I grinned. "You know what can happen there."

"Yeah, I do. But also know what my water bill will be like. So, let's put on our mature boy pants and shower together." Tom threw back the covers and stood up.

I gazed at his nice ass for a few moments. "Oh, okay then." Then, I followed him into the bathroom.

We did manage not to fool around too much in the shower. Afterwards, we dressed and went out into the cool night. Walking along, we held hands as we looked for a place to eat.

We went to a nice roadhouse-type place, which was a bit loud, but we managed by sitting side-by-side on a bench seat. We consumed burgers with fries and drank root beer. I was too young to consume real beer in New York, though. I didn't mind, though; alcohol isn't something I care much about.

After leaving the restaurant, we wandered along, chatting and enjoying being together. We found a quiet patio and had coffee and some dessert.

Tom smiled at me. "So, what are your plans?"

What were my plans? "I-I'm undecided."

My lover sat back and considered me. After a sigh, he asked, "Will you travel as planned?"

I felt sad suddenly. I felt good here, safe with this man. I looked down at my hands. "I kinda like it here."

"I know. I like it too, but this—what we're doing—it's not real life." Tom reached for my hand. "Do you understand, Charlie?"

I understood and felt, briefly, used and angry. It's not his fault. This isn't a forever relationship. Tom was still talking.

"I like you but this can't be more for lots of reasons. You're just starting your life. There's so much in front of you. If you stayed, we wouldn't be happy for long. I don't want that, Charlie."

I nodded. "I know." I stared down at the partially eaten chocolate brownie before me. "You're so great. How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

"I did for a long time." Tom sighed. He sat back with his eyes on me; his jaw worked before he said, "He was killed last year in a construction accident. His name was Steve. We'd been together for five years then. We'd still be together now." He smiled crookedly. "You and I met because I woke up alone yesterday and just wanted someone, you know?"

I didn't know but nodded anyway.

"I walked into Bennies and there you were. Handsome, young and I don't know, you looked easy to talk to. Well, I took a chance and sat down, and here we are." Tom wiped his eyes. "So, what are you going to do?"

"Not sure. Part of me wants to just go home, and part of me says I should travel on at least for a little while." Stay with you. That's what I want, but I know that it's not going to happen.

Tom shook his head and sighed. "I've messed this up for you, haven't I?"

"No. No. I'll never regret this, Tom. Never." I never would and wanted him to believe me.

"I'm glad. I won't either." He smiled. "Hey, let's get a picture." He waved at the waiter. Would you mind taking a picture of us?"

"No, not at all." The waiter took the phone and then waited.

We arranged ourselves next to each other; Tom put his arm around me. We smiled, and the waiter snapped the shot with Tom's phone.

"There you are." Our server held out the device.

"Thanks very much." Tom took his phone. "May we have the check please?"

"Sure thing. Back in a moment."

Once the waiter had gone, Tom said, "So, give me your number, and I'll send you a copy."

"Okay. Can you include your address? I'd like to keep in touch, if that's okay with you." The look on Tom's face made me scramble. "I mean, like a Christmas card or something. Would that be okay? Like friends?"

After a moment's thought, Tom nodded. "Yeah, sure. That would be nice."

We traded information, and the check arrived. Tom wouldn't let me pay for it, so we walked back to Tom's apartment.

"It's getting cooler. Winter won't be far behind these nice autumn days," Tom said as he held my hand.

"No, I guess not."

We walked hand-in-hand, and I realized something. "I've never held anyone's hand before, other than one of my parents." I grinned.

Tom smiled. "Lots of firsts on this trip."

"Yeah."

We got back and sat together in the living room. Tom went to make tea and left me wondering what I was going to do. I pulled out my phone and sent a brief text to Mom and Dad, telling them I was in New York, alive, and taking a bus to Virginia Beach the next morning. I then pulled up the bus app, booked my seat, and paid online. There was a one-and-a-half-hour layover in Philadelphia.

"What are you doing?" Tom returned carrying two mugs of tea.

I sighed. "Booking my bus to Virginia Beach tomorrow morning."

He bent to put the mugs on the coffee table. He sighed as he sat down beside me. "Where are you leaving from?"

I showed him my phone. "Okay, that's not too far. I'll walk you over there; is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, that would be great, thanks."

We drank our tea and then got ready for bed. I put my alarm on for seven.

Our final time together was slow and intense, and afterwards, I lay in Tom's arms for what I knew would be the last time.

"Charlie, thank you."

I started to raise myself, but Tom said, "Shh, no, don't say anything."

I put my head back down on his shoulder without a word.

"Thanks. Because of you, I feel good—like life is worth the effort. I'm going to find someone to share that life with." He kissed my temple and held me tight. "You are going to travel, meet people, see a bit of the world. Then you're going to go to school and do great things with your life. You'll find the one who you'll fall in love with. I sort of wish it was me, but…anyway. You're going to have a wonderful life."

I turned over and put my arms around him. "I do love you, Tom. In some way, I do."

"I know. I feel the same way." He held me close and kissed me again. "Let's get some sleep. We'll grab some breakfast in the morning, and I'll put you on the bus."

>>>>> <<<<<

Once I settled on the bus, my goodbye with Tom played over in my mind. I don't think I've ever been hugged so tightly. He kissed me again before saying, "This isn't easy, Charlie. I want to keep you here but—"

"I know." I struggled not to cry. "You've been great, and I will never regret these few days with you."

He sighed mightily. "I won't either. Stay in touch. Tell me how you're getting on. I'd like to know."

I watched as the line for the bus grew shorter, knowing I'd have to join it. I turned to gaze into Tom's eyes. "I will as long as you promise to get out there and meet someone new."

He smiled at me then. "I promise."

I nodded, and then, after a quick, final kiss, I left him, showed the driver my e-ticket and climbed aboard. I found a seat on the left side of the bus and waved to Tom.

He waved, blew me a kiss, then turned and walked away. I know it sounds hokey, but honestly some of my heart left with him.

>>>>> <<<<<

I started the trip I had planned, but my motivation was gone. I felt alone, and I wanted to go home. I sat on the bus, considering just that. I wondered how that conversation with my mother would go.

"I've had sex, now I'm lonely and want to come home, Mom."

There were probably better ways to go. However, it was the truth, but of course, I didn't call and tell her that. However, I did bring my journal up-to-date. Hopefully, Mom never finds it.

The following months, I travelled and enjoyed what I was doing and the places I saw. It wasn't until early December that I decided I didn't want to spend Christmas alone in a motel room with a McChicken. I wanted to go home and be with the people I loved.

I called home in mid-December.

"Charlie! How are you? Where are you?" My mom was smiling; I could tell.

"I'm in Phoenix. At the Camelback Motel."

"Is it nice, sweetheart?"

"It's okay, Mom. Kinda showing its age a bit I guess."

Mom laughed. "Like all of us." There was a brief moment of silence. "Are you okay, Charlie?"

How did mothers know? "I-I. Yes. No." I felt miserable. "I don't know."

"Sounds like you do. Just say what you want to say, honey."

"I want to come home." Blurting it out made it sound childish. It didn't sound like the mature decision I thought I'd made, but it was how I felt.

"Are you sure? You know you can come home any time." Mom paused for a moment. "You know your father will want to know your plans."

Huh? Where were my mature boy pants now? I grinned as I briefly thought of showering with Tom. "Yeah, I know."

"We will both be happy you're home, but you know your dad. No just sitting around the house for nine months until uni. What are you going to do?"

"I don't have that sorted out just yet, but I will. I'll take some kind of course, or find some kind of job until school starts."

"Okay. I'm sure he'll be all right with that." Mom took a breath. "Are you sure this is what you want, Charlie? Are you just homesick?"

"I'm sure. Travelling is great, and I want to do more of it, but not on my own." I shifted on the bed where I sat. "I'm tired of having no one to talk to or to share things with. I'm just ready to come home, Mom."

"All right, sweetie. Arrange your flight and let us know the arrival time and date. We'll meet your plane."

Relief flooded through me. "I'll do that. I may spend a couple of days here first since I'm in Phoenix and then be home for Christmas. Is that okay? I can come sooner." I thought I might as well see a few things and do some Christmas shopping here.

"That's perfectly fine. I think that's a good thing to do. Arrange your flight and then see some sights since you're right there." There was a brief silence on the phone, and then Mom said, "I love you, Charlie. We'll see you in a few days. Let me know, okay?"

"Okay, Mom." My face was sore from smiling so much. "I love you too. I'll send you the info by text and email. Thanks, Mom. I'll speak with you soon. Bye."

"Bye sweetie. See you soon. Enjoy your time there!"

I nodded and felt buoyed by the talk. "I will. See you soon!"

After disconnecting the call, I gazed around the little room. Suddenly, I was looking forward to a few days here. I grabbed my tablet to arrange my flight home. I then decided to book a couple of one-day tours to the Grand Canyon, Montezuma's Castle, Sedona, and Oak Creek Canyon. Then, I'd rest a day before flying home.

The tours I took were amazing, and the people I met were good company. They were all older and wondered about me travelling alone. I shared with them, but Tom remained my secret. I wondered if I'd tell anyone about him. Maybe one day.

So, to make this long story shorter, I arrived home, glad to be back in the safety of the nest once again. But part of me would never be totally satisfied here. Part of me had changed, had been freed, and I knew this couldn't be forever. For now, though, home was the best place.

I worked in the local fast-food joint until I went to university. I also came out to two very not surprised parents. They seemed to expect the news and offered minimal advice, saying I needed to stay safe and be kind and considerate.

Over the next four years, I completed my Bachelor's Degree in Biological Chemistry and then applied to medical school at several universities. The University of Toronto accepted me. This was my local, so to speak, and it meant I could save money by living at home. During this time, I thought of Tom often, but I didn't date. I didn't seek out another lover. I made do with my hand and kept my mind on the prize.

I'd kept in touch with Tom, who had married another teacher he'd met and dated a few months after I'd gone. He told me they were very happy. I was glad and a bit jealous.

>>>>> <<<<<

During my trip, I acknowledged a part of myself that I wasn’t sure existed until my time with Tom. Knowing who I was gave me a sense of confidence. I met Eddie in the middle of my three-year residency. He was a male nurse at the hospital I was working in. We're the same age, and we each love our professions. We'd talk and joke together when we were on the same shift. Eventually I asked him to lunch on a rare day off.

We met in a casual, reasonably-priced restaurant. While we had chatted often in the hospital, this felt different. I think we both felt it was a step towards something more.

"You okay?" I asked my lunch date after we were seated and had been perusing the menus in silence.

Eddie grinned. "Yeah, sure. Well, we've only spent time in the hospital together over the past months, so this feels different."

"I guess it is. It's a date. I hope it means something different." I stared into the dark eyes I thought about obsessively.

"It is, isn't it?" Eddie pressed himself against the banquette's padded back. "Is it a beginning? Like of us?"

I nodded. I wanted to touch Eddie so badly. "Yes. That's what I feel."

My date then shook his head, smiled more broadly than I thought possible, and reached across the table to touch my hand. "I like you, Charlie. We shouldn't be so awkward."

"I don't think that'll last long." I couldn't help but smile back at him.

Our food arrived, and I told Eddie my plans as we ate.

"So, I'd like to open a family practice downtown near the Village to help LGBT+ folks in a place where they can feel safe." I popped in a stuffed jalapeno and leaned forward. "I want it to be a place where you know people's names. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, very much." Eddie chewed his veggie burger. "I love that idea. I'd like to be part of that, Charlie."

Hope leapt inside me. "Really? You'd leave the hospital to work with me?"

He was quiet, and his head rolled slightly to the left before he said, "Yeah. In a heartbeat. I want my work to be meaningful. I want to be where I'm needed." He blinked and pulled his shoulders back. "I mean, I am at the hospital, but something more intimate and personal sounds amazing."

"Then let's make it happen."

>>>>> <<<<<

After our first date, we took things slow. For the most part we went for walks, out to dinner, or to see films. Eddie's family is from the Philippines and while they accept him and me, they have expectations of our relationship and behaviour. We often spent time visiting our families. Mom and Dad love Eddie to bits.

I lived at home during this time because it made financial sense, but Eddie had a room in a shared apartment close to the hospital. We'd spend time in his single bed kissing and touching. I was ready for more but neither of us was in a rush plus there were his roommates. If I stayed over, we usually slept together but never fully nude. It was nice to just be close to him.

Things began to change as we grew closer over the passing months and I was longing for sex with my beautiful man.

One night things were hot and heavy and I lay atop Eddie kissing him and stroking his body. He was losing his control, and he pushed me away.

"I can't, Charlie."

I lay back in a huff and with a massive aching stiffy. "Why? We're together. What's wrong with it?"

Eddie cooed at me and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I promised myself and God, I would wait until I got married."

"What?" I looked into his amazing eyes. "Are you kidding?"

"No." He looked a little upset. "It's very important to me."

What a shit I was. He was only following his own rules. "I'm sorry. That was an awful thing to say." I meant it, too. I've followed my moral code, and it's been right for me so far.

Eddie smiled at me. "We can share this important time together. It's the ultimate gift to one another."

I stared at him. My thoughts returned to Tom and the time I spent in his bed. I never regretted it, but I may do a little bit now. Do I lie and fake it, or tell the truth? "Eddie…"

"What's wrong?" His eyes widened in fear.

"I-I'm not a virgin."

"You're not?" He looked so confused. "When did you…?"

"Before I went to university. I met someone special, and I wanted to be with him."

Eddie drew away and sat up. His voice was soft and low when he said, "This guy was special? So, what am I?"

Never had I wanted to have someone understand me so badly. "Look, it was seven years ago. There was no one until I met you. I wanted to wait for another special guy." I reached out to touch his back. "Tom is a great guy. It was special for that one day. Now you're special, and I want it to be for one lifetime."

Eddie turned. "Do you mean that? A lifetime, us together? Marriage?"

I reached for his hand and held it. I found I did mean it…

…and that I had found everything.

>>>>> The End <<<<<