Dangerous Liaisons - 14. Chapter 14

I couldn’t sit still. The thought that Daniel was here... so close... again. I paced around the room, picking things up and putting them down again. What if he didn’t want to see me... again? What if he turned me away... again?

Kate and Jake seemed nice, very nice. I couldn’t believe what they told me about Daniel. I mean I could believe easily enough that he had done it, that would be so like him. But to think that when I had been sitting cosy in Charlie’s den, drinking whisky and cursing Daniel, he had been fighting for his life and lying bleeding in the sand, cold and alone. It was unbearable.

I caught Jake’s eye and he grinned at me. He was the strong silent type but there was something about him that felt safe.

“Don’t worry. Kate has a way with her. No one can resist. She collects waifs and strays, although it’s usually cats. She collected me once.”

“You? You don’t strike me as a waif or a stray.”

He laughed, a great rolling laugh that suited his enormous frame. “You’d be surprised.” He got up and walked to the mantelpiece. Picking up a framed photograph he stared at it for a moment, a strange look on his face and then he handed it to me. It was of three people, two boys and a man. The man was standing with a huge grin on his face, one arm around each of the boys. One of the boys, clearly Jake, only a few years ago, was taller than the man and broader too... the other looked a couple of years younger and was altogether smaller, slender and frail looking but very pretty.

“That’s my father and my brother... Alex. He was... Alex was always ... different. When he was seventeen, a year after that photograph was taken he... he came out to my father, told him that he was gay and he had a boyfriend, someone I knew slightly. My father flipped. He’s... he’s very much a man’s man and he took it almost as a personal affront. They had a terrible row and Alex stormed out.

“He... he got in his car and was on his way over to his boyfriend’s house when he was in an accident.” Jake’s voice turned bleak, tight with pain, and his eyes went blank. “He didn’t die straight away. We were called to the hospital but my father wouldn’t go. I would like to think that he was in denial, that he never believed that Alex was that badly hurt but... but I think the truth is that at the time he really didn’t care.”

Jake ran his hands through his hair and stared into the fire. “I went to the hospital and Alex was... he was barely alive, hooked up to all kinds of equipment and unconscious. I sat with him all night and... and his boyfriend, Luke came and sat with me. We talked and cried and prayed. About four in the morning Alex woke up and the look on his face to see the two of us there together... He said he was sorry. Can you believe that?” There were tears glistening in his eyes as he looked at me and I felt very uncomfortable. I had just met this guy and he was telling me something so personal. I smiled and nodded all the same.

“He said he was sorry that he had caused so much trouble. Luke and I both hugged him and told him he was an idiot. He looked at us... he had these amazing eyes... not dark like mine but green like a cat... he looked at us and it was like he couldn’t believe that... that... He cried and said he loved us... both of us... and that he loved Dad too, even though... and then... and then he died. He was seventeen, so full of promise and he was gone.”

I looked down at the photograph, into the smiling face, thinking about the time I had spent in the hospital watching Daniel sleep, and he hadn’t even been that sick. Taking a deep breath Jake seemed to shake himself. He turned to me and smiled, taking back the photograph. “When I left the hospital I was spitting nails. I wanted to hurt someone, to make someone pay for what had happened. I went straight home and dragged my father out of bed. I was only nineteen but I was bigger and stronger than him already.

“I wanted to pound on his face, to make him pay for what he had done, but when I told him that Alex was dead he crumbled. I have never seen him cry like that before or since. He WANTED me to hurt him, to make him pay and I couldn’t do it.

“After that I moved out. I went to stay with Luke for a while and then got a place of my own. It was a dump. My father turned to drink and I turned to... other things. I was a complete mess. I went to hell for a couple of years... and then I met Kate. God knows how but she saw something in me, something worthy, something that only she could see.

“I had spent so many years pushing people away she had to work hard to get me to let her in but in the end she wormed her way under my skin and into my heart ... and she’s been there ever since.” After the anguished expression he had been wearing since the moment he started to speak, the smile that broke over his face at that moment was truly beautiful.

“She’s a very special person Josh. If she can’t get through to Daniel no one can. She is my life, my heart, my hope. What Daniel did for us... I could never hope to repay him. If I had lost her... if I had lost her too...” He shuddered and I thought he was going to cry but he didn’t. Instead he strode over to the cupboard and took out a bottle and two glasses.

“I know it’s a little early but I guess we are both going to need it. Me because of what is in my past... and you because of what you are about to face in your future.”

“Thanks.” Trembling slightly about the ominous tone of his words I took the glass and sipped the strong sweet whisky inside it. This was something that Daniel and I shared, a love for good whisky. It seemed that Jake shared it too because this was very good whisky.

When I heard footsteps coming down the stairs my ears pricked up. I could immediately tell that it was only one set and it sounded light, like a woman’s. I was instantly disappointed, even though it meant nothing. I looked up and caught Jake’s eyes and he smiled and nodded encouragingly.

I wanted to leap on Kate as soon as she came through the door, to demand that she let me see Daniel, no matter what he had said about it, but somehow I managed to restrain myself and just looked up trying to keep cool but knowing that every iota of my pain and fear showed in my eyes.

“It’s alright Josh. He wants to see you.”

There is no way to describe the way my heart soared at those words, no way to express the joy that burst in me. This was wonderful news, incredible. So why wasn’t she smiling.

“Josh he’s... he’s not doing so well. He’s agreed to see Sue and I am sure she can help him. She helps everyone. But right now he’s not good. Don’t expect...”

“I know. I know he won’t be the same. I know he’s been suffering and I don’t want to make him any worse.”

Kate grinned. “Make him worse? You? I know there’s no chance of that Josh. You’re such a sweet boy and so exactly what he needs. I only wish he realised that.”

“I can’t express how grateful I am for all you have done for Daniel, for us...”

“No need. It’s nothing to what he did for me...” she smiled up at Jake who put his huge arms around her. “For us.”

There was no longer any excuse to linger. I found that I was afraid. No, not afraid, terrified. My palms were sweating and I wiped them on my jeans as I climbed the stairs. The stairs seemed like an insurmountable mountain, and my breath grew shallow as I breathed the thin air. Half way up I stopped and gathered my thoughts. I couldn’t face Daniel a shuddering wreck, I owed him more than that.

What happened to him, everything that happened to him from that awful moment in my bedroom at home... at the place that used to be my home... was my fault, and now I had to put that right. Daniel was always the strong one, always the one who took the lead, who knew the answers. Now it was my turn. I couldn’t pretend to know all the answers, any of them but I had to make him think I did, to make him believe in me as I had always believed in him.

Taking a deep breath I started off again. Was it me or were those stairs getting steeper?

I was saved from the torment of having to open a closed door. Kate had left it open. When I got to the top of the stairs I could see it, the only open door; inviting, tempting, tormenting. With leaden steps and pounding heart I walked towards it and it took so long, so very long.

I saw him before I reached the doorway and stopped. The window was large pouring light into the room, illuminating the crumpled figure who sat on the floor beneath it. He was wearing a bath robe that was way too big for him. It swamped him and made him look small and frail. It must have been Jake’s. It was blue.

He had his eyes closed and his arms were crossed over his chest, hugging himself protectively as if trying to keep out the world. I hoped against hope that he would not keep me out, not any more. In that moment I didn’t care what came next, what I had to do to be strong for him, to be there for him. I knew it wouldn’t be hard, it wouldn’t be a chore; because he was Daniel, my Daniel, my beautiful Daniel and in that instant I would gladly have died for him.

Time had been progressing very slowly, dragging down on me with every step. It had taken an age to reach the top of the steps, eons to make it to the open door. But now it all came crashing back again and it took no time at all to take the few quick steps that brought me to his side. In a flash I was on the floor and he was in my arms.

For an instant he jumped, startled, a small ‘Oh’ escaping from his lips and he went stiff, cold against my body. And then he began to shake and suddenly his arms were around me and he was holding me more tightly than I was holding him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Josh. I... didn’t mean to... I didn’t want to push you away I just... I couldn’t... I can’t...”

“Hush you idiot. It’s alright. I understand and it’s alright. It’s all going to be alright now.”

I hugged him tighter and he groaned and winced against me. I tried to pull away, remembering what Kate had said he had been through and not wanting to hurt him but he wouldn’t let me, he just pulled me tighter.

I have no idea how long we sat there, arms around each other, Daniel shaking and sobbing on my shoulder. I didn’t cry, not then. I was damned well going to be strong for him if it killed me.

Finally the sobs subsided and Daniel’s body relaxed against me, feeling heavy as lead. I thought that he was falling asleep but I was in so much pain from my cramped position that I just couldn’t stand it any longer and even the thought of cradling him in my arms and watching him sleep wasn’t enough to stop me having to very gently disengage. This time he let me.

I was shocked when I looked at him properly for the first time. His face was bruised and swollen. I was not sure whether it was from the beating or the crying. The bath robe had fallen open and I could see more bruises on his body.

“Oh God Daniel. What have you been doing to yourself? Can’t I let you out of my sight for one minute without you getting yourself into some kind of trouble?”

He smiled. It was a pale, thin smile, only a shadow of his old one, but it was a smile, it was real. I buried my fingers in his hair, resting my palm against the side of his face and he closed his eyes, turning in to the caress. Very gently he kissed my wrist and sighed.

“You look worn out, and you feel cold. Come on, get into bed.” He stiffened and his eyes grew alarmed. “It’s alright. I won’t get in with you, not unless you want me to.”

For another moment he stared at me, still with that ‘frightened rabbit’ look on his face and then he smiled again, still a small, weak smile but a smile nevertheless. He nodded and covered my hand with his, holding tight as he got to his feet. It clearly hurt him but he wouldn’t let me help. That’s Daniel, stubborn to the last.

Wearily he crawled under the duvet, still wearing the bath robe. I didn’t say anything, although I would much rather he had ditched it. After tucking him under the covers I lay down next to him, on top of them. Propping my head on my hand I looked down at him and it felt comfortable, at least for me. He was lying on his back, one arm behind his head and the other at his side, on top of the covers. His eyes were closed.

I couldn’t help it. I mean I’m human for God’s sake... and it was DANIEL. I reached out and gently touched his face, stroking the soft skin of his cheek. He opened his eyes and stared at me blankly. I snatched back my hand.

“I’m sorry. I just... I couldn’t help myself. I love you Daniel.”

He was silent for so long that I started to get uncomfortable, slightly afraid that I had done the wrong thing, made him want to push me away again. Then, very slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, he raised his hand and touched my face, stroking my eyebrows, my forehead, my cheeks and my lips. I froze, my heart thundering at his touch.

Suddenly he reached behind my head and yanked it down, crushing my lips with his in the most hungry, desperate kiss I have ever experienced.

Caught by surprise I was off balance and could not stop myself falling onto him. He gasped with pain but did not release my lips even when I tried to pull away, to reposition myself so that I was not hurting him so much. He only tightened his grip and thrust his tongue into my mouth. After a moment of resistance caused only by my fear of hurting him, I relaxed and allowed him entry, surrendering myself to him utterly.

We didn’t go any further that kissing. I was terrified of hurting Daniel, physically and emotionally and he was emotionally and physically exhausted. I think he might have wanted to because once or twice his hand roamed down my back but it always roamed back up again and, in the end we just lay there, side by side, my head on his chest, his hand in my hair, his cheek resting on my head. I thought he had fallen asleep.

“Josh...”

“Hmm?”

“I... there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?” I didn’t want to move but there was something in his voice that commanded me to pay close attention and, more than that, to show him that I was doing it, so I raised myself up again and looked down at him. He brushed the hair out of my face and left his hand, lingering in my hair, his fingers making little circular movements that made me melt inside.

“I hurt myself.”

I smiled at him, almost laughed but caught myself at the serious expression on his face. “Yeah... I figured that one.”

He lowered his eyes and shook his head. “No. I mean I hurt myself, deliberately.”

“What? What do you mean?”

He closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again there was such a stark, wounded expression that I felt my eyes widen before I could stop myself. “Did Kate tell you what happened?”

“Only a thousand times. You’re her absolute hero you know. The way she tells it you were a cross between Spiderman and Jackie Chan.” I grinned but he did not return my smile, not even the slightest hint of one.

“After... when Kate had gone... “He paused and took a deep breath. “One of the men who attacked her broke a bottle and I... I fell on the sand and it cut my hand.”

“I noticed the bandage... by the way did you realise it’s bleeding again.”

He ignored me completely. He was too focused on remembering and on wanting to get it out. Brushing aside my comment he continued. “I picked up the glass and held it in my hand and... I don’t know why... I guess at that point I was feeling so low I wanted the pain... but I just squeezed it in my hand, driving it right into my palm, cutting my fingers.”

He looked up at me, his eyes very bright, almost fevered. Was he looking for shock, sympathy, approval? I shook my head. I couldn’t find any words to speak.

“Did it hurt?” He gave me an odd look and I didn’t blame him. It was a stupid thing to say but I had nothing, no words, nothing.

“Yeah, it hurt. It still hurts but... but that’s not all. I pulled the glass out of my hand and... and I... I was going to cut my wrist... I did cut it only... only not deep enough. I couldn’t cut it deep enough.”

“Oh my God. Daniel... No. Why?”

“Wait... Let me finish.” I nodded numbly, imaged of blood soaked sand and cold dead flesh spinning in my mind. “I couldn’t do it because... because when I tried... I just couldn’t stop thinking of you. I thought about how you would feel, how your face would look when they told you I was dead and I... I couldn’t. I would have... I really would have done it but... but I couldn’t do that to you.”

He was crying again and I laid aside my horror to take him in my arms, more gently than I had before and held him, his head pressed against my chest.

“It’s alright Daniel. It’s alright my love. You didn’t do it, that’s the main thing. You didn’t do it. You’re here with me. You’re safe.”

“Safe?” He laughed. “I’m not safe Josh... not safe at all.”

“Of course you are. You’re with me, with Kate and Jake. No one is going to hurt you here.”

“No one but myself.” He said it very quietly but the words chilled me. I held on tighter. I wanted to say so much, to tell him how much he meant to me, how strong he was, how special, how beautiful. I wanted to tell him how much he brought to my life and to all those around him. I wanted to tell him how we were all here for him, his friends, his family. I wanted to tell him how precious his life was, how sacred I held it. I wanted to tell him that we would be able to work through this, to find answers, to make everything alright. But I didn’t; I couldn’t. There were no words.

In a while Daniel stopped crying, stopped shaking, stopped. He lay very still, unresponsive as I held him and eventually I felt him relax. When I eventually drew back my head he was asleep, exhausted.

I lay there next to him for a very long time, just watching him breathe. I didn’t touch him, I didn’t dare. I knew I was out of my depth and I didn’t know what to do.

That was how Kate found us, goodness knows how much later. She crept into the room without knocking and stood at the side of the bed, outlined by the blazing afternoon sun through the window. She looked like an angel.

“How did it go?” Her words were very soft but they caused Daniel to stir and mutter in his sleep.

“He wore himself out.”

“Did he talk to you?”

“Kind of. Did you... did you know that... that he hurt himself on purpose?”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“The cut on his hand, his arm... he did it himself, under the pier... after you left. He... he wanted to die. He was going to...” I couldn’t say it. The very thought made me feel sick, physically sick.

“I think maybe we should talk. Can you get up without waking him?”

It turned out that I could, but only just. Before we left Kate drew the curtains across the window. They were heavy velvet ones and the room was immediately plunged into velvet darkness, shot through with little spears of sparkling light where there were tiny holes in the material.

Softly Kate drew me out of the room and, even more softly she closed the door.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know much more than what I have already said. He said that after you had gone he fell on the sand and the glass stuck in his hand. He... he squeezed it, driving the glass in because he wanted the pain. And then... and then he... he was going to...” My stomach heaved and I had to clamp my mouth shut and swallow hard or I would have thrown up.

“But he didn’t.”

“No, no he didn’t. He said that he didn’t do it because he was thinking about how upset I would be when I found out.”

“Then that’s good... isn’t it?”

“I... I don’t know... I... the way he said it... and then he said... I told him that he was safe now, that there was no one here who would hurt him... and he said... ‘except myself’ and there was just something in the way he said it...”

“Do you think he would? Do you really think that he might try to kill himself?”

“God Kate... if you had asked me that a couple of days ago I would have laughed in your face. Not Daniel. No way. Daniel is way too strong to do something stupid like that but... but... I don’t know. Now I’m not so sure. I’m not even sure that IS Daniel at all.”

“It’s Daniel Josh, have no doubt of that. It’s Daniel. He’s just buried deep at the moment.” She paused, thinking. “Look... go and stay with him. He might freak out if you’re gone when he wakes up. I had arranged for Sue to come over tomorrow to speak to Daniel: I’ll go and give her a call and see if she can come tonight.”

“Thank you, Kate. Thank you so much.”

“It’s nothing, really it isn’t. Even if Daniel hadn’t done what he did for me there is no way that I would not want to help him. He’s an incredible person. I want to see him whole again.”

“So do I.”

She kissed me lightly and turned away. “I know you do hun.”

As quietly as I could I slipped back into the room and closed the door.

“Josh?” Daniel’s voice startled me. It was soft, distant; he was still mostly asleep.

“I’m here. I had to go to the loo.”

“I’m cold.”

“Do you want me to see if I can find another blanket?”

“No. Hold me.”

Slowly and carefully I climbed under the duvet and slid down to lie next to him. He rolled over to face me and put his arm around my waist. My heart was pounding. His eyes were closed and I really think that he was pretty much asleep and acting on noting but instinct. I stroked his face and he sighed and snuggled closer, pressing himself against me, murmuring something incomprehensible. I pulled him tight against me and he curled into my chest. This time when he sighed it sounded like contentment and he relaxed into deep sleep again very quickly.

I wish that I could have slept but there was no chance of that. This is what I had been praying for, to have Daniel back in my arms... and yet... and yet... all I could feel was fear, all I could think of was what Daniel had said about hurting himself and what it would have been like for me without him. It was my greatest fear and it had never been more real, more pressing, which is strange... I had feared losing Daniel many times when he was missing and now he was here, breathing gently in my arms, smelling of soap and sunshine... the fear was more pressing than ever.

I tried to be positive, to think of a future where Daniel got well and strong again, a future where I did not have to live every waking moment in fear, watching him for signs that this would be the day he left me, in one way or another. I tried to believe that both Daniel and I were strong enough to weather this storm, to move past it and become stronger because of it. I tried hard, my best... but I failed on all counts. I was afraid, helpless, hopeless. I hated myself... for what my actions, my family had done to him, for the fact that I had not been able to help him and most of all because now, at the most important time of all I was utterly failing to be strong for him.

I had been so certain that, if only he opened up to me and let me in, I would be able to help him, that I would be able to make everything alright. Now it came to it nothing was that simple.

Eventually I exhausted myself and I felt myself slipping. I kissed Daniels hair and whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

Daniel murmured softly and tightened his hold. I finally fell asleep with his lips brushing my shoulder, his sweet breath tickling my skin.