Dangerous Liaisons - 13. Chapter 13

Daniel woke with a start, feeling completely disoriented. He was lying in a soft, warm bed in a room that was dark and cool. There were curtains pulled across the large windows but it was possible to see that, on the other side of them the sun was up and shining strongly enough to make patterns on parts of them that were thinner than the rest. In some places there were tiny holes in the dark material and the relentless rays were sneaking through, painting stripes on the darkness filled with spinning motes of glittering silver.

For a moment Daniel was mesmerised by the light show, then he stirred and the pain slammed in to him reminding him forcefully of the events of the previous twenty four hours. Blinking back tears he sighed and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the strange ceiling above him. He had not had time, the previous night, to look round the room as he had pretty much been unconscious the moment his battered body hit the bed.

When Jake had arrived at the promenade, he and Kate had had a hurried conversation and then bundled a very groggy Daniel into the car and taken him back to their house. Once inside they had guided him to the shower, turned on the hot water, handed him a bath robe which would have wrapped around him three times if he had wanted, and left him to it.

By the time he came out of the shower the house was filled with the glorious smells of home cooking and his stomach growled appreciation even before a single forkful met his lips. Despite the pain in just about every part of his body Daniel bestowed on his guests one of his glorious smiles and was a little surprised by their slack jawed response.

He had no way of knowing how something as simple as a shower and shave had transformed him from an ordinary, if rather good looking young man into the creature of awesome beauty that was his true state. Something about the cleansing touch of the warm water on his battered body had made him stand up straight again and there was something in the erectness of his bearing, the tilt of his chin, that transformed him.

“Er... You look better.”

“Better? Than what?”

“Er... you were... um... you were a little...”

“Man... you looked like a tramp.” Jake supplied with amusement in his voice. Daniel grinned at him and blushed slightly, lowering his head, the damp and slightly curling hair, now with vivid shades of turquoise among the black, fell over his face, hiding his embarrassment.

“Sit down. I’ll just dish up.”

Remembering something Daniel paused. “Um... I think there is something I need to take care of first.”

“What’s that? Do you need to call someone? You can use my phone.”

“Oh. No. It wasn’t that. It was this.” He held up his arm. He had wrapped a towel round it and it was already red. “I’m really sorry about the towel but it was either that or drip on the carpet.”

Kate dropped the ladle she was holding and raced to him, gently gripping his arm and steering him over to the kitchen table. “Fuck the towel,” she said as she gently but firmly pressed him down into a chair. “What the hell have you done?”

“One of the guys broke a bottle.”

Kate paled. “Oh shit, yeah. I forgot. I remember now... he was holding it when... when I...” She dropped her head, leaving Daniel confused.

“When you what?”

“When I ran out on you.” She almost whispered.

“Don’t be stupid. You didn’t run out on me. I got you out of there. What would have been the point of you staying around and getting back into the trouble I was getting you out of in the first place?” He frowned, working through the strangled grammar in his head and then smiled. After a moment Kate returned it and squeezed his fingers. He winced and suddenly she was in businesslike mode again.

“Jake, get the first aid box.”

Very gently Kate tugged away the folds of the towel. She gasped when she saw his injuries. The cut on his arm had more or less closed, although it was seeping slightly, but his hand was a mess. There was essentially a hole in the middle of his palm and three of his fingers were sliced deeply. She lifted a pale face to Daniel.

“I don’t know if I can deal with this. You should go to the hospital. I think you might need stitches.”

“No. I’m not going there. I... I don’t want to. It’ll be alright. Just stop the bleeding.” Kate stared doubtfully, first at the hand and then up at Daniel, then she shook her head.

“Alright. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll clean up your hand and won’t take you to the hospital... if you’ll tell me what’s going on with you.”

Feeling immediately defensive Daniel leaned back in the chair, away from her. “What do you mean?”

“I know there’s something wrong with you, I can see it in your eyes. Tell me about it and I’ll help you.”

Daniel scowled. “And if I don’t...?”

Kate regarded him thoughtfully for a while, her head tilted slightly to one side. Then she grinned. “I’ll help you anyway because that’s the kind of girl I am.” Daniel couldn’t help but respond to her warmth and before he knew it he was nodding and then the words just slipped out...

“Alright. I’ll tell you.”

“Not now. Later, after we’ve sorted this out and you’ve eaten.”

By the time Kate had probed, cleaned and bound Daniel’s hand and arm he was pale and shaking and he was not able to fully appreciate the tasty meal Kate placed in front of him. Although he grateful accepted the wine she poured into his glad he pretty much pushed his food around on his plate for half an hour and managed to actually eat no more than a few forkfuls. Although it tasted good and he had not eaten properly in days, and not at all for more than 24 hours, the food hit his stomach like hot ash and made him feel sick.

In the end Kate had taken the plate from in front of him and steered him into the other room. Despite his protests she tucked him up on the sofa with a mound of cushions behind his back and a soft rug wrapped around his legs. She and Jake curled up in each other’s arms in front of the fire, which was a real one that Jake had built up while Daniel was in the shower.

“Alright. Talk.” And talk he did. Somehow the wine, the flickering flames and the warmth loosened his tongue and opened up the places inside he had locked down so tightly for so long. Speaking to strangers was easier than he had expected, easier than speaking to friends and it all came tumbling out.

By the time he finished he was exhausted, tears streaming down his face, and shaking so badly he couldn’t hold his glass which had been tactfully taken from his hand and placed on a nearby table. At some point both Kate and Jake had moved closer and now had their arms around him and he suddenly found that he felt safe, in a way he had not done since that fateful night by the river.

Resting his head against Jake’s massive chest, with Kate’s hand stroking his hair he closed his eyes and wept. This time it was a cleansing kind of weeping and it felt as if a wound had been lanced and all the poison was flowing from him, leaving him feeling clean and empty in a peaceful kind of way. He almost fell asleep, right there and then.

“I don’t know what to say to you Daniel. What happened to you... it was... it was awful. I can’t believe that anyone would do something like that. I just...” She raised her head and looked him in the eyes while she took his face between her hands. “You can beat this Daniel. I don’t know how I know it... I mean I hardly know you but... there’s a strength in you that I can feel so clearly. It... sometimes when people are strong, really strong... when something comes along they can’t easily deal with they... well they break.”

Her eyes shining with love Kate looked up at Jake who smiled back with the gentlest look on his face. “Jake’s like that. He’s the strong silent type and... well when things go wrong he copes... he just does it, no fuss, no hassle... he just gets on with it... fixes is. But sometimes there are things he just can’t fix, and when that happens the poor thing goes to pieces.

“There has never been anything that we have had to cope with that has been nearly as bad as what you’ve been through but I’ve seen the way that Jake copes... or doesn’t cope when he can’t act, when he’s helpless. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it floors him. And that’s what happened to you. You felt helpless, that you couldn’t do anything, couldn’t fix it and you broke. That doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed.”

Daniel looked alarmed. “You make me sound like a dog who is about to be neutered.”

Katie laughed and shook her head. “What I’m trying to say is that you will be alright Daniel. I know you will. You should ring Josh.”

Daniel jerked backwards, reflexively shaking his head. “No. I... I can’t... I can’t speak to him yet. I can’t... He... he’s so... so... he...”

“Woah. Calm down. Where has all this come from? There you were, so suave, so sophisticated, so... mysterious. And all of a sudden you’re a blabbering idiot. Why don’t you want to speak to Josh? Do you love him?”

Daniel looked surprised at the question and frowned for a moment and then the most beautiful smile Kate had ever seen broke over his face taking her by surprise and shocking the hell out of her. “Do I love him? Oh Gods yes, yes I love him. He’s my life, the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Then what on earth is the problem?”

“I don’t...” He sighed. “I’m a mess, a complete mess. I can’t... I’m not myself and I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Man... you’re making a huge mistake. For better or worse dude.” Daniel was so surprised to hear this coming from the terse and hulking Jake that he stared up at him, his mouth agape. Jake grinned.

“A... alright... tomorrow. I... I’ll speak to Josh tomorrow but...”

“No buts. You need him... and he needs you. Can you imagine how he must be feeling?”

The gnawing, uneasy sensation that had been with Daniel constantly resolved itself into a feeling of intense guilt. Yes, he could imagine. He could imagine very well. He could imagine Josh, his face swollen and wet with tears, in Charlie’s arms, pressed against his soft shoulder with Charlie awkwardly patting his back. He could imagine him in the Charlie’s spare room touching his stuff, lying on the bed to breathe in his scent. He knew Josh... he knew him very well and he could imagine far too much.

“I... can’t face him now. I can’t. Tomorrow...”

“Whatever you feel. Don’t leave it too long though. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.”

“I know. It’s already... it feels... it feels too hard.”

Kate threw her arms around him and he winced, sucking in his breath sharply. Kate drew away. “I’m sorry sweetheart. I forgot you’re hurt. Are you feeling okay?”

“Am I feeling okay?” He parroted numbly. “I... No, actually. I feel... I...” He closed his eyes and swallowed, shivering. “I fee like I’m skating on thin ice and there’s cracks everywhere I look. I feel like I’m losing myself and I feel...” He opened his eyes and looked at Kate. “I’m not making much sense, not even to myself. My... my body hurts so bad and... my mind hurts even more. I’m sorry.” Tears burned his eyes and began to spill down his cheeks again. Kate stroked his cheek.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing to feel sorry about. You’ve been through a lot. Don't be so hard on yourself.”

Suddenly he was exhausted... too tired to respond, too tired to think, too tired to speak. He nodded weakly and let his head sink back onto the pillows. Kate’s hand on his cheek was cool and soothing, Jake’s arms around him were strong and comforting and suddenly he felt a strange sense of disassociation. Whether it was the wine lying on an empty stomach, lack of food, reaction to all that had happened or just the fact that, for the first time in a long time he was feeling calm and safe, he felt as though he was rising out of his body, letting the earth fall away beneath him and looking around with clear eyes.

Sighing deeply Daniel let go.

“Daniel? Daniel are you okay? What’s going on? What’s...”

Blinking open his eyes Daniel stared into Kate’s worried face. “What? What...?”

“You zoned out there. Are you okay?”

“I... Yeah. I’m just... sleepy. I...”

“Of course you are sweetheart. Come on. You can take our bed. Jake and I will sleep in the spare room.”

“Oh no... I couldn’t...”

“Shut up and get your ass to bed. You need it more than we do.”

Stiffly Daniel climbed to his feet unwilling to admit how much it hurt. Clutching the bathrobe around him he staggered and would have fallen if Jake hadn’t been there to steady him.

“Woah there. Let me help you.”

“No I... I’m okay. I’m...” He pulled away from Jake who, fortunately did not completely release him and was in a position to catch him when his knees buckled and swept him up easily into his arms.

“It doesn’t take much to sweep you off your feet does it tiger?” Groggily Daniel let his had fall back and stared up at Jake with dazed eyes. “It’s not weakness to ask for help when you need it. No one can be strong all the time.”

Daniel opened his mouth to respond but a wave of sucking dizziness overwhelmed him and he turned his face in to the strong, safe chest and closed his eyes. Jake carried him in to the bedroom and Kate fussed around him, tucking him in. He tried to thank them but he was utterly exhausted and before he could say a word he sank into the soft pillows, a cloud like duvet soft against his cheek, and that was the last he knew.

And now he was waking up having no idea how long he had been asleep. It had been mid afternoon when he fell asleep and now the sun was up but he had no idea whether that was ‘still’ or ‘again’.

Stretching carefully he groaned at the dull ache in his stomach and ribs and the sharper pain in his hand and arm. Flexing his fingers he almost gasped at the sickening pain. Oh well... he could hardly complain given that this particular wound was entirely self inflicted.

After savouring the cool softness for a while he realised two things. Firstly he really needed the bathroom and secondly he was ravenously hungry. Groaning he pushed back the duvet and hauled himself to a sitting position on the edge of the bed, hugging his complaining ribs. It was not so much painful as sore hauling himself to his feet. He no longer felt dizzy but he was light headed from hunger and the half dozen steps from the bed to the window felt as though he were walking six inches above the ground.

Throwing back the curtains Daniel could see that the sun was fairly low but rising, so it was morning, fairly early. He wondered if Jake and Kate were up. Suddenly realising, to his acute embarrassment that he was naked he looked around for the robe he had worn the day before. It was pooled on the floor at the side of the bed. Picking it up he held it against him. It was soft but cold. It made Daniel shiver and he realised that he was cold, inside and out. The raging hot anger that had been burning inside him for days was gone, replaced by an empty coldness that gnawed at him and chilled him to the bone. He felt numb... but only on the inside. On the outside he hurt... he hurt a lot.

Wrapping the robe around him he headed for the bathroom and stood for a long time under the shower, turning it up higher and higher as his skin became more tolerant of the heat. Steam hissed and spat filling the cubicle and blinding him. Even in the midst of it he shivered.

Stiffly he rubbed soap into his body wincing as every inch of it seemed to hurt. Running his hand over his ribs he winced again and sagged against the wall just letting the hot water pour over him like a waterfall. Even though it was turning his skin red it was not warming him, not on the inside. Closing his eyes he pictured Josh’s face, twisted with anguish, as it had been the last time he had seen it.

Groaning he tried to picture it in better times, smiling, laughing, crying tears of joy. He pictured it the first time their eyes had met, the first time they kissed, the first time... the first time... He sighed and let his head fall forwards, dripping curtains of vivid blue and black shutting him away in his own private hell. What if... what if...?

In the end he turned off the water and stepped out of the cubicle impatiently. He was not used to feeling so helpless and frustrated. That was why he had fallen into this depression in the first place. It was mostly because of the anger, the frustrated anger. Daniel Owen was strong, Daniel Owen coped, Daniel Owen always, but always found a way. Only this time he wasn’t strong, this time he hadn’t coped, this time there was no answer and it made him so angry... with himself, with the bastard who had caused this... with the world, and that included Josh. He wasn’t proud of himself for hurting Josh, for pushing him away but there really hadn’t been anything he could do about it, it just happened.

He had thought that he and Josh would be together forever, that he would always be there to look after him, to protect him, to take care of him, but the way this was going he couldn’t even take care of himself let alone anyone else.

Daniel sighed and stared at himself in the mirror. The usually steady blue eyes were shadowed and dull. His face was pale and there was a bruise on one cheek. He raised his hand to touch it. He couldn’t remember getting it. He sighed. He had looked at his reflection many times and it had always made him smile... not just because he liked what he saw, he wasn’t that vain... no, it was more because the eyes had always smiled at him, always told him that no matter what was going on, no matter how difficult things were in the outside world, in the world of the mirror everything was alright, Daniel Owen was alright. But this time nothing was right.

Impatient again he pushed the hair out of his eyes and scrubbed at his teeth with the new toothbrush Kate had given him the day before. He had to admit that, after more than a week of letting himself go it felt good to be clean again. Now if he could only find a cigarette...

As he walked back to the bedroom he heard voices from downstairs and reasoned that Kate and Jake must be up. He toyed with the idea of going down but instead went back into the bedroom and closed the door. The sun was a little higher and sending warmth and light pouring into the room. Daniel went to stand in front of the large window, bathing in them both.

He wanted to believe that today would bring some relief, some release, some conclusion but he had no faith left that any of those things were any longer possible. He thought of Josh again and the aching, empty space within vibrated with longing. He could almost imagine that he could see Josh’s face, feel his breath on his neck, his arms around him, their lips pressed together, their hearts beating as one and suddenly it hurt, the separation, the distance, hurt.

Falling to his knees Daniel rested his arms against the window sill and pressed his forehead against them. Ignoring the pain in his bitterly complaining body he gave himself up to grief and sobbed, tears pouring down his face, filling the emptiness inside, drowning him with sorrow and fear and pain.

He was still in the same place, the same position, but silent and still when Kate knocked gently on the door almost an hour later. He didn’t stir when she opened the door, or when she walked softly across the floor, although he heard her. He didn’t move when she laid a small soft hand on his hair or when she knelt down and put her arms around him.

For a good fifteen minutes they both remained immobile, Daniel with his head pressed against the windowsill, Kate with hers resting on his back. She could feel him trembling, feel the shuddering of his breath, almost feel the pain radiating from him like the heat of the sun that fell on them both.

“Daniel...”

As though the sound of her voice unlocked something within him he sagged and turned, slipping sideways so he was half sitting on her lap, resting his head on her shoulder. She stroked his hair and felt the heat of his sorrow.

“It’s alright Daniel. It’s going to be alright, I promise.”

He almost laughed. How could she possibly know that? No one could know that. But she cared enough to say it, to want it.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I know. But...” She gently pushed him away from her so that she could look into his face. “I can help you Daniel. At least I know someone who can help you... only... only you have to want to help yourself. You have to be prepared to fight. I know you’re tired, and I know you’re hurting but... Will you fight Daniel? Will you face this and fight it?”

For a moment he knew blind panic. The thought of facing that pain again. The thought of feeling it and facing the fact that he couldn’t escape it... He shuddered and closed his eyes. The only thing he could see was Josh’s face.

“Yes. I have to. I... Josh...”

“Josh? You love him very much don’t you?”

Daniel frowned at her. She was very serious, very sincere. In many ways she was completely unlike Josh yet there was something in her, something sweet and untouched and earnest that reminded him of Josh very strongly.

“Yes, yes I do. I do love him... very much.”

“Does it hurt you that all this is causing him so much pain?”

He frowned again, puzzled. “I... yes. Of course it does. Of course it hurts me that I am hurting him and there is nothing I can do to stop it.”

“Is that why you are pushing him away? So that you won’t cause him any more pain?”

“I... I don’t know.” And he didn’t know. All he knew was that he could not bear to see Josh, to see the concern, the helplessness, the pain. “Yes. I suppose. I... He wants to help me. He loves me and he truly believes that we can beat this thing together. He wants to heal me and he can’t. I don’t want to see that realisation dawn in his eyes. I don’t want to feel like a failure every time he tries and fails.”

“So you push him away. Because you can't bear his failure... even before you give him a chance. How do you know he will fail? That you, together, will fail. Daniel, Josh loves you, it’s breaking his heart that you won’t let him in, won’t let him try to help you.” Daniel opened his mouth to tell her ... what? To say that she didn’t understand... but the look in her eyes clearly said that she did. To say that she knew nothing of his situation or his relationship with Josh... that was a given but... but there was something... something.

“Don’t fight us Daniel, those who care about you. You have enough to fight against as it is. Don’t fight yourself and don’t fight your friends. Let us in, all of us. Will you do that?”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You’re afraid, I know that. I can see that. Hell I can feel it radiating from you like a fever. I know that you are afraid but it’s the fear that’s hurting you, can’t you see that? You are afraid of so many things, past, present, future. Please let go of the fear. I know you’re not a coward Daniel. I haven’t known you for long but I know you are not a coward. I have seen with my own eyes how brave you are and I think that is part of your problem. You feel that you should be able to deal with this thing. You feel that your helplessness is weakness and weakness is hard for someone as strong as you to deal with.

“But it isn’t weakness to ask for help, or to accept it. Even the strongest reach a point where they can’t go on alone, when they need someone to take their burdens for a while, to show them the way. You’re not weak Daniel. You’re not helpless. There are people who can help you. Me, Jake, Josh... there are many people who can help you, who want to help you, who are desperate to help you. Please let us in.”

Daniel stared at her, his whole being in turmoil, twisting with pain. He wanted to believe her, to believe that what she said was true. He wanted it more than anything. He wanted it with ever atom of his being. But he feared it too, feared it more than he had ever feared anything. He couldn’t have said, in that moment, what it was he feared but he was more afraid than he had ever been.

Thoughts and emotions tore through him pulling him first in one direction and then another, buffeting him and beating at him until he was exhausted. Finally he slumped, the pain in his soul and his body wearying him beyond endurance.

Kate took him in her arms, shocked by the violence of his shaking. His teeth were chattering and he was crying, but softly, having no more strength for sobs. She stroked his hair and soothed him, like a mother cradling a child.

“Hush now. It’s alright. I said I was going to help you and I am. We all are. I have a friend. She is a counsellor and she specialises in cases like yours. I have called her and she said she will help you. Will you let her?”

“I’ve been to see a counsellor. He didn’t help. He only made it worse.”

“I can believe that. Some counsellors are better than others and you need to see someone who knows how to deal with your particular problem. Sue often sees people who come from other counsellors who have made things worse for them. She is a great person and a great counsellor. Will you at least give her a chance?”

Daniel no longer had the energy to fight her and so he simply nodded and sighed. “Alright. I’ll try.”

“That’s fantastic. I hope you don’t mind but I have already set up an appointment for you tomorrow. She’s going to come here to see you.”

“Here but... Kate I am really grateful to you but I can’t stay here.”

“Why not?”

“I... it's not right. It's too much.”

“Nothing can be too much for you Daniel. You saved me and now I want to save you. You can stay here as long as you like only...” she paused and bit her lip. Daniel frowned, wondering what was coming. His head was spinning already from what she had done, what she was doing for him.

“I hope you don’t get too mad with me but...” She looked guilty about something and it made Daniel distinctly uneasy. “After what you said yesterday, the way you talked about Josh. I thought that... I thought that it would be cruel to leave him wondering. I thought that he must have been so worried about you, not knowing where you were, what was happening to you.”

Daniel’s eyes widened and he pulled away from her, his heart pounding. “What have you done?”

“I... you left your phone... his number was in there and I... I’m sorry if it upsets you Daniel but it just wasn’t right... I... I called him and...”

“You did what?” Anger flooded him and fear too, terror so acute it left him breathless. He wanted to scream at her, to tear at her to... to... There was fear in her eyes, not fear of him but fear that she had hurt him and suddenly the anger drained away. He had seen that look before. Totally exhausted he sank back against the wall and closed his eyes.

“I called him Daniel. He was so... He has been so terribly worried about you... frantic. He was so glad to know you’re alright.”

Daniel nodded, unable to speak. He was still shivering. He didn’t open his eyes, didn’t look at her.

“Daniel...” He could hear it in her voice. Something she was afraid to say, that she was holding back. He didn’t care. “Daniel... Josh is here.” His eyes snapped open and he stared at her, beyond emotion.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to see him. He just wants to know you’re okay.”

“Okay? I’m not okay.”

“I know. I know you’re not... but you will be. I know you will. Josh is frantic. He’s so worried. He loves you so much and he wants to help you. He... he said that he will do anything you want. Stay. Go. Anything. I think you should... no... no it isn’t for me to say. It’s up to you Daniel. It’s completely up to you.”

“Tell him to go. I can't face him. I can’t... I can’t ...”

Kate sighed, her eyes disappointed but she smiled and reached out to touch his hair, to brush it out of his face, to stroke his cheek. He closed his eyes again, barely feeling her touch. Josh was here. He was here. Josh was close, close enough to touch, to hold, to...

Kate got to her feet and, with his eyes still closed he listened as she walked across the room and opened the door. He heard her pause.

“Kate.”

“Yes?” He heard the hope in her voice. Let them in she had said. Let them help. Maybe if... maybe... “”I do want to see him.”