Dangerous Liaisons - 10. Chapter 10

Daniel refused to talk to me, that day or any other day. All he would say was that something had happened to him and that every time I touched his belly it hurt, it hurt a lot. Eventually we had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, Daniel first from sheer exhaustion and me hours later, still stroking his hair, still whispering to him, still scared, still hurting, and still weeping.

The next day we had tried again, and again, and again, with the same results. There were no more tears, other than of anger and frustration and Daniel pushed himself over and over again, cursing, swearing and crying out in rage and pain until we were both utterly exhausted and I begged him to stop because I just couldn’t bear it any more. He had stared at me with flat eyes, his pain raw and evident in every line of his body.

I tried to talk to him, to get him to tell me about what had happened, to talk about what he was feeling, to discuss ways of dealing with it, but he closed up like a clam shell and eventually rolled away from me and got up to take a shower.

When he came back he looked sad but calm and oh so pale. He asked me to leave and although I begged him to open up to me, to just talk; and although he knew I was hurt by it, he quietly insisted, promising me nothing. And that was that. I went home, cried until I was exhausted and cursed the Rev Shaw to the pits of hell and my parents with him.

When, after two days I had heard nothing from Daniel, when he had ignored all my texts, returned none of my calls, answered none of my messages and no one answered the door when I called round, I telephoned his parents. At first I felt somehow disloyal but when I heard the gravity in his father’s voice as I explained what had happened I began to feel that I had done the right thing and, in fact, that I should have done it a lot sooner.

Two more days of silence and unbearable stress later I had a visitor; Daniel’s father.

“I wanted to thank you Josh. You have no idea what it means to me that you contacted me and told me what was going on. Daniel never would have.”

“Is he alright?”

“No, I’m afraid he isn’t, not by a long way. I don’t know what happened to him in that place, he won’t talk about it, maybe he can’t, but whatever it was has done some damage. It seems that, by whatever means and knowing Daniel it had to have been a drastic one, a subliminal command was implanted in his mind that triggers whenever anyone touches him in certain places during... intimate moments, causing him unbearable pain.

“He won’t talk about it. He feels... he feels angry, frustrated. He has always been so strong, so independent and it is hurting him as much that he can't break through the conditioning as it is to experience it. Daniel has always been strong and now he feels that it is weak to be controlled in this way. It is very damaging. I am worried for him, very worried. He is becoming more and more withdrawn and angry, I don’t know what to do, what to say to him.”

“Is there anything I can do? Can I see him, speak to him?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way Josh, but he doesn’t want to see you. It isn’t that his feelings for you have changed in any way. It’s just... it’s just that he feels helpless, out of control and that is so alien for him, he doesn’t know how to deal with it, how to face it and he doesn’t want you to see him in that state.”

“But I love him. I want to be with him, to help him. I don’t care if he’s weak. Doesn’t he realise that everyone is weak sometimes? Everyone falls down. I want to help pick him up again.”

“I know. And I am sure he will realise that, soon. But right now he just can’t cope with seeing you, not feeling like he does.”

“I... don’t understand. Why is he shutting me out like this?”

“He isn’t doing it deliberately Josh. It’s just that he’s hurting so much he can’t think of anyone else but himself at the moment. It’s selfish, I know but it’s how he’s coping ... or not coping. His mother and I want him to come home but he won’t think of it.

“He doesn’t know it yet but I have arranged an appointment for him to go and see a psychologist tomorrow, someone who specialises in this kind of case. I am hoping that he will help him open up a little, at least come to realise that it is not weakness that is causing this problem and that with patience and help he can overcome it.

“Maybe after the appointment... maybe then... I’ll talk to him, to the doctor... I know it’s hard Josh and I know it’s not fair but... I’m worried about my son and I don’t want anything to... I’m sorry.”

He looked exhausted, defeated. I wanted to rage at him, to scream that this just wasn’t fair, that I hadn’t done anything so why was Daniel punishing me? I wanted to say that I was angry with him for hurting me like this; that I wanted to tell him how angry I was; that I was hurting too; that he wasn’t being fair. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just hung my head to hide the tears and nodded helplessly.

“When is the appointment?”

“Two o’clock. Josh... don’t be too... Don’t put too much hope on tomorrow. This could take time, maybe a lot of time.”

“I know.” My voice was tiny. I couldn’t hide the tears any more. Mr Owen took me in his arms and cradled my head against his shoulder, as if I was his son. There was no awkwardness as there would have been if it had been my father. It felt natural and comforting.

“I wish Daniel could let go like this. I am sure it would be so much easier if he would rage and cry and talk and just let it out... but it isn't his way. He has shut up tight and I am afraid, Josh. I am so afraid for him.”

Shockingly I realised that Mr Owen was crying too and for a while we held each other, lost in a nameless fear, a shadow hanging over us, its long fingers closed around our hearts.

“This is worse than when I didn’t know where he was. At least then... at least then I could believe that when we found him it would be alright... he would be alright. I knew that... that when he came back... I thought I knew.”

“He will come back Josh. I promise I will do whatever it takes to bring him back.”

“I hope so.”

“He had faith in you Josh; when he was in their hands, he had faith that you would rescue him. Try and have faith in him now, that he will be able to rescue himself.”

“I’ll try.”

“Good boy. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

After he had gone I cried some more and eventually fell asleep cuddling up to one of Daniel’s jumpers that he had left at my house at some time, just to smell his scent, to feel that he was close to me.

I slept badly and the following day I was restless and couldn’t settle to anything. My housemates kept out of my way and I dragged a black cloud with me wherever I went. I tried to sit through lectures. I tried to work on projects. I tried to talk, to smile, to eat but I was just going through the motions, whiling away time until two o’clock.

It came. It went. I tried to work out how long the appointment would be for, how long it would take to drive back, how long Mr Owen would take talking to Daniel afterwards... I counted the minutes carefully and they flew by. They passed and then doubled and then tripled and the whole day passed and there was nothing but silence.

I gave up any pretence of trying to work, or to speak, or to concentrate on anything. I went for a walk and my feet led me obviously, inexorably, towards Daniel’s house. The curtains were closed, the light was on downstairs but everything else was in darkness and Mr Owen’s car wasn’t there. The temptation to knock was great but I resisted and turned away. As I did so, almost I thought for a moment, as a reward for my fortitude my mobile rang and it was Daniel’s number.

“Daniel?”

“No. It’s me, Mr Owen. Can I take it by your question that Daniel is not with you?”

His voice sounded strange, tight and strained.

“What do you mean?”

“Is he with you Josh?”

“No. Of course he isn’t... I mean... I thought he was with you. What’s happened?”

“I took Daniel to the doctor this afternoon and I had to go and pick up some things. The doctor said he would be at least an hour and I was gone about forty five minutes. When I got back the place was in uproar. Apparently Daniel had a major freak out and just walked out. No one’s seen him since.”

“Oh my God. What... I mean what happened?”

“The doctor didn’t go into too much detail. He did say that he is very worried about Daniel... about his state of mind. I have been searching everywhere. I wandered the streets around the doctor’s office for hours. I have rung his house, his friends even his mother, although I didn’t want to worry her. He left everything... his wallet, his keys, his phone... they were all in his coat and he left it in the office. He has no money, no clothes, nothing. Where would he go?”

“I... don’t know. I would have liked to think he would come to me but I haven’t seen him.”

“Where are you now?”

“I’m... taking a walk. I couldn’t bear to be inside any more thinking waiting.”

“Please go home Josh. Just in case... in case he comes to you, or contacts you.”

“Of course... I’m on my way.”

I had never heard Mr Owen sound so... frantic, so un composed, not even when Daniel was missing. It scared me.

“You don’t... you don’t think he...? He isn’t going to...?”

“Josh. I thought I knew my son... I thought that I could have given an absolute no to that question without a second thought but... the truth is, I don’t know. The doctor more or less told me that he thought Daniel was capable of anything just now. He’s... not himself, not himself at all.

“Look... try not to worry Josh. At the end of the day Daniel is still Daniel. He’s strong. He can do this. He can find a way. Maybe he... maybe he just needs a little time. I will carry on looking for him everywhere I can think of. I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”

I practically ran the rest of the way home, half convinced that I would find him there, but I didn’t. He didn’t come to me that night, or the next, or the next.

On the third day his father went home. There was still no news. The police had called to speak to me. Mr Owen had reported Daniel missing and they were searching for him... again. I found out from them that they had taken incriminating statement s from seven ‘residents’ at Rev Shaw’s ‘facility’ and that they had enough evidence to put the Rev away for a very long time without any testimony from Daniel. Therefore they didn’t think that this was anything to do with him, that he had arranged for Daniel to be taken again.

Until that moment I hadn’t even thought it a possibility, afterwards it was all I could think of. What if? What if? What if?

There was nothing anyone could say, nothing anyone could do so they all stayed away from me. I took to wandering morosely down by the river and then suddenly getting gripped with the certainty that Daniel was at my house, waiting, looking for me and running back in a mad panic only to collapse in tears when there was still no word. I began to doubt that my own sanity would survive much more.

I raged against the unfairness of it all, against my parents, against the church and, most of all against the monster who had been responsible for doing this to my precious, beautiful Daniel. I even though about trying to arrange to visit him in prison, to ask him why, what he had done, how I could undo it... I even mentioned it to my friends but they fortunately talked me out of it.

It was about four o’clock on a Saturday afternoon, more than a week after Daniel disappeared, when my phone rang and I answered it to an unfamiliar number. By this stage I was so deep in depression myself I couldn’t have cared less who it was... well unless, of course it had been Daniel, which it wasn’t.

The voice which hesitantly queried, “Joshua?” was adult, male and vaguely familiar, although it did nothing to raise my spirits, not at that point.

“Yes. Who’s that?”

“I don’t know if you remember me Joshua. My name is Charles Mortimer, Charlie...”

“I’m sorry I...”

“Daniel’s friend.”

“Oh right.” I still wasn’t particularly interested. It was a nice surprise to hear from Charlie, at least it would have been if... No doubt he would be ringing for news, news I didn’t have, reassurance I couldn’t give. I almost hung up.

“I don’t know if I am doing the right thing here. I... Daniel will kill me but...”

Instantly my metaphorical ears pricked up and I sat bolt upright. “Daniel? Have you spoken to him? Do you know where he is?”

“Yes. I... I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone but... I thought I could deal with it. I thought I could help him but... Josh he’s in a terrible state. I’m truly worried about him. I’m scared he is going to hurt himself or... or do something even more stupid. I... thought about calling his father but I thought...”

“No... you did the right thing. I’ve been going crazy here Charlie. I’m so glad, so grateful you called. Where is he? Please tell me... please.”

“He... he’s here, with me.” My heart was beating so fast and hard that I thought for a moment I was going to faint. It took me a moment to process what I had been told. At last... at last I knew where he was and he was with Charlie, he was safe.

“Can I...? Can I come? Can I see him?”

“He doesn’t want to see anyone. No... he doesn’t want anyone to see him. He’s a mess Josh, a real mess. But I... I don’t think he can do this on his own. He’s falling and I can’t catch him. Maybe you can. I would consider it a favour to me... and I am sure that Daniel will eventually consider it a favour too, if you would come.”

“Give me your address. I’ll leave right now.”

“Thank you Josh. I knew I was doing the right thing calling you.” The relief in his voice was palpable and I was suddenly very excited. I was going to see Daniel again. At last I was going to see him and I was going to make it all alright again. I wasn’t sure how but I was sure that it would be alright.

After shoving a few things in a bag I scribbled a note for my housemates and grabbed the car keys. Within half an hour I was on the road and heading south.

It seemed to take for ever. I was in a fever of excitement and nervousness by the time I got there. Fortunately I remembered where Charlie lived and found it pretty easily. I parked the car and just sat there staring at the door for a while. Daniel was here, on the other side of the door. I was scared and excited and strangely sad. After a while I got out of the car and started the long, long walk to the door, about 50 yards away.

The instant the door opened I was enveloped in a menthol scented hug. Charlie had a liking for these cough sweets that made him smell like medicine. It could be overpowering on occasion.

Pulling back I looked at him and was shocked. He looked awful. His usually immaculate white hair was tousled as though he had been running his hands through it a lot, and there were dark shadows under bloodshot eyes. He had clearly not been getting much sleep for a while.

“Where is he?”

“In his room. I am so glad you came, Joshua. I know it’s a lot to ask of you but I am at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do with him. I have never seen him like this before; I have never seen anyone like this before. He won’t talk, he barely eats, he’s smoking like a chimney... mostly mine, I think he’s taking drugs and he never showers. He’s always been so... contained, and I suppose in a way he still is but in a bad way. He hardly comes out of his room and then it is just to go out.

“He’s freaking me out Josh. I feel like he’s slipping away, dying on the inside and I have this terrible feeling that one day I will go in there and there will be nothing left of him but an empty shell.”

“Isn’t that a bit dramatic?”

Charlie chuckled and scratched his stubble... I noticed it for the first time. Being a female impersonator Charlie doesn’t HAVE stubble. “Usually when someone asks me that question I am obliged to agree but... this time? I don’t know Josh. It’s bad. It’s really bad.”

“Okay. I had better go see him then, because I have to admit that I am getting scared now.”

“I’m sorry Josh, I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just... it’s just... Well, you know how it is with me and Daniel. I thought... I thought that I could bring him through this, at least until he got his head sorted out enough to get professional help but... but I can’t. I am officially accepting defeat. I just hope that you have better luck.”

“Luck? Is that what it’s down to?” Charlie smiled sadly and shook his head.

“If you need anything yell. You know the way. It’s the room you had before.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

Charlie’s house was... unique. Colour was everywhere, along with glitter and lace and ... stuff. Some of his favourite costumes were displayed on mannequins and they gave the whole room the feel of a very expensive dressing room. The look carried over into the bathroom with its enormous mirror surrounded by lights and the bedrooms, even the spare one where Daniel and I had stayed when we came to visit.

Stepping over mounds of material and feathers in shades of lavender and pink, which appeared to be the first stages of a new costume I made my way over to the stairs and climbed with a sinking heart. If Charlie, of all people, was despairing, what hope did I have?

Outside the door I paused, my hand raised, wondering whether to knock. I had the feeling that if I did I wouldn’t get a reply so I didn’t. I opened the door and walked right in.

The room was dark. Heavy curtains were pulled across the window and, at first I could see very little. It also stank. The air was rank with the overpowering reek of cannabis, tobacco, alcohol and stale body odour. That was so unlike Daniel who was always very particular that it made my heart thunder.

As my eyes got used to the darkness I made out a bed and mounds of clothes and a hunched figure huddled on the floor with their back against the bed.

“Daniel?”

My throat was constricted with emotion and it came out very softly, therefore it was no surprise that it elicited no response. Leaving the door open so I would have some light to see by I picked my way across the floor and sank down next to Daniel. He looked awful. His glorious hair was lank and dirty, plastered to his head and he had the beginnings of a beard. I had never seen him with so much as stubble before and it shocked me.

Despite all of this he was still so beautiful, even more so since I had been missing him so much, and had been so afraid for him, that I couldn’t help but reach out and touch him. I stroked his cheek and he sighed, turning towards me. It was hard to bury my hand in his hair because it didn’t feel nice any more. It felt dirty and tangled and unlike itself. Daniel was unlike himself, but he was still Daniel.

“Daniel.”

For a moment he remained motionless, his eyes closed and then he stirred and his eyes flickered and opened. Even in the grimy darkness I was shocked, as I always have been by the vivid colour. As our eyes met I felt a spark of electricity and, unbelievably it seemed that Daniel felt it too. Sleepily he smiled and reached out for me. My heart leaped.

And then, after the first bleary, sleepy, confused moments reality slammed home and Daniel dropped his hand, his eyes turning hard and cold.

“What are you doing here?” He sounded harsh and accusing. “Damn that man. I told him not to tell anyone... and I meant anyone.”

“But why? Why have you run away from me? Did you think I wouldn’t understand, that I would be... I don’t know? Did you think I would push you away or not care? Why did you run from me Daniel? Why are you shutting me out?” He stared at the floor, his face turned away. “Daniel?”

Still there was no answer and I tried to reach for him, to touch him again but he jerked away from my hand.

“Don’t.”

“Why not? What changed? Where did it all go wrong? How did we get from where we here to this... to you turning away, not wanting to touch me or even be near me?”

“Go away Josh.”

“No. I won’t. You won’t push me away again. I love you Daniel. I want to help you.”

“No one can help me.” He sounded so bleak, so hopeless that it was like a knife slicing into my heart.

“They could if you would let them.”

“No one can help me.” He repeated dully.

“How do you know? If you won’t let anyone close how do you know if they can help you? Look at you, shut away in here. This isn't you Daniel. You are not a quitter, not one to hide from the world, from your problems. Please don’t hide any more.”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Oh no? Then what do you call this... sitting here in the dark in this stinking room? If not hiding then what?”

He looked up at me, a quick, angry look but almost immediately the anger died and the dull hopelessness fell again.

“Whatever.”

“Daniel. Stop. You have to face up to it. You have to get it sorted.”

“No I don’t.”

“So what; are you going to sit in here like this for the rest of your life, slowly rotting, dying from the inside out? This isn’t you Daniel. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but you are not a coward. You can fight this, whatever it is you can fight it. I’ll help you. I’ll be here for you I swear it.”

“I don’t want you to.” Reaching up to a cluttered bedside table he dragged down a packet of cigarettes, took out a cigarette and a lighter and lit up.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I used to... then I stopped. Now I’ve given up giving up.”

“Why?”

“It’s something to do.”

I stared at him and he ignored me, staring into the distance, blowing out clouds of smoke that had a distinctive smell.

“Is that a joint?” I tried to be cool but couldn’t quite manage to keep the censure out of my voice.

“So what if it is?”

“Since when do you smoke dope?” This time I didn’t even try.

“Since whenever.” He dragged his eyes down to mine and gave me a slightly unfocussed stare. “When did you take over being my mother?”

“Since you started behaving like a child. For God’s sake Daniel, what do you think you’re doing? You freak out and run away, don’t tell anyone where you are. You have everyone in a right state. Your parents, your friends.... me. We’ve all been frantic.”

“Yeah well...”

“But why? Why are you shutting us all out? Why are you doing this to yourself?” He shrugged and drew deeply on the cigarette. Clouds of sweet smelling smoke engulfed me making my head swim.

“Do you have to? Can’t you put that thing out, it's making me dizzy?”

“If you don’t like it in here you can always leave.”

“Daniel, stop it. Stop pushing me away. What have I done to you to make you treat me like this? I thought... I thought we had something. I thought you... I thought you loved me.”

“Yeah well.” He said dismissively and shrugged, exhaling more of the sickly sweet smoke.

“No. Not...’yeah well’. I am not accepting ‘yeah well’. Talk to me Daniel. Tell me what’s going on inside your head.”

“Inside my head? Inside my head there is nothing but darkness. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think. Leave me alone Josh. Just leave me alone.”

“I will not leave you alone. I love you.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“What? How could you say that? We have something special Daniel, something rare and precious and I am prepared to fight for that, to fight for you. I can’t believe that you have got yourself into this state over nothing.”

“Nothing? You call it nothing? What the fuck do you know?”

“Nothing! Because you won’t tell me. All I know is that you have a problem and you are running away from it instead of facing it and fixing it.”

“Oh as simple as that,” he scoffed angrily stubbing out the joint. “Just fix it. Just... fix it.”

“Yes. Oh, I know it will be hard. I’m not a fool, but running away from it is not going to make it go away, driving away everyone who loves you is not going to help. The only way you are going to fix this is by facing up to it.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who has to face it. You’re not the one who’s... who’s... broken.”

“And neither are you. You’re not broken; you’re just... damaged a little. We can fix it Daniel. If you just talk about it, face it, deal with it... we can fix it.”

“What makes you so sure?” He turned to me and the look in his eyes chilled me. They were bleak.

“I AM sure, because I have faith in you, faith in us. You’re strong, and thanks to you so am I. There is nothing... nothing we can face, nothing we can’t fix. I will make you strong Daniel. Please... please trust me, please let me help you. Just talk to me.”

“Talk to you? Alright... I’ll talk to you. What shall I tell you? That when I was in that place they pumped me full of so many drugs I didn’t know which way was up and made me believe that I had a demon inside me, made me watch it claw its way out through my stomach and feel it’s claws rip me to shreds and it’s bile turn my guts to acid? That when I went to the shrink he made me ‘face up to’ the memory and I felt the claws and saw the blood and the pain was so bad all I could think of was running and never stopping until either it stopped or killed me? That every time anyone... and I mean anyone... touches my belly I see it and feel it all over again and no matter what I do I can’t stop it, I can’t control it, I can’t ... I can’t...”

He got to his feet and started stalking around the room like a caged lion. I was too stunned, too shocked to do anything but stare up at him. “In the beginning I thought like you do, that I could fix it, that I could work on it and sort it out but it won’t go away. It won’t stop and now, just thinking about it makes the pain start. I have spent so long fighting with that demon that it is more a part of me than ever.”

His voice rose until he was ranting and it scared me. “I have a fucking demon in me Josh. I didn’t before. It wasn’t something that I carried into that place but I sure as hell carried it out. It was Him... he put it in there with his drugs and his chanting and his fucking hands all over me. He put a demon in me and it’s ripping me apart. Bit by bit it’s devouring me and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do about it.

“I ran away because I was ashamed. I am ashamed. I am ashamed of my weakness in that I can’t fight this fucking thing. I am ashamed of my body, ashamed of my mind. I feel weak and helpless and sick and I am ashamed of that too. I am strong Josh, strong and I can deal with anything... but I can’t deal with this... I can't.”

I got to my feel and placed myself solidly in front of him, stopping his pacing. I had my back to the door and the light from the landing fell full on his face, making him squint. He looked even worse in the light. His eyes were sunken surrounded by dark shadows, and his skin was sallow and sickly looking.

“Daniel, stop. You can deal with this. We can do it together. We can do it Daniel, you can do it, I know you can.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know, you can’t know. You don’t know what it feels like. It’s... it’s... I can’t stand it Josh. It’s pain like nothing I have ever felt before and I can’t stand it. I can’t fight because I... I...” For a moment his eyes flicked up to mine then they fell again. “I’m too afraid. I’m too afraid of the pain to be able to face it any more. I’m a coward Josh. I am the very thing I have always despised. Go home. Leave me be. Forget me.”

“I can't do that. You can’t ask me to forget you, because I will never forget you no matter what. I love you. It’s as simple as that and I am not going anywhere until you come with me.”

“Then dig in. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You can’t stay here forever. It’s not fair. For one thing it’s not fair on Charlie. He’s just about at the end of his tether.”

“I didn’t realise I was such a burden.” Suddenly his voice sounds dangerous, cold, and I wish I had never opened my mouth.

“It’s not that and you know it. He’s worried about you, we all are. Look at you. Look at yourself. Look at this place. You are living in squalor... the room stinks... and so do you. When was the last time you had a shower, or cleaned your teeth? And Charlie says you have been smoking too much and ...”

“Thank you Josh. A lecture on my personal hygiene is precisely what I needed right now. I am so grateful. And Charlie thinks I smoke too much... and I suppose he has been complaining to you about me smoking weed in my room as well... gods know he has complained to me often enough.” I was sensitive enough to sense the sudden changes in mood. At first he had gone quiet and still, a sure sign with Daniel that he was annoyed, angry even and the anger increased with every word. I watched it grow, feeding on his pain, as a fire grows when fed with dry kindling, catching and flaring into blazing life in moments. “It's good to know that you all care so much about the intimate detail of my life. Why don’t you try living it for a while and then see what you think... no, I have a better idea... fuck you... fuck you all.

“You think you know me? You think you can just walk in here and make everything alright? Fuck you Josh. You have no idea, NO idea. Why did I run away? Because I can’t stand the way you all look at me, as if I am some godsdamned saint who can just shrug it all off and save himself. You’re all so fucking caring, so full of faith and trust and hope. Well fuck that. I have no faith. I have no trust. I have no hope.

“You think you can do a better job of my life than I am doing... then do it. I’ve had enough. I failed. Ok? I... failed. Perfect fucking Daniel fucked up big time and I can’t... I just can't...” He sighed, an angry futile sigh and shook his head. “I can’t do this any more. You’re right. I can't hide in here. It isn’t fair, it never was. You want my life... you have it because I don’t want it any more.”

Before I could say anything he had stalked past me and out of the door. For a moment I stood, stunned trying to make sense of what he had said. I heard him stomp down the stairs and then raised voices from below. That was when I ran. I got halfway down the stairs and froze when I heard Daniel scream at Charlie.

“I thought you were my friend. I thought I was safe here. You promised... you fucking promised. You two faced, lying, traitorous bastard. Why didn’t you just put a knife through my heart while I slept? And I’m sorry I made such a mess of your room, and I’m sorry I am so disgusting you can’t bear to look at me and I’m sorry you disapprove of my smoking and... you know what? No. I’m not sorry. You were supposed to be my friend and you fucking betrayed me so no, I’m not sorry for anything.

“But don’t worry you fucking sorry son of a bitch I won’t be troubling you any more, I won’t be messing up your life and making things untidy. You can have your room, your pity and your friendship and stick it so far up your arse you’ll be spitting it ‘till Christmas. Fuck you, fuck you all.”

And before anyone could say a word or make a move he was gone and all that was left were the echo of the door slamming and the smell of stale tobacco.

I ran to the door and reached it a step before Charlie but, by the time I got into the street it was empty and there was no sign of Daniel anywhere.

“Where do you think he’s gone?”

“I have no idea. Where he usually goes when he goes out I suppose. I have no idea where that is.”

“Will he come back?”

“When he calms down he may. He’s done it before.”

“What the hell’s the matter with him? I had no idea...”

“I don’t know. He wasn’t like that when he first came, not as bad as that but he’s got worse and worse. More unpredictable, more angry, more...” Charlie sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Mostly now he just stays in his room and every time I go in he is lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. When he does come downstairs he never looks me in the eye, never speaks unless he has to and if I try to talk to him about anything he gets angry and runs away. I hear him crying in the night and when he does sleep he wakes screaming. I’m scared for him Josh.”

“Charlie... he said... he said that...that I could have his life because he doesn’t want it any more. You don’t think... he wouldn’t...?”

“The mood he’s in at the moment I can’t say that he won’t. He’s in pain Josh, inside and outside and he’s not coping with it. To be honest I don’t know what he’ll do and I am afraid he is going to get hurt.”

“Then we have to find him. I have to look. I can’t just sit here.”

And so we looked. We both went out and we looked... everywhere... everywhere except where he was. And then we went home and waited.