Dangerous Liaisons - 15. Chapter 15

When I awoke it was dark outside. No light was filtering through the curtains. The light came from the door, which was open. Kate was standing at the side of the bed. She had woken me.

Daniel stirred in my arms and his sigh washed over my throat and made me shiver. “Josh?” He still sounded sleepy but more aware than before.

“I’m here.”

For a moment Daniel held me close, his arms tight about me and then he pulled me hard to him and let me go, rolling onto his back to peer up at Kate.

“Hey Kate. What’s going on?”

“Sue is here. She’d like to have a word if that’s okay?”

“Sue?”

“The friend I was telling you about. The one who is going to help you.”

“Is it tomorrow already?”

I could feel his body stiffen, the tension creeping in to every part of it. As much as he tried to hide it, it was there in his voice too.

“No. She came early. We thought maybe you could get started tonight. I’m sure you want this sorted as soon as you can.”

“I... yes. I...” Daniel was rigid and I wanted so much to hug him, to hold him but I knew that at this particular point it would only make things worse.

“Do you want me to go?”

Daniel turned his head to look at me and, at first his face was completely blank, almost as though he had forgotten I was there and was surprised to hear my voice. Then he shook his head.

“No, I... I... please don’t go Josh. I need you.”

His hand reached for mine and squeezed it so hard I actually felt the bones grind together. I squeezed back as well as I could with a rapidly numbing hand.

“I’m right here for you. Whatever you want.”

“Do you want to come down to talk to Sue? Or would you prefer her to come up here?”

“I... don’t know.”

“I brought clothes for you if you want to get dressed. Maybe you would feel better...”

Daniel seized on my words almost before they were out of my mouth. “Yes, yes please. I want to get dressed and then... then I’ll come down.”

“Sure. Josh can you come down and get the bag. If you want to take a shower that’s fine. Sue is staying for dinner anyway. We can just chat tonight if you would prefer.”

Daniel relaxed a little but he did not let go of my hand.

“Babe, you need to let go of me before I can go get your stuff.”

He looked at me blankly, then blinked and shook his head, letting go of my hand. “Sorry. Don’t be long.”

“Why don’t you go and have a shower? I’ll be back by the time you finish.”

“Are you trying to tell me something?” Daniel smiled, a hint of his old playfulness in his eyes.

“You stink. Go shower.”

Daniel grinned. “Liar. But I’ll shower anyway. Don’t be long.”

“No, I won’t be.”

Daniel was still in the shower when I got back. I almost went in there with him, like we used to, but I thought better of it. I didn’t want to make things worse by trying to make them better.

I opened the curtains and stood staring out over the rooftops. It was dusk and the light had that peculiar quality that made everything seem slightly unreal. I was lost in it, wondering as I always did whether, if I really squinted I would be able to see a star.

I must have been more intent that I thought because I didn’t hear a thing and just about jumped out of my skin when a hand touched my shoulder and a cheek rested on the top of my head.

“Thinking of stars again Josh?”

“You know me so well.”

“I do. As well as I used to know myself.”

“Is it really so bad Daniel? I mean even if... even if you can’t... It’s not the end of the world is it?” He was silent although I could feel the tension; it hummed through his body and his hand. “I love you and I want to be with you. I will be with you even if you can’t figure this out. I don’t want anything from you but your companionship, your love. I don’t care what happens. I want you.”

For a moment Daniel was completely immobile and then he let his hand slide off my shoulder down my arm and around my body to be joined by his other hand as he buried his face in my hair and kissed my neck.

I was completely taken by surprise. It was the last thing I had expected, so much what the old Daniel would have done. After a moment of shocked tension I melted against him and moaned softly, I couldn’t help myself.

Daniel nuzzled deeper into my hair, against my neck and I let my head fall back exposing my throat. Bending his head Daniel kissed along my collar bone then turned his head to nip my chin and jaw before whispering into the corner of my mouth.

“You’ve got me.”

I turned my head and he covered my lips with his, loosening his hold so I could turn to face him. Being in his arms, feeling them so strong around me was incredible. He didn’t feel frail and vulnerable any more, he felt strong and safe... my Daniel.

But the feeling was brief. Deepening the kiss Daniel’s hands roved down over my back to my buttocks which he gripped firmly, pulling me into him. He was naked and I felt his body twitch and a shudder pass through him. He ground his hips hard against mine and then jerked his head back, grinding his teeth.

“Fuck! I want you Josh. I want you so badly. But I can’t. I know I can’t. I feel it. Already it’s there and I... I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of the pain, afraid it is never going to go away. How can I live with you and know that I can never, that we can never...?”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know that it is always going to be like this. And even if it is... we can do this. We can find ways around it. There must be ways around it.”

“Like what?”

“We’ll find them. I mean you can kiss me right? Who knows what else you can do, even now.”

“I... er... I don’t...”

“Have you masturbated?”

“What... I... I...” He was blushing, looking confused and uncomfortable.

“Oh come on... Daniel Owen embarrassed by the mere mention of masturbation...? Never! So have you?”

“Yes.”

“So you can.”

“Ye...es.”

“So maybe we can. And if so that’s something. Maybe it’s enough.”

“Maybe.” He sounded... contemplative.

“You see? It’s not all black and white... pleasure or pain... win or lose. We can work with this. All you have to do is relax and stop closing down every time you get a twinge. We can do this.”

And suddenly Daniel smiled. It was an amazing, bright, beautiful smile and it made me feel warm inside.

“Come on. Let me get dressed. I am suddenly starving.”

“’Let you get dressed?’ You are the one who is holding me.”

He laughed and let me go. For a while, as he got dressed and we chatted about stupid little things, it was almost like old times, almost as though he was back to normal and everything was alright.

“Hey...”

“Huh?”

“You were miles away.”

“Were you talking to me?”

“Yeah. I asked you if you were ready to go down and you just stared at me with a stupid look on your face. Not that I can tell one stupid look from your usual ones but still...”

“Hey. Watch it. I’m not stupid.”

“Did I say you were? Come on. I’m not kidding; I’m starving. My stomach is doing back flips.”

“Oh well... I wouldn’t want you to starve to death.”

Surprisingly Daniel took my hand and held it tightly as we walked down the stairs. He was back to his utterly awesome self... at least on the outside and I harboured a small smile at the stunned looks on the faces that met us when we walked into the kitchen.

“Wow. You look great.”

As usual Daniel shrugged off the compliment focussing on what was important to him at the time. “Thanks. I’m hungry.”

“Dinner’s almost ready; take a seat at the table. This is Sue.” She nodded towards a woman who was already sitting at the table nursing a cup of coffee. She was on the young side of middle aged with dark red hair tied back with a ribbon at the nape of her neck, loose strands escaping to frame a heart shaped face, liberally speckled with the dark spattering of freckles. Deep green eyes smiled up at us warmly, along with the quirky lips that looked as though a smile was always playing about them, which I came to learn in time, it was.

“Hello there, nice to meet you. Kate’s been telling me all about you Daniel.” Whereas Daniel would usually have blessed her with the best of his charming smiles at this point and leaped in with a flirtatious comment, this time he frowned and sat down heavily, letting go of my arm.

“Has she now?”

“It seems like you’re a hero, at least in Kate’s world.”

Daniel hung his head clasping his hands together on the table in front of him. “Yeah well... I don’t feel much like a hero.”

“True heroes rarely do.”

He glanced up and his frown deepened. It looked for a moment as if he were about to say something but then just shook his head and let it fall again. I sat down in the chair next to Daniel and reached for his hand. He didn’t pull away but neither did he respond. Kate put two full cups of coffee on the table in front of us. Daniel took one and wrapped his hands around it, staring into its inky depths, a blank look on his face.

“I thought about having a look at that hand of yours but, after last night figured it would be better if you ate first. I don’t want to put you off again. How is it feeling?”

“Sore.”

“I’m not surprised. Does it feel hot, tight? Does it tingle or burn?”

“I don’t know.” Daniel raised his hand and stared at it, as though he had only just learned of its existence. The bandage was pretty much soaked with blood but it was not fresh. The recent shower had also soaked it and caused it to slip, making it look as thought the blood was wet and fresh although its colour betrayed it as being old.

“It’s a bit of a mess isn’t it? Would you like me to take a look while Kate is finishing dinner? I won’t do anything to hurt you, to put you off your food.”

For a moment Daniel just stared at her and then, unexpectedly he grinned. “I don’t think there is anything that can put me off my food tonight. I am starving.”

Gently Sue took Daniel’s hand and begun to unwrap the bandage. It was stuck together and impossible to unravel. In the end she got a pair of scissors and cut it free. I was horrified at the wounds. The zig zag cut on his wrist and the deep hole in the palm of his hand. However, Kate looking over Sue’s shoulder nodded her head...

“Surprisingly that looks a lot better than it did yesterday. Maybe you can get away without stitches after all. The first aid box is under the sink Sue. Could you just clean it up a bit and get a fresh bandage on while I dish up. If you’re sure you’ll be okay with it Daniel.” She looked at him expectantly and he eventually drew his eyes away from his hand to look up with a dazed expression in his eyes.

“Huh?”

“Are you okay with Sue bandaging you up again before dinner? It won’t be long and if you want to wait that’s fine. It’s important you have something to eat. I don’t want you spoiling your appetite again.”

Daniel grinned. “I’m fine. I don’t want to put you off your meals by looking at this mess.” He nodded to Sue. “Go ahead, I’ll be fine.”

I held Daniel’s hand as he stared unblinking at his arm while Sue swabbed it with antiseptic , covered the wounds with gauze and bandaged the whole thing with a lot more expertise than Kate had. Daniel was entirely still and silent throughout and I wondered what was going on inside his head.

When she was done Sue remained for a moment, holding Daniel’s hand and staring at him with a frown. He was oblivious.

“How does that feel?”

He looked up at her and smiled, a thin smile, shaking himself, coming back to the present.

“It’s fine. Thank you.” He pulled his hand out of her hold and sat back flicking his hair out of his eyes and looking around as if he had just woken up.

“That smells really good. I can’t believe how hungry I am.”

“I can. You haven’t had a proper meal in days. No wonder you are hungry.”

Daniel laughed shortly. “Yeah. I guess so.”

Sue was still staring at him. Either he didn’t notice or wouldn’t admit he did. She looked more thoughtful than anything now though. She noticed me noticing and smiled, nodding her head, although I had no idea what she was trying to convey.

Kate interrupted by laying plates of food in front of us. She and Jake joined us and we all fell silent... well apart from the appreciative sighs and murmurs. It was really good. Daniel ate with relish, despite the fact that everyone was watching him, some openly and some from veiled eyes. He must have noticed but it didn’t put him off in the slightest. Daniel was used to people looking at him.

Conversation was sparse but easy and, to be honest I enjoyed the meal, the companionship and most of all, sitting next to Daniel, just like old times, even though he was far from his normal self...being unusually quiet and introspective.

After dinner we moved into the living room and Jake poured us all glasses of that glorious whisky. Daniel sipped with obvious pleasure and sat back with his eyes closed a smile playing on his lips. I was sitting next to him on the sofa and he stretched his arm across the back, dropping his hand onto my shoulder and then pulling me in to his side. As his arm settled around me I melted, nestling my head into his shoulder. I was aware that everyone was looking at us but I didn’t care.

After a while the flow of conversation became a soothing background rumble and I started to get very sleepy, which is strange because I had slept most of the afternoon. It must have been all the tension which was suddenly leaking out of me, leaving me calm and centred and so, so content... just to sit there, to smell his scent, to feel his warmth.

When Daniel tensed it woke me out of a doze and it took a moment to realise that something had changed. I sat up rubbing my eyes.

“Sorry, I fell asleep. What did I miss?”

Daniel pulled me back in to his side, somewhat roughly and I looked at him in surprise. He seemed tense and pale.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“I was just asking Daniel if he wanted to talk about what has been happening lately.”

“Oh.”

I looked nervously from Daniel to Sue. She looked completely relaxed, as if the question was the most natural one in the world and the response really didn’t bother her one way or the other. Daniel on the other hand was anything but relaxed. He was chewing on his lip and tugging at the sleeves of his sweater with his fingers, both sure signs that he was tense and uncertain.

“I... I don’t know.”

“It’s alright Daniel. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Kate thought that it might help if we just had a chat tonight, casually, so you get to know me a bit. But...” She paused and leaned forwards slightly. Daniel tensed even more and sat up straighter, his grip on my side becoming almost painful. “I think you are in a lot of pain Daniel. You have a lot of fear inside you. The pain and the fear have a very tight grip and it’s getting tighter all the time. I think that the sooner you begin to release it the better.”

Daniel reflexively shook his head and drew back slightly. “I... I’m not... I...”

“Don’t be afraid, Daniel. There’s no need to be afraid of me. I am not going to hurt you. You know that don’t you?”

He voice was low and soothing, strangely hypnotic. I could see why she would make a good counsellor. No one was going to ignore her, even though she was speaking very softly.

“I know that.” Daniel’s voice was equally soft and just as compelling, at least for me.

“Will you let me help you?”

“I...” Daniel took a deep shuddering breath and when he released it he released me too, going limp as though all the fight went out of him. “Yes. Yes, I’ll let you help me... if you can.”

“I believe I can. I have had experiences of situations like yours before. It won’t be easy Daniel, you know that don’t you? You have to face the fear and the pain.”

Daniel hung his head, still picking at his sleeve. “Yes. I know that.”

“Do you think you can?”

“Frankly? No. No I don’t think I can. I am afraid that I can’t. I’ve tried so many times... to face it, to break through it... but I can’t and now just the thought of it...”

“Ah but that’s the very thing... don’t you see? You’ve prodded it so many times you’ve just driven it in deeper and deeper. It’s like a thorn that has embedded itself in your flesh and it’s poisoning you from the inside. I can reach in there and pull out the thorn. I know I can, if you’ll let me. It will hurt... I’m not going to deny that. Of course it will hurt. Drawing thorns always hurts. But once it is gone then you can heal... and you will heal. I promise you.”

“How can you do that? How can you make a promise like that?”

“Let me let you in on a secret Daniel. I have a secret weapon. I’m not just a counsellor... I can do magic.”

Daniel laughed nervously. “Yeah right.”

“Seriously. At least a kind of magic. I can reach into people’s minds and pull bad things right out of there. And that is what this is all about. It isn’t about a weakness in you, it’s about a bad thing that was done to you. A thoughform was implanted in you resulting in conditioning and that conditioning is being embedded deeper and deeper every time you touch it, run from it, fear it. I can take that thoughtform away, undo the conditioning. Don’t ask me how I do it because I don’t really know... but I do it and it works, it ALWAYS works.”

“I don’t know if I like the sound of that. Someone rumaging around in my mind and pulling chunks out.”

“That was a very clumsy way to describe what I do. It’s all purely psychological... kind of. And I don’t touch anything but the bad bits. Think of me like a brain surgeon, who uses her mind as the scalpel. I’m very precise and very good.”

Daniel swallowed, his eyes fixed on her. “I’m not sure whether that is reassuring or terrifying.”

“Probably both. The question is... are you up for it?”

“What? Now?”

“Now is as good a time as any. You are relaxed, surrounded by friends, what could be better?”

“I... don’t know.” Daniel looked at me and I shrugged. My heart was pounding and I could only begin to imagine what he must have been feeling. He looked up at Kate and Jake who both smiled encouragingly but made it clear that the decision was his... no pressure... only there was. Everyone was looking at him and if I could feel the pressure then of course he could.

At last he sagged, nodding his head. “Alright. Whatever you want.”

“It’s what you want Daniel. I am not going to do anything without your express permission. This isn’t about what anyone else wants but you.”

“I want to feel normal again. I want to stop being afraid. I’m scared of facing the pain, scared of feeling it... it’s like a demon... just like he said it would be. It’s a demon that lives inside me and the very thought of touching it again makes me terrified. But... I can't live like this. I can’t be... I can’t be what he wanted me to be, what he tried to make me. I can’t be anything but myself... and this... this thing inside me makes that impossible. If I can’t beat it there’s no point in being alive.”

“Daniel... don’t...!”

“Josh... I’m sorry. I know... I know what you said is right... in so many ways but... being doomed to living only half a life isn’t me. You know that. It you are honest you know that... and I know that. I can’t have a relationship, a life where I am just...” he paused and shook his head. “It has to be all or nothing. If I can be fully alive I don’t to be alive at all.”

He said it as if the saying of it was a huge relief to him but to me it was as though the words were daggers and every one of them went straight through my heart. I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. So much for being strong for him. Daniel pulled me to him and I buried my face in his chest.

“I’m sorry Daniel, I’m sorry. I tried to be strong for you. I tried so hard but I... I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to save you.”

“Oh Josh, Josh... I didn’t mean... I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I would never... Ah Gods this is all so FUCKED UP!”

I felt him shudder, felt the pain and the anger welling up inside again and I wanted to reach into him and drag it right out. If only I could have I would have taken it all onto myself, in a moment, an eyeblink. But I couldn’t.

“It’s alright Daniel. Josh understands that you are in pain. He knows that nothing you say is meant to hurt him. You are hurt. You are hurt so badly. I can feel it in you. It is like a demon, almost a physical entity, squirming inside you, and your fear is feeding it. Over and over, you feed it and it grows stronger. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can gain control again. You can drive out the fear, drive out the pain, drive out the demon.

“Do you want to do that Daniel? Do you want to be free? Are you prepared to face the demon and drive it from your body? Are you strong enough? Brave enough?”

The touch on my shoulder startled me. I had not been aware of Sue moving. Her words were peripheral to me, submerged in the maelstrom of my emotions. However, as I sat up I could see that they had had a far more profound effect on Daniel. He was staring at her, his eyes wide and didn’t seem to be aware of anything else, me included.

Sue directed me to get up and Daniel didn’t even glance at me. The arm that had been cradling me fell into his lap and he wasn’t aware of that either. What was going on?

Arms encircled my shoulders and drew me away from the sofa. I looked up into Kate’s face which was smiling encouragingly.

“It’s alright.” She spoke softly. “Sue’s amazing. She’ll get through to him. No one can resist her.”

“Resist? What is she doing to him?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t... but whatever it is it works.”

“Is she hypnotising him?”

“In a way, although it’s... different... deeper than that. She wasn’t joking when she said she can reach into people’s minds and rip out the darkness... was she?”

She looked up at Jake who shook his head and smiled. “No.”

“Did she do this to you?”

“After the second time I almost killed myself with drugs. When Kate first found me I was as low as I could go. I was still blaming myself for Alex, still hating my father... I had become involved with some deeply dodgy people and I wanted out... of the situation, of the pain... of life. I took an overdose and Kate found me and forced me go to the hospital.

“She tried to help me and she did... in the beginning, but at that time I just wasn’t able to talk about Alex and... it was his birthday... three days before Christmas. We were Christmas shopping, Kate and I and I found myself looking at something in a shop window... I don’t even remember what it was. I... I looked at it and thought... God Alex would have loved this. And suddenly... the pain , the guilt, the fear... it all came crashing back and I just walked away.

“By the time Kate found me I was almost dead. I wanted to be dead. She called an ambulance and they got me to the hospital, pumped me out and then put me on suicide watch in a psych ward. At first they wouldn’t let me see anyone. I wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t respond. After a while they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital and I was so full of drugs I didn’t know what day of the week it was.

“But Kate wouldn’t give up.” He smiled down at her with a look of such love on his face I felt strangely embarrassed, as though I was eavesdropping on an intensely personal private conversation. “She fought to get in to see me and she brought Sue with her. After an hour with Sue I started to come back to life. It took some time to convince the doctors but within a week I was home and I haven’t looked back since. I don’t know what she did but somehow she took my memories of Alex and made them clean again, took away the guilt that polluted them.”

I stared at Jake. He looked so... solid, so... clean. The thought that he had ever abused drugs let alone overdosed twice on them was incredible to me. “How? How did she...?”

“I don’t know. I was so doped up at the time I can’t remember a thing. All I know is that after that visit the pain started to lessen and then it went away and has never come back. Now I can look at that picture and remember the good times, remember the wonderful person that Alex was without it being spoiled by anger and pain.”

“I... do you think she can do that for Daniel?”

“I’m sure of it.”

I wasn’t so sure, but prepared to give them the benefit of the doubt ... for now.